Dany and her khas build a giant funeral pyre for Khal Drogo, a good ol' Dothraki custom.
Aggo: Fun fact, Dothraki are part Jedi.
Rakharo: And also half-Viking.
Aggo and Rakharo then kill a stallion and throw it in on the pyre, so that Drogo could have a stallion to ride in the afterlife.
Dany: Wait... haven't a bunch of horses already died? Can't he just ride those ones? Why do we have to kill another horse? That just seems needless. Now bring out my SPECIAL GUEST!
Her khas bring Mirri Maz Durr forward, all bound up in ropes.
Mirri Maz Dur: Oh, I see what's going on here. Trying to set up some sort of fire and make some blood sacrifices to bring your dead husband back? You know, I could help you. Just untie me and I can help.
Dany: Nope. You guesses wrong, bitch.
Dany snaps her fingers and they throw Mirri in the pyre and then throw all sorts of other stuff on the pyre on top of her that Drogo will need in the afterlife. Drogo's treasures. Gold. Gems. His vinyl Four Tops albums.
Jhogo: What about Drogo's UGG boots?
Dany: Eww. I agree they should be thrown in a fire and burned, but I'm not sure they'll be needed in the afterlife. So save them for some tire fire later. And also save the weapons. Don't burn those. I want you all to be my bloodriders! To Jhogo... I give you the silver-handled whip. To Aggo... I give you the double-curved black dragonbone bow. To Rakharo... I give you the gold-chased arakh. And to Donatello... I give you... hehehe... this shitty Bō. Hahaha. Oh man. It's just a wooden stick! SHAFTED AGAIN, DONATELLO!
Donatello: That's so Bogus, April!
Dany: Why do you keep calling me "April?"
Donatello leaves to go eat pizza and "do" machines.
Jhogo: Khaleesi... this shall not be so! I cannot be a bloodrider to a WOMAN!
Aggo: Yeah, only a man can lead a Khalasar.
Rakharo: Same here. I am willing to lead you back to Vaes Dothrak so that you can join the dosh khaleen crones. But after that, we're done... professionally.
Dany: Yeah, whatever. We'll see about that. Now, to you Jorah. I give to you... an IOU on a Valyrian steel sword. And I name you as the first of my Queensguard.
Jorah: It will be an honor to be your bodyguard. Always so close to you. Very close. And maybe just like in "The Bodyguard" you will fall in love with me.
Dany: Huh? What did you say?
Jorah: What?
Dany: Excuse me?
Jorah: Huh?
Dany then goes to take another bath in a completely unnecessary exploitation scene. After that, she readies Drogo's body and orders it to be carried into the pyre.
She also brings along her dragon eggs and throws them in there too. She sets them around Drogo's body. She then starts pouring gasoline everywhere.
Jorah: My queen, just what are you planning here? You're not thinking of throwing yourself on this pyre too, are you?
Dany: What? Hahahaha.... Noooooo.*shifty eyes* Nooooooooooooooooo.
She then starts pouring gasoline down Mirri Maz Dur's mouth.
Mirri Maz Dur: You're a mad woman! A MAD WOMAN! You will not hear me scream.
Dany: Wanna bet?
Jhogo: Oh hey look! A red comet in the sky.
Dany: That's enough of a sign for me.
She lights a match and throws it in there. It lights up like Christmas decorations in an affluent, white neighborhood.
Mirri Maz Dur: AGHHH! AGHHH! FUUUCK! FUUUCK!!! FUCCKKK!!! AGHHHHHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH! MY FACE IS MELTING OFF! AGHHHHHH!!! OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK! AGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Dany: Thanks for teaching me so much, sheepbitch. Only death can pay for life.
Dany stares at the flames. She watched Mirri burn to ashes. She watches her husband get extra crispy and turn to dust. In the smoke and flames, she thinks she sees a vision of her husband, riding his horse and doing that stuff he loved to do like rape and murder innocent people.
Dany: Flames. Soooooooo prettttyyyyyyy!
She starts to walk in them.
Jorah: Khaleesi, NO!
But it's too late. She walks into the fire. The pyre collapses on her and dies. Series over.
Just kidding.
Hours later, Jorah and others and picking up the smoking embers of the dying fire and find Dany there - unburnt. I mean except her hair. Her hair has been burned off. And her clothes.
Jorah: HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE ALIVE. And naked.
She cradles something in her body. When she stands up she reveals what she was protecting.
Three.
Fucking.
Baby.
Dragons.
The dragons are the same colors that the three eggs were. Jorah drops to his knees. He's quickly followed by Jhogo, Aggo, and Rakharo.
