ACoK 66: Theon VI

Ser Rodrick Cassel and his army has returned to Winterfell after his voyage south to defend Torrhen's Square and Castle Cerwyn. He stands outside the city walls, prepared to strike. 

Maester Luwin: Theon, I beg you to yield to Ser Rodrick.

Theon: What? Yield to that old man? Why?

Luwin: Because his forces vastly outnumber yours. You've lost, Theon. And there has been  no word from your father Balon or your uncle. Balon knows that the north will be won or lost by the defense of Moat Cailin. Winterfell means nothing to him.

Theon: Screw you! You want me dead, don't you? You want me to lose!

Luwin: I am bound to Winterfell and whoever rules it. I must serve whoever holds this place. And from the looks of things, Ser Rodrick is about to hold this place. If you do not yield, you can expect no mercy.

Theon: Shut up and get out of my face, old man.

After sending Luwin away, Theon broods. He only has 17 men left. 17! Man. And Cassel has a force of over a thousand men. 

Theon: Lorren, get the noose ready!

And so Theon goes out to parlay with Ser Rodrick's forces.

Rodrick spits on his feet.

Rodrick: Well look who it is. It's Mr. Shitty Traitor who betrays the people who raised him and murders children.

Theon: Traitor? I am iron-born, Rodrick! And I was not "raised" by you. I was your prisoner.

Rodrick: I demand you to surrender now. Your men's lives will be spared.

Theon: My men's life? What about my life too?

Rodrick: Not so much.

Theon: Ah, well that's a really bad red-line for a negotiation. You see, in a negotiation each party has to find some sort of compromise where they get a little bit of what they want. They have to find a common ground somewhere. I want to keep on living. Therefore, if any deal you offer to me includes me still dying... I really have no interest in accepting the deal.

Rodrick: Shut up. I'm a great negotiator. And I hold all the cards, so I get to issue the terms.

Theon: No, you're really not. And I think I'm the one who holds all the cards. LORREN!!!!!!

At the top of the castle, Lorren brings Beth Cassel, Ser Rodrick's daughter, up to the noose. 

Rodrick: You SONOFABITCH!

Theon: Yeah? See that there? That's called GOOD negotiation. That's called "holding the cards." So here are MY DEMANDS. You and your army turn around and leave by nightfall. If you do not, then your daughter hangs. It will be your fault.

Rodrick: Trade me for her! I'll go up and take her place.

Theon: Nope. She stays up there. And she dies at dusk if you don't back off. And I have a TON of hostages in Winterfell. I'll kill them off one by one. Beth dies first. Then, if you still aren't gone by dawn, another hostage will be hanged. Then the next dusk another dies. And so on. Two a day at every dusk and dawn.


Rodrick: I WILL KILL YOU!

Theon: No, you really won't.

Theon turns his horse and heads back into the castle.

Theon: Well, that was pretty bad-ass of me, but I bet it won't work. Ser Rodrick is the type of guy who will probably attack anyway and let his daughter die to keep his honor.

Luwin: Theon!

Theon: Oh shit. You again? I thought I told you to get lost.

Luwin: It's not too late to save yourself! Take up the Black!

Theon: What?

Luwin: The Night's Watch. Surrender and ask that Ser Rodrick let you take the Black. You'll be able to live the rest of your life serving on the Wall.

Theon: Hrmmmmm. Jon Snow is up there. And while I'm kind of a rival with him, it's not a TERRIBLE idea. It sounds better than dying. Let me think about that for a--

Kromm: --THEON! THEON! Hundreds more troops have arrived! They wave the flag of a bloody, flayed man.

Theon: What?! The Boltons? Huh? How did this happen? When? They were supposed to be down South by Harrenhal. Are they attacking?

Kromm: Yes... they're attacking. But they're attacking SER RODRICK!

Theon: WHAAAAAT?

Kromm: Yeah, they're slaughtering Ser Rodrick's Army.

Theon: That doesn't make any... wait a minute... that Reek guy! He served that Bolton bastard, didn't he? I figured he just ran out on me with no intention to come back. Let me see!

Theon goes up to the wall of Winterfell and watches. He sees the men with the Bolton flags attack the panicking forces of Ser Rodrick Cassel.  Although Rodrick's army was larger, it was prepared for a siege of a castle... not for an attack from behind. And they were certainly not prepared to be attacked by people waving the flag of House Bolton, their supposed allies. 

In the end, they stand no chance and are totally destroyed.  A leader of the Bolton forces, wearing a red helm, rides to to the caste gate and throws down three bodies: 

Ser Rodrik (RIP!!!!!), Leobald Tallhart and Cley Cerwyn (nobody cares about these two).

Theon: OH SNAP! You killed Ser Rodrick Cassel? That's insane! I was just talking to him. I figured he'd get better than an off-screen killing.

Red-Helmed Knight: Open the gates!

Theon: Yeah, sure. You just helped us, so that seems like a good idea.

Theon orders the gates opened and heads down from the wall to meet his rescuers.  The man with the red helm takes the helm off. 

Theon: WOW! Reek, it's you!

Ramsay Snow: HAHAHAHA, No. Reek was the name of my pet. He died dressed up in my clothes. And I took his identity. I am Ramsay Snow, son of Lord Roose Bolton.

Theon: CRAZY! Well, a promise is a promise and you delivered. You wanted to have sex with that Palla girl from the kennel, right?  I'll have her summoned at once.

Ramsay: DUDE, YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. That was all METHOD ACTING, man. METHOD ACTING. I don't want Palla. That was just my "Reek" character who wanted her. I could really go for the hottest chick left in town, which is probably that hooker Kyra that you keep in your bedchamber.

Theon: What? NO! Kyra is MY GIRL! You're crazy.

Ramsay: Really? How's this for crazy?

Ramsay backhands Theon with his STEEL GAUNTLET and busts Theon's jawbone open. Theon falls to the ground in agony, bleeding from the mouth. 

Ramsay: Men, begin the slaughter. But save me the Frey boys. I will need them. Anyone else is fair game.

Luwin: What about m--

Snow's men stab Maester Luwin and he falls to the ground.

Ramsay: As for Winterfell... burn it. BURN IT ALL.

Theon begins to slide into unconsciousness.  The last thing he sees before blacking out is the sight of his horse, Smiler, jumping around and screaming on fire

Theon: Ugh... "Horses on Fire"... band name?

Ramsay: Already taken. Ghent-based hard rock band. But they broke up in 2016.

ACoK 65: Sansa VIII

Well, it looks like Stannis Baratheon got his ass kicked, and now the Royal Family in Kings Landing is holding a giant-ass procession to celebrate their victory.  Everyone is dressed to the nines, wearing their finest for the shindig. 

Joffrey: And now... the heroes of the battle!

Lord Tywin Lannister rides in first. He looks regal AF.  This dude has amazing armor, and even his horse is decked out. He is the definition of suave, sophistication. 

Tywin's Horse: *takes shit right on the bottom of the Iron Throne*

Joffrey: Eww.

Tywin dismounts. 

Tywin: Shut the hell up, grandson.

Joffrey: Anyway, I declare you SAVIOR OF THE CITY and officially make you HAND OF THE KING, as you technically were previously. Shitty Uncle Dwarfy was really only "Acting" Hand of the King.

Tywin: Yes, I am awesome.

He puts on the Hand of the King brooch.  Men wearing brooches is totally normal in this world. Brooches aren't only for your weird aunt and they don't have to have cats on them.

Joffrey: Next, I celebrate Lord Mace Tyrell of Highgarden, and offer him a place on the Council.

Mace Tyrell: Actually, I like to be known as "Ma$e Tyrell."

Tywin: No, that is not happening.

Mace: Well, I tried.

Joffrey: And to your son, the Knight of Flowers Loras Tyrell, for his courage in battle I award him a place in the Kingsguard!

Everyone cheers. They love Loras. Except for one woman in the audience who doesn't cheer.  Not because she doesn't love Loras. But because she likes him a little TOO much.

Woman: Booo! Are you sure you want to do this, Loras? If you join the Kingsguard, that means you can lay with no woman again.

Loras: Hahaha, yeah. I'll be okay with that. *winks at the guy next to her* 

Guy Next to Woman: *winks back*

Garlan Tyrell, Loras's Older Brother: King Joffrey, you do us much honor with these awards. But I ask of you one more honor. Is it not inappropriate for a royal King such as yourself to marry a traitor's daughter! Perhaps you should marry my sister, Margaery, instead. She is still, of course, a virgin and never laid with Renly.

Loras: Hahaha, I know that's true.

Mace: SHHHH!

Sansa should be offended by being called "a traitor's daughter," but she's not. This whole thing has been scripted before hand. And Sansa is happy about it. She knows what stage acting is coming...


Joffrey: Whaaaat? Marry Margaery? No! I could never! I love my beloved Sansa so much!

Everyone in the court tries to hold in their giggling because Joffrey is a terrible actor. 

Joffrey: I swore holy vows to love and marry Sansa. I could never break those.

On queue, the High Septon steps up to deliver his line in the script. 

High Septon: I swore holy vows to love and marry her. I could never--

Tywin: --No, you fucking idiot. You're reading the wrong line. That's Joffrey's line. He just read it. Read the next one!

High Septon: Oh. Right. Right. *ahem*... King Joffrey, when your father, the late King Robert, entered into this marriage alliance, he had no idea that the Starks were traitors and meant to deceive him. In the eyes of the seven gods, there is no shame in putting aside this marriage alliance based on falsehoods. I declare that your marriage alliance to Sansa Stark is null.

Joffrey: What? Really? Oh, that's... so... terrible! Wow! What a shocking development. You know what, Garlan? I think I will marry your sister Margaery. They say the tales of her beauty are known across the Kingdoms!

Crowd: HORRAY!

Sansa, publicly: Oh shucks!

Sansa on the Inside: HORRAY!

Sansa doesn't feel bad at all. She no longer has to marry Joffrey. They can call her father a traitor all they want. If that means she's free of Joffrey... she's happy! 

And so the ceremony goes on. There were lots of awards given out from the Battle of the Blackwater. All in all, over 600 knighthoods and awards are granted throughout the day. Including gems like these: 

Joffrey: Oh, I guess we're giving Uncle Dwarfy an award too? He's not here to accept it though, on account of him laying dying with a massive wound to the face. And another award... to Petyr Baelish! What with him securing an alliance with the Tyrells to come and join our side in the war. Lord Baelish, for your help... I award you the Castle of Harrenhal and name you Lord Paramount of the Trident!

