Tyrion is at the Inn at the Crossroads, giggling a whole bunch about the fact that his chapter is "69."
Tyrion: Hahaha, YESSSS!!!! This is so perfect! I mean what better character to have a 69 than me?
Shae: You called, my Giant?
Lord Tywin: GET THAT WHORE OUT OF HERE, TYRION!
Shae leaves. A messenger arrives.
Messenger: Oh hey everyone. Uhhhhh... quick update. Jaime has been captured and taken prisoner by Robb Stark's forces. Oh, also your army at Riverrun got totally crushed. I'll be leaving now before anyone throws something at me.
The messenger runs away.
Tywin: DAMNIT! THIS SUCKS! That was my favorite son!
Tyrion: Dude. I'm. Right. Here.
Tywin: Yes, I know. I'm saying it on purpose in front of your face because I hate you.
Tyrion: Oh yeah? Well you know how I will get my revenge on you? MY SUBJECTING YOU TO A PLOT EXPOSITION DROP CHAPTER!
Addam Marbrand: Oh GOD! Not one of those!
Kevan Lannister: I can't stand exposition chapters! We're going to have paragraph after paragraph of narrative italics!
And so we do!
Tyrion thinks back to "how we got here" to this situation. When Tywin got word that Rob Stark had divided his army (at the end of Tyrion VIII), Tywin ordered his forces to go on a grueling counter-march up to the Trident to catch up to the Stark forces. In the end, the death march was worthless because they got their too late. Robb Stark was already gone.
Harys Swyft and Kevan Lannister then argue about Jamie's battle strategy. They explain about how Jaime broke his forces up into three different camps. Harys says it was stupid, but Kevan counters that it strategically made sense to do. Of course, in the end that tactic allowed Jamie's army to be attacked without warning.
There is continued call-back to how exactly the various battles on the three different camps occurred. About how outriders never returned. About how Jaime rode out to the Whispering Wood and vanished. About how Blackfish led an attack during night. About how forces were pushed towards the catapults of Riverrun and routed. About how the other camps were attacked and defeated as well. About the forces of Greatjon Umber leading a charge and liberated a number of Lannister-held prisoners, including Edmure Tully. About how a part of the Lannister army was made up of sellswords that changed sides and joined the Stark forces when they saw how the battle was going. About how now the Stark forces have the ability to raid the Lannister supply lines.
So on and so on.
Tywin: Okay Tyrion, you've made your point. That exposition is very long. Please stop it now.
Harys: All hope is lost! I bet those Starks could even attack Casterly Rock now. We must sue for peace!!!
Tyrion: A fat lot of good that is going to do. Do you think Robb will have peace now that he is winning and he's gotten word that dipshit Joffrey just beheaded his father?
Leo Lefford: A few battle victories doesn't mean they'll continue to win. Plus the Starks still have more to lose. We have their girls. We should do an exchange of prisoners!
Addam Marbrand: You think the Starks would be willing to trade Jaime for those two girls? That's crazy talk. We all know women's lives aren't worth as much as men's.
Tywin: Okay, everybody shut the hell up and get out of here. Except you, Kevan and Tyrion.
And so everybody whose name isn't named "Lannister" leaves.
Tywin: You were right about Eddard Stark, Tyrion. Alive he was worth something. We could have used him as a bargaining chip to buy time to deal with team double trouble, Stannis and Renly. Joffrey is a fool.
Tyrion: Well, he's also a little child. So I guess that's a valid excuse for why he's a shitty king.
Tywin: Oh... and get this... I've also heard reports from Varys that Renly has wed some girl named "Margaery Tyrell" and declared himself king. This means he has all the might of Highgarden and Storm's End behind him. And to add to that, I just got this raven from Cersei, ordering me to march back to Kings Landing to help defend that little dipshit grandson king of mine. Defend him from what? Stannis? Stannis isn't even attacking yet. What the hell is he doing? Varys says he's building some fleet and seeking the council of some crazy Red Witch woman from Asshai or something.
