AGoT 54: Daenerys VI

Khal Drogo finishes his usual two minutes of sex with Dany. 

Drogo: Mmm. Yes. Good for you, Dan Ares Wife, Moon of my life?

Dany: Huh? Oh, I mean "YES! So good!" So... now about making sure your army gets on a bunch of ships and invades Westeros... it was foretold that our son, the Stallion that Mounts the World, will conquer the entire world. Well, Westeros is on the other side of the ocean and is part of the world. So you better get on that.

Drogo: No. World end at black salt sea. Our son no go. Me see YouTube video that say world is flat and end there. Fall off if you go more.

Dany: OMG, stop listening to Kyrie Irving. The only NBA star you should listen to is Shaq.

Dany doesn't know why she said that. Yet somehow she has been dreaming of Shaq a lot lately.

Drogo: Drogo bored by woman talk. Now will go hunt.

Dany: Oh yeah, because the last time a king went off hunting in this book it wound up going SO WELL for him.

Drogo leaves. 

Dany: Whatever. Maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back. Then I can convince him that we need to go invade Westeros and take back the Iron Throne. I can't believe these horse people who are usually so manly and tough are afraid of the sea.  I mean I can understand being afraid of water if you're from the Summer Isles, but--

Jorah Mormont: --WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Racist, Dany! Racist! The Summer Isles characters are the black characters in A Song of Ice and Fire. You're walking some dangerous ground there. Besides, wouldn't people from isles be used to water?

Oh yeah, Jorah shows up. Dany summoned him after the Drogo sex. Did I forget to mention that? 

Dany: Oh, don't lecture me Jorah. You're the one who was involved in THE SLAVE TRADE.

Jorah: I tried to sell white people though, so it's okay.

Dany: Look, I'm sorry for lashing out at you, Jorah. I'm just so sad. I keep hoping to go home. I don't even know what "home" is though. Is it Westeros? Is it here?

Jorah: I know what will cheer you up, Dany! A nice trip to the market!

Dany: So you're saying the way to cheer up a woman is shopping? I counter your "racist" with "sexist."

Jorah: Do you want to go to the market or not?

Dany: OF COURSE I DO, I'M A WOMAN! SHOPPPPPINNNNGGGGG!!!!!!

And so they go shopping.

Dany: I love this place! All the accents here! It reminds me of growing up in the Free Cities. You know I used to play in these types of markets when I was growing up as a little girl. We barely had any money but the vendors would still sometimes give me free honeyfinger cakes. Do they have honeyfinger cakes in Westeros, Jorah?

Jorah: I assume not, because I have never heard of that shit before. Anyway, if you'll excuse me. I need to go meet up with a Merchant Captain who has arrived here. He might have a letter from Illyrio.

Dany: OH! Illyrio? I love that guy! He's like one of my father figures. Can I come with you?

Jorah: Uhh... no.

Jorah goes off on his own. 

Dany: Hrm. Weird. Why would he want to do that by himself rather than... oh... wait... he's probably actually going off to visit a whore or something. That makes sense now.

Dany shrugs it off and goes around the market, shopping. They have everything here. Fruits. Jewelry. A "Spencers." She's pretty easily identifiable as the Khaleesi of the Dothraki, so she gets all sort of "free gifts" as she walks around. As part of the usual ritual, she gives the gift-givers medallions in return. Medallions being round metal objects. Like, you know, coins. So really... she's exchanging metallic coins that have value in return for "free gifts," which seems more like "payment" than "gifts."

Wine Merchant (speaking in Valyrian): Wine! WINE! Get your wine here! Have a sample of wine!

Dany (in Valyrian): Yeah, I'd like some of that! Ignore the fact that I'm pregnant.

Wine Merchant: Oh my! You know Valyrian?! What a surprise! I have no idea who you are! Here, have some of this wine. It's the best!

Doreah: How do you not know who this is?  Why this is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen; the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men; Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea; Deputy Customer Communications Associate for AT&T; and Regional Operations Consultant for the Harold Stassen Republican Primary Exploratory Commission of 1984.

Wine Merchant: Oh, begging my forgiveness, great Khaleesi! This wine here is shit! Just the kind of crap I give to unsuspecting tourists.

He throws it away. 

Wine Merchant: I will get you a cask of our finest wine, yes I will!

The Merchant brings back a cask of wine, which has "Not Poison" written on it.

Dany: Oh, thank you! I know my husband will love this! He's quite an alcoholic.

Just then, Jorah returns.

Dany: Oh wow, that was quick. You must last shorter with those prostitutes than Drogo does with me.

Jorah: Huh?

Dany: Never mind.

Jorah: Hey Wine Merchant. That's a mighty fine looking wine you got there. How about you open the cask up and let me have a taste?

The Wine Merchant starts nervously sweating. 

Wine Merchant: What? NO! Have this other cheap tourist wine I initially tried to offer her. This wine here is fit only for princesses like the Khaleesi! Not for common soldiers like you.

Jorah: Oh, I INSIST.

Jorah puts his hand on his sword. 

Wine Merchant: You... you can't just pour this stuff out immediately. You have to open it and let it breath for a while Everybody knows that!

Jorah: I SAID POUR A GLASS FOR ME. In fact, pour two glasses. One for me and one for yourself.

Dany: Come on, Jorah. I'm not sure why you're being so persistent. I mean look, the wine has "Not Poison" written on it. Surely it's safe.

Jorah: If it's so safe, he should drink a bit then.

Wine Merchant: No!

Dany: Hrmmmm...... do as my knight commands you, silly merchant!

Wine Merchant: Yes, yes. Of course, Khaleesi.

The merchant begins to pour two glasses, but then half way through he throws the bottle at her and runs. 

Dany dodges the bottle but almost falls down on her pregnant belly. Fortunately, Jorah grabs her before any harm can be done. The Dothraki servant Jhogo then trips the merchant up with his whip. 

Jhogo: Like in Indiana Jones!!!

Given all the commotion caused, a bunch of merchant guards run up. 

Captain of the Merchant Guards: Okay, okay. What happened here? No wait... let me guess... this asshole here trying to sell poison wine to assassinate someone AGAIN? Geez, Jeff! When will you ever learn?

Jeff, the Wine Merchant: *shrugs shoulders comically*

Dany: Ohmygawd Jorah, you saved my life! But how did you know?

Jorah: Uhh... because the letter I just got from Illyrio. It warned me that King Robert had put a hit out on you.

Dany: Oh wow, so you really WERE getting a letter from Illyrio rather than seeing a hooker? Now I feel silly.

Jorah: Yes. Really. It's not at all that I'm a spy for Westeros who wanted to go away while you were killed... but given my growing feelings for you I had a change of heart to save you.

Dany: Of course not, it couldn't be that at all. After all, I'm a child and you're a grown man. If you had sexual feelings for me it would be super gross and any fans who wanted to 'ship us would be pedophiles.

Jorah: *sweats nervously just like Jeff the Wine Merchant*

Captain of Merchant Guards: Well, let's have Jeff delivered to Drogo and see what the Khal wants to do with him for revenge. It will probably be something pretty sick. I totally want to watch.

Dany: All this excitement and the attempt to murder me makes me tired. I need to go back and rest.

And so Dany goes back to her tent to lay down. She dismisses everyone except for Jorah. 

Jorah: Oh sweet. Alone time? I guess you really are grateful for me saving your life.

Dany: Huh? What was that you were saying, Jorah? Sorry, I was thinking. Thinking about that letter you received. What exactly did it say?

Jorah: Oh.. you wanted to talk about the letter? Damn it.

Jorah starts buttoning his pants back up. 

Jorah: Illyrio said that King Robert had offered a lordship to anyone who could kill you and your son or your brother.

Dany: Hahaha, epic. So since Drogo already killed my brother I assume that means that the Usurper will be giving Drogo a lordship?

But despite her outward laughing at the situation, Dany is really shaken. She orders Jorah to leave and stares at her dragon eggs. Somehow, inside of her, she feels like the anger this assassination attempt has created in her has "woken the dragon," as her annoying brother would say if his face hadn't been melted off-- 

Jhogo: --Like in Indiana Jones!!!

Given her feeling, Dany cooks up a fire and throws the dragon eggs in it, thinking that will mean they will come to life. What a dumb ass! 

Of course... nothing happens.

Later that night, Drogo comes back from hunting. 

Drogo: Hey honey. Drogo miss anything?

Dany tells him everything.

Drogo: Hrm. This piss Drogo off. For helping save my wife, Drogo give Jorah and Jhogo gifts. New Playstation 4 Pro. But that not only gift Drogo give. Drogo also have gift for Drogo and Dan Ares Wife's unborn son, Ray Go. Ray Go is Stallion Who Mount World. For gift Drogo give his son the Seven Kingdoms. This gift also have number of sub-gifts. Sub-gifts include head of King Man Robert who usurp Dan Ares's father. Sub-gifts also include my khalasar ride west on wooden horses to kill all men in iron suits and tear down stone houses.Sub-gifts includes rape all Westeros women, take children as slaves, and bring stupid Westeros gods back to Vaes Dothrak to bow beneath Mother of Mountains.

Dany: Awww, thanks sweetie! *bats eyes*

And so Drogo orders his men to ride west - towards the coast and Westeros.  The Wine Merchant, Jeff, is chained to the back of Dany's horse as they ride, being dragged along. 

AGoT 53: Bran IV

Bran is sitting on a turret looking through a telescope at the Karstarks arriving at Winterfell. Why is he doing that? Because he certainly can't be STANDING on a turret while looking at the Karstarks arrive, HO HO HO!

Bran: Okay, screw you, narrator.

Bran then goes into backstory exposition mode, recalling the history of the Karstarks (how they are descended from the Starks), how they were the last to arrive when his brother Robb sent out word to all of the North to assemble at Winterfell, and how he wasn't allowed to leave the castle ever since the incident in the Wolfswood. You know - the incident where they got attacked by Wildlings and Night's Watch deserters (including Osha).  Bran also recalls how he recognized the banners of all the dozens of damn houses pledged to the Starks as they each arrived in town. So many men. Fighters. 

Bran: Sweet. I always wanted to be a knight. How many knights are there, ya think?

Maester Luwin: Not many. 300 perhaps. Knights are blessed in the name of the Seven Gods and we here in the north follow the old gods. But a man's worth is not determined by having "Ser" in front of his name. Why, I think that a solider from the North is probably ten times as good as one from the Sou--

Bran: --Okay, enough of this shit. Hodor, I don't want to watch this anymore. I want to go to the godswood.

