AGoT 69: Tyrion IX

Tyrion is at the Inn at the Crossroads, giggling a whole bunch about the fact that his chapter is "69." 

Tyrion: Hahaha, YESSSS!!!! This is so perfect! I mean what better character to have a 69 than me?

Shae: You called, my Giant?

Lord Tywin: GET THAT WHORE OUT OF HERE, TYRION!

Shae leaves. A messenger arrives. 

Messenger: Oh hey everyone. Uhhhhh... quick update. Jaime has been captured and taken prisoner by Robb Stark's forces. Oh, also your army at Riverrun got totally crushed. I'll be leaving now before anyone throws something at me.

The messenger runs away.

Tywin: DAMNIT! THIS SUCKS! That was my favorite son!

Tyrion: Dude. I'm. Right. Here.

Tywin: Yes, I know. I'm saying it on purpose in front of your face because I hate you.

Tyrion: Oh yeah? Well you know how I will get my revenge on you? MY SUBJECTING YOU TO A PLOT EXPOSITION DROP CHAPTER!

Addam Marbrand: Oh GOD! Not one of those!

Kevan Lannister: I can't stand exposition chapters! We're going to have paragraph after paragraph of narrative italics!

And so we do!

Tyrion thinks back to "how we got here" to this situation.  When Tywin got word that Rob Stark had divided his army (at the end of Tyrion VIII), Tywin ordered his forces to go on a grueling counter-march up to the Trident to catch up to the Stark forces. In the end, the death march was worthless because they got their too late. Robb Stark was already gone.

Harys Swyft and Kevan Lannister then argue about Jamie's battle strategy. They explain about how Jaime broke his forces up into three different camps. Harys says it was stupid, but Kevan counters that it strategically made sense to do. Of course, in the end that tactic allowed Jamie's army to be attacked without warning. 

There is continued call-back to how exactly the various battles on the three different camps occurred. About how outriders never returned. About how Jaime rode out to the Whispering Wood and vanished. About how Blackfish led an attack during night. About how forces were pushed towards the catapults of Riverrun and routed. About how the other camps were attacked and defeated as well. About the forces of Greatjon Umber leading a charge and liberated a number of Lannister-held prisoners, including Edmure Tully. About how a part of the Lannister army was made up of sellswords that changed sides and joined the Stark forces when they saw how the battle was going. About how now the Stark forces have the ability to raid the Lannister supply lines. 

So on and so on. 

Tywin: Okay Tyrion, you've made your point. That exposition is very long. Please stop it now.

Harys: All hope is lost! I bet those Starks could even attack Casterly Rock now. We must sue for peace!!!

Tyrion: A fat lot of good that is going to do. Do you think Robb will have peace now that he is winning and he's gotten word that dipshit Joffrey just beheaded his father?

Leo Lefford: A few battle victories doesn't mean they'll continue to win. Plus the Starks still have more to lose. We have their girls. We should do an exchange of prisoners!

Addam Marbrand: You think the Starks would be willing to trade Jaime for those two girls? That's crazy talk. We all know women's lives aren't worth as much as men's.

Tywin: Okay, everybody shut the hell up and get out of here. Except you, Kevan and Tyrion.

And so everybody whose name isn't named "Lannister" leaves. 

Tywin: You were right about Eddard Stark, Tyrion. Alive he was worth something. We could have used him as a bargaining chip to buy time to deal with team double trouble, Stannis and Renly. Joffrey is a fool.

Tyrion: Well, he's also a little child. So I guess that's a valid excuse for why he's a shitty king.

Tywin: Oh... and get this... I've also heard reports from Varys that Renly has wed some girl named "Margaery Tyrell" and declared himself king. This means he has all the might of Highgarden and Storm's End behind him. And to add to that, I just got this raven from Cersei, ordering me to march back to Kings Landing to help defend that little dipshit grandson king of mine. Defend him from what? Stannis? Stannis isn't even attacking yet. What the hell is he doing? Varys says he's building some fleet and seeking the council of some crazy Red Witch woman from Asshai or something.

Tywin then whips out a map and studies it. 

Tywin: And look at us here. We're in a super shitty position. Roose Bolton to the north. Enemies at  the Twins and Moat Cailin. Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr attacking all of our foraging parties. Whatever direction we go... we're fucked. And if we stay here... we're fucked. And the longer we wait, the more time  that Dragonstone, Storm’s End, and Highgarden have to call together their bannermen so that EVEN MORE forces are mounted against us.

Tyrion: Uh... sounds crappy, dad. So what are we going to do?

Tywin: We? We? Well, I am going to lead my forces to Harrenhal to take on Robb Stark's army directly.  Ser Addam will help direct the Mountain and a bunch of other worthless characters it's not important to remember to lead raids on the Riverlands and burn everything down. And your short ass is going back to King's Landing.

Tyrion: What? King's Landing? Why?

Tywin: Why? Isn't that obvious? Joffrey is an incompetent, moody, sadistic little shit. Who is going to control him? Not his bitch as mom who lets him do whatever he wants. What's happened so far in Kings Landing? Eddard executed? FAIL. That dipshit Janos Slynt elevated to a noble? FAIL. Barristan Selmy kicked out of the Kingsguard and dishonored? FAIL. The fucking Hound added to the Kingsguard? FAIL. It's like a giant shit show down there. It's worse than the final couple of seasons of LOST.

Tyrion: And how exactly am I supposed to change any of that?

Tywin: Uhh... because I'm making you Hand of the King.

Tyrion: OH SHIT. REALLY?! That's AWESOME! I thought you hated me.

Tywin: I do. But better a Lannister in control than anyone else. Cersei is obviously not up to that task. You need to get get Joffrey to get his shit together and make sure to start executing people who don't get in line.

Tyrion: This is the best Christmas present ever, thanks dad.

Tywin: And don't take that whore with you to court!

Tyrion: I promise not to!

Tywin: HEY WAIT! Were your fingers crossed behind your back?

Tyrion: Uhhh... no?

They were. 

AGoT 68: Daenerys IX

Dany is dreaming. She remembers her annoying brother. 

Viserys: DON'T WAKE THE DRAGON!

She walks down a hall in her dream. She leaves bloody footprints. Then she is suddenly out in the open, with her beloved Drogo. 

Drogo: Yo. I'm Drogo. Have you seen the latest numbers from the S&P 500? Crazy, huh? Now let's have sex.

This is a dream, so Drogo is allowed to talk like that. They start to have sex. The stars vanish from the sky and the world sets itself on fire.  This is a pretty metal dream. 

Jorah: I'm sorry, Khalessi. The last dragon was Rhaegar. You can not microwave these eggs and make dragons come out.

Dany: Eww. Why does Jorah have to show up in my sexy world on fire dream? Nasty. Even in dreamworld he won't even accept the "friend zone" limitations I put on him.

Viserys: THE DRAGON WILL BE CROWNED! CROWNED! AHAHAHEEHEHEHE!

Viserys then pinches her nipples. 

Dany: Wow. That is even worse than Jorah.

Dany runs to a red door. 

Dany: And I want it painted black. No colors anymore, I want them to turn black.

Indeed everything is black now. Total darkness. But then her son, Rhaego, emerges. Only Rhaego is not a child in her womb... but a man fully grown. He is a warrior, proud and tall. 

Rhaego: Hey mom! I wanted to know if I could--- OH GOD! OH GOD! THE BURNING! THE BURNING! AGHHHH!!!!

Flames consume him. He is dead. Ghosts of dead kings fly around and haunt her. She continues running to the red door.  She opens the door and sees her cool brother, Rhaegar, in his suit of armor.

She lifts up the visor on his helmet. But it's not Rhaegar. It's her own face. 

Dany: Oh shit. Super weird. My own face under that mask? It's just like the last episode of The Prisoner. Is someone going to start singing "Dem Bones" for no reason at all?

Dany wakes up and tastes ashes. Which is super odd. 

Jhiqui: Yay! You finally woke up from your nightmare. I knew my secret recipe of "ash soup" would wake you up at last!

Dany: Oh, Jhiqui! It's you, thank goodness. I was having the weirdest dream. Hey! Why is my body so sore?

Jhiqui: Uhh...

Jhiqui then leaves, because she doesn't want to tell Dany the bad news. Dany then crawls over towards her eggs when Jorah and Mirri Maz Duur show up.

Mirri Maz Duur: Here, take this.

She hands Dany something in a cup. Dany drinks it. She falls right back asleep again. This time with no dreams. 

This happens several more times. Dany wakes up. They give Dany something that makes her fall asleep again.

Dany: Will you a-holes stop giving me roofies and just let me stay awake?

Jhiqui: You need your rest, Khaleesi. You are very weak.

Dany: NO! What I need is a bath, a pack of M&Ms, some light reading, Jorah, Mirri Maz Duur, my husband, and my child.

Jhiqui: Okay then, I will go fetch you some water for a bath, a pack of M&Ms, some light reading, Jorah, and Mirri Maz Duur.

Dany: And those other things I asked for!

Jhiqui: Uhhhh... well this is awkward. You see--

Jorah and Mirri Maz Duur then walk into the scene.

Mirri Maz Duur: --Your son is dead. Oh, did you think you were trading the life of a horse for Drogo? Nope. You traded a horse, your son, Quaro, Qotho, Haggo, and Cohollo.  That was probably the most lopsided trade in history. Maybe with the exception of the 1983 NFL Draft when the Colts traded No. 1 pick John Elway to the Broncos in exchange for quarterback Mark Hermann, the rights to offensive tackle Chris Hinton, and a first-round pick in the 1984 draft.

Jorah: Which ended up being guard Ron Solt.

Mirri Maz Duur: Yes, Ron Solt. I believe that is correct.

Jorah: Although you can't COMPLETELY blame the Colts. It's not like they didn't see the value of Elway. Elway had publicly made statements saying that he didn't want the Colts to pick him, and that he would refuse to play for them.

Irri: It is known. What were the Colts supposed to do? Not pick him? No, it was much better to pick him anyway rather than settle for drafting an inferior player.

Doreah: I agree as well. Conceptually, getting Hermann, Hinton and a future first round pick was a great trade.  Hermann was a great college football player whose accolades included being Big Ten Conference's Most Valuable Player, being the MVP in three straight bowl games, and winning the Sammy Baugh Trophy.

Jorah: And Chris Hinton was the overall fourth pick in the draft. So it's not like he was too shabby either.

Irri: It is known. So, as you can see, Mirri Maz Duur, while it seems very lopsided in hindsight --  who could have known at the time that Elway would go on to win two Super Bowls, be selected as a Pro Bowler nine times, and be inducted into Hall of Fame?

