ACoK 51: Jon VI

Qhorin Halfhand and his party, which includes a guy named “Jon Snow” (that might or might not be an important character) move through the Skirling Pass.

Jon Snow: Oh shit, hey look! A fire. Way up there on that mountain top thingie!

Qhorin: Those must be Mance Rayder’s scouts. I need two of you to go up and kill them.

Stonesnake: Dibs! Me!

Jon: Oh! Oh! Me too!

Qhorin: Okay Snow, you can go. But you have to leave that wolf behind.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Aww, I want to be part of the killing!]

And so Jon and Stonesnake climb up a dangerous and precarious cliff. They can’t go up there with horses or anything. They have to go up by hand. Just pretend it’s like scaling Mount Everest or something. Very dangerous.

Stonesnake: I think I see Greenboots over there!

Jon: Huh?

Stonesnake: Never mind. Everest joke. Google it.

Jon: Oh, okay.

And so they climb the cliffs. They have to use their bare hands, because with gloves they won’t have a good grip. Climbing with their bare hands up this jagged rock is really treacherous. For one, their hands are freezing cold. The rocks also cut Jon’s hands up pretty bad and he starts bleeding. And Jon’s hands aren’t in that great condition anyway. Remember that whole burning his hand thing? Yeah. He’s still dealing with that. Jon wishes he was as good a climber as his cousin, Bran.

Jon: Wait, Mr. Narraotor… why did you say “cousin?” Bran is my brother. Or my half-brother, at least.

Oh yeah, right. “Brother.” Sure. Because you’re Ned Stark’s “son.”

Jon: Right.

Stonesnake: This mountain is your mother.

Jon: The Mountain is my mother? Gregor Clegane is my mom? That's the craziest theory I've ever heard.

Stonesnake: No. This mountain. It's like a metaphor.

Jon: I'm confused. I thought my mom was supposed to be some ho from the south that my dad met.

Stonesnake: Never mind. This made more sense in the context of the book. Let's move on.

So anyway, Stonesnake helps lead Jon up a path, and they make it to the top. It’s the middle of the night and there they see three Wildlings.

Jon: [whispering] Shit. Three? I thought it was supposed to be two!

Stonesnake: Yeah, and one of them has a horn. If they blow that horn and warn Mance’s main army, we’re all done for. So somehow, we need to be able to kill these three Wildlings with just the two of us… in quick enough time to make sure that one with the horn doesn’t blow it first.

Jon: Okay, but that one there with the red hair is asleep on the ground. So maybe we’ll be in luck.

Stonesnake: Yeah. Since I’m the more experienced fighter, I’ll go for the one with the horn. You get that other one there by the camp fire. Then go for the third sleeping one after. 

Jon nods, and they go into action.

Stonesnake jumps at the guy with the horn and there is a bit of a struggle. But he takes him out successfully.  Jon also kills the second one just as the third one starts to wake up with the noise.

Jon grabs the third one and puts his knife to the Wildling’s neck. Just as he is about to slit the neck…

Jon: --Wait… are those boobs?

Wildling: Uh… yeah. I’m a girl.

Jon: Oh man. I was not prepared for this.

Stonesnake: KILL HER!

Jon: Kill a girl? No way! I’ve never killed a girl before. Will you yield?

Wildling: What? Will I yield as opposed to having my neck sliced open? Sure. I yield.

Jon: Sweet!

Stonesnake: The Halfhand didn’t say anything about taking prisoners! She’s a spearwife. She’ll gut you the first chance she gets. Kill her now!

Jon: No way. She yielded. Plus she kind of reminds me of my sister, Arya. Except, you know, she has a different height, weight, hair color, and facial bone structure. But other than that, she’s a lot like my sister.

Stonesnake: So? Who cares if she yielded? You can kill someone after they yielded. Didn’t you read any of those Arya chapters with the Lannister-allied forces killing yielding people?

Jon: Lannisters are bad guys! I’m a good guy.  So tell me, Ginger Wildling Girl, what’s your name?

Wildling: Ygritte.

Jon: Oh, that’s a really cool name. You seem like a cool girl. And kind of hot. Maybe we’ll develop a sexual relationship with one another despite my vows as a brother of the Night's Watch to never be with a woman.

Ygritte: That’s a really odd thing to say after you just said that I reminded you of your sister, but okay. Whatever it takes to leave here with my neck still attached to my head. So what’s your name?

Jon: Jon Snow.

Ygritte: Ugh. “Snow?” Isn’t that an evil name or something?

Jon: No! It’s not evil. It’s a bastard’s name. When nobility have bastard children, they’re called “Snow.” My father is Ned Stark.

Ygritte: Oh great. A damn STARK. It’s not like you’re the arch enemies of us Wildlings or anything. OH WAIT. YOU ARE.

Jon: *shrugs*

Ygritte: I’d recommend you burn the bodies of my two dead colleagues here, if you know what I mean.

Jon: Yeah. Dead rising from their graves and everything. I’m aware. Sounds like a good idea.

Stonesnake: NO! No fires! Mance will see them. Let’s just roll their bodies off the side of the cliff here. The bodies will get torn up along the way and probably eaten by Shadowcats.

Jon: COOL! SHADOWCATS! It’s been a while since we had a nice Shadowcat reference.

And so they grab the bodies of Ygritte’s two fellow Wildlings and throw them off the cliff.
Jon: So, sorry about that. Murdering your friends and all.

Ygritte: Meh. They weren’t really my friends any more than you two are.

Jon: I’m confused. Maybe if you tell me a story it will help me out and provide context.

Ygritte: Okay, sure. Once a long time ago there was a King-Beyond-the-Wall named "Bael." He was enemies with King Brandon the Daughterless.  Bael posed as a bard and got invited to Winterfell, where he performed so well that King Brandon granted him any favor that he requested. Bael requested a winter rose – the rarest and most beautiful blue flower in the north. Brandon agreed. But what Brandon didn’t realize was that the beautiful flower was just, like, a metaphor for his daughter’s vagina. So the next day, Bael and Brandon’s daughter vanished, with the winter rose being left in her place. Brandon sent out men everywhere to find his daughter, but he wasn’t able to.  A year later, Bael returned her back to Winterfell except now she also had a baby because he knocked her up. But Brandon didn’t have any sons, so by default that Wildling son of Bael with Brandon’s daughter was the heir and became the next Lord Stark after Brandon died. So, really, the Wildlings and Starks are all related and we’re the same extended family.

Jon: Bullshit.

Ygritte: *shrug* Yeah. Probably. Aren’t all the old stories bullshit though?

Jon: I’ve never even heard of "Brandon the Daughterless." That’s not even a real Brandon. And how is he Daughterless if he has a Daughter in the story?

Ygritte: Oh yeah, right. There is a second half to the story. So anyway, thirty years after all of this… Bael was still King Beyond the Wall and led his free folk south. He met the Starks at a battle at the Frozen Ford but refused to kill Lord Stark. Why? Because this Lord Stark was his own son.  So instead the son killed the father.  But you know how the gods hate kinslayers, right? King Stark returned form the battle with Bael’s head on a spear. But King Stark’s mom saw the head and immediately recognized it as Bael – her lover and her son’s father. She was so stricken with grief that she threw herself off a tower and died. And the son didn’t last much longer than the mother. One of his lords rebelled against him and peeled his skin off to wear as a cloak.

Jon: Again, this story sounds implausible.

Stonesnake: Hrm. I dunno. It’s not like GRRM inserts these types of long, narrative stories about history for no reason. They all seem to pay off somehow. I’m picking up two major themes from this story: first and most obvious is that the Wildlings and the Starks have more in common than they have apart. We northerners like to think ourselves different, but in the end we’re really mainly the same.  And the second theme I’d pick up on is about that being skinned alive and worn as a cloak thing. You know how the flayed man is the symbol of the House Bolton, right?

Jon: Sure.

Stonesnake: Maybe that means we can’t trust the Boltons or something like hat.

Jon: Eh, no way! You’re reading waaaaay too much into this. It’s just a story.

The next morning, Halfhand and the rest of the party arrive. Ghost is among them.

Qhorin: WHAT THE  HELL?! A prisoner?! I didn’t say anything about prisoners!

Jon: Sorry. She yielded.

Ghost jumps up and affectionately licks Jon’s face.

Ygritte: What the hell? He’s friends with a direwolf? That’s CRAZY!

Qhorin: Sorry Jon, I know you found yourself a hot ginger girl. But you know what needs to be done. We’ll leave you alone with her. Go ahead and do it.

Jon: Wait… so are we talking about me killing her or having sex with her?

Qhorin: I SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.”

Jon: *sigh* Okay.

And so Jon marches Ygritte off to the side of the mountain to do the killing deed.

Ygritte: You sure you don’t want to join the Free Folk? You seem like you’d be better with the Free Folk than with these stupid Southerners.

Jon: Southerners? What the hell are you talking about? We’re Northerners.

Ygritte: Well, you’re south of where I’m from. So you’re Southerners.

Jon: Fair enough.

Jon pulls out his sword.

Ygritte: *sigh* Just make it quick. Cut cleanly.

Jon raises his sword. Then he puts it down.

Jon: Go.

Ygritte: Wait… what?

Jon: I said, “GO!” Do it before I change my mind!

Ygritte: So you’re not going to kill me?

Jon: No, now LEAVE!

Ygritte: I mean we could do the sex thing instead if you want.

Jon: Nah, I’m pretty sure you’d stab me in the middle of it. NOW GIT!

She runs away.

Jon: Well, what are the chances I’ll ever see her again? Probably slim to none, right?

ACoK 50: Theon IV

Theon has been having nightmares. He wakes up and notices that the direwolves are pretty quiet.

Theon: Hey! The direwolves and pretty quiet!

See?

Theon: Wex, Urzen… go check on the direwolves.

They go to check on the direwolves.  Then they come back. Wex and Urzen, I mean. Not the direwolves.

Urzen: Uh, yeah. They’re gone.

Wex: [says noting because he’s mute… remember? This character trait was built it solely for the “Theon tries to fuck his sister” joke, and now you have to put up with]

Theon: WHAT?! GONE?!