Hodor: Ah yes, an exemplary proposition, you budding young adolescent, you! I do suppose I know the itinerary to the godswood and will take you there upon my back henceforth so that you can engage in invocations to your mighty tree gods.

Bran: Ugh, I wish you could just say "Hodor."

Hodor takes Bran to the woods to pray. Summer comes along too. Along the way, he passes by a bunch of Karstarks who mock him for being a cripple. Bran doesn't care though. Fuck those guys. He'd  rather be out and called a cripple by losers than be trapped inside the castle. Besides, Summer also growls at some of the Karstark men and they piss themselves.  Bran finds that to be hilarious.

Upon reaching the magical tree god with the bleeding face, Hodor puts Bran down and Bran starts to pray.  Hodor then strips naked and goes to take a bath in a nearby hot spring. 

Bran: Dear tree face god, I hope Robb doesn't go off to war. I hope my family stays safe. I hope little Rickon stops crying like a little bitch. I mean when he first heard that Robb would be leaving he ran away and hid in the crypts. When men were send to find him, he slashed at them with a sword from one of those crypt statues and had Shaggydog bite them. That boy is fucking wild. Like a wildling. And wildlings are the worst. In "The Bell Curve," Charles Murphy said that Wildlings have smaller brains than regular people and are naturally less intelligent.

Osha: HEY! I'm right here!

Bran: What?! How did you get here? More importantly, why are you here?

Osha: Don't worry about that now. What you should be worried about now is another long, internal monologue where you go back and detail a number of past events which have happened in-between your last POV chapter and this one. First you should think about how you begged Robb not to go off to war but he insisted that he would have to, because that's what father would have done. Father would have never sent another man off to lead his war. Then you should think about how a number of the Stark bannermen were reluctant to bow down and support this young boy who was now Lord of Winterfell. You should think about how Greatjon Umber said that he would be a better leader than Robb, demanded command, and then drew his sword on Robb. Then you should recount how Robb then had Grey Wind attack Greatjon, biting several of Greatjon's fingers off. Then point out how ironically that made Greatjon actually MORE LOYAL to Robb and ready to declare that Robb was truly a fit and bold leader, ready to command. Then you should talk about how Robb and everyone else is really creeped out by that super weirdo bannerman, Roose Bolton. He gives everyone the heebie-jeebies. Especially because his banner is that of a flayed man. Because apparently that's what his house does to people. Or maybe it's just one of Old Nan's stories. Then talk about how men came back to Winterfell with the bones of Sansa's dog, Lady. And think about all the other Stark men who went South to never come home alive. And then think about--

Bran: --Can we just move on with the chapter instead of me thinking about all this shit? I asked you why you were here.

Osha: We Wildlings follow the old gods too, Bran. Not just you Starks. I was here to talk to the gods, just like you. And I heard the gods answer you back.

Bran: What? Really? I didn't hear anything.

Osha: They answered you back with the wind.

Bran: Well, that's a pretty vague answer. Do you have to have a solid understanding of Rossby waves and pressure gradients to talk to the gods?

Osha: You just need to learn how to listen right.

Bran: So what did they say?

Osha: The gods are sad. They say that they can't help out anyone in the south. There are no weirwoods in the south. They were all cut down ages ago. Your father is outside of where the gods can help.

Bran: These are some pretty weak and shitty gods then.

Another wind blows when Bran says that. Bran gets a sudden chill, and is somehow able to tell that the gods were saying, "Fuck you, Bran."

Hodor comes back from his bath, all naked with his junk swinging around.

Osha: Oh my, what a large..... uhhh... man. He must have Giant's blood in him.

Bran: Maester Luwin says there are no more Giants.

Osha: Well, Maester Luwin says a lot of dumb shit. Remember when Luwin said that HD-DVD was a superior format to Blu-Ray? Or back in 1999 when he said that Eminem would never be as big as Everlast? North of the Wall, men have sex with giants all the time.   Oh... sorry... I'm talking about sex to a little boy. That's kind of messed up.

Bran: Nah, it's okay. I see dogs humping out in the yard all the time. I'm crippled, not stupid. NOW PUT SOME DAMN PANTS ON, HODOR!

Hodor: Oh, my most sincere and utmost apologies, Brandon! Where indeed are my manners? Why I swear, I am oft so absesnt-minded!

Osha: There is worse beyond the Wall than just Giants though, boy. When men leave the warmth of their fires... sometimes they never come back. Or even worse - they come back as wights!

Bran: I'm confused... they use skin-lightener or something? Like Sammy Sosa?

Osha: No, not "whites," "wights!" It's spelled different. I mean the zombie people.

Bran: No... wait... I thought those were "White Walkers" or "the Others" or something. I'm confused.

Osha: Okay, so this is how it works... "the Others," AKA "White Walkers" are not zombies. They are another species. Like how the humans are a different species from the Children of the Forest and how cows are different from sheep.  The Others are not dead humans that come back to life. However, the Others have the power to TURN dead humans into zombies.  The people they kill and bring back as zombies are wights.  Get it? Others = Other Evil Species. Wights = Human zombies resurrected by Others.

Bran: Thanks. That clears it up. I think.

Osha: I told all this to Robb, but he wouldn't listen to me. And since he's like a 15 year old boy and I'm kind of a wild and freaky brunette with tits... I figured he would listen to me. Generally I'm exactly the type of person that 15 year old ginger boys listen to and obey without question. But not this time. Anyway, tell that Robb that if he's going off to war that he's going the wrong direction. He needs to go North!

Bran: Yeah, sure. I'll tell him.

But Bran doesn't. Not because he's a liar but because he practically never gets to see his brother. While Robb is helping to plan the war, Bran is sent off to go entertain the newly-arrived Karstarks.  He's bored hosting them and knows they're all making fun of him. 

Bran: Ugh, I hate this. I want to be a knight and go off to war, not sit here.

Luwin: Hey now, you can never be a knight but maybe you can be a Maester. You know they call us "Knights of the Mind!" You could forge your maester's chain in Old Town and become very wise and knowledgeable about many things.

Bran: Yeah, apparently not knowledgeable about Blu-Ray though. Anyway, I don't want to learn any of that dumb stuff they teach in Old Town. I want to learn to fly! The three-eyed crow in my dreams told me I'd learn to! That damn liar!

Luwin: Nobody can teach you magic, Bran. That's dumb.

Bran: Oh yeah? I bet the Children of the Forest could teach me! They use magic! Osha knows all about it. You should talk to her. She says Robb is marching the wrong way.

Luwin: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Two days later, Robb marches south and off to war.  Bran is now Lord of Winterfell. 

Bran: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

AGoT 52: Jon VII

Ghost leads the Night's Watch Rangers to the dead bodies of two other Rangers.

Ser Jaremy Rykker: Hrm, these are the bodies of Othor and Jafer Flowers. I can recognize them easily on account of their pale skin and bright, blue, shining eyes.  No... wait a minute... odd... I don't remember them having blue, shining, zombie-like eyes before. Whatever. Anyway, they went out with Benjen and never came back. Ah, those were good memories. The fact that Benjen never came back is how I got promoted to become First Ranger myself.

Jon: Dude, that's my uncle you're talking about and I'm standing right here.

Jaremy: Sorry.

Lord Commander Jeor Mormont: Yet this is only two of the men that Benjen took with him. Where are the rest?

Everyone else just shrugs because what the fuck are they...psychics or something?

Mormont: And how the hell did these men of the Night's Watch die so close to the Wall without us knowing? Look... Othor is even wearing his hunting horn to sound an alarm if he was in trouble. Don't any of your shitty Rangers patrol and listen for horns anymore?

Jaremy: Hey now, Lord Commander. Thanks for giving me shit and calling my men incompetent. I really appreciate it. But maybe you should think about the fact that we're completely understaffed and you yourself gave an order to stay close to the Wall and not go out ranging.

Dywen, another Ranger: Ho ho! Good one, Ser Jaremy! High five!

Mormont: *grumble*grumble* Okay, so how did these idiots die anyway?

Jaremy: Well, looks like Jafer took an axe to the neck.  And as for Othor. Shit man, it's rough. It seems to me as though like both his hands and his feet were bound to a chair with barbed wire. He was then forced to eat can after can of shitty canned spaghetti at a table until he passed out. And after he passed out, it looks like he was kicked in the stomach until he had an internal hemorrhage. And this note was left by him that says "Long is the way, and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light."

Jon: Dude, that's the "gluttony" murder from Se7en, stop fucking around.

Jaremy: It's just a theory of how he might have died, Lord Snow. Back off.

Dywen: Othor was known to carry an axe. And Jafer took an axe to the neck. Odd.

Jaremy: Hahaha... what a dumb suggestion, Dywen. What? You're saying Othor died and then came back as a blue-eyed zombie to turn on Jafer and kill him? Dumb!

Dywen: I actually didn't say all that, but now that you mention it--

Jaremy: --You know who else has axes other than Othor? EVERY SINGLE Wildling ever. And do you know where Wildlings live? Here, north of the Wall. If you ask me, this is the work of Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall. Either that or perhaps some sadistic "John Doe" serial killer who wants revenge on all the Night's Watch by executing them in a manner consistent with the sins he deems them guilty of.

Mormont: I doubt it could be Mance Rayder's men. They would never come this close to the wall.

Jon: And for the last time, Jaremy... it's NOT that Se7en stuff, cut it out. I think there is a better explanation for who could have done this. It could have been... THE OTHERS!

Mormont: Which others?

Jon: You know... THE Others!

Dywen: I'm confused.

Jaremy: Me too.

Mormont: Yes, nobody is following you, Jon.

Jon: Ugh. See? This is why the TV show just called them "White Walkers" rather than "the Others." I'm speaking of the legendary undead zombie people from the Lands of Always Winter. Eight thousand years ago they marched down and created "The Long Night," a Winter that lasted for an entire generation, spreading fear and famine throughout Westeros. They were finally defeated and to prevent them from ever coming back we built this Wall and created the Night's Watch. You know.

Mormont: Oh yeah, right. Those Others. The very reason the Night's Watch was created. Yeah, I don't believe in them.

Jaremy: Yeah, nobody actually believes in the Others.

Jon: WHAT?! How can nobody in the Night's Watch actually believe in the Others? Our whole purpose is to defend the realm against them.

Mormont: I figured we were just some type of organization that gave everyone a false sense of security so they felt better... while not actually protecting anyone from anything. Meanwhile, our ranks are made up of the worst and shittiest members of society.  You know, we're essentially Westeros's TSA.

