Cat is freaking the fuck out. Her son is marching south towards the Twins and war. Her husband is a prisoner in Kings Landing. Her brother, Edmund, is battling the Lannister forces near Riverrun. Her father, Hoster, is sick and dying. One of her daughters is a prisoner and she doesn't have a fucking clue where her other daughter is. And she's got a crippled son and a baby back in Winterfell. Her life is absolute shit and everything is going wrong.
The Blackfish has been riding out and scouting. He sends a letter that Walder Frey has assembled his men at the Twins rather than sending them south to Riverrun.
Robb: Oh, Lord Frey must be simply waiting for my army to arrive. Then he will join our forces and we'll march south together.
Cat: You're a pretty dumb dumbass sometimes, son. If you expect nothing from Frey then you will never be disappointed, because that's usually what he delivers. Jack shit. Plus he was always super friendly with the Lannisters.
They make camp and Theon shows up. The Blackfish has another letter. Theon delivers it.
Theon: Wow man, this guy is just writing letters left and right! Here you go.
Cat: Shut up, Theon. Nobody likes you.
The letter says that a bunch of Lannister scouts have been killed and captured by Blackfish because he's FUCKING BOSS. Now they are retreating South.
Theon: With the Lannisters retreating, they'll never figure out the plan we have to split our forces.
Cat: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Frey could still snitch on us and tell the Lannisters. Send orders to make sure any raven sent from the Twins is shot down by bowmen.
Theon: That order has already been given. But really because I fucking hate birds. Those things are disgusting. They shit everywhere and--
Cat: --Didn't I say shut up earlier, Theon? Now son, the only way across the Green Fork north of the Ruby ridge is the bridge at the Twins. Lord Frey must be on our side!
Theon: Well, if he isn't... we can simply storm the Twins and take it for ourselves!
Cat: DAMN, YOU ARE THE WORST ADVISOR EVER, THEON! I'm talking to my son, not to you. Don't listen to him, Robb. Listen to mommy dearest. We don't have the time to fight our own bannermen. Besides, if we laid siege to the Twins then Tywin Lannister's forces would come up and attack us from the rear.
Robb: *giggle*
Cat: Shh! Stop being such a child, Robb. You need to grow up and make a decision on what to do... now!
Robb: Well, what would dad do?
Cat: Ned would find a way to cross the river... no matter what. Then he'd cheat on the river and have a bastard son with some hussy from the south and bring home fucking Jon Snow.
Robb looses his collar, as mom's having one of her moods again.
Then, Blackfish, tired of simply sending letters, rides up and arrives himself.
Blackfish: Hey there! Sorry, the post service is so slow and I figured if I needed to get news to you then coming myself is the best way. Plus I was out of stamps and it was past 5PM, so the post office was closed anyway so I couldn't buy more stamps.
Robb: Just go on and tell us the story rather than talking about damn stamps.
Blackfish: Ah, yes. Edmure's forces have been defeated and he's been captured. Some of his men escaped and are holding their ground at Riverrun. Lord Frey has also pulled back all of his men into his castle rather than the lands around it.
Robb: GRRR! That fucking Frey! I say we attack Frey's stupid castle and knock the fucking walls down!
Cat: Well now you sound like a sulking boy, Robb. The Frey's have controlled that crossing for 600 years and they always make people to pay the toll to cross.
Robb: Wait... we just have to pay a toll? Why didn't anyone just say that in the first place? We have plenty of coins.
Cat: No, it's really more of a metaphorical toll. You have to pay with SOMETHING, not specifically money.
Robb: What do you mean? Like... butt stuff?
Cat: No, no, no! I mean... maybe... No! Probably not.
Robb: Well what the fuck is it that Frey wants?
Cat: The only way to find that out... is to go to him and ask!
Robb: Okay then.
So they go to the Twins.
Cat: Hey there, Walder Frey!
