Arya is riding her donkey on the Kingsroad, heading north and away from Kings Landing after being saved by Yoren of the Night's Watch. Under the guise of an orphan boy named "Arry" that's being taken to the Wall, Yoren secretly plans to return her home to Winterfell.
But nobody else must know. All the other orphans and criminals being brought north to Winterfell are not told her true identity. Those people include:
Lommy Greenhands: Hi, I'm Lommy. They call be Greenhands because I was a dyer's apprentice and my hands are green. I like to call Arry "Lumpyhead" because his awful, lumpy haircut. My favorite body part is my neck, which I think is probably invincible to any spear attack.
Hot Pie: I'm a fat kid named "Hot Pie." I make pies and am fat.
The Bull: My nickname is "The Bull" because I wear a giant Bull's Helm. I wonder where a character like me has appeared previously.
30 Other Characters Who Aren't Important to the Narrative (Yet): Us too.
Also, these three dudes in a caged cart, locked up in chains...
Rorge: I am a dangerous criminal who was locked in the Black Cells beneath the Red Keep. My nose has been cut off.
Biter: *vicious gurgling* [Translation: I am a feral human, raised as Rorge's adopted son in the streets of Flea Bottom, although treated more as a pet than a human. I was trained to fight dogs and my teeth have been chiseled down to sharp points.]
Jaqen H'ghar: A character needs no description, because he already has a massive fan following.
Arya: I hate all these people and I hate pretending to be a boy.
Yoren: Shut your mouth. If anyone finds out who you are, you'll be turned over to Cersei for a few pieces of silver. But before they do that, they'll probably rape you a dozen times.
Arya: Geez, that's a rather unsettling thing to say to a small girl, but okay.
Yoren: The trickiest part to not giving away your sex will be using the bathroom.
Arya: Oh, well I'll just use the men's rooms instead of the ladies's rooms and that should solve it. I'll just tell everyone I need to take a deuce every time so that I go into a stall and close the door, rather than using a urinal.
Yoren: Hrm, good plan. Too bad there ARE NO BATHROOMS ON THE KINGSROAD.
Arya: Oh crap, this really could be a problem then.
Yoren: Oh yeah, and don't talk either. Or they can tell you're a girl.
Arya: UGGHHH. I hate this. I hate you. I hate the lack of bathrooms. I hate the boys I'm travelling with. I hate everyone here. I hate everyone back in Kings Landing. I wish a giant flood would just come and drown everyone there.
Yoren: Isn't your sister, Sansa, still in Kings Landing?
Arya: I know. My point exactly.
A little bit later, that fat boy rides up to Arya on his donkey...
Hot Pie: Hey you! Nice sword! You some sort of squire or something?
Arya doesn't talk, because Yoren told her not to.
Lommy: Hahaha, she's no squire! It's probably not even a real sword.
Arya is super pissed. Needle is a real sword and it's VALYRIAN FUCKING STEEL. She can't stay silent any longer.
Arya: Oh, this shit is real. I will cut both your damn throats with it.
Lommy: Oh, look! He can talk! Well, if it IS real then you probably stole it.
Arya: Nuh-uh. My brother gave it to me!
Hot Pie: We should steal it from him! Come on, boy! Give us the sword or we'll beat you up.
Arya: I'm not scared of you.
Hot Pie: You wanna know why I'm being taken to Castle Black to join the Night's Watch, boy? I killed another kid. I beat him with my bare hands and then curb-stomped him like in American History X. I watched his brains explode and his blood flow down the drain. I got off on it. Don't mess with me. I'll do the same to you! NOW GIVE ME THE SWORD! You probably don't even know how to use it.
Arya doesn't know whether this fat kid is lying or not about killing someone else. What she DOES know is that she DOES know how to use the sword because she herself absolutely DID kill some stableboy back in Kings Landing. But she doesn't say anything about it, because she doesn't know these other kids. They'll probably narc on her.
Arya chooses not to respond. She just keeps walking.
Hot Pie: What are you going to do if we steal it? Cry? Cry and wet your pants with your penis since you're a boy like us and have a penis?
The Bull: Come on, leave him alone. He's not bothering anyone.
Hot Pie: No. I want that sword! Give it to me!
Arya: Here, you can have this stupid practice wooden sword. But I'm keeping the real one.
She hands over the wooden sword that Syrio gave her. Which seems strange because you'd think that would have some real sentimental value or something.
Hot Pie: Nah, I want that one!
Instead of grabbing the wooden sword, he tries to snatch Needle. But Arya takes the wooden sword and whacks Hot Pie's donkey. The donkey freaks out and throws Hot Pie to the ground. The donkey then steps on him and takes a dump on his face. I'm adding that last part just for fun.
Hot Pie: *crying*
Arya: Yeah bitch, who's next?