Tywin then whips out a map and studies it.
Tywin: And look at us here. We're in a super shitty position. Roose Bolton to the north. Enemies at the Twins and Moat Cailin. Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr attacking all of our foraging parties. Whatever direction we go... we're fucked. And if we stay here... we're fucked. And the longer we wait, the more time that Dragonstone, Storm’s End, and Highgarden have to call together their bannermen so that EVEN MORE forces are mounted against us.
Tyrion: Uh... sounds crappy, dad. So what are we going to do?
Tywin: We? We? Well, I am going to lead my forces to Harrenhal to take on Robb Stark's army directly. Ser Addam will help direct the Mountain and a bunch of other worthless characters it's not important to remember to lead raids on the Riverlands and burn everything down. And your short ass is going back to King's Landing.
Tyrion: What? King's Landing? Why?
Tywin: Why? Isn't that obvious? Joffrey is an incompetent, moody, sadistic little shit. Who is going to control him? Not his bitch as mom who lets him do whatever he wants. What's happened so far in Kings Landing? Eddard executed? FAIL. That dipshit Janos Slynt elevated to a noble? FAIL. Barristan Selmy kicked out of the Kingsguard and dishonored? FAIL. The fucking Hound added to the Kingsguard? FAIL. It's like a giant shit show down there. It's worse than the final couple of seasons of LOST.
Tyrion: And how exactly am I supposed to change any of that?
Tywin: Uhh... because I'm making you Hand of the King.
Tyrion: OH SHIT. REALLY?! That's AWESOME! I thought you hated me.
Tywin: I do. But better a Lannister in control than anyone else. Cersei is obviously not up to that task. You need to get get Joffrey to get his shit together and make sure to start executing people who don't get in line.
Tyrion: This is the best Christmas present ever, thanks dad.
Tywin: And don't take that whore with you to court!
Tyrion: I promise not to!
Tywin: HEY WAIT! Were your fingers crossed behind your back?
Tyrion: Uhhh... no?
They were.
Tyrion: Hahaha, YESSSS!!!! This is so perfect! I mean what better character to have a 69 than me?
Shae: You called, my Giant?
Lord Tywin: GET THAT WHORE OUT OF HERE, TYRION!
Shae leaves. A messenger arrives.
Messenger: Oh hey everyone. Uhhhhh... quick update. Jaime has been captured and taken prisoner by Robb Stark's forces. Oh, also your army at Riverrun got totally crushed. I'll be leaving now before anyone throws something at me.
The messenger runs away.
Tywin: DAMNIT! THIS SUCKS! That was my favorite son!
Tyrion: Dude. I'm. Right. Here.
Tywin: Yes, I know. I'm saying it on purpose in front of your face because I hate you.
Tyrion: Oh yeah? Well you know how I will get my revenge on you? MY SUBJECTING YOU TO A PLOT EXPOSITION DROP CHAPTER!
Addam Marbrand: Oh GOD! Not one of those!
Kevan Lannister: I can't stand exposition chapters! We're going to have paragraph after paragraph of narrative italics!
And so we do!
Tyrion thinks back to "how we got here" to this situation. When Tywin got word that Rob Stark had divided his army (at the end of Tyrion VIII), Tywin ordered his forces to go on a grueling counter-march up to the Trident to catch up to the Stark forces. In the end, the death march was worthless because they got their too late. Robb Stark was already gone.
Harys Swyft and Kevan Lannister then argue about Jamie's battle strategy. They explain about how Jaime broke his forces up into three different camps. Harys says it was stupid, but Kevan counters that it strategically made sense to do. Of course, in the end that tactic allowed Jamie's army to be attacked without warning.
