Maester Cressen is an old man. So old it would be a miracle if he got out of this prologue alive. I mean the last prologue guy died. Prologues seem like a really good way to tell the POV of someone who is about to die. That's all I'm saying.
Cressen: By the seven gods, I'm so old! I think I'll just crouch over here by the balcony and watch this red comet fly by. Ah yes, a red comet... leaving a mark in the sky like a wound. I know I'm too well educated and experiences to believe in superstition, but I can't help but feel that this is a bad omen. Especially with all these other omen-ey things happening too. Like steam rising from here in Dragonstone.
Oh right, I forgot to say -- Maester Cressen is on Dragonstone, the island at the entrance to Blackwater Bay which was traditionally held as a seat of power by the Targaryens. After Aegon conquered Westeros and moved the capital to Kings Landing, Dragonstone became the seat of power to the heir. Robert Baratheon must have had a similar-ish thing in mind before he had children (totally not his, by the way), because he had his younger brother, Stannis, hold Dragonstone for him.
Cressen: Anyway, as I was saying. Bad omens. The comet. The steam rising up from Dragonstone since it's a center of volcanic activity. And also this white raven that just arrived, proclaiming that summer has ended and that autumn has begun. It was a long summer too. Over ten years!
But then Maester Pylos bursts into the room.
Pylos: Whattup, punk ass bitch? You want some breakfast? Better hope I don't spit in it!
Cressen: *grumble*
Pylos and Cressen really don't like each other. Why? The answer is obvious. Stannis should only have one Maester. So why are there two? Because Cressen is old AF and Stannis just decided to get a new one even before the old one died. It's like when you're a kid and you have an older dog that's getting sick. So your parents get you a new puppy in the hopes that it will distract you and/or make you feel less bad when the old dog dies.
Needless to say, Cressen isn't exactly happy about this "being replaced" situation.
Cressen: What the hell do you want?
Pylos: Oh, you mean other than the breakfast thing? Princess Shireen would like to see the white raven. She heard it arrived.
Cressen: Princess? Oh... right... I guess now that Stannis is calling himself "King," Shireen is a Princess. Whatever. Bring her in.
She comes in.
Shireen: Hey there! Mind if I bring my best friend?
Cressen: Oh please God no, not Pa--
--Patchface the Juggler/Fool/Jester jingles into the room. I say "jingle" because his outfit is covered in little annoying bells.
Patchface: Under the sea, the birds have scales for feathers. I know, I know, I know. Under the sea,
Darling it's better, Down where it's wetter, Take it from me, oh I know, I know, I know.
Cressen: Shut up, Patchface.
Not a damn person can stand Patchface except for Shireen. Honestly everyone else wishes he would just die but since Shireen likes him, Stannis keeps him around.
Patchface was initially just a jester of a normal level of annoyance at first, but that was back in the day. Then Robert/Stannis/Renly's parents, Steffon and Cassana, decided to get drunk and take their pleasure yacht into a place called "Shipbreaker Bay." Patchface was with them on the yacht when it went down and was the only survivor. But he came out of the shipwreck totally fucking crazy. Probably because the yacht was continually blasting awful Pitbull music the whole time, including while it was sinking.
Cressen: Anyway Shireen, I'll go get the Raven so you can see it. Your life is pretty sad, what with you having a terrible dad, you being all alone here with nobody your age to play with, and you being infected with the face shingles.
Shireen: It's called "Greyscale."
Cressen: Whatever.
Cressen shuffles off to go get the white raven. As he does, he thinks about Stannis's new best friend... some hot-ass red witch. Oh yeah, she is SUPER hot. But she's a bit of a pyromaniac and loves to burn things. She even worships fire like it's some kind of god. CRAZY.
He brings the raven back.
Cressen: Here you go. It's a bird... but it's white! Fun, right?
Shireen: Yay! I like white things! I'm a Republican.
Cressen: What are you doing up so early anyway?
Shireen: I had a nightmare. I had a dream that dragons were going to eat me.
Cressen: Well, you live in an old castle built by dragon lords that has a number of dragons carved into the stones everywhere. So that's really not all that surprising. Honestly, we should have probably redone your room years ago and at least given you a "Disney Princess" theme or something.
Patchface: Under the sea, my lord, I know, I know, oh I--
Cressen: --SHHHH!!!