Lommy: *backs away slowly*
The Bull: Arry, look out!
Arya turns to see that Hot Pie is back up. But now he has a rock and throws it at her. She ducks and it misses. She then takes the wooden sword and beats Hot Pie with it further. After smashing various parts of his body a dozen times, she then stabs him in the dick. Now that last part I'm not adding this time. That actually happens in the book. I swear she stabs him in the dick. Page 34 in the mass market paperback edition. Look it up.
Hot Pie: *crying*
Yoren then pulls her away.
Yoren: Okay, okay. Enough of this fighting, BOY! You and your BOY PENIS are going to be put into the BOY'S PUNISHMENT BOX WHICH IS ONLY FOR BOYS if you keep behaving badly!
Arya: But he started it! Also, I think you're playing this "boy" thing a little too strong, Yoren. Maybe scale it back down from a "10" to, like, a "6" or something.
Yoren: Don't sass me, BOY!
Yoren drags her off the road, pulls down her pants, and uses her own wooden sword to beat her ass several times.
Liberal White Woman: GASP! Spanking children is inhumane child abuse! He should go to jail for that!
Liberal White Woman's Unemployed 26 Year-Old Son That Still Lives at Home: Mom, I'm going to go do drugs, rob a store, and shoot my BB gun at animals because I grew up understanding that my own immoral behavior results in absolutely no negative consequences or punishments to me.
Liberal White Woman: Whatever you say, my little snowflake!
Black Friend of Liberal White Woman's Unemployed 26 Year-Old Son That Still Lives at Home: Hey! That sounds cool. Can I also go through life being irresponsible?
Westeros Police: LOOK! A GUY WEARING A HOODIE! I THINK I SEE A GUN! SHOOT! SHOOT!
Arya: Wow, I really did not need that little bit of improvisation added to this chapter.
Yoren: And if you hit any other of your companions with a stick again like that, I'll beat your ass twice as hard next time, got it? And don't complain about how much that hurt. Whatever I did wasn't half as bad as that beating that you just gave to Hot Pie.
Arya: Totally. Did you see his pants? Totally stained with pee and poo. I whooped him so hard that he lost all control of his bowels! HIGH FIVE!
She puts her hand up.
Yoren: ...
Arya: Come on! Don't leave me hangin'!
Yoren: ...
Arya: Whatever.
Yoren: Look, I know you're angry. No matter how hard you beat that fat kid, it's not going to bring your father back. The plan was for me to wait for a signal and then for Ned to take the Black and join us. But something went wrong. Something went very, very wrong.
Arya: Yeah, no shit Sherlock. I know what went wrong. Joffrey! Someone needs to kill him!
Yoren: Well, yeah. But it won't be me or you, that's for sure.
Arya: Damn. I really want it to be me. I want to, like, make a list of people to murder and put his name at the top.
Yoren: Didn't I just say it won't be you?
Arya: Fine. Whatever. But if it won't be me... who will it be?
Yoren: How the hell would I know?
Arya: My hope is that if it's not me, then at least it will be a vast conspiracy involving Olenna Tyrell, Dontos Hollard, Littlefinger, and the "Strangler" poison which was just conveniently introduced in the immediately preceding prologue chapter.
Yoren: That was an unsettlingly specific prediction.
Yoren walks away.
Back on the Kingsroad, Arya is unable to sit on her donkey because her ass hurts so much from the spanking. But Hot Pie has it even worse because he's just laying on a cart and moaning in pain. Lommy keeps his distance.
The Bull: Hahaha, look at Lommy! He twitches every time he looks your way, Arry!
Arya doesn't respond though, going back to Yoren's "don't talk" advice.
That night as they ride, The Bull looks to the sky and sees the comet.
The Bull: Wow! Its red and glowing. It reminds me of a sword glowing in the forge. Because I have a lot of experience working in forges. I was a blacksmith apprentice, you know. Hence this awesome helm that looks like a bull.
Arya: Yeah, yeah. We get it. You're Gendry. Geez.
The Bull: But what do I know? It could also be a sign hailing Joffrey's rise to the throne; a signal from the Lord of Light that Stannis is a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing; a sign about Ned Stark's death; a representation of the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces; a sign that some crazy 14 year old child rape victim should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch; a signal to follow a pathway through the great waste of Essos leading to Qarth; a herald warning of war; a warning of corruption that will soon be purified; a symbol of blood, a sign that summer is over; a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black; a message from the drowned god; the coming of dragons; or quite frankly it could simply be an icy, small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
But Arya can't dispute that it does look like a sword. Only it's not a red sword in a forge. She agreed with that "blood" theory that Gendry just mentioned and imagines it's red from the blood of her father, who was beheaded with it. She falls asleep dreaming of being back with her family. Especially Jon Snow. She misses him the most and part of her wishes she were going to the Wall instead of Winterfell so she could see him. She misses her other family members too.