Littlefinger, fresh back from being missing for a good chunk of chapters, walks up to Joffrey's chair with a shit-eating grin. 

Sansa: Whatever. What kind of a bullshit award is that? They gave him Harrenhal? First of all, it's haunted. Second, it's not even Joffrey's to give. My brother Robb and his allies holds Harrenhal!

After the awards for those Lannister-allied men who bravely fought comes the next part... the punishment for the people who fought for the other side and were captured.

Joffrey: Okay, any of you Stannis people who would like to flip sides can do so now.

A bunch of people flip sides. You know, because that makes sense.

Joffrey: Great. You're all PARDONED! Welcome to team #winning.  And for the rest of you that DIDN'T SWITCH sides... and I'm lookig at YOU, ser!

Some Guy: Who, me?

Joffrey: Yeah, you.

Some Guy: Ah, well. I'm not flipping to your side because you're a punk-ass bitch.

Joffrey: Ah, I see. I see. Guards, take him out and execute him.

He's taken out into the hallway and executed. 

Joffrey: Anyone else? How about you?

Crazy-Looking Guy: I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOU, INCEST CHILD!

Joffrey: Dafuq you just say? You know I'm the KING, right? And you're in MY throne room, surrounded by all my subjects.

Crazy-Looking Guy: You are a child born of sick incest! You are no true king. Your whore mother had sex with her brother to make your foul flesh! The Lord of Light will never allow you to be king. STANNIS FOREVER! PRAISE THE RED GOD!

Joffrey jumps up and starts pounding on the side of the throne. 

Joffrey: EXECUTE HIM! EXECUTE HIM NOW!!!!!

But what Joffrey, being a complete dumb-ass, forgot was that the Iron Throne is MADE OUT OF RAZOR-SHARP SWORDS. And therefore pounding on it is stupid. He slices his hand and arm open and starts bleeding. 

Joffrey: Owie! Owie! OWIE! MOMMY, MY BOO BOO HURTS!

Cersei runs in to coddle him. 

Crazy-Looking Guy: LOOK! EVEN THE THRONE DENIES HIM! THE THRONE REJECTS HIM! SEE? EVERYONE, SEE?

Joffrey: KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!

Meryn Trant steps up and executes the guy right in front of the entire crowd. Blood splatters on the front three rows of the crowd like they are at SeaWorld or some shit.

Crowd: HOLY SHIT. We were not ready to see all of that.

They drag his dead body out, leaving a trail of blood. Cersei takes Joffrey out of the room too. Lord Tywin then causally walks up to the Iron Throne and sits down. 

Tywin: Okay, I guess I'm in charge now. Let's continue this shit-show.

And so the ceremonies continue for hours and hours. Finally, after it's all over, Sansa is free. After a short time back in her room, she goes to visit the godswoods. 

Sansa: OH, hey Dontos! I am so excited! This is awesome! I'm finally free of Joffrey!

Dontos: What... you really think that?

Sansa: YEAH! I mean I don't have to marry him any more. THIS IS THE BEST!

Dontos: Okay, uhm... I know I'm an alcoholic jester, so taking advice from me isn't generally recommended. But how do you not see that this makes things WORSE for you now?

Sansa: What? What the hell are you talking about?

Dontos: Joffrey treated you like shit when you were supposed to be be married to him. And now you're not supposed to be. You think he'll treat you BETTER now? Doubt it. If anything he'll be meaner and crueler to you.

Sansa: But... I... uhh...

Dontos: And what do you mean you're "free?" You think Cersei is going to let you go? No! You're still a prisoner. You're still stuck here. And now you're no longer going to be a Queen. You're just a hostage and Joffrey's play thing. At least if you were his Queen, he could only beat you so hard so that everyone didn't see all the bruises on the queen. Now you're just "that traitor Stark girl" and he can have his Kingsguard beat the shit out of you even harder and nobody will care. And do you think not being married to him will mean you don't have to have sex with him? Nope! He's the king. If he wants to rape you... he can still rape you.

Sansa: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Dontos: There, there, my sweet Jonquil. Your Florian is still here to protect you. I will break you free from here on Joffrey's wedding night, I promise.

Sansa: What? But that's more than a month away!

Dontos: Oh wow. Is it only a month in the books? Holy shit, it's like two damn seasons on the TV show. I can't believe the 1000+ pages of A Storm of Swords only takes place over the course of a single month. BUT ANYWAY... until then you must be brave for me! Here, I have a gift for you.

Dontos pulls out a hair net. 

Sansa: A hair net? Do I have to work in a school cafeteria or something?

Dontos: No! This is a beautiful hair net made with silver and rare black amethysts from Asshai.

Sansa: Oh cool. Dark purple crystals.

Dontos: Yes.

Sansa: Hrm. Dark purple crystals. That seems so familiar. Didn't we talk about those earlier in this book?

Dontos: I wouldn't know.

Sansa: It's almost like now that this book is about to end, certain concepts that were introduced at the beginning are now being followed up on.

Dontos: I guess. I'm just glad we're not talking about that goddamn comet anymore. I'm really more concerned with drinking a lot than any of that plot stuff. The person who gave the hair net to me says that it's magical.

Sansa: Cool. Magical how?

Dontos: It represents revenge and stuff. For your father.

Sansa: And who gave it to you again? Because you said your friend who was going to help free me was out of town.

Dontos: Well, he's back now.

Sansa: Hrm. What guy who was recently out of town for a while is now back?

Dontos: Just stop, Sansa. Stop.

ACoK 64: Arya X

So now that Harrenhal has been captured by Roose Bolton, Arya has a new master.

Arya: Geez, look at all those heads up on the wall of the Lannsiter men that Roose executed. I wish one of those heads was Joffrey. That would be so sweet.

One of the dead is the old Maester who used to feed the ravens. She watches as birds peck out his eyes and eat them. 

Arya: I wonder if the birds remember that he was the guy that used to feed him as they peck at his dead body. Are they totally cool with that? Do they feel a little bad? Do they miss him. Man, my thoughts are so metal. 

In addition to the heads of executed men, there are also the women of Harrenhal that Roose decided were Lannister loyalists. They weren't executed - they were put in a pillory, naked and out in public and "for the use of any man who wishes." Pia is one of them. Remember Pia? No?

Arya: Oh, so these girls are chained up in public to be frequently raped? That's... uhm... pretty terrible. But not even close the most terrible thing I've seen in my young life.

Gendry: Oh hey Arya, admiring your work?

Arya: My work? What the hell are you talking about?

Gendry: You did this. All these people are dead because of you. My old boss who ran the forge, Lucan, is dead because they said he made armor and weapons for the Lannisters. These women are being raped because they served the Lannisters. And all thanks to you!

Arya: Me? No! It was the Bloody Mummers!

Gendry: Yes, the Bloddy Mummers who YOU got to flip on the Lannisters. Well, now we have NEW masters and they seem even worse than the old ones.

Arya: What? Really? But they're on Team Stark!

Gendry: Are they?

Arya: I mean... uhh...

Arya thinks about it. Roose Bolton is SUPPOSED to be a loyal bannerman to the Starks. But something about him freaks her out. She should tell Roose her real identity - that she's Arya Stark, the sister of his king, Robb. But she doesn't.  And she can't really argue with Gendry either. He's right. All she can say is...

Arya: Hey, can you take your shirt off?

Gendry: WHAT? No. Stop being weird, Arya.

Gendry leaves.

Arya: Ugh. I wish I had left with Jaqen when he invited me. I should have. Now I'm stuck here. Lame.

So Arya goes back to work. The first task includes fetching some water for Roose. She shows up to the room with the water, and sees that Roose Bolton is talking battle strategy with his men while simultaneously having his blood leeched.

Aenys Frey: Lord Tywin could return at any moment! We must ready or defenses!

Roose Bolton: Calm down now, Anus Frey.

Aenys: "Ah-Knees!" It's pronounced AH-KNEES!

Roose: Lord Tywin is far away and poses no threat to us.

Harys Haigh: I don't see how the boy Robb can possibly win. Him? Defeat Tywin Lannister? Back when he was a knight, King Robert was the finest fighter there was. And even he couldn't beat Tywin in battle.

Roose: Robb Stark has beaten Tywin's forces in every battle they have had so far.

Hosteen Frey: Yeah, but he never faced Tywin himself. And Robb can't even defend the North. He  can't even defend Winterfell! It's fallen and his own two brothers are dead.

Arya: SAY WHAT NOW?

Everyone turns and looks at Arya.

Arya: Uhh...sorry. I have Tourette syndrome. Don't mind me. I'm just the cup bearer girl, Nan.

And so the "important men" go back to discussing their war business. Arya knows they must be lying though. Winterfell fallen? Rickon and Bran dead? NO WAY! It must be some sort of Lannister lie.

Hosteen: Robb needs to just go ahead and bend the knee to King Joffrey. What could will fighting do now? It won't bring his father or brothers back.

Roose: Oh well then, why don't you just ride back to King Robb and tell him that yourself then.

Hosteen: *gulp*

Roose: Okay, I'm done with you all. DISMISSED!

Bolton orders his doctor to start pulling the leeches off and the meeting ends.

Roose: Qyburn, come here.

OH SNAP! IT'S QYBURN EVERYONE! QYBURN! THIS IS WHERE THEY INTRODUCE QYBURN! I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT HE CAME FROM HERE!!!!! HE'S THE LEECH GUY!

Qyburn: Yes, Lord Bolton.

Arya: That dude is super skezzy. Even skeezier than Bolton. They say he dabbles in the black arts and stuff.

Qyburn: Oh, and Lord Bolton... I also got a letter from your wife. She says she loves you very much and she can't wait until you get back home so that you can put a baby in her.

Roose: Really? Cool? Let me see that.

Qyburn hands him the letter.

Bolton balls it up and throws it in the fire.

Roose: Send my orders to Ser Helman Tallhart and tell him to burn Darry castle and to execute the prisoners. Then he is to head east and strike Duskendale.

Arya: Oh wow... Castle Darry? That's where I was at when Joffrey lied about me attacking him, tried to have my wolf Nymeria killed before I let her escape, made my dad kill Sansa's wolf Lady, and where the Hound brutally murdered by best friend, the butcher's boy Mycah. I hate that place. I'm glad it's going to be burned down and everyone inside of it executed. Hell yeah!

Qyburn: Also, there are a lot of wolves running around this area. Really, really bold ones. They probably have some sort of insane, giant, female Direwolf leader. They're attacking our men's camps in the woods.