HAHAHA, ZIIIIING! FUCK YOU, TSA!!!!

Mormont: Anyway, if Benjen had been attacked this close to the wall, he would have come back to the castle to get more men.

Jaremy: Benjen has been gone for six months, sir. These bodies don't look like they've been dead for six months, do they? They only look like they've been dead a day or so! And don't tell me that it's been too cold for the bodies to rot. Just feel how surprisingly warm it is up here right now. They should have rotten by now. Most likely Benjen and his Rangers got into a fight far, far away from here. These two were the only survivors and were making their way back to the Wall.

Samwell Tarley, who was around the whole entire time but didn't want to talk until now, speaks up. He stutters when he speaks because he's a nervous, scared little punk. 

Sam: Actually, uhhh, l-look at the blood in their v-veins. It's all old and c-crusty like they've been d-dead for a l-long time.

Mormont: Hrm, good detective work. Glad to see that you're just fat and not also stupid. And yet they don't have maggots all over them like you'd expect for bodies that have been dead for a while. In fact, no animal will come near them. I mean just looks what happens when we try to make the hounds sniff them! Chett, send the hounds in!

Chett: Awww, gollllley geeeee! Come on now, ol' Velvet Ears! Go get'em!

Chett sends the hounds in, but they run away and refuse to get near the bodies.

Hound: *bark* [Translation: No way, man. Those bodies are cursed!]

Ghost: *bark* [Translation: What a bunch of wusses you Hounds are. Not only did I go near the body, but I tore a hand off and brought it back to my master so that we could play fetch with it and I could chew on it like delicious, delicious human jerky.]

Sam: Also, you'll s-see that there is no b-blood here. So they c-couldn't have d-died here. They must have been m-moved by someone.

Jon: Yes, moved by someone or MOVED ON THEIR OWN BECAUSE THEY ARE OTHERS.

Dywen: Okay man, this is freaky. This makes no sense. And these guys totally did not have blue eyes before. Let's just burn these bodies and go home now.

Mormont: No. We need to investigate further. Bring the bodies back to Castle Black and let's get a good look at them there.

They try to tie up the bodies on slings that the horses can carry back to the wall, but the horses will have none of that shit.

Horse: *NEIGH* [Translation: Nay].

Mormont: Well, okay, I guess you Rangers will just have to drag these slings back. Ser Jaremy, have your men search these woods up and down. Left and right. Perpendicular. If any more of Benjen's Ranger party is to be found... you must find them!

They begin to head back to the wall, with the bodies being dragged behind them.

Jon: Man, all things considered, it's surprisingly warm today. You know, just like Ser Jaremy alluded to earlier. Look at the wall, it's weeping water out of it because it's so warm.

Mormont: Ah yes, that's called the "Spirit Summer," young Snow. Unseasonably warm temperatures at the end of summer. It's a famous indication that... WINTER IS COMING.

Jon: Oh shit, you REALLY ARE trying to take the place of my dad and be my new father figure, huh? Speaking of which, I wonder how my dad is doing right now. Probably must be pretty good, right? I mean he is the Hand of the King and all.

They arrive back to Castle Black where Bowen Marsh, the Lord Steward, comes up.

Bowen: Ah, Mormont. Finally back I see? A raven has arrived. Better come read this message.

Mormont: Yeah, if you say so. Come on, lads. Lock up these bodies in the storage room while I go read our mail. Probably just bills and shit.

Yet Jon notices that all the men of the Night's Watch are looking at him all crazy. Some turn away, shuffle their shoes in the dust, and whistle when Jon makes eye contact with them. 

Jon: What the hell? Do I have a booger or something? Someone tell me what's happening!

But nobody does. Apparently everybody has read the letter that arrived. Bowen just shared it with everyone like a punk.

Jon: What? WHAT?! Hey! Pyp! Tell me!

Pyp: Uhh... the letter said that King Robert was dead. And it mentioned some other things too. Maybe you should just go with the Lord Commander and figure the rest out yourself.

Jon: OH BOY! King Robert is dead? That means my dad probably won't be the Hand of the King anymore. I bet he'll get sent back to Winterfell. He'll be so close to me now! I bet he'll come up and visit all the time. And then we can finally have that conversation about who my mom is.

Pyp: Yeah, uhh, so not to change the subject or anything... but what's up with those freaky dead bodies you brought back?

Jon: Ah yes, they were queer.

Pyp: What?! Jon, that's very bigoted. Look now, it gets lonely up here on the wall. Othor and Jafer might have messed around and had some fun... but we shouldn't judge them for it.

Jon: No, no... I mean "queer" as in unusual. Strange. Odd. There was something odd about the bodies.

Jon then leaves and goes to the Lord Commander's tower. Everyone is still looking at him funny. 

Jon: WHAT?! Okay... spill the beans!

Mormont: Sit boy, and have a drink.

Jon: Top shelf? I could go for a Johnny Walker Blue.

Mormont: Fuck no. You'll have a Dewar's and you'll like it.

Jon pours himself a drink. 

Mormont: Look, your dad has been arrested and proclaimed a traitor. They say he plotted with Robert's brothers to take the throne away from Joffrey. But look man, I got friends in King's Landing. And you know that I sent Yoren down there to get some new men to take the Black.  I think I can work a deal so that your dad can come here to the Wall rather than be executed.

Jon: What?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! No way my father is a traitor! He's an honorable man and would never do anything dishonorable.

Mormont: You mean like father a bastard?

Raven: CORN!

Jon: That's cold, man. Cold. I can't believe my father will have to give up his lands and claim to Winterfell. such bullshit! Still, I guess that's better than death. You think Joffrey will agree to pardon my dad?

Mormont: He'll do what his ho mom says.  It's a shame that his Uncle Tyrion isn't down there. Now that's a sensible guy who would know what to do and how to reign in that boy king. Shame your mom kidnapped him.

Jon: Uh, that bitch Cat Stark is not my mom. So does the letter say anything about my sisters? Are they doing okay?

Mormont: No. But when I reply back, I'll ask about them. Now I don't want you to do anything stupid now that you've gotten this news. Those sisters aren't your real sisters anymore. You only have brothers. Your family is here at the Wall. You took the oath. And you know what happens to oath breakers?

Jon: Depending on their connections, family and social status their oath breaking is generally overlooked and they continue to succeed in life and even get promotions? Like Jamie Lannister when he broke is oath and killed the king.

Mormont: Fuck, I was going to say "they get executed," but your answer is actually more accurate. You're a bastard though and your father committed treason, so don't count on that for yourself then. Okay boy, you're dismissed. Like I said. Don't do anything stupid.

Jon: Of course not!

Mormont: And by that I mean like hold a knife to someone's throat if they make fun of your dad. Or to try to ride south to help out your brother Robb or anything.

Jon: I would never do either of those things.

Mormont: Okay, good then. WAIT... why was your left hand hidden behind your back? Were you crossing your fingers?

Jon: Uhh.... no? 

Raven: YES HE WAS. CORN.

Jon goes to dinner that night and he realizes that everyone knows.  Many at the tables offer him condolences. But not this one guy, you can probably guess who...

Alliser Thorne: Hahaha! Oh man! Look at weepy little Lord Snow, the bastard boy with the traitor father!

Jon jumps over a table and pulls out a knife, he holds it to Alliser's throat and is about to slit his neck when the other crows of the Night's Watch pull him off.   Jon is then sent right back to the Principal's office. 

Mormont: WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT NOT DOING ANYTHING STUPID?!

Jon: *shrug*

Mormont: Go to your room! You're grounded. No visitors and no cell phone!

Jon: Aww, damnit!

Jon goes to his room and not allowed to leave. To make sure of that, there is a guard placed at the door.

Guard: This is my last night on the job! Oh man, I've been looking forward to retirement for so long. I finally get to spend time with my family and my grandchildren.

Hrm. Odd. Anyway, fortunately Ghost is still allowed to be locked in with Jon though. Jon goes to sleep that night, and is awoken in the middle of the night by Ghost scratching at the door. 

Jon: What is it, Ghost? What is it? Is something wrong?

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: No, I just need to pee!]

Jon: I wish I could understand Direwolf. Something must be wrong! Let's go investigate!

Jon walks out. The guard is dead. 

Jon: NOOOOOOO!!!! WHYYYY???!!! It was his last day on the job!

Jon then hears a commotion coming from the Lord Commander's rooms nearby. He takes the dead guard's sword and runs over. Inside, he hears a raven squawking.

Raven: Corn! [Translation: Corn!]

In front of Jon stands a shadowy figure, a man in black but with blue, glowing eyes. He's walking for Lord Mormont's chamber. 

Jon: Hey, get the hell away from there!

Jon and Ghost attack the man, with Ghost biting at him and Jon slicing him with the sword. Jon gets a good look. 

Jon: Oh shit! Othor? You're supposed to be dead!

Othor: BRAINSSSSS!!!!

Jon: AGH!!! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT!?

He swings a sword at dead Othor and slices a hand off. But the hand keeps coming at him.

Mormont comes out from his bed, butt naked and holding an oil lamp to see better. 

Mormont: Just what the hell is going on h--OH SHIT, ZOMBIE OTHOR!!!

Jon: BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE!

Jon throws a curtain on Othor, and then grabs the oil lamp from Mormont. He throws the lamp on the curtains and it is set aflame.

AGoT 51: Sansa IV

Literally the worst human being in the world, Sansa Stark, is locked up in a room with Jeyne Poole. 

Jeyne: This is the worst! I hate this! Is my dad Vayon okay? I haven't heard form him in days! I hope he's still alive. The Lannisters are killing everyone. I can't imagine anything worse than this ever happening to me ever again in my life.

Sansa: Ugh, you are so stupid and annoying, Jeyne. I'm sure you're dad is okay. What you should really be sad about is me. I'm suffering the worst. After all, I have to listen to you whine and cry the entire time.

Jeyne: But for the entire first day you were locked in here with me, you were also crying. Now you're criticizing me for doing the same?

Sansa is intellectually unable to discern any logical contradiction to her words and her actions because she's the fucking worst. So she instead just sits there silently, thinking about how she hopes Joffrey is doing okay. 

The door opens and the hideously ugly Ser Boros Blount of the Kingsguard walks in.

Ser Boros: Okay Sansa, the Queen wants to see you now.