Shireen: I think the dragons are waking up. I dreamed I died in a horrible fire. The Red Witch says that the line in the sky is Dragon's Breath!
Cressen: That's crazy talk. You dying in a fire? Dragon's breath? Look girl, people see what they want to see when they look at the comet. I bet someone out there thinks it's a sign about Ned Stark's death. Some people think it's a sign that that they should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch. I bet there are even some people who see the comet and think that it signals a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth.
Pylos: I hear some people in Kings Landing believe it means to foretell of Joffrey's rise to the throne, which is crazy because everyone knows Stannis is the true king.
Cressen: Yeah, and I bet other people think it's a herald warning of war, or a sword red hot from the forge, or a warning of corruption that will soon be purified, or a victory for house Tully, or a representation of blood, or a sign that summer is over, or a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black, or a message from the drowned god, or a sign of the return of the Prince that was Promised.
Pylos: I even heard one theory back at the Citadel in Old Town that comets are, in fact, icy small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, they warm and begin to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Cressen: Shut up and go fetch my breakfast.
Pylos goes to fetch breakfast.
Shireen: So do I get to play with the raven or what?
Cressen: Sure.
She plays with it.
Shireen: Can it speak?
Raven: You bet your ass I can speak! The common tongue, High Valyrian, Low Valyrian, Dothraki, Old Ghiscari, Esperanto, that shit that Watto was speaking in Phantom Menace. Unfortunately, the only word I know in any of these language is "Corn." And the word "Corn" in every single one of these languages is, coincidentally, "Corn."
Shireen: HOLY CRAP! Everyone, did you hear that?
Raven: Corn.
Cressen: Hear what?
Raven: Corn.
Shireen: The raven! Did you hear what he just said?
Cressen: Yeah. He said, "Corn."
Raven: CORN!?
Shireen: No, no, no. BEFORE that! He had this whole paragraph.
Raven: Corn.
Cressen: Anyway. White ravens mean summer is over. I fear the autumn will bring long shadows and--
Patchface: --The shadows came to dance, my lord, dance my lord, dance my lord! The shadows came to stay, my lord, stay my lord, stay my lord! Oh my sweet lord. I really want to know you. Really want to go with you. Really want to show you, lord, that it won't take long, my lord, my lord, my lord!
Shireen: He won't stop singing that. It's so annoying. Can someone please shut him up?
Cressen: Okay.
Cressen pulls out a SIG Pro (SP 2022 variant) short recoil operated, locked breech semi-automatic pistol; chambers a .40 S&W; and sticks it to Patchface's head.
Shireen: NO! Not like that!
Cressen: Damnit. I was hoping to just get rid of him like the TV show did.
Raven: Corn.
Patchface: Clever bird! Clever man! Clever fool!
Pylos: Okay everyone, I'm back from breakfast fetching and I'm going to take an executive decision to move this prologue forward. This is a super long prologue anyway and we're not speeding it up any with all this BS. We're not even done with the first scene yet! So I'm going to end this right here and say that Ser Davos Seaworth returned in the night and is with Stannis. Cressen, you should probably get angry that you weren't informed about this and demand to go see Stannis alone!
Cressen: YES! I am furious about this! I demand to see Stannis alone.
And so Cressen leaves to go meet with Stannis.
Pylos: Fine, I'll just eat this breakfast myself then.
Shireen: Ooh, what is it?
Pylos: McDonalds Sausage Biscuit Sandwich.
Shireen: With cheese?
Pylos: OF COURSE. Who gets it WITHOUT cheese? Crazy people!
Raven: Corn!
Anyway, Cressen is on his way to see Stannis. Stannis is over at the Stone Drum, which is the main keep in Dragonstone (similar to the Red Keep in King's Landing). But since Cressen is super old with bad hips, he's having a super shitty hard time getting there. Plus there are all these steps. Steps everywhere! Cressen's old ass can't walk up all these steps!
Half way up the steps, he runs into Ser Davos, AKA "The Onion Knight"
Davos: Hey there. I'm a new main character in these books. Just want to let everyone know. My mission as envoy to the Stormlands has failed. All the lords sworn to Storms End have joined the lords of the Reach and have sworn fealty to Renly... not Stannis.
