Stupid, annoying Sansa just can't believe that her father didn't send Ser Loras to fight The Mountain.
Sansa: My dad is an idiot! The Knight of Flowers is the most handsome and brave knight. He should have been the one to go! He's just like all the handsome heroes in the songs.
Jeyne Poole: No way. Beric Dondarrion was the right pick. Beric is so handsome and gallant.
Sansa: What? Beric? EWW! Gross! He's sooooo old. He's ALMOST 22!
That's right. Sansa really called a 21 year old character "old."
Sansa: But whatever. Forget all that Mountain stuff. I want to tell you about this dream I had. Well, it isn't actually a dream because it was just something I made up in my head as a fantasy. But I feel cooler calling it a dream. Joffrey went out hunting and caught up with the white stag in the woods. He's so much better than his stupid, old, drunk, fat father. He's so noble and handsome!
Jeyne: Oh, so Joffrey touched the white stag? Because in those stories the gallant knight always touches the stag and lets it go on its way.
Sansa: No. Joffrey killed it in my dream. Because Joffrey really, really likes killing. He won't stop talking about it. He talked about stomping on an anthill and strangling stray dogs in the street. I love him so much! He's the perfect match for me.
Jeyne: Actually, that's how serial killers start out. Sounds creepy. Plus didn't the Lannisters just kill a bunch of your father's men?
Sansa: That wasn't Joffrey's fault! That was his bad uncle Jaime. Joffrey is innocent! He would never do anything to hurt my daddy or his men. Blaming Joffrey would be like blaming me for something that Arya did.
Jeyne: Speaking of your sister, I saw that crazy bitch walking around on her hands the other day. What's up with that?
Sansa: Nobody can understand why Arya does anything. Oh, and hey! Let me change the subject again and talk to you about this guy who came from the Night's Watch. He was smelly and stupid and he wanted to--
Jeyne: --Nah, boring. Your story is boring and your stories are always boring. Let's go to the kitchen and see if there are any lemon cakes.
Sansa: I should be offended by you cutting me off like that, but I LOVE LEMON CAKES.
They go to do that instead.
The next morning comes and Beric and his men ride out to hunt down The Mountain. Sansa watches as they leave.
Sansa: It's just like one of the songs come to life! I'm living in a romantic fantasy where everything is wonderful! La la la!
She skips up to find the Tower of the Hand almost completely deserted because most of Ned's men have been sent out with Beric to find The Mountain. Really only Arya and the Septa are there. She's so lonely that even Arya seems like good company. That lasts for half a minute.
Sansa: Oh boy, this sure is fun times, isn't it? I wonder if they'll stick The Mountain's head on a gate down there or if his head will be brought back here?
Septa: Gross! Don't talk about that at breakfast.
Arya: It's really fucked up that men are being sent out to kill The Mountain in revenge for him killing those random villagers far away who we don't even know. Nobody sent men out to kill the Hound after he killed Mycah. Nobody sent men out to kill Jaime after he killed Jory.
Sansa: You're STUPID, Arya. Those are different. Besides, Mycah attacked my beautiful wonderful and noble prince, Joffrey.
Arya: You are such a fucking cunt liar. You know that never happened.
Arya throws an orange at Sansa.
Sansa: My dress! You ruined my beautiful dress with your gross orange! Queen Cersei gave me this dress!
Arya: Good. I want to kill that bitch too.
Sansa: It should have been YOU that they killed, Arya. Not Lady!
Septa: Okay, that's enough of that. Both. To your rooms. NOW.
Sansa: WHAT?! But I'm totally innocent of all wrong-doing and am completely unable to decipher how anything I have done to exacerbate this situation is my own fault!
Septa: I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM OR I GET OUT THE SWITCH.
And Sansa goes to her room and cries herself to sleep. She's eventually woken by a knock, with a message that her dad wants to see her. She reluctantly heads out. When she gets there, she sees that Arya is there too.