Doreah: Another excellent point, Irri. The No. 1 pick the year before, defensive end Kenneth Sims, was a bit of a wash. He never even got to a single Pro Bowl. It just proves that you can never tell how a number one pick will do, or what your trade is worth.

Mirri Maz Duur: Well, fair enough.

Dany: OKAY, EVERYONE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE 1983 NFL DRAFT! Are you all just trying to distract me from the fact that my SON IS DEAD?!

Mirri Maz Duur: Oh, not just DEAD. More like NEVER BORN. That thing popped out as a stillbirth. And it had lizard skin. There were worms crawling in it. It smelled like it had been dead forever. It was SUPER GROSS. Nasty.

Dany: Well, I guess that trade sucked. But I asked to see my husband, Drogo. I traded my son for his life. At least let me see him.

Mirri Maz Duur: Ho ho ho! Oh man, I got another doozy for you coming up with that one!

Dany tries to stand up but gets dizzy. Jorah helps her to her feet. 

Dany: What are you talking about, you crazy witch? Let me see my husband!

Mirri Maz Duur: Well... follow me!

And so she leads Dany to her husband. As Dany limps along - she sees what is left of her camp. Very little. It looks like all of the Dothraki have abandoned the place and Dany has barely anyone left with the exception of her servants and a few loyal members of her Khas, such as Jhogo. 

Dany: Oh, what the hell happened here?

Jhogo: Ah, well first Ko Pono declared himself as the new khal. But then after that Jhaqo said HE was the new Khal. The two of them took most of the riders, the herds, and the slaves. After that, pretty much everyone who was left snuck out at night. Oh... and remember that girl Eroeh that Mago was trying to rape? Then you stopped Mago. Well, Mago declared himself a bloodrider to Khal Jhaqo, took Eroeh, and raped and murdered her. So a fat lot of good you "saving" her did.  Jhaqo probably has like 20,000 riders.

Dany: Awesome. And I'm saying that sarcastically. Now where is my husband?

Mirri Maz Duur: Here you go!

Drogo is laying on the ground with flies all over him. His eyes are open and he is breathing. But that's pretty much it. He can't talk or stand or make any facial expressions. If you try to feed him he'll eat. His eyes follow the sun as it moves through the sky. But other than that... nothing. 

Dany: WHAT THE HELL?! This isn't alive!

Mirri Maz Duur: Technically it's alive. You said that you were willing to trade for him to be alive. Well here he is. Breathing. Eating. Heart beating. That counts.

Dany: YOU TRICKY BITCH! He's, like, brain dead!

Mirri Maz Duur: Sort of, sure. But you should have read the fine print on the whole "life" deal.

Dany: When will he be back to the way he was?

Mirri Maz Duur: When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When Microsoft Bing becomes the most popular internet browser and when "fetch" finally happens. When your womb quickens again, and you bear a living child. Then he will return, and not before.

Dany: So... what... is that like next Thursday or something? I mean the Cubs finally won a freaking World Series, so I wouldn't count out the possibility of the sun turning around either.

Jorah: Khalessi, she's being metaphorical. I believe she's naming things that will never occur in a way so as to indicate that Drogo will never get better.

Dany: What do you mean things that will never occur? It's not like my womb will never quicken aga--oh... oh... I see what she did there. I see. So I'm barren now too?  My son is dead. My husband is brain dead. And I can never have another child?

Mirri Maz Duur: YEP! Hahaha... guess that whole "Stallion that Mounts the World" thing is never going to happen now, eh? Your son will burn no temples and conquer no nations.

Dany: BITCH! I SAVED YOUR LIFE!

Mirri Maz Duur: Yes... you saved my life after my home and entire village was burned down. After I had been raped several times and after every single person I know was murdered before my eyes. After everything was taken away from me.  You now see what life if worth when all except life itself is taken away?

Dany: What?

Jorah: Khaleesi, she's being metaphorical again. You see, this time it's a metaphor about Drogo. Everything was taken away from her... and yet she still lives.  Now, everything that was meaningful about Drogo is taken away from him... and yet he still lives. He is but a shell now, and she is trying to say that she is just a shell too.

Dany: Oh, I see. Well, I guess we should ready up a big bonfire to throw this fucking shell on. Oh, and someone also get me a pillow.

Doreah gets her a pillow. Dany goes over to Drogo and props his body up to stare at a beautiful, blossoming grove. 

Dany: Look at the flowers, Drogo. Look at the flowers.

AGoT 67: Sansa VI

So Sansa is back in her room, cradled like a baby under her blankets, crying, and shaking back and forth with a serious case of PTSD.   After all, she just saw her daddy get beheaded in front of her.

But does Sansa use this time to be reflective about how her own actions caused this? About how she was the one that ratted on her dad to Cersei and essentially got him killed? No. Of course not. She's thinking about herself. She's thinking about what will happen if SHE gets beheaded next. About how they'll write songs about her and how she'll be a tragic heroin sung about by musicians hundreds of years from now.  Yes. That's right. All Sansa can think about after her father dying is how LEGENDARY SHE IS GOING TO BE. 

The door to her room opens and her "beloved" Joffrey comes in with the Hound, Meryn Trant, and Arys Oakheart.

Joffrey: Bitch, get out of bed. You need to attend to me at court this evening!

Sansa: LEAVE ME BE!

Joffrey: Get out of bed or I'll have my Hound take you out of bed.

Hound: I suggest you listen to him.

And so Sansa slowly gets out of bed, struggling with the blankets. I'll also note that for some reason here, GRRM also wants to point out just how little clothes Sansa is wearing and how they are see-through. And remember Sansa's age here, people. Gross. 

Sansa: Okay. I'm out of bed. I did what you asked. Now leave me alone! I just want to go home!

Joffrey: Oh no. You're not going home. You're staying here with me. We're still getting married.

Sansa: WHAT?! You just killed my father and you still want to marry me? That is super messed up.

Joffrey: I was merciful to your father! I could have  given him a slow, painful death. Instead it was one quick sling of the blade.

Sansa: I hate you!

Joffrey: I would not say such things if I were you! Still, my mother told me that it's not right to beat my wife. Although I guess she never said that I couldn't order other people to beat you for me. So I guess I found a little "loophole."  Meryn!

Meryn steps forward and starts beating the shit out of Sansa. Which leaves me torn because I'm really glad Sansa is getting beaten but I also don't want to side with team Joffrey. 

Sansa picks herself off the floor, with blood on her ear. 

Joffrey: So will I see you at court later?

Sansa: Y-y-yes.

Joffrey: Good. Joffrey out!

They leave. Everyone except for the Hound, who just stays there. 

Sansa: Okay you burnt-faced creeper. What do you want?

Hound: You need to do what Joffrey wants. Smile for him. Laugh at his shitty jokes. Tell him that his ant colony is super cool and doesn't at all make him a loser. Don't call him an asshole when he gets pissy and then kills every ant in his ant collection with a magnifying glass. Tell him his acoustic guitar skills don't suck even though everyone knows they do.

The Hound leaves and soon two servant ladies then timidly enter the room. They help to bathe Sansa and put makeup on her wound. Sansa is surprised by how dirty the water gets when they clean her. But then again she shouldn't be because she hasn't bathed since her father was executed several days ago. She stank.

To go to court, she selects the same dress she wore at the Tourney of the Hand in the hopes Joffrey will remember a time when he was sweet to her. Or perhaps since it was the Tourney of the Hand, dedicated to her father, it will only remind Joffrey of her father and that will make Joffrey want to beat her even more. Who knows?

Meryn Trant then comes back to escort her down to court. She realizes that he feels absolutely nothing towards her. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't love her. He's just dead inside and obeys Joffrey's orders to beat her. He treats her like an object. 

Sansa: You are no true knight!

And yet Meryn... poker face. No response. At least the Hound would spar with her and respond back with something pithy. 

Sansa is alone on the balcony of the court watching Joffrey "dispense justice," which is some pretty bullshit stuff. When he bothers to pay attention to what's going on in the court (which is rare, since he's mainly clocked out and letting the small council do all the work) he jumps in to essentially order everybody to be executed or mutilated.

The small council is totally thrown off by this sick shit. Well, everyone on the small council except for Jason Slynt. Whenever Joffrey makes some sick declaration like ordering someone to have thier balls cut off and stuffed down their mother's throat...

Janos Slynt: Hahaha, YESSSSSS! Good stuff, good stuff! I am going to jerk off while thinking about that tonight.

Sansa hate watches everything and grits her teeth. She wishes someone would just come and deliver justice by killing them all. Some some hero from the songs. But she now realizes that isn't how real life works. There are no heroes. Littlefinger had warned her and told her that life is not a song. 

Littlefinger: Okay, the last case of the day... this Singer is accused of writing a song about our dearly departted King Robert.

Singer: Please, m'lords. Have mercy! It was only a joke.

Joffrey: Oh, let's here this song you wrote about my dead father. Go on!

Singer: No! No! Please!

Joffrey: SING IT!

And so the Singer sings his song about Robert dying. There are a couple of versus about Cersei in there too. It's pretty amateurish but not as bad as any Kanye West song.

Joffrey: Oh man, that sucked so hard. I'll give you a choice... your fingers or your tongue.

Singer: W-what?

Joffrey: Which do you want cut off? Make a choice.

Singer: I mean that's not a very difficult choice. Everyone would prefer to lose thier fingers to their tongue, right? I mean who would choose tongue?

And so the Singer is taken away to get his fingers chopped off. 

Joffrey then dismissed the court and goes up to Sansa before she can leave. He's got Meryn and the Hound with him again. 

Joffrey: Hey honey. How you been? Oh, by the way... you know it's my name day coming up soon. What you gonna get me?

Sansa: What the hell is a name day?

Joffrey: It's like a birthday.

Sansa: Then why don't we just say birthday?

Joffrey: *shrugs*

Sansa: I didn't know it was coming up. Besides, why would I get a present for someone who KILLED MY FATHER IN FRONT OF MY EYES.

Joffrey: You're a stupid girl! My mother said so but I didn't listen. She's worried our children will be just as stupid as you.  Still. I suppose I better check and make sure. Which means I'm going to hit that REAL SOON. Yeah gurl. I'm gonna knock you up and put that baby in you.  Then we'll see if the baby comes out stupid.  If it does, then I'll simply kill it and kill you and get a smarter wife.

Sansa wants to slap Joffrey in his stupid face, but remembers what the Hound told her. She needs to pretend to be a pretty little bird that repeats the nice words she was trained by Septa Mordane. She needs to complement Joffrey and agree with him. 

Sansa: Yes, as you wish, my king.

And hey... speaking of Septa Mordane... I wonder what ever happened to her!

Joffrey: Oh that's a good question, narrator. Come on, let's show you and Sansa.