Sansa: Oh good! I love the Queen. She's such a nice lady. And maybe Joffrey will be there too with her. I love Joffrey so much. There was this crazy misunderstanding with my dad that I hope will get resolved soon. But they're such nice and smart people, I'm sure it will all get figured out amicably.

Boros takes her. As they walk out of  Maegor’s Holdfast, they casally walk by a bunch of Stark men who are impaled on spikes around a moat.  Sansa probably grew up with all these people but she avoids looking at them or thinking that Cersei and Joffrey might be horrible people for murdering them. Why? Because she's a fucking self-absorbed cunt. 

Instead of going to the Queen's apartments, they head into the chamber of the Small Council. Joffrey isn't there, so Sansa gets all sad. 

Cersei: Oh, sweet little Sansa. Have they treated you well?

Sansa: Oh yes! Very well. Although nobody has told us what has happened.

Cersei: Us? Is someone with you?

Sansa: Yeah, Jeyne Poole. I hate her. She's so annoying. All she does is cry about her father. What a loser.

Cersei: Well,  hen we must get rid of her so that you can not be annoyed. Littlefinger - find something to do with this other girl!

Littlefinger: It shall be done, my queen.

Varys: Wait - does anyone other than me think it's odd that Cersei's first choice of a person to turn to to relocate a young teenage girl is the guy who runs brothels?

Littlefinger: What?! No! No! It's all fine. All I'm going to do is send her to go be with her very much alive and not murdered father.

Sansa: Oh yes! That's good! Say... where exactly is Vayon?

Cersei: HEY, changing the subject!!!! You know, Sansa... Joffrey really loves you. So much. But your father is a traitor.

Sansa: WHAT?!

Varys: Alas, it's true. Your father had sworn to protect King Robert's children. And yet as soon as he became Regent the first thing he did was disobey his oath and plot to make Stannis the king.

Pycelle: Treason, yes! Terrible, terrible treason!

Cersei: And no matter how much Joffrey loves you and I love you, my little one, we simply can't allow the daughter of a traitor to marry the king.

Sansa: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOO!  That's not fair! I shouldn't be punished for something my dad did! I'm innocent.

Varys: They say that the children of traitors have traitor's blood.

Pycelle: Yes, traitor's blood indeed. This girl is destined to become a traitor too.

Sansa: NO, I'm not a traitor! I don't have traitor's blood! Remember how my father was plotting to sneak me and Arya out of town... but then I came to you, Queen Cersei, and told you all about it like a little snitch bitch?

Cersei: Yes, I know you're innocent, my little one. For now. But will you stay that way? Just look at your sister Arya, who turned his wolf on my dear sweet Joffrey. Perhaps Varys and Pycelle are right. Treason is in your blood.

Sansa: No! I don't have traitor blood like Arya! I'm nothing like Arya! She has my dad's traitor blood!

Pycelle: Wow, this bitch will just turn a dime on her family that she claims to love in a heartbeat, won't she?

Littlefinger: Queen Cersei, if I might... I think what Sansa says rings true. That girl Arya is indeed much like her father and has the same black Stark hair.  Sansa seems to take after her mother much more. Her hot, hot, hot mother Catelyn who is sexy as hell. She has her mother's beautiful red Tully hair. It probably smells like strawberries. Man, I just want to bang this little Sansa girl as much as I want to bang her mom. Both at the same time, maybe. Anyway, what I'm getting at is... maybe she DOESN'T have the Stark traitor blood.

Sansa: Uhh... thank you for defending me Littlefinger. But... also... gross.

Cersei: Okay, first of all Littlefinger - are we still talking about this hair color shit? Because now that Ned and his CSI: Melanin investigations are over I thought we'd be done with that. Second... way too graphic on the Cat thing and I'm not sure why you're trying to convince me that taking after her mother is a good thing considering that Cat kidnapped my brother and started this whole Stark versus Lannister war thing.  And lastly... I have an idea to test your theory, Baelish. I have a way to prove whether Sansa is loyal or a traitor.

Sansa: Oh yes! Yes! Anything! I will prove it! All I want to do is be with my beloved Joffrey.

Cersei: All you have to do is write these four letters that will go to your mother, brother Robb, Aunt Lysa, and Hoster Tully... explaining how your father is a complete and total traitor who betrayed the King and plotted against my innocent son. Then tell them that you're beating treated well, that you aren't at all a hostage, and that they must also come down to King's Landing completely undefended and kneel to King Joffrey where they too will also not become hostages.

Sansa: Sounds sensible. Could you repeat all that again?

Cersei: It's okay, we've already written the whole thing out for you. All you have to do is copy it and put it in your own handwriting.

Sansa: And after that can I see my dad?

Cersei: WHAT?! Why would you want to see a TRAITOR? Sounds like something that some girl with traitor's blood would want to do.

Sansa: NO! NO! Never mind! I was just kidding. Forget my father! I don't want to see him anyway!

She quickly gets to copying the letters that were written for her and forgets about her dad. After all, everything will probably be fine with him anyway.  Joffrey is so wonderful and noble. He'll probably just pardon her dad anyway if she asks. Because he loves her so much. 

AGoT 50: Arya IV

Arya and Syrio Forel are sword fighting in the Small Hall in the Tower of the Hand.

Syrio: Okay, now I will strike from the left!

He strikes from the left.  Arya blocks it.

Syrio: Now I will strike from the right!

He strikes from the right.  Arya blocks it.

Syrio: Now I will strike from the left again!

But instead he strikes from the right.  Arya misses it and the wooden sparring sword hits Arya.

Syrio: I win. You are dead.

Arya: No fair! You cheated! You lied.

Syrio: Did I? It matters not. If this was a real fight you would still be dead. Maybe my mouth lied, but my eyes and my arm did not lie. You should have paid attention to what my eyes and arms said, not what my lips said. When you fight a real foe, that is what you must do. Now let me tell you a story about how I became the First Sword of Braavos.

Arya: Shit. Is this going to be long and boring?

Syrio: In Braavos there were men younger than me. There were men faster than me. There were men stronger than me. But me? I was the best! Why? I saw the truth. The great Sealord of Braavos was hiring the new First Sword after the last one was killed in an industrial accident at near the glue factory. The Sealord had this fat orange cat and said she was an exotic feline beast from a far away land called "New Jersey." The Sealord asked all the First Sword candidates what they thought about his exotic cat. They all explained how marvelous and fantastic she was. Because they were all a bunch of ass kissers. But I took one look at that fat piece of shit and I knew it was just Garfield. Sure, the Sealord called the cat a "she," but I saw that it was a tomcat and I saw the lasagna hanging from its mouth. I also saw it complaining about Mondays. I told the Sealord that the cat was just Garfield and he laughed and laughed and laughed. Then he said to me, "You passed the test, Syrio Forel! This is Garfield and I just borrowed him from my Magister, Jon Arbuckle. You are the new First Sword. Now let us talk about salary and benefits." That is what you must do Arya. You must see the truth behind things. You must sense before you think. You must be a Myers-Briggs ISTP. Then you will be ready to fight with Needle!

Arya: Cool. I guess we can just continue my training in Winterfell then.

The wooden doors to the Small Hall then shatter open with a bunch of Lannister guards and Ser Meryn Trant of the Kingsguard barging in.

Ser Meryn: Arya, you must come with me at once. Your father needs to see you.

Arya: Sure. Sounds reasonable.

Syrio: Arya, no! Did you not pay attention to anything I said about paying attention to what you see rather than just the words that are said? He says your father wants to see you... but why would your father send Lannister soldiers to fetch you rather than his own?

Ser Meryn: Don't listen to this loser, Arya. I'm a member of the Kingsguard. You can trust the Kingsguard!

Arya: Oh yeah, right. Of course. The same Kingsguard that has Jaime Fucking Lannister in it who murdered my friend Jory. Jaime, a Kingsguard knight whose job it was to guard the king and yet his nickname is "Kingslayer" because he murders they very kings he's supposed to guard.

Ser Meryn: Geez, everyone's a critic. SEIZE HER!

As the Lannister men go in to grab Arya, Syrio jumps forward and defends her.

Guard: Get out of the way, old man!

Syrio: Who are you calling "Old Man?" I am Syrio Forel, the First Sword of Braavos.

Guard: Yeah, and I'm Santey-Claus. And you've got a wooden sword in your hand, so I'm not particularly scared of yo--AGHHH!!!!

Syrio whacks him and breaks his fingers. The other men charge in but Syrio starts beating all of their asses with the wooden sword. She can tell that as badass he was when fighting her - he was actually holding back. This dude is pulling off some matrix-level fighting shit.

Syrio: Now go, Arya! Run to your father!

Arya: Cool, I will. But before I go, do you have any like super witty catchphrases to leave with me? Like something about "There is only one god, and His name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: 'not today'!" or something like that?

Syrio: No, not in the books I don't.

Arya: Damnit!

Arya runs. As she looks back, Syrio is literally killing these Lannisters with wood. But Ser Meryn is in full plate armor and the wooden sword has no effect on him. The last thing Arya sees is Syrio's sword breaking before she turns and runs out of sight for good.

Arya: Oh man. That's kind of an unsatisfactory resolution. We technically never see him die, so there will be fan theories for the rest of time where everyone claims he's going to come back one day.

As she runs, Arya thinks back to the types of things Syrio did say to her though. The less catchy "book" things.

Swift as a deer. Quiet as a shadow. Quick as a snake. Hard as a rock. Calm as still water. Crazy as a June Bug. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Serrated knives cut tomatoes deeper than flat knives. The pen is mightier than the sword. Strong as a bear. Fierce as a wolverine. Laser-eyed as a cyclops. Power-sucking as a rogue. Fear cuts deeper than swords. The man who fears losing has already lost. Man who walk into airplane sideways going to Bangkok. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Fear cuts deeper than swords.

Arya: "Fear cuts deeper than swords." Not a band name... but probably a good song name off the band's first album.

As she runs, she wonders where she should go next. She remembers Syrio's instructions - to do the unexpected. Be random. Run to a dead end. Climb up to the window and peak into the Tower of the Hand. See that the Stark guard is dead. Listen to the fighting in the distance. 

She is no longer hunting the cats. She is the cat being hunted. And if she is caught then she is dead. She must be a fast cat. She must not be that lazy fatass Garfield.

She goes to the stables where she sees Hullen, Winterfell's Master of Horse, laying on the straw and dying. He has been stabbed a shitload of times.

Hullen: Uggh... Arya... girl, is that you? Warn your father! Warn him! The Lannisters!

Arya: Uh, yeah. Okay.