The frail, 90-year old Frey sits there in his castle, surrounded by his giant family of a million dudes all named "Walder." It's like everyone hopes that if they name their kid "Walder" he'll like them the most and get all the inheritance when old man Walder dies. Which will hopefully be any day now.
Cat: So... uhh... Why didn't you join my brother in battle? Also, why aren't your gates open to let my son cross? I want to try to be polite about this shit, but you're sworn to House Tully.
Frey sends all of his sycophant descendants away so they can talk alone.
Frey: Okay, so first off bitch... I was still gathering my strength before your dumb brother Edmund went and got himself captured. Second, in addition to being sworn to House Tully I'm also sworn to the King. You seem to be rebelling against the King right now, making you a bunch of fucking traitors. You can see how this puts me in a bit of a spot, right? Right?
Cat: You're so fucked up.
Frey: Fuck you and fuck the Tullys. I don't give a shit. All you Tullys look down on us Freys like we're shit. You can all eat a bag of dicks. And don't think that means I love the Lannisters either. They are a bunch of rich assholes that treat me like shit too. Arrogant twats. If they want me to side with them, then they can come before me and fucking ask.
Cat: Asking is exactly what I'm is doing. As is my father, my brother, my son, my husband, etc. I'm speaking on behalf of them all. We need your help.
Frey: You're fucking right you do. But why help people who insult me? Your father hasn't even showed up to the last four weddings I hosted here! What the fuck? Didn't even return the RSVPs with a, "Sorry" or anything.
Cat: Yeah, well, he's terminally ill and on his deathbed. So I don't think going to weddings or replying to your fucking Paperless Post cards is at the top of his priority list.
Frey: Well it damn well SHOULD BE! Plus there is the shit with your sister. I wanted some of my kids to be fostered with the Arryns. And for their boy to be fostered here. But no again. They wanted him to go to Tywin.
Cat: Wait... I thought the kid was supposed to be fostered with Stannis, not Tywin.
Frey: BITCH, I'M NOT THAT SENILE! I know the difference between Tywin and Stannis. Stannis is the one that likes scat play. So are we getting to haggling now or what?
Cat: Yes. Let's haggle. Just what do we have to give you in order to let Robb's army cross? Maybe even have some of your forces join us and march?
Frey: Well make me a first offer. I want to hear it.
Cat: Okay, we'll give you the island of Manhattan in order to let Robb cross. But you also have to give us $24 worth of beads.
Frey: Hahaha, you're crazy. Nobody wants shitty Manhattan. I want a MINT CONDITION Honus Wagner T206 baseball card, the Hope Diamond, a yacht that's big enough to land a helicopter on, at least one of those big ass stones from Stonehenge, every single Elgin Marble from the Parthenon that has a girl with an exposed titty on it, an agreement that your son will marry one of my daughters, and at least one painting by Leonardo. It doesn't have to be the Mona Lisa or anything... but it has to be a Leonardo. By Leonardo himself. I don't want any "Usually Attributed to Leonardo" or "From the Workshop of Leonardo" bullshit that was done by one of his studio apprentices. This shit needs to be certified.
Cat: No fucking way. I counter you with an offer of...
And so it goes on. For a few hours. Offer. Counter offer. Counter to the counter. Counter to that. And so on.
Finally, Cat leaves the catsle and goes out to join her son's army.
Robb: So... did we make a deal? What do we need to do in order to let my army pass?
Cat: Yes, we made a deal. You will be granted the crossing and all but 400 of Lord Frey’s forces will join you. In exchange, two of Lord Walder’s grandsons will be fostered at Winterfell, Olyvar Frey will become your squire, Arya will marry Walder’s youngest son Elmar, and you will marry your choice of Lord Walder’s daughters when the fighting is done. Also, we owe him a Honus Wagner T206 card, but I talked him down to a "fair" condition card, rather than "mint."
Robb: THAT IS A TERRIBLE FUCKING DEAL!