They walk up to the battlements of the Red Keep. 

Sansa: No! No! I don't want to go here!

Joffrey: Too bad, bitch!

Up on the battlements is where they keep the heads on the pikes - a place where everyone can see the heads of the executed traitors as a sign. Her father's head is up there, as is Septa Mordane's and a bunch of other members of the Stark posse that came down with Sansa. Also up there is apparently George W. Bush's head. Which is super weird. And something that I already mentioned and linked to in a previous chapter. Whatever. Get off my case. It's still funny. 

Joffrey: LOOK SANSA! LOOK AT YOUR FATHER!

Sansa wants to shout "No!" but she gets herself together, again remembering the Hound's words, and does look. She looks, but she tells herself she doesn't see. She gives a blank reaction. She shows no shock. No horror. No sadness. 

Joffrey: WHAT? Come on! Scream a little! Whimper! Cry!

Sansa doesn't do any of that. 

Joffrey: Goddamnit! The only thing that even gets me off is watching people suffer and you're not suffering! This sucks! I should beat you for that!

Sansa: As you wish, my king.

Joffrey: DAMNIT, NO! You're not supposed to respond that way!

Sansa: Yes, my king.

Joffrey: STOP THAT! Now... back to the conversation about my birthday gift. I know what would be a great gift! The head of your brother, Robb.  I'll put it up here right next to your daddy's head. What would you think about that?

Sansa: Or, you know, maybe Robb will give me your head instead.

Joffrey: OH SNAP, you did not just say that. TRANT!

And so Trant beats her again. Blood runs down her face. 

Joffrey: Now clean that blood off.

Sansa starts wiping the blood away and notices for a split second that nobody is between her and Joffrey. She could totally push him off the side and nobody could do shit about it. That would be so sweet. But does Sansa have the courage to do that? No. Of course not. A moment after Sansa thinks of that plan, the Hound steps forward and blocks her opportunity. Not that she would have done it anyway.  The Hound helps to clean her blood off. She thanks him politely like a good girl. 

AGoT 66: Bran VII

Rodrik Cassel is back in Winterfell, following his adventures with Cat Stark, and is helping to train the young recruits who will defend the castle. 

Bran is still crippled, so he's not down there. However, he is looking out of his window and watching the training while Maester Luwin fiddles with some stupid telescope. 

Bran: I'm gonna be honest, Luwin. These guys all suck.

Luwin: Well, your father took all the best men with him to King's Landing. Then the best of who were left went down with Robb to war. What we have now is basically shit.

Bran: I bet I could fight better than these guys, even being a cripple. Just put me on Hodor's back and send me out! I bet I could be just as good as Symeon Star-Eyes. He's that legendary knight who was blinded in both eyes, but then he replaced his eyes with sapphires, and kept on fighting. Old Nan told me about him!

Luwin: That might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Bran: So... what the hell are you doing with that telescope thing anyway?

Luwin: Oh, haven't you heard? There is this awesome red comet that has shown up in the sky. Check it out.

Bran: Nah. Sounds boring.

Luwin: Look, you need to quit these dreams of yours about fighting. It's not going to happen. You're a cripple.

Bran: Hey, speaking of dreams... I just had the craziest one. I was dreaming about that Three Eyed-Crow, right? And he took me down to the crypt. And my dad was there. In the crypt. You know, dead and stuff.

Luwin: It was just a dream, Bran. Your father is not dead.

Bran: No man, it felt so real. I woke up from the dream... and I felt... you know... weird. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Or just one voice. My dad's voice, specifically. And he was shouting, "Holy Shit Arya, I can't believe I died in your POV chapter and you weren't even watching when it happened."  It was so real. I asked Hodor to take me down to the crypt so I could see if dad was there... but he wouldn't.

Luwin: Your father will be there one day, Bran. But not for many years I hope. But if you're going to continue to whine about this then let's have Osha take you down to the crypt so that you can see for yourself.

Bran: Osha? Sure. Why not.

And so Osha, rather than Hodor, takes Bran down to the crypt. Luwin goes with them.

They walk past all the crypts and statues of dead Starks. Finally, they get to the one that will belong to Ned. It's kind of freaky that it's already been built. Whatever. 

Luwin: See, Bran? Your father is not here. He's alive and we--AGHHH!!!

Shaggydog jumps out of Ned's future grave and starts biting Luwin's arm. 

Luwin: AGH!! WHAT THE HELL?!

Bran: SUMMER! SUMMER! HELP! We need you to beat up your brother again. He's being a dick!

And so Summer jumps onto Shaggydog and starts fighting him. 

Summer: *growl* [Translation: I'm the Alpha, punk!]

Shaggydog: *growl* [Translation: No! I'm the Alpha!]

As the wolves fight, Rickon pops out from Ned's grave. 

Rickon: No! Stop! Leave dad alone! Let him be!

Bran: Rickon, what the hell is your dumbass talking about? Dad isn't here.

Rickon: Yes he is! I saw him last night in a dream, so I came here. He's coming home!

Everyone then gets super quiet and stare at each other. 

They then head up to Luwin's tower so that he can get his bloodied arm tended to. Osha helps clean him up and puts bandages on him.  Bran is finally ready to talk about what happened down there. 

Bran: Oh shit. Like, me and Rickon pretty much had the exact same dream last night. You all know that, right?

Luwin: I dunno... a coincidence, maybe?

Osha: A pretty freaky coincidence. The Children of the Forest wouldn't think so. They know that sometimes dreams are MORE than just dreams.

Luwin: Shit, that really was a terrible idea to bring Osha down there with us, because she's just going to scare all you kids even more with her spooky Wildling superstitions about magic talking tree gods.

Bran: Old Nan tells those stories too! The Children of the Forest can talk to the trees.

Luwin: No they can't. You're thinking of the Lorax.

Luwin then stars to retell the old stories about the Children of the Forest, the First Men chopping down trees, the war between the two, the eventual pact made at the Isle of Faces in the Gods Eye, the coming of the Andals, the Age of Heroes, the Long Night, etc. Everyone starts falling asleep and Maester Luwin then starts handing out arrowheads made from obsidian for some reason. I forget why. Probably to wake everyone up because kids think arrowheads are cool. 

Luwin's story keeps getting longer and longer until it's cut off by the sound of the wolves howling again. 

Luwin: Oh damnit, those two are fighting again? I swear, we just need to have Shaggydog euthanized.

The direwolves then silence them selves when they, and everyone else, see a raven appear with a message.

Luwin: Oh crap, I do NOT want to read whatever this message has to say. Not after today. It's been too crazy.

Bran hugs Rickon and starts panicking. 

Bran: What does it say?! What does it say?!

Osha: Oh, I think you already know, Bran.

Luwin looks it over and then sighs really loudly. 

Luwin: I know this is going to come off a bit crass... but does anyone know a good stone caver that knows what Ned looked like?

Rickon: Hey! You said "looked!" That's past tense! I just learned about past tense in school!

Luwin: Very good, Rickon. Very good. 

AGoT 65: Arya V

Arya is on the street of flour, which is surprisingly a street full of butchers. No, just kidding. It's a street where they make bread. Obviously. Don't you know how medieval street naming works?

Arya: Hey, there is a street over there called "Love Street." What do they do over there?

Maybe I'll tell you when you're older, Arya. 

Anyway, Arya is catching pigeons. Sometimes she eats them. Although she prefers to trade them to other people to get other food like tarts. When she's really lucky, she can even get the pigeon cooked by someone rather than having to eat raw pigeon. It's a tough life out there for a street urchin living in Flea Bottom (the Skid Row area of King's Landing). That's what Arya has to pretend to be in order to escape the gold cloaks. They're looking for her, and there is no way out of King's Landing. She's tried every city gate, but they're all guarded.  The only thing she has going for her is that she's so filthy that she blends in well with the peasants and scum. 

Arya: Oh shit... I see a bunch of heads on spikes over by the Red Keep. I bet those are the heads of every single person I knew growing up. Depressing. Anyway, better stay away from there unless I want my head to join those other heads.

Arya has heard all sorts of rumors about what has happened at the Red Keep. Some people say Renly killed the king and ran away. Some people say the king was killed by a wild boar. Other people say that yes, there was indeed a wild boar... but that the fat ass king died choking to death on it because he's so fat.  A hundred different stories with only one thing consistent between them all... the KING IS DEAD!

Arya: I hate this place. I gotta get out of here. I'm surrounded by a bunch of thieves and other kids trying to steal from me. This totally sucks.

Today, Arya goes to the Mud Gate, near the harbor. There she sees a bunch of soldiers standing around and talking. And behind them, a ship called the "Sea Witch." 

Arya: Hey! The Sea Witch! That's that ship that my dad wanted to send me away in to go back to Winterfell! If I can find a way to get on that ship... I can go home!

Guard 1: HEY YOU! BOY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

Arya: Who, me?

Guard 2: Yeah! You! STOP! We heard you over there, speaking an aside to yourself like this was some type of damn Shakespeare play. Get over here.

Arya has just been noticed by the guards and has two options.  She can either try to run away. If that happens, she might get caught and arrested. Then they'll figure out who she is and she'll probably get her head up on that spike. Or she can think of some clever story and try to trick those guards. 

Arya: I... uhm... uhm... yes! I'm a boy. Trying to sell you pigeons! Pigeon! Fresh pigeon! Surely you want a nice, tasty pigeon, you guards! You surely do look hungry!

Guard 1: Ugh, I hate pigeon.

Guard 2: Me too. But I bet that's better than what my wife is cooking for me at home. Hahaha, am I right?

Guard 1: Hahaha! I know! Hahaha!

Arya: Hahaha! Look! I'm laughing to! Women are awful! I am not one of them! I am a boy!

Guard 1: Now get the hell out of here, boy! Nobody wants your stinking pigeon.

And so they send Arya away. 

Arya: Yassssss... success! Although, I guess also a failure... since I couldn't get on that ship.

So Arya skulks her way back to Flea Bottom. When she sits down to eat her raw pigeon, she finds that it's missing. She either dropped it somewhere on the way back or it was stolen from her. 

Arya: DAMNIT! I don't see how this day can get any worse!

Suddenly the bells start ringing at the Sept of Baelor. A crowd gathers. 

Arya: What's going on?

Random Crowd Person: The bells are ringing. What does that mean? The last time the bell rang was when the king died. Did the new king die too?

Other Random Crowd Person: No, you idiot! That bell chime is completely different from this bell ringing. I'm pretty sure that this is the chime for "everybody come and see an awesome execution."

Third Random Crowd Person: YEAH! My friend just texted me. They say it's the Hand of the King! They're taking him to the Sept to be put on trial for treason!