Dany: That's right bitches, the sequels are going to have MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS
Aggo: Fun fact, Dothraki are part Jedi.
Rakharo: And also half-Viking.
Aggo and Rakharo then kill a stallion and throw it in on the pyre, so that Drogo could have a stallion to ride in the afterlife.
Dany: Wait... haven't a bunch of horses already died? Can't he just ride those ones? Why do we have to kill another horse? That just seems needless. Now bring out my SPECIAL GUEST!
Her khas bring Mirri Maz Durr forward, all bound up in ropes.
Mirri Maz Dur: Oh, I see what's going on here. Trying to set up some sort of fire and make some blood sacrifices to bring your dead husband back? You know, I could help you. Just untie me and I can help.
Dany: Nope. You guesses wrong, bitch.
Dany snaps her fingers and they throw Mirri in the pyre and then throw all sorts of other stuff on the pyre on top of her that Drogo will need in the afterlife. Drogo's treasures. Gold. Gems. His vinyl Four Tops albums.
Jhogo: What about Drogo's UGG boots?
Dany: Eww. I agree they should be thrown in a fire and burned, but I'm not sure they'll be needed in the afterlife. So save them for some tire fire later. And also save the weapons. Don't burn those. I want you all to be my bloodriders! To Jhogo... I give you the silver-handled whip. To Aggo... I give you the double-curved black dragonbone bow. To Rakharo... I give you the gold-chased arakh. And to Donatello... I give you... hehehe... this shitty Bō. Hahaha. Oh man. It's just a wooden stick! SHAFTED AGAIN, DONATELLO!
Donatello: That's so Bogus, April!
Dany: Why do you keep calling me "April?"
Donatello leaves to go eat pizza and "do" machines.
Jhogo: Khaleesi... this shall not be so! I cannot be a bloodrider to a WOMAN!
Aggo: Yeah, only a man can lead a Khalasar.
Rakharo: Same here. I am willing to lead you back to Vaes Dothrak so that you can join the dosh khaleen crones. But after that, we're done... professionally.
Dany: Yeah, whatever. We'll see about that. Now, to you Jorah. I give to you... an IOU on a Valyrian steel sword. And I name you as the first of my Queensguard.
Jorah: It will be an honor to be your bodyguard. Always so close to you. Very close. And maybe just like in "The Bodyguard" you will fall in love with me.
Dany: Huh? What did you say?
Jorah: What?
Dany: Excuse me?
Jorah: Huh?
Dany then goes to take another bath in a completely unnecessary exploitation scene. After that, she readies Drogo's body and orders it to be carried into the pyre.
She also brings along her dragon eggs and throws them in there too. She sets them around Drogo's body. She then starts pouring gasoline everywhere.
Jorah: My queen, just what are you planning here? You're not thinking of throwing yourself on this pyre too, are you?
Dany: What? Hahahaha.... Noooooo.*shifty eyes* Nooooooooooooooooo.
She then starts pouring gasoline down Mirri Maz Dur's mouth.
Mirri Maz Dur: You're a mad woman! A MAD WOMAN! You will not hear me scream.
Dany: Wanna bet?
Jhogo: Oh hey look! A red comet in the sky.
Dany: That's enough of a sign for me.
She lights a match and throws it in there. It lights up like Christmas decorations in an affluent, white neighborhood.
Mirri Maz Dur: AGHHH! AGHHH! FUUUCK! FUUUCK!!! FUCCKKK!!! AGHHHHHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH! MY FACE IS MELTING OFF! AGHHHHHH!!! OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK! AGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Dany: Thanks for teaching me so much, sheepbitch. Only death can pay for life.
Dany stares at the flames. She watched Mirri burn to ashes. She watches her husband get extra crispy and turn to dust. In the smoke and flames, she thinks she sees a vision of her husband, riding his horse and doing that stuff he loved to do like rape and murder innocent people.
Dany: Flames. Soooooooo prettttyyyyyyy!
She starts to walk in them.
Jorah: Khaleesi, NO!
But it's too late. She walks into the fire. The pyre collapses on her and dies. Series over.
Just kidding.
Hours later, Jorah and others and picking up the smoking embers of the dying fire and find Dany there - unburnt. I mean except her hair. Her hair has been burned off. And her clothes.
Jorah: HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE ALIVE. And naked.
She cradles something in her body. When she stands up she reveals what she was protecting.
Three.
Fucking.
Baby.
Dragons.
The dragons are the same colors that the three eggs were. Jorah drops to his knees. He's quickly followed by Jhogo, Aggo, and Rakharo.
Dany: That's right bitches, the sequels are going to have MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS
~FIN~
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