Cat: Yeah, I'm kind of a bad negotiator. I also agreed to leave 400 of our men with him. That's not a bad thing though... it will help to assure he stays loyal and doesn't double-cross us.
Robb and his army cross the river that evening. Roose Bolton's men stay on the other side of the River and ride south to Tywin.
The Blackfish has been riding out and scouting. He sends a letter that Walder Frey has assembled his men at the Twins rather than sending them south to Riverrun.
Robb: Oh, Lord Frey must be simply waiting for my army to arrive. Then he will join our forces and we'll march south together.
Cat: You're a pretty dumb dumbass sometimes, son. If you expect nothing from Frey then you will never be disappointed, because that's usually what he delivers. Jack shit. Plus he was always super friendly with the Lannisters.
They make camp and Theon shows up. The Blackfish has another letter. Theon delivers it.
Theon: Wow man, this guy is just writing letters left and right! Here you go.
Cat: Shut up, Theon. Nobody likes you.
The letter says that a bunch of Lannister scouts have been killed and captured by Blackfish because he's FUCKING BOSS. Now they are retreating South.
Theon: With the Lannisters retreating, they'll never figure out the plan we have to split our forces.
Cat: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Frey could still snitch on us and tell the Lannisters. Send orders to make sure any raven sent from the Twins is shot down by bowmen.
Theon: That order has already been given. But really because I fucking hate birds. Those things are disgusting. They shit everywhere and--
Cat: --Didn't I say shut up earlier, Theon? Now son, the only way across the Green Fork north of the Ruby ridge is the bridge at the Twins. Lord Frey must be on our side!
Theon: Well, if he isn't... we can simply storm the Twins and take it for ourselves!
Cat: DAMN, YOU ARE THE WORST ADVISOR EVER, THEON! I'm talking to my son, not to you. Don't listen to him, Robb. Listen to mommy dearest. We don't have the time to fight our own bannermen. Besides, if we laid siege to the Twins then Tywin Lannister's forces would come up and attack us from the rear.
Robb: *giggle*
Cat: Shh! Stop being such a child, Robb. You need to grow up and make a decision on what to do... now!
Robb: Well, what would dad do?
Cat: Ned would find a way to cross the river... no matter what. Then he'd cheat on the river and have a bastard son with some hussy from the south and bring home fucking Jon Snow.
Robb looses his collar, as mom's having one of her moods again.
Then, Blackfish, tired of simply sending letters, rides up and arrives himself.
Blackfish: Hey there! Sorry, the post service is so slow and I figured if I needed to get news to you then coming myself is the best way. Plus I was out of stamps and it was past 5PM, so the post office was closed anyway so I couldn't buy more stamps.
Robb: Just go on and tell us the story rather than talking about damn stamps.
Blackfish: Ah, yes. Edmure's forces have been defeated and he's been captured. Some of his men escaped and are holding their ground at Riverrun. Lord Frey has also pulled back all of his men into his castle rather than the lands around it.
Robb: GRRR! That fucking Frey! I say we attack Frey's stupid castle and knock the fucking walls down!
Cat: Well now you sound like a sulking boy, Robb. The Frey's have controlled that crossing for 600 years and they always make people to pay the toll to cross.
Robb: Wait... we just have to pay a toll? Why didn't anyone just say that in the first place? We have plenty of coins.
Cat: No, it's really more of a metaphorical toll. You have to pay with SOMETHING, not specifically money.
Robb: What do you mean? Like... butt stuff?
Cat: No, no, no! I mean... maybe... No! Probably not.
Robb: Well what the fuck is it that Frey wants?
Cat: The only way to find that out... is to go to him and ask!
Robb: Okay then.
So they go to the Twins.
Cat: Hey there, Walder Frey!
The frail, 90-year old Frey sits there in his castle, surrounded by his giant family of a million dudes all named "Walder." It's like everyone hopes that if they name their kid "Walder" he'll like them the most and get all the inheritance when old man Walder dies. Which will hopefully be any day now.