Urzen: Yeah. Oh, and since they were gone… we also went to go check on the Stark boys too. They’re gone as well. And some of our men at the Hunter’s Gate are dead.

Theon: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Okay. Someone has to know where they went. Have the entire castle woken up and brought to the courtyard. I can’t believe these dicks have repaid my kindness and gentleness with this treachery.

Urzen: You’re referring to the kindness and gentleness of you betraying them despite the fact that they raised you from a boy in order to have your men kill and rape several of them and take over their castle?

Theon: What? NO! I’m a great leader! And I look down on the raping and killing. Why I had several of my own men whipped and punished for raping and killing.

Urzen: Not for killing Septon Chayle though.

Theon: Oh yeah. Right.

FLASHBACK!!!

Theon: Well Septon Chayle, it’s sort of an Ironborn tradition to sacrifice someone to the Drowned God as soon as we take a city.

Septon Chayle: What the fuck, man? Why does it have to be me? I’m the librarian.

Theon: No hard feelings. It’s not personal. It’s just that you sort of represent the religion of the seven and stuff. So it’s especially fitting if we execute you to our god. You know. Also, you annoy me with all that shit about library books being due.

Chayle: YOU STILL HAVE SEVERAL BOOKS, DUE! THEON! RETURN THOSE BOOKS BEFORE YOU—

Theon kicks Septon Chayle over and tosses him down the well. He drowns.

Chayle: *glug*glug*LIBRARY BOOKS*glug*

The end of Septon Chayle. RIP.

Theon: Look, okay. Yeah. I murdered Septon Chayle. Whatever. Just Shut up and just gather everyone like I said. Oh, and also send word to my sister at Deepwood Motte that we need some assistance to help us secure the castle.

Urzen: Okay, I'll go and run to your sister to tell her you need help.

Theon: Huh? NO! Don't phrase it like that!

And so, as his men go to gather all the residents of Winterfell in the courtyard, Theon goes to investigate the dead men at the Hunter’s Gate.

Theon: Hrm. Gross. Look at this guy’s entrails all cut out and spilled all over the place. These guts look like a bunch of pale snakes. And it looks like this other guard was killed mid-coitus. Which means a woman was involved in his murder! So while I may have betrayed Ned Stark’s legacy,  I still have his special CSI skills that he taught me. So I’ll use those deductive powers to divine that it was actually OSHA who killed him! Yes, Osha. I should have known to kill that Wildling bitch rather than let her live. And saying "Osha" reminds me of Asha, my sister. I hate her too! Oh… wow… is this the chapter that the show runners of Game of Thrones read when they decided to change Asha’s name to Yara? Because I somewhat explicitly point out here how similar their names are. I guess when they read this they were like, “Oh hey. Those do sound similar. It might confuse fans. Let’s change one of their names.”

Random Iron Isles Guy: Uhh… Theon… are you narrating aloud on purpose or is this supposed to all be thoughts in your head? Because you sound like a crazy guy now.

Theon: SILENCE! Now to go to the courtyard and interrogate the castle folk.

Theon goes to the courtyard, where all the men and women of Wniterfell are assembled. "Reek" is there too.

Theon: Okay, someone here spill the beans or I’ll have to start killing people.

"Reek:" Prince Greyjoy! Those bog people are gone too. That pot smoker Jojen and his sister, Meera. They must be involved in the disappearance of the Stark boys. No horses were taken though. Oh yeah, and Hodor’s also one. Figured he was worth mentioning.

Theon: Ah! Then they are on foot. That’s good. Easier to catch. Now townspeople, tell me where they went!

Townspeople: Nah.

Reek: You know, I used to work for Ramsay Snow, son of Lord Bolton. I’m not him though.

Theon: I never said you were him.

Reek: Yeah, yeah. Sure. But let’s just hypothetically say I WAS him though.

Theon: Well, you’re not. You’re Reek.

Reek: Right, of course. But just some role-playing here… pretend I am Ramsay Snow. If I were him, then I would tell you that you should flay these townspeople the way the Boltons flayed their prisoners in the old days. Tear their skins off and crucify them upsidedown.

Theon: Creepy. I’m not sure I like this role-playing thing you’re doing, Reek, who is totally not just Ramsay Snow in disguise.

Reek: Oh come on, it’s fun. You try it!

Theon: Like how? You want me to pretend to be you or something?

Reek: Hrm. Not a bad idea. Theon as the next Reek. Hrmmmmmmmm.

“Reek” writes that down in his notebook.

Theon: ANYWAY… I’m going to conscript a bunch of you to be huntsman with me. Let’s get those dogs and go off to the woods, looking for those Stark boys! Maester Luwin, you join us too.

Luwin: What? Why?

Theon: *shrugs*

Kid Noise: I WANT TO JOIN TOO!

Theon: Who the hell are you?

Little Walder Frey: Hey, I’m one of the two Frey kids. You know, Walder and Walder. I’m the fat one and I hate the Starks. I want to help hunt them too.

Theon: Sure, whatever. I’ll take what I can get.

And so Theon and company go off hunting for the Stark kids. Their dogs follow the scent of the wolves north.

Theon: Haha! These dogs are catching up to them. We’ll have them soon!

Luwin: Theon, I implore you to have mercy on the boys. You know how important they will be as hostages, right? And the Reed kids as well. They’re worth much more alive than dead.

Theon: Hrm, good points. I’ll spare them if I can. And that Hodor guy, because I love his eloquent speaking skills so much. But that Osha girl… I’ll have no mercy on her! Because she reminds me of my sister who I have really messed up feelings and emotions about.

Luwin: Yes, and you’re generally a misogynist and asshole.

Theon: Correct.

And so they continue to follow the smell train of the wolves when they hit a river. But then the scent diverges to a path that he knows the boys couldn’t have gone. But the wolves could have.

Theon: DAMNIT! The wolves obviously separated from the kids at some point. We’ve been following the wrong trail. Plus it seems like the wolves might have doubled back somewhere. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!

Theon orders his men to go backwards. They search and search and search. And find nothing.

Little Walder: You know, those nasty frog eaters have magic. They’re probably using that magic to hide.

Theon: Shut up you fat little bitch, nobody believes that.

Luwin: Actually, Theon. He’s fairly close to the truth These crannogmen have a deep connection to nature. It’s said they are related to the children of the forest. They likely have secret knowledge that could help them evade us.

Theon: FUUUUUUUCK AGAIN! It’s almost nightfall. If I go back to Winterfell without those boys, I’ll be a laughing stock! I need to find them.

Reek: Oh Theon, Prince Theon! I bet I know where those kids are hiding. At the old mill by the Acorn Water. You know, where that Miller and his wife live with their two kids.

Theon: Oh right. I once banged that Miller’s wife when the Miller was away. She’s sort of hot. Why would you think that Bran and Rickon are at the Acorn Water?

Reek: *ahem*… You know. Those two boys. Who are, coincidentally, about the same age as Bran and Rickon.

Theon: Right. I know the Miller and his wife have two kids. What does that have to do with the Stark kids?

Reek: *sigh* Check this out!

Reek shows Theon something he’s been hiding in his bag – a wolfshead brooch, an article of clothes that the Stark boys often wear.

Theon: So? You have one of their brooches. Big deal.

Reek: Oh man, Theon. You’re a bit slow. TWO KIDS. THE SAME AGES AS BRAN AND RICKON. And we know exactly where those two boys are.

Theon: Still not following.

Reek: See, this is why everybody hates you, Theon.

ACoK 49: Tyrion X

Tyrion: Sorry Macho, it’s been real. But it’s time for your recurring joke character to leave.

Macho Man: OOOHHH YEAH. NO WAIT. THE MA-CHO MAN MEANS “OH NO!” WHAT YOU DOING, HALF-MAN?

Tyrion: Well, that whole “Tyrion has Vale Clansmen following him around” plot was good for a hot minute. But now I’ve got to send the rest of you off to terrorize and raid Stannis’s forces. That’s just how it’s got to be.

Macho Man: BUT THAT WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NOBODY TO PROTECT YOU EXCEPT FOR BRONN AND HIS SELLSWORDS.

Tyrion: True. Whose loyalty will turn instantly if we lose. And I also have the totally unreliable City Watch as well. I get that it sucks. I’m not happy about it either. But that’s just how the story goes because GRRM has straight up run out of ideas for what to do with you guys.

Macho Man: GOODBYE LITTLE HORNSWAGGLE!

Macho Man then ascends to heaven.

Tyrion: Weird. Now… moving on…

Someone throws a fish at Tyrion.

Tyrion: Gross. Anyway, Bronn. Burn this entire slum down.

Bronn: That’s a pretty harsh reaction to a person throwing a fish at you.

Tyrion: No, not as revenge for the fish. I don’t care about the fish. But all these shanty houses along the quay will make it easier for Stannis’s men to climb the walls when they attack. If we destroy the houses… we harm Stannis’s chances of a successful invasion.

And a successful invasion of a city is on Tyrion’s mind right now. He just got word about the fall of Winterfell to that lame-ass Greyjoy kid.
Tyrion: Man, I’m kind of torn here. On one hand, I thought those Starks were pretty cool people and it’s totally odd that they don’t control Winterfell anymore. But on the other hand, we’re kind of at war with them. And the fall of Winterfell will mean that Robb Stark will have to turn his forces around to take back his home rather than fight us.

Later, back at the Red Keep, Tyrion has to attend a boring-ass ceremony where the (new, non-murdered) High Septon and Joffrey make Osmond Kettleblack and Balon Swann the newest members of the Kingsguard.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, right. Because Preston Greenfield got beaten to death. And Boros Blount… well… that punk ass totally ran like a scared little bitch when I had Jacelyn Bywater take Tommen captive to protect him. Cersei didn’t like that, and so she had Blount put in the dungeons. Which is cool with me because Blount is awful.  This Swann guy seems like he might be good. But Kettleblack? What a waste of space. He’s the worst. I guess the only good thing about him is that he sells everyone out that he works with. And so, like with Lancel, he’s a double agent working for myself in addition to Cersei and she doesn’t know it.

After the ceremony is done, Tyrion goes up to then new High Septon.