Cressen: Oh man, that's terrible. Look, I love Renly and all and I helped to raise him after that yachting accident that killed his parents. But that kid is still a kid. All he does is play games. He doesn't really want to be a king. He wants to PRETEND to be a king. Just like he always liked to pretend being a wizard or a dragon as a little kid. It's like he belongs in imagination land.
Davos: Yeah, they say he's setting up his own Kingsguard, but that they're all wearing flamboyant rainbow colors. That's not what actual kingsguards should look like unless the guards are in an off-Broadway production of Pippin.
Cressen: Hrm, I wonder why we're mentioning the words "flamboyant" and "rainbow" when mentioning Renly.
Davros shrugs.
Dalek: OUR CRE-A-TOR! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Excuse me, I mean "Davos" shrugs. It is really hard not to write "Davros" for some reason.
Cressen: So, other than the bad news... could you bring Stannis any good news?
Davos: Nah.
Cressen: Now if you'll excuse me, I think I want to go into a long, reflective narrative, where I think back upon your history and how you became known as "The Onion Knight" and fell into the service of Stannis, despite your lowly upbringing.
Davos: Well, I am a main character so that kind of backstory does sound good. But anyone who is bothering to read this probably already knows all that. So maybe... just a quick summary?
Cressen: You were born poor to a family that wasn't noble. You became a smuggler. You used to be a blockade runner and sneak your ships past Lord Redwyne's blockade back during the war against the Targayrens. You gave Stannis supplies like onions and fish that helped his army outlast the siege of Storm's End until Ned Stark could arrive to help. Stannis knighted you for it, and lifted you to be a noble. You got a house with it's own banner with ships and onions on it. But Stannis is also kind of a giant dick and because you were a smuggler, right after he made you a knight, he also said that you should be punished for your past crimes. So he cut all the fingers off your left hand, except for your thumb. You also still carry the bones of your removed fingers around on you in a little pouch around your neck. Because you probably have some sort of mental illness, I assume. You also seem to have a thing for Missandei in the TV show. Everyone is going to start "shipping" you two, and there is nothing you can do about.
Davos: Okay, that's enough. The point is, if I'm loyal to a dude who cut my fingers off, I have no reason to lie to him. He needs to hear the truth. And that truth is that attacking Kings Landing is suicide if he doesn't have any allies behind him, except for the sad collection of misfit toys on this island.
Davos leaves, because he said what he had to.
Cressen goes up to the keep and sees Stannis, standing over the Painted Table, a giant table which is shaped like a detailed map of the continent of Westeros.
Stannis: Oh shit. Cressen? You're still alive? Good to see you, little buddy. How you doing, huh? Huh?
Cressen: Stop treating me like a child!
Stannis: You must be real tired... walking up all those steps, huh Cressen? You need a nap? Huh? You need a nap? You didn't have to come up here. You could have learned about Davos's news tomorrow when you did your wakey-wakey.
Cressen: Yes, the news from Davos is indeed bad.
Stannis: Robert... that asshole... this is all his fault! I should have been the one at Storm's End. Not Renly. The castle was mine to inherent! Instead I get shitty, isolated Dragonstone! Everyone rallied around Renly because he was closer and I was all far away here.
Cressen: Also because everyone likes Renly but hates you.
Stannis: What?
Cressen: Nothing. I was simply saying that yes, Robert did you an injustice. But he needed a MAN to hold Dragonstone, and Renly was but a boy.
Stannis: Fuck Renly. I hate my brothers. Just what the hell am I going to do now? What am I going to tell the bannermen that are loyal to me? That all the houses of the Stormlands have abandoned us? That we're on our own?
Cressen: Sir... or SIRE, I guess now, we don't have to be alone. We can make alliances. We can ally with Renly.
Stannis: NOPE! Not going to happen. Not after he shafted me with that "declaring himself king" thing.
Cressen: Well, we can ally with the Stark boy in the North. They have plenty of followers. And they would likely want to team up with you if you were to help them defeat our true enemies, the Lannisters, and avenge Ned Stark.
Stannis: Why the hell would I want to avenge Ned Stark? What the hell has Ned Stark ever done for me?
Cressen: Uh, well... as explained earlier in this very prologue, he actually saved your ass when you were under siege by the Tyrell forces for a year. He also died in the last book specifically to prove and uphold your claim to the throne as the legitimate heir. So, uhhhh, actually... he's done a whole lot for you.