Cat: So... uhh... Why didn't you join my brother in battle? Also, why aren't your gates open to let my son cross? I want to try to be polite about this shit, but you're sworn to House Tully.
Frey sends all of his sycophant descendants away so they can talk alone.
Frey: Okay, so first off bitch... I was still gathering my strength before your dumb brother Edmund went and got himself captured. Second, in addition to being sworn to House Tully I'm also sworn to the King. You seem to be rebelling against the King right now, making you a bunch of fucking traitors. You can see how this puts me in a bit of a spot, right? Right?
Cat: You're so fucked up.
Frey: Fuck you and fuck the Tullys. I don't give a shit. All you Tullys look down on us Freys like we're shit. You can all eat a bag of dicks. And don't think that means I love the Lannisters either. They are a bunch of rich assholes that treat me like shit too. Arrogant twats. If they want me to side with them, then they can come before me and fucking ask.
Cat: Asking is exactly what I'm is doing. As is my father, my brother, my son, my husband, etc. I'm speaking on behalf of them all. We need your help.
Frey: You're fucking right you do. But why help people who insult me? Your father hasn't even showed up to the last four weddings I hosted here! What the fuck? Didn't even return the RSVPs with a, "Sorry" or anything.
Cat: Yeah, well, he's terminally ill and on his deathbed. So I don't think going to weddings or replying to your fucking Paperless Post cards is at the top of his priority list.
Frey: Well it damn well SHOULD BE! Plus there is the shit with your sister. I wanted some of my kids to be fostered with the Arryns. And for their boy to be fostered here. But no again. They wanted him to go to Tywin.
Cat: Wait... I thought the kid was supposed to be fostered with Stannis, not Tywin.
Frey: BITCH, I'M NOT THAT SENILE! I know the difference between Tywin and Stannis. Stannis is the one that likes scat play. So are we getting to haggling now or what?
Cat: Yes. Let's haggle. Just what do we have to give you in order to let Robb's army cross? Maybe even have some of your forces join us and march?
Frey: Well make me a first offer. I want to hear it.
Cat: Okay, we'll give you the island of Manhattan in order to let Robb cross. But you also have to give us $24 worth of beads.
Frey: Hahaha, you're crazy. Nobody wants shitty Manhattan. I want a MINT CONDITION Honus Wagner T206 baseball card, the Hope Diamond, a yacht that's big enough to land a helicopter on, at least one of those big ass stones from Stonehenge, every single Elgin Marble from the Parthenon that has a girl with an exposed titty on it, an agreement that your son will marry one of my daughters, and at least one painting by Leonardo. It doesn't have to be the Mona Lisa or anything... but it has to be a Leonardo. By Leonardo himself. I don't want any "Usually Attributed to Leonardo" or "From the Workshop of Leonardo" bullshit that was done by one of his studio apprentices. This shit needs to be certified.
Cat: No fucking way. I counter you with an offer of...
And so it goes on. For a few hours. Offer. Counter offer. Counter to the counter. Counter to that. And so on.
Finally, Cat leaves the catsle and goes out to join her son's army.
Robb: So... did we make a deal? What do we need to do in order to let my army pass?
Cat: Yes, we made a deal. You will be granted the crossing and all but 400 of Lord Frey’s forces will join you. In exchange, two of Lord Walder’s grandsons will be fostered at Winterfell, Olyvar Frey will become your squire, Arya will marry Walder’s youngest son Elmar, and you will marry your choice of Lord Walder’s daughters when the fighting is done. Also, we owe him a Honus Wagner T206 card, but I talked him down to a "fair" condition card, rather than "mint."
Robb: THAT IS A TERRIBLE FUCKING DEAL!
Cat: Yeah, I'm kind of a bad negotiator. I also agreed to leave 400 of our men with him. That's not a bad thing though... it will help to assure he stays loyal and doesn't double-cross us.
Robb and his army cross the river that evening. Roose Bolton's men stay on the other side of the River and ride south to Tywin.
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