Tyrion: Hey, you should tell everybody that Stannis plans to burn the Great Sept of Baelor if he takes the city.

High Septon: WHAT?! Is that true? Where did you get your intel from?

Tyrion: Hey man. It might be true, it might not. So far everywhere he’s been he’s burned the septs to the seven as well as the godswoods. He’d probably do it here too. All for that red god of his. The people here really like their gods, so telling them Stannis plans to do this will keep them on our side. You do want them on our side, right? Rather than turning on us and killing us like the mob did to the last High Septon, right?

High Septon: Ah. Got it. So I’ll tell everyone.

Next Tyrion moves on to other business. He gets a letter from Balon Greyjoy, offering an alliance in return for giving up the North to him.

Tyrion: Nah.

And after that, Tyrion meets with Hallyne the Pyromancer from the Alchemists’ Guild.

Tyrion: So how is that wildfire going, huh? You guys got enough of it yet?

Hallyne: Ah, erm… yeah. About that, Lord Hand. You see… we actually are way AHEAD of schedule.

Tyrion: Well then tell your men to speed up the—wait… whaaaaaaaaaaat? Did you say AHEAD of schedule?

Hallyne: Yes. We found some extra stockpiles laying around. So that was good. But more importantly, the magic spells we are using to make the wildfire are simply working better now than they ever did before.

Tyrion: Magic spells? You’re just trying to sound fancy, aren’t you? Your men are simply more practiced at making the wildfire now, so they’re getting better at it.

Hallyne: Ahm, maybe. Perhaps a little. But something is different now. Our secret spells have never been this potent before. The only reason I can logically think of why this is so, is if dragons have come back to the world. Old Wisdom Pollitor theorizes that the magic in the world started to die out when the last dragon died. But if dragons are back… well… You don’t suppose there are any dragons about, do you?

Tyrion: Highly unlikely. Okay. NEXT!

Tyrion’s rotating door of visitors keeps on going. Next up is Jacelyn Bywater.

Jacelyn: Lord Hand, Prince Tommen is safe and doing well in Rosby.  If the city is to fall, I have plans to move Tommen somewhere else even safer.

Tyrion: Really? Where?

Jacelyn: You told me to tell you nothing of those plans before, Ser.

Tyrion: Yeah, well. I changed my mind.  Where will Tommen be taken if Kings Landing falls?

Jacelyn: No, Lord Hand. I will not tell you. Is this some sort of test?

Tyrion: HAH! See… you’re going places, Jacelyn. Good job. Yes, it was a test. And you passed. Okay. NEXTTTTT!!!!

Varys: Next is me!

Tyrion: Oh. You’re not disguised as some shit this time, Varys? You’re just being yourself.

Varys: Yes.

Tyrion: What you got for me?

Varys: There is a group of merchant conspirators going around and calling themselves “the Antler Men” in support of the stag of House Baratheon and Stannis. Master Armorer Sallorean is part of the conspiracy. They plan to seize the old gate and let the enemy into the city.

Tyrion: What kind of treacherous assholes would open the gates of the city to their enemies and let them take it?

Varys: …

Tyrion: Hahaha, come on, Varys! Lighten up. I’m kidding with you. I know that’s EXACTLY what the Lannisters did in Robert’s Rebellion. Anyway. I guess round up the usual suspects and arrest them. I’ll write the order. I don’t like that Sallorean guy anyway. Remember he was the guy who annoyed me about how he was too good to work on my chain? Fuck that guy.

ACoK 48: Daenerys IV, Part 2

And now, the epic conclusion! Dany continues to wander through the House of Undying, seeing strange visions. Are they real? Or are they result of a gallon of PCP that a dwarf made her drink before entering the room?

Dany: I bet it's the PCP.

Yeah. Probabaly. 

ANYWAY... Dany has just confronted a false vision of the warlock, Pyat Pree, who tried to lead her the wrong way. But she didn't fall for that and instead turned to the right. The fake Pree crumbled to dust and died. There. Enough recap for you?

Dany now goes up a flight of stairs and then through the next door on the right. There, she finds a bunch of warlocks wearing beautiful, beautiful clothes. Robes. Velvet. Armor studded with gemstones. Tall, pointed hats with stars on them.

Dany: Tall, pointed hats with stars on them? Wait... you mean like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia?

Warlock: Come, Dany. Come and share our food with us forever. It's from Whole Foods.

Lady Warlock: Yes, come. And look at my perfect breast, hanging out of my shirt. 

Dany: Ah, yeah. It was unnecessary to mention that. Trust me, I noticed. You thirst AF for attention.

King Warlock: We knew you were coming. For it was prophesied a thousand years ago!

Warrior Warlock: We have great knowledge to share with you. And magical weapons. Magical weapons are pretty cool, right? Just come through this door on the left with us and you can see them.

Dany: Sure, sounds legit.

Drogon then jumps off of Dany's shoulder and starts biting at a door. He squawks a few times.

Handsome Warlock: Want to know what he's saying? I can teach you the dragon language!

But Drogon turns around and gives Dany that universal "Nah, girl" head shake. 

Dany: OH SHIT! You're right, Drogon. That was another trick! I may not know the Dragon language, but I know Dragon sass when I see it! I'll go through this door on the right, instead. They were trying to hide this one to the right behind a Japanese Byōbu folding screen.

She goes to the right.  There she finds a stone table. A rotting human heart floats above it in the air. A number of 7'1" tall shadows then emerge and begin to talk.

Dany: Yikes. This is the craziest thing yet. This is a full-on Frida Kahlo painting now.

Shadows: Mother of Dragons, we are the shape of shadows. We are the morrows not made. Place the cool icyness on you. Place the warm hotness on you. Icy Hot.

Dany: Waaait a minute... are you just Shaq again?

Shaqdows:  Uhh... no. Of course we are not not. Mother of dragons. Child of three.

Dany: Wait... whut? Child of three? There goes that "three" shit again. I'm actually the youngest child of SEVEN. My dad and mom did it a lot. Some of it was rape. There is Rhaegar, of course. Then Shaena (stillborn), Daeron (lived a year and a half), Aegon (lived less than a year), Jaehaerys (ditto), Viserys (you remember him, my husband melted his face with gold), and then me. So does the three refer to Rhaehar, Viserys and me? You know... the ones that lived until adulthood?

We'll give Dany a pass on this one. She's not an adult yet, even though she's been raped, married, pregant, had a stillborn child, and been widowed. But it's been a rough Teen Mom childhood for her.

Shaqdows: Three heads has the dragon. Mother of Dragons. Child of Storm.

Dany: From X-Men?

Shaqdows: Three fires must you light... one for life, one for death, and one to love. Three mounts must you ride... one to bed, one to dread, and one to love. Three treasons will you know... one for blood,  one for gold, and one for love.

Dany: Yikes. There is a lot to decompress in that, huh? Let me try to figure all those riddles out. Okay. The fires one is straight forward enough. I lit that pyre. It was only one pyre, but I think it counts as all three. The life part is the life it gave to my dragons. The death part is the death of Miri Maaz Duur. And then the love part is for my husband, Drogo.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Yeah, solid theories.]

Dany: Next is the mounts I must ride. I'm going to guess that that's probably supposed to be taken sexually, huh? Like three people I either have or am going to copulate with? Since I've only been with one man so far, I'm not sure how to take that. Or maybe the riding could literally refer to riding animals. Like that horse of mine. Or one of these Dragons that I'll ride when I get bigger.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Hrmm, probably not enough information at this point. We'll have to come back and address this one later.]

Dany: And last... the three treasons. The blood one is definitely Miri Maaz Duur again, because that bitch betrayed me with blood magic. But the gold and love betrayals? I don't know anything about those!

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Come on Mommy, figure it out! The gold one is obviously Jorah!]

Dany: Oh, Drogon! Your baby roars are so cute. I wish I could understand what you were saying.

Suddenly then, Viserys appears before her. It's actually Viserys this time. Not Rhaegar. Molten gold flows down his face, which melts off.

Dany: AGH! That's super creepy to see again.

A tall lord with copper skin and silver-gold hair stands beneath the banner of a fiery stallion, with a city burning behind him.

Dany: Well that one is my son, if he had lived and grown up. What a handsome man!

Rubies then fly like drops of blood from the chest of a dying prince, and he sinks to his knees in the water. With his dying breath, he begins to murmur the name of the woman he loves.

Dany: Oh! Rubies falling from a chest! That's Rhaegar again! At the Ruby Ford when the usurper, Robert, smashed him in the chest with his war hammer. That's probably the EASIEST vision yet! And the name he's going to say is clearly his wife, Eli--

Rhaegar: --Lyanna!

Dany: Ah. That was unexpected. 

Glowing like sunset, a red sword is raised in the hand of a blue-eyed king who casts no shadow.

Dany: Stannis.

A cloth dragon sways on poles amidst a cheering crowd.

Dany: Probably Faegon/Young Griff. We'll have to wait a few books to find out for sure.

From a smoking tower, a great stone beast awakens and spreads its wings and breaths fire.

Dany: Oh cool! Is Dragonstone actually made out of Dragons or something? Let's see if Melisandre looks into that theory further.

A corpse stands at the prow of a ship, eyes bright in his dead face, and his grey lips smiling sadly.

Dany: Probably Jon Connington. Same as Faegon above though. To be determined.

A blue flower grows from a chink in a wall of ice, and fills the air with sweetness.

Dany: Lyanna again.

Shadows whirl and danced inside a tent, boneless and terrible.

Dany: Miri Maaz Duur's blood magic.

A little girl runs barefoot toward a big house with a red door.

Dany: Me as a kid in Braavos back in the Willem Darry days. As explained earlier this chapter. Are these supposed to be getting easier?

Mirri Maz Duur shrieks in the flames, and a dragon bursts out from her brow.

Dany: Do I need to explain this one? The pyre. Mirri dies. My dragons are born. Duh.

Behind a silver horse, the bloody corpse of a naked man bounces.

Dany: That wine seller who tried to poison me. That's what Drogo did to him.

A white lion runs through the grass, taller than a man.

Dany: Well, if we're being literal... that lion that Drogo killed for me to give me his pelt. Or if we're being symbolic... something to do with a Lannister? Tyrion? I dunno. But Tyrion is shorter than a man, rather than taller. Tough one.