Stannis: Yeah, well, I'm an ungrateful asshole who is just the worst. And I'm resentful that Robert loved him more than he loved me. His own brother!!!
Stannis starts crying into a handkerchief.
Cressen: What about a marriage pact with the Arryns then? Shireen + Robert Arryn.
Stannis: Nope.
Cressen: Geez, don't you want to ally with ANYONE?
Just then, Stannis's icebox occultist wife enters the room.
Selyse: STANNIS NEEDS NO ALLIES! HE IS PROTECTED BY THE LORD OF LIGHT!
Cressen: Oh god, not this bitch and her fake god.
Selyse: Do not blaspheme R'hllor! I learned all about him from the Red Priestess, Melisandre of Asshai. I'm also starting to really get into Kabbalah, Buddhism, Astrology, and all the other weird, trendy shit that celebrities like. You know, I really consider myself more "spiritual" than "religious."
Stannis: Bitch, I do not need your god for help. I need an army.
Selyse: You have an army with the Lord of Light! See? He brings a comet as an omen that he will send victory to you!
Stannis: Well, when the comet deploys a mixed armed force of some 50,000 well-trained cavalry and foot soldiers capable of strategically assaulting King's Landing... I'll start taking the Lord of Light a bit more seriously.
Selyse: Melisandre has looked into the flames and sees Renly dead! When Renly dies, his armies will flock to join your cause!
Cressen: BLACK MAGIC! NO! Stannis, you must not be sucked into this crazy witchcraft stuff! She's talking about doing some shit to KILL YOUR OWN BROTHER! That's evil!
Stannis: Oh no, I hate my brother. That sounds sweet. Get the hell out of here, Cressen!
Cressen: No! But I...
Selyse walks up and throws him out the door. He falls down the steps for like five minutes, battered and bruised. At the bottom he sees Pylos.
Pylos: Oh, hey there buddy. Had a little trip?
Cressen: Shut up, Pylos. And help me back to my room. I need to formulate a plan... a plan to get rid of this Red Witch once and for all! BY POISONING HER!
Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNNN!!!
Pylos: And hey, because this prologue is super long, this seems like as good a place as any to just cut it off and have it be all dramatically continued next time.
Yeah, so let's do that.
Cressen: By the seven gods, I'm so old! I think I'll just crouch over here by the balcony and watch this red comet fly by. Ah yes, a red comet... leaving a mark in the sky like a wound. I know I'm too well educated and experiences to believe in superstition, but I can't help but feel that this is a bad omen. Especially with all these other omen-ey things happening too. Like steam rising from here in Dragonstone.
Oh right, I forgot to say -- Maester Cressen is on Dragonstone, the island at the entrance to Blackwater Bay which was traditionally held as a seat of power by the Targaryens. After Aegon conquered Westeros and moved the capital to Kings Landing, Dragonstone became the seat of power to the heir. Robert Baratheon must have had a similar-ish thing in mind before he had children (totally not his, by the way), because he had his younger brother, Stannis, hold Dragonstone for him.
Cressen: Anyway, as I was saying. Bad omens. The comet. The steam rising up from Dragonstone since it's a center of volcanic activity. And also this white raven that just arrived, proclaiming that summer has ended and that autumn has begun. It was a long summer too. Over ten years!
But then Maester Pylos bursts into the room.
Pylos: Whattup, punk ass bitch? You want some breakfast? Better hope I don't spit in it!
Cressen: *grumble*
Pylos and Cressen really don't like each other. Why? The answer is obvious. Stannis should only have one Maester. So why are there two? Because Cressen is old AF and Stannis just decided to get a new one even before the old one died. It's like when you're a kid and you have an older dog that's getting sick. So your parents get you a new puppy in the hopes that it will distract you and/or make you feel less bad when the old dog dies.
Needless to say, Cressen isn't exactly happy about this "being replaced" situation.
Cressen: What the hell do you want?
Pylos: Oh, you mean other than the breakfast thing? Princess Shireen would like to see the white raven. She heard it arrived.
Cressen: Princess? Oh... right... I guess now that Stannis is calling himself "King," Shireen is a Princess. Whatever. Bring her in.
She comes in.
Shireen: Hey there! Mind if I bring my best friend?
Cressen: Oh please God no, not Pa--
--Patchface the Juggler/Fool/Jester jingles into the room. I say "jingle" because his outfit is covered in little annoying bells.
