Cat is in Riverrun, watching her son adjust his new ill-fitting crown. It looks a lot like the crown that Torrhen Stark used to wear before he bent the knee to Aegon the Conqueror, or at least it looks like what the records describe the crown as looking like. The actual crown was lost centuries ago. Probably melted down into coins or sold on eBay.
Robb's guards march forward a captive they recently aquired from a military victory - Ser Cleos Frey. Despite his "Frey" last name - his mom is a Lannister and he was actually on the side of the Lannisters. He was captured in the Battle of the Whispering Woods (the same battle where they captured Jaime).
Robb: Okay Cleos, here is what we're gonna do. And if you don't listen up, my doggo is going to eat you.
Grey Wind: *Woof* [Translation: Yes, I am].
Robb: You shall be my envoy to Queen Cersei. I will send you to Kings Landing and you will give her my terms for peace. First, the Queen must release my sisters and return them to me. I'll trade them for Tion Frey and William Lannister. Second, Sansa's betrothal to Joffrey is OBVIOUSLY off. Third, I want my dad's bones also returned to us so they can be respectfully buried in that creepy-ass crypt. Fourth, Ice shall be returned to me and most definitely should NOT be melted into two different swords. Fifth, Lord Tywin will release all the knights and bannermen he has captured in battle at the Green Fork and Trident. I will then return all of the Lannister captives I have EXCEPT for Jaime Lannister. Sixth, Joffrey will renounce all claims over the north and will accept that I am King of the North, the Riverlands, and all the way to the Mountain of the Moons. And lastly, I'd like Cersei to do a walk through the streets naked so that everyone in Kings Landing can say they have seen her bewbs.
Greatjon: HELL YEAH! YOU TELL THOSE BITCHES! KING IN THE NORTH!
Rickard Karstark: Ugh. Peace terms with the Lannisters? Never! They killed my sons! *storms out*
Cleos: Uhhh.... suuuuure. I'll deliver that message. But Cersei is, you know, not actually going to accept it. Especially that bewbs part. She would never agree to that no matter what. That will never happen.
Robb: Whatevs. I don't care. Now be off!
The King in the North sends Cleos away.
Cat: Wow, I'm real proud of you, son. That was great work you did there. But you saw Rickard leave, right? You know, some of your men are pissed that you're even asking for peace terms. And speaking of those peace terms... they were SUPER harsh. You know she won't accept them.
Robb: Yeah, totally. It's sort of just meant as a giant middle finger to her. I want vengeance just as much as Karstark.
Cat: Cersei doesn't care about anyone else. She wants Jaime back. She wants that D. You'll never get your sisters back unless you trade him for them.
Robb: Meh.
Cat: What... scared to face Jaime on the battlefield?
Edmure Tully: Sister, don't antagonize the boy.
Robb: Okay, FIRST... Mom, I ain't scared of Jaime and I'll kick his ass again. SECOND, Uncle Edmure... don't EVER call me "boy" again... I will mess your shit up. Third, I would have traded Jaime for dad. But that obviously won't happen now.
Cat: So you're saying Jaime is worth a man's life but not for two girls' lives?
Robb: Pretty much, yes. This is a medieval society and female lives have practically no value. Especially Sansa's life. Now let's change the damn subject. Mom, I'm sending you back to the Freys to help choose my new wife. Then after that you can go home and stay with Bran and Rickon.
Cat: Are you trying to get rid of me?
Robb: Yes.
Cat: Aren't you old enough to make the decision about your next wife yourself?
Robb: Shut up and listen to your king. Next point of order... Theon. I'm sending him to Pyke to negotiate with Balon Greyjoy so he can ally with us against these Lannisters.
Cat: That's a terrible idea. He's our hostage. We'd have better luck just keeping him as our hostage and ordering Balon to join us or we kill him.
Robb: What? NO WAY! Theon is, like, totally like a brother to me. He's not a hostage anymore. He's like my best friend. Totally loyal. 100%.
Cat: Ugh. I can see how this is going to go. Balon will probably betray us and declare himself a King again.
Robb: Who cares? The Iron Isles can become independent from the Seven Kingdoms, just like the North is now. Now get out my face, mom. I'm busy being KING up in here.
He walks away. Cat then decides to go visit her dying father. Inside his solar, she finds him sleeping there with the Blackfish by his side.
Cat: Oh wow, good to see you two talking again. Does Robb know you're back?
Blackfish: Nah, I didn't interrupt his meeting to bring the news I have to bring. It needs to be given to him in private.
Cat: Well... WHAT IS THE NEWS?!
Blackfish: Shhh! Don't wake up your dad. Let's go out on the balcony and talk.
They head to the balcony. There they see the comet.
Blackfish: There... see it? My men call it the "Red Messenger."
Cat: Greatjon says it's a sign of vengeance for the murder of my husband.
