Tyrion is having dinner with Janos Slynt, the new Lord of Harrenhal and the guy who sold out Ned Stark by having his City Watch side with Cersei.
The meal is a lavish one, and Tyrion has spared to expense. Especially on the alcohol side of things. Janos is getting ABSOLUTELY SHITFACED.
Janos: Oh man, this is good shtuff! This musht be a Pinot Noir... not one of those shhitty Merlots! Sho good.
Tyrion: Look bitch, I know the picture of you on A Wiki of Ice and Fire looks exactly like Paul Giamatti, but I don't need this pretentious "Sideways" wine snob shit from you. Everybody knows that all wines taste exactly the same and all the people who claim to be able to tell the difference between different regions and grape types are lying. It all tastes exactly the same with the only exception of amount of sugar in it. Time and time again, blind taste testing by supposed wine "experts" and sommeliers have proven that they are totally unable to identify specific wines or re-rate the wines they previously claimed were the best over other wines they said were inferior. This is due to the natural human biases where they hype up certain wines just because of their geographic origin, price, reputation, etc. Once you withhold that information, which informs their prejudices, they generally cannot accurately ID and rate those reputational wines. In one study, a statistical analysis of best-to-worst rankings of 18 wines by a roster of "experienced tasters" in a blind taste test showed about as much consistency as a table of random numbers. In fact, some tests have been done when they switched wine bottles to put a cheap table wine in a famous, expensive wine's bottle and an expensive wine into a cheap table wine's bottle. And you know what the experts did when they were allowed to see the bottles and select the better wines? They said the one in the famous, expensive bottle tasted better even though it was the table wine.
Janos: Wow, geezsh. Shorry I found your pet peeve. Jusht let me have shome more wine.
Tyrion pours him more wine.
Tyrion: You know, you're a bold man to take over Harrenhal. That place is cursed.
Janos: *hiccup* Shupershtition. Thatsh all that ish! And I am a bold man! Thatsh what Harrenhal needsh! *burp*
Tyrion: Hrm. Fair enough. And HEY, on the subject of you moving to Harrenhal, I guess we'll need to find a replacement for you to command the City Watch. Got any suggestions of a good, loyal man? Like maybe you could name the man you sent out to kill that unnamed ho from AGoT chapter 35 and her baby?
Janos: Oh yesh, that wash Allar Deem. He'sh a great choice! The besht! *hiccup*
Tyrion: Oh really? Not Ser Jacelyn Bywater? I heard that was a competent, cool dude.
Janos: Sher Bywster? HAHAHA! No! Why, I bet if shomeone ordered him to kill shome babies he wouldn't even... *hic*... do it!
Tyrion: Hrm. Yes. Yes. Interesting. Keep telling me more.
Janos: Shure thing! How about I tell you all about the exshecushion of Ned Shtark. It wash really all Joffrey's idea. Cshersei, Varysh and everyone elshe had noshing to do wish it.
Tyrion: Ah, I see. Cersei did plan to let Ned take up the Black. Speaking of which, that sounds like a very noble cause. Taking up the Black, I mean. Maybe you should do it. Along with Allar Deem.
Janos stares and says nothing, drunk and confused.
Tyrion: Nice new sigil you invented for your house too. Some sort of bloody spear? Tell me, is that supposed to represent the spear you drove into the back of Ned Stark?
Janos: HEY! SHCREW YOU YOU PIESHE OF SHHCIT! Shtark wash a traitor who tried... *hic*... to buy me.
Tyrion: Too bad you were already sold!
Janos: I will schlap you!
Tyrion: Oh, and what would my father, Twyin, think of that? I am the HAND OF THE KING. Here is my decree: your sons will inherent modest lands, but not Harrenhal. You and Allar Deem will be sent to the Wall and join the Night's Watch in place of Ned Stark. The ship Summer's Dream is waiting for you in harbor and will sail you north.
Janos: NEVER! I'll tell Cshersei! I'll tell Joffrey! Then maybe it will be YOU who goesh to the Wall!
Janos tries to storm out of the room, but as he gets to the door... he runs into Jacelyn Bywater and a number of other City Watch guards.
Tyrion: Oh... Janos, I forgot to introduce you to Jacelyn Bywater, the new Commander of the City Watch.
Janos: But you shaid... oh... oh... I shee what you did there.
The guards take Janos prisoner and march him away.