Arya: Yep, that checks out! Good ol' Nymeria!

Roose: Fine, I'll lead a hunting party out to kill all the wolves then.

Arya: Wait... what now?

Bolton then leaves.

Arya takes the time alone to think about her brothers. Can they really be dead? She goes to cleaning Bolton's room and, as she does, she finds a map. And a knife.

Arya: Cool. I like maps. And knives.

She then goes out to the godswood and practices sword fighting against the trees.

Arya: Valar morghulis, you stupid tree!

Weirwood: Hey! What did we ever do to you, Arya?

Bolton and his wolf-hunting party return that evening, after a very successful culling of the wolves in the area.

Roose: All that wolf killing is exhausting. And it's too bad we couldn't catch the leader of the wolves.

Arya: Damn right you didn't, m'Lord.

Roose: Now make me dinner, Nan.

Arya: Okay, cool. Hey... and quick question for you... will you take me when you leave Harrenhal?

Roose: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME, GIRL! You serve me and do nothing else. And no, I won't take you with me. You'll stay here and serve Lord Vargo. Now like I said... give me dinner! I'll cut out your tongue if you question me again.

After making his dinner, she goes out to the godswood again. In the distance she hears wolves howl. Probably sad about their dead wolf friends.

Arya: The Lone Wolf Dies... but the Pack Survives! That's what dad always used to say! I'm not a meek little serving girl. I'm Arya Stark of Winterfell! I have the blood of the wolf in me. I don't want to stay here and get murdered by Vargo Hoat. I want to get out of here and kick ass! And so it shall be... Operation Kick-Ass to commence... NOW!

The first step of "Operation Kick-Ass" involves Arya creeping into Gendry's bedroom at night to see if he's naked. She lingers over his body for 30 minutes, smelling him.

He wakes up.

Gendry: AGHHH!!!! ARYA, YOU FUCKING CREEPER! STOP!

Arya: Oh hey. Get Hot Pie. We're escaping.

Gendry: What? No we aren't.

Arya: Yeah, we are. Get me some weapons and shit. We're getting out of here. Let's meet up at the gate by the Tower of the Ghosts in 30 minutes.

Gendry: No.

Arya: I heard Lord Bolton say he's leaving. He's going to turn the castle over to Vargo Hoat when he's gone.

Gendry: So?

Arya: I heard Vargo Hoat say that he's going to cut the left foot off of all of his servants when Bolton leaves. So that they can't escape him.

Gendry: That sounds like something you just made up.

Arya: Nope. Totally true. So meet me in 30 minutes... or enjoy waddling around like a fat-ass Manderly for the rest of your life.

She leaves and goes back to Lord Bolton's chamber. There she steals the map and the knife. She then goes to wait for her friends to meet up with her by the Tower of Ghosts. And she waits. And she waits.

She's beginning to think maybe they won't show, when...

[Heavy, labored breathing]

Arya: Well, that must be Hot Pie's lard butt.

Hot Pie: SHUT UP!

Arya: Shhh! We're being stealthy here!

Gendry: Ugh. I can't believe we're doing this. This is such a terrible idea. Look, there is a guard at the gate over there. We'll never be able to steal three horses and escape with that guard. 

Arya: Don't worry about it. I have a plan to distract the guard. Just watch.

Arya goes up to the guard.

Arya: Your shoes are untied.

Guard: Oh, thanks.

As the guard bends down and sees that his shoes aren't untied at all, Arya whips out the knife she stole from Roose Bolton and slices his neck open. With his vocal cords split and blood spewing out everywhere, he can't scream for help. He falls to the ground, and blood pools out from his neck. Splatters of blood are all over Arya's face.

Hot Pie: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARYA! YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO "DISTRACT" HIM.

Arya: This is a pretty good distraction. Now he'll never notice us leave.

Arya tastes the man's blood on his lips. It tastes GOOD. It begins to rain.

Arya: This rain will wash me clean. Not that I want to be. Now let's get out of here.

A pair of "Deal With It" sunglasses drift slowly down and land on Arya's eyes. She mounts her horse and rides out, looking at her map. Gendry and Hot Pie shrug and follow.  

ACoK 63: Daenerys V

Dany goes down to the docks of Qarth.

Dany: I'm so sick of Qarth. This place sucks. Oh, and also all of those Warlocks are trying to kill me because we burned down the House of the Undying.

Dany is back to being dressed in Dothraki-style, rather than Qarth-style. They might think she looks like a "savage," but who the fuck are they? A bunch of assholes, that's who. And now they're all scared of her. At first they all were interested in her and her dragons. But now the initial "wow" factor has worn off. They are afraid of them.

Jhiqui: Here, now that you're dressed like a Dothraki again, I'm going to braid this bell into your hair.

Dany: NO! Bells in hair are only for winners. I have won no battle.

Jhiqui: Well, you just kicked those Warlocks' asses. Burned their house down and everything.

Dany: Eh, that was really more Drogon's victory than mine.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: You're damn right it was].

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Beautiful Dany! You must marry me and give me a dragon! Before it's too late! Everyone has turned against you. You need me as an ally! Let's sail around the Jade Sea together as husband and wife!

Dany: No.

XXD: Fine then. I'm going to demand you give back all the gifts I gave you, because you received them in bad faith.

Dany: Huh? I received them in bad faith? But they were gifts!

XXD: Well, in this town gifts are really more like bribes. And I was bribing you to marry me so that I could get what I wanted. e.g. one of those dragons of yours. And it didn't work. So now I want my bribes back.

Dany: This town is really fucked up.

XXD: Okay, let's forget that marriage shit. How about a straight up trade? You want ships to sail out of here and go back to Westeros. That's fine. We're done with you anyway. Give me a dragon and I'll give you some ships.

Dany: Do you know how many ships there are in the world?

XXD: No. Probably a lot.

Dany: All the ships in the world... maybe I'd trade that for one dragon.

XXD: Get the fuck outta here!

Dany: Fine, cool. I was gonna do that anyway.

Dany then locks XXD up in a giant vault with Doreah and he dies.

XXD: NO! STOP! That doesn't happen in the books! Doreah already died of a wasting disease in the red waste. And I need to come back in A Dance with Dragons!

Dany: Whatever. We'll see you again in, like, three books then.

And so Dany continues to walk along the docks.

Dany: Man, we have got to find some ships to rent to get the hell out of here. That Palace of Dust stuff was crazy. I kept seeing the number three over and over again.

Jorah: Well, the Targaryen symbol is a dragon with three heads.

Dany: Yeah, thanks for Man-splaining that to me, Jorah. I'm pretty sure I know what my own symbol is. Hey... tell me... have you ever heard of "The Jingle of Icy Hot?"

Jorah: The Jingle of Icy Hot? No, I have not, Khaleesi.

Dany: It was mentioned in my vision. I saw my brother, Rhaegar, or perhaps it was Shaq, and he mentioned the Song.

Jorah: Oh wait. Maybe I know the Jingle of Icy Hot. Does it go something like "Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away."

Dany: Maybe. I think Rhaegar/Shaq mentioned something like that. He was playing a harp too.

Jorah: That sounds more like Rhaegar. He used to play the harp.

Dany: And he had his son there with him in the vision. Is that the Prince that was Promised?

Jorah: Well, if he was... then the Prince that was Promised had his skull bashed against a wall and is dead now. So that's the end of that Jingle.

Dany: No. The Jingle must be more complicated than that. Like maybe it is a metaphor for the story of the times we live in. When the magical powers of the cold north and the warm south come to meet. When multiple lines of the Targaryen family, split apart, are finally reunited to take back the Seven Kingdoms. When the houses Stark and Targaryen are joined by a marriage alliance.  Something like that.

Jorah: Ugh. You said "Stark" so I stopped paying attention. I hate those guys since Ned banished me. What did you say again?

Dany: Never mind. Let's just look for some boats to get out of here.

And so they go from ship to ship, looking for someone to take them. But this is the typical reaction:

Captain Ron So you want me to carry on my ship over 100 Dothraki warriors - barbarians famed for murder, rape, and a DEATHLY FEAR OF WATER? And, in addition to that, you also want me to carry three FIRE-BREATHING DRAGONS on my WOODEN ship?

Dany: Yes.

Captain Ron: Ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dany: Sooooo... is that a yes?

Captain Ron: No way! There’s more profit trading saffron and cloves than carrying some dragons who will set all my sails on fire.

So that conversation plays itself out, basically in that form with a few deviations, about ten times or so.

Dany: This is lame.

Jorah: Not to freak you out or anything, Dany. But we're being followed.

Dany: Well, that sort of makes sense because everyone in this city wants to murder us. So who is following us? Point them out and I'll turn around and look.

Jorah: Girl, you got to be more subtle than that. Here, let's stop and pretend to look at shit in this shiny brass shop.

Crazy Pete, Owner of Crazy Pete's Shiny Brass Emporium: OH HEY THERE! SALES! SALES! SALES! LOOK AT THIS AMAZING BRASS! SO SHINY! AND YOU CAN BRING THIS FINE BRASS SHIELD HOME TODAY, FOR ONLY THIRTY HONORS!

Dany: Thirty honors? Bitch, this brass shield is worth three honors, max.

Dany and Jorah hold the shield up and look at it. It's so shiny that they can see the reflections of the people following them.

Crazy Pete: THREE HONORS? AN INSULT! TWENTY FIVE HONORS, MY BEST DEAL! AND I'LL THROW IN A FREE I-POD MINI!

Dany: Nobody uses i-Pod minis anymore, Crazy Pete. Oh, and Jorah... I see them. The fat brown man and the skinny old white man with the beard?

Jorah: Yes Khalessi, that's them. They've been following for some time now.

Crazy Pete: FIFTEEN HONORS! THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO! I'LL LOSE MONEY ON IT, I KNOW! BUT THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME CRAZY PETE! MY DEALS ARE INSANE!

Dany: Nobody wants your damn brass, Crazy Pete. We're just pretending to browse your wares so that we can look at these people trying to kill us.

Crazy Pete: RIGHT! BECAUSE THE BRASS IS SO SHINY! THE MOST SHINY IN ALL ESSOS! TEN HONORS! YOU WILL NOT GET A BETTER DEAL!

Dany: Why are honors the currency of Qarth? Honors are supposed to be the currency of Volantis. Does Qarth not have its own currency and just use Volantis currency?

Jorah: Maybe GRRM was just too lazy to think of another currency and was like, "Ah, nobody will notice."

Dany: Well, I noticed.

Crazy Pete: FIVE HONORS AND MY DAUGHTER'S VIRGINITY!

