AGoT 39: Eddard X

Ned is under the influence of the milk of the poppy and is tripping balls. But the milk of the poppy also allows Ned to remember the past really, really well. Who needs the damn Three-Eyed Crow to send you to the past when you can just take some poppy? 

Tower of Joy, Dorne, 15 Years Ago near the end of Robert's Rebellion... 

Ned Stark, Howland Reed, Lord Willam Dustin, Ethan Glover, Martyn Cassel (Jory's father), Theo Wull, and Ser Mark Ryswell all ride up to the tower. It is defended by three member of the Kingsguard - Lord Commander Ser Gerold Hightower, Ser Arthur Dayne, and Ser Oswell Whent.   These are no ordinary three men. All three are regarded as some of the greatest knights to ever live. Especially Arthur Dayne, known as "the Sword of the Morning," and bearing the mighty and famous ancestral blade - Dawn. It was supposedly forged from the heart of a fallen star. Which really sounds like some kind of Prince-that-was-Promised-related type of prophecy shit. 

Ned: Surrender now. I know my sister Lyanna is up in that Tower.

Gerold Hightower: Nah.

Ned: Hey, why exactly are three members of the Kingsguard guarding this random tower in Dorne anyway? Mad King Aerys II is dead, killed by Jaime. His son Rhaegar is dead, killed by Robert. Rhaegar's son Aegon is dead, killed by The Mountain. Why exactly are you guarding this place? Shouldn't a group called the "Kingsguard" only guard the king? There is clearly no king in this tower. 

Arthur Dayne: Yeah, you'd think that. Wouldn't you?

Ned: Just bend the knee already. You have no king left to serve. Everyone else has bent the knee.  

Dayne: So are we going to fight or what?

They fight. It's seven on three... but the three people are totally kickass. Eventually the only three left standing are Ned, Howland Reed, and Ser Arthur Dayne.

*stab*

Correction - now it's just Ned and Howland.  Ned runs up the tower to check on his sister, but in this fever dream we skip the specifics of what happened in the middle between that. Which is a REALLY IMPORTANT part to skip. You know, like maybe Rhaegar and Lyanna being in love and having a child together. A child that was be heir to the Iron Throne and hence legally the King, thus proving the point that the Kingsguard were actually guarding the King. 

Lyanna: Promise me, Ned. Promise me!  

Ned: Oh shit! I'm awake now.

Vayon Poole: It's about time. You've been asleep six days. King Robert has commanded that you come and see him as soon as you wake up.

Ned: Well, I'm drowsy and weak and I have a broken leg, so I don't think that is going to happen. But if the King wants to come to me...

Vayon: Wow, so you think you're cool enough you can just summon kings to you, huh?

Ned: Whatever. Have Jory come in and give me an update on everything that's happened. 

Vayon: Uhh... dude, Jory is dead.

Ned: SHIT, that's right! Fuuuuuuuuck. Okay. Have... whoever the new captain of my guard is update me. 

And so Vayon brings in Alyn, who is not important enough to even get a last name. 

Alyn: So Ned, uh... hey. Some quick updates. Jaime Lannister has fled the city. I've put extra guards around to protect you and your family. Your little girls haven't been allowed to leave here for their safety. The bodies of Jory, Heward, and Wyl have been given to the silent sisters to be taken up to Winterfell, and--

Ned: *SNORE*

Alyn: Damn, this dude wasn't even listening. I get no respect, no respect I tell you!

Ned dreams of Jory's father, Martyn, again dying at the battle at the Tower of Joy. Unlike Jory, Martyn's body was not taken back to Winterfell. Ned ordered the Tower of Joy knocked down and its stones used to mark the graves of the dead from the battle. They were laid to rest right there in Dorne.

The next thing Ned knows, he's being woken up again by Vayon Poole. 

Vayon: Hey man, the King is here. Along with the Queen. Wake your ass up.

Ned: Shit, he brought Cersei? This can't be good. Well, let them in and everyone else leave. We have big boy stuff to talk about. 

Vayon lets King Robert and Queen Cersei through the door. All the Stark men leave. 

