Oh great. Another damn Sansa chapter.
Sansa: HEY!
Sansa watches the long tail of the red comet when Arys Oakheart of the Kingsguard comes into her room.
Arys Oakheart: Oh wow. I actually get some dialogue in this book? Finally! Maybe one day I'll even get my own POV chapter.
Sansa: Hey, what does this comet mean?
Arys: Oh, the gods have put it in the sky to honor your betrothed, the King. The small folk call it "Joffrey's comet." But then again, it's also open to interpretation. I bet there is some red witch out there who thinks it has to do with the Lord of Light and is a signal that Stannis a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing. I'd guess that some of your relatives out there might also think it's a sign about Ned Stark's death, or that it represents the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces. Some people, such as crazy 14 year old girls sold into prearranged marriages with barbarian warlords, might even think it's a sign that that they should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch. Those same type of people might even see the comet and think that it signals a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth.
Sansa: Wow, those theories are all crazy. The only things that I could think that would be crazier are theories that is is a herald warning of war, or a sword red hot from the forge, or a warning of corruption that will soon be purified, or a representation of blood, or a sign that summer is over, a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black, a message from the drowned god, or the coming of dragons.
Arys: Well, those all do sound crazy. But the craziest one I have ever heard is that comets are, in fact, icy small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, they warm and begin to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Sansa: Wow. Which of these theories do you think is right?
Arys: Definately the Joffrey one. After all, the comet is red and red is the color of House Lannister.
Sansa: But Joffrey isn't a Lannister. He's a "Baratheon." Shouldn't the comet be gold?
Arys breaks out into uncontrollable laughter, as not even GRRM does a good job at having any characters try to pretend that they think Joffrey is a legitimate heir to King Robert. The only person in the whole Seven Kingdoms stupid enough to believe that is Sansa.
Sansa: HEY!
Still, Sansa likes Arys the most of all the Kingsguard. Because he beats her the least hard when Joffrey orders them to beat her. Well, discounting the Hound. The Hound refuses any order from Joffrey to beat her, and so Joffrey has simply stopped ordering the Hound to, because he knows it won't happen. That means The Hound is actually the kindest and nicest person to her, so she should like him the most. However, The Hound is physically unattractive while Arys Oakhart is handsome. So she still likes Arys more despite the fact that he does still hit her while The Hound doesn't hit her at all. What a shallow cunt.
Sansa: HEY!
Arys: Come now, Sansa. I need to take you to this Tourney being held in Joffrey's honor.
Sansa: Wow... another tourney? Didn't we just have one?
Arys: Yeah, and I'm in it. I bet I'm going to win it. Because this tourney is going to be pretty fucking pathetic. Since the whole kingdom is in a giant civil war nobody is going to show up. It's going to be a tiny thing here inside the Red Keep with nobody from the outside. And not even most people from the Red Keep are going to show up. For instance... Cersei. She won't even be there!
And so they arrive at the outer bailey of the Red Keep and see a pathetic, small crowd of indifferent people. Ever seen the crowd at a Miami Marlins game? Yeah, it's EXACTLY like that.
The Hound is there are announced her arrival. The only people who are excited to see here are Tommen and Myrcella, because they are too young and stupid to understand anything.
Tommen: Hey Sansa! I'm going to ride in the tourney today!
Sansa: Oh wow, this really IS going to be pathetic.
The Hound: I mean he's not REALLY fighting. He's just facing a quintain. Which is just a fancy word for a mannequin with armor on. But not one of those "come to life for real" mannequins like Kim Cattrall. Just a stationary one.
Joffrey: Oh, my beloved and beautiful Sansa! How are you on this fine day?
Sansa: Oh shit! Joffrey is in a good mood for some reason. He might even not have me beaten today. Something must be crazy.
Joffrey: Oh yeah, I got news from Essos. That filthy beggar king, Viserys Targaryen, is dead. Now one less rival claim to the throne to deal with.
Sansa: Really? Kings Landing is just hearing about Viserys dying now? That was A Game of Thrones Chapter 46. That was ages ago.