Blackfish: Edmure think it represents the Tully colors - a fish of red against a blue background. An omen of victory for our Tully forces.
Cat: I only see the red of House Lannister.
Blackfish: It is neither Lannister nor Tully red. But a smear of blood across the sky.
Cat: Or maybe it represents [copy/paste the shitty comet joke from the previous 6 chapters].
Blackfish: So anyway, the news is that the war is spreading. Almost all the way up to the Twins. Beric Dondarrion has been harassing Lord Tywin’s raiders and has been quite successful at it. At first we heard news that Beric was killed by Ser Burton Crakehall. But then after that we heard news that Beric and his boy Thoros of Myr were seen at ANOTHER battle soon after.
Cat: Oh wow... what a crazy discrepancy. so is Beric alive or dead?
Dun Dunnn DUNNNNNNNN!
Blackfish: *shrugs*... Anyway, Edmure should have never let his riverlords return to their lands. They're being picked off one by one by Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane. I won't name the specific riverlords being killed because they are largely irrelevant and those names will never be mentioned again in these books. Except for that eight year old Lyman Darry kid. Because he's the last in his line of House Darry, therefore leaving the House Darry open to be claimed. Probably by some dipshit like Lancel Lannister or something, huh? Anyway, the Mountain's head on a pike would make a great late Christmas gift for Robb this holiday season.
Cat: The Mountain may be awful, but he's just the lackey for Tywin Lannister -- the TRUE danger.
Blackfish: Agreed. He's sitting safe at Harrenhal while he sends out men like the Mountain, Ser Amory Lorch and some Qohorik sellsword who are going around raping, pillaging and burning.
Cat: Once you tell the men that, they are going to want to march south to attack Tywin. But that is EXACTLY what Tywin would want us to do. And we should never give him what he wants. Unless what he wants is the sweet release of death. In which case... yeah.
Blackfish: That's not even the worst part. The worst part is that Ser Stafford Lannister is gathering a new host at Casterly Rock. They men are still green but Twyin has time on his side. He will wait patiently as his army grows stronger.
Cat: Damnit! We need to make Tywin move out of Harrenhal somehow. But HOW? If only there were some way he could feel threatened enough to have to uproot from the castle.
Blackfish: Oh, you mean... like... the army of Lord Renly marching on him?
Cat: Well, it's KING Renly now.
Blackfish: Obviously Renly would want something in return if he were to aide us.
Cat: Well, I guess I'm going to have to seduce him with my sexy redhead charm! I'm single now anyway.
Blackfish: Hahaha, oh WOW. You really don't know about Renly, do you?
Robb's guards march forward a captive they recently aquired from a military victory - Ser Cleos Frey. Despite his "Frey" last name - his mom is a Lannister and he was actually on the side of the Lannisters. He was captured in the Battle of the Whispering Woods (the same battle where they captured Jaime).
Robb: Okay Cleos, here is what we're gonna do. And if you don't listen up, my doggo is going to eat you.
Grey Wind: *Woof* [Translation: Yes, I am].
Robb: You shall be my envoy to Queen Cersei. I will send you to Kings Landing and you will give her my terms for peace. First, the Queen must release my sisters and return them to me. I'll trade them for Tion Frey and William Lannister. Second, Sansa's betrothal to Joffrey is OBVIOUSLY off. Third, I want my dad's bones also returned to us so they can be respectfully buried in that creepy-ass crypt. Fourth, Ice shall be returned to me and most definitely should NOT be melted into two different swords. Fifth, Lord Tywin will release all the knights and bannermen he has captured in battle at the Green Fork and Trident. I will then return all of the Lannister captives I have EXCEPT for Jaime Lannister. Sixth, Joffrey will renounce all claims over the north and will accept that I am King of the North, the Riverlands, and all the way to the Mountain of the Moons. And lastly, I'd like Cersei to do a walk through the streets naked so that everyone in Kings Landing can say they have seen her bewbs.
Greatjon: HELL YEAH! YOU TELL THOSE BITCHES! KING IN THE NORTH!
Rickard Karstark: Ugh. Peace terms with the Lannisters? Never! They killed my sons! *storms out*
Cleos: Uhhh.... suuuuure. I'll deliver that message. But Cersei is, you know, not actually going to accept it. Especially that bewbs part. She would never agree to that no matter what. That will never happen.
Robb: Whatevs. I don't care. Now be off!
The King in the North sends Cleos away.
Cat: Wow, I'm real proud of you, son. That was great work you did there. But you saw Rickard leave, right? You know, some of your men are pissed that you're even asking for peace terms. And speaking of those peace terms... they were SUPER harsh. You know she won't accept them.
Robb: Yeah, totally. It's sort of just meant as a giant middle finger to her. I want vengeance just as much as Karstark.
Cat: Cersei doesn't care about anyone else. She wants Jaime back. She wants that D. You'll never get your sisters back unless you trade him for them.