Everyone gets super psyched. The poor masses love watching trials and executions and shit. 

Arya: WHAT?! NO! That's my da--uhhhh.... I mean... oh. Well, nobody is paying attention to me anyway.

Arya joins the crowd and heads over to the Sept of Baelor. This place is PACKED. It's like everyone in town is here. Arya is super short so she can't see anything. But in the center of the courtyard by the Sept there is a statue of Baelor the Blessed, the king who established the sept. She climbs up to the top to get a good look.

Arya: Oh wow! There is my dad, with two gold cloaks holding him down. Also there is the High Septon, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei, the Hound, a bunch of Kingsguards, Varys, Littlefinger, and Sansa. SANSA?! What is she doing there and why does she look so happy?!

Her dad begins speaking. 

Ned: Fans... for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today... I consider myself... the luckiest man... on the face of this earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never--

One of the gold cloaks whispers in his ear. 

Ned: Oh, sorry. That's the Lou Gehrig speech. I was supposed to give the other one. *AHEM* I, Eddard "Ned" Stark, to solemnly declare that I have betrayed King Robert.

Crowd: *GASP*

Ned: I plotted with Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon to overthrow Robert's legitimate son, Joffrey Lannister. *cough* I mean Joffrey "Baratheon." You all see those air quotes I'm doing, right?  I plotted with them to spread the awful, awful, awful and totally not true *wink* lie that Joffrey isn't actually Robert's son, but instead the result of hot and heavy sexual incest between Cersei Lannister and her brother, Jaime Lannister.

Cersei: Okay, a little too explicit of an apology there, Ned. Back it off a little bit and stick to the high-level bullets.

Ned: I stand here, before the Sept of Baelor, to confess my sin before the king and before the seven gods. And beg for mercy.

Someone in the crowd throws a stone at him. 

Crowd: BOOOO!!!! TRAITOR!!!

Crowd people really love throwing stones and watching executions. So this whole "mercy" thing is not really up their alley. 

High Septon: We stand here before a great church. And remember, the king who built this church, Blessed Baelor, taught us all that mercy was a true sign of just rule. Now that we have heard this man confess his sins - let our dear king decide the fate of Ned Stark. And as he does so, we should all remember that thing I just said about mercy. We should also think about how we are standing in front of a church. How fucked up would it be to execute a man in front of a church?

Crowd: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!

Joffrey: Oh man. This is a tough one. On the one hand, every single one of my counselors has advised me that mercy is the way to go and will  help to end this raging war that is going on in the Seven Kingdoms. But on the other hand, I'm a sick, twisted fuck who really likes to watch people die. And it looks like you guys in the crowd are just as sick as me, am I right?

Crowd: WOOOOOO!!!!

Joffrey: So, Illyn Payne... BRING ME HIS HEAD!

The crowd goes wild. But everyone up by Joffrey looks shocked. Cersei. The High Septon. Varys. 

Sansa: NOOOOO!!!!

Arya: NOOOOO!!!

The guards hold Ned Stark down and Illyn Payne approaches with his blade. 

Cersei: This wasn't the deal we made, son!

Joffrey: Hahahaha, women and their soft, weak hearts! Right, everyone? But we can't let traitors get away with this kind of shit!

Arya jumps down from the statue and draws Needle. She tries to make her way up to the execution zone to help her father... but she's grabbed by someone. 

Arya: NO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!

Yoren, of the Night's Watch: Shut up, BOY! Remember me? Yoren? I was talking with your father quite a few chapters ago.

Arya: Let me go! I'm not a boy!

Yoren: Yes, yes. I know you're not a boy. Can't you see what I'm doing here? We're going to pretend you're a boy so that you can more easily escape.

Arya: NO! I need to help save my dad!

Yoren: Too late.

Arya: What do you mean "too late?"

Yoren: I mean he's dead already. It just happened.

Arya: Wait... what?

Yoren: Your father was just beheaded. Right now, here in your POV chapter while you were looking the other way.

Arya: So that's it? That's how Ned Stark dies in the books?  He's beheaded and within the POV chapter where he's beheaded... the person whose POV it is, namely me, doesn't even actually see it?

Yoren: That is correct.

Arya: So, in a way, Ned Stark is executed "off camera" in the books. And I know that's a somewhat poor example considering that there is no "camera" in novels - but you know what I mean.

Yoren: Also correct. You're in a crowd. Ned Stark is about to be executed. And then in all the chaos and while fighting me off... you don't even see it happen. The main character of the books is now dead.

Arya: This is so messed up.

Yoren: Shut up, BOY! Now let's get the hell out of here.

R.I.P. Ned Stark's CSI Notebook: 298AC - 299AC

AGoT 64: Daenerys VIII

Khal Drogo is looking super weak and swaying back and forth on his horse. A bunch of flies are circling him like a corpse and he doesn't even bat them away. Finally, he falls out of the saddle and to the ground.

Dany: Oh honey, no! We need to stop and rest!

Dany tries to pick him up and carry him, but Drogo will have none of it.

Drogo: No Dan Ares Wife. Khal who no ride is no Khal. I must get up and ride.

Drogo's bloodriders ride up to see what all the commotion is.

Dany: Uhh... NOTHING TO SEE HERE! Drogo is doing fine. Just fine. It's just that... uhh... I'm a bit tired. So how about we stop and set up camp here? And Qotho, go get Mirri Maz Duur for me.

The bloodriders are not happy with the orders, but they obey. Although to be fair - the tradition of the Dothraki is that the bloodriders have to die too when their Khal dies. So I imagine nothing about this whole "Drogo is dying" thing is that appealing to them.

Dany and her maidens help bathe Drogo once the tent is set up. Then Jorah shows up.

Jorah: HEY! I read a line that was something about "Dany" and "Bathing!" Oh... oh... she's just bathing Drogo. Never mind, I'm less interested now.

Reminder: Dany is still jailbait. This is pretty much an episode of MTV Teen Moms.

Dany begins to rip off Drogo's plaster to look at the wound.  When she does, it smells awful. Just like Robert after the boar attack. Although Dany wouldn't know anything about that because it was a continent away with different characters. I'm just trying to give you all a comparison.

Jorah: Oh shit, that smells like death. I'm sorry, Khalessi... but the wound has corrupted. Drogo is doomed. Oh, also, everyone in the whole camp has already heard that Drogo fell off his horse. You trying to hush it up was not effective.  You should escape now before your husband dies.

Dany: What? Escape? Why would I escape?

Jorah: You know the rules. When a Khal dies, his wife is sent back to Vaes Dothrak and you'll become part of the dosh khaleen - the old spinsters who sit around,  play bridge, and talk about their cats.

Dany: I do like cats!

Jorah: My god, it's happening already and you're still only old enough to be a freshman in high school.

Dany: Anyway, you and the blood riders will protect me, right? You won't let me be taken back to Vaes Dothrak.

Jorah: Actually, it is the blood riders JOB to bring you back. Their last job. Once Drogo dies, they must take you there and then kill themselves to join their Khal.

Dany: Wow, that is so messed up. But I'm not leaving my beloved Drogo. Moon of my moon, my sun and stars or however that saying goes. I forget.

Qotho then returns with Mirri Maz Duur.

Dany: What the hell, Mirri? You said you would heal him! Now look at him, he's dying!

Mirri Maz Duur: Oh, you're going to blame this on me? Do you remember what I said? I said he needed to leave his plaster on. Did he? No! He tore it off so that he could scratch himself. I said that he needed to abstain from milk of the poppy. What's he doing? Drinking milk of the poppy! I said he needed to NOT feed the Mogwai after midnight. And what did he do? JUST LOOK!

A bunch of evil Gremlins are running around in the tent causing havoc, led by Stripe. Gizmo looks down in shame.

Qotho: This your fault, witch!

Qotho starts beating Mirri. Haggo joins in too because beating women is something that Dothraki are pretty good at.

Dany: STOP! STOP!

Qotho: Why we listen to you? Wife of dying Khal! Maybe we take you out and rape you too with this witch.

Dany: Oh shit, you did NOT just say that. JORAH!

Jorah draws his sword. The bloodriders back away. 

Dany: Put on your armor, Jorah. I have an odd suspicion there will be a fight scene later in this chapter.

Jorah: Yes, Khaleesi.

He leaves to do so. And now that everyone has gone, Dany turns to Mirri.

Dany: So... Mirri... you know a bunch of witch dark magic shit, huh?

Mirri Maz Duur: Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I might have memorized every single line in The Craft. What's it to you?

Dany: Save my husband! Make it so that he doesn't die!

Mirri Maz Duur: Hrm... I do know some blood magic, learned in the far off Shadow Lands. But it's called "blood magic" for a reason. To gain life, you must pay with life. You dig?

Dany: What? You mean like MY life? Because if so, fuck that.

Mirri Maz Duur: No. Not your life.

Dany: Okay, then DEAL!

Mirri Maz Duur: What? Really? It was that easy? You're just going to shout "deal" like that and agree without getting the specifics of this deal?

Dany: Yes.

Mirri Maz Duur: You've never heard the phrase, "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it"?

Dany: Yes. I have heard that before. There was already a Pussycat Dolls joke about that back in Chapter 10. Why?

Mirri Maz Duur: Ever heard of the "deal with the devil" trope? You know... how you make a deal with an untrustworthy, mysterious person using the dark arts and they interpret the deal in a way that goes completely against the intent of the person who wanted the deal and yet is completely consistent with the actual words of the deal.

Dany: Oh yeah! I once saw this episode of Tales from the Crypt where Andrew McCarthy had a huge crush on Mariel Hemingway. He wanted her to love him, but she didn't. But his landlord was this guy who claimed to have this love potion that would make Mariel Hemingway love him forever. And so he made this deal with him and got the love potion. And at first it worked. Mariel Hemingway was totally into Andrew McCarthy and digging him.  But then it got crazy. She was SUPER OBSESSED with him and it became too much. I forget what happened after that. I think maybe he had to kill her or something because she was so obsessed. But remember how I said that the love potion made it so that she would love him FOREVER, right? So even after she was killed, her corpse came back and was still in love with him.

Mirri Maz Duur: Yes, well. It's kind of like that.

Dany: I'm sorry. What were we talking about again? I forget. I was thinking about Mariel Hemingway. So sad.

Mirri Maz Duur: What's sad about Mariel Hemingway?

Dany: You know. How she killed herself.

Mirri Maz Duur: She didn't.

Dany: What?

Mirri Maz Duur: You're thinking of Margaux Hemingway. Mariel Hemingway is still alive and doing well.

Dany: Oh.

Mirri Maz Duur: You know what? Never mind. You already made the deal. Let's just go through with this already. Could you bring me a horse?