Joffrey: His face was melted off with a gold crown. It sounds awesome. I'm a sadistic fuck and I want to try that on people myself. And since the Lannisters are famous for having a lot of gold, it will be easy for me--as a Lannister--to do that.
Sansa: But I thought you were a Baratheon.
Joffrey and everyone else bursts into uncontrollable laughter because Sansa is so stupid.
Sansa: HEY!
Joffrey: The next false King I will defeat is your stinky brother, Robb! Perhaps I'll feed him to wolves! Right after I best him in single hand-to-hand combat!
Sansa: Hrm, if I vaguely remember correctly, the last time Robb challenged you to combat you ran away like a pathetic little scared bitch.
Joffrey: What? NO! I'm super brave! I love fighting! I can totally win!
Sansa: Really? How about you fight in this tournament here today then.
Joffrey: I... uhh... ermm... uhh...
The Hound: The little bird makes a good point. Go on. This is literally the worst and most pathetic tournament lot ever. If your pussy ass ever stood any chance in a tourney, it is this one.
Joffrey: *sweating profusely*... I, err... It is not proper for a King to fight in a tournament dedicated to himself!
Sansa: Really? Since when has that been a rule?
Joffrey: Uhhm... err... ahhhh... SHUT UP! Both of you! If anyone should be fighting in this Tournament it should be you, Hound. You should fight someone to the death! I love watching people die!
The Hound: I would absolutely fuck up every pathetic loser in this thing. These are all your loyal knights, Joffrey. All you'd achieved by seeing me fight one of them to be one knight less.
Stannis: --Fewer!
Trumpets then sound, signalling the beginning of the fight. This gives bitchboy Joff the perfect excuse to shrug the tourney off.
Joffrey: Oh look! The trumpets sounded! That means it's too late to join the tourney. Oh well. I really wanted to fight, but now I can't.
And so it begins. It includes absolute nobodies like Meryn Trant (a Kingsguard who really likes to beat her), Horace and Hobber Redwyne (twin hostages, like her), Morros Slynt (son of shitty Janos Slynt who helped to sell out her dad), Ser Dontos Hollard (an alcoholic), Lothor Brune (a Littlefinger yes-man who had a brief few victories in the Hand's Tournament), and Jerry Lawler (AWA Southern Heavyweight Champion).
Slynt fucks himself up which makes Sansa laugh, because she hates those Slynts. It makes Joffrey laugh too because he likes watching people get fucked up.
Joffrey: Oh my... hahaha... that dude sucks so hard! Tommen, you should have faced him! I bet he's even easier to defeat than your opponent, Kim Cattrall.
The Hound: No, no. I said that quintains are the non-Kim Cattrall type of mannequin.
Next, Dontos goes out to face Lothor, but he's so fucking shitfaced drunk that he stumbles out late and without most of his clothes on. He tries to mount his horse but keeps falling off. The crowd laughs.
Crowd: OH SHIT! This is the best thing we've seen this whole tournement!
But one person who is not laughing is Joffrey.
Joffrey: HOW DARE HE MAKE A MOCKERY OF THIS TOURNAMENT!
The Hound: I mean this tournament is already kind of a mockery. Can you make a mockery out of a mockery?
Joffrey: EXECUTE HIM!
Sansa then stands up, impulsively and without thinking. Sort of like every decision she makes.
Sansa: HEY! ... oh, and also... No, Joffrey! Don't!
Joffrey turns to Sansa with a shiteye and angrily starts puffing at her. He wants to beat the shit out of her so hard for daring to defy him. Sansa tries to back track.
Sansa: And what I mean by "no," is... umm... you reap what you sew on your nameday. And since this tourney is in honor of your nameday, you can't kill someone on your nameday or you'll be killed. That's totally a thing.
Joffrey: Fine. I'll kill him tommorow. Thanks for the protip, Sansa.
Sansa: And... uhm... also... uhh... NO! An execution... a quick death... that's too merciful! Instead of killing him quickly, you should make him suffer slowly. Such as by stripping him of his knighthood and making him your new fool for years and years to come!
