ACoK 6: Jon I

In the Castle Black Library...

Jon: Sam, is your nerdy ass in here?

Sam: Whattup? Sorry, I lost track of time reading all these awesome books. Reading is SO MUCH FUN! And also... FUNdamental. Anyway, Aemon sent me here to find some maps of the lands beyond the Wall for Mormont.

Jon: Books are stupid. Especially long books. Long books and you have to wait years and years for the sequel and you never know when they are going to come out. So you got the maps or what?

Sam: Yes! Tons of them! Here are maps of Wildling villages. Here is a map of ranging parties from 400 years ago. Here is a map of Middle Earth. And here is a map of--

Jon: --Shut up and just give me the maps that matter. Like this one here. This looks SUPER important.

John looks at a map which says "Directions to Exact Location of Three-Eyed Crow and the Armies of the Others, with Specific Instructions on How to Destroy the Others and Save the Seven Kingdoms."  Jon picks up the map and it crumbles to pieces before his eyes. 

Jon: Whatever. It probably wasn't that important anyway.

Sam: Oh yeah, some of these documents are really old. They need to be carefully handled and copied every few hundred years to save them. Why, I imagine some of these documents have been re-copied dozens of times!  Like... look at this record of how much pickled cod the Night's Watch ate 600 years ago.

Jon: SRSLY WGAF?

Sam: Oh, it can tell us a lot! Knowing how much picked cod the Watch needed tells us how many men the Watch had then, how they lived, and what they ate. It's a treasure trove of information.

Jon: Whatever. You can read all that bullshit when we return from our ranging beyond the wall.

Sam: You mean IF we return from our ranging beyond the wall.

Jon: Well, I'm a main character with POV chapters, so I'll be okay. You though, I dunno...

Sam: Oh yeah, because being a POV chapter guy worked so well for your dad.

Jon: Rhaegar Targaryen doesn't have any POV chapters.

Sam: I'm talking about NED.

Jon: Oh yeah. Right. *shifty eyes*  Anyway, this seems like a good time to drop some exposition about our venture north of the Wall.  Lord Commander Mormont will lead you, me, and 200 seasoned men of the Night's Watch on an expedition. There, we will meet up with another 100 men from the Shadow Tower led by Qhorin Halfhand, the second-in-command over there.

Sam: Oh wow, I wonder why he has the name "Halfhand."

Jon: Because Wildlings cut off three of the fingers on his right hand with an ax, leaving only his thumb and index fingers. It's tragic, but at least he still has the two necessary fingers remaining on his hand in order to make a gun sign and go "pew pew" like he's firing a laser.  Anyway, the purpose of this expedition is to go on a "great ranging," which has a fourfold purpose:

1. First, to discover why exactly the Wildlings who lived so close to the Wall in previous years have now vanished and where they have gone to;
2. Second, to learn more about the "King-Beyond-the-Wall," Mance Rayder, who we conveniently name-dropped in the last book with some clever foreshadowing;
3. Third, to discover if we can find out what happened to my uncle Benjen as well as other missing members of the Watch, such as Ser Waymar Royce. We have been getting a ton of letters from Waymar's father, Yohn Royce, asking about his son. Quite frankly, it's getting annoying; 
4. And lastly, to discover any further information about what caused the corpses of Jafer Flowers and Othor to rise from the dead and become Wights. 

Sam: I thought they were always white. 

Jon: No. WIGHTS. 

Sam: Ah. Well anyway, I don't want to go on this trip. I'm a coward and I was selected to be a Steward. By definition, I should still be a Steward and stay here doing Steward stuff at Castle Black. I should not go Ranging. Because I am not a Ranger.

Jon: Well, we need someone literate and able to handle the Ravens, so that we can send the Ravens back to the Castle to update them on information we discover and to request assistance if we need any. So either you or Aemon goes with us. And Aemon is a 100 year old blind man, so that's not really a good idea.

Sam: I still don't want to go. I'm afraid! I'm not courageous like the rest of you.

Jon: Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.

Sam: Wow, that was pretty inspiring.

Jon: I Stole it from "Doctor Who."

Sam: Ugh. Whatever. Fine. I'll gather the stupid maps so we can go up North and die. 

The next day, Jon wakes up early and is getting ansty in anticipation of heading out on the ranging. Which will be soon. It's still dark and the only light in the sky is that of the Red Comet. 

Random Brother of the Night's Watch: Hey! I wonder what that is. 

Other Random Brother: I hear it's "Mormont's Torch," which was sent by the gods in order to light our journey through the Haunted Forrest. 

Random Brother: Oh really? Because I hear that it's really "Joffrey's comet," in celebration of the new king. Other theories include that it has to do with the Lord of Light and is a signal that Stannis is a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing; a sign about Ned Stark's death; a representation of the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces; a sign to a specific girl in Essos that she should light a fire to burn her husband's corpse and see if she can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch; a signal of a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth; a herald warning of a coming war; a hot sword on the forge; a sword covered in blood; a message that the kingdom is full of corruption that will soon be purified; or perhaps even a message from the drowned god.

Other Random Brother: Well, I think it could simply be an icy, small body rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the c--

--Jon Snow runs up with Longclaw and cuts down the Other Random Brother. 

Jon: --OKAY! OKAY! That's enough of that. Please stop this! Nobody cares about this damn comet!