Ned: You two are such pains in my ass.
Sansa: ARYA STARTED IT!
Arya: I'm so sorry, dear papa. Please... accept my apologies for the role I played in this. Sansa, let me ask for forgiveness from you for this. I'll help wash or dress or do whatever I can to make it up to you.
Sansa: Wait... what? Who are you and what have you done with the real Arya?
Ned: Enough, you too. I'm sending you both back to Winterfell.
Sansa: What?! NO! Please don't punish me, father! It's all Arya's fault! Besides, I have to stay here to marry Joffrey! He's the perfect man!
Ned: Hahaha, oh WOW. You are stupid AF, Sansa. You really think that's still going to happen? No way. We'll find you another fine match to marry.
Sansa: NOOOO! You can't take him away from me! We're going to have a prince with beautiful golden hair just like a lion.
Arya: You mean like a stag, right? Because his last name is Baratheon. He's a Baratheon, not a Lannister. So he's not a lion. And he's also a liar and a coward.
Sansa: NO! He's not like his drunk, fat, stupid father! He's different! He's perfect! I hate his father and I hate you Arya and I hate you too, daddy! You're all trying to ruin my life!
Ned: Damnit, Sansa. You annoying little ginger. I'm not sending you away as punishment. I'm sending you away for your own safety. These Lannisters cannot be trusted. Besides, don't you want to go home and see your brothers again? You're going to travel home by ship, but you must not tell anyone. It needs to be a secret. Septa Mordane will help ready your things.
Arya: Wow, a ship? That sounds like an awesome adventure.
Sansa: NO! NO! NO!
Sansa runs away crying.
Ned: Geez, that girl... what am I going to... wait... wait a second... Arya! What was that you said a second ago about Baratheons and Lannisters?
Arya: Uhh... that Joffrey is a Baratheon, not a Lannister. Despite the fact that he has golden hair.
Ned: HOLY SHIT!
Ned pulls out his CSI notebook and stares at it, his mouth agape.
Sansa: My dad is an idiot! The Knight of Flowers is the most handsome and brave knight. He should have been the one to go! He's just like all the handsome heroes in the songs.
Jeyne Poole: No way. Beric Dondarrion was the right pick. Beric is so handsome and gallant.
Sansa: What? Beric? EWW! Gross! He's sooooo old. He's ALMOST 22!
That's right. Sansa really called a 21 year old character "old."
Sansa: But whatever. Forget all that Mountain stuff. I want to tell you about this dream I had. Well, it isn't actually a dream because it was just something I made up in my head as a fantasy. But I feel cooler calling it a dream. Joffrey went out hunting and caught up with the white stag in the woods. He's so much better than his stupid, old, drunk, fat father. He's so noble and handsome!
Jeyne: Oh, so Joffrey touched the white stag? Because in those stories the gallant knight always touches the stag and lets it go on its way.
Sansa: No. Joffrey killed it in my dream. Because Joffrey really, really likes killing. He won't stop talking about it. He talked about stomping on an anthill and strangling stray dogs in the street. I love him so much! He's the perfect match for me.
Jeyne: Actually, that's how serial killers start out. Sounds creepy. Plus didn't the Lannisters just kill a bunch of your father's men?
Sansa: That wasn't Joffrey's fault! That was his bad uncle Jaime. Joffrey is innocent! He would never do anything to hurt my daddy or his men. Blaming Joffrey would be like blaming me for something that Arya did.
Jeyne: Speaking of your sister, I saw that crazy bitch walking around on her hands the other day. What's up with that?
Sansa: Nobody can understand why Arya does anything. Oh, and hey! Let me change the subject again and talk to you about this guy who came from the Night's Watch. He was smelly and stupid and he wanted to--
Jeyne: --Nah, boring. Your story is boring and your stories are always boring. Let's go to the kitchen and see if there are any lemon cakes.