Jorah: Wait... what? Now I'm interested. I have a thing for underage girls, obviously. *leers at Dany*

Dany: You are an awful negotiator, Crazy Pete. We're leaving.

They turn to leave and Dany runs into a random Qarth Merchant. 

Random Qarth Merchant: Oh hey, Queen Daenerys! I know you don't know me, but I'm a big fan. I bought you this awesome, jeweled box. Check it out. Also, I'm so sorry.

Dany: Oh, how thoughtful! Let me just open the box so see what amazing gift is insi--

Jorah: --NO, DANY! STOP!

She begins to open it and a manticore pops out.

Dany: Wait... what... a manticore? With a human head, a lion's body, and the tail of a scorpion?

No, this one is pretty much just a scorpion.

Dany: Oh. Then just say "a scorpion jumps out."

Okay, fine. But's it's a SUPER DEADLY SCORPION that can kill with just one sting.

Dany: AAAEEEIIIIII!!!!

Suddenly, the two men that had been following her - fat brown man and tall bearded pale man - jump into the scene.  The old man knocks the box and manticore from her hand and it's flung towards Crazy Pete.

Crazy Pete: AGHHH!!!!! [shits pants]

The old man then takes the end of his staff and crushes the manticore to death.

Manticore's Wife: Nooo! My husband! Now our children will starve!

Sad. You never really think about that in these stories.

And let's just say that Rakharo, Jhogo and Aggo brutally murder the merchant that tried to kill Dany. I forget what exactly happens, but we haven't had much action from these Dothraki guys in a while, so I figure I'd work them back in here somehow.

Dany: Thank you, strangers who have been following me! You saved my life.

Jhogo: Should we kill these creeper guys too, Khaleesi?

Dany: What? NO! They just saved my life! I will let these men tell me who they are.

Old Man: Ah yes, the only reason you were able to spot us is because we WANTED you to spot us. If we had wanted to stay hidden, we could have.

Jorah: Uh huh. Sure. Fine. Whatever. I already hate you.

Old Man: We knew that there would be assassins out to get you here, and we were keeping our distance to protect you. I am known as "Not Barristan Selmy," and this is my friend, Strong Belwas.

Dany: Ah, so that's what we're going with here? We're just going to call you "Not Barristan Selmy" then, huh?

Not Barristan: Correct. I am a squire who once served House Swann. Now I squire for Belwas.

Jorah: Because you look kind of familiar. Maybe, like, Barristan Selmy or something. Because Barristan Selmy used to squire for Lord Manfred Swann.

Not Barristan: Well, I'm not him. Obviously. I do recognize you though, Jorah Mormont. I saw you joust at Lannisport once.

Jorah: DAMN! He knows who I am! One day I'll figure out the mystery of who you are too, Not Barristan Selmy!

Strong Belwas: Strong Belwas is I! Strong Belwas is a eunuch from Mereen who used to fight in gladiatorial combat! Strong Belwas has many cuts on his body. But Strong Belwas has never been defeated! Strong Belwas allowed each of his opponents to cut him once in combat before he killed them! You can see how many men Strong Belwas has killed!

Dany: Ugh, is Ricky Henderson over here really going to talk in third person the entire time?

Strong Belwas: Strong Belwas will indeed talk in third person the entire time!

Dany: I can see why they left you out the show and gave all your interesting story elements to Daario.

Strong Belwas: Strong Belwas was sent here by the fat man with sweet stink in his hair to bring you back to Pentos.

Dany: Fat man with sweet stink in his hair? Oh... do you mean Illyrio? Because that's a pretty good description of him. Sweet! Oh, and by the way, do you know why that guy tried to kill me? And right before it he apologized.

Not Barristan: He was one of the Sorrowful Men. A league of assassins who apologize to their victims right before they kill them because Russel T. Davies writes all their dialogue.

Dany: So who sent him? Pyat Pree? The Iron Throne?

Not Barristan: *shrugs* Probably Pyat.

Dany: Oh, did Illyrio happen to send any ships with you to bring me back?

Not Barristan: Of course! We have three ships with us - the Saduleon, the Summer Sun, and Joso's Prank.

Dany: Nice. Three! See? There's that three again that I was telling you about, Jorah.

Jorah: Whatever.

Dany: But I'm just going to go ahead and rename those ships the Balerion, the Vhagar, and the Meraxes. After the three dragons that Aegon the Conqueror brought with him to Westeros.

Not Barristan: I mean, sure. That's cool. We're coming here to save you and give you ships and everything. I guess you can just go ahead and rename them like that without asking the ship captains. I'm sure they don't mind at all that the ships they have been sailing on for their entire adult lives are going to now just be renamed by you on a fucking whim because you're a passenger. Just like when a bunch of drunk, middle-aged women go on a Royal Caribbean Cruise they're allowed to rename their ship the S.S. A Hard Man is Good to Find.

Dany: So are you guys loyal servants of the true Queen and here to do my bidding, or are you going to question me?

Not Barristan: Yes, we serve you, Queen. Westeros is bleeding and we need you to return.

Dany: GREAT! Now I can't wait for my epic concluding chapter to this book! It's going to be so awesome, I bet!

Not Barristan: This is it.

Dany: What? This is it?

Not Barristan: Yes.

Dany: The last book ended with me walking into a fire, not dying, and hatching magic dragons.  You're telling me that this book is going to end with me getting on a ship and renaming it?

Not Barristan: Yes. Well, I mean "no." Your last chapter ends with you getting on a ship and renaming it. But the book goes on for a bit more. You're not important enough to be a closer this time around.

Dany: Fuck.

ACoK 62: Sansa VII

Sansa is sitting around in Maegor's Holdfast, waiting for any further news of the battles outside. For the sake of argument, let's just say that Cersei has sobered up a little bit. Because it's tedious writing those drunk lines for her. 

Suddenly, Lancel Lannister bursts through the doors and into the room. 

Sansa: Oh HEY! You're not Kettleblack! I thought it was supposed to be Kettleblack that was delivering all those upda---OH SHIT, you're bleeding pretty bad!

Lancel nurses a wound. He's really messed up and blood is dropping everywhere. He angrily points at Cersei.

Lancel: This is YOUR FAULT, BITCH! ALL YOUR FAULT!

Cersei: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it there, minor supporting character. What are you talking about?

Lancel: You should have never ordered Joffrey to fall back! We were winning! Then when Joffrey turned from the Three Whores and ran, the rest of the army began to run with him. We lost all momentum. The battle turned. The Gold Cloaks all began defecting en-masse to either put down their arms or to outright join Stannis. Tyrion, Mandy Moore and the Hound are all missing. Presumed dead. Kings Landing is falling. We're doomed! DOOMED!

Cersei: Oh no! I never knew such a thing could happen! If only I was warned at several times by several characters that this would be a direct result if I decided to pull Joffrey back!

Lancel: But that did happen and you were warned.

Cersei: Oh, right. *drinks wine*

Osney Kettleblack: What Lancel says is true. There is fighting on both sides of the river now. A battering ram is attacking the King's Gate and our men are deserting. Angry mobs have formed at the gates. Rioting has begin in Flea Bottom.

Sansa then notices that Payne is missing.

Sansa: Well, if you'll excuse me. I'll just be sneaking out of here before Ilyn Payne shows up again.

Cersei: NO! Stay here! Order that the Joffrey be brought back to safety. Raise the drawbridge. Lock the gates! Bar all the doors!

Lancel: You dumb bitch, that will only make things WORSE!

Cersei: Screw you, fuckboi!

Cersei digs her hand into Lancel's open wound. 

Lancel: AGHHHH!!!!!!

Cersei: I'm out.

Cersei just leaves. She straight up leaves.

All the other women in the room begin crying and panicing. 

Sansa: Geez, does it have to be up to ME to calm them all down? That's really relying on a third-stringer there. OKAY WOMEN, OKAY! EVERYONE CHILL! Everything is going to be fine!

Hysterical Woman: Where did Queen Cersei go?

Sansa: She just needs to take a dump. She's coming back, I swear!

Hysterical Woman: What did those Knights say? Did they say that Kings Landing is falling and we're all going to be raped and murdered? Not necessarily in that order.

Sansa: What? NO! NO! Of course not. That's crazy talk. They said the battle is going really well.

The women look at the window. The battle is NOT going really well. Sansa then goes over and closes the window shade. 

Hysterical Woman: WAIT A MINUTE! This is a medieval-style fantasy world. Have window shades even been invented?

Sansa: Shut up.

So they just stay there and wait. And wait. And wait. Cersei doesn't come back. 

Dontos: How about I entertain you all then with hilarious clown antics?

Sansa: No. Nobody likes clowns, Dontos. Clowns are awful.

Woman: Well fuck it, I'm just leaving then.

She leaves. 

Others start leaving too. 

Sansa: Oh wow, with Cersei and Ilyn Payne gone, I guess we can do that, huh?

So Sansa leaves and goes back to her room. 

Sansa: Well, I guess I'll try to go to sleep for the night and hope that I wake up again, un-murdered. I'll just go to bed and-- AGHHHHH!!!! THE HOUND!

Hound: Hi.

Sansa: What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?

Hound: Well, I'm really drunk and you promised me that you'd sing me a song. So I want you to sing it to me.

Sansa: Oh. Really? Is that all? You just want me to sing a song for you? That seems pretty easy.

Hound: Oh no, there is more than that. A lot more than that. There is clearly also a super RAPEY sub-text to this chapter.

Sansa: Of course there is, because this series is terrible to women.

Hound: Also, I've abandoned my post and am no longer fighting. Because we're all about to die.

Sansa: How very pleasant.

Sansa sings a song to him.

Hound: Okay, thanks little bird.

He then leaves.

Sansa: That was super weird and creepy.

Sansa then goes to bed. Does she fall asleep? No. Of course not. The city is on fire and being attacked by enemy forces. If the Lannisters win, she's still be a prisoner. If the Lannisters lose, there is a good chance that Ilyn Payne will burst into the room and behead her. 

Sansa: Life sucks.

After a while of sleepless night, she then hears bells begin to ring. 

Sansa: The bells rang when the king died. But these don't sound like those bells. They sound different.

She then hears singing in the streets. 

Sansa: What the hell?

She looks out the window, but can't quite tell what's going on. They didn't give her one of those nice city view rooms at the Red Keep. 

Suddenly, her door bursts open. 

Sansa: AGHHHH!!!! ILYN PAYNE!!!!