Hullen: And if you see my son, Harwin, who was one of the men that your father sent off with Beric Dondarrian and Thoros of Myr to go hunt the Mountain in the Riverlands... please tell him to not to get caught up in any crazy cult stuff. Like joining some organization called "the Brotherhood without Banners" or anything like that.

Arya: Please Hullen, Westeros is a crazy large place. It's huge. What are the chances that I would just happen to run into your son Harwin, like, two books from now?

Hullen then dies. Arya looks around and sees more dead Stark men. She sees the body of Desmond laying there.

Arya: Oh yeah, Desmond who told me in Chapter 32 that we were safe here in Kings Landing because every Stark solider was as good as ten southern soldiers. Well I don't see ten dead Lannisters laying around for every one dead Stark soldier, do I?  YOU LIAR!!!

Arya kicks Desmond's dead body out of spite.  She then goes feeling around in the hay and finds what she was looking for... her sword, Needle!

Stableboy: Hey you!

A fat stableboy appears.

Arya: Oh, hey there fat stableboy. Help me pack all my shit up so I can run and tell my dad what happened here.

Stableboy: No way! Your dad is dead, girl. And Cersei will pay me a lot of money for catching you. I'm going to be so rich! I can buy so much candy. Because I'm fat.

Arya: SHIT! Now... how do I use this thing Needle thing again? I'm trying to remember how Jon explained it to me...

Arya thinks back, trying to remember...

Jon: Okay, the correct position involves pointing the front foot straight forward, with the back foot at a 90 degree angle to it. The feet should be around 3 feet apart. Bend both legs to allow speedy movement - either for attack or on defense. Never stand stiff or completely upright. And you're going to want to bend the sword arm at about a 45 degree angle towards your opponent. Relax your other arm behind your back to avoid it becoming a target. When moving forward during a sword fight, you're going to always want to move your front foot first, then you back foot. And the reverse holds true when moving backwards - move the back foot first. It sounds a little difficult at first, but eventually you'll get the flow of it.  Now Arya, I want to tell you about the basic three moves - lunge, parry and riposte. The lunge is the primary attack move you'll make when sword fighting.  You extend the sword arm fully, while the back leg remains stationary as the front leg moves forward. There are four primary attacks: high outside, low outside, high inside, and low inside. What you're going to want to do is... 

Arya: No! No! No! That's not what Jon said at all. What did he say again?

Jon: Stick them with the pointy end. 

Arya: Yes! That's it!

She stabs the chubby stableboy in the gut and he just fucking dies. His internal organs pop open like a water balloon and blood flies everywhere, speckling Arya's face with the salty, warm essence of death.

Arya: Brutal.

She thinks about getting on the horse and running, but then remembers that the Lannisters will probably close all the gates to the city and be looking for her. It's too obvious. Fear cuts deeper than swords. She has to do what Syrio told her - the unexpected. She runs off looking for that tunnel she found once before. The one with the dragon skeletons in it. But to get there she has to go through the open area of the Red Keep, where dozens of Lannister soldiers can see her. If she runs they'll spot her and run after her. So she has to play it casual. She has to look cool and like she belongs there. Just blend in. Fear cuts deeper than swords.

Arya hides Needle under her clothes and she walks along and whistles, occasionally pretending to send selfies with dog filters to her friends on Snapchat. Fear cuts deeper than swords.

Lannister Guard 1: Hahaha, look at that! These crazy regular, normal tween girls and their Snapchat! Nothing to be concerned about.

Lannister Guard 2: Hey man, your face is fucked up. It's like you have a chunk of flesh missing from your chin.

Lannister Guard 1: Oh yeah, right. I couldn't find my razor blade this morning when I had to shave. So instead I just used some fear I had laying around because I knew how sharp it was.

Lannister Guard 2: No way! That was stupid. Haven't you heard how dangerous that is? Fear cuts deeper than swords.

Lannister Guard 1: Well, I obviously know that now.

Arya wanders to the royal sept and goes in it. Nobody bats an eye. She then jumps out of a back window. For the next hour or so, she jumps in and out of windows, over walls, and through cellars. Eventually she finds her way back to her super cool dragon skeleton hiding place.

Arya: These things don't even scare me that much anymore. Fear cuts deeper than swords. The crypts in Winterfell were much scarier. There was this one time Robb took me there and when I was down there a spooky ghost popped out from the grave. But it was just Jon covered in a bunch of flour playing a practical joke on me. Ah, I miss Jon. I miss Winterfell. I just want to go home!  Also, Fear cuts deeper than swords. ⚔ 

AGoT 49: Eddard XIV

Ned: Oh man! Another of my chapters already? Fair enough. What am I doing now?

Arya: You're conveniently giving me permission to go out training with Syrio Forel today so that I'm not around the Red Keep when shit goes down in a few minutes.

Ned: Ah yes, right.

Arya leaves. 

Ned: Man. Look at all those Lannister soldiers out there in the courtyards. Dumb asses! Stupid, stupid Cersei. Doesn't she know she should have fled by now? Things are about to go really, really poorly for her. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's people who are totally oblivious to the fact that things are about to go poorly for them and not get out of town when they should.

Sansa: I don't want to leave King's Landing! I want to stay here with my beloved Joffrey!

Ned: You stupid girl, that's a terrible idea.

Sansa: WHHAAAAAA!!! I hate you, daddy! I hate you!

She runs off crying.

Septa Mordane: That darn girl! I'll go bring her back, Lord Stark.

Ned: No, Septa. It's okay. I'll have a conversation with her when I arrive back in Winterfell. Which will happen soon.

Septa Mordane: Yes. Me too. We will both return to Winterfell soon. Alive.

Not long after, Maester Pycelle shows up.

Pycelle: Hey everybody! It's official. The king is dead. Long live the king.

Ned: Wow, I should feel something about that but I actually feel nothing. Like I'm dead on the inside.

Pycelle: As you will soon be on the outside as well.

Ned: Huh?

Pycelle: What? Oh, nothing. Clearing my throat. Would you like some sweet milk?

Ned: FUCK NO. I guess that means I'm Regent and Lord Protector now. My first order is to call a meeting of the Small Council. Now!

Pycelle: What? Really? I had just ordered an escort, so I--

Ned: --Yes. NOW!

Pycelle: Okay, geez. I'll have my servants send out the word.

He does so. 

Selmy is the first to arrive for the summons. 

Barristan Selmy: Ned, I shouldn't be here. Yes, I am on the Small Council but I'm also in charge of the Kingsguard. I should be guarding the new king, Joffrey!

Ned: Pfft, dat ain't no king.

Littlefinger then shows up, wearing the same clothes he was yesterday.

Ned: Dude, what the hell? We don't need to see your walk of shame. Go home and shower.

Littlefinger: What? Oh no, it's not that. I was just up all night plotting.

Varys arrives next. 

Ned: Great. All we need is Renly now and we'll be good to go.

Varys: Uhh... yeah, Ned... about that. That isn't going to happen. Renly is gone. He and Ser Loras Tyrell slipped out of down with all of their men a few hours ago, heading for Storm's End or Highgarden. My spies aren't sure yet.

Ned: Oh man, those two left together? Crazy! What are they? Like best friends or something? They always seem to be hanging out.

The rest of the Small Council look knowingly at each other, but say nothing. Those Winterfell guys are kind of slow and Conservative. Ned is the type of guy who probably wonders why that handsome and nice Anderson Cooper hasn't found the right woman and gotten married yet. 

Ned: Man, I was sure hoping for Renly's support. This kind of sucks. Anyway... Barristan! I will count on you to be the one to open the seal on this writ which names me Lord Protector of the realm until Robert's heir comes of age.

The door then opens. 

Fat Tom: Hey everyone, it's me! Fat Tom! One of the Stark family guards that Arya always makes fun of for being fat. I'm coming with word from the King... he wants you all to show up to the Throne Room... now!

Ned: Hrm. The King does, does he? Sounds more like the work of Cersei to me. Why am I not surprised? That foolish woman should have fled when she had the chance. No matter. I'm perfectly safe and will have the Gold Cloaks on my side. We might as well get going.

And so the Small Council marches to the Throne Room to find Joffrey sitting on the large, pointy Iron Throne. Although there are a bunch of Lannister guards everywhere, Ned isn't worried. He sees that the Gold Cloaks are also there. Littlefinger delivered! 

Joffrey: Well it's about time my Council showed up. Now that I'm king it's time to get to the first order of business... my coronation!

Cersei: Yes, I want it scheduled within a fortnight.

Joffrey: No mom, don't be stupid. It should be scheduled within fourteen days.

Cersei: *sigh* I can already tell this is going to be a long reign.

Joffrey: Next, I demand oaths of fealty from all my counselors.

Ned: Well, I also come here with the King's Will! Varys, if you will be so kind as to deliver Robert's last will and testament to--

But before Varys can do anything, Cersei snatches the will out of Varys's hands and tears it up. 

Ned: WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN?!

Cersei: You think a piece of paper will serve as your shield? Please, Ned. A paper shield is highly unreliable. Yes, paper is made from wood and non-splitting woods such as linden, fir, alder or poplar are a fantastic idea for shields, especially when reinforced with a leather cover such as a buck hide. But paper is just way too thin. See how easily I tore that?

Barristan: Those were the king's orders!!! You can't just tear them up!

Cersei: Yeah, they were the LAST king's orders. We have a new king now. You heard my son, Ned. Oaths of fealty for all!!! Bend the knee now and you get to go home to Winterfell and live happily with your family. I'll forget about everything else. We need not speak of any of it ever again. The past will be forgotten.

Ned: What? You mean like that time you offered to give me a handjob in the godswood?

Everyone in the Throne Room giggles.

Cersei: WHAT?! NO!!! That never happened!

Nobody believes her because everybody knows that sounds exactly like some Cersei shit. 

Ned: That boy has no right to the throne. The true heir is STANNIS!

The Court: *GASP*

Joffrey jumps up angrily. Unfortunatly he doesn't trip and impale himself on one of the Throne swords, which would have been highly satisfying. 

Joffrey: WHAT?! How dare he! Mother!!! What is he talking about?

Cersei: Ser Barristan!!! You have heard what just happened! Ned refuses to bend the knee to the new king. He talks of treason and having Stannis usurp the throne. Arrest him, now!

Barristan: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! I'M SO CONFUSED!

While he hesitates and tries to figure the situation out, Ned's guardsmen quickly come up to protect him. 

Fat Tom: Including me, Fat Tom!