But not Sansa. Fuck Sansa.
But nobody else must know. All the other orphans and criminals being brought north to Winterfell are not told her true identity. Those people include:
Lommy Greenhands: Hi, I'm Lommy. They call be Greenhands because I was a dyer's apprentice and my hands are green. I like to call Arry "Lumpyhead" because his awful, lumpy haircut. My favorite body part is my neck, which I think is probably invincible to any spear attack.
Hot Pie: I'm a fat kid named "Hot Pie." I make pies and am fat.
The Bull: My nickname is "The Bull" because I wear a giant Bull's Helm. I wonder where a character like me has appeared previously.
30 Other Characters Who Aren't Important to the Narrative (Yet): Us too.
Also, these three dudes in a caged cart, locked up in chains...
Rorge: I am a dangerous criminal who was locked in the Black Cells beneath the Red Keep. My nose has been cut off.
Biter: *vicious gurgling* [Translation: I am a feral human, raised as Rorge's adopted son in the streets of Flea Bottom, although treated more as a pet than a human. I was trained to fight dogs and my teeth have been chiseled down to sharp points.]
Jaqen H'ghar: A character needs no description, because he already has a massive fan following.
Arya: I hate all these people and I hate pretending to be a boy.
Yoren: Shut your mouth. If anyone finds out who you are, you'll be turned over to Cersei for a few pieces of silver. But before they do that, they'll probably rape you a dozen times.
Arya: Geez, that's a rather unsettling thing to say to a small girl, but okay.
Yoren: The trickiest part to not giving away your sex will be using the bathroom.
Arya: Oh, well I'll just use the men's rooms instead of the ladies's rooms and that should solve it. I'll just tell everyone I need to take a deuce every time so that I go into a stall and close the door, rather than using a urinal.
Yoren: Hrm, good plan. Too bad there ARE NO BATHROOMS ON THE KINGSROAD.
Arya: Oh crap, this really could be a problem then.
Yoren: Oh yeah, and don't talk either. Or they can tell you're a girl.
Arya: UGGHHH. I hate this. I hate you. I hate the lack of bathrooms. I hate the boys I'm travelling with. I hate everyone here. I hate everyone back in Kings Landing. I wish a giant flood would just come and drown everyone there.
Yoren: Isn't your sister, Sansa, still in Kings Landing?
Arya: I know. My point exactly.
A little bit later, that fat boy rides up to Arya on his donkey...
Hot Pie: Hey you! Nice sword! You some sort of squire or something?
Arya doesn't talk, because Yoren told her not to.
Lommy: Hahaha, she's no squire! It's probably not even a real sword.
Arya is super pissed. Needle is a real sword and it's VALYRIAN FUCKING STEEL. She can't stay silent any longer.
Arya: Oh, this shit is real. I will cut both your damn throats with it.
Lommy: Oh, look! He can talk! Well, if it IS real then you probably stole it.
Arya: Nuh-uh. My brother gave it to me!
Hot Pie: We should steal it from him! Come on, boy! Give us the sword or we'll beat you up.
Arya: I'm not scared of you.
Hot Pie: You wanna know why I'm being taken to Castle Black to join the Night's Watch, boy? I killed another kid. I beat him with my bare hands and then curb-stomped him like in American History X. I watched his brains explode and his blood flow down the drain. I got off on it. Don't mess with me. I'll do the same to you! NOW GIVE ME THE SWORD! You probably don't even know how to use it.
Arya doesn't know whether this fat kid is lying or not about killing someone else. What she DOES know is that she DOES know how to use the sword because she herself absolutely DID kill some stableboy back in Kings Landing. But she doesn't say anything about it, because she doesn't know these other kids. They'll probably narc on her.
Arya chooses not to respond. She just keeps walking.
Hot Pie: What are you going to do if we steal it? Cry? Cry and wet your pants with your penis since you're a boy like us and have a penis?
The Bull: Come on, leave him alone. He's not bothering anyone.
Hot Pie: No. I want that sword! Give it to me!
Arya: Here, you can have this stupid practice wooden sword. But I'm keeping the real one.
She hands over the wooden sword that Syrio gave her. Which seems strange because you'd think that would have some real sentimental value or something.
Hot Pie: Nah, I want that one!
Instead of grabbing the wooden sword, he tries to snatch Needle. But Arya takes the wooden sword and whacks Hot Pie's donkey. The donkey freaks out and throws Hot Pie to the ground. The donkey then steps on him and takes a dump on his face. I'm adding that last part just for fun.
Hot Pie: *crying*
Arya: Yeah bitch, who's next?
Lommy: *backs away slowly*
The Bull: Arry, look out!