Joffrey: Oh wow, that is pretty sick and humiliating. You know, I think I'm starting to wear off on you Sansa. Well, you heard my betrohed, everyone. Take Ser Dontos away, strip him of his knighthood, and make him our new jester. Because lord knows we don't already have enough terrible jesters in this book with that awful Patchface shit. And you know what? I'm just going to cancel the rest of this tournament because it sucks so hard.
Tommen: NO! I was supposed to joust!
Joffrey: Too bad.
Myrcella: Mother said Tommen would get to!
Joffrey: Forget mom. She isn't here, is she?
Tommen: I wanna joust! I wanna joust!
Joffrey: Shut up, you two. You sound like children.
Tommen: Uh, actually we are children.
The Hound: OH SNAP! He got you there, Joffrey. You just let your super slow brother get one up on you. That means you have to let him joust now.
Joffrey: *sigh* Fine... whatever.
Tommen jousts the stationary quintain. The quintain wins.
Kim Cattrall: At long last, victory is mine! This ends the curse that was put upon me in Ancient Egypt.
The Hound: Oh shit, I was wrong. It WAS the Kim Cattrall-type of mannequin.
Tommen lays in the dirt, injured and in pain. Myrcella runs out to help him.
Sansa: You know, your Highness, you should go out and help your brother too.
Joffrey: Nah. Fuck 'em.
Tommen picks himself up with Myrcella's help and wants to ride again. Sansa sees that despite being a little slow, at least Tommen has courage and wants to fight. She wishes she got to marry Tommen rather than Joffrey.
Just then, the portcullis rises and the gates of the Red Keep open. A large army rides in. In addition to a bunch of Lannister soldiers, there are sellswords and a bunch of strange savages like this guy:
Macho Man: OOOHH YEAH! THE MA-CHO MAN GETS TO RETURN FOR BOOK TWO! I HEAR THERE IS A TOURNAMENT HERE!
Jerry Lawler: That's right, I'm the 40-time reigning AWA Southern Heavyweight Champion. And the winner of his tournament gets the belt next. I fully intend to keep it. Nobody is going to defeat The King!
Joffrey: Huh?! WHAT?! The King?! No! NO! I don't have to fight, do I?! I'm so scared! I don't want to fight! GAHHH!!
The Hound: No, Joffrey. Jerry Lawler's nickname is "the King," so he was referring to himself. Not you.
Joffrey: Oh... uh... right, right. I knew that. I was just kidding. I totally wanted to fight, remember? I bet I'd win.
Macho Man: OOOH, IT'S ON JERRY LAWLER! THE MA-CHO MAN IS GOING TO--
Tyrion Lannister: --*AHEM* I believe we diverged from the intention of where this storyline is going. The Lannister soldiers, sellswords and savages were actually arriving as part of my party. I, Tyrion Lannister, have returned to King's Landing.
Joffrey: Uncle Dwarfy, what the hell are you doing here? I heard you were supposed to be dead or something.
Tyrion: Not quite. I'm very much glad to be alive. Unlike your own fathers, Joffrey and Sansa. My deepest sympathies for that, by the way.
Joffrey: Wait... my father died? Jaime?!
Tyrion: No. I was referring to Robert. BARATHEON. You know. Your "father." *winks*
Joffrey: Oh yeah, right. *winks back* Anyway, it's my name day. I hope you brought be a present!
Tyrion: Oh yeah, here it is. Just inside my fist here!
Tyrion presents his fist to Joffrey and then pretends to crank it. Slowly his middle finger rises up.
Crowd: HAHAHA! WE LOVE TYRION!
Joffrey: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! All of you! Stop laughing!
Crowd: Okay! We'll stop now. We don't want to be executed.
Joffrey: You know, Uncle Dwarfy, if you really wanted to get me a good gift, it would be giving me a little head.
Tyrion: You know, that is a pretty fucked up thing to say... even for this gross, incestuous family.
Joffrey: No, no, no! I was referring to the head of Sansa's brother, Robb.
Tyrion: Nah.
Joffrey: Well fine then. I'm officially cancelling this tournament and leaving now. Bye!
He then storms off with his crew.