Tyrion: Oh, and Ser Jacelyn... make sure that Allar Deem has an "unfortunate accident" while aboard the ship.
Jacelyn Bywater: Well, you can't "make" someone have an "accident." "Making" implies intent, while "accidents" are inherently done without intent and are fairly random things that happen due to--
Tyrion: --Look man, just pay the ship's crew to have him thrown off the side at sea and drown. That's what I'm saying.
Jacelyn Bywater: Ah, gotcha.
Varys then creepily shows up, like he seems to always do at the exact right time.
Tyrion: AGH!!! Oh man, you scared the crap out of me, you creepy eunuch!
Varys: Oh, well done, ser. Well done indeed.
Tyrion: I'm tempted to do the same thing to you as I did to Deem.
Varys: Now why would you do that? Besides, I'm an expert swimmer. I won the Silver Medal in the Men's 100-meter freestyle at the 1971 Pan American games.
Tyrion: No you didn't. That was Brazilian swimmer José Aranha. Anyway, you're just as guilty as Slynt and the rest of them in helping to let the Queen go around and kill all of Robert's innocent bastard children. If you want me to allow you to live, you're going to have to stop holding secrets from me and be loyal to the Hand.
Varys: I know many secrets, Lord Hand.
Tyrion: And yet you did nothing to save this girl and her child from being murdered?
Varys: I cannot do everything. I did help to save another child of Robert, an older boy.
Tyrion: For the record, I just want to confirm we're talking about Gendry, right?
Varys: Yes. But I can assure you that I never assumed that the Queen would send people to execute the baseborn daughter of a prostitute. What threat did she pose? And oh, that poor girl! She loved Robert so.
Tyrion: Can a whore really love anyone?
Varys: She can love Benjamin Franklin. If you know what I mean. Because he's on the hundr--
Tyrion: --Yes, yes. I get it.
Varys: Okay.
Tyrion: Anyway, it seems from Slynt that Joffrey alone is responsible for Ned's death. So I can't blame that one on you. Although Slynt and the gold cloaks didn't seem all that surprised it happened.
Varys: With the gold cloaks on your side now, you can avoid such future problems. Although you still have to deal with the red cloaks loyal to your sister.
Tyrion: Oh, I'll figure out something to do with them. Besides, I've got my Vale mountain clansmen to protect me.
Varys: Whatever you say, Lord Hand. For you represent the realm, and so I serve you.
Tyrion: Like you served Jon Arryn and Ned Stark?
Varys: The same fate shall not happen to you, I'm sure. By the way... have you had more time to consider that riddle about power I gave you several chapters ago? Remember... the one about whether the sellsword would obey the king, the rich man or the septon. Who really holds the power?
Tyrion: Oh shit... THIS again? The rich man. We went over this.
Varys: Think about Ned Stark's death. Who really killed him? Joffrey who gave the command? Ser Ilyn who swung the sword? Or another?
Tyrion: Littlefinger who controlled the money. Again. The rich man. Why are you pretending like this is hard?
Varys: *sigh*... Just PRETEND like it's cryptic and ask me what the answer is.
Tyrion: Okay, FINE. What's the answer?
Varys: The answer is that there is no answer. Power resides where people believe it resides. Power is a mummer's trick. The cake is a lie.
Tyrion: Wow. Deep. I might decide to not kill you after all. Or maybe I still will. But if I do, I'll be sort of sad about it for a few minutes. Who exactly ARE you, Spider?
Varys: Just a humble servant toa child pretending to be Aegon Targaryen the realm, Lord Tyrion.
Tyrion: No, but who are you REALLY? Where did you come from? Who made you a eunuch?
Varys: Ah, a long and sad tale I'm afraid. Anyway... wanna know why I actually showed up here?
Tyrion: Sure.
Varys pulls a parchment out of his sleeve.
Varys: The captain of the White Hart galley plans to defect to Team Stannis. And the Redwyne brothers are attempting to sneak out of Kings Landing aboard the Moonrunner. Also, your clansman named "Macho Man" gave a brutal atomic elbow drop to a man who he claimed was cheating him at cards. It killed the man instantly.
Tyrion: Okay. I guess we execute the captain of the White Hart to teach a lesson to anyone else. Post extra guards on the Moonrunner to make sure the Redwynes can't escape... and about that card player... was he really cheating the Macho Man?
Varys: Yes, he was.
Tyrion: Well, then it seems like the Macho Man has done a service to the Kingdom by getting one less card cheat off the streets.
