...Continued from last time...
Maester Cressen is hobbling back to his private chambers at Dragonstone. Maester Pylos is helping him out because he's so old and feeble. But he drops him off at the door and then skates.
Cressen sits down and considers his options to stop this plot that Stannis's wife (Selyse) and his new Red Priestess (Melisandre) seem to be talking about related to killing Stannis's brother, Renly.
Cressen: I helped to raise Robert, Stannis and Renly after their father died on that yacht! I can't just let one brother kill the other one now. Stannis is going crazy and listening to everything that red witch says. He is so whipped by her! I mean she is super hot. Like top notch super model hot. She looks like Jean Grey when she turns into Dark Phoenix. She could easily be an actress on a TV show on HBO and do naked scenes. Internet fan art of her would easily look like this or this or this or even this. Really, this whole thing is all Melisandre's fault. And I must silence her!
Cressen hobbles over to a side room where he keeps a bunch of vials of nasty crap. Milwaukee's Best. Faygo. Stoli vodka. And a bunch of small purple crystals.
Cressen: Ah, here we are. The Stranger! All I have to do is put a few of these crystals into Melisandre's wine at our next Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party and her throat will tighten up like a fist! She'll die right there! It will be so sweet! I know it seems like a terrible thing to do... to murder another person. Yet it must be done!
Cressen looks out to the sky and sees the comet again.
Cressen: Perhaps the red of this comet actually foretells of this murder I plan. Yes! Yes! Why I think it will indeed--
And then before Cressen can finish that thought, he falls asleep because he's super old and that's just what old people do.
About a week later, Cressen wakes up.
Cressen: OH SHIT! How long have I been sleeping?! PYLOS! PYLOS!!!!
But Pylos doesn't answer.
Cressen: SERVANTS! SERVANTS!
But the servants don't answer.
He slowly hobbles out into the hallway.
20 minutes later he reaches it and sees a sign which says "Dragonstone Party -- TONIGHT!"
Cressen: Oh no! It's the night of the Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party! It's probably already started! I'm missing it! My chance to poison the Red Witch is almost lost. I need to get over there quickly!
He slowly continues walking towards the party, patting on the vial of purple crystals he has in his pocket to make sure it's there. He walks the long hallway. Man oh man, does it feel long!
Looking out the windows of the hall, he sees that comet again.
Cressen: It looks so malevolent out there. But I should not fear! It is the red witch who should fear!
An hour later, he reaches the party. It's totally been raging without him. Nobody waited for him at all.
Cressen: WHAT THE HELL?!
He looks up at the giant banner atop the party. But instead of saying "Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party" it says "Annual Dragonstone Lord of Light Holiday Party."
Cressen: This was supposed to be Non-Denominational! You whippersnappers with your red god have ruined everything!
But as he angrily stands by the doorway, Patchface jingles his way up, dancing around like a fucking fool. Well, I guess he IS a fool, so that makes sense.
Patchface: Under the sea you fall up, I know, I know, I know. Under the sea, Nobody beat us, Fry us and eat us, In fricassee, I know, I know. We what the land folks loves to cook, Under the sea, we off da hook, We got no troubles, Life is the bubbles, Under the sea, I know, I know.
As he prances, Patchface runs into Cressen and knocks him down on his old ass. Everyone in the house begins laughing because beating up old people is apparently funny in Dragonstone.
Cressen: UGH! UGH! HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up.
Unable to pick himself up, Cressen eventually feels super strong hands lift him up.
Cressen: Oh, thank you, whoever you are, kind sir. That was most noble of you to pick me uuu----Oh, shit.
Cressen looks and it was no man that picked him up. It was...
Hot-Ass Fucking Melisandre: Hey Cressen. You should watch your step. After all... THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS.
Crowd: Hahaha! Catchphrase! We love it!
Cressen: Leave me alone, witch! Only a fool would be scared of the dark.
Melisandre: Hrm... speaking of fools, I think I have a riddle: "What do you call a clever fool and a foolish wise man?"
Cressen: Uhh... I dunno. What?
Lady Hotness then takes the ridiculous-looking antlered horned helm/crown off of Patchface and puts it on Cressen's head.