Macho Man: OHHH! THE MACHO MAN DOESN'T LIKE THIS! HE WANTED TO WIN THE AWA SOUTHERN HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
Jerry Lawler: Well then, Savage, I'll tell you what... how about we face off on March 17, 1985 at the CWA show in Memphis, Tennessee. I'll put the title on the line!
Sansa: This is stupid. So, uhh... Tyrion. I see your arm is all busted up.
She tries to make small talk, but all she can do is point out ways she finds Tyrion to be unattractive since she's shallow and only cares about physical beauty.
Tyrion: Ah yes, one of your Northern brethren hit me with a mace in battle and knocked me off a horse. Anyway, you seem a bit mopey. Is it because your dad is dead and we're warring against your family?
Sansa: The father was a traitor and so are the rest of my family!
Tyrion: Hahaha, oh shit gurl. You don't have to lie to me. I'm not a dick like Joffrey. I can tell that you think you had to say that. But really, you're just like an innocent little deer surrounded by wolves.
Sansa creeps up to Tyrion and whispers in his ear.
Sansa: Not wolves... Lions.
Tyrion: Oh man. Direct! But I'm just a little lion. I mean you no harm. Like those videos of baby lions at the zoo playing with the zookeepers.
Tyrion leaves, with Sansa thinking he's a lot nicer than Joffrey. Still, she used to think that Cersei was nice too. It's all lies. She has to remember that she can't trust any of these damn Lannisters.
Sansa: HEY!
Sansa watches the long tail of the red comet when Arys Oakheart of the Kingsguard comes into her room.
Arys Oakheart: Oh wow. I actually get some dialogue in this book? Finally! Maybe one day I'll even get my own POV chapter.
Sansa: Hey, what does this comet mean?
Arys: Oh, the gods have put it in the sky to honor your betrothed, the King. The small folk call it "Joffrey's comet." But then again, it's also open to interpretation. I bet there is some red witch out there who thinks it has to do with the Lord of Light and is a signal that Stannis a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing. I'd guess that some of your relatives out there might also think it's a sign about Ned Stark's death, or that it represents the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces. Some people, such as crazy 14 year old girls sold into prearranged marriages with barbarian warlords, might even think it's a sign that that they should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch. Those same type of people might even see the comet and think that it signals a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth.
Sansa: Wow, those theories are all crazy. The only things that I could think that would be crazier are theories that is is a herald warning of war, or a sword red hot from the forge, or a warning of corruption that will soon be purified, or a representation of blood, or a sign that summer is over, a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black, a message from the drowned god, or the coming of dragons.
Arys: Well, those all do sound crazy. But the craziest one I have ever heard is that comets are, in fact, icy small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, they warm and begin to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Sansa: Wow. Which of these theories do you think is right?
Arys: Definately the Joffrey one. After all, the comet is red and red is the color of House Lannister.
Sansa: But Joffrey isn't a Lannister. He's a "Baratheon." Shouldn't the comet be gold?
Arys breaks out into uncontrollable laughter, as not even GRRM does a good job at having any characters try to pretend that they think Joffrey is a legitimate heir to King Robert. The only person in the whole Seven Kingdoms stupid enough to believe that is Sansa.
Sansa: HEY!
Still, Sansa likes Arys the most of all the Kingsguard. Because he beats her the least hard when Joffrey orders them to beat her. Well, discounting the Hound. The Hound refuses any order from Joffrey to beat her, and so Joffrey has simply stopped ordering the Hound to, because he knows it won't happen. That means The Hound is actually the kindest and nicest person to her, so she should like him the most. However, The Hound is physically unattractive while Arys Oakhart is handsome. So she still likes Arys more despite the fact that he does still hit her while The Hound doesn't hit her at all. What a shallow cunt.
Sansa: HEY!
Arys: Come now, Sansa. I need to take you to this Tourney being held in Joffrey's honor.
Sansa: Wow... another tourney? Didn't we just have one?
Arys: Yeah, and I'm in it. I bet I'm going to win it. Because this tourney is going to be pretty fucking pathetic. Since the whole kingdom is in a giant civil war nobody is going to show up. It's going to be a tiny thing here inside the Red Keep with nobody from the outside. And not even most people from the Red Keep are going to show up. For instance... Cersei. She won't even be there!