Dontos: No! It's not Ilyn Payne, my dear Jonquil! For it is I, Dontos, your Florian the Fool!

Sansa: Oh yeah, gross. Because you're in love with me and keep equating us to this old love story about a beautiful girl and a homely fool. Nasty. Also, you seem even drunker than usual.

Dontos: The day is done! The day is won! The day is... uhh... fun! Victory! Victory!

Dontos sings and dances. It's very annoying. 

Sansa: What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean the day is won?

Dontos: Stannis has been defeated! All the might of Casterly Rock and Highgarden has arrived... together!

Sansa: Say what now?

Dontos: Lord Tywin Lannister's army has come back to the city to save the day, joined by the Tyrells of Highgarden! And do you know who led the Tyrell army that saved the city?

Sansa: Hrm. I'm going to guess either Mace Tyrell, the head of the family, or perhaps his son, Loras, the brave Knight of Flowers who is an established battle expert.

Dontos: No! It WAS RENLY! RENLY!

Sansa: Wait... say what now? You mean DEAD Renly?

ACoK 61: Tyrion XIV

Beyond the Mud Gate, Tyrion Lannister charges into the battle. Close by his side are Mandy Moore, Balon Swann, and Podrick. 

Tyrion: Pod?! Get the hell out of here! You're just a squire. You shouldn't be fighting!

Pod: No, ser. Wherever you go. I'm going with you.

Tyrion: Well, okay. I guess you're going to die then.

Mandy Moore: Haha, no way am I going to die though. Everybody loves Mandy Moore! If anyone is dying this chapter, it's you, Tyrion. Heh heh heh.

Tyrion: Wow, that was pretty cryptic. Anyway! ATTACK!

Tyrion and his charging forces assault the Stannis-aligned soldiers who are trying to to use the battering ram to get further into the city. A bloody battle occurs down in the river, and everything starts to go into slow motion. 

Tyrion: Oh wow. This must be that "battle fever" that Jamie always talks about. The battle slows down. Blood rushes to your head. Adrenaline kicks in.

Tyrion kills people left and right, in slow motion. It's really cool. A lot cooler visually than in text, but you get it.

Having slow motion on their side, the Lannister forces win. Tyrion looks around and sees fire everywhere, understanding why the Hound was so freaked out.

Soldiers: HOORAY! HALFMAN! HALFMAN! HALFMAN!

Tyrion: Wow, where did the soldiers learn that cheer from?  I guess from my Vale Clansmen, huh?

Pod: Yes, while the book strongly implies that... I'd also like to remind you that in your speech to inspire them to charge with you, you also specifically referred to yourself as "Half Man" in an attempt to shame them. So it could have been that too.

Tyrion: Ah, right.

Balon Swann: Look! Over there, Tyrion! Enemy soldiers are swarming off of that ship!

Tyrion: You're right! All those broken ships by the pier have turned into a sort of ad-hoc bridge that leads their forces right to land. Those are some brave men. LET'S GO KILL THEM!

And so they attack again, with Tyrion once more leading the charge. As his horse charges forward, he's unseated and takes the battle to the ground. Or, uh, water. I guess. It's not that deep though. But he does lose his axe.

Tyrion: Oh no! My beloved axe! Still, I need to keep fighting.

He grabs another weapon and keeps going. He climbs up onto the unstable wreckage of the ships rather than wading in the water. He sees Balon and Mandy up on the wreckage too, fighting Stannis's men too.  That is, until a giant rock hurdled from a catapult in the city crashes into the boat wreckage and tips it over. Everyone sinks back into the water again. 

Tyrion gets confused and turned around as he swims out of the water and to the shore. 

Tyrion: AGH, DAMN IT!  Where am I? Why is the fighting on the wrong side of the river now? No... wait... that's the right side. I'm on the wrong side. What the hell?!

It takes him a few moments to get his directions straight again.  He takes his battle helmet off to get a breath of fresh air.

Voice: Tyrion! Tyrion! HELP! HELP!

Tyrion: Oh snap. Who's that?

Mandy: It's me. Mandy Moore! Help! Grab my hand! I'm drowning.

Tyrion: Oh, okay. I guess I can help you. The water doesn't look that deep though.

Mandy reaches out his left hand to Tyrion to pull him out of the water, with his right hand behind his back. 

Tyrion: Wait. Aren't you a righty?  Something doesn't seem ri--

Mandy Moore's right hand bursts out of the water with his sword in it, and he swings it towards Tyrion's face. At the last minute, Tyrion dodges it. But he wasn't fast enough to miss the entire blade. 

Moore's sword slices most of Tyrion's nose clean off.

Tyrion: AGHH!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?! THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE TV SHOW!

Yes, in the TV show Tyrion just gets that big scar, that makes him all battle-hardened-looking. But now for the rest of the book series, Tyrion has no nose anymore. He looks hideous. 

Tyrion: THIS IS TERRIBLE! AGHHH!!!

Tyrion's mouth fills with blood from his leaking face. Does it hurt? You bet your ass it does. He falls back into the water, choking on his own blood. 

Mandy Moore: Now, to finish the job!

Mandy splashes through the water after him and finally grabs him. Just as he's about to deliver the finishing blow...

Mandy Moore: AGGHHH!!!!!!

Someone shoves Mandy Moore deep into the river. He drowns in his heavy armor and dies.

Tyrion: My savior! Why... it must be... Jaime!!!

Pod: No. It was me.

Tyrion: Podrick Payne? Really?

Pod: Yep.

Tyrion: Oh. Wow. Thanks.

Pod: You look rough, man. You're hurt pretty bad.

Tyrion: Well yeah. Mandy Moore cut my nose off. Why the hell did he do that?

Pod:  *shrugs* It's never explained.

Tyrion: What? NEVER? Did Cersei order it? Did Joffrey? Did Littlefinger? Was he acting on his own? Did he momentarily get confused and think I was Christina Aguilera?

Pod: I dunno, ser. Like I said, GRRM never bothers to actually explain it or give an answer.

Tyrion: Geez, that sucks.

~~Addendum~~

Meanwhile... at the bottom of the River...

Fish: Oh look, it's Mandy Moore. Sing us a song, Mandy Moore! Sing "Sweetest Sin!"

Dead Mandy Moore: First of all, that was a Jessica Simpson song, asshole. Second, I'm not that Mandy Moore.

Other Fish: Tell us spoilers from This Is Us!

Dead Mandy Moore: I repeat... I am NOT that Mandy Moore.

Fish: So, why did you try to kill Tyrion?

Dead Mandy Moore: Now that I'm dead, I'll never tell.

Other Fish: I bet it was Cersei! She paid you, right? She hates Tyrion and wants him dead. She thinks he's plotting to kill Joffrey. The books strongly imply that Tyrion THINKS it's her. But he never gets proof.

Fish: It could be. Although Joffrey could have wanted Tyrion dead himself. And the TV show strongly implies that Tyrion THINKS it's him. But he never gets proof.

Other Fish: What about Littlefinger? Mandy Moore doesn't have much backstory, but what little we  do know about him indicates that he's from the Vale. He came with Jon Arryn. And Littlefinger also comes from that general area and came at about the same time. They might have some unexplained back story. Plus Littlefinger clearly attempts to set up Tyrion in the next book. Littlefinger also framed Tyrion as the catspaw assassin. Although his motive is unclear, Baelish clearly wants Tyrion out of the way.

Fish: True, but Littlefinger is away right now, trying to recruit the Tyrells to the Lannister cause. Logistically, it would be somewhat difficult for him to give that order to Mandy.  You mentioned that Mandy was from the Vale, right?

Other Fish: Yes, I did.

Fish: And remember how Tyrion had that trial by combat in the Vale? And Bronn took his place to kill Ser Vardis Egen?

Other Fish: Right. Who could forget? That was a great chapter!

Fish: Well, maybe since Vardis and Mandy are both knights from the Vale they were friends or something. Maybe Mandy isn't doing this for anyone. Maybe he really just hates Tyrion for killing his friend.

Other Fish: COME ON, DEAD MANDY! JUST TELL US ALREADY!

Dead Mandy Moore: Nope. I'm dead.

The fish then eat his eyeballs.

ACoK 60: Sansa V

Osney Kettleblack runs into the room to whisper some news about the battle to Queen Cersei. Sansa tries to sneak close by and listen. 

Cersei: Who caresh about any of that shhitsh! Ish my boy Joffrey okash?!

Sansa: Oh man. Cersei is DRUNK AS HELL. She's been drinking all night.

Osney leaves. Then, across the room, one of the women starts to break down and cry. 

Cersei: SHHUT HER UP! SHHHUT UP, BITCSH! Shtupid flock of hensh! Thash what thish group is!

Sansa: I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Do you mean "hens?"

Cersei: I don't even like theshe bitcshes. I'm jusht doing it becaushe if we live their hushbands will owe me.

Sansa: What do you mean "if we live?"

Cersei: DUMBASH! If our guardsh don't betray ush, I will offer myshelf to Shtannis. Not that he'sh intereshted in women. I'd have more luck shedushing Shtannis's horse than him.

Sansa: Eww. Horsefucker.

Cersei: Have I shhocked you, little one? You know, women have more weaponsh than just tearsh. We have what'sh between our legsh.

Sasna: I literally just had my first period, so it's a bit odd that you're explaining to me that I need to start seducing men.

Cersei: It mattersh not though if the chitty fallsh. I imagine we're all in for a bit of rape, rape, rape, rape and a little more rape.

Sansa: Yikes.

Cersei: And aftshter the rape there will be shome more rape.

Sansa: Yeah, I get it. Lots of rape.

Cersei: You know, men like ushing their shwords on women. Bosh typesh of shwords.  And by that I mean acshual shwords ash well ash their penishes.

Sansa: No, I got that too. You didn't need to explain that one either.

Osney comes back for yet another battle update. 

Sansa: We got Speedy Gonzales over here.

Osney Kettleblack: Stannis's men have made landfall. Joffrey is at the Mud Gate. There are also reports of some people trying to sneak out of the castle with some cattle.

Cersei: EXSHECUTE THEM!

Sansa: Wow. There is a war going on and we're actually spending time talking about cattle rustling?

Texas Ranger: Oh, howdy there little Sansa. You might think that Cattle Rustling is a big joke. You might thing it's something from the past. The days of the "Wild West," if you will. But you might be surprised to hear that cattle rustling is actually more prevalent in 2018 than it ever was in the 1870's! Well, it's true that today’s cattle rustlers usually aren’t as bold as the gun slingers out in the Ol' West. And we can't exactly hang em' high from the nearest tree, neither. But the cattle rustlers of today use high-tech tools. Branding our cattle is still the safest way to protect them, just as it was in them old days. But we still have huge ranches out there and we can't have rangers protecting all that land! So the best strategy to protect ourselves from rustlers is to--

Sansa: --No, I do not care. Nobody here cares about cattle rustling, Texas Ranger.