Arya turns to see that Hot Pie is back up. But now he has a rock and throws it at her. She ducks and it misses. She then takes the wooden sword and beats Hot Pie with it further. After smashing various parts of his body a dozen times, she then stabs him in the dick. Now that last part I'm not adding this time. That actually happens in the book. I swear she stabs him in the dick. Page 34 in the mass market paperback edition. Look it up.
Hot Pie: *crying*
Yoren then pulls her away.
Yoren: Okay, okay. Enough of this fighting, BOY! You and your BOY PENIS are going to be put into the BOY'S PUNISHMENT BOX WHICH IS ONLY FOR BOYS if you keep behaving badly!
Arya: But he started it! Also, I think you're playing this "boy" thing a little too strong, Yoren. Maybe scale it back down from a "10" to, like, a "6" or something.
Yoren: Don't sass me, BOY!
Yoren drags her off the road, pulls down her pants, and uses her own wooden sword to beat her ass several times.
Liberal White Woman: GASP! Spanking children is inhumane child abuse! He should go to jail for that!
Liberal White Woman's Unemployed 26 Year-Old Son That Still Lives at Home: Mom, I'm going to go do drugs, rob a store, and shoot my BB gun at animals because I grew up understanding that my own immoral behavior results in absolutely no negative consequences or punishments to me.
Liberal White Woman: Whatever you say, my little snowflake!
Black Friend of Liberal White Woman's Unemployed 26 Year-Old Son That Still Lives at Home: Hey! That sounds cool. Can I also go through life being irresponsible?
Westeros Police: LOOK! A GUY WEARING A HOODIE! I THINK I SEE A GUN! SHOOT! SHOOT!
Arya: Wow, I really did not need that little bit of improvisation added to this chapter.
Yoren: And if you hit any other of your companions with a stick again like that, I'll beat your ass twice as hard next time, got it? And don't complain about how much that hurt. Whatever I did wasn't half as bad as that beating that you just gave to Hot Pie.
Arya: Totally. Did you see his pants? Totally stained with pee and poo. I whooped him so hard that he lost all control of his bowels! HIGH FIVE!
She puts her hand up.
Yoren: ...
Arya: Come on! Don't leave me hangin'!
Yoren: ...
Arya: Whatever.
Yoren: Look, I know you're angry. No matter how hard you beat that fat kid, it's not going to bring your father back. The plan was for me to wait for a signal and then for Ned to take the Black and join us. But something went wrong. Something went very, very wrong.
Arya: Yeah, no shit Sherlock. I know what went wrong. Joffrey! Someone needs to kill him!
Yoren: Well, yeah. But it won't be me or you, that's for sure.
Arya: Damn. I really want it to be me. I want to, like, make a list of people to murder and put his name at the top.
Yoren: Didn't I just say it won't be you?
Arya: Fine. Whatever. But if it won't be me... who will it be?
Yoren: How the hell would I know?
Arya: My hope is that if it's not me, then at least it will be a vast conspiracy involving Olenna Tyrell, Dontos Hollard, Littlefinger, and the "Strangler" poison which was just conveniently introduced in the immediately preceding prologue chapter.
Yoren: That was an unsettlingly specific prediction.
Yoren walks away.
Back on the Kingsroad, Arya is unable to sit on her donkey because her ass hurts so much from the spanking. But Hot Pie has it even worse because he's just laying on a cart and moaning in pain. Lommy keeps his distance.
The Bull: Hahaha, look at Lommy! He twitches every time he looks your way, Arry!
Arya doesn't respond though, going back to Yoren's "don't talk" advice.
That night as they ride, The Bull looks to the sky and sees the comet.
The Bull: Wow! Its red and glowing. It reminds me of a sword glowing in the forge. Because I have a lot of experience working in forges. I was a blacksmith apprentice, you know. Hence this awesome helm that looks like a bull.
Arya: Yeah, yeah. We get it. You're Gendry. Geez.
The Bull: But what do I know? It could also be a sign hailing Joffrey's rise to the throne; a signal from the Lord of Light that Stannis is a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing; a sign about Ned Stark's death; a representation of the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces; a sign that some crazy 14 year old child rape victim should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch; a signal to follow a pathway through the great waste of Essos leading to Qarth; a herald warning of war; a warning of corruption that will soon be purified; a symbol of blood, a sign that summer is over; a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black; a message from the drowned god; the coming of dragons; or quite frankly it could simply be an icy, small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
But Arya can't dispute that it does look like a sword. Only it's not a red sword in a forge. She agreed with that "blood" theory that Gendry just mentioned and imagines it's red from the blood of her father, who was beheaded with it. She falls asleep dreaming of being back with her family. Especially Jon Snow. She misses him the most and part of her wishes she were going to the Wall instead of Winterfell so she could see him. She misses her other family members too.
But not Sansa. Fuck Sansa.
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