And so Mirri Maz Duur puts Drogo in a bathtub, slits a horse's throat and bathes Drogo in the blood, and starts chanting. It pretty much sounds like the opening few minutes of Iron Maiden's "Sign of the Cross." 

The tent begins to glow with fiery shadows of ghosts and shit. Awesome. 

Jhogo: NO! NO! DANY! PLEASE STOP THIS! YOU MUST  NOT USE BLACK MAGIC!

Outside, a crowd gathers.

Qotho: Oh shit! Me have to kill witch! Then Dany!

Qotho goes in for the kill, but Jorah runs back onto the scene just in time to kill him... but not without taking a slice of arakh to the hip.

Oustide, Khal Drogo's other bloodriders and Dany's khas have begun a full-on Dothraki-versus-Dothraki civil war. 

Chief of Staff John Kelly: Really, the cause of this civil war was a failure to compromise.

Jorah Mormont then cuts down John Kelly.

The civil war quickly ends, with the bloodriders being killed. Which is, I guess, convenient considering that they were supposed to die soon anyway.

The ritual comes to an end and the crowd begins to disperse. Mostly because they're scared AF.  Dany is now weak and can barely pick herself up.

Dany: Uhh... also... I think my water just broke.

Jorah: CALL THE BIRTHING WOMEN! CALL THE BIRTHING WOMEN!

Doreah: They ran away. They think Dany is cursed for calling upon black magic!

Jorah: What?! Then who can help out with this birthing if the birthing women have fled?

Mirri Maz Duur: Hehehehe, I think I know a thing or two about birthing. Learned it on Goop!

AGot 63: Catelyn X

Catelyn is being guarded by a bunch of soliders under the command of Winterfell's captain of the guard, Hallis Mollen.  She is fretting while Robb is getting ready to lead his small cavalry team (or as he calls them, "horseys") to attack Jaime Lannister in the Whispering Wood. 

Why is Cat fretting so much? Well, despite the fact that Robb's army has gotten even stronger (recently the forces of the Mallisters joined, and many of the Tully forces that escaped earlier have met up and joined Robb) -- he is still outnumbered by the Lannisters, three-to-one. 

Additionally, in order to sneakily attack the Lannisters, they had to split up their forces into three smaller groups. While this makes them faster and more able to do quick sneak attacks, it also leaves them more vulnerable if discovered.  To avoid such discovery, Blackfish has been going out and continuing his campaign of killing all of Jaime's advance scouts.  

Not to mention - the whole plan rests on Jaime Lannister taking the bait. Robb sent forward one group of 100 Tully men to the Whispering Woods, and allowed Jaime Lannister to find out about that group. If Jamie falls for it and attacks that group... he'll quickly be surrounded by the other hidden forces and captured. But will Jamie fall for it?

Robb: Okay my new contractually-required squire Frey, help me with that sword and shield.

Olyvar Frey: Yes, Lord Stark.

Robb: So, mom. It's been real and it's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun. I'm off to go capture me Jaime Lannister. COME ON DOGGO, WITH ME!!!

Robb signals for Grey Wind to follow and they charge off. 

And now Cat can do nothing but wait. Wait for a man to return to her. Something she's done her whole life. Because the oppressive patriarchy!

So she waits. 

And waits.

And waits. 

Until she hears the sound of battle in the distance. Screams. Metal colliding. Horses whinnying. Shouts.

Eventually Robb rides back and says hi to his mom. 

Robb: Hi mom.

Cat: Holy shit, Robb! You're covered in blood and are riding a different horse than the one you rode off into battle with.

Robb: Yeah, about that... Chestnut is dead. Here, I have a gift for you though.

He nods to his men, and they throw a bag off of the back of the horse. They untie the bag and Jaime Lannister's head pops out. 

Cat: OH SNAP, YOU DID IT!

Jamie gets out of the back and kneels before Cat.

Jaime: I'd hand you my sword, but I seem to have misplaced it.

Cat: I don't want your stupid sword. I want you to give me my husband and daughters!

Jaime: I seem to have misplaced those too.

Cat kicks him in his smug fucking face. 

Cat: And could you also un-paralyze Bran while you're at it?

Theon: Let's cut off his head!

Robb: No! As tempting as that would be, the Kingslayer is worth more to us alive than dead. And my father told me that its dishonorable to kill prisoners.

Jaime: I know, right? Thank you!

Robb: Now put him back in the bag. And hit it the bag with a bunch of thick sticks. My dad never said that beating a prisoner in a bag with a bunch of big sticks was dishonorable.

And so his men do that. 

Robb: Oh, and also make sure to keep Jaime away from Lord Karstark.

Cat: Why's that?

Robb: Ah, good question, mom... and perhaps I should provide a little more context. Do you see where Lord Karstark's sons Torrhen and Eddard are among the forces that rode back with me?

Cat looks around. 

Cat: No.

Robb: That's because they didn't ride back with me. They're dead. Oh, here might be a little bit of Torrhen right here...

He picks some brain off of his surcoat.

Robb: And  Daryn Hornwood is dead too. Which also sucks. Still... it's better than me being dead. And I almost was. Jaime charged right towards me. Lord Karstark's sons saved me... but at the cost of their own lives. And while their losses are terrible, overall it's a big win. We captured probably 100 nights and a dozen lord bannermen.

Cat: Yes son, but you have just won a battle... not the war!

Robb: BE A LITTLE MORE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR SON, YOU BITCH! I WON A HUGE VICTORY AND I LITERALLY ALMOST DIED!

Cat: And while you may have taken the leader of these Lannister forces... the rest of them still besiege Riverrun. And let's not forget that this is the smaller part of the Lannister forces. Lord Tywin's army also needs to be defeated!

Robb: You know what, you negative Nancy, I'm just going to leave  you right now and chill with my doggo since you're being a downer.

Grey Wolf: WOOF! [Translation: I love the taste of this human blood all over my fur]. 

AGoT 62: Tyrion VIII

The Lannister army has set up a giant picnic table on the side of the Kingsroad.  Autumn may have come, but it's still warm enough for a last few barbecues. Besides, some meals would be great before they head off to war.

Tyrion waddles up to the table to take a seat, but everyone else is already there. 

Tywin: Son, if you show up to battle as late as you show up to dinner than I'm going to put you in charge of the team that rearranges all the bodies to pose for tastefully-done Matthew Brady war photographs.

Tyrion: Meh.

Ser Addam Marbrand: Sers, word has just arrived that Robb Stark's forces have left the Twins and are only about a day away from us.

Tyrion: Dude, I'm about to have dinner here. Why do you have to remind me that I'm going to be on a bloody battlefield tomorrow? Can't you just let me have this one meal.

Tywin: What's wrong, Tyrion? Scared of a little battle against a teenage boy? A dumb teenage boy who is more brave than he is wise?

Tyrion: The only battle I want to think about now is the battle of my teeth versus that pig roast you got cooking there. Somebody hand me some BBQ sauce.

Leo Lefford: Ha! I hope your 300 clansmen are braver than you, Imp! If not, then I have just wasted a lot of good armor and swords.

Tyrion: Who the fuck are you?

Leo Lefford: I am Leo Lefford, the quartermaster in charge of Tywin's supply vans in the back of the army. 

Tyrion: You seem like a pretty minor and useless character. Shut up. I hope you drown at Stone Mill.

Leo Lefford: Oddly specific.

Kevan Lannister: Tyrion, you and your men will fight in the vanguard, since your men are so ferocious.

Tyrion: Oh sweet, the vanguard the back, right? Like... those supply vans that Leo was just talking about? All we have to do is guard those vans?

Kevan: No. The "van" part of "vanguard" is more like "adVANced guard," as in you're in advance of everyone. As in you are the front line of our forces. You know, the expendable people who die first. Technically it's from the medieval French avant-garde, i.e. the ward in front.

Tyrion: What does "French" mean?

Kevan: I have no idea. There is no place on the map called "France," so I'm not quite sure.

Tyrion: Anyway, it's true that my men are ferocious. Why just the other day they were all killing each other, fighting over a sausage.

Tywin: Sounds like a shitty, undisciplined army led by an incompetent, shitty, undisciplined leader. e.g. you.

Tyrion: Thanks, dad.

Tywin: These undisciplined men should not lead the vanguard. Perhaps you should instead guard the supply van in the back where your dipshits can't get into trouble.

Tyrion: SEE? SEE?! SUPPLY VAN! You can't all act like I'm the only one that would be confused that the vanguard isn't the part of the army guarding the vans.

Everyone is totally confused by that. But nobody admits it. They all pretend that they knew all along that "vanguard" meant front. 

Tyrion: Besides, I see you trying to take my honor away, father. No thanks. My men will stay at the front and I'll lead them to victory. You'll see.

Tywin: YOU'LL lead them? Hahahaha, who said anything about you leading the vanguard? Kevan said that "you and your men will fight in the vanguard."  Ser Gregor Clegane will lead the vanguard.

Tyrion: Ugh. The Mountain? You mean the guy who kills babies by smashing them into walls? You know... now that I look at this gooey, red cranberry sauce on the table and think about the Mountain, I don't have an appetite anymore.  If you'll excuse me...

Tyrion walks away from the picnic table to go join his barbarian buddies. By the time he gets there, it's late and the sun has set. 

Tyrion: Shagga! Conn! Randy "Macho Man" Savage! How you guys doing?

Shagga: We kill thing and now we cook it. You want to eat it too?

Tyrion: Eh, maybe later. For now I just want to go back to my tent.

Conn: Okay, but Conn have something very important to tell you. Maybe Conn tell you tomorrow. See you after battle!

And so Tyrion goes to his tent. He's a man of action. Outside he finds his good old buddy, Bronn. Along with a new squire he was just given - Podrick Payne. 

Podrick Payne: Good to see you again, Ser. Please, have some wine.

He pours some wine for Tyrion. Bronn also gets some more wine because the best thing to do before battle is to get fucked up drunk. 

Bronn: No narrator, the best thing to do before battle is to get fucked. Full stop.

Tyrion: Yes, which is why I told you to find me a nice spinner before the battle. So... what you find?

Bronn: Behond... this chick named Shae!

Shae: Hi!

Shae is a slim, drop dead gorgeous brunette and Tyrion nods approvingly.

Tyrion: Okay, everyone get the hell away from my tent now. It's been almost a year since I last got laid. What with me going up to the Wall where there are no women, followed by me getting kidnapped by Cat Stark and her crazy sister and imprisoned by them. I am about to tear this girl up.

So Tyrion and Shae go into the tent alone and everyone else buggers off. 

Tyrion: Now, just to set some ground rules for this relationship, Shae... you need to screw me, serve me, and also be in a monogamous relationship with me. You can't do any other guys while you're with me. I know you're a ho, but now you're my ho.  Also, we need a safe word...