And so they arrive at the outer bailey of the Red Keep and see a pathetic, small crowd of indifferent people. Ever seen the crowd at a Miami Marlins game? Yeah, it's EXACTLY like that.
The Hound is there are announced her arrival. The only people who are excited to see here are Tommen and Myrcella, because they are too young and stupid to understand anything.
Tommen: Hey Sansa! I'm going to ride in the tourney today!
Sansa: Oh wow, this really IS going to be pathetic.
The Hound: I mean he's not REALLY fighting. He's just facing a quintain. Which is just a fancy word for a mannequin with armor on. But not one of those "come to life for real" mannequins like Kim Cattrall. Just a stationary one.
Joffrey: Oh, my beloved and beautiful Sansa! How are you on this fine day?
Sansa: Oh shit! Joffrey is in a good mood for some reason. He might even not have me beaten today. Something must be crazy.
Joffrey: Oh yeah, I got news from Essos. That filthy beggar king, Viserys Targaryen, is dead. Now one less rival claim to the throne to deal with.
Sansa: Really? Kings Landing is just hearing about Viserys dying now? That was A Game of Thrones Chapter 46. That was ages ago.
Joffrey: His face was melted off with a gold crown. It sounds awesome. I'm a sadistic fuck and I want to try that on people myself. And since the Lannisters are famous for having a lot of gold, it will be easy for me--as a Lannister--to do that.
Sansa: But I thought you were a Baratheon.
Joffrey and everyone else bursts into uncontrollable laughter because Sansa is so stupid.
Sansa: HEY!
Joffrey: The next false King I will defeat is your stinky brother, Robb! Perhaps I'll feed him to wolves! Right after I best him in single hand-to-hand combat!
Sansa: Hrm, if I vaguely remember correctly, the last time Robb challenged you to combat you ran away like a pathetic little scared bitch.
Joffrey: What? NO! I'm super brave! I love fighting! I can totally win!
Sansa: Really? How about you fight in this tournament here today then.
Joffrey: I... uhh... ermm... uhh...
The Hound: The little bird makes a good point. Go on. This is literally the worst and most pathetic tournament lot ever. If your pussy ass ever stood any chance in a tourney, it is this one.
Joffrey: *sweating profusely*... I, err... It is not proper for a King to fight in a tournament dedicated to himself!
Sansa: Really? Since when has that been a rule?
Joffrey: Uhhm... err... ahhhh... SHUT UP! Both of you! If anyone should be fighting in this Tournament it should be you, Hound. You should fight someone to the death! I love watching people die!
The Hound: I would absolutely fuck up every pathetic loser in this thing. These are all your loyal knights, Joffrey. All you'd achieved by seeing me fight one of them to be one knight less.
Stannis: --Fewer!
Trumpets then sound, signalling the beginning of the fight. This gives bitchboy Joff the perfect excuse to shrug the tourney off.
Joffrey: Oh look! The trumpets sounded! That means it's too late to join the tourney. Oh well. I really wanted to fight, but now I can't.
And so it begins. It includes absolute nobodies like Meryn Trant (a Kingsguard who really likes to beat her), Horace and Hobber Redwyne (twin hostages, like her), Morros Slynt (son of shitty Janos Slynt who helped to sell out her dad), Ser Dontos Hollard (an alcoholic), Lothor Brune (a Littlefinger yes-man who had a brief few victories in the Hand's Tournament), and Jerry Lawler (AWA Southern Heavyweight Champion).
Slynt fucks himself up which makes Sansa laugh, because she hates those Slynts. It makes Joffrey laugh too because he likes watching people get fucked up.
Joffrey: Oh my... hahaha... that dude sucks so hard! Tommen, you should have faced him! I bet he's even easier to defeat than your opponent, Kim Cattrall.
The Hound: No, no. I said that quintains are the non-Kim Cattrall type of mannequin.
Next, Dontos goes out to face Lothor, but he's so fucking shitfaced drunk that he stumbles out late and without most of his clothes on. He tries to mount his horse but keeps falling off. The crowd laughs.