Melisandre: "Patchface and Cressen." Obviously.
Crowd: Oh man! That was classic Mel! Please date us! We have a serious crush!
Cressen angrily tears the helm off and throws it on the floor.
Cressen: Whatever. At least I don't have freakish man hands like you. You're like a WNBA player or something.
He then hobbles over to the high table to take a seat near King Stannis.
20 minutes later when he gets there...
Cressen: What the hell?! Pylos! That's my seat! Get out!
Pylos: Uh, no. It's my seat now. Remember? I'm your replacement.
Cressen: And why didn't you wake me for the party?
Pylos: Because I was given specific instructions not to.
Cressen: What?! By who?!
Stannis: BY ME, BITCH.
Cressen: What?! Nooooooooo!
Stannis: Cressen, you are too old, too sick, and too confused to be of any use to me anymore. You refuse to even learn how to work the DVR.
Cressen: I enjoy having the VCR record my shows! How do you even play back the shows without a cassette tape?
Stannis: I've told you a million times, Cressen, the DVR stores them electronically. You can play them back whenever you wan't. You can quickly skip through the commercials. The image is digital and crisp. You don't get those lines, blips and ghosting like you do on the tapes that you've been re-using over and over. DVRs are like 20 year old technology, Cressen. You need to learn to use them.
Cressen: But... but... look... right next to you! The place of honor! Who gets to sit there?
Melisandre: Oh hi, that would be me!
She sits down.
Cressen: But... but... but...
Stannis: Get out of here, old man! Go sit down there with the unimportant characters.
And so Cressen meekly accepts it and starts to hobble away. Very slowly. He walks past the high table and they all avoid looking at his face. Except for Davos. Davos is willing to make eye contact.
Davos: Oh man, this is so awkward. Plus it's going to take him another half hour to get off this stage. Here, Pylos. Just sit in my seat. I'll go pull another one up for myself.
Cressen: Oh thank you, thank you so much.
Cressen sits down. He's angry by Stannis's words. But he knows it's not Stannis's fault. He loves Stannis and helped to raise him! Surely Stannis must be under the evil influence of that red witch. After she's dead, everything will be better and Stannis will go back to respecting him again.
The party picks back up again and Patchface goes dancing around.
Davos: Look at that, Cressen. Perhaps we should all wear a fool's outfit because we're all fools if we think that we'll be able to win this war. The Red Witch sees victory in her fire and wants us to march to war. But the numbers just don't add up. Just like the numbers behind the subprime mortgages and collateralized debt obligations that led to the collapse of the US housing market and the 2008 global financial crisis.
But Cressen doesn't respond back to Davos. Instead he turns to King Stannis again.
Cressen: Sire, I repeat my earlier remarks! We must seek an alliance with Robb Stark or Lysa Arryn if we want to win!
Selyse: Silence, Cressen! The Lord of Light is the only ally my husband needs!
Cressen: Gods make uncertain allies. I mean just think about the Trojan War. Ares was the god of war and he was on the Trojan side. The Trojans lost!
Lysene Captain, Salladhor Saan: Hrm... interesting story, Cressen. Why I had heard that these Trojans were a mighty force that could always hold the line. A line that could not be broken. But apparently Trojans do... hehe... occasionally... break. Would you say that's true?
Cressen: Yes, yes, Salladhor. That is true. That is an example of when Trojans do indeed break.
Salladhor Saan: I hate it when a Trojan breaks on me!
Crowd: *giggles*
Ser Axell Florent: Say now, Cressen. I suppose another way of putting that is by saying that the Trojans were "easily penetrated!"
Crowd: *giggles even louder*
Cressen: Yes, true. True! Through the trickery of the Greeks, there was indeed penetration.
Ser Axell Florent: Ah yes, those craft Greeks do like tricking people into penetration.
Crowd: *now openly laughing because they can't hold it back anymore*
Lord Ardrian Celtigar: Odd that you say that, Ser Axell. I was always under the impression that Trojans were not the ones to be penetrated. I always thought it was Trojans doing the penetrating!
Crowd: *uproarious guffawing and hoots*
Stannis: Okay everyone, okay. Everyone knock that shit off.
Cressen: What I'm trying to say here is... your filthy red god has no power here!