Shae: Oh, I don't do safe words.

Tyrion: Hrm. You know what... you actually sound perfect.

And so they get to business. Who knows if Shae feels anything at all, but she's screaming like she does. Tyrion can't tell if she's faking it... but then again she's a prostitute and that's what she's supposed to do. 

Shae: OH! OH YES! OH YES, MY GIANT! OH!

Tyrion: Okay, enough with the "giant" stuff. I think you're just being sarcastic now.

Shae: Over the top? Okay, I'll dial it down a notch.

She doesn't. 

Tyrion finishes, rolls over and smokes a Newport. Don't ask me why he has Newports. Maybe he has a black friend or something.

Tyrion: RACIST.

Sorry. 

Shae falls asleep not long after and Tyrion sneaks out to go find his buddy Bronn. Everyone needs a high five after sex. 

Tyrion: Dude...where did you find that girl? That was some high class escort kind of stuff there.

Bronn: Stole her from Eliot Spitzer.

Tyrion: Oh wow... is anyone going to even get Eliot Spitzer jokes?  That was years ago.

Bronn: Doesn't matter. The point is, all the good looking girls were already taken... so I had to take an already taken girl. It might make you a new enemy, but hey... I'm here to protect you, right?

Tyrion: You better be protecting me. If I survive this battle tomorrow, you can name your reward!

Bronn: Oh shit, can I be king?

Tyrion: Well no, not ANY reward. You need to be a little more practical. I'm not a genie.

Bronn: Don't worry, you probably won't die.

Tyrion: Uhh... didn't you hear? Tywin is putting us in the vanguard.

Bronn: See, that term confuses me. Because we have all those supply vans in the back. So you'd think the vanguard would be in the back, guarding the vans. But no. The vanguard is in the FRONT, leading the battle.

Tyrion: I KNOW, RIGHT? I WAS JUST SAYING THAT!

Bronn: Anyway, if you're in the vanguard... tough shit. You're going to die. Make sure to write a letter to your mother, telling her you love her.

Tyrion: My mother died in childbirth... my birth. 

Bronn: Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry, man. Seriously. I was just fucking with you. Really though... a tiny man with a big shield... I bet you'll give those Stark archers fits! You'll probably be okay!

Tyrion: You think?

Bronn: Sure, why not? Although just in case, you might want to make sure your will is up to date. Since you don't have kids, I guess you could make me your beneficiary.

Tyrion goes back to the tent and bangs Shae some more. 

The next morning, before even dawn, the battle horns sound.

Tyrion: WHAT THE HELL?

The tent opens and Bronn comes in. 

Bronn: Dude! The Starks marched all night long and they're on us! We need to get our asses out there... NOW!

Podrick shows up and helps Tyrion throw on some ill-fitting armor. He's got some custom-fitted stuff back at home... but it, of course, isn't out here in the middle of a battlefield.

Tyrion: Shae... will you weep for me if I die?

Shae: How will you know if I do or not? You'll be dead.

Tyrion: Good point.

Tyrion gets up on his horse and is handed his axe. They start to ride into battle.

Tyrion: Do we really have to narrate a giant battle scene now? Like talking about specific tactical moves made by Tywin in charge of the armored knights and Kevan in charge of the center? Stuff about being ordered to hold the left of the river? All kinds of stuff about what houses I see holding flags in battle and the state of the armies? Sub-plots about feigned routs? Can't we just do like the TV show and have me get bonked on the head to wake up to the battle already being over?

Well, the TV show just did that because in Season 1 they didn't have any money to film a big battle scene.

Tyrion: True, but are people going to actually care about lines and lines of battle in italics?

I suppose not. Tyrion gets bonked on the head and wakes up. The battle is over.

Tyrion: See? Wasn't that bette--OH SHIT, half of my clansmen are dead, including Conn and Ulf! Conn will never be able to tell me that super important thing now!

Randy Savage: BUT NOT THE MACHO MAN! THE MACHO MAN STILL LIVES!

Tywin: Ah, Tyrion. I see you are injured. You should be proud. Your men fought well. Which actually sucked and hurt my plans a little bit.

Tyrion: WHAT?!

Tywin: Yes, your men were supposed to be so shitty that Robb Stark's army would spot it and immediately charge all their forces there. But it would be a trap and the rest of my army would come up and route them. Alas, this Stark boy was too cautious. Oh well, we still won anyway. Although not as decisive a victory as I would have hoped.

Tyrion: You mean my clansmen were just BAIT? Uhh... you could have told us that.

Tywin: No, no. It's better you didn't know. More realistic that way, ya know?

Tyrion: Fuck you, dad.

Ser Addam Marbrand then rides up. 

Addam: Uhh, Lord Lannister. I've got some good news and some bad news.

Tywin: Well, since we won I'm sure the bad news can't be THAT bad. But how about we go with the good news first anyway?

Addam: We have captured Lord Cerwyn, Ser Wylis Manderly, Harrion Karstark, and four Freys. Lord Halys Hornwood was killed.

Tywin: Hahaha, awesome! Okay, now the bad news.

Addam: Lord Roose Bolton has escaped, and--

Tywin: --Ah, that's not THAT bad. He put up a good fight and retreated when he--

Addam: --No, let me finish, Ser. Also, Robb Stark wasn't here. At all.

Tywin: Say what now?

Addam: Apparently they split their forces. Robb crossed with most of his horses at the Twins and is riding hard for Riverrun and Jaime's army. We just got word.

Tywin: WHAT THE HELL?!

Tyrion: Hahaha, oh man, dad. You should see the look on your face! Priceless! And you were talking all sorts of shit about Robb Stark being  more brave than wise. Who really just got lured into a trap? YOU, BITCH!

AGoT 61: Daenerys VII

Dany is chilling in a town of the Lamb Men, aka the Lhazareen.  And by "chilling," I mean watching wanton rape, murder and destruction. That's kind of what the Dothraki do. They go to villages of rivals and rape and murder everyone.  

Technically it wasn't even Khal Drogo who started it. A rival Khal, Ogo, attacked the town first.  And even though Ogo was just at the feast for Drogo and Dany in Vaes Dothrak - what happens in Las Vaes Dothrak stays in Las Vaes Dothrak. So Drogo just attacked the forces of Ogo and started killing them all. This made the Lamb Men happy, because they thought they were being saved by Drogo. But really, Drogo's army just wanted to do all the raping and plundering itself, rather than let Ogo's men have all the fun. 

And thus here we are with the survivors of Ogo's men and the Lhazareen being bound up and chained into slavery.

Jorah: See Dany... this whole slavery thing isn't that bad. Take it from me and several officials in the Trump administration.

Dany: You're messed up, man. Any news from my husband?

Jorah: Oh yeah, he's captured Ogo and his son. He killed them.

Dany: Brutal. We were just having a meal with them the other day. They watched me eat horse heart.

Jorah: Most of Ogo's men have run away, but we've still got a lot of captives. Like 10,000 or something. We should probably head south to Mereen and sell them there. Slaves fetch a better price in the South, as one would expect because the South is pretty much fucked up in every country that has a South. Drogo also received some minor wounds in the battle. Probably nothing to worry about though.

Dany: Nothing to worry about? What the hell?! This is olden times. We don't even have antiseptics!

Jorah: Nah, I'm sure it's nothing. I wouldn't quite go building a pyre to burn yourself on quite yet. He'll be fine.

Dany is then treated to the wonderful sight of a brutal gang rape like 15 feet away from her. 

Dany: HEY! HEY! CUT THAT OUT! STOP IT! I COMMAND YOU AS YOUR KHALEESI!

The Dothraki are totally shocked. Raping is part of their culture. Just one of many things the Dothraki has in common with fraternities on college campuses. So they just ignore Dany and keep on going. 

Dany: Jorah! Jhogo! Quaro! Stop them!

Jhogo: Why? It is an honor for a lamb woman to be mounted by a Dothraki.

Quaro: Yes! An honor! Just like it was an honor for that girl with Kobe.

Irri: It is known.

Dany: JORAH, DO SOMETHING!

Jorah: Geez, you really are your brother's sister, huh? And by that I mean Rhaegar. Not shitty Dragon Lad.

Jorah goes over and breaks it up. Which requires killing the two rapists because, hey, that seems like something you should probably do to rapists.  Dany then tells Doreah to tend to the wounds of the rape victim which seems like a sensible job for someone who's occupation is "sex teacher." 

Dany rides along through the carnage and saves more girls from rape. The whole thing is SUPER messed up and I'm incredibly uncomfortable even writing this chapter. Jorah tells her she can't save them all, but she doesn't listen. 

Dany eventually finds her husband and sees the "minor" wound that Jorah had mentioned. 

Dany: WHAT THE HELL?! You have an entire nipple sliced off! That was my favorite one too!

Drogo: This? But merely a flesh wound. Give Dro Go character. Make Dro Go look distinguished.

Dany: And with your nipple cut off I didn't even notice that YOU ALSO HAVE AN ARROW STICKING OUT OF YOUR ARM!!!!

Drogo: Arrow? No. That Dro Go's new jewelry. He get shot in arm but like it. Very fashionable. All Dothraki will wear soon.

One of the Dothraki, Mago, then rides up to Drogo and begins to speak to his Khal in the Dothraki language. He's angry and tells Drogo about all the women that Dany was saving from rape and murder. 

Drogo: Is this true, Dan Ares Wife?

Dany: Yeah.

Drogo: Rape what we Dothraki do. Did you no get memo?

Dany: It's just not right! At least have the raped girls marry the rapists after it's done! You know... like it says in Deuteronomy. By the way everyone, the bible is fucked up.

Jorah: Whoa now Dany, we're getting into some rough territory there. Maybe you should have mentioned General Hospital instead. Like with Luke and Laura.

Qotho: Qotho no marry lamb woman! Horse no breed with sheep!

Dany: That analogy doesn't even make sense, since you were LITERALLY just mounting and having sexual activity with that lamb lady. If you want to talk analogies... DRAGONS eat both horse and sheep. So shut your mouth down before I shut it for you.

Drogo: Ha ha ha! OW!!! Dan Ares Wife so funny and know how to give shit to Dro Go's men. I would laugh more, but it causes much pain to lungs with cut off nipple.

Dany: Ohmygod honey, are you okay? It really looks like you're wincing there! Is there a doctor anywhere here? Anywhere? Hello? A doctor? Please!

Mirri Maz Duur: I'm sort of a doctor. More like a "healer," really. Can I help?

Dany: Who the hell are you?

Mirri Maz Duur: I am Mirri Maz Duur, one of the Lamb Ladies that you just saved from being raped.