Beneath the Mother of Mountains, a line of naked crones creeps up from a great lake and kneel shivering before her.

Dany: The Dosh Khaleen. But that didn't happen when I last met them. So maybe in the future?

Ten thousand slaves lift their hands up and cheer for her, crying out, "Mother!"

Dany: Yunkai. Also future.

The shadows and visions then turn darker, and begin to pull Dany in. They attack her. But Dany is transfixed and she can't do anything.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Okay, enough of this vision shit. I'm done.]

Drogon takes a deep breath and then opens his mouth. FUCKING FIRE COMES OUT, PEOPLE. FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He burns the rotting, floating heart. It starts to get extra crispy and Drogon starts tearing at it with this teeth. It's probably not that delicious, but whatever.

Dany snaps out of whatever trance she was in.

Dany: Oh, snap! Thanks Drogon. That was awesome with that fire shit, by the way. Totally sweet. Now let's get the hell out of here!

They begin to make a run for it. The whole place starts shaking like the entire House of the Undead is going to fall apart. The place sets on fire. But they successfully make it out.

When they reach outside... Pyatt Pree is hopping on one foot and chanting some dark magic shit.  He then senses something is wrong and opens his eyes.

Pyat Pree: What the hell?!  Bitch, you were supposed to die in there! WHATEVER! I'll do it myself.

He pulls out a knife and lunges at her.

Drogon flies up in the air and starts attacking him. Then Jhogo comes around the corner and cracks his whip. It hits Pree right in the hand and catches him.  Dany gets all faint-ey and starts to pass out.

The next thing she knows, she opens her eyes and is being held by Ser Jorah.

Dany: Wait... is that a boner I feel against my back?

Jorah: Uhhhhhhh... no?

Dany: So much for "House of the Undying" though, right? I mean it burnt to the ground and I'm pretty sure I killed them all. 

ACoK 48: Daenerys IV, Part 1

Yeah, this one is split in two. It's a long one. 

Having previously (and unsuccessfully) tried her luck getting help from these other worthless shits in Qarth, Dany decides it's now time to turn to the warlocks of the House of the Undying.

Dany: Oh wow, this House of the Undying looks like a pile of shit. You know what is dying? Their roof and siding. What part of Qarth did I just wander into? This looks like one of those internet articles that's just a dozen pictures of abandoned buildings of Detroit.

Drogon: *HISSS*

Dany: I agree, Drogon. I agree.

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Don't go, my beautiful lady! XXD can give you all you want. You need not rely on the tricks of these Warlocks!

Jorah: I agree, Dany. This doesn't seem safe at all.

Jhogo: Jhogo also agrees, Khaleesi. Do not go in.

Aggo: It is known.

Dany: Wow, you guys are a bunch of pussies.

Creepy-ass Pyat Pree then appears, as he's wont to do.

Pyat Pree: Come now, Daenerys! Come to the abode of the warlocks. But remember these rules three! First, you must enter alone. None of your friends may come with you. Second, when you are presented with a choice of doors, you must always take the first one to your right. Third, where there are stairs, you must always climb up and never climb down. Fourth, shall see many things through the other doors, but you must NEVER enter any room until you get to the audience chamber.

Dany: That's four rules. You said "rules three."

Pyat Pree: Yes. Well. "Rules Three" has a more poetic sound to it.

Dany: Fine then. I'm just going to blatantly ignore one of your four rules then if you said three but have four. I'll ignore the one about needing to come alone. I'll bring Drogon with me.

Pyat Pree: Fine, cool. In fact, even better because we're probably trying to steal your magical dragons anyway.

Dany: What?

Pyat Pree: What?

Dany: You just said--

Pyat Pree: --OH WAIT! I forgot! Fifth rule! There is totally a fifth rule. Before entering, you must also drink this gallon jug of liquid PCP to prepare you for the truths within.

A dwarf walks up and hands her a jug. It says "shade of the evening."

Dany: Drinking a gallon of PCP sounds like a bad idea, but rules are rules and I guess I must obey them. Except for that coming alone one. Because Drogon is coming with me.

She downs the PCP.

Pyat Pree: Yes, yes. Of course. As you say.

Pree steps aside and lets Dany walk through the door to enter the House of the Undying.

Dany steps in and follows Pree's instructions. Always take the first door to the right. Always go up stairs, not down stairs. She does it again and again. As she goes through, she starts to hear crazy sounds coming from the other doors to the left. Some of the doors are open.

Dany: Well, he said I can't GO INTO other doors. Not that I couldn't peak inside and have a look!

So she opens a door and looks.

Dany: HOLY SHIT! This PCP is some strong stuff. I am losing my mind? Am I crazy or am I seeing a beautiful, nude woman, laid out on the floor with four little dwarfs wearing Eyes Wide Shut rat masks who are gang-banging her while one eats her breast?

Drogon:*Squawk* [Translation: No, I'm seeing that shit too and I didn't take any PCP. Mommy, this place is scary.]

Dany: Maybe this is just the drugs speaking, but I'm going to interpret the woman as being "Westeros" and the four rats as being Tywin, Stannis, Joffrey and Balon Greyjoy fighting over her. Because they don't really care about Westeros. They all just want power. Okay... moving on...

Next, Dany sees a vision of piles and piles of murdered bodies at a feast, covered in blood and with missing limbs. Above them all is a dead king with a wolf's head, sitting on a throne.

Dany: Okay, well that one is obviously the Red Wedding. Easy! NEXT!

Next she sees her old friend, Willem Darry.

Dany: Oh HEY! It's Willem Darry, the master-at-arms for my dad and the guy who trained my brother, Rhaegar, how to become a knight. He's also the one that helped smuggle me out of Dragonstone to safety in Braavos after Robert's Rebellion. For the first five years of my life he was practically a father figure and looked after me. Until he got sick and died. But now you're back!

Willem: Come! Come in this room, Dany!

Dany: Okay, I guess I can trust y---HEY! Wait a minute! This isn't the first door to the right! This door is on the left! Are you some type of PCP vision trying to trick me?

Willem: Uhh... no. Look at this door! It's the red door to the house in Braavos that you grew up in. Remember those great memories? COME ON IN!

Dany: Hahaha, nice try. But I'm not falling for it!

Dany moves on.

The next room has an old man with long silver hair, sitting on a barbed throne in a great hall with dragon skulls. He says, "Let him be the king of ashes!"

Dany: My dad, King Aerys II. Another easy one.

She heads to the next room and sees someone who looks like Viserys.

Dany: What?! Viserys?! No... no... wait... that's not you. It looks like you, but it's not. You have his hair, but you look... well... different. Your eyes are darker, and--

Before she can continue, the man in her vision cuts her off. But the man isn't talking to her. He's talking to another woman. A beautiful woman, nursing a baby.

Prince Rhaegar Targaryen: Aegon. Yes, "Aegon." What better name for a king could there be?

Elia Martel: Will you make a cute little jingle for him, dear husband?

Rhaegar: Oh, you! For he already has a jingle. He is the prince that was promised, and his is the Jingle of Icy Hot.

Shaquille O'Neal: The heat is on! The pain is gone! Buy Ice Hot! Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.

Dany: WHOA. THIS SEEMS REALLY IMPORTANT. READERS, PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THIS.

Shaq and Rhaegar then suddenly merge into one.

Shaqga: But the prophesy says that the Dragon has three heads. There must be ONE MORE! 

Shaqgar turns and looks straight into Dany's eyes as he says that.

Dany: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Super crazy! Was he just looking straight at me and talking to me? Because it seemed like he was!  Although from where I'm standing and where the vision of Elia Martel is... he could have just been coincidentally looking through me and at his wife, Elia. Are you talking about me, Shaq/Rhaegar? Please. Give me some sort of sign or additional information! I can't stand this vague/cryptic/indeterminate beating around the bush!

Shaqgar: Also, R+L=J. And Icy Hot Heat Therapy™ = up to 8 hours of relief.

Shaqgar vanishes.

Dany: No! Come back! I wish that vision would have lasted longer. What the hell does R+L=J mean? Is this algebra? I HATE algebra! There are already an infinite amount of numbers as it is. Why did we have to start adding even MORE numbers that are letters into math? Am I supposed to solve for R? Solve for J? I came here to be Queen of Westeros, not a Mathlete.

But it's too late. The vision is over. Dany must continue on her way. She enters the door to the right and goes up a flight of stairs. But on this next floor, the hallway is long. Super long. So long she can't see the end of it. She walks and walks and walks. The hallway starts to get darker. Yet there is never a single door to the right. A bunch of doors to the left. But no right.

Dany: What the hell? It's getting so dark! I'm about to not be able to see anything and all. And there is NO DOOR. AGH! I'm getting so scared.

Finally, she reaches the end of the hall. There were zero doors to the right.

Dany: The light is about to go out now. What the hell do I do? AGHH!

She turns around and looks. She's about to lose sight of everything forever, and, I dunno. Probably, like, die or something.

Dany: Wait a minute... if I turn around at the end of the hall... then the first door on the right is... the last door on the left!!!

She jumps in that last door, just in time. Now she's safe and shit. Or something. I dunno. She's on a lot of PCP, honestly. Who can tell?

Pyat Pree: Good job, Dany! You made it!

Dany: Oh wow, how did you get in here?

Pyat Pree: That doesn't matter. Just follow me now.

Pree walks into a door. A door on the left.

Dany: That's not the right though. I'm supposed to go right. You're going left. What about the rules?

Pyat Pree: Forget those rules. Follow me!

Dany: WAIT! You're slightly blockquoted now. Just like my visions! You're not real! You're just another PCP fantasy! You're trying to trick me!

Pyat Pree: NOOO!

Dany doesn't follow him. She goes into the door to the right. Pyat Pree crumbles into pieces and turns to dust.

Dany: Brutal. Well. I'll keep going. This is starting to get fun. It's a lot better than in the TV show.

To Be Continued.

ACoK 47: Arya IX

Arya is in the kitchens, annoying the shit out of Hot Pie (per usual). 

Arya: Lemme eat them tarts.