Robb: Meh.
Cat: What... scared to face Jaime on the battlefield?
Edmure Tully: Sister, don't antagonize the boy.
Robb: Okay, FIRST... Mom, I ain't scared of Jaime and I'll kick his ass again. SECOND, Uncle Edmure... don't EVER call me "boy" again... I will mess your shit up. Third, I would have traded Jaime for dad. But that obviously won't happen now.
Cat: So you're saying Jaime is worth a man's life but not for two girls' lives?
Robb: Pretty much, yes. This is a medieval society and female lives have practically no value. Especially Sansa's life. Now let's change the damn subject. Mom, I'm sending you back to the Freys to help choose my new wife. Then after that you can go home and stay with Bran and Rickon.
Cat: Are you trying to get rid of me?
Robb: Yes.
Cat: Aren't you old enough to make the decision about your next wife yourself?
Robb: Shut up and listen to your king. Next point of order... Theon. I'm sending him to Pyke to negotiate with Balon Greyjoy so he can ally with us against these Lannisters.
Cat: That's a terrible idea. He's our hostage. We'd have better luck just keeping him as our hostage and ordering Balon to join us or we kill him.
Robb: What? NO WAY! Theon is, like, totally like a brother to me. He's not a hostage anymore. He's like my best friend. Totally loyal. 100%.
Cat: Ugh. I can see how this is going to go. Balon will probably betray us and declare himself a King again.
Robb: Who cares? The Iron Isles can become independent from the Seven Kingdoms, just like the North is now. Now get out my face, mom. I'm busy being KING up in here.
He walks away. Cat then decides to go visit her dying father. Inside his solar, she finds him sleeping there with the Blackfish by his side.
Cat: Oh wow, good to see you two talking again. Does Robb know you're back?
Blackfish: Nah, I didn't interrupt his meeting to bring the news I have to bring. It needs to be given to him in private.
Cat: Well... WHAT IS THE NEWS?!
Blackfish: Shhh! Don't wake up your dad. Let's go out on the balcony and talk.
They head to the balcony. There they see the comet.
Blackfish: There... see it? My men call it the "Red Messenger."
Cat: Greatjon says it's a sign of vengeance for the murder of my husband.
Blackfish: Edmure think it represents the Tully colors - a fish of red against a blue background. An omen of victory for our Tully forces.
Cat: I only see the red of House Lannister.
Blackfish: It is neither Lannister nor Tully red. But a smear of blood across the sky.
Cat: Or maybe it represents [copy/paste the shitty comet joke from the previous 6 chapters].
Blackfish: So anyway, the news is that the war is spreading. Almost all the way up to the Twins. Beric Dondarrion has been harassing Lord Tywin’s raiders and has been quite successful at it. At first we heard news that Beric was killed by Ser Burton Crakehall. But then after that we heard news that Beric and his boy Thoros of Myr were seen at ANOTHER battle soon after.
Cat: Oh wow... what a crazy discrepancy. so is Beric alive or dead?
Dun Dunnn DUNNNNNNNN!
Blackfish: *shrugs*... Anyway, Edmure should have never let his riverlords return to their lands. They're being picked off one by one by Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane. I won't name the specific riverlords being killed because they are largely irrelevant and those names will never be mentioned again in these books. Except for that eight year old Lyman Darry kid. Because he's the last in his line of House Darry, therefore leaving the House Darry open to be claimed. Probably by some dipshit like Lancel Lannister or something, huh? Anyway, the Mountain's head on a pike would make a great late Christmas gift for Robb this holiday season.
Cat: The Mountain may be awful, but he's just the lackey for Tywin Lannister -- the TRUE danger.
Blackfish: Agreed. He's sitting safe at Harrenhal while he sends out men like the Mountain, Ser Amory Lorch and some Qohorik sellsword who are going around raping, pillaging and burning.
Cat: Once you tell the men that, they are going to want to march south to attack Tywin. But that is EXACTLY what Tywin would want us to do. And we should never give him what he wants. Unless what he wants is the sweet release of death. In which case... yeah.
Blackfish: That's not even the worst part. The worst part is that Ser Stafford Lannister is gathering a new host at Casterly Rock. They men are still green but Twyin has time on his side. He will wait patiently as his army grows stronger.
Cat: Damnit! We need to make Tywin move out of Harrenhal somehow. But HOW? If only there were some way he could feel threatened enough to have to uproot from the castle.
Blackfish: Oh, you mean... like... the army of Lord Renly marching on him?
Cat: Well, it's KING Renly now.
Blackfish: Obviously Renly would want something in return if he were to aide us.
Cat: Well, I guess I'm going to have to seduce him with my sexy redhead charm! I'm single now anyway.
Blackfish: Hahaha, oh WOW. You really don't know about Renly, do you?
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