Aggo: No listen to Lamb Lady! I cut her throat! She no doctor! She crazy lamb witch!

Dany: NO! STOP! Don't cut her throat. Surely we can trust this crazy lamb witch who just saw her entire village burned to the ground and everyone she knows be raped and murdered. Surely she's so grateful that I stopped her from being raped that she'll now immediately side with us and help heal the very leader who commanded her to be raped and killed everyone she knows.

Mirri Maz Duur: Yes. Of course you can trust me. MWAHAHAHAHA.

Aggo: See? You hear that? EVIL LAUGH! EVIL LAUGH!

Dany: I didn't hear any evil laugh. So how did you come to be a healer, Mirri Maz Duur?

Mirri Maz Duur: Well, it's a long story. But generally I just follow all the medical advise provided by Gweneth Paltrow on Goop.

Dany: Seems legit.

Mirri Maz Duur: Bring Khal Drogo into my temple. My healing powers are better there.

Drogo rises to stand up, but falls down in pain.

Dany: Here honey, let me help you.

She helps him to the temple. Everyone else follows. 

Mirri Maz Duur: Uhh... some privacy, please? I don't need everyone standing around and watching me as I kill curse heal him.

But the rest won't go. They don't trust her blindly, like Dany does. They stay there and hold Drogo down as Mirri Maz Duur pulls out the arrow and pours boiling wine onto his wounds. Needless to say, it hurts and Drogo is screaming in pain. It takes every single person in the room to hold Drogo down so he doesn't jump up and begin punching everyone in their face. 

Mirri Maz Duur: Next, we will need to put a plaster on Drogo to keep his wounds clean. Ahh.. let's see... let's see... plaster... plaster... AH! this should do!

Mirri throws some fucking leaves that were laying around on the floor on the wounds. That's right, the awesome healing power of LEAVES. Remember that time you broke your arm riding a bike and the doctor recommended you put a cast of maple leaves around it? Yeah, I don't either. 

Mirri Maz Duur: Do not drink wine or milk of the poppy for ten days. And do not pull this plaster off, no matter how much it itches. And do not go into the pool within one hour after eating. And please... please... please, Drogo -- DO NOT FEED THE MOGWAI AFTER MIDNIGHT!

Drogo: Dro Go thank witch lady but now Dro Go feel itch.

Drogo begins ripping leaves off and starts scratching his wound. 

Drogo: Ahhhhhh! Scratch itch good.

Mirri Maz Duur: STOP IT! I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT.

Dany: Wow Mirri Maz Duur, you seem like a really good doctor. You know, when I have my baby I'd like for you to be there and help deliver my child.

Drogo: Wife Dan Ares no ask slave woman. Wife Dan Ares TELL slave woman.

Mirri Maz Duur: Oh, it would be an honor, Dany. Such an honor. MWAHAHAHAHA!

Aggo: See? There it goes again, Dany! You CANNOT tell me that you didn't hear that!

Dany: Hear what, Aggo? 

AGoT 60: Jon VIII

Lord Commander Mormont: Oh, hey Jon... how the fuck you doing?

Raven: CORN!

Jon Snow: Oh, I'm fine. Just fine. Not in CONSTANT, UNENDING PAIN FROM THESE BURNS ALL OVER MY HAND. You remember, right? The ones I got from throwing a burning curtain on a zombie that was attacking your naked ass?

Mormont: Geez, you're so whiny. Well look on the bright side, at least your flesh can burn. That proves you're not a Targaryen or anything.

Jon: What? Why did you mention that? Who has accused me of being a Targaryen? Everyone knows that I'm Ned Stark's bastard.

Mormont: Eh, I don't know why I said that.

Jon: Besides... is that a fact? That Targaryens can't burn? I'm pretty sure they can burn and that's just a myth.

Mormont: *shrugs* Maybe we should go to Aemon and figure that out. Hehehe.

Jon: Huh? Why would Aemon know? Oh right... because he's a learn-ed scholar with years of training from the citadel. He studied to become a maester and knows many things. Good point.

Mormont: Uhhh... yessssss. That's what I was implying. Anyway, moving on... thanks for setting fire to zombie Othor for me. THAT WAS CRAZY! Dead bodies coming alive and turning into ice zombie people? Hope that the burns on your hand don't cause too much damage.

Jon: Aemon says I'll be fine. Fine except for the SCARS I'LL HAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Physical and emotional!!! Dude, you should all be glad I sleep by myself with Ghost. I don't want anyone else seeing how messed up I am having nightmares about those Wights.  I had one the other night and it had my father's face.

Mormont: Well, you're not the only one injured by the fire. I mean just look at this!

Mormont points to his former beard, which is now shaved off because some of it was slightly tinged by the fire. After a tiny bit of hair burned off from one side it looked uneven, so he cut all the rest off.

Jon: That's some serious first world problems there, Lord Commander.

Mormont: Well, if you're going to insult me I might as well give you an update that the rangers have returned from their search and still haven't found any sign of your uncle Benjen, meaning he's almost certainly dead or perhaps transformed into a half-dead, half-alive guide named "Coldhands." I dunno. That last bit is just a random guess. Anyway, they didn't spot any more wights though either. So that's a good thing. But rest assured there are more out there. The cold is coming in and the dead will rise. OoOoOOoooo...

Jon: Anyway, I saw that there was a raven last night. Any news? Anything about my father?

Raven: CORN!

Mormont: Dude, I would have told you about that if there was word. And nothing about your sisters either. No, the news was about Barristan Selmy. He was kicked out of the Kingsguard. Now he's wanted for treason after killing two Gold Cloaks who tried to arrest him. That is so messed up. What kind of idiot king sends city guards to arrest an honorable member of the Kingsguard? Not the kind of king we should have on the throne while the Others are waking from thousands of years of sleep and the dead are rising from their graves.

Jon still isn't sure if Mormont is telling him everything from the letters. Perhaps he's just telling certain parts and leaving out others.

Mormont: So, when does Aemon think you'll be able to use a sword again?

Jon: Soon.

Mormont: Good, I got you this.

Mormont unsheaths a sword and hands it to Snow.

Mormont: This is Longclaw, ancestral blade of the House Mormont that goes back five hundred years. Forged from Valyrian steel. It used to have the pommel of a bear on it, but that was burned in the fire. So I had it re-done with the pommel of a wolf and I give it to you.

Jon: HOLY SHIT! What an honor! I... I... I don't even have words, Jeor. I shouldn't be given this! It belongs to your family. It should go to your real son, not to me!

Mormont: My real son? Oh, you mean that dipshit traitor and slave-trader Jorah? Even he was smart enough to leave the sword behind when he shamefully fled this country to Essos. No, you're like my, new, adopted son. I give this to you.

Jon: Hrm... if I didn't know better than I'd say this fine blade is halfway between an Oakeshott Type XIII longsword and an Oakshott Type XIIa greatsword, making it a... bastard sword.

Mormont starts giggling.

Jon: You're giving me a bastard sword?

Mormont: No. Really. It's a great honor. Ahahahahaha.

Jon: Fine. Whatever. This thing is Valyrian steel. It's probably worth like a bajillion dollars on eBay. I was always a bastard so I knew I'd never inherit Ice from my father. So, I'll take it.

Mormont: Of course, since a bastard sword can be swung one-handed or two-handed, you'll have to learn to swing with two hands now. When your hand is well enough, the new master-at-arms, Endrew Tarth, will teach you.

Jon: Whoa, whoa, whoa.... NEW master-at-arms? Alliser Thorne is the master-at-arms. What happened? Oh please say he died! Everyone hates that guy.

Mormont: No, I'm sending him to King's Landing with the hand of zombie Jafer Flowers to prove to the new king that the dead are rising. Alliser will show them how dire the situation is, and how much we need assistance and more men up here.

Jon: Oh SHIT! You mean in Season 7 I could have just sent the HAND of a zombie to Kings Landing rather than bring an entire zombie in a box? That makes so much more sense!

Raven: Stop talking about the TV show... I mean... ah... CORN!

Mormont: Huh? What are you talking about, boy?

Jon: Nevermind. Woo-hoo to getting rid of Thorne though.

Mormont: Yeah, whatever. Don't think I agree with all this shit you're pulling or think you can get out of being grounded for punching that dude in the face just because you saved my life.

Jon: But... but... but...

Mormont: Spare me your butts, boy. Do I look like Ser Mix a Lot to you? You're still my servant... now go fetch me some fucking dinner.

Jon goes to get Mormont his dinner. As he walks around, he tries to be all sly showing off his new sword. It's pretty obvious though.

Pyp: Jon! How's it going man?

Jon: Oh, me AND MY NEW SWORD are doing fine. Oh, DID MY NEW SWORD accidentally poke you?

Pyp: No, it didn't.

Jon: Oh, never mind then. By the way, did you notice that MY NEW SWORD is sweet-ass Valyrian steel?

Pyp: So Jeor Mormont gave that to you? As a gift?

Jon: Yeah.

Pyp: As a gift for what? You burned down half of his fucking tower.

Jon: Uh, yeah. I burned down his tower while killing a zombie. You're forgetting about the zombie killing part. Also, probably some spiders. I probably killed spiders.

Pyp: Which zombie did you kill again? The Othor one? So what did the Jafer Flowers zombie do?

Jon: Eh, he killed like four people before then killing Ser Jaremy Rykker.

Pyp: WHAT?! Ser Jaremy?! You mean the guy who became the First Ranger after your uncle went missing? The guy who was somewhat important in the last few chapters on the wall?

Jon: Yep. Don't bother remembering that name anymore. Another one of 10,000 characters you can forget. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fetch the Lord Commander's dinner.

Jon goes on and does all that.

Later he's back in his room with Ghost and is still really freaked out, thinking about the zombie and its dead blue eyes. He also thinks about his half-brother, Robb, fighting down in the Riverlands.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Hey! I see that pommel on your new sword. It's a white wolf. That's totally me! Fucking badass sword, man!]

There is a knock at the door and Sam lets himself in.

Jon: Hahaha, you wanna see my sword too?

Sam: Dude, I'm straight.

Jon: No, that wasn't a penis joke. I mean my new sword, Longclaw.

Sam: Oh. No. I grew up with my dad's stupid Valyrian steel sword hanging over the mantle at home. I know what it looks like and I don't give a shit. Aemon wants to see you.

Jon: Why does Aemon want to see me? You snitching on me, Sam? You tell him that I knew about my brother down in the Riverlands? Stitches to snitches!

Sam: Please, I didn't need to tell Aemon anything. Anyone could guess that you know since you're such a mopey bitch all the time and you got no poker face.

Jon goes to see Aemon. Clydas is there.