Hot Pie: No! They're not for you. I made the correct amount of them and if any are missing...

Arya: *snatches one and eats it anyway*

Hot Pie: Goddamn it.

Suddenly, a horn blows. This horn indicates the return of soldiers.

Arya: I gotta see who this is!

And so Arya leaves and heads to the main gate of Harrenhal. 

Hot Pie: Oh, thank the gods she's gone.

At the main gate... it's the Bloody Mummers / Brave Companions.

Arya: Oh. Just them? Lame. I thought it would be cool, interesting characters.

Vargo Hoat: Whath?! Thaths not nithce! I am an inthresththing charather!

Arya: No, you're really not. Having a speech impediment doesn't make you interesting.

Then the castellan of Harrenhal, Amory Lorch, comes out. As you might recall, he's not particularly good friends with Hoat. 

Amory: Ugh. You're coming back? And alive? Lame. 

Vargo: I havth won a batthle and come withsh capthithves!

Amory: You come with what?

Vargo: Capthithves.

Amory: I still don't follow.

Vargo: CAPTHITHVES!

Arya: I think he's saying "captives."

Amory: Ah, right.

And so they see a bunch of new prisoners, including Robett Glover and Aenys Frey. These are all men loyal to Arya's brother, Robb.

Vargo: I havth won a greath victhory! Rooth Bolthon and histh men havth fled in feyer of me! I havth promished theve capthithves good threathment!

Amory: What was that? You promised the prisoners good treatment?

Vargo: Yeth!

Amory: Whatever. Have them chained up and thrown in the dungeon.

Vargo: WHAT?! WHAT?! BUT I PROMITHED THEM!

Amory: Yeah. So? I'm the Castellan here, so I run this shit. HAHAHA, FUCK YOU, HOAT!

Robett Glover: Good treatment or locked in chains? Who cares! I'm just glad to be mentioned as a character here again like I deserve to be. I don't even show up in the TV series until Season 6, and even then I'm only a minor, supporting character.

Aenys Frey: You think you have it bad? I'm left out of the TV show completely. I'm book-only. And at least when you show up in the show, you get to be played by acclaimed British actor, Tim McInnerny. He was Percy Percy in Blackadder, you know!

Robett: You honestly have to be book-only though. I mean just look at your name. How would they be able to say that on TV? I can only see one way to pronounce it, and that's "Anus."

Aenys: NO! I bet it could be, "Ah-Knees," or even "Ah-Knee-Us." 

And so Robett, Anus, and the rest of the Stark-loyal bannermen are shoved off to the prisoners. 

Arya wanders off.

Arya: Hahaha, Anus Frey!  That's pretty funny. I'm so glad that all those other Lannister men left this place. And now that Weese is dead, his replacement Pinkeye is super easy to trick. I pretty much have free run of this place now. There are only a few hundred soldiers here, rather than thousands.

That gets Arya thinking.

Arya: Hrmmmm... you know... the Lannister men here are very much outnumbered, now that all these Stark prisoners have been taken. If I could just find a way to free the prisoners, I bet we could beat the Lannisters and take back Harrenhal! Let me tell this idea to Gendry. I bet he'll be up for it. Also, I want to stare at him some more. God, I hope he's shirtless.

Arya goes to the forge and tells her plan to Gendry. 

Gendry: No.

Arya: WHAT?!

Gendry: Your plan is stupid and will never work.

Arya: Yes it can! Don't you want to be free?

Gendry: What do you mean? I'm a blacksmith. I do the same work no matter who holds this castle. Quite frankly, I don't care which banner flies over it.

Arya: But... but... the Lannisters tried to have you killed. Remember? Queen Cersei wanted you dead!

Gendry: Whatever. Cersei ain't here. Nobody here even knows I'm that dude Cersei was looking for. I've started a new, happy life for myself. I don't need you ruining it.

Arya angrily storms off. 

Arya: Who else can I turn to in order to help me? I mean I guess I could talk to Jaqen. But that guy is creepy. How did he even kill Weese? He made his loyal dog turn on him. It must have been some crazy black magic shit. Besides, if I ask my third and last kill wish on him, then all my wishes will be done and then I'll go back to being not special.  No, I can't ask Jaqen. I need to take care of this MYSELF!

So Arya then goes to the godswood and practices with her wooden sword. She'll become a fighter and fight her way out of this! And since the godswood is also a place where people from the North pray, she does a little bit of that prayer shit too. 

Jaqen H'ghar: A man would be happy if a girl could get her three kill wishes over with so a man could move on with his life.

Arya: AGGH! Jaqen! How did you find me here?

Jaqen: A man knows that a girl is from the North. A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell. A girl is very obvious.

Arya: Oh shit. You know who I am? When did this happen? Anyway, you have to kill WHOEVER I say, right?

Jaqen: Yes.

Arya: No matter who it is, right? Even if it's a king?

Jaqen: Yes. Is it Joffrey that a girl wishes to say? Because a man can kill Joffrey. Just say it.

Arya: Okay... the name I want to say is...

Jaqen: *waiting in deep anticipation, happy that this shit will finally be over*

Arya: ...  Jaqen H'ghar!!!

Jaqen: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

Arya: Hahaha, didn't see that coming, did you?

Jaqen: A girl knows she could have just ended a book series a lot earlier and saved many lives if she had said, "Joffrey," correct?

Arya: Meh. 

Jaqen: A girl should not tease a man so!

Arya: That sounds exactly like the defense a pedophile would use.

Jaqen: A girl should take a name back and not be cruel! A girl should not lose the only friend she has!

Arya: If you were REALLY my friend then you would help me out.

Jaqen: A girl would take her friend's name back if a friend helped her?

Arya: Yes. I will un-say your name and name another one.

Jaqen: Then a man will help! What does a girl need help with?

Arya: Help me free all these Stark prisoners that were just brought in, so that we can take over Harrenhal.

Jaqen: Ah, a man believes that will be easy as fuck. For a castle is guarded with many sellswords who flip allegiances on a dime.

Arya: What's a dime?

Jaqen: Uh... a man means a "copper Halfgroat." Now, a girl shall go to the kitchens and tell them that their lord needs a bunch of large, boiling pots of broth. A girl will wait for a man to show up.

Arya:  Sweet. We're doing this RIGHT NOW then?

Jaqen: Yes.

Arya runs off to the kitchen. 

Hot Pie: Damnit. You're back again?

Cook: What do you want, girl?

Arya: The lord commands a bunch of large, boiling pots of broth.

Cook: The Lord like God, or the lord of this castle?

Arya: The latter, I assume. Although if I say the former, will you get it done quicker?

Cook: No. Because I'm not doing it.

Just then, Jaqen shows up with Rorge and Biter. 

Arya: Eww. These two are part of the plot too? I hate them.

Hot Pie: What plot?

Arya: Uhhh... I mean--

Jaqen: --A man needs to bring four kettles of broth down to the dungeons, to feed the guards.

Cook: No way! Why am I only hearing about this now?

Jaqen: A cook will be bitchslapped if he does not comply.

Cook: Oh, well in that case... take them, then.

Arya goes down with Jaqen, Rorge and Biter to the dungeons where the new Stark prisoners are being held. 

Guard: Mmm! Some boiling hot broth! That's, like, my favorite food!

And then they throw the boiling hot broth in the guards' faces. 

Guards: AGHHH! AGHHH!! OUR FACES ARE MELTING OFF LIKE IN INDIANA JONES!

Jaqen, Rorge and Biter then start killing off the guards as the writhe around in pain, one by one. It's pretty brutal. Usually something a small girl would be horrified to see. But by now, Arya's emotional scar tissue leaves her numb to everything. She doesn't even bat an eye. 

Rorge takes the keys from a dead guard and unlocks the prison cells. 

Robett: I thank you so much for your help. Are you guys Vargo Hoat's men?

Rorge: We are now, Lord Percy Percy.  Here, have some of these dead guards' weapons.

Jaqen: A man is Jaqen H'ghar. His companions are Rorge and Biter. A castle can easily be taken and Vargo Hoat will be happy to help a man overthrow Amory Lorch.

Arya: ...And I'm Ary--

Jaqen: --A girl is named Weasel and a man need pay no attention to her. 

Robett: Great! Okay everybody... LET'S STORM THE CASTLE!

And so they all run up with newly acquired weapons, and take over the castle. The North wins, with the help of the Brave Companions.

Arya: Wow, that happened super fast.

Jaqen: A girl will take back a man's name now?

Arya: Okay, yes. I take back your name.

Jaqen: *whew*

Arya: But I can still get another name, right?

Jaqen: A girl should not be greedy! Look!

Jaqen points at the dozens upon dozens of dead bodies laying around everywhere. 

Jaqen: These dead... they are because of a girl. A girl did this. A girl got her third kill and fourth and fifth and sixth and so on. The debt is repaid.

Arya: Fine. *sigh* Whatever.

Jaqen: And now, a man too must die.

Arya: Huh? Say what now? But I just took back your name.

Jaqen's hand passes over his face and his face completely changes. Now he looks like a totally different guy. Now he's young, with black hair, and has a slight scar on his right cheek.  REMEMBER THIS FOR LATER, PEOPLE. THERE WILL BE A QUIZ!

Arya: HOLY SHIT! THAT IS SWEET! TEACH ME HOW TO DO IT!

Jaqen: A man can teach a girl if she comes across the narrow sea with him, far away to Braavos. For that is where a man must return.

Arya: Nah. Across the sea? That sounds like a pretty big commitment. Maybe in, like, a few books or something.

Jaqen: Fine. If a girl ever wishes to see a man again, then take this coin here *flips her coin* and hand it to any man from Braavos. Then say the words “valar morghulis.”

Arya: Any man from Braavos?

Jaqen: Yes.

Arya: Even fucking Tycho Nestoris? 

Jaqen: Well, no. Probably not Tycho Nestoris. But maybe. A man is not quite sure about that one.

Arya: Please don't go!

Jaqen: Nah, bish. 

And Jaqen flies away. Or something like that. 

The next day, Arya wakes up to her boss telling all his servants the official news of what happened. 