Patchface: Under the sea, the birds have scales for feathers. I know, I know, I know. Under the sea,
Darling it's better, Down where it's wetter, Take it from me, oh I know, I know, I know.
Cressen: Shut up, Patchface.
Not a damn person can stand Patchface except for Shireen. Honestly everyone else wishes he would just die but since Shireen likes him, Stannis keeps him around.
Patchface was initially just a jester of a normal level of annoyance at first, but that was back in the day. Then Robert/Stannis/Renly's parents, Steffon and Cassana, decided to get drunk and take their pleasure yacht into a place called "Shipbreaker Bay." Patchface was with them on the yacht when it went down and was the only survivor. But he came out of the shipwreck totally fucking crazy. Probably because the yacht was continually blasting awful Pitbull music the whole time, including while it was sinking.
Cressen: Anyway Shireen, I'll go get the Raven so you can see it. Your life is pretty sad, what with you having a terrible dad, you being all alone here with nobody your age to play with, and you being infected with the face shingles.
Shireen: It's called "Greyscale."
Cressen: Whatever.
Cressen shuffles off to go get the white raven. As he does, he thinks about Stannis's new best friend... some hot-ass red witch. Oh yeah, she is SUPER hot. But she's a bit of a pyromaniac and loves to burn things. She even worships fire like it's some kind of god. CRAZY.
He brings the raven back.
Cressen: Here you go. It's a bird... but it's white! Fun, right?
Shireen: Yay! I like white things! I'm a Republican.
Cressen: What are you doing up so early anyway?
Shireen: I had a nightmare. I had a dream that dragons were going to eat me.
Cressen: Well, you live in an old castle built by dragon lords that has a number of dragons carved into the stones everywhere. So that's really not all that surprising. Honestly, we should have probably redone your room years ago and at least given you a "Disney Princess" theme or something.
Patchface: Under the sea, my lord, I know, I know, oh I--
Cressen: --SHHHH!!!
Shireen: I think the dragons are waking up. I dreamed I died in a horrible fire. The Red Witch says that the line in the sky is Dragon's Breath!
Cressen: That's crazy talk. You dying in a fire? Dragon's breath? Look girl, people see what they want to see when they look at the comet. I bet someone out there thinks it's a sign about Ned Stark's death. Some people think it's a sign that that they should light a fire to burn their husband's corpse and see if they can walk into the same fire unscathed while a a bunch of old dragon eggs hatch. I bet there are even some people who see the comet and think that it signals a pathway through the great waste of Essos as a mystical sign to go to Qarth.
Pylos: I hear some people in Kings Landing believe it means to foretell of Joffrey's rise to the throne, which is crazy because everyone knows Stannis is the true king.
Cressen: Yeah, and I bet other people think it's a herald warning of war, or a sword red hot from the forge, or a warning of corruption that will soon be purified, or a victory for house Tully, or a representation of blood, or a sign that summer is over, or a torch related to the Lord Commander of Castle Black, or a message from the drowned god, or a sign of the return of the Prince that was Promised.
Pylos: I even heard one theory back at the Citadel in Old Town that comets are, in fact, icy small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, they warm and begin to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Cressen: Shut up and go fetch my breakfast.
Pylos goes to fetch breakfast.
Shireen: So do I get to play with the raven or what?
Cressen: Sure.
She plays with it.
Shireen: Can it speak?
Raven: You bet your ass I can speak! The common tongue, High Valyrian, Low Valyrian, Dothraki, Old Ghiscari, Esperanto, that shit that Watto was speaking in Phantom Menace. Unfortunately, the only word I know in any of these language is "Corn." And the word "Corn" in every single one of these languages is, coincidentally, "Corn."
Shireen: HOLY CRAP! Everyone, did you hear that?
Raven: Corn.
Cressen: Hear what?
Raven: Corn.
Shireen: The raven! Did you hear what he just said?
Cressen: Yeah. He said, "Corn."
Raven: CORN!?
Shireen: No, no, no. BEFORE that! He had this whole paragraph.
Raven: Corn.
Cressen: Anyway. White ravens mean summer is over. I fear the autumn will bring long shadows and--
Patchface: --The shadows came to dance, my lord, dance my lord, dance my lord! The shadows came to stay, my lord, stay my lord, stay my lord! Oh my sweet lord. I really want to know you. Really want to go with you. Really want to show you, lord, that it won't take long, my lord, my lord, my lord!