Jon thinks about what to do next. Some of the Watch have gone off to Mole's Town to be with some hookers before they go off to their probably deaths north of the wall. Other men have gone to the sept to pray. Jon finds neither of those options appealing and instead broods because he really likes brooding.  As he broods, he watches Endrew Tarth, the new Master at Arms who has replaced Alliser Thorne (while he's on his mission to deliver that Wight hand to King Joffrey), train new recruits. 

Jon: Oh wow, I wonder how Endrew is related to Brienne! Not that I know who that is because I've never met her and that character hasn't even been introduced... yet. 

It's undetermined. 

Donal Noye, the One-Handed Armorer: Hey, what do you think about these new recruits, Snow? We got them from near Gulltown. They are a brigand, a barber, a beggar, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, two orphans, and a boy whore.

Jon: I mean they probably can't be any worse than Sam. Also... boy whore? 

Noye: Oh hey... how does it feel to be half-brother of a KING. Amiright? You heard about that... right? Right?

Jon: Yes, my bro Robb was crowed King in the North. Sounds pretty cool.

Noye: Too bad you'll never be crowned King in the North. You know, because you're a bastard and you've sworn your life to the Night's Watch... which means that you have to serve with us until the day you die. 

Jon: True. 

Noye: Although I guess TECHNICALLY if you died one day and came back to life afterwards, you will have fulfilled your oath and could leave the Watch to become a King. Sort of a loophole there in the oath. 

Jon: Dude, stop talking about people coming back from the dead. You know with this Othor and Jafer thing that we're all already super creeped out about stuff like that.  Anyway, Robb is cool and I bet he'll be a great King. 

Noye: Well, I said that about Robert Baratheon a long time ago because he was such a great soldier. But honestly he sucked as a king. I guess it just goes to show that being great in battle doesn't mean you'd be a great ruler. There is a difference between winning the war and winning the peace. 

Jon: Okay, okay. I get it. George R.R. Martin's depictions of Robert and Robb, both stand-ins representing versions of Edward IV, are partially a metaphor against the logic of military leaders as heads of state. I get it. No need to hit us over the head with it. 

Jon and Sam then meet up and head over to the Lord Commander's solar. 

Sam: *gasp*gasp*  So many steps to get up here!

Jon: Stop whining, fatty.  If you don't want to deal with steps... then you'll really enjoy the great ranging, since there will be none up north.

Lord Commander Mormont: Ah, took you long enough to get your asses here!

Raven: CORN!

Thoren Smallwood: --Lord Commander! Your place is here at Castle Black. I insist you not go on this expedition!

Jon: Oh wow. Way to just ignore our entry into this scene and continue whatever conversation you were having before we showed up. By the way... who the hell are you? Have you been introduced in these books yet? So many characters, I'm losing track.

Thoren: No, this is my introduction to the book series. I am Thoren Smallwood. Although never mentioned in the previous book at all, I was apparently an untrustworthy henchman of Alliser Thorne the whole time. You're just supposed to pretend I was a character all along like when they added Dawn to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Following the death of Ser Jaremy Rykker via the Wights, command of the Rangers now falls to me. And as the new First Ranger, I should lead the Ranging. Not you, Lord Commander. You're too old anyway. 

Mormont: Shut up, Thoren. You're technically only ACTING First Ranger until we confirm that Benjen is dead. I'm the HNIC and I will lead this ranging. Now GETOUTTAHERE!

Thoren grumbles and leaves.

Mormont: Pfft, I'd rather have that cowardly fat shit SAM as the First Ranger than Thoren. 

Sam: Dude, I'm standing right here. 

Mormont: I know, now let me see those damn maps that I asked for. 

Sam lays the maps out on the table.

Mormont: Are these all we have?  They maps look old as hell. Look, there is a Chi-Chi's on this map here. Chi-Chi's has been out of business for over a decade. Which is a shame because I really liked their tortillas. 

Raven: CORN!

Mormont: Yes, I think the corn ones were better. Although the flour ones were okay too. 

Sam: Okay, so the maps are not  up to date, so some of the villages on the map are probably wrong now. But all the geography will still be correct. 

Mormont: And make sure to bring the BEST ravens with us on this trip! We need reliable ravens to send word back to the Castle in the event we're all butchered like cows. Just cut up into filet and ribeye and chuck steak. Blood everywhere. Our eyes torn out of our rotting faces by birds and our bones used as decorations for Wildling outfits. 

Sam gets dizzy and vomits everywhere.

Raven: CORN! 

Mormont: Pussy. You won't last long up there north of the Wall if you don't man up. I sort of knew that already, which is why I almost sent you down to meet with Renly to ask for more recruits for the Watch, like I sent Alliser to Joffrey. I don't care what king I get men from. I just need more men! It's raining kings up in this bitch. Even Aemon could have been a king a long time ago, but he turned it down.

Jon: Wow, I didn't know that. 

Mormont: Well, now you do. I could tell you a long, ponderous story about the whole history of how Aemon was offered the crown and turned it down as a metaphor for your relationship with your brother the King in the North and how you need to keep your vows, but I won't. 

Raven: KING! KING!

Jon: Haha, wow. I guess that raven thinks you should have a crown, Lord Commander.

Mormont: Nah. Too many damn kings already.