Sansa: I should be offended by you cutting me off like that, but I LOVE LEMON CAKES.
They go to do that instead.
The next morning comes and Beric and his men ride out to hunt down The Mountain. Sansa watches as they leave.
Sansa: It's just like one of the songs come to life! I'm living in a romantic fantasy where everything is wonderful! La la la!
She skips up to find the Tower of the Hand almost completely deserted because most of Ned's men have been sent out with Beric to find The Mountain. Really only Arya and the Septa are there. She's so lonely that even Arya seems like good company. That lasts for half a minute.
Sansa: Oh boy, this sure is fun times, isn't it? I wonder if they'll stick The Mountain's head on a gate down there or if his head will be brought back here?
Septa: Gross! Don't talk about that at breakfast.
Arya: It's really fucked up that men are being sent out to kill The Mountain in revenge for him killing those random villagers far away who we don't even know. Nobody sent men out to kill the Hound after he killed Mycah. Nobody sent men out to kill Jaime after he killed Jory.
Sansa: You're STUPID, Arya. Those are different. Besides, Mycah attacked my beautiful wonderful and noble prince, Joffrey.
Arya: You are such a fucking cunt liar. You know that never happened.
Arya throws an orange at Sansa.
Sansa: My dress! You ruined my beautiful dress with your gross orange! Queen Cersei gave me this dress!
Arya: Good. I want to kill that bitch too.
Sansa: It should have been YOU that they killed, Arya. Not Lady!
Septa: Okay, that's enough of that. Both. To your rooms. NOW.
Sansa: WHAT?! But I'm totally innocent of all wrong-doing and am completely unable to decipher how anything I have done to exacerbate this situation is my own fault!
Septa: I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM OR I GET OUT THE SWITCH.
And Sansa goes to her room and cries herself to sleep. She's eventually woken by a knock, with a message that her dad wants to see her. She reluctantly heads out. When she gets there, she sees that Arya is there too.
Ned: You two are such pains in my ass.
Sansa: ARYA STARTED IT!
Arya: I'm so sorry, dear papa. Please... accept my apologies for the role I played in this. Sansa, let me ask for forgiveness from you for this. I'll help wash or dress or do whatever I can to make it up to you.
Sansa: Wait... what? Who are you and what have you done with the real Arya?
Ned: Enough, you too. I'm sending you both back to Winterfell.
Sansa: What?! NO! Please don't punish me, father! It's all Arya's fault! Besides, I have to stay here to marry Joffrey! He's the perfect man!
Ned: Hahaha, oh WOW. You are stupid AF, Sansa. You really think that's still going to happen? No way. We'll find you another fine match to marry.
Sansa: NOOOO! You can't take him away from me! We're going to have a prince with beautiful golden hair just like a lion.
Arya: You mean like a stag, right? Because his last name is Baratheon. He's a Baratheon, not a Lannister. So he's not a lion. And he's also a liar and a coward.
Sansa: NO! He's not like his drunk, fat, stupid father! He's different! He's perfect! I hate his father and I hate you Arya and I hate you too, daddy! You're all trying to ruin my life!
Ned: Damnit, Sansa. You annoying little ginger. I'm not sending you away as punishment. I'm sending you away for your own safety. These Lannisters cannot be trusted. Besides, don't you want to go home and see your brothers again? You're going to travel home by ship, but you must not tell anyone. It needs to be a secret. Septa Mordane will help ready your things.
Arya: Wow, a ship? That sounds like an awesome adventure.
Sansa: NO! NO! NO!
Sansa runs away crying.
Ned: Geez, that girl... what am I going to... wait... wait a second... Arya! What was that you said a second ago about Baratheons and Lannisters?
Arya: Uhh... that Joffrey is a Baratheon, not a Lannister. Despite the fact that he has golden hair.
Ned: HOLY SHIT!
Ned pulls out his CSI notebook and stares at it, his mouth agape.
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