Crowd: OH SHIT! This is the best thing we've seen this whole tournement!
But one person who is not laughing is Joffrey.
Joffrey: HOW DARE HE MAKE A MOCKERY OF THIS TOURNAMENT!
The Hound: I mean this tournament is already kind of a mockery. Can you make a mockery out of a mockery?
Joffrey: EXECUTE HIM!
Sansa then stands up, impulsively and without thinking. Sort of like every decision she makes.
Sansa: HEY! ... oh, and also... No, Joffrey! Don't!
Joffrey turns to Sansa with a shiteye and angrily starts puffing at her. He wants to beat the shit out of her so hard for daring to defy him. Sansa tries to back track.
Sansa: And what I mean by "no," is... umm... you reap what you sew on your nameday. And since this tourney is in honor of your nameday, you can't kill someone on your nameday or you'll be killed. That's totally a thing.
Joffrey: Fine. I'll kill him tommorow. Thanks for the protip, Sansa.
Sansa: And... uhm... also... uhh... NO! An execution... a quick death... that's too merciful! Instead of killing him quickly, you should make him suffer slowly. Such as by stripping him of his knighthood and making him your new fool for years and years to come!
Joffrey: Oh wow, that is pretty sick and humiliating. You know, I think I'm starting to wear off on you Sansa. Well, you heard my betrohed, everyone. Take Ser Dontos away, strip him of his knighthood, and make him our new jester. Because lord knows we don't already have enough terrible jesters in this book with that awful Patchface shit. And you know what? I'm just going to cancel the rest of this tournament because it sucks so hard.
Tommen: NO! I was supposed to joust!
Joffrey: Too bad.
Myrcella: Mother said Tommen would get to!
Joffrey: Forget mom. She isn't here, is she?
Tommen: I wanna joust! I wanna joust!
Joffrey: Shut up, you two. You sound like children.
Tommen: Uh, actually we are children.
The Hound: OH SNAP! He got you there, Joffrey. You just let your super slow brother get one up on you. That means you have to let him joust now.
Joffrey: *sigh* Fine... whatever.
Tommen jousts the stationary quintain. The quintain wins.
Kim Cattrall: At long last, victory is mine! This ends the curse that was put upon me in Ancient Egypt.
The Hound: Oh shit, I was wrong. It WAS the Kim Cattrall-type of mannequin.
Tommen lays in the dirt, injured and in pain. Myrcella runs out to help him.
Sansa: You know, your Highness, you should go out and help your brother too.
Joffrey: Nah. Fuck 'em.
Tommen picks himself up with Myrcella's help and wants to ride again. Sansa sees that despite being a little slow, at least Tommen has courage and wants to fight. She wishes she got to marry Tommen rather than Joffrey.
Just then, the portcullis rises and the gates of the Red Keep open. A large army rides in. In addition to a bunch of Lannister soldiers, there are sellswords and a bunch of strange savages like this guy:
Macho Man: OOOHH YEAH! THE MA-CHO MAN GETS TO RETURN FOR BOOK TWO! I HEAR THERE IS A TOURNAMENT HERE!
Jerry Lawler: That's right, I'm the 40-time reigning AWA Southern Heavyweight Champion. And the winner of his tournament gets the belt next. I fully intend to keep it. Nobody is going to defeat The King!
Joffrey: Huh?! WHAT?! The King?! No! NO! I don't have to fight, do I?! I'm so scared! I don't want to fight! GAHHH!!
The Hound: No, Joffrey. Jerry Lawler's nickname is "the King," so he was referring to himself. Not you.
Joffrey: Oh... uh... right, right. I knew that. I was just kidding. I totally wanted to fight, remember? I bet I'd win.
Macho Man: OOOH, IT'S ON JERRY LAWLER! THE MA-CHO MAN IS GOING TO--
Tyrion Lannister: --*AHEM* I believe we diverged from the intention of where this storyline is going. The Lannister soldiers, sellswords and savages were actually arriving as part of my party. I, Tyrion Lannister, have returned to King's Landing.
Joffrey: Uncle Dwarfy, what the hell are you doing here? I heard you were supposed to be dead or something.