Lollys Stokeworth: I don't know, this sounds a little interesting. Can I hear more?

Sansa: SHUT UP, LOLLYS!

Cersei: Dosh anyone want to hear about when me and Jaime were shildren and we ushed to dresh up like one another to confush our fasher?

Sansa: No. Weirdo.

Osney: There are also some merchants out in the streets, demanding entry into the Red Keep.

Cersei: No.

Osney: Okay. I'll be back in a bit to give you more updates.

Time passes. 

Osney: Hi, I'm back with more updates.

Sansa: Wow, this story is moving faster than the completely unrealistic timeline of the episode "Beyond the Wall."

Osney: Yeah, that was a pretty unrealistic episode. So that group is all up north beyond the wall and approaching the army of the dead. In this very book we've seen that getting from the Wall to where the dead are marching is probably a multi-month or multi-week process. Assuming the dead have moved closer south by the time the story has advanced that far, we can assume that it's at least a multi-day process. So when the party has Gendry run back to warn everyone at Eastwatch, that's going to take several days to get back to Eastwatch. Then after the message gets to the Wall, the Night's Watch has to send that message to Dragonstone to reach Daenerys. Based on all evidence of how long it takes for ravens to fly in the series, that's once again another multi-day process. One reliable estimation of the geography of Westeros indicates that it's about 1900 miles from Eastwatch to Dragonstone. Assuming ravens in Westeros can deliver messages at the same speed as carrier pigeons, then they can travel 1100 miles a day at up to 50 mph. That would mean it takes two more days to get to Dragonstone. Then we need Dany to get on her Dragons and take them up north beyond the Wall. That would probably take--

Sansa: --Okay, enough now. No need to beat a dead horse.

Cersei: What are you here for thish time, Oshney?

Osney: The Mud Gate is under attack. Tyrion is leading a sortie and attacking Stannis's forces. Joffrey is a the Three Whores, flinging Antler Men via catapults.

Cersei: Bring my shon back to Maegor'sh Holdfasht immediately!

Osney: Well, Tyrion had some specific orders that we NOT do that. Given that our men are only loyal if they see the king out there fighting. If they see the king retreat, they will think that all hope is lost and start retreating themselves.

Cersei: I SHAID DO IT OR I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!

Osney: Okay, okay! Geez! But just remember if everything starts falling apart and our men break, that this is totally your fault.

Osney runs off again. 

Cersei: And don't shink that I don't knowsh about your treashions, Shansha!

Sansa: Treasons? What treasons?

Cersei: You running off to the godshwoodsh every night--

Sansa: --Oh no! She knows about my plot with Dontos! What am I going to--

Cersei:  --I bet you're in the godshwoodsh PRAYING for Shtannish to win!

Sansa: Oh, so you don't know about Dontos? The treason you're referring to is not an actual treason plot that you have intel about? It's just a general suspicion that I might not be 100% loyal to a group of people that murdered my father and is holding me as a hostage? Okay, cool. I can deal with you believing that.

Cersei: But don't shink that you're shafe if Shtannish winsh! Hahaha, you really shink that Ilyn Payne ish here to defend ush?

Sansa: Well, I didn't know why he was here. Which is why I specifically asked you. And that's what you just told me a few hours ago.

Cersei: Foolisshh girl! I will never be taken alive! And neisher will yoush! You better shtart praying for Shtannis to loshe! Becaushe Ilyn hash ordersh to take bosh of our headsh if  the cashtle fallsh. You're too valuable a prishoner.

Texas Ranger: Did someone say "Cattle?"

Cersei: NO. CASH-TLE! 

Sansa: Geez, you are REALLY messed up in the head, Cersei. Aren't you?

Cersei drinks more wine and passes out.

ACoK 59: Tyrion XIII

Tyrion watches from the heights of Kings Landing, as Stannis's fleet burns in Blackwater Rush. Hundreds of ships are on fire. Thousands of people are on fire. The air is full of smoke, arrows, and the screams of the dying.  The clouds in the sky are glowing green, reflecting the wildfire below.

Tyrion: I'm not sure I should be proud of this or what. My plans with the chain and the wildfire has pretty much worked flawlessly. So I should feel really good for being a tactical master. But then again, I'm also now responsible for the deaths of thousands. Which might weigh slightly on my conscience. But then again, I guess they were trying to kill us. So should I really feel that bad?

He imagines that this must be what King Aegon the Conqueror felt like at the Field of Fire, when his dragons Balerion, Meraxes, and Vhagar set the armies of the Seven Kingdoms on fire after they would not submit.

Joffrey: You idiot! Look! Our ships are on fire too! Our ships are burning!

Tyrion: Yeah, I know. It was sort of part of the plan. They were doomed anyway. I know it sucks, but it's the way it has to be.  If we didn't have our Royal Fleet there, Stannis would have suspected a trap and his fleet wouldn't have come in. It was the only way. And still, my plan didn't work 100% effectively. The fire didn't spread to the southern side of the Blackwater as I had hoped. Thirty or so of their ships appear to have survived.  Those ships are beginning to land their forces. We might have some time though. Stannis's forces are probably pretty shell shocked after just getting out of that jade holocaust.

Random Solider: Oh SNAP. "Jade Holocaust." Band name?

Tyrion: Maybe? Nah, probably a bit offensive. My point is... the battle isn't done yet. Those soldiers will eventually regroup and attack.

Tyrion knows that Stannis's surviving forces are enough to put up a good fight. The only way Kings Landing will be able to survive the assault is if their forces don't panic and flee. And the only way they won't panic or flee is if they can see that the battle is going their way.  And the only way to make sure the battle goes their way is to be on the offense. 

Tyrion: Okay, we're going to have to lead some sorties to attack Stannis's men!

Hound: What's a sortie?

Tyrion: An attack made by troops coming out from a position of defense.

Hound: Ah. I really don't like all that fire bullshit out there. So much fire.

Tyrion: We must attack Stannis's soldiers coming out of the river! Also, order that the Three Whores be moved!

Solider: Which three whores are those? We've got a lot of prostitutes in this series. We've got Chataya, Alayaya, Dancy, Marei, Penny Jenny, Shae...

Tyrion: SHH! Don't mention Shae. Keep her on the down low. And no, none of them. I'm talking about the three trebuchets we have in place.

Hound: What's a trebuchet?

Tyrion: Catapult. Just pretend I said "catapult."  Anyway, they used to be pointed at the Blackwater to attack Stannis's ships. Now we need to turn them to throw stuff at Stannis's crews that are coming ashore.

Joffrey: WHAT?! I want to go to the Three Whores! Mommy promised that I could be there. That's where we're keeping the Antler Men that tried to rebel against us. We're going to fling the Antler Men from the catapults. It's gonna be so sweet!

Tyrion: Fine. Whatever, sicko. I guess we can "send them back to Stannis." Haha, get it? Because they wanted to be with Stannis. And now they will be. Except in missile format.

Joffrey: Yaaaaay!

Joffrey runs off, escorted by the Kingsguard, skipping like a foppish dandy and excited to find new, sick ways to end people's lives. 

Messenger: Lord Tyrion! Lord Tyrion! Dire news, ser. A group of Stannis's men have made landfall at the tournament grounds. They are headed to the King's Gate. They've got a battering ram and they're trying to break it down. King's Landing is about to be penetrated!

Tyrion: Tee-hee. Penetrated. I mean... err... HOUND, gather these Gold Cloaks and sellswords into a sortie. We must defend the King's Gate!

Hound: Nope.

Tyrion: What do you mean, "Nope?"

Hound: It means "No."

Tyrion: Is this because you just learned what a "sortie" is? Look, it's not that difficult. You've led things like this before tons of times. You just didn't know what it was called.

Hound: Nah. I'm not doing it. I'm done. I quit.

Tyrion: WHY? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU QUIT?

Tyrion looks around and sees crazy amounts of Wildfire in the distance at every angle. The city is on fire. The Blackwater is on fire. Fire everywhere. 

Tyrion: Ah, wait. I get it now. PTSD. That and you're a little punk-ass scaredey cat. Okay look. How about you don't lead the sortie into the fire? How about we actually open the gates and have the enemy come towards us? Then you ambush them and kill them?

Hound: Still no. I'm done.

Ser Mandon Moore: Obey the Lord Hand, Clegane!!!

Hound: Nah. Are you going to make me, Mandy?

Mandy Moore: Not really. 

Tyrion: Well SOMEONE has to lead this sortie!

He looks around. He just sees a bunch of idiots. 

Tyrion: What about you?

Mandy Moore: I mean I guess I could lead the battle. But do you really think the soldiers are all going to follow someone named "Mandy Moore?" 

Tyrion: Damnit. Good point. It's got to be me, doesn't it?  Somebody give me some wine for courage.

Podrick Payne: Here you go.

Hound: You? HAHAHAHA.

Tyrion: MEN... FORM UP!

All the soliders look at Tyrion like he's kidding. 

Tyrion: Look at you. I said FORM UP.  They say I'm a "half man." Well, if I'm a half man... what does that make the rest of you? Quarter men? I'd say "Octaroons," but that's pretty offensive with racial connotations. A bunch of scared little boys, afraid to fight... that's what you are! Well, I'll fight myself if I have to! You cowards. You ain't gonna hear me scream any bullshit like, "For King's Landing!" This is your city that Stannis wants to sack. Not mine. So protect it if you even have a set. Now let's kill this son of a bitch!"

Tyrion pulls out his axe and leads the charge. He doesn't even look back to see if anyone is following him

ACoK 58: Davos III

Davos is on his ship, the Black Betha, as it--

Politically Correct Boatswain: --Uh, actually it's African American Betha.

Davos: Shut up! This is a fictional fantasy world. There isn't even such a thing as "America."

Davos pushes the Boatswain overboard to his watery death.

Anyway, like I was saying, the Black Betha approaches Blackwater Bay, leading into Kings Landing. The war is about to begin. The ship is in the second line on the right as part of Stannis's great fleet. The commander of the fleet is Ser Imry Florent, Stannis's brother-in-law.