Varys: Very good, ser. And there is the business about the red comet. There are septons going through the streets claiming that the comet is an omen that the kingdom is full of corruption that will soon be purified.
Tyrion: Who cares? Let them say what they want.
Varys: But that's not the ONLY whisper I hear about the comet. I also hear then say it's really "Joffrey's comet," in celebration of the new king. Other theories include that it has to do with the Lord of Light and is a signal that Stannis is a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing; a sign about Ned Stark's death; a representation of the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces; a sign to a specific girl in Essos that she should light a fire to burn her husband's corpse and see if she can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch; a signal of a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth; a herald warning of a coming war; a hot sword on the forge; a sword covered in blood; a message lighting the way through the Haunted Woods for a campaign north soon to be launched by the Night's Watch; a message from the drowned god; or that it could simply be an icy, small body rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Tyrion: Are you done, Spider?
Varys: One last thing! When Lord Rosby proposed a toast to the king, Ser Balon Swann remarked they would need THREE cups for that... and many laughed.
Tyrion: Who gives a fuck?
Varys: Oh, I just figured that if Joffrey heard about that, he'd want to--
Tyrions: --Well we can't let Joffrey hear about it then, can we? A joke is not treason. It's just a joke. In fact, that's a pretty funny one. Don't waste my time with this shit.
Varys: Ah, a wise and merciful decision, ser.
Tyrion then leaves and returns to his solar, where he finds Bronn waiting.
Bronn: So, you get rid of that Slynt guy?
Tyrion: Yes. The deed is done. Although all I really did was replace a Littlefinger yes-man with a Varys yes-man. How is your recruiting of new sellswords going? Please tell me you haven't been killing the recruits.
Bronn: Meh. I didn't kill anyone who we could have used.
Tyrion: Well what happens if one of them winds up being better than you and kills you instead?
Bronn: Oh, you'll want to hire that one then.
Tyrion: What a dick. Tell me... would you kill a baby without question if you were ordered?
Bronn: Without question? Nah.
Tyrion: Oh, thank the gods.
Bronn: My question would be "how much?"
Tyrion: Yikes.
Tyrion then thinks about Shae... because, hey, Sibel Kekilli. He then goes to his private room and googles "Dilara" on an adult-focused "tube" website.
The meal is a lavish one, and Tyrion has spared to expense. Especially on the alcohol side of things. Janos is getting ABSOLUTELY SHITFACED.
Janos: Oh man, this is good shtuff! This musht be a Pinot Noir... not one of those shhitty Merlots! Sho good.
Tyrion: Look bitch, I know the picture of you on A Wiki of Ice and Fire looks exactly like Paul Giamatti, but I don't need this pretentious "Sideways" wine snob shit from you. Everybody knows that all wines taste exactly the same and all the people who claim to be able to tell the difference between different regions and grape types are lying. It all tastes exactly the same with the only exception of amount of sugar in it. Time and time again, blind taste testing by supposed wine "experts" and sommeliers have proven that they are totally unable to identify specific wines or re-rate the wines they previously claimed were the best over other wines they said were inferior. This is due to the natural human biases where they hype up certain wines just because of their geographic origin, price, reputation, etc. Once you withhold that information, which informs their prejudices, they generally cannot accurately ID and rate those reputational wines. In one study, a statistical analysis of best-to-worst rankings of 18 wines by a roster of "experienced tasters" in a blind taste test showed about as much consistency as a table of random numbers. In fact, some tests have been done when they switched wine bottles to put a cheap table wine in a famous, expensive wine's bottle and an expensive wine into a cheap table wine's bottle. And you know what the experts did when they were allowed to see the bottles and select the better wines? They said the one in the famous, expensive bottle tasted better even though it was the table wine.
Janos: Wow, geezsh. Shorry I found your pet peeve. Jusht let me have shome more wine.
Tyrion pours him more wine.
Tyrion: You know, you're a bold man to take over Harrenhal. That place is cursed.
Janos: *hiccup* Shupershtition. Thatsh all that ish! And I am a bold man! Thatsh what Harrenhal needsh! *burp*
Tyrion: Hrm. Fair enough. And HEY, on the subject of you moving to Harrenhal, I guess we'll need to find a replacement for you to command the City Watch. Got any suggestions of a good, loyal man? Like maybe you could name the man you sent out to kill that unnamed ho from AGoT chapter 35 and her baby?