Cersei then nods to her Lannister guards and the Hound. They draw their swords and approach the Stark men.

Ned: Hahaha, nice try, Cersei. But my forces outnumber you by like four to one. You know why? I have the City Watch on my side! Janos Slynt, please order the Gold Cloaks to take the queen and her children into custody.

As the Gold Cloaks all march forward, Ned pulls out his CSI Notebook and writes "case closed" in it, and then closes it shut.

Ned: Please no bloodshed though, Janos. The Queen and her children are not to be harmed. I am no monster.

Janos: Uhh... yeah. Sure. No bloodshed.

One of the City Watch then drives a spear into Fat Tom's back. 

Fat Tom: AGHHH! THAT HURTS! OW! OW! FUUUUCK!

Ned's men turn around and begin to fight. It's not a very long fight though. All of Ned's men are quickly slaughtered and he is surrounded by the Gold Cloaks. 

As Ned stands there confused, Littlefinger comes up from behind and grabs Ned's dagger from his sheath. He then holds it against Ned's neck. 

Walter Donovan: Didn't I tell you not to trust anyone, Dr. Jones?

Littlefinger:  Damnit, Pycelle! That was SUPPOSED to be my line.

AGoT 48: Jon VI

It's breakfast. Jon is eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch. 

Sam: Jon! JON! I have amazing news! I got passed out of training and now I'm to work for Maester Aemon as his new assistant to read and write and play with his birds and shit.

Jon: Oh wow, really? WHAT A TOTAL SURPRISE THAT I DID NOT FORESEE COMING.

Sam: Why are you talking in allcaps?

Jon: How do you know I'm talking in allcaps?

Sam: I'm the narrator of this entire series.

Jon: That's only an unproven fan theory at this time.

Sam: Whatever.  Anyway, we better get to the sept in time so that we can swear our oaths to join the Night's Watch.

They run to the sept. Some of the other dudes are surprised to see Sam but nobody mentions it because this whole thing is already awkward enough. 

Jeor Mormont: Okay, this is it, kiddos. If anyone wants to back away now and not say your oaths - this is your chance. Because once you do the oath you're in. And you're in for life. If you try to leave the Watch then you'll be a traitor and we can kill you. And the gods know that Alliser Thorne probably wants to kill most of you.

But nobody takes up Jeor's offer to back away from the Watch now. Probably because most of them are criminals who will be executed if they don't join. So there's that. Not Jon though - he's joining this thing in a totally voluntary way because he 100% knows for sure that he'd never, ever, EVER try to leave the Watch for any reason at all.

Mormont: Oh shit... I forgot... before I make all of you swear right here in the sept, I better check and make sure you're all actually people who believe in that Faith of the Seven bullshit. Nobody here are Jehovah's Witnesses or anything, right? I assume no, because I don't see any of you standing around street corners or outside of mass transit stations with those signboards.

Jon: Uhhhh....... I follow the Old Gods. You know, the REAL ones that actually exist. I'm going to need to take my oath in front of a tree with a bleeding face carved into it because that obviously makes sense.

Sam: And I'm a Buddhist. But that "swearing to a tree" shit sounds like some badass druid metal stuff. So I'll go with Jon.

Mormont: Well, okay then. Before we go to the swearing in stuff... it's time for everybody's favorite part of the initiation... the NIGHT'S WATCH DRAFT!!!!

The lights dim and a disco ball drops, filling the room with momentary sparkles. The lights go back up and we now see the announcer's table set up.

Mike Tirico: This is Mike Tirico here, alongside Shaquille O'Neal. And we're here to announce the 298 AC Night's Watch Draft.

Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.

Mike Tirico: And as we'll all heard by now, the Rangers have won the lottery to have the first pick of the draft.  Lord Commander Mormont is already up at the podium, ready to announce the pick. Let's go to him now.

Mormont: And for the first pick of the 298 AC Night's Watch Draft, the Rangers select... Grenn!!!

Grenn jumps up and pumps his fists in the air. He walks up and Mormont hands him a Rangers jersey which is, obviously, black like all other jerseys in the Night's Watch. 

Mike Tirico: Wow! An amazing upset here, folks. I think a lot of people were predicting Jon Snow as the first pick, but it instead goes to "Aurochs" Grenn. Any thoughts on this, Shaq?

Shaq: Turn off your pain... with Icy Hot!

And so the draft continues. With Pyp, Todder, and Matthar also going to the Rangers; Halder and Albett being selected by the Builders; Allen Iverson going to the Philadelphia 76ers; and Sam, Dareon, and Jon going to the Stewards.

Jon: WHAT?! The STEWARDS?! THE FUCKING STEWARDS?! No way! I refuse to sign with them. This is a conspiracy against me! I know Thorne must be behind this.

Pyp: Oh geez, Jon. Don't be a little bitch like Eli Manning when he got picked by the Chargers. Nobody is going to respect you.

Bowen Marsh: Okay everybody, you heard who picked you. Now go take up your new assignments. Sam, you're replacing Chett Duke as Maester Aemon's new bitch boy. Chett is now demoted to the kennels.

Chett: Golly-gee! I'm going to be spending all my time groomin' Sheriff Roscoe P. Coletrane's lazy basset hound, Velvet Ears! But it's okay. That ol' hound really likes us Duke boys and is always barkin at Boss Hogg. That's one smart hound, if I do say so myself!

Clydas: Aww, I'm going to miss you, Chett! You must be pretty angry at Sam taking your job from you.

Chett: That's right! I'm mighty angry! It really dills my pickle. In about two books or so, I'll swear to get my revenge on that Samwell Tarley!

Chett then spits his chew into an old jar and it goes "ding."

Bowen Marsh: Oh, and some other assignments. Dareon the Singer, you're being sent to Eastwatch to help out Cotter Pyke. And Jon Snow... you're to be Lord Mormont's personal steward.

Dareon: Sweet! I'm an important enough of a character to have my specific assignment mentioned in this chapter. I'm obviously going to be super relevant in the stories to come!

He won't. You won't hear from him again until A Feast for Crows.

Dareon: Damnit!

Jon: This is such bullshit! Steward? Steward? Really? Does the Night's Watch take me for some kind of shitty servant?

Sam: Hey, I'm a Steward and I'm standing right here, man.

Maester Aemon then shows up, being all boss. 

Aemon: I might be blind, but I'm not deaf. I heard that, Snow. You're asking if we take you for a servant? No. We took you for a MAN who would nut up and do what he was told. But maybe we were wrong. Perhaps the Stewards should trade you to the Denver Nuggets.

Jon: Uhm, nah. That's okay.

Jon still storms out, complaining about the pick. In the yard, he's still bitching about it when Sam walks up to him.

Jon: Life sucks. What am I supposed to do? Wipe Mormont's butt for him and fetch his food? I'm the best swordsman here. I should be a Ranger!

Sam: Jon, you dumb little shit. Don't you see what's happening here? Mormont is the Lord Commander. He personally picked you to be by his side! To see all the messages he gets. To be there when he makes decisions. To be there when he gives the orders. You'll be everywhere with him. You're going to be his main man.  Back when my dad still wanted me to be  his heir, that's what he had me do. He made me come along to all his stupid meetings and be by him. He was training me! But then he gave up on me and didn't care if I came with him anymore.  Mormont isn't making you his lackey... he's preparing you!

Jon: Preparing me for what?

Sam: Duh. To take his place... to be the next Lord Commander one day!

Jon is shocked. He never thought about that. Because he's a fucking dumbass. 

Jon: Sam... you're... you're... right. I'm such a fool. Come on, let's go to the woods and swear our oaths now and I'll stop being such an annoying, whiny bitch.

Sam: Unlikely.

Jon: Huh?

Sam: I didn't say anything.

They head off to the haunted woods, north of the Wall. To get there, they go through a twisting tunnel through the Wall protected by three different gates that Bowen Marsh has to unlock. After they are out, they still have to ride a bit longer until they get to the weirwoods. 

Sam: I'm scared.

Jon: Of course you are, you craven bastard. What are you scared of this time? Heart disease?

Sam: Wildlings!

Jon: Wildlings never come this close to the Wall. They know better. Besides, I brought Ghost with me. He'll protect us.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I am hungry. I can't wait to find something to eat].

They reach the woods and kneel down before a weirwood tree. 

Jon and Sam: Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. Like if I get stabbed and die but am somehow magically brought back to life then it's okay for me to leave because I technically died. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sex with Wildling girls. I just won't marry them or have kids with them. It's a technicality. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. Probably. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. Maybe metaphorically a sword or maybe more literally like the living personification of Lightbringer or something like that. But probably just metaphorically. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the sand in the hourglass, the spoon that stirs the honey in the hot tea, the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp Ba Bomp Ba Bomp and who put the Ram in the Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. Play ball.

Bowen March: Now rise, as MEN of the Night's Watch. Also, I see you guys added a couple of ad-libs in there but I'm going to let it slide because it's really fucking cold and I want to get heading back now.

But as they are about to turn and leave, Ghost comes running up with something in his mouth.

Jon: Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You get a squirrel, Ghost? Huh? You get a rabbit?

Ghost wags his tail and drops his catch at the feet of his master. 

It's a human hand. 

Jon: Oh wow.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: So I can eat this, right?]

AGoT 47: Eddard XIII

Ned is asleep and dreaming about walking though the crypt under Winterfell. The statues of the long-dead Kings of the North watch him through their creepy eyes and they all have direwolves with them too.  

Ned: Oh man, super weird. But also a good reminder that the rulers in Winterfell weren't always "Wardens of the North," but used to be "Kings in the North" and were independent of the crown when there truly were seven kingdoms. Just a fun fact for you. A bit foreshadowing though. Like that particular plot point is worth remembering in the near future.

Ned them comes up to the graves of his father, brother and sister. 

Lyanna: Promise me, Ned. Promise me!

Ned: Sweet, another Lyanna dream that's vague and lacking context about the promise.

Ned then wakes up from someone knocking on his door.

Steward: Ned, the king demands your presence!

Ned: He can waddle his fat ass to me if he wants to see me that bad.

Steward: Yeah, that's really not going to work.

Ned: Hrm, intriguing and vague like my dreams. I'm fascinated.

Ned follows the steward to  Maegor's Holdfast - the super fortified "castle within the castle" at the center of the Red Keep that holds the King's bedchamber. Ser Barristan Selmy is standing guard outside the chamber and the look on his face tells Ned that some seriously wrong shit has gone down.