Davos: *cough*nepotism*cough*

Davos thinks that the invasion plan is too rash. They haven't even sent any scout ships to check out the Blackwater first. But Florent wanted to invade as quickly as possible, and claimed that sending scout ships would give them away. Since the invasion of Kings Landing has been much delayed, Stannis was eager to attack as quickly as possible with the entire fleet.

Davos: I have a bad feeling about this.

As they cross into the Bay, Davos notices two newly constructed towers at both sides of the narrow point.

Davos: Hrm. Those towers appear to be designed to hold up a giant chain boom. And indeed, I do see a chain attached to both sides. But the chain isn't up. It's sunk in the water. Why would that be? The traditional purpose of a chain boom is to keep an invading fleet like ours OUT. But the boom is down and we can all pass.

As they get closer, Davos also starts to see the Lannister-allied fleet defending the city.

Davos: It looks pretty small. And a couple of their key battle ships are missing. Why would they not have their best and toughest ships here -- ready to defend Kings Landing against us?

Why indeed? As the Black Betha continues, Davos spots catapults, scorpions, and other weapons along the city walls. Soon, the attack begins. Arrows, pitch, and giant boulders are flung from Kings Landing towards Stannis's fleet.

Davos: Hahaha. They're going to have to try harder than that. Still, this feels like some sort of trap. At least that Red Witch isn't here though. Stannis sent her back to Dragonstone with Edric Storm and said he wouldn't need her help for this one. And anyway, if we won then the commonfolk would say it was her magic that won the battle. Good. I'm glad she's gone. I hate that bitch.

Soon though, Davos finds himself in the middle of the battle. A Lannister ship rapidly approaches.

Davos: RAM IT! RAM IT!

They ram it.

Davos: Okay, now let's get the hell out of here!

They back up. The Lannister ship sinks into the sea. Men fall off of it. Some are dead and sink. Others are alive, and also sink in their armor. The quick and the dead. War is hell. etc.

Davos: Okay, this battle is starting. And you know what I'm especially psyched about? How almost every single one of my  children are also part of this battle. That's right, my son Dale is commanding the Wraith. My son Allard commands the Lady Marya. My son Matthos is right here on the Black Betha with me. My son Maric is the oarmaster on the Fury. My son Devan is Stannis's squire and will go into the battle with him. Only my two small children, Stannis and Steffon, are not part of this battle. This seems like a sensible thing to do, right?

Then suddenly, Davos watches as a catapult throws green fire through the sky. It hits one of the Stannis-aligned ships and burns everyone in it to death.

Davos: OH SNAP! Wildfire? I figured they'd start using wildfire. Ser Imry Florent even predicted that they would. But how much of it can they really have, right? I mean not much. I'm sure all that stuff got used up in the last war.  Nobody makes wildfire anymore. There are few true pyromancers anymore. That's probably just for show to scare us.

In the corner of his eye, Davos then sees a Lannister ship heading right there way.

Davos: UH OH. They're trying to ram us now. TURN! TURN! TURN!

With just a few seconds left to spare, Davos's crew is able to turn the Black Betha so that the Lannister ship only scrapes its side, rather than ramming it. The two ships are now next to each other, just like in a pirate movie.

Davos: Hey everyone, it's just like a pirate movie. That means we have to pull out our swords, shout a lot, and board each other's ships!

They do exactly that. They have an epic and awesome pirate battle, with the two ship crews killing each other one-by-one. But which side will win? WHICH SIDE WILL WIN?

Davos: It looks like our side won. What with me being a POV character.

Davos's Crew: HUZZAH!

Davos looks around at the battle in the harbor. Stannis's fleet is doing quite well.

Davos: Yeah man, we're kicking ass. Maybe we're going to win this battle after all. I can see that we're defeating the Lannister ships at almost every single engagement. And look at that engagement over there now... which ship is that? Oh yeah, that's our ship, the Swordfish. It's about to ram the hell out of that Lannister ship over there.

Matthos: Which one, father? You mean that abandoned-looking one that's leaking all of the green fluid out of it?

Davos: Yes son, that's the one. The aband----whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?  AGHHH!!!!! STOP! STOP! DON'T DO IT! STOP, YOU MORONS! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

But it's too late. The Swordfish rams into a derelict vessel, full of that awesome, green wildfire juice.

The ships immediately explode. It's a GIANT explosion. Wildfire is thrown everywhere. And wildfire can't be put out by water. NOTHING can put out wildfire.

Pyromancer: Except sand.

Yes. Except sand, I suppose. So flames sit atop the water, and start setting every ship nearby on fire. And the people on the ships. And the people in the water.

The explosion is so large that the shock waveknocks Davos off of his ship and into the water. He struggles, nearly drowning, and swims back to the surface in an area away from the fire. He looks up and sees that his own ship is on fire. And that the rest of Stannis's fleet is also aflame.

Davos: Well, this sucks pretty hard. At least almost all of my children weren't part of that fleet. OH WAIT... THEY WERE!

Davos struggles to swim, and so he lets the current sweep him and take him away from the harbor. It's probably a good idea, as the current is also taking him away from all of the burning wildfire.

As he's swept out to near the entrance of the harbor, he notices that the chain boom is now up.

Davos: OH DUH. The chain boom wasn't designed to keep us out of the harbor. It was designed to keep us all IN THE HARBOR!

Davos watches as the few remaining Team Stannis ships which are not on fire try to make their escape, only be to caught and trapped by the chain.  Along with those escaping ships, a number of other ships from both sides drift listlessly to the chain, abandoned with dead crew. And ON FIRE. The fires from those ships set the other ships on fire. And now every single last ship in the harbor are clanking and colliding with one another, all on fire. The crews jump into the water. But the fires spread there too. And now those guys are on fire.

Davos has been swept by the water pretty far away now, but he can still smell it. It smells like a summer BBQ. But those aren't hot dogs and hamburgers cooking. Those are men. Including his children.

Davos: Wow, that's pretty dark, narrator. Pretty dark. 

ACoK 57: Sansa V

Sansa is in the royal sept of the Red Keep. She listens to singing as she looks out and sees Joffrey mount a horse, wearing ornate amour. 

Tyrion: What the hell are you doing here, Sansa? Stannis has arrived at last. The city is under attack! You're supposed to be with the other lady's in Maegor's Holdfast.

Sansa: Joffrey summoned me this way to wish him luck in the battle.

Tyrion: Well, we all know that is not necessary because Joffrey will be super far away from the battle and he's also an incompetent twat.

Sansa: Damn. Super far away from the battle? Because I was kind of hoping that he would get SUPER KILLED. 

Tyrion: Whatever. I should have sent your ass away with Tommen. Oh well. Didn't think about it until now. Adios, in case the city burns down and I never see you again because we're all dead.

Tyrion leaves and Sansa goes out to see Joffrey. 

Joffrey: Kiss my sword, bitch. It's my new one, called "Hearteater." Yeah. This is the sword I'm going to use to kill Stannis.

Sansa: Whatever, if you say so. What happened to your old sword? Oh that's right, my LITTLE SISTER beat your ass and threw it in a river. And speaking of my family, my brother really likes to jump into the heart of the battle. The middle of it. You should probably do that too. You know, go into the thickest, deepest part of the battle. Just think how heroic that would be.

Joffrey: Shut up about your brother, I'll kill him too!

Joffrey leaves and Sansa goes back in the sept to pray. The septon makes all sorts of blessings and prayers. But when the septon prays for Joffrey's safety, Sansa gets up and leaves. Which I'm sure was noticed by, like, everyone. 

Sansa arrives at Maegor's Holdfast where all the ladies are. Queen Cersei. Lady Tanda Stokeworth and her pregnant fat daughter, Lollys. Also this new maidservant of hers. Some girl named "Shae." Other women too, but who cares?

Sansa: A bunch of ladies and... wait... is that Ilyn Payne?! The royal executioner? The guy who cut off my father's head?! What the hell is HE doing here?

Cersei: Oh, you know. In case people start betraying us when we're under attack, we'll need him to execute them for us.

Sansa: Won't the guards protect us?

Cersei: What? These guys? Hahahaha... no. All the real knights are out fighting in the battle. The knights around here are sellswords and the dregs of the City Watch. They'll turn on us immediately if it looks like things aren't going our way. And since we're a room full of women... well... you can guess what they'll do to us. And by that I mean rape and murder. Not necessarily in that order.

Sansa: True knights would never do such a thing to women and girls!

Cersei: I repeat again, Sansa... you are SO STUPID. Are you waiting for those heroic knights from the songs to show up and save you? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT SHIT, BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. Don't you know what happens when a city is sacked? Obviously not, because the singers don't make songs about city sacking. We have a dearth of good sacking songs. Now shut the fuck up and eat your broth like a good girl.

ACoK 56: Theon V

Theon is dreaming again. Just like the last Theon chapter opening. Theon is on a lot of melatonin or something, I suppose. 

In the dream, Theon is being chased by wolves. Which is a metaphor that I'm sure even the stupidest reader will be able to understand. Oh, the dream also has beheaded children in it. And of the Miller's wife chewing his dick off while he rapes her. Cool, huh? Oh no wait, I mean TERRIBLE.

Theon: AGHHHHH!!!

He wakes up, screaming. 

Reek: Oh, hi there.

Theon: REEK?! What the hell are you doing here? Why are you watching me sleep? That is super creepy.

Reek: No reason. Oh... I mean, uh, to report to you that your sister, Asha, has arrived and is waiting for you in the Great Hall.

Theon: Haha, nice. I better get dressed and meet her. But I won't do it too fast. Better to keep her waiting. You know why?

Reek: Because you're an asshole and a sexist? Because you are extremely jealous of her competence compared to your inadequacy?

Theon: Shut up, Reek.

Theon takes his dear time. He thinks about what he should wear. He puts on his crown. He thinks it looks a little rough, but he still hopes it will make Asha jealous. He then thinks back to all the people he had to murder. Not Winterfell people... but his own people. One by one, everyone who was part of his and Reek's killing of Bran and Rickon have been murdered. But why? 

Eventually, Theon moseys his way down to the Great Hall.

Theon: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

Asha: Shut up, loser.

Theon: I'm the loser? Really? I took Winterfell, the capital of the north, with thirty men in a single night. It took you a thousand men and a month to take Deepwood Motte.

Asha: Riiiiiiight, it took me more forces and time to take a famous and strategic defensive post, guarded by elite northern fighting men. And it took you a shorter time to defeat an old castle defended by a cripple and a toddler. What a surprise.

Theon: Geez. Way to bust my balls. So where are all the men you're giving me as reinforcements?

Asha: Here.