Janos: Oh yesh, that wash Allar Deem. He'sh a great choice! The besht! *hiccup*
Tyrion: Oh really? Not Ser Jacelyn Bywater? I heard that was a competent, cool dude.
Janos: Sher Bywster? HAHAHA! No! Why, I bet if shomeone ordered him to kill shome babies he wouldn't even... *hic*... do it!
Tyrion: Hrm. Yes. Yes. Interesting. Keep telling me more.
Janos: Shure thing! How about I tell you all about the exshecushion of Ned Shtark. It wash really all Joffrey's idea. Cshersei, Varysh and everyone elshe had noshing to do wish it.
Tyrion: Ah, I see. Cersei did plan to let Ned take up the Black. Speaking of which, that sounds like a very noble cause. Taking up the Black, I mean. Maybe you should do it. Along with Allar Deem.
Janos stares and says nothing, drunk and confused.
Tyrion: Nice new sigil you invented for your house too. Some sort of bloody spear? Tell me, is that supposed to represent the spear you drove into the back of Ned Stark?
Janos: HEY! SHCREW YOU YOU PIESHE OF SHHCIT! Shtark wash a traitor who tried... *hic*... to buy me.
Tyrion: Too bad you were already sold!
Janos: I will schlap you!
Tyrion: Oh, and what would my father, Twyin, think of that? I am the HAND OF THE KING. Here is my decree: your sons will inherent modest lands, but not Harrenhal. You and Allar Deem will be sent to the Wall and join the Night's Watch in place of Ned Stark. The ship Summer's Dream is waiting for you in harbor and will sail you north.
Janos: NEVER! I'll tell Cshersei! I'll tell Joffrey! Then maybe it will be YOU who goesh to the Wall!
Janos tries to storm out of the room, but as he gets to the door... he runs into Jacelyn Bywater and a number of other City Watch guards.
Tyrion: Oh... Janos, I forgot to introduce you to Jacelyn Bywater, the new Commander of the City Watch.
Janos: But you shaid... oh... oh... I shee what you did there.
The guards take Janos prisoner and march him away.
Tyrion: Oh, and Ser Jacelyn... make sure that Allar Deem has an "unfortunate accident" while aboard the ship.
Jacelyn Bywater: Well, you can't "make" someone have an "accident." "Making" implies intent, while "accidents" are inherently done without intent and are fairly random things that happen due to--
Tyrion: --Look man, just pay the ship's crew to have him thrown off the side at sea and drown. That's what I'm saying.
Jacelyn Bywater: Ah, gotcha.
Varys then creepily shows up, like he seems to always do at the exact right time.
Tyrion: AGH!!! Oh man, you scared the crap out of me, you creepy eunuch!
Varys: Oh, well done, ser. Well done indeed.
Tyrion: I'm tempted to do the same thing to you as I did to Deem.
Varys: Now why would you do that? Besides, I'm an expert swimmer. I won the Silver Medal in the Men's 100-meter freestyle at the 1971 Pan American games.
Tyrion: No you didn't. That was Brazilian swimmer José Aranha. Anyway, you're just as guilty as Slynt and the rest of them in helping to let the Queen go around and kill all of Robert's innocent bastard children. If you want me to allow you to live, you're going to have to stop holding secrets from me and be loyal to the Hand.
Varys: I know many secrets, Lord Hand.
Tyrion: And yet you did nothing to save this girl and her child from being murdered?
Varys: I cannot do everything. I did help to save another child of Robert, an older boy.
Tyrion: For the record, I just want to confirm we're talking about Gendry, right?
Varys: Yes. But I can assure you that I never assumed that the Queen would send people to execute the baseborn daughter of a prostitute. What threat did she pose? And oh, that poor girl! She loved Robert so.
Tyrion: Can a whore really love anyone?
Varys: She can love Benjamin Franklin. If you know what I mean. Because he's on the hundr--
Tyrion: --Yes, yes. I get it.
Varys: Okay.
Tyrion: Anyway, it seems from Slynt that Joffrey alone is responsible for Ned's death. So I can't blame that one on you. Although Slynt and the gold cloaks didn't seem all that surprised it happened.
Varys: With the gold cloaks on your side now, you can avoid such future problems. Although you still have to deal with the red cloaks loyal to your sister.
Tyrion: Oh, I'll figure out something to do with them. Besides, I've got my Vale mountain clansmen to protect me.
