Tyrion is leading about 300 mountain clans-people (aka West Virginians) on the road back towards the Inn at the Crossroads.
Chella of the Black Ears: Me Chella see 20,000 men ahead. Way big!
Tyrion: Ah, well it must be my father's army. Sweet. We've finally arrived back to safety. Now time to go visit my dad. I better go alone though. I don't think he'd want me to show up with a bunch of clansmen. He's kind of bigoted.
Bronn: You'd think a bigoted person would get along fine with clansmen.
Tyrion: Hahaha, good one! But no... not that kind of clansmen.
Ulf: Me Ulf, Son of Umar no trust Halfman to go alone. He betray us!
Shagga: Yes, Shagga, Son of Dolf no trust Boyman either. We come with you.
Randy Savage: I don't trust this little Hornswoggle either. OOOOOOOH YEEEEEAAAH!
Tyrion: Fine, fine. Whatever. One person from each clan can come with me. But the rest of you... try not to kill each other.
Chella: What? We no kill each other! We just have strong debates. We get together in council and discuss things. Then we come to agreement on all matters before making decision. It our form of government. We call, "democracy."
Tyrion: Sounds like a stupid, inefficient form of government that relies on the uninformed, gets nothing done, and produces transitive, horrible results. But who am I to judge? Anyway, let's go.
As they walk towards the Lannister forces, a captain recognized Tyrion.
Captain: HEY! I know you!
Tyrion: Well, I'd hope so as you work for the Lannisters and I am a Lannister. And not only a normal Lannister... but an easily recognizable one since I'm a dwarf. So that's good.
Captain: Yeah, thanks. I am pretty good at my job! I'll escort you the rest of your way to your father. He's made his Headquarters the Inn at the Crossroads.
Tyrion: Really? The place where I got kidnapped! Hahaha, full circle!
They walk along and see lots of birds swooping around looking for carrion to eat. But Tyrion doesn't see dead bodies. What he does see are a bunch of burned and destroyed buildings. His dad has been absolutely wrecking the countryside. As they arrive at the inn, Tyrion sees the corpse of Masha Heddle, the innkeeper, hanging from a gallows.
Tyrion: Ho ho ho! That's what you get, bitch! You helped Lady Stark abduct me... a visitor in your own inn.
The guards let Tyrion into his father's room, where he finds Lord Tywin hanging out with his uncle (Tywin's brother), Kevan Lannister.
Kevan: Whattup shorty? I never expected to see you again.
Tywin: I see the reports of your death are greatly exaggerated.
Tyrion: Good one! Mark Twain, right? Technically a misquote. Well, I'm glad you started a war for my sake. Pretty cool.
Tywin: Not by choice. We had to for the honor of the Lannister family. I can't believe you let yourself get kidnapped by a girl. You know Jaime would have never let that happen.
Tyrion: Yeah, Jaime's a lot taller too, in case you didn't notice that, fuckface. So how is the war going?
Tywin: Jaime has been tearing shit up. He's my favorite son, you know. He totally fucked up the armies of Lords Piper and Vance at the Golden Tooth, then he beat the Tully forces outside Riverrun and captured Lord Edmure. Lord Blackwood has fallen back in order to defend Riverrun, but I'm sure Jaime will capture it soon. The other river lords have run scared to protect their own lands. My army is picking them off one-by-one. Only the Freys and Mallisters are really left to oppose us, but that doesn't scare me. Do you know how likely it is Walder Frey will get off his old ass to come fight? NOT VERY! The only threat is if the Starks or Arryns decide to join the fray.
Tyrion: I thought you just said Frey wasn't fighting?
Tywin: No, the FRAY. Not FREY.
Tyrion: I know, I know. I was just fucking with you, pops. Lighten up. Anyway... you definitely don't have to worry about the Arryns. I just came from Lady Lysa. No way is that mental bitch going to leave her little sky castle to join the war. She's too concerned about protecting her sickly son. Oh, and I also heard that Ned Stark got arrested. Hahaha, crazy! I wonder how my sister was able to convince King Robert to do that. I'm going to guess anal.
Kevan: Uhh... King Robert is dead and Joffrey now reigns.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! When did this happen? Get kidnapped for a few weeks/months, and the world goes crazy! So I guess that means my sister is the TRUE ruler now, huh? No way is my dipshit nephew smart enough to run anything himself.
Tywin: Yeah, anyway son... great to see you're alive and have you back and all. And now that you're back I can put you in charge of a small force of men and send you to war. Hopefully you'll be smart enough to die this time.
Tyrion: WHAAAAAAA?
Tywin: Piper and Vance keep attacking Jamie's supply trains. Beric Dondarrion has also been attacking my army's forging activities. You and 20 men should go attack them.
Tyrion: Commanding such a small force? No, I must admit I had some help getting here. And I think I hear my help now...
The door to the room bursts open and Tyrion's Clansmen friends barge in.
Kevan: Who the hell are these filthy savages?
Tyrion: Well that man there is Shagga. That one is Randy Savage. That one is... hey... look, I don't have time to tell you ALL of their name. But they are the various representatives from the warrior clans of the Vale. I found them on the way back. Can I keep them daddy? Can I keep them, please? I promise to feed them and walk them and make sure they don't poop in the house.