Ned heads inside to see that bitch Cersei, Maester Pycelle, and Renly all standing around the King, who is laying in bed and groaning. The room smells like rotting flesh.

Ned: Oh shit Robert, I told you about those funky feet of yours. Dude, you need some Gold Bond.

As he gets closer, he sees that it's not Robert's feet but his decaying, puss-filled flesh around his chest. There are bandages and blankets all over Robert, but they are stained with putrid blood. 

Ned: Ah. I see.

Renly: It was a wild boar. It got him!

Robert: Damn that boar! I can't believe I missed my thrust and he gored me. I was drinking too much wine.

Ned: Gross! Let me see.

Ned lifts up some blankets covering him and sees the bandages that go from groin to nipple.

Ned: Oh dude, you are going to die.

Cersei: What? Is he? OH NO! My poor, poor husband. I'm so sad! I'm so, so... sa... ahhahaha, oh man. I can't even fake it anymore.

Robert: Shut up, woman! Everyone out of here! Now! I need to speak with Ned alone.

Pycelle: Not before I give you some more milk of the poppy for your pain.

The king slaps the opium from Pycelle's hand. 

Robert: Get that shit out my face. I'm already high as fuck. I don't want to spend the rest of my short-ass life sleeping.

Everyone leaves except for Ned. 

Ned: Damnit Robert, why do you have to be so headstrong? Taking on that boar.

Robert: Shut up, bro. I killed the thing though. In the end. I got it.

Ned: Yeah, congrats. A fat lot of good that's going to do.

Robert: *sigh*... You know, this is probably the milk of the poppy talking, but you were right, Ned. About that Targaryen girl, I mean. I shouldn't have sent people to kill her. I mean kill a little girl? What was I thinking? I had a bunch of yes men around me telling me that it was a good idea. The only one who balled up and disagreed with me was you.

Ned: Indeed, I am awesome.  But you can't die, man. The kingdom needs you!

Robert: Pffft, forget that. I was a terrible king. You know it.

Ned: Not as bad as Mad King Aerys though.

Robert: True, true. At least I'll have that. Now pull out a pen and paper. I need you to write up my last will and testament.

Ned: Aiiii'ght.

Robert: I, Robert Baratheon, First of My Name and King of the Andals and all that other shit. You know all those titles, Ned. Write them down. Anyway, I hereby do appoint Eddard Stark to serve as Lord Regent and Protector of the Seven Kingdoms until my son, Joffrey, comes of age.

Ned: Uhh... Robert... about that... you know how I said we needed to talk about something important before you left? Well...

Ned then thinks about it for a bit. Is he REALLY going to tell a dying man that his wife was cheating on him with her OWN BROTHER and that his son isn't really his son - but instead a gross-ass child of incest that for some reason doesn't have flippers for arms and like country music?  No, Ned decides. He should just let Robert die in peace in ignorance to that fact. It won't matter anyway. 

Robert: Well, speak up you damn fool! Do you have something to say?

Ned: Ahhh, nah. It's all good. Like you said, "I hereby do appoint Eddard Stark to serve as the Lord Regent and Protector until my heir comes of age."

Ned snickers at that, knowing that Stannis is Ned's rightful heir and he's already of age. Ned knows his regency is going to be a short one. REALLY FUCKING SHORT.

Robert: Okay, now hand it to me and I'll sign it. Oh, and also rescind the order on killing that Targaryen girl.

Robert gives a weak, pathetic signature on the document. Ned then opens the door to let everyone else back in. Everyone who was there before comes back in, except for Cersei who is long gone. 

Ned: Hahaha, good. She better start running!

Robert: Now Renly, Pycelle... watch as the wax of my seal is applied to this last will and testament. You will serve as the very trustworthy witnesses to prove that this is a legitimate will.

Renly: Sure!

Renly says as he gets on his iPhone and looks at plane tickets to get the fuck out of Kings Landing, ASAP. 

Pycelle: Absolutely!

Pycelle says as he gets on his iPhone texts Cersei everything that is happening. 

Robert: Then it is done. Pycelle, give me that milk of the poppy now. I will dream. I promise to say hello to Lyanna for you, Ned. After I'm done nailing her ghost! Hahaha, you know what I mean.

Ned: Gross, that's my dead sister, man.

Robert: And protect my children, Ned! Protect them!

Ned: Uhh.... suuuuuuure?

Ned kind of feels bad since he's totally not going to do that. But he convinces himself that he's not lying by assuring himself that he'll protect all of Robert's REAL children - his bastards like Gendry, Edric Storm, and Mya Stone. 

Pycelle gives the king the opium and Robert soon fades to sleep.

Pycelle: There, I have done all I can for him. His wounds had already mortified before he got here. He's a dead man.

Renly: He killed that boar though. Even with his guts hanging out. It was sick AF. I recorded a video of it to post on Rotten.Com. Because this book is from the 1990's that's still a relevant thing.

Ned: Robert was never one to leave a battle with his enemy still standing. Plus that fat ass probably really wanted some bacon.

Ned goes to the door. 

Ned: Ser Barristan, the King is not to be disturbed by anyone. You hear me?

Barristan: *sniff*... This is my fault. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't.

Ned: Now, now. Robert didn't blame you at all. How can you protect the king against himself? Besides, he blamed the wine.

Barristan: Oh yeah, he was DRUNK. Crazy drunk.

Varys: Ah, yes he was. And I wonder who gave him all that wine!

Ned: Varys?!?! When the hell did you enter this scene?

Varys: Just now!

Ned: SELMY!!! Didn't I just tell you that nobody was to disturb the King? Like, you know you're supposed to watch guard here or something. And yet you still let Varys just randomly appear like that and be here.

Barristan: He kind of does that. Anyway... to get back to the plot point being raised here. Why... the man who gave Robert all the wine was his squire - Lancel LANNISTER!

Ned: Hrm...

Ned writes that in the CSI Notebook.

Ned: Oh, and eunich... Robert orders that the Targaryen girl is not to be murdered.

Varys: *sigh*... The birds to order her execution have already been flown. But I suppose new birds can be sent out. Good luck with that. It's probably already too late.

Ned then leaves, to go attend to important matters of being the Regent. And he also needs to make sure his daughters are taken out of town ASAP. But Renly catches up with him. 

Renly: Hey man! I'm guessing my brother's will named you as the Regent, huh?

Ned: Yep.

Renly: Great! Now is the time to strike! I can offer you 100 loyal swords. We take the Red Keep and seize those stupid children. Maybe do what Richard III did with his brother's kids, if you know what I mean.

Ned: WHAT? Your brother isn't even dead yet and you're already plotting? No way. Besides, Robert might still yet live. Sometimes the gods are merciful.

Renly: Somehow I figured you'd say some dumb shit like that.

Renly goes back to his phone and clicks "Purchase" on those flights he was looking at.

Renly: See ya never.

Renly runs off and Ned returns to the Hand of the Tower. There he orders his servants to help arrange for the ship to take Sansa and Arya back to Winterfell. He wonders if he should have accepted Renly's offer though. He'll need every man he can get.

Ned: Oh, and while you're sailing back... do you mind taking a quick pit stop at Dragonstone to deliver this message to Stannis?

Ned hands over a sealed letter that says FOR STANNIS'S EYES ONLY.  It's just a little message about how the King's children are incest bastards and how Stannis is the rightful heir. His servant nods and takes the letters away. What is his servant's name? It doesn't matter at this point... all these people will be dead in a few chapters anyway. 

Ned: What was that, narrator?

Nothing. 

Littlefinger then walks in the room. 

Ned: DAMNIT! Why are you always showing up here, Baelish?

Littlefinger: Actually, this time you sent a summon for me to come.

Ned: Oh yeah, right.

Littlefinger: Congrats on being named Lord Regent and Protector of the Realm though.

Ned: SHIT! How did you know that already?

Littlefinger: Dude, I know everything.

Ned: Oh yeah? Well I know something you didn't! The reason JON ARRYN WAS MURDERED!

DUN DUNNN DUNNNNNN!!!!!

Littlefinger: Because he worked out that Cersei's children were really products of incest sex with her brother Jaime?

Ned: GODDAMNIT, BAELISH! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT TOO? Or... wait... have you always known?

Littlefinger: Maybe?

Ned: I intend to offer the throne to Stannis, the rightful heir.

Littlefinger: Yeah, you could do that, I suppose. OORRRRR.... now here me out here... just listen to this slightly alternative proposal... you could NOT do that and instead offer the throne to Joffrey and pretend you never figured out any of this incest stuff.

Ned: WHAT?! I would never do that! It would be dishonorable! It's not the truth.

Littlefinger: Oh, I hear you. I hear you, Ned. It would indeed be a slight upon your "honor." But let's add a little nuance to this whole "honor" thing, shall we? Let's say you tell everyone the truth. Then what happens? The kingdom is plunged into war. Obviously the Lannisters won't give up the claim easily. Stannis will seek the head of Cersei and execute the innocent children. Lord Tywin Lannister will obviously march on Kings Landing. And you know who will side with him? A TON OF PEOPLE. Nobody likes Stannis. And I mean NOBODY. Just think about all the people who sided with the Targaryens in the war. Do you think they like Stannis after how he fought them and killed all of them? Nope. They'll all easily pick team Lannister.  The end result of telling the truth will be a bloody civil war that kills THOUSANDS. The countryside will run red with blood. Boys not yet grown to men will be put in armor and fight on battlefields to uselessly die based on the fact that it was one dude's sperm put inside of a woman's cooch rather than another man's sperm. Raiders will storm villages and rape and kill civilians. Now... let's instead suggest that you DON'T tell the truth. Instead you make peace with the Lannisters, have your kids marry their kids, and BAM... peace! Nobody dies! And you're the Lord Protector of the Realm and essentially get to control the child king and rule in his place. And you know what? Even if we do all that, it's not like we're stuck with them for life. We will always know the truth and can whip the truth out later and a point that's convenient. Like a year from now we can pretend that we JUST learned the truth about the parentage at a time we're prepared and able to make sure that the kingdom won't plunge into hellish war. Then we can quickly install Stannis or whoever on the throne. Hell, nobody likes Stannis so we could make it Renly if we wanted.

Ned: NO! That would be dishonorable!

Littlefinger: Is that your final answer? That's what you're going with? You say that the "honorable" thing to do is to plunge the kingdom into civil war that will last for years and kill thousands of innocents? Instead of preserving the peace and using the knowledge we already have at a later point where we can still oust the Lannisters and you can still have revenge for the murder of Jon Arryn, Jory Cassel and the attempted assassination of your son Bran?