Melisandre: Haha, if you think that then you truly are a FOOL. Maybe you should put Patchface's horned helm back on.
Selyse: YES! YES! THIS!!! SO MUCH THIS! I order it now.
Cressen can't believe that shit. He stares at Stannis as if like, "No! You can't allow this."
Stannis: Nah shorty, leave me out of this shit. The Queen gave an order.
And so the fool's crown is put back on Cressen's head.
Crowd: Oh snap! This is even more funny the second time.
Selyse: Now that Cressen is our jester, he should sing a song for us and dance. Go on, dance, boy! Dance!
Stannis: Okay, that's a step too far now, bitch. Cressen may be a worthless, senile old man now. But he served me well for many years.
As they argue, Cressen sees Davos's wine glass and snatches it. He drops the purple strangler crystal in it. Davos straight up sees Cressen do this, but nobody else seems to have noticed.
Cressen: *whispers* Don't you be no snitch ass punk now!
He then stands up and turns to the crowd.
Cressen: *ahem*... A toast! A toast to the Red Witch and to her shitty fake god's power!
Melisandre: Yes. A great idea. Let us drink!
Davos: Psst! Cressen! Don't do this!
Cressen: Shut up! ... now... As I was saying... a toast! And Melisandre, it would be an honor if you shared this glass with me.
Melisandre: Sure thing. You don't have mono, right?
She grabs it from his hands and drinks almost the whole thing down. She then hands it back to him to finish.
Melisandre: Now... your turn.
He closes his eyes and reluctantly sips. He knows he will die... but he'll take Melisandre out with him. So it will all be worth it!!!
Cressen: Hahahaha! You're the real fool! The cup was poisoned and now you will--
Cressen begins choking on his own words. Mel just stands there, smiling as the red crystal on her choker starts to light up bright red. That's right, this hot bitch is wearing a choker like it's the 1990s and she don't give AF.
Cressen falls over and dies.
Melisandre: I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
Salladhor Saan: What the hell is iocane powder?
Melisandre: Oh, sorry. I meant "the Strangler."
Maester Cressen is hobbling back to his private chambers at Dragonstone. Maester Pylos is helping him out because he's so old and feeble. But he drops him off at the door and then skates.
Cressen sits down and considers his options to stop this plot that Stannis's wife (Selyse) and his new Red Priestess (Melisandre) seem to be talking about related to killing Stannis's brother, Renly.
Cressen: I helped to raise Robert, Stannis and Renly after their father died on that yacht! I can't just let one brother kill the other one now. Stannis is going crazy and listening to everything that red witch says. He is so whipped by her! I mean she is super hot. Like top notch super model hot. She looks like Jean Grey when she turns into Dark Phoenix. She could easily be an actress on a TV show on HBO and do naked scenes. Internet fan art of her would easily look like this or this or this or even this. Really, this whole thing is all Melisandre's fault. And I must silence her!
Cressen hobbles over to a side room where he keeps a bunch of vials of nasty crap. Milwaukee's Best. Faygo. Stoli vodka. And a bunch of small purple crystals.
Cressen: Ah, here we are. The Stranger! All I have to do is put a few of these crystals into Melisandre's wine at our next Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party and her throat will tighten up like a fist! She'll die right there! It will be so sweet! I know it seems like a terrible thing to do... to murder another person. Yet it must be done!
Cressen looks out to the sky and sees the comet again.
Cressen: Perhaps the red of this comet actually foretells of this murder I plan. Yes! Yes! Why I think it will indeed--
And then before Cressen can finish that thought, he falls asleep because he's super old and that's just what old people do.
About a week later, Cressen wakes up.
Cressen: OH SHIT! How long have I been sleeping?! PYLOS! PYLOS!!!!
But Pylos doesn't answer.
Cressen: SERVANTS! SERVANTS!
But the servants don't answer.
He slowly hobbles out into the hallway.
20 minutes later he reaches it and sees a sign which says "Dragonstone Party -- TONIGHT!"
Cressen: Oh no! It's the night of the Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party! It's probably already started! I'm missing it! My chance to poison the Red Witch is almost lost. I need to get over there quickly!