She points over to the corner of the room. There are ten men. 

Theon: WHAT?! TEN?! I need much more than that! The North is mobilizing against me ever since the defeat of Dagmer at Torrhen's Square!

Asha: Well, you don't get any more than that.

Theon: How am I supposed to hold Winterfell?

Asha: Guess you should have thought about that before you seized it. Don't take what you can't protect, Theon. What you should have done is just destroyed Winterfell and moved on. You should have taken the Stark boys back to Pyke as valuable hostages rather than kill them. But you didn't do any of that because you're a moron with no competence and no strategy. So here you are, marooned in the far north and surrounded by your enemies who will have no mercy on you for what you did to those kids.

Theon: THEY DEFIED ME! THEY HAD TO PAY! Plus the Starks killed our brothers back during Balon's uprising. This is revenge!

Asha: Idiot. How about you just return to Deepwood Motte with me?

Theon: NEVER! Winterfell is my prize! I will hold it forever.

Asha: Whatever. I'm leaving.

Theon: Huh? When?

Asha: Now.

She leaves. On her way out the door...

Asha: Oh, and your crown looks stupid, by the way.

Theon: GRRR!!!!!!

Reek: Hello there, Sir!

Theon: Oh, you. I should have you killed like everyone else there at the Miller's place. Why haven't I yet?

Reek: Because the whole plan at the Miller's was my suggestion, Theon. I'm a very helpful person. I have many helpful ideas. I can give you more helpful ideas, if you need them.

Theon: Sure, why not? What you got for me?

Reek: Well, you know how Asha didn't leave you enough men? I can find you men. Lots of men.  100. Maybe 200.

Theon: Go on.

Reek: Give me a bag of coin and let me sleep with that kennel girl, Palla. That's all I ask. I will then use the bag of coin to recruit a bunch of sellswords from the countryside to help protect the place.

Theon: So you want me to give you a bag of coin and have you just leave with it under a vague promise that you'll come back with more men?

Reek: Yes.

Theon: Okay.

Theon hands Reek a huge bag of coins. Reek leaves. 

That night, Theon has more messed up nightmares. Nightmares about what he did to those two miller's boys that weren't Bran and Rickon. You see, since they were the same age as the two... the kids were easy to swap in. With their bodied flayed and tarred... nobody could tell the difference. All Theon had to do to keep the secret is start murdering everyone who knew. Bran and Rickon were never caught at all!

Every Reader: Duh, we figured this out a while ago.

ACoK 55: Catelyn VII

Cat Stark and Brienne of Tarth are sitting and having dinner at Riverrun. This is a SUPER AWKWARD and depressing dinner, because Cat has just gotten word from Winterfell that Theon Greyjoy has murdered her two youngest boys, Bran and Rickon. 

And to contrast with this extreme sadness, the rest of Riverrun seems to be pretty happy. The castle celebrates the many recent victories of King Robb and Edmure Tully.  Many are celebrating that Tully was just cast as the new Prince Phillip in Season 3 of The Crown. Not Cat though. 

Cat: I have become a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.

Brienne: That is so emo.

Cat: Sorry, I'm just really sad.

Brienne: Why?

Cat: Oh. Because two of my sons just got murdered.

Brienne: Oh SHIT. Sorry, I didn't know.

Cat: Yeah, I didn't want to bum everyone out. A raven just came with a letter. Only myself and Maester Vyman know. Theon Greyjoy, a boy who my husband raised as a son, brutally murdered them and stuck their heads on pikes.

Brienne: I don't know what to say. Uhmmm. How about "your sons are with the gods now?"

Cat: There are no such things as gods to let this happen.

Brienne: Wow, this book is rapidly homecoming quite the atheist anthem. We just had the Hound talk about there being no gods either.

Cat: My daughters Sansa and Arya are probably doomed too. I know when Robb hears of this news he will go up to Theon and get revenge. But I want to be the one to do it myself. I want to choke him to death and watch the life drain out of him. I also want to do that to Jon Snow too, even though he's innocent. I just hate him though.

Brienne: Oh-kay.

Cat: Oh, and another thing. I just sent a cask of wine down to Jaime Lannister. I mean to get him drunk and talking. Then I will find out the truth behind these Lannister plots!

Brienne: Convenient. Tyrion just interrogated Cersei, attempting to identify her culpability in plotting against the Starks. And now you're doing the same with Jaime. That's some quality storytelling that builds upon themes!

Cat: I will go visit Jaime at midnight. I want you to come with me too.

Brienne: Wait... we're getting Jaime drunk and visiting him at midnight while he's chained up? Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?

Cat: An interrogation.

Brienne: Oh.

So while Cat is waiting for midnight to roll around, she goes to visit her father, Hoster. But Hoster is in no condition to talk to her. He's pretty far gone and no longer lucid.

Brienne: It's midnight now.

Cat: Wow that was fast.

They head down to the dungeons to visit Jaime. 

Jaime: Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?

Cat: An interrogation.

Jaime: Oh. Because even though I don't find you that attractive, I'd still be up for anything. I mean I'd even go for that ugly bitch there.

Brienne: What?! REALLY?!

And thus begins the 'shipping. 

Cat: Just drink this wine. It's not poisoned. If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead.

Jaime: Screw you. I don't have to drink that piss. I'm a noble prisoner! I shouldn't be kept laying down in this dungeon surrounded by my own feces.

Cat: You brought that on yourself by trying to escape. You're an asshole and you will burn in the seven hells.

Jaime: There are no seven hells. There are no gods. If there were gods why would the world be so full of pain and injustice?

Brienne: Again with the atheism!

She gives him the wine. He drinks it. 

Jaime: Okay, now who's up for some truth or dare?

In Westeros, this is a rhetorical question. When challenged to play truth or dare... you MUST. 

Cat: Okay, I'll start. TRUTH.  Are you Joffrey's father?

Jaime: Yep. I'm the father of all of Cersei's children.

Brienne: Eww. You banged your sister? Nasty.

Jaime: Okay, my turn. TRUTH. Are my father, Cersei and Tyrion all still alive?

Cat: That's technically asking multiple questions at once, but I'm going to let it slide. Yes. They are all still alive as far as I know.

Brienne: MY TURN NOW! DARE! I dare Jaime to kiss me!

But Jaime and Cat just ignore Brienne like she's not even in the scene. 

Cat: TRUTH. How did my son Bran fall out of a window?

Jaime: I pushed him out.*takes a big gulp of wine*

Cat: WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!

Jaime: No you won't, because we still have your daughter as a captive.

Cat: Shit. You're right. So did you send that assassin afterwards to finish the deed?

Jaime: Technically it's supposed to be my turn again and I don't have to answer that. But no, I did not. I had nothing to do with that.

Cat: But Baelish said that it was Tyrion's dagger that tried to kill my boy.

Jaime: I doubt Tyrion would be involved either. Killing kids isn't his kind of thing. *drinks wine*

Cat: But Baelish told the whole story to me! It used to be Littlefinger's dagger but he lost it in a bet to Tyrion during the tourney on Prince Joffrey's name day when Ser Loras Tyrell defeated you.

Jaime: Oh, I remember that tourney. So how did Tyrion win a knife if I lost?

Cat: Littlefinger said he was the one who bet on you and that Tyrion bet on Loras

Jaime: How does that make any sense? Why would my brother bet against me? We're brothers and best friends. He always bets on me.

Cat: Well when you put it like that, now I just sound like an idiot for believing Littlefinger. Plus your story matches with Tyrion's story and you haven't seen each other since early in the first book so you wouldn't have any opportunity to coordinate on your story. Damn it!

Jaime: Okay. *drinks wine* You've asked too many questions. My turn again. TRUTH. What's up with Robert's brothers?

Cat: Stannis marches towards Kings Landing, ready to take on your son.  Renly is dead. Murdered by black magic shit. Stannis totally did it.

Jaime: Wow. Crazy.

Brienne: DARE. Somebody pay attention to me!

But they both ignore her again. Jaime takes another swig of wine.

Jaime: TRUTH. What side are the Tyrells on in the war?

Cat: It wasn't your turn, but now that Renly is dead I don't know the answer. Also, I want to use this moment to point out how much my son Robb is kicking your father's ass in war. He just took the Crag from the Westerlings. WESTERLING. WESTERLING. I'm just going to repeat the word WESTERLING now because it will be important soon. WESTERLING.

Jaime: He's using craven's tricks to win battles. Not cool.

Cat: Says the asshole who used a craven's trick to try to sneak out of here. TRUTH. Why are you such a messed up, treacherous piece of human shit, Kingslayer and Oathbreaker? Why have you forsaken every vow you've ever sworn? Why did you swear to protect the King and then murder him?

Jaime, now fully drunk from all the wine, has had enough of this "oathbreaker" shit. 

Jaime: OATHBREAKER! KINGSLAYER! FUCK YOU! Why do people always call me out on that? Why do people say I'm an asshole for doing that? Yeah, to tell the truth I am a bit of an asshole. But that was probably the one noble thing I did in my life.  Do you know what happened to your original betrothed, Brandon Stark? Yeah, you weren't supposed to marry Ned at first. You were supposed to marry his older brother, Brandon.  But Brandon went down to Kings Landing after he heard that his sister, Lyanna, had been taken by Rhaegar.  He wanted his sister back and to challenge Rhaegar. So you know what King Aerys did? He arrested Brandon and summoned his father, Rickard, to come down. There, Rickard was arrested too and Aerys accused all the Starks of treason. Did you ever hear how your betrothed died?

Cat: I mean I didn't really...

Jaime: He was strangled to death. He died slowly and in pain, in some crazy strangulation device from the east. As he watched his father being BURNED ALIVE by wildfire. All by order of King Aerys. A king who would murder hundreds of other innocent people in similar manners, because he was fucked up in the head. A sick, twisted murderer. This is the king that I stabbed. And everybody calls me these names and talks shit about me for doing it. Really? REALLY?! It's completely messed up that I'm reviled for probably the best thing I ever did in my life.

Cat: ...

Jaime: And you call ME oathbreaker? You say it's messed up that I slept with my sister? But she's the only woman I've ever lain with in my life. I love her. I am loyal to her and only her. Think about your own husband, Cat. Pious ol' Ned Stark. Not so pious though, huh? What with him having that bastard child. If anything, I'm less of an oath breaker than your husband.

Cat: Okay... THAT'S IT.  Brienne... give me your sword.

Brienne: Oh shit, it's on now.

Cat lifts up the sword, and motions it towards Jaime. 

CLIFF HANGER!!!!