Saturday, December 2, 2017

AGoT 70: Jon IX

It's late at night, and Jon sneaks away to the stables of Castle Black. He tiptoes his way to a horse.

Sam: Hey punk, I see you.

Jon: Damnit, Sam. I'm supposed to be sneaking away! What are you doing hiding in these stables anyway? You having sex with horses?

Sam: Come on, Jon. I'm not an idiot. A raven just arrived with a message that your father has been executed by King Joffrey. What am I supposed to THINK you're going to do next? Obviously abandon your vows and ride off to go join the army of your brother.

Jon: Oh wow, that's a pretty accurate deduction. Good work, Sam.

Sam: Well, I am the narrator. So I have that going for me.

Jon: Technically that's still just a fan theory. Not canon.

Sam: Don't go, Jon. It's treason. You can be executed for leaving the Night's Watch! I mean don't you remember Chapter 1?

Jon: Whatever bitch, smell you later.

Jon jumps on the horse and spurs it forward. It runs right towards Sam, making Sam dive out of the way. Probably crying like a little bitch. Which is an odd thing for me, the narrator, to say if I am indeed Sam.

Jon rides off into the night, hoping that nobody else saw him and that Sam won't snitch. Or at least will give him a head start before he snitches. Ghost follows. 

Finally out of sight of Castle Black and sure that nobody is following him, he slows his horse down. He'll need to trade the horse for a new one soon. And he'll need to get a new set of clothes so he looks less like a Night's Watch member. But where will he go? As soon as the ravens get out that he has abandoned his vows, not even Winterfell will take him back. 

That's shit he has to worry about in the future though. For now, he just needs to get to Mole's Town. As he approaches it, Ghost goes missing. That's not unusual though. Wolves do like to go hunting and kill shit.  John stops to rest himself, and also drink some water and eat some food.  But as he stops, he hears some riders approaching. 

Jon: OH SHIT! Who are these people! I better hide!

Grenn, Pyp, Toad, Halder, and Matthar ride up. 

Jon: Oh man. It's my best friends! They're looking for me. Sam must have snitched to them. Well, I guess it's better than snitching to Lord Commander Mormont.

Grenn: Did anyone hear that? It sounded like someone talking to themselves!

Jon: Oh man, I need to stop talking to myse--DAMNIT! I did it again!

Pyp: Yeah, I think I heard it that time.

Jon knows he must be absolutely silent now. He must not say another word. He needs to be completely calm and---

Ghost: *BARK*BARK*BARK*BARK* [Translation: Oh, hey Jon! How's it going, man? I was out hunting and it was awesome. I killed so many things. Rabbits. Squirrels. It was awesome. You want to see all the things I've killed? I put them in a big circle. It's like that owl that made a nest out of the corpses of lemmings.]

Jon: Shhhh! Shhh, boy! Be quiet!

Pyp: We see you, Jon.

Jon: NO YOU DON'T! THERE IS NOTHING HERE!

Grenn: Yeah, you're like twenty feet away from us and your direwolf is barking at you.

Jon: Damnit, Ghost! You're a snitch just like Sam! What is wrong with all you bitches? Don't you know the rules of the hood?

Pyp: We're here to take you back to where you belong, Jon. You need to come back to the castle.

Jon: I don't wanna!

Grenn: We're gonna drag you back, whether you like it or not. What are you going to do? Kill us all?

Jon: I could, you know? I'm the best!

But they know he's bluffing. Jon puts his sword away and sighs.

He reluctantly heads back. But already in his head he's formulating his next plan to escape again. 

The next morning, Jon is serving breakfast to the Lord Commander. He's whistling and pretending like didn't shit happen. 

Lord Commander Mormont: Gee Jon, you look a bit tired. Have trouble sleeping?

Jon: Nah. I'm good.

He yawns. 

Jon: Okay, maybe I watched a little porn.

Raven: CORN!

Jon: No, I said p--

Mormont: --Anyway, for breakfast this morning I'll have some eggs, toast, rashers, bacon, and I KNOW YOU SNUCK OUT LAST NIGHT, BITCH.

Jon: Oh shit.

Mormont: Aemon said you would leave. Just like I said you'd be back.

Jon: Well, I guess I committed treason against the Night's Watch and I'll be executed then, huh?

Mormont: Please. Do you actually think we execute everyone who breaks their vows? We wouldn't have anyone left guarding the Wall at all then. Just think of all the guys who sneak off to Mole's Town to get a little poon.  I'm pretty sure every member of the Watch has the clap.

Raven: CLAP! Ca-caw! Also, corn, if you don't mind.

Jon: Wow. That's good. Because I really don't want to be executed.

Mormont: I bet you don't. And I know you're thinking about escaping again, right? Well there is no forgiveness the second time. I will fuck your shit up.

Jon is silent. This pretty much confirms that Mormont is right. 

Mormont: What the hell were you thinking anyway? You think joining your brother's army will make your father's head magically re-attach itself? You think that adding one man to your brother's army will turn the tide of the war?  Your place is here, son. The cold wins are coming. There are reports of mammoths and Wildling armies moving around. Qhorin Halfhand has taken a Wilding captive who revealed that Mance Rayder, the King-Beyond-the-Wall, is gathering his people in some super secret stronghold for an unknown purpose.

Jon: Sounds intriguing. Like maybe some nice setup for a story line in a sequel book.

Mormont: Which war really matters to you? The war in the south or the war that is coming to us here? Does it really matter who sits on the Iron Throne when dead men are rising and hunting us?

Jon: Well, when you put it like THAT then I seem like a real dick for leaving.

Raven: CORN!

Jon: Goddamn it, I hate that fucking Raven. 

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