He slowly continues walking towards the party, patting on the vial of purple crystals he has in his pocket to make sure it's there. He walks the long hallway. Man oh man, does it feel long!
Looking out the windows of the hall, he sees that comet again.
Cressen: It looks so malevolent out there. But I should not fear! It is the red witch who should fear!
An hour later, he reaches the party. It's totally been raging without him. Nobody waited for him at all.
Cressen: WHAT THE HELL?!
He looks up at the giant banner atop the party. But instead of saying "Annual Dragonstone Non-Denominational Holiday Party" it says "Annual Dragonstone Lord of Light Holiday Party."
Cressen: This was supposed to be Non-Denominational! You whippersnappers with your red god have ruined everything!
But as he angrily stands by the doorway, Patchface jingles his way up, dancing around like a fucking fool. Well, I guess he IS a fool, so that makes sense.
Patchface: Under the sea you fall up, I know, I know, I know. Under the sea, Nobody beat us, Fry us and eat us, In fricassee, I know, I know. We what the land folks loves to cook, Under the sea, we off da hook, We got no troubles, Life is the bubbles, Under the sea, I know, I know.
As he prances, Patchface runs into Cressen and knocks him down on his old ass. Everyone in the house begins laughing because beating up old people is apparently funny in Dragonstone.
Cressen: UGH! UGH! HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up.
Unable to pick himself up, Cressen eventually feels super strong hands lift him up.
Cressen: Oh, thank you, whoever you are, kind sir. That was most noble of you to pick me uuu----Oh, shit.
Cressen looks and it was no man that picked him up. It was...
Hot-Ass Fucking Melisandre: Hey Cressen. You should watch your step. After all... THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS.
Crowd: Hahaha! Catchphrase! We love it!
Cressen: Leave me alone, witch! Only a fool would be scared of the dark.
Melisandre: Hrm... speaking of fools, I think I have a riddle: "What do you call a clever fool and a foolish wise man?"
Cressen: Uhh... I dunno. What?
Lady Hotness then takes the ridiculous-looking antlered horned helm/crown off of Patchface and puts it on Cressen's head.
Melisandre: "Patchface and Cressen." Obviously.
Crowd: Oh man! That was classic Mel! Please date us! We have a serious crush!
Cressen angrily tears the helm off and throws it on the floor.
Cressen: Whatever. At least I don't have freakish man hands like you. You're like a WNBA player or something.
He then hobbles over to the high table to take a seat near King Stannis.
20 minutes later when he gets there...
Cressen: What the hell?! Pylos! That's my seat! Get out!
Pylos: Uh, no. It's my seat now. Remember? I'm your replacement.
Cressen: And why didn't you wake me for the party?
Pylos: Because I was given specific instructions not to.
Cressen: What?! By who?!
Stannis: BY ME, BITCH.
Cressen: What?! Nooooooooo!
Stannis: Cressen, you are too old, too sick, and too confused to be of any use to me anymore. You refuse to even learn how to work the DVR.
Cressen: I enjoy having the VCR record my shows! How do you even play back the shows without a cassette tape?
Stannis: I've told you a million times, Cressen, the DVR stores them electronically. You can play them back whenever you wan't. You can quickly skip through the commercials. The image is digital and crisp. You don't get those lines, blips and ghosting like you do on the tapes that you've been re-using over and over. DVRs are like 20 year old technology, Cressen. You need to learn to use them.
Cressen: But... but... look... right next to you! The place of honor! Who gets to sit there?
Melisandre: Oh hi, that would be me!
She sits down.
Cressen: But... but... but...
Stannis: Get out of here, old man! Go sit down there with the unimportant characters.
And so Cressen meekly accepts it and starts to hobble away. Very slowly. He walks past the high table and they all avoid looking at his face. Except for Davos. Davos is willing to make eye contact.
Davos: Oh man, this is so awkward. Plus it's going to take him another half hour to get off this stage. Here, Pylos. Just sit in my seat. I'll go pull another one up for myself.
Cressen: Oh thank you, thank you so much.
Cressen sits down. He's angry by Stannis's words. But he knows it's not Stannis's fault. He loves Stannis and helped to raise him! Surely Stannis must be under the evil influence of that red witch. After she's dead, everything will be better and Stannis will go back to respecting him again.