Ned: Yes.

Littlefinger: Okay, but I just want to point out here to everyone that always writes about how I'm the mega-villain in this series who does the most evil, twisted stuff that it was I, Petyr Baelish, who at this point in time proposed a well-thought-out plan that would essentially save the lives of everyone who is about to die. It is Littlefinger who pleaded and begged for a way to prevent a war. So, you know, remember this speech, right here. Remember what I tried to do. Remember that every single character death of people you love after Book I, Chapter 47 could have been avoided if Ned simply listened to Littlefinger and did what Littlefinger suggested.

Ned: Who are you talking to?

Littlefinger: It's called an aside, Ned. You're not supposed to mention fourth-wall shit like that.

Ned: Littlefinger... you promised to protect my wife, Cat. Well now it's time to make good with that promise. Help protect her by making sure the City Watch sides with me when I reveal this all to the court! When I reveal the truth!

Littlefinger: *sigh*... I tried.  Yeah, suuuuure, Ned. I'll do that.

Ned: Good! And I like the way you honestly and non-sarcastically committed to be on my side for this.

Ned then thinks about something someone once said about not trusting anyone, but he can't remember the context or who said it. So he shrugs it off. 

AGoT 46: Daenerys V

Dany sits town at the table for a snack. 

Dany: Gosh, I am FAMISHED. You know us pregnant ladies, right? Always hungry! And with these strange cravings for stuff like ketchup on mashed potatoes or pickled beets and eggs.  I wonder what tasty snack Drogo's slaves have prepared for me as part of this pregnancy ritual.

The slave throws a raw, bloody, still-steaming stallion's heart on her plate. 

Dany: Oh.

Dany tries to eat it. But it's all chewy, stringy and gross. Still, she knows she has to. It's, like, a Dothraki tradition or something. It's as important to Dothraki culture as boneless, skinless, unseasoned chicken breast is to white people culture. If she throws it up that would be a bad omen and would indicate that her child might be born with some horrible, insurmountable difficulty in life like being weak, crippled, or a woman. 

Dany: Wow, that is SEXIST AF.  Also, does anyone have some HP sauce? Or maybe some Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ?

Khal Drogo stands over her, staring at her while she eats it. Although the Dothraki know that Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ is delicious, is also forbidden in this particular ceremony. His eyes are stern and focused but he says nothing. 

Dany: That's cool, honey. Just stare right into my soul as I do this. That's not creepy or unnerving.

She eventually finishes it all, and then recites some words in Dothraki that she was supposed to say.

Here in Vaes Dothrak, the town is essentially run by a bunch of old crones who used to be wives of Khals. Once the Khals die, the wives are forced to come here as part of the Khal corporate retirement package. It's non-negotiable. The crones really have nothing to do other that sit around fires and talk about prophesies and omens. So the crones watch as Dany finishes and recites her words. She ate it all with the exception of some blood smeared on her face that makes her look like Bear Grylls. The crones confer with one another to determine if Dany did a good enough job of eating the heart. Since Dany didn't throw up and said her words right...

Crones: It's a boy!

Everyone freaks out and celebrates like that's the best news ever.

Dany: Still sexist and probably not the most accurate form of sex determination. Could we get an ultrasound or something else instead?

Crones: He will be the Stallion that Mounts the World! The great prophesied one!

Dany: Well, I guess if everyone is certain it's a boy I'll go ahead with my planned boy name: Rhaego.

Drogo: Me husband to Dan Ares very pleased by heart eating but also confused. What does "Ray Go" mean?

Dany: Oh dear honey, thanks so much for trying to speak in my language. It's so cute but you sounds like a 4 year old and you're the one in this relationship who is the pedophile, not me. And "Rhaego" is named after my older brother, Rhaegar. He was a fierce and awesome warrior.

Drogo: But "Go" part of "Ray Go" still named after me, Dro Go, right?

Dany: Sure, let's go ahead and say "yes."

Drogo: I like. It good name. Especially "Go" part. Now Dan Ares wife and Dro Go husband talk about middle name. Dro Go like "Alex" but could be okay with "Henry."

Dany: Let's save that conversation for later, babe.

Dany then heads into the Womb of the World, which is really just a white trash above-ground pool from Walmart. But when you call it "Womb of the World" it sounds mystical and like an important part of the birthing ritual. There she cleans herself off from all that horse blood and otherwise gets ready. 

When she comes out she sees her husband standing there with a hard-on. He grabs her and in three pulses he's finished. 

Dany: Hahaha, not the first time that's happened. Guess eating bloody horse hearts really turns you on?

Drogo: Dro Go take nap now.

Dany: Typical.

Later they ride down to a feast in honor of the baby. As they ride, people all celebrate the child growing in Dany. Dany dismounts and gets ready for dinner. 

Dany: Hey, where the hell is my brother anyway?

Jorah: Viserys is probably out getting drunk and crying right now, as he has been doing the last several days because he is pathetic.

Dany: Oh no! He went out alone without your protection? But you know that usurper to the Iron Throne has sent out men to kill us! He could be in danger.

Jorah: Who cares? Uhhh.... I mean Viserys is safe, Khaleesi. In this city no man can carry a sword and no blood is allowed to be shed. And by the way, the nuances in that last sentence were very important for the end of this chapter so make sure you treat them with the proper regard they deserve.

Dany: My brother can still die without swords. Haven't you seen those crazy giant eunuchs? They say that those silk scarves they wear are to strangle people to death with. Then BAM - you got a dead person with no sword and no blood shed.

Jorah: Hey, if that happens it happens. Viserys is a punk. You know I caught him trying to steal your dragon eggs. He wanted to sell them to merchants in order to raise money for his army.

Dany: WHAT?! Oh no! That's terrible. If he wanted to sell one of my dragon eggs then he should have just asked.  I would have given it to him. I mean they're pretty to look at but they're essentially fancy paper weights, right? They don't do anything. It's not like they are alive eggs that could actually hatch baby dragons.  Viserys is family and family is important to me. I would never betray family. Ever. Especially not by the end of this chapter.

Jorah: That's all fine and well, Khaleesi. But Viserys is not your family anymore. The Dothraki are your family.

Dany: Jorah, that's not how families work.

Drogo arrives and they sit, the feast beginning. 

Dany: Mmm, no offense but that horse heart stuff was nonsense. I'm about to chow down on this real food. But hey husband, let's have some small talk while we feast. Who is this "Horse that Mounts the World" that everyone was talking about?

Drogo: He most powerful Khal in history. Khal of all Khals. Ray Go will unite all Dothraki and conquer all world.

Dany: Oh shit, that's a pretty high expectation for our kid. I was hoping for maybe a doctor or something. So I guess we should already be thinking about Little League?

Doreah (Remember? Dany's sex instructor) then interrupts. 

Doreah: Hey Dany, look over there. Your stupid brother just arrived, drunk and fighting people.

Viserys: Get out of The Dragon's way, you filthy savage scum! How dare you start this feast before the Dragon arrives! The Dragon is the King!

Dany: *sigh*

Viserys then tries to sit with the other Khals at the big high table, but they block him. 

Viserys: What the hell? The Dragon is the KING! He will sit at the highest spot and all will bow to him!

Drogo: No. Cart King sit over there. Not here.

Drogo points to the table at the back of the room where the people who were invited out of formality (but weren't expected to actually show up) are always put together. You know, like the people at a wedding that get a sympathy invite but the unwritten context is "please don't come" and yet they're not smart enough to get that and RSVP anyway. Yep, Viserys is at the "old friends from work" table.

Viserys pulls out his sword. 

Viserys: The Dragon will sit at the big table with the important people! The Dragon was promised a crown! We had a deal here. The Dragon's sister for a crown and army. If Khal Smelly here doesn't give The Dragon a crown then The Dragon will take back what he gave him!

He grabs onto his Dany and points his sword at her belly. 

Viserys: The Dragon doesn't need this gross barbarian baby though. The Dragon would be happy to cut it out and give it to the Khal.

Drogo stares intensely but his Westerosi tongue isn't all that good. Viserys was speaking fast and slurred in his drunkenness, so Drogo stares at Jhiqui to translate for him.

Jhiqui: Whoa, whoa, whoaaaaah! Look. I am GLAD I am in this chapter and haven't been completely forgotten about since my role is the translator and yet everyone else seems to translate instead of me. But I am NOT translating that. Drogo will cut my head off if I repeat what this guy said.

Dany: I can translate instead.

Dany tells her husband what her brother said. Drogo nods and listens attentively.

Drogo: Hrm. Really? What? No! Oh... I see. Well.... Dro Go understand what Sore Foot King and Cart King has to say. Deal is deal and Khal Dro Go give you crown.

Viserys: THANK YOU! That's all the Dragon ever wanted!

Drogo: If by "crown" Cart King mean molten hot gold that I pour on head.

Viserys: Yeah, sure. That sounds fi-HEEEEEEEEEEEY! Wait a minute!

The Khal's bloodriders surround Viserys and hold him down. They break his arm and take his sword. They ready a hot pot (but not the delicious soup kind). 

Drogo begins to take off all his gold chains that he won when he bested Mr. T in a battle. He throws them in the pot and they melt down like Velveeta (IT'S LIQUID GOLD, PEOPLE!).  The bloodriders put on some oven mitts to hold onto the pot and then pour it on Viserys's head. 

Viserys: AGHHH! AGHHH! NO!!! THE DRAGON CAN'T DIE! THE DRAGON IS AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER! EVERYBODY LOVES THE DRAGON SPEAKING IN THIRD PERSON! AGHHHH!!

Drogo: See? Vaes Dothrak technicality. We make rule for no killing that say no sword and no blood. But we no use sword and hot metal immediately cauterize wound meaning no blood. Heat cause coagulation that make no bleed with trade off of massive tissue damage and in this case death. It called "loop hole" in no kill rule.

Dany: Wow honey, I'm so proud of how your common tongue is coming along. "Cauterize" and "coagulation" are pretty fancy words.

Doreah: Shouldn't you be sadder about your brother having his face melted off in front of you?

Dany: Meh. He was no real dragon. Real dragons can't be killed by fire!

Jhiqui: That wasn't fire though. That was gold heated to above 1337 Kelvin.

Dany: 1337? Really, Jhiqui?  Do you translate leetspeak as well?

Jhiqui: LOLZ. \/1$3r'/$ got pwnd.

Dany: Never do that again.

Jhiqui: Yes, Khaleesi. My apologies.