Varys: Whatever you say, Lord Hand. For you represent the realm, and so I serve you.
Tyrion: Like you served Jon Arryn and Ned Stark?
Varys: The same fate shall not happen to you, I'm sure. By the way... have you had more time to consider that riddle about power I gave you several chapters ago? Remember... the one about whether the sellsword would obey the king, the rich man or the septon. Who really holds the power?
Tyrion: Oh shit... THIS again? The rich man. We went over this.
Varys: Think about Ned Stark's death. Who really killed him? Joffrey who gave the command? Ser Ilyn who swung the sword? Or another?
Tyrion: Littlefinger who controlled the money. Again. The rich man. Why are you pretending like this is hard?
Varys: *sigh*... Just PRETEND like it's cryptic and ask me what the answer is.
Tyrion: Okay, FINE. What's the answer?
Varys: The answer is that there is no answer. Power resides where people believe it resides. Power is a mummer's trick. The cake is a lie.
Tyrion: Wow. Deep. I might decide to not kill you after all. Or maybe I still will. But if I do, I'll be sort of sad about it for a few minutes. Who exactly ARE you, Spider?
Varys: Just a humble servant to
Tyrion: No, but who are you REALLY? Where did you come from? Who made you a eunuch?
Varys: Ah, a long and sad tale I'm afraid. Anyway... wanna know why I actually showed up here?
Tyrion: Sure.
Varys pulls a parchment out of his sleeve.
Varys: The captain of the White Hart galley plans to defect to Team Stannis. And the Redwyne brothers are attempting to sneak out of Kings Landing aboard the Moonrunner. Also, your clansman named "Macho Man" gave a brutal atomic elbow drop to a man who he claimed was cheating him at cards. It killed the man instantly.
Tyrion: Okay. I guess we execute the captain of the White Hart to teach a lesson to anyone else. Post extra guards on the Moonrunner to make sure the Redwynes can't escape... and about that card player... was he really cheating the Macho Man?
Varys: Yes, he was.
Tyrion: Well, then it seems like the Macho Man has done a service to the Kingdom by getting one less card cheat off the streets.
Varys: Very good, ser. And there is the business about the red comet. There are septons going through the streets claiming that the comet is an omen that the kingdom is full of corruption that will soon be purified.
Tyrion: Who cares? Let them say what they want.
Varys: But that's not the ONLY whisper I hear about the comet. I also hear then say it's really "Joffrey's comet," in celebration of the new king. Other theories include that it has to do with the Lord of Light and is a signal that Stannis is a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing; a sign about Ned Stark's death; a representation of the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces; a sign to a specific girl in Essos that she should light a fire to burn her husband's corpse and see if she can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch; a signal of a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth; a herald warning of a coming war; a hot sword on the forge; a sword covered in blood; a message lighting the way through the Haunted Woods for a campaign north soon to be launched by the Night's Watch; a message from the drowned god; or that it could simply be an icy, small body rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Tyrion: Are you done, Spider?
Varys: One last thing! When Lord Rosby proposed a toast to the king, Ser Balon Swann remarked they would need THREE cups for that... and many laughed.
Tyrion: Who gives a fuck?
Varys: Oh, I just figured that if Joffrey heard about that, he'd want to--
Tyrions: --Well we can't let Joffrey hear about it then, can we? A joke is not treason. It's just a joke. In fact, that's a pretty funny one. Don't waste my time with this shit.
Varys: Ah, a wise and merciful decision, ser.
Tyrion then leaves and returns to his solar, where he finds Bronn waiting.
Bronn: So, you get rid of that Slynt guy?
Tyrion: Yes. The deed is done. Although all I really did was replace a Littlefinger yes-man with a Varys yes-man. How is your recruiting of new sellswords going? Please tell me you haven't been killing the recruits.
Bronn: Meh. I didn't kill anyone who we could have used.
Tyrion: Well what happens if one of them winds up being better than you and kills you instead?
Bronn: Oh, you'll want to hire that one then.
Tyrion: What a dick. Tell me... would you kill a baby without question if you were ordered?
Bronn: Without question? Nah.
Tyrion: Oh, thank the gods.
Bronn: My question would be "how much?"
Tyrion: Yikes.
Tyrion then thinks about Shae... because, hey, Sibel Kekilli. He then goes to his private room and googles "Dilara" on an adult-focused "tube" website.
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