The party picks back up again and Patchface goes dancing around.
Davos: Look at that, Cressen. Perhaps we should all wear a fool's outfit because we're all fools if we think that we'll be able to win this war. The Red Witch sees victory in her fire and wants us to march to war. But the numbers just don't add up. Just like the numbers behind the subprime mortgages and collateralized debt obligations that led to the collapse of the US housing market and the 2008 global financial crisis.
But Cressen doesn't respond back to Davos. Instead he turns to King Stannis again.
Cressen: Sire, I repeat my earlier remarks! We must seek an alliance with Robb Stark or Lysa Arryn if we want to win!
Selyse: Silence, Cressen! The Lord of Light is the only ally my husband needs!
Cressen: Gods make uncertain allies. I mean just think about the Trojan War. Ares was the god of war and he was on the Trojan side. The Trojans lost!
Lysene Captain, Salladhor Saan: Hrm... interesting story, Cressen. Why I had heard that these Trojans were a mighty force that could always hold the line. A line that could not be broken. But apparently Trojans do... hehe... occasionally... break. Would you say that's true?
Cressen: Yes, yes, Salladhor. That is true. That is an example of when Trojans do indeed break.
Salladhor Saan: I hate it when a Trojan breaks on me!
Crowd: *giggles*
Ser Axell Florent: Say now, Cressen. I suppose another way of putting that is by saying that the Trojans were "easily penetrated!"
Crowd: *giggles even louder*
Cressen: Yes, true. True! Through the trickery of the Greeks, there was indeed penetration.
Ser Axell Florent: Ah yes, those craft Greeks do like tricking people into penetration.
Crowd: *now openly laughing because they can't hold it back anymore*
Lord Ardrian Celtigar: Odd that you say that, Ser Axell. I was always under the impression that Trojans were not the ones to be penetrated. I always thought it was Trojans doing the penetrating!
Crowd: *uproarious guffawing and hoots*
Stannis: Okay everyone, okay. Everyone knock that shit off.
Cressen: What I'm trying to say here is... your filthy red god has no power here!
Melisandre: Haha, if you think that then you truly are a FOOL. Maybe you should put Patchface's horned helm back on.
Selyse: YES! YES! THIS!!! SO MUCH THIS! I order it now.
Cressen can't believe that shit. He stares at Stannis as if like, "No! You can't allow this."
Stannis: Nah shorty, leave me out of this shit. The Queen gave an order.
And so the fool's crown is put back on Cressen's head.
Crowd: Oh snap! This is even more funny the second time.
Selyse: Now that Cressen is our jester, he should sing a song for us and dance. Go on, dance, boy! Dance!
Stannis: Okay, that's a step too far now, bitch. Cressen may be a worthless, senile old man now. But he served me well for many years.
As they argue, Cressen sees Davos's wine glass and snatches it. He drops the purple strangler crystal in it. Davos straight up sees Cressen do this, but nobody else seems to have noticed.
Cressen: *whispers* Don't you be no snitch ass punk now!
He then stands up and turns to the crowd.
Cressen: *ahem*... A toast! A toast to the Red Witch and to her shitty fake god's power!
Melisandre: Yes. A great idea. Let us drink!
Davos: Psst! Cressen! Don't do this!
Cressen: Shut up! ... now... As I was saying... a toast! And Melisandre, it would be an honor if you shared this glass with me.
Melisandre: Sure thing. You don't have mono, right?
She grabs it from his hands and drinks almost the whole thing down. She then hands it back to him to finish.
Melisandre: Now... your turn.
He closes his eyes and reluctantly sips. He knows he will die... but he'll take Melisandre out with him. So it will all be worth it!!!
Cressen: Hahahaha! You're the real fool! The cup was poisoned and now you will--
Cressen begins choking on his own words. Mel just stands there, smiling as the red crystal on her choker starts to light up bright red. That's right, this hot bitch is wearing a choker like it's the 1990s and she don't give AF.
Cressen falls over and dies.
Melisandre: I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
Salladhor Saan: What the hell is iocane powder?
Melisandre: Oh, sorry. I meant "the Strangler."
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