Clydas: YEE HAW!!! Good to see you, Jonny Boy! Hey! I'm fixin' to jump my orange 1969 Dodge Charger across the ol' crick. You wanna watch?

Jon: No.

Clydas: Ah. Well, also I'm helping the Maester out with the ravens.

Aemon: Get out of here, Clydas. I would like to speak with Jon alone.

Clydas: Ok, off to the Boar's Nest and hit on that cute waitress who works there! You know... the one with those tight, short, daisy duke jean shorts?

Jon: You mean Daisy Duke?

Clydas: YEP! That's the one!

Jon: Your cousin?

Clydas: YEP!

Jon: Oh right, because you're from Georgia. Never mind. Carry on.

Clydas leaves and no matter how much you like it or dislike it, every time Clydas and/or Chett appear... I am going to make jokes that they are the replacement cousins from Season 5 of Dukes of Hazzard. I know that this is the bottom-of-the-barrel with respect to my running jokes, but you're going to have to deal with it.

Jon: Gross. People who are sexually interested in their cousins is gross. The only thing I could think of that which would be more gross is being sexually attracted to your aunt.

Aemon: Get over here Jon and help me feed these ravens.

Jon: Is that why you summoned me here? So I could feed some damn ravens?

Aemon: Shut the fuck up and listen to me tell you a long allegory about choosing between duty and family.

Jon: Is this going to be boring?

Aemon: You know, you're not the only person who had to choose between duty and family. I've had to do that plenty of times. At least three that I can think of - once as a boy, once as a young man in my prime, and once as an old man.

Jon: Well, I'm sure it's nothing like my story. My brother is going off to war, and I have to--

Aemon: --YES, IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR STORY, DIPSHIT! That's why I'm telling it. It involves war. Let me tell you about the last time. I got word that my brother's grandson, Aerys II was killed. Brutally murdered by Jaime Lannister.

Jon: Hey, interesting! Jaime Lannister similarly murdered a king that was named Aerys II! What a coincidence. He must really like killing guys named Aerys II.

Aemon: Then, to follow that up was the news that his son, Rhaegar, was also murdered. And then Rhaegar's little children, just babies, Rhaenys and Aegon, were also murdered.  My whole family was being slaughtered. The last of my family! I wanted to help them. I wanted to be there for them. But I couldn't. I had already sworn my life to the Maesters of the Citadel and then later to Castle Black.

Jon: Wait, I'm super confused. Why do all your family members have the same last name as the Targar--OH SHIT, IT JUST HIT ME, YOU'RE A FUCKING TARGARYEN!!!!!!!!

Aemon: Yes. My father was Maekar, the First of His Name. My brother was Aegon V, aka Aegon the Unlikely.

Jon: Wow, with all these Targaryen revelations... this seems like the perfect time to segue into a Daenerys chapter!

AGoT 59: Catelyn IX

Cat is freaking the fuck out. Her son is marching south towards the Twins and war. Her husband is a prisoner in Kings Landing. Her brother, Edmund, is battling the Lannister forces near Riverrun. Her father, Hoster, is sick and dying. One of her daughters is a prisoner and she doesn't have a fucking clue where her other daughter is. And she's got a crippled son and a baby back in Winterfell. Her life is absolute shit and everything is going wrong.

The Blackfish has been riding out and scouting. He sends a letter that Walder Frey has assembled his men at the Twins rather than sending them south to Riverrun.

Robb: Oh, Lord Frey must be simply waiting for my army to arrive. Then he will join our forces and we'll march south together.

Cat: You're a pretty dumb dumbass sometimes, son. If you expect nothing from Frey then you will never be disappointed, because that's usually what he delivers. Jack shit. Plus he was always super friendly with the Lannisters.

They make camp and Theon shows up. The Blackfish has another letter. Theon delivers it.

Theon: Wow man, this guy is just writing letters left and right! Here you go.

Cat: Shut up, Theon. Nobody likes you.

The letter says that a bunch of Lannister scouts have been killed and captured by Blackfish because he's FUCKING BOSS. Now they are retreating South.

Theon: With the Lannisters retreating, they'll never figure out the plan we have to split our forces.

Cat: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Frey could still snitch on us and tell the Lannisters. Send orders to make sure any raven sent from the Twins is shot down by bowmen.

Theon: That order has already been given. But really because I fucking hate birds. Those things are disgusting. They shit everywhere and--

Cat: --Didn't I say shut up earlier, Theon? Now son, the only way across the Green Fork north of the Ruby ridge is the bridge at the Twins. Lord Frey must be on our side!

Theon: Well, if he isn't... we can simply storm the Twins and take it for ourselves!

Cat: DAMN, YOU ARE THE WORST ADVISOR EVER, THEON! I'm talking to my son, not to you. Don't listen to him, Robb. Listen to mommy dearest. We don't have the time to fight our own bannermen. Besides, if we laid siege to the Twins then Tywin Lannister's forces would come up and attack us from the rear.

Robb: *giggle*

Cat: Shh! Stop being such a child, Robb. You need to grow up and make a decision on what to do... now!

Robb: Well, what would dad do?

Cat: Ned would find a way to cross the river... no matter what. Then he'd cheat on the river and have a bastard son with some hussy from the south and bring home fucking Jon Snow.

Robb looses his collar, as mom's having one of her moods again. 

Then, Blackfish, tired of simply sending letters, rides up and arrives himself.

Blackfish: Hey there! Sorry, the post service is so slow and I figured if I needed to get news to you then coming myself is the best way. Plus I was out of stamps and it was past 5PM, so the post office was closed anyway so I couldn't buy more stamps.

Robb: Just go on and tell us the story rather than talking about damn stamps.

Blackfish: Ah, yes. Edmure's forces have been defeated and he's been captured. Some of his men escaped and are holding their ground at Riverrun. Lord Frey has also pulled back all of his men into his castle rather than the lands around it.

Robb: GRRR! That fucking Frey! I say we attack Frey's stupid castle and knock the fucking walls down!

Cat: Well now you sound like a sulking boy, Robb. The Frey's have controlled that crossing for 600 years and they always make people to pay the toll to cross.

Robb: Wait... we just have to pay a toll? Why didn't anyone just say that in the first place? We have plenty of coins.

Cat: No, it's really more of a metaphorical toll. You have to pay with SOMETHING, not specifically money.

Robb: What do you mean? Like... butt stuff?

Cat: No, no, no! I mean... maybe... No! Probably not.

Robb: Well what the fuck is it that Frey wants?

Cat: The only way to find that out... is to go to him and ask!

Robb: Okay then.

So they go to the Twins.

Cat: Hey there, Walder Frey!

The frail, 90-year old Frey sits there in his castle, surrounded by his giant family of a million dudes all named "Walder." It's like everyone hopes that if they name their kid "Walder" he'll like them the most and get all the inheritance when old man Walder dies. Which will hopefully be any day now.

Cat: So... uhh... Why didn't you join my brother in battle? Also, why aren't your gates open to let my son cross? I want to try to be polite about this shit, but you're sworn to House Tully.

Frey sends all of his sycophant descendants away so they can talk alone.

Frey:  Okay, so first off bitch... I was still gathering my strength before your dumb brother Edmund went and got himself captured. Second, in addition to being sworn to House Tully I'm also sworn to the King. You seem to be rebelling against the King right now, making you a bunch of fucking traitors. You can see how this puts me in a bit of a spot, right? Right?

Cat: You're so fucked up.

Frey: Fuck you and fuck the Tullys. I don't give a shit. All you Tullys look down on us Freys like we're shit. You can all eat a bag of dicks. And don't think that means I love the Lannisters either. They are a bunch of rich assholes that treat me like shit too. Arrogant twats. If they want me to side with them, then they can come before me and fucking ask.

Cat: Asking is exactly what I'm is doing. As is my father, my brother, my son, my husband, etc. I'm speaking on behalf of them all. We need your help.

Frey: You're fucking right you do. But why help people who insult me? Your father hasn't even showed up to the last four weddings I hosted here! What the fuck? Didn't even return the RSVPs with a, "Sorry" or anything.

Cat: Yeah, well, he's terminally ill and on his deathbed. So I don't think going to weddings or replying to your fucking Paperless Post cards is at the top of his priority list.

Frey: Well it damn well SHOULD BE!  Plus there is the shit with your sister. I wanted some of my kids to be fostered with the Arryns. And for their boy to be fostered here. But no again. They wanted him to go to Tywin.

Cat: Wait... I thought the kid was supposed to be fostered with Stannis, not Tywin.

Frey: BITCH, I'M NOT THAT SENILE! I know the difference between Tywin and Stannis. Stannis is the one that likes scat play. So are we getting to haggling now or what?

Cat: Yes. Let's haggle. Just what do we have to give you in order to let Robb's army cross? Maybe even have some of your forces join us and march?

Frey: Well make me a first offer. I want to hear it.

Cat: Okay, we'll give you the island of Manhattan in order to let Robb cross. But you also have to give us $24 worth of beads.

Frey: Hahaha, you're crazy. Nobody wants shitty Manhattan. I want a MINT CONDITION Honus Wagner T206 baseball card, the Hope Diamond, a yacht that's big enough to land a helicopter on, at least one of those big ass stones from Stonehenge, every single Elgin Marble from the Parthenon that has a girl with an exposed titty on it, an agreement that your son will marry one of my daughters, and at least one painting by Leonardo. It doesn't have to be the Mona Lisa or anything... but it has to be a Leonardo. By Leonardo himself. I don't want any "Usually Attributed to Leonardo" or "From the Workshop of Leonardo" bullshit that was done by one of his studio apprentices. This shit needs to be certified.

Cat: No fucking way. I counter you with an offer of...

And so it goes on. For a few hours. Offer. Counter offer. Counter to the counter. Counter to that. And so on.

Finally, Cat leaves the catsle and goes out to join her son's army.

Robb: So... did we make a deal? What do we need to do in order to let my army pass?

Cat: Yes, we made a deal. You will be granted the crossing and all but 400 of Lord Frey’s forces will join you. In exchange, two of Lord Walder’s grandsons will be fostered at Winterfell, Olyvar Frey will become your squire, Arya will marry Walder’s youngest son Elmar, and you will marry your choice of Lord Walder’s daughters when the fighting is done. Also, we owe him a Honus Wagner T206 card, but I talked him down to a "fair" condition card, rather than "mint."

Robb: THAT IS A TERRIBLE FUCKING DEAL!

Cat: Yeah, I'm kind of a bad negotiator. I also agreed to leave 400 of our men with him. That's not a bad thing though... it will help to assure he stays loyal and doesn't double-cross us.

Robb and his army cross the river that evening. Roose Bolton's men stay on the other side of the River and ride south to Tywin.