Pinkeye:  Well, I guess you've probably figured this all out by now, but Harrenhal is under new ownership. The Bloody Mummers killed all of Ser Amory's men. We have a new Lord of Harrenhal coming in this afternoon. That's about all the news I have. Unless any jesters want to prance around and add more to the story. 

Shagwell the Fool, Jester of Harrenhal: YES! For let me prance around and sing of how all the men here "died of Hot Weasel soup!" 

Arya: Oh wow. So it's getting around the castle that I'm the one who had everybody killed, huh? That's pretty sweet. I'm sort of a bad-ass legend here now. 

That evening, the gates of Harrenhal open once more, with the new Lord and Castellan of the castle arriving. 

Roose Bolton: HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, IT'S ME! ROOSE FUCKING BOLTON!

Arya: Yay! A man loyal to the Starks has taken over the castle! I'm so happy! 

Roose: Huh? What was that you said, little girl? Loyal to the Starks? Yes. Yes. Of course I am. Of course. Completely trustworthy. Yeeeeeees. 

Arya: Why are you talking like that? 

Roose: Talking like what? 

Arya: Oh, never mind.

Roose: Hey! Are you the one who everyone is talking about? Soup girl? The one who planned this whole shit to kill all the Lannisters? What's your name, girl? 

Arya, geeting a skeevy feeling off this guy, decides to not tell her the truth. 

Arya: It's "Nymeria."

Roose: Well, Nymeria. I name you my official cupbearer. 

Arya: Thanks? I guess. 

Arya watches as the Lannister banners go down, and they put up the banners of the Flayed Man of the Dreadfort and the Direwolf of House Stark.  The Bloody Mummers, having switched to team Bolton, bring out a naked Amory Lorch. 

Random Bloody Mummer: Hey, what do we do with this guy? 

Vargo Hoat: Oh, I havth an idea! Make fhun of my lithsp, will you? 

They then throw Lorch into a bear pit. The bear starts to eat him. 

Amory Lorch: AGHHHH!!!!! OH THIS SUCKS! BUT THEN AGAIN I'M THE GUY WHO KILLED YOREN, AS WELL AS WAS INVOLVED IN THE RAPE AND MURDER OF ELIA MARTELL AND HER CHILDREN WITH PRINCE RHAEGAR! SO YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE SEEN MY DEMISE COMING! AGHHHH!!

He dead now.

Arya: This has got to rank up there as one of the most awesome days of my life. Don't you agree, Anus Frey?

Aenys: It's "Ah-Knees!" AH-KNEES!!!! 

Arya: Whatever, Anus. 

ACoK 46: Bran VI

Bran is dreaming that he is Summer. And by "dreaming" I mean that he has travelled into Summer's body and is living his awesome Direwolf life. 

Out in the godswood, Summer/Bran smells intruders coming. They smell like fish and ass. He howls to alert the sleeping Stark soliders inside the castle, but no one listens. Dumbasses. 

Summer/Bran and Shaggydog run to the gate and try to break in. 

*SLAM*

Summer/Bran: *woof* [Translation: Ouch! Well, that didn't work.]

Then, Bran hears a voice in his head. It tells him to climb up a giant tree that goes over the wall.

Bran remembers climbing that tree as a kid. He used to be such a good climber. Back in those days with the working legs and all.

Bran Half of Personality: Fuck yeah! I'm going to climb this tree.

Summer Half of Personality: NO FUCKING WAY! Wolves don't climb trees. That's some human shit there.

Bran Half: Nah, Summer. You're going to listen to me.

And so Summer/Bran climbs up the tree. 

And immediately falls. Because wolves aren't tree climbers. 

As Summer hits the ground, Bran wakes up and he's back in bed. 

Bran: FUCK!

Jojen: WHOAAAA! Like, I knew it, dude! You're a beastling! Far out! You were totally one with the wolf! Just like I was one with this girl in a portable toilet back at the Altamont Free Concert.

Bran: Gross. But also your dream is starting to come true.

Jojen: Which dream? My dream of decriminalization of marijuana in the Seven Kingdoms?

Bran: No. The one about the water flooding through Winterfell and drowning us all. It's a metaphor for an attack. We're being attacked! I smelled the enemies coming when I was Summer. I better scream for help now. HELP! HELP!

But no help comes. 

Bran: Oh right. Rodrick stripped all of our defenses bare so that he could go down and defend Torrhen's Square.

Bran's door then swings open. 

Theon Greyjoy: GUESS WHO IT IS!!!!!! I'm back, little sort-of brother!

Bran: Oh, *whew*! It's you, Theon! Thank the gods you're here to protect us. Robb must have sent you. We're under attack!

Theon: Uhm, no. You're a little slow catching on, Bran. I'm the attacker.

Bran: Huh?

Theon: Me. Theon Greyjoy. I'm the one who's attacking Winterfell. I've, like, totally betrayed your brother and everything. I've rejoined team Iron Isles. My Ironmen swam the moat and unlocked the postern gate. Oh, and by the way... I'm a Prince now! Now... you, as Lord of Winterfell, will order all your men to stand down and serve me as Winterfell's new Lord.

Bran: Nah.

Theon: Well, you need to do that if you value the safety of everyone who lives here. Otherwise I'll, like, kill them. I'll give you a bit to think about it.

Theon leaves. Not long after, Maester Luwin comes in. 

Bran: Holy shit, Luwin. Is this all true?

Luwin: Watch your mouth, Bran! You're an 8 year old kid. But yeah, we're pretty fucked. I can't believe we never saw this coming with Theon. I tried to send some birds out to warn everyone, but only the one sent to White Harbor was able to make it out.

Bran: So should I surrender Winterfell? That seems like a bitch move.

Luwin: There is no shame in yielding to protect your people.

Later, Theon gathers a bunch of prisoners including Bran, Rickon, etc in the Great Hall of Winterfell.  Theon also brings in Reek, who they found in the dungeons.

Bran: Oh, JESUS that guy smells bad.

Theon: Listen up, all you bitches. The town is mine. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you--

Mikken: --SHUT UP, THEON! Nobody likes you.

Theon: What?! Mikken the fucking blacksmith is going to talk to me that way?

Mikken: Yep. Eat an entire bag of dicks, Theon.

Theon: Dude, I will kill you.

Mikken: Go ahead and try, you punk ass bitch.

Bran: No! Mikken! Stop! I yield! I yield, okay. The city now belongs to Theon.

Theon: Hahaha! Awesome! I guess you have to obey me now, Mikken. I have conquered the North!

Mikken: No. We'll never obey you, shitface. We will fight to the bitter end and--

--One of Theon's Ironmen drives a spear through Mikken's neck. He dies instantly, drowning in his own blood.

Bran: Oh, well... there goes Jojen's dream about Mikken "drowning" come true. SHIT. 

Theon: Looks like the bitter end came pretty fast for you, person who helped raise me for 10 years. Easy come, easy go.

Hodor: Gosh golly! What a totally inappropriate and salacious action that just occurred! I will inform all the solicitors I can find about his horrendous event to ensure the full forces of the law are used in order to--

Theon: --WILL SOMEONE SHUT HODOR UP!?! Damn him and his constant eloquent talking style!

The Ironmen beat Hodor up until he's silent. 

Theon: Torrhen’s Square and Deepwood Motte will soon be mine! Robb Stark may end up being the King of the Trident, but House Greyjoy rules the north!

Reek: Oh yes, Prince Theon! Truly you are a great ruler. I pledge my fealty to you.

Theon: Oh, you want to serve me? Great! But you need to take a bath first.

Osha then steps forward.

Osha: I pledge my fealty to you too, Greyjoy!

Theon: You? Why would I want YOU? You're a Stark kitchen slut. What would I do with you?

Osha: Kitchen slut? Obviously you're forgetting how we met. IN BATTLE.

Osha goes all "Black Window" and instantly takes out about four of Theon's men. 

Theon: Impressive. Okay, you can be on Team Theon.

Bran: WHAT?! NO! OSHA, HOW COULD YOU?! This is awful! AWFUL! What the hell is happening here?!

Theon: Okay everyone, you're dismissed!!!

And so a sobbing Hodor picks up Bran and takes him away, so sad that he's unable to form any eloquent sentences or cite ancient Greek philosophers.

ACoK 45: Catelyn VI

Cat watches as her brother Edmure and his men ride out to battle.

Cat: Well, honestly they're probably going to all die. How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

BΔSTILLE: Eheu aul aul [x4]

Cat: NO! STOP THAT!

Brienne: I wish I could go. Because I wish I was a man. Only men get to go out and fight in this sexist, patriarchal society.

Cat then goes into deep thought and flashback territory, thinking about how men and women play different roles. Men fighting. Women comforting them. But she never comforted Littlefinger after he got his ass kicked fighting for her as a kid. Whatever.

Brienne: Fighting is better than waiting. When I'm waiting, I just feel helpless.

Cat: Yeah, well knights die in battle. So there's that.

Brienne: Just like ladies die in childbirth. 

Cat: Good counter-point, I suppose. Anyway, my husband who was supposed to protect me is dead. I guess you can be my protector now.

Brienne: I'll try. I mean I can't promise you won't get your neck slit open anyway, but I'll do what I can.

Later, Cat is with Maester Vyman. 

Vyman: Check it out! I got a letter from Lord Elwood Meadows, the new castellan at Storm's End. Penrose is dead and the castle now belongs to Stannis.

Cat: Wow. That was unexpected. So what happened to Edric Storm?

Vyman: It doesn't say.

Cat: Eh. Probably surrendered to Stannis or something. Whatever. Stannis will likely try to use Edric's appearance and resemblance to King Robert as some sort of evidence that Joffrey, in contrast, is a bastard. But I don't that's going to persuade anyone that didn't want to be persuaded of that in the first place. Of Ned's kids, only Arya looked like him. Well, and Jon Snow too... but fuck that shitty bastard. I HATE HIM.

Vyman: Speaking of bastards, here is another note. Coincidentally about someone else who fathered a bastard. It says that Roose Bolton is headed to take Harrenhal.

Cat: Yeah. And when Roose got that letter that his son had been executed, he didn't even care. He even sent a letter that said he was well to be "ridden of him." Cold blooded, yo.