Shireen: He won't stop singing that. It's so annoying. Can someone please shut him up?
Cressen: Okay.
Cressen pulls out a SIG Pro (SP 2022 variant) short recoil operated, locked breech semi-automatic pistol; chambers a .40 S&W; and sticks it to Patchface's head.
Shireen: NO! Not like that!
Cressen: Damnit. I was hoping to just get rid of him like the TV show did.
Raven: Corn.
Patchface: Clever bird! Clever man! Clever fool!
Pylos: Okay everyone, I'm back from breakfast fetching and I'm going to take an executive decision to move this prologue forward. This is a super long prologue anyway and we're not speeding it up any with all this BS. We're not even done with the first scene yet! So I'm going to end this right here and say that Ser Davos Seaworth returned in the night and is with Stannis. Cressen, you should probably get angry that you weren't informed about this and demand to go see Stannis alone!
Cressen: YES! I am furious about this! I demand to see Stannis alone.
And so Cressen leaves to go meet with Stannis.
Pylos: Fine, I'll just eat this breakfast myself then.
Shireen: Ooh, what is it?
Pylos: McDonalds Sausage Biscuit Sandwich.
Shireen: With cheese?
Pylos: OF COURSE. Who gets it WITHOUT cheese? Crazy people!
Raven: Corn!
Anyway, Cressen is on his way to see Stannis. Stannis is over at the Stone Drum, which is the main keep in Dragonstone (similar to the Red Keep in King's Landing). But since Cressen is super old with bad hips, he's having a super shitty hard time getting there. Plus there are all these steps. Steps everywhere! Cressen's old ass can't walk up all these steps!
Half way up the steps, he runs into Ser Davos, AKA "The Onion Knight"
Davos: Hey there. I'm a new main character in these books. Just want to let everyone know. My mission as envoy to the Stormlands has failed. All the lords sworn to Storms End have joined the lords of the Reach and have sworn fealty to Renly... not Stannis.
Cressen: Oh man, that's terrible. Look, I love Renly and all and I helped to raise him after that yachting accident that killed his parents. But that kid is still a kid. All he does is play games. He doesn't really want to be a king. He wants to PRETEND to be a king. Just like he always liked to pretend being a wizard or a dragon as a little kid. It's like he belongs in imagination land.
Davos: Yeah, they say he's setting up his own Kingsguard, but that they're all wearing flamboyant rainbow colors. That's not what actual kingsguards should look like unless the guards are in an off-Broadway production of Pippin.
Cressen: Hrm, I wonder why we're mentioning the words "flamboyant" and "rainbow" when mentioning Renly.
Davros shrugs.
Dalek: OUR CRE-A-TOR! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Excuse me, I mean "Davos" shrugs. It is really hard not to write "Davros" for some reason.
Cressen: So, other than the bad news... could you bring Stannis any good news?
Davos: Nah.
Cressen: Now if you'll excuse me, I think I want to go into a long, reflective narrative, where I think back upon your history and how you became known as "The Onion Knight" and fell into the service of Stannis, despite your lowly upbringing.
Davos: Well, I am a main character so that kind of backstory does sound good. But anyone who is bothering to read this probably already knows all that. So maybe... just a quick summary?
Cressen: You were born poor to a family that wasn't noble. You became a smuggler. You used to be a blockade runner and sneak your ships past Lord Redwyne's blockade back during the war against the Targayrens. You gave Stannis supplies like onions and fish that helped his army outlast the siege of Storm's End until Ned Stark could arrive to help. Stannis knighted you for it, and lifted you to be a noble. You got a house with it's own banner with ships and onions on it. But Stannis is also kind of a giant dick and because you were a smuggler, right after he made you a knight, he also said that you should be punished for your past crimes. So he cut all the fingers off your left hand, except for your thumb. You also still carry the bones of your removed fingers around on you in a little pouch around your neck. Because you probably have some sort of mental illness, I assume. You also seem to have a thing for Missandei in the TV show. Everyone is going to start "shipping" you two, and there is nothing you can do about.
Davos: Okay, that's enough. The point is, if I'm loyal to a dude who cut my fingers off, I have no reason to lie to him. He needs to hear the truth. And that truth is that attacking Kings Landing is suicide if he doesn't have any allies behind him, except for the sad collection of misfit toys on this island.