There is continued call-back to how exactly the various battles on the three different camps occurred. About how outriders never returned. About how Jaime rode out to the Whispering Wood and vanished. About how Blackfish led an attack during night. About how forces were pushed towards the catapults of Riverrun and routed. About how the other camps were attacked and defeated as well. About the forces of Greatjon Umber leading a charge and liberated a number of Lannister-held prisoners, including Edmure Tully. About how a part of the Lannister army was made up of sellswords that changed sides and joined the Stark forces when they saw how the battle was going. About how now the Stark forces have the ability to raid the Lannister supply lines.
So on and so on.
Tywin: Okay Tyrion, you've made your point. That exposition is very long. Please stop it now.
Harys: All hope is lost! I bet those Starks could even attack Casterly Rock now. We must sue for peace!!!
Tyrion: A fat lot of good that is going to do. Do you think Robb will have peace now that he is winning and he's gotten word that dipshit Joffrey just beheaded his father?
Leo Lefford: A few battle victories doesn't mean they'll continue to win. Plus the Starks still have more to lose. We have their girls. We should do an exchange of prisoners!
Addam Marbrand: You think the Starks would be willing to trade Jaime for those two girls? That's crazy talk. We all know women's lives aren't worth as much as men's.
Tywin: Okay, everybody shut the hell up and get out of here. Except you, Kevan and Tyrion.
And so everybody whose name isn't named "Lannister" leaves.
Tywin: You were right about Eddard Stark, Tyrion. Alive he was worth something. We could have used him as a bargaining chip to buy time to deal with team double trouble, Stannis and Renly. Joffrey is a fool.
Tyrion: Well, he's also a little child. So I guess that's a valid excuse for why he's a shitty king.
Tywin: Oh... and get this... I've also heard reports from Varys that Renly has wed some girl named "Margaery Tyrell" and declared himself king. This means he has all the might of Highgarden and Storm's End behind him. And to add to that, I just got this raven from Cersei, ordering me to march back to Kings Landing to help defend that little dipshit grandson king of mine. Defend him from what? Stannis? Stannis isn't even attacking yet. What the hell is he doing? Varys says he's building some fleet and seeking the council of some crazy Red Witch woman from Asshai or something.
Tywin then whips out a map and studies it.
Tywin: And look at us here. We're in a super shitty position. Roose Bolton to the north. Enemies at the Twins and Moat Cailin. Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr attacking all of our foraging parties. Whatever direction we go... we're fucked. And if we stay here... we're fucked. And the longer we wait, the more time that Dragonstone, Storm’s End, and Highgarden have to call together their bannermen so that EVEN MORE forces are mounted against us.
Tyrion: Uh... sounds crappy, dad. So what are we going to do?
Tywin: We? We? Well, I am going to lead my forces to Harrenhal to take on Robb Stark's army directly. Ser Addam will help direct the Mountain and a bunch of other worthless characters it's not important to remember to lead raids on the Riverlands and burn everything down. And your short ass is going back to King's Landing.
Tyrion: What? King's Landing? Why?
Tywin: Why? Isn't that obvious? Joffrey is an incompetent, moody, sadistic little shit. Who is going to control him? Not his bitch as mom who lets him do whatever he wants. What's happened so far in Kings Landing? Eddard executed? FAIL. That dipshit Janos Slynt elevated to a noble? FAIL. Barristan Selmy kicked out of the Kingsguard and dishonored? FAIL. The fucking Hound added to the Kingsguard? FAIL. It's like a giant shit show down there. It's worse than the final couple of seasons of LOST.
Tyrion: And how exactly am I supposed to change any of that?
Tywin: Uhh... because I'm making you Hand of the King.
Tyrion: OH SHIT. REALLY?! That's AWESOME! I thought you hated me.
Tywin: I do. But better a Lannister in control than anyone else. Cersei is obviously not up to that task. You need to get get Joffrey to get his shit together and make sure to start executing people who don't get in line.
Tyrion: This is the best Christmas present ever, thanks dad.
Tywin: And don't take that whore with you to court!
Tyrion: I promise not to!
Tywin: HEY WAIT! Were your fingers crossed behind your back?
Tyrion: Uhhh... no?
They were.
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