Later again, that night Cat watches as Lannister forces attempt to attack the castle. Three times they strike. Three times they are defeated. She watches as the dead body of a Lannister soldier floats by the river that protects Riverrun. 

Soldier: Actually, I'm not dead at all. I'm just--

Alligator: *NOM*NOM*

Solider: AGHHH!!!

Brienne: Actually, they are called "Lizard Lions" in this book series, not "Alligators."

Cat: Shut up, Brienne. It's a throwaway joke that doesn't even happen in the book. Stop extending this scene more than it needs to be extended. Let's move on.

Brienne: Lord Tywin doesn't mean to seriously attack us. He is merely testing our defenses to see how we respond. Then his REAL army will come after us. Trust me, I'm a fighting expert.

Cat: I'm bored. Let's get Cleos Frey drunk and see if he gives away any secrets.

Brienne: Cool.

And so Cat does that.

Cleos: *hiccup* All thish wine. YEAH! Sho tashty!

Cat: So were you in on this plot to free Jaime and kill all of us?

Cleos: Nope! I knew noshing about that.

Cat: And the Lannisters really offered to trade my daughters for Jaime?

Cleos: Well, yesh. Your daughter at leasht!

Cat: What do you mean daughter? I have two!

Cleos: Well, I only shaw the one, Shansha, when I wash there. I didn't she the osher one.

Cat: Hrm. Well, that really worries me. Cersei didn't say anything about Arya?

Cleos: Oh, I didn't talk to Chershei. I talked to the Imp.

Cat: Ah! So Tyrion is the one that proposed the terms?! He did try to protect me in the Vale. I wonder if I can trust him. Although Littlefinger did say that it was Tyrion's knife that was used to try to kill Bran. And why would Littlefinger lie about something like that?

Cleos: Chaosh is a ladder.

Cat: What?

Cleos: Noshing!

Days later, Edmure sends back word of a great victory against Lord Twyin's forces. Twyin was prevented from crossing the river, and the Mountain was ALMOST killed. 

Cat: But this ain't horseshoes, so almost doesn't count.

Leo Lefford drowned as well. 

Cat: Who the fuck is Leo Lefford and why would anyone care about him?

That night, all of Riverrun celebrates the great victory. Everyone except Catelyn. 

Cat: We're winning, but I feel like that's just some type of shit that GRRM would do right before ripping all my hopes and dreams away with some really dark shit. 

ACoK 44: Tyrion X

Remember when Tyrion started blackmailing Lancel? Yeah, good stuff. And it’s finally paying off!

Lancel: So, I’ve learned from Cersei that she plans to hide Tommen at Rosby under the care of Lord Gyles, disguised as a page.

Tyrion: Well, with that angry mob almost killing Joffrey and Sansa and everyone, that’s probably a good idea. Wait… is she trying to hide Tommen from the angry mob… or from me?

Lancel: A little bit of column A. A little bit from column B.

Tyrion: Hrm. How am I just learning about this from you? Varys is supposed to be a master spy. Why haven’t I heard this shit from him yet? Or maybe he DOES know about it and simply hasn’t told me. I can’t trust that asshole.

Later that night, Tyrion meets up with Bronn.

Tyrion: Sup?

Bronn: Sup?

Tyrion: I have a letter you need to take to Ser Jacelyn Bywater. Command him to take 50 men and capture Lord Gyles’s party. You are to expel the garrison and keep Tommen safe at Rosby.  I do not wish for Rosby or any of his men to be hurt. You know, not in front of Tommen at least.  Tell Bywater if he does this… then he will earn himself a Lordship!

Bronn: Pfft, you’re giving Lordships away now? Hell, I’ll do the job for a Lordship. I don’t need 50 men either.

Tyrion: Like I’m falling for that shit. You’re a mercenary. Bywater’s men will defend Tommen. You’re just as likely to sell Tommen to our enemies when any battle starts to go against us.

Bronn: I can’t even deny that with a straight face. That's a FANTASTIC idea.

Tyrion: And geez… my dick is so hard! I need Shae right now.

So Tyrion starts to head towards Chataya’s brothel. You know how it goes by now. He pretends to be seeking Chataya’s hot daughter but really he goes through a secret passage. Etc. Etc. It seems like a whole lot of work just to see a hooker.
Tyrion: Good point. Forget this crap. I’m just going to go straight to Shae without even going through this subterfuge.

Tyrion looks over both of his shoulders to see if anyone seems to be following him.  It doesn’t appear so, but then again he’s like 3 feet tall. So he probably can’t see much.  He heads straight for Shae’s mansion, AKA the fuckhouse.
He arrives and finds Shae with another man.

Tyrion: DAFUQ?

Shae: Oh, it’s not what you think. This is just Symon Silver Tongue.

Tyrion: Do you think him being named “Symon Silver Tongue” is going to make me feel any better? THAT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE!

Shae: Why?

Tyrion: That’s clearly an allusion to how good he is at cunnilingus!

Shae: No! He’s just a really good singer.

Tyrion: Uh huh. Suuuuure.

Symon: No, it’s true, M’Lord Hand!

Tyrion: OH GREAT! He recognizes me! He knows I’m Tyrion Lannister, the Hand of the King!

Symon: Obviously.  I mean how many other dwarves are around this city?

Tyrion: You know, Shae, the whole reason I have you out here is so that you’re NOT associated with me. But now he knows that you know me and he knows where you live. I should probably have him killed.

Symon: PLEASE! NO! I SWEAR, I WON’T TELL ANYONE!

Tyrion: Are you sure? You sound like the type of minor character that will stick around for another book to try to foolishly blackmail me.

Symon: No! I would never!

Tyrion: Well okay then. NOW GET OUT OF HERE! I SAID GIT!

Symon runs away.

Tyrion: Finally. We can start with the banging!

And so they fuck. Look, we don’t need to get into specifics with that. Afterwards, there is a knock at the door.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, would you like to know about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Tyrion: AGH! Damnit! Go away.

Shae: That’s not a real Jehovah’s Witness. That’s Varys.

Varys: Haha, yep! It’s me again! Lovable Varys!

Tyrion: RIGHT! RIGHT! I keep forgetting that you’re a master of disguise in these books. How were you able to recognize him, Shae?

Shae: Oh we whores have a special talent. When a visitor comes to us… we must look at the man. Not at the man’s garb. That’s how we stay alive.

Tyrion: Wait, so are you trying to say that every whore in Westeros is, like, a master detective or something?

Shae: Pretty much.

Tyrion:  If I told you that the Robert Arryn’s last words were, “Robert. The Seed is Strong,” and that the last book he checked out from the library was about genealogy… what conclusion would you come to?

Shae: Probably that Jon Arryn suspected that Joffrey was not King Robert’s legitimate heir due to him lacking a deep, physical resemblance. So Jon probably wanted to research any records of Baratheon-Lannister marriages in the past to see if the children’s hair color was noted in the books.

Tyrion: WOW! Whores ARE master detectives. It took Eddard Stark an entire book to figure that out and by then it was too late for him.

Varys: So are we going to continue this scene or what?

Tyrion: Oh right. Why are you here, Varys?

Varys: To tell you that Ser Cortnay Penrose is dead and that Storm’s End has fallen to Stannis.

Tyrion: WHAT?! Well, this is sudden. I needed more time to prepare Kings Landing for an attack. I was hoping that Penrose would keep Stannis occupied until my father could finish with that Stark kid and then head down to face him.  Go down to the stables and wait for me, Varys! I’ll come with you shortly.

Varys: Okay. See you in a second.

Varys leaves, giving us the opportunity for another intimate, loving scene between Shae and Tyrion.

Shae: Look, I’m tired of living out here. You need to take me to the Red Keep and make me your lady in waiting.

Tyrion: No, that’s a terrible idea. My father expressly forbid it. And if my sister learned about you, she’d probably fuck with you too.  Although it is dangerous in the streets out here these days with the masses getting pitchforks. Maybe you should come to the Red Keep. But you can’t be my lady. I could set you up with a job in the kitchen though.

Shae: That’s a terrible idea. I’m an awful cook. I’d poison you. Or is this some sort of kinky fetish you have? You wanna suck gravy off my tits or something?

Tyrion: Uhm, well now that you mention that… yes… I would like to do that. However, you wouldn’t be a cook. The kingdom has plenty of cooks. You’d probably just be the pot washing girl.

Shae: Pot washing girl?! FORGET THAT! That’s what my father had me do. You know, before he started violently molesting me.

Tyrion: Yikes. Well, that explains the psychological trauma that led you to becoming a whore master detective.

Shae: You need to quit being a scared little bitch, Tyrion! You need to man up and give a middle finger to your father and sister. Stop acting like a fucking pussy!

Tyrion: Haha, you ARE what YOU EAT.

Tyrion then slaps the shit out of Shae.

Tyrion: Uhhhmm… I guess I shouldn’t have done that. So how about instead of apologizing, I tell you a long, drawn out story about how I lost my virginity to a girl that I thought was in love with me… but really was just a whore that my father and brother had paid to pop my cherry. And that was before my dad made me watch a gang of Lannister soldiers run a train on her to conclude the “valuable life lesson.”

Shae: I’m not sure how a story about a whore master detective being gangbanged is supposed to make me feel better.

Tyrion: Whatever, I’m out and I already regret telling that to you.

Tyrion leaves and rejoins Varys. He tells him his plan about keeping Shae in the kitchen.

Varys: The kitchen? No. That’s a terrible idea. In the kitchen Shae will be an object of both curiosity and lust. Maybe instead she should become Lady Tanda Stokeworth’s maid.  I know Lady Tanda’s current maid is a thief. We could have her fired and have Shae replace her. Nobody would bat an eye. And then Shae would get everything she wants. She could be a lady at court who gets to dress up like a proper lady, and not as some kitchen wench in rags.

Tyrion: THIS IS A FANTASTIC IDEA, VARYS! Geez! Why did I dismiss you from earlier in the scene? You should have been around to tell this idea to Shae. Then I wouldn’t have had to resort to domestic violence.

Varys: I mean she’s just a whore master detective, so it’s not really domestic violence.