Davos leaves, because he said what he had to.
Cressen goes up to the keep and sees Stannis, standing over the Painted Table, a giant table which is shaped like a detailed map of the continent of Westeros.
Stannis: Oh shit. Cressen? You're still alive? Good to see you, little buddy. How you doing, huh? Huh?
Cressen: Stop treating me like a child!
Stannis: You must be real tired... walking up all those steps, huh Cressen? You need a nap? Huh? You need a nap? You didn't have to come up here. You could have learned about Davos's news tomorrow when you did your wakey-wakey.
Cressen: Yes, the news from Davos is indeed bad.
Stannis: Robert... that asshole... this is all his fault! I should have been the one at Storm's End. Not Renly. The castle was mine to inherent! Instead I get shitty, isolated Dragonstone! Everyone rallied around Renly because he was closer and I was all far away here.
Cressen: Also because everyone likes Renly but hates you.
Stannis: What?
Cressen: Nothing. I was simply saying that yes, Robert did you an injustice. But he needed a MAN to hold Dragonstone, and Renly was but a boy.
Stannis: Fuck Renly. I hate my brothers. Just what the hell am I going to do now? What am I going to tell the bannermen that are loyal to me? That all the houses of the Stormlands have abandoned us? That we're on our own?
Cressen: Sir... or SIRE, I guess now, we don't have to be alone. We can make alliances. We can ally with Renly.
Stannis: NOPE! Not going to happen. Not after he shafted me with that "declaring himself king" thing.
Cressen: Well, we can ally with the Stark boy in the North. They have plenty of followers. And they would likely want to team up with you if you were to help them defeat our true enemies, the Lannisters, and avenge Ned Stark.
Stannis: Why the hell would I want to avenge Ned Stark? What the hell has Ned Stark ever done for me?
Cressen: Uh, well... as explained earlier in this very prologue, he actually saved your ass when you were under siege by the Tyrell forces for a year. He also died in the last book specifically to prove and uphold your claim to the throne as the legitimate heir. So, uhhhh, actually... he's done a whole lot for you.
Stannis: Yeah, well, I'm an ungrateful asshole who is just the worst. And I'm resentful that Robert loved him more than he loved me. His own brother!!!
Stannis starts crying into a handkerchief.
Cressen: What about a marriage pact with the Arryns then? Shireen + Robert Arryn.
Stannis: Nope.
Cressen: Geez, don't you want to ally with ANYONE?
Just then, Stannis's icebox occultist wife enters the room.
Selyse: STANNIS NEEDS NO ALLIES! HE IS PROTECTED BY THE LORD OF LIGHT!
Cressen: Oh god, not this bitch and her fake god.
Selyse: Do not blaspheme R'hllor! I learned all about him from the Red Priestess, Melisandre of Asshai. I'm also starting to really get into Kabbalah, Buddhism, Astrology, and all the other weird, trendy shit that celebrities like. You know, I really consider myself more "spiritual" than "religious."
Stannis: Bitch, I do not need your god for help. I need an army.
Selyse: You have an army with the Lord of Light! See? He brings a comet as an omen that he will send victory to you!
Stannis: Well, when the comet deploys a mixed armed force of some 50,000 well-trained cavalry and foot soldiers capable of strategically assaulting King's Landing... I'll start taking the Lord of Light a bit more seriously.
Selyse: Melisandre has looked into the flames and sees Renly dead! When Renly dies, his armies will flock to join your cause!
Cressen: BLACK MAGIC! NO! Stannis, you must not be sucked into this crazy witchcraft stuff! She's talking about doing some shit to KILL YOUR OWN BROTHER! That's evil!
Stannis: Oh no, I hate my brother. That sounds sweet. Get the hell out of here, Cressen!
Cressen: No! But I...
Selyse walks up and throws him out the door. He falls down the steps for like five minutes, battered and bruised. At the bottom he sees Pylos.
Pylos: Oh, hey there buddy. Had a little trip?
Cressen: Shut up, Pylos. And help me back to my room. I need to formulate a plan... a plan to get rid of this Red Witch once and for all! BY POISONING HER!
Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNNN!!!
Pylos: And hey, because this prologue is super long, this seems like as good a place as any to just cut it off and have it be all dramatically continued next time.
Yeah, so let's do that.
No comments:
Post a Comment