Tyrion: Not quite. I'm very much glad to be alive. Unlike your own fathers, Joffrey and Sansa. My deepest sympathies for that, by the way.
Joffrey: Wait... my father died? Jaime?!
Tyrion: No. I was referring to Robert. BARATHEON. You know. Your "father." *winks*
Joffrey: Oh yeah, right. *winks back* Anyway, it's my name day. I hope you brought be a present!
Tyrion: Oh yeah, here it is. Just inside my fist here!
Tyrion presents his fist to Joffrey and then pretends to crank it. Slowly his middle finger rises up.
Crowd: HAHAHA! WE LOVE TYRION!
Joffrey: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! All of you! Stop laughing!
Crowd: Okay! We'll stop now. We don't want to be executed.
Joffrey: You know, Uncle Dwarfy, if you really wanted to get me a good gift, it would be giving me a little head.
Tyrion: You know, that is a pretty fucked up thing to say... even for this gross, incestuous family.
Joffrey: No, no, no! I was referring to the head of Sansa's brother, Robb.
Tyrion: Nah.
Joffrey: Well fine then. I'm officially cancelling this tournament and leaving now. Bye!
He then storms off with his crew.
Macho Man: OHHH! THE MACHO MAN DOESN'T LIKE THIS! HE WANTED TO WIN THE AWA SOUTHERN HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
Jerry Lawler: Well then, Savage, I'll tell you what... how about we face off on March 17, 1985 at the CWA show in Memphis, Tennessee. I'll put the title on the line!
Sansa: This is stupid. So, uhh... Tyrion. I see your arm is all busted up.
She tries to make small talk, but all she can do is point out ways she finds Tyrion to be unattractive since she's shallow and only cares about physical beauty.
Tyrion: Ah yes, one of your Northern brethren hit me with a mace in battle and knocked me off a horse. Anyway, you seem a bit mopey. Is it because your dad is dead and we're warring against your family?
Sansa: The father was a traitor and so are the rest of my family!
Tyrion: Hahaha, oh shit gurl. You don't have to lie to me. I'm not a dick like Joffrey. I can tell that you think you had to say that. But really, you're just like an innocent little deer surrounded by wolves.
Sansa creeps up to Tyrion and whispers in his ear.
Sansa: Not wolves... Lions.
Tyrion: Oh man. Direct! But I'm just a little lion. I mean you no harm. Like those videos of baby lions at the zoo playing with the zookeepers.
Tyrion leaves, with Sansa thinking he's a lot nicer than Joffrey. Still, she used to think that Cersei was nice too. It's all lies. She has to remember that she can't trust any of these damn Lannisters.
~~ Epilogue ~~
Randy Savage would go on to win the AWA Southern Heavyweight Championship in Memphis, defeating Lawler. The feud between the two would last until June 3 of that year, when Savage and Lawler fought in a "loser leaves town" ol' Memphis chicken coop steel cage of doom match. Savage lost, as he had signed with the WWF and would make his debut there later in the month. Jerry Lawler would go on to be a 52-time AWA Southern Heavyweight Championship until the title was unified with the AWA International Heavyweight Championship and the NWA Mid-America Heavyweight Championship to create the CWA Heavyweight Championship. He would drop the belt in 1988 to Max Pain. By October 1989, the CWA Heavyweight Championship was retired and the belt reverted to become the now-USWA Southern Heavyweight Championship. Lawler would have two reigns with the belt in USWA before it was closed in 1997. In 2000, the belt was brought back by the newly formed Memphis Championship Wrestling and Lawler had the inaugural reign of the title, winning it in a tournament final. But MCW was short-lived and closed the very next year. In 2004, the belt was revived again under the banner of the Memphis Wrestling promotion. Lawler would have two reigns with the title until vacating it. Lawler's son, Brian Christopher, would be the last to hold the Southern Heavyweight Championship before the promotion and the title itself became inactive. While Christopher could still technically be viewed as the reigning champion, the title is largely considered "abandoned."
Kim Cattrall would win the 2002 Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress for playing the role of Samantha Jones in "Sex and the City."
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