Robert: Ned, Ned, Ned. Goddamnit, man. Do you know what your fucking wife has done?

Ned: Yeah, she took Tyrion as a captive. But she's blameless. Everything she does was on behalf of my authority as the Hand. The buck stops here.

Robert: The Hand's job is to KEEP THE PEACE. And yet seven men are dead now because of you. 

Cersei: Eight, actually. Another one of my men just died from his wounds. 

Robert: Whatever, bitch. Ned, this is horseshit. I order you to have your wife release Tyrion.

Ned: Really? Really? You expect me to do that when Jaime Lannister just BUTCHERED three of my men in my face to chastise me?

Cersei: That's not what happened! Ned and his men were drunk and coming back from a brothel when they attacked my innocent brother. Honest!

Ned: You really going to believe her? You know me better than that, Robert. Ask Littlefinger, he'll tell the truth.

Robert: Well, Littlefinger did say you were coming from a brothel.

Ned: You know what I was doing there, Robert? Visiting YOUR DAUGHTER. You remember, right? You knocked up a 15 year old girl and she had a kid named "Barra." 

Robert: What?! BARRA? Really?! I thought that girl would have a little more common sense than that. 

Ned: Yes, 15 year old whores are famously renowned for their common sense.

Cersei: How dare you allow this man to speak to you like this, Robert! Can you imagine some dude talking to a Targaryen in the mocking way he's talking to you? 

Robert: WHAT? You think I look like the Mad King? I'm nothing like Aerys.

Cersei: Damn right you're nothing like him. He ACTED like a king. If someone had insulted his wife's brothers like Ned has just insulted my brothers, he would have done something about it. Instead you just meekly act like a little bitch. Honestly, I should be the one wearing the crown and you wearing the dress.

Robert won't allow that shit though, and he slaps the hell out of Cersei. She runs out of the room with a black eye. 

Cersei: I will wear these wounds like a badge of honor!

Robert: Ugh. You see what this ho does to me, Ned? I can't stand her. Still, I shouldn't have hit her. Beating women is wrong.

Ned: I think with her we can make an exception.

Robert: Hahaha, damn right. Fist bump, bro! And make it explode!

They do so. 

Ned: Now, Robert. There is something I must talk to you about. And it's good that Cersei is gone. This is very, very important. It's why I was at the brothel to see your daughter. I've been doing some investigation and I've learned that--

Robert: --UGH... Talking, talking, talking! So boring! All I've heard is talking. Let's talk later, Ned. I was just on my way out of Kings Landing to go hunting. We can wait to talk until when I get back from the hunt. 

Ned: Uhm... but you're here right now. I don't see why you can't just let me finish my sentence about this super important thing I need to tell you. 

Robert: ENOUGH, Ned! Whatever it is you want to talk to me about, we can talk about when I'm back from this perfectly safe hunting trip that I'm going to go on, surrounded by dozens upon dozens of Lannisters. 

Ned: I won't even be here when you're back. Remember I resigned as the Hand of the King? By the time you're back from hunting I'll be on the Kingsroad going home to Winterfell. 

Robert: Yeaaaahhhhh... about that...

Robert takes out the Hand of the King badge and throws it back on Ned's lap. 

Robert: You are the Hand of the King and I forbid you to leave, by order of myself... the King.

Ned: Why would you want me as your Hand if you won't even listen to my advice? 

Robert: Someone had to run the Kingdom when I'm out. And I swear to the gods, if you take that thing off again I will pin it on Jaime Lannister. 

Ned: Fair enough. Can you help hand me my little book there though, Robert? And the pen. I can't reach that stuff with my broken leg.

Robert goes over and picks up Ned's CSI Notebook and pen, which had been left on a nearby table. He hands them over, while looking confused. Ned turns to the very last page of the book and begins writing.

Ned: On this last page I leave notes to myself about very important future conversations that will definitely happen FOR SURE. So far there is only one bullet, which reads "Talk to Jon Snow about true identity of his mother," which I promised him that I'd do when I saw him again. Right under it I am now writing bullet two, which reads "Talk with King Robert about my investigations after he gets back safe and alive from hunting trip."