Tyrion: Hey now, don’t ruin the illusion in my head that she loves me for who I am. Anyway, it will still be hard to see her if she’s with Lady Tanda. How will she get to my rooms?

Varys: Probably through the secret passage that leads right into your room.

Tyrion: WHAT?! THERE IS A SECRET PASSAGE THAT LEADS TO MY ROOM? How am I just learning about this now? Why have you not told me before? Does it go to the Conservatory? The Lounge? The Study? The Kitchen? If it leads to the Kitchen, wouldn’t it be a better idea to have Shae in the Kitchen like I suggested?

Varys: To answer your questions in order: Yes. Because I didn’t have a reason to tell you. Because I didn’t have a reason to tell you. No. No. No. No. And it doesn’t, so it’s a moot point.

Tyrion: Wait… why did I come down here to talk to you again?

Varys: I don’t know. I assume to ask me more about how Penrose died.

Tyrion: That sounds as reasonable as any other reason I can think of. How did Penrose die?

Varys: They say he threw himself from a window.

Tyrion: *cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

Varys: Agreed.

Tyrion: Yeah, he was assassinated for sure. So, you have your spy network. How did it REALLY happen?

Varys: My little birds can’t be everywhere, Tyrion.  But I have heard a theory. Tell me, do you believe in magic?

Tyrion: I just kicked one singer out of here. Don’t you start up singing that Lovin’ Spoonfull shit at me.

Varys: Both Renly and Penrose died mysteriously. They say old magic was used.

Tyrion: I don’t believe in that stuff. Surely you’re too smart to believe in that yourself, Varys.

Varys: Oh, well since you’re explaining your entire childhood traumas to Shae, I might as well explain mine to you.  As a young boy I had my genitals cut off by a magician in front of me and put on a grill.

Tyrion: The Japanese are really obsessed with their Kushiyaki.

Varys: Not only did he cook my junk in front of me, but this magician chanted some sort of magical incantation. And do you know what happened after that? A voice answered back.

Tyrion: No. You’re shitting me!

Varys: Was it a god? Some conjurer’s trick? I don’t know, and I know ALL the tricks. All I can say for a certainty is that this magician called out to a god… and some voice answered. From that day, I have hated all magicians.

Tyrion: So was this Chriss Angel or David Blane? Because I assume it has to be one of those two.

Varys: If Stannis is practicing dark magic, then I wish to see him dead.

Tyrion: Look, man. I’m sorry about all that happening to you. But I don’t believe in magic and so I can’t vouch for that. Stannis probably just hired a really skilled assassin.  So what other news you got for me? Any word from Littlefinger or my father?

Varys: No. Nothing from Lord Tywin, and for all I know, Baelish has completely vanished.

Tyrion: Hahahaha!

Varys: What? I don’t get wat’s funny about that.

Tyrion: Kings Landing is about to be FUCKED! Without lube, too. Jaime can’t help them because he’s a prisoner. My father can’t help them because he’s trapped fighting Stark. Littlefinger has vanished and therefore can’t get the Knight of Flowers to help them. Robert and Renly and Rhaegar can’t help them because they’re all dead. So you know who the only person left that CAN help them is? ME! That’s right… ME! Tyrion Lannister. The one they call an evil, twisted monkey, and laugh at because I’m a dwarf. The one they HATE.  I am the only person who stands between them and total chaos.

Varys: Honestly, we should probably just let them all die.

Tyrion: True, but then this book series would be much shorter.

ACoK 43: Jon V

Jon Snow is just chillin when a horn blasts.  Everyone around gets silent and anxious. One horn blast signifies that brothers of the Night’s Watch are arriving. But two horn blasts signify an incoming attack.

Everyone: …

Horn: …

Finally, after they realize no second horn will blast, everyone just laughs and pretends like they were never scared in the first place.

Jon: Well shit, that must be Qhorin Halfhand’s party. It’s about time! He was supposed to get here days ago.  I need to go report this to Mormont.

As Qhorin’s party arrives, it’s clear they’ve seen some battle. They’ve got tattered clothes and blood stains. Some men are limping and wounded.

Jon: Hey! I only count 99 men. You were supposed to come with 100.

Qhorin: Uhh… can’t you see that we were attacked?

Jon: Yeah.

Qhorin: So one of our guys died.

Jon: Ugh. We were supposed to have 300 men. We’ll never beat the Wildings now with 299.

Qhorin: Oh, I’ve heard about your ass. You must be Jon Fucking Snow. I can tell. You look like a Stark. I knew your father, Eddard. As well as his father before him.

Jon: Sweet, I guess that makes us best friends now or something?  Come on, the Old Man will want to see you.

And so they go to Mormont.

Lord Commander Jeor Mormont: Dafuq is this? Only 99?

Jon: That’s what I said!

Qhorin: We were attacked by Alfyn Crowkiller the famous and notorious raider who is an arch enemy of the Night’s Watch.

Jon: Yes! So famous, notorious and important that he was never mentioned before this chapter. And he will never be mentioned again after it is over.

Qhorin: Anyway, we killed him. But some of his men escaped. And we had casualties. One dead and many injured. We were able to capture some of his men and question them. Come on, I’ll tell you more inside.

So Qhorin and Mormont go into their private tent to talk, leaving Jon behind.

Jon: WHAT?! How am I supposed to be able to drop more plot exposition if I’m left out of their discussion scene?

Jon then hears some other guys talking about mutiny.

Chett: YEEE-HAW! This whole trip is a waste of time! We should give up and go home, where I can run some Moonshine across the Hazzard County line.

Lark the Sisterman: I agree.

Jon: Ugh. Lark the Sisterman? What a terrible name.

John thinks about running to Mormont to tell him about this sinister plotting to go home. But…

Jon: I may be called “Snow,” but I’m a STARK! And Starks ain’t no bitch-ass snitches!

He then goes into more reflective self-thought about those obsidian / dragonglass weapons that he found. About how he gave some of the weapons to his friends. Like Sam.

Jon: THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER, WHICH IS WHY I AM THINKING ABOUT IT NOW! There, that’s how you continue to push forward plot exposition through POV chapters.

Sam: Oh, thanks for this dragonglass, Jon. It’s very old and I like old things.

Jon: Which is probably why I caught you masturbating to Betty White.

Sam: HEY! You weren't supposed to know about that. Anyway, thanks for this obsidian dagger, Jon. I'm sure it will come in handy at some time in the future. I don't know about this old, cracked, obsidian WAR HORN though. Seems lame.

Jon: I dunno. Maybe. Maybe it's just a useless old, cracked horn that I'm putting a lot of emphasis on for no reason. But if we're still talking about the Warhorn several books from now, and if a sailor from the Summer Isles is trying to pawn it off of you, then it will probably be important for some reason.

Sam: I guess. 

Dolorous Edd: Not to interrupted, but I have an unrelated story. A man once drowned himself in wine and I drank the wine afterwards.  That really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I just figured I’d awkwardly find a way to work that line into his chapter.

But none of this being reflecting about Dragonglass or talking to Edd about drowned people-flavored wine shit is good enough for Jon. He wants to hear what Mormont and Halfhand are talking about. Then he remembers that he is Mormont’s bitch boy.

Jon: Oh right. As I’m Mormont’s bitch boy, I’m supposed to follow him around and be his bitch. I should have just followed Halfhand inside, even though I wasn’t invited.

And so Jon grabs some food and wine and goes into Mormont’s tent.

Edd: No, wait! That’s the drowned person wine!!!

Jon: Here I am, Lord Commander! Just bringing you some food, sir! Not at all just using this food as an excuse to come inside and listen. But, you know, now that I am inside…

Jon takes a seat. QHH continues his story.

Qhorin: Well, apparently every raider north of the wall is being assembled by Mance Rayder in the mountains. The army includes wargs and mammoths and shit. They’re preparing for an assault on the Seven Kingdoms.

Mormont: We must warn the King!

Jon: Hahaha, which one? Am I right? High five!

Nobody gives Jon a high five though. It's tragic.

Mormont: All of them.

Qhorin: Only the King of the North will be of any use. If the Wildlings are somehow able to breech the wall, then Winterfell will be hit first.

Mormont: Just how do they plan to breech the wall anyway? Dig under it? Climb over it?

Qhorin: That’s just the thing… the plan is apparently neither of those things.  Apparently Mance is up in the Frostfangs looking for some type of magical artifact to breech the wall with sorcery. Some sort of fancy, legendary magical thing that would just open the wall for him.

Jon: Wow. Like, some sort of magical ice dragon or something?

Qhorin: Don’t be stupid, Jon. An Ice Dragon taking down the wall?! SILLY! SILLY!

Jon: Well, it makes more sense than some sort of magical horn that will bring it down. Especially if that horn was named “Joramun,” after a King-Beyond-the-Wall from thousands of years ago.

Mormont: Silence, Jon. You’re jumping ahead of books now. Let’s discuss the Horn of MacGuffin later during A Storm of Swords.

Jon: Okay. Weird that I'd have a horn on my mind though now. Why? Oh wait… because I just gave Sam that old horn. I wonder if that could be the magical artifact that Mance is looking for. 

Nobody responds.

Mormont: Well, this thing sounds really serious, Qhorin. What should we do?

Qhorin: We must send scouts into the mountains to infiltrate the Wildlings and find out what this thing they’re looking for is.  The best way to do this is to break into three small groups of five. Those three groups will be commanded by Jarman Buckwell, Thoren Smallwood, and myself. Jarman will go to the Giant’s Stair. Thorn to the Milkwater. And me to the Skirling Pass.

Mormont: Fine. Sounds reasonable. I guess you should choose your men, then.

Qhorin: I choose Jon Snow.

Mormont: What?! This kid is hardly more than a boy.

Qhorin: Yes, but he’s a Stark. Sort of. And he follows the Old Gods. The Old Gods still have power here up North beyond the Wall.

Mormont: And you, boy? What do you want to—

Jon: --Yeah, I’m already packed and ready to go, Lord Commander. I just need to find Ghost and I’m out.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I’m here.]

Jon: Cool. I’m out.

Qhorin: We leave at once.

They leave, heading for Skirling Pass and Qhorin’s inevitable doom.

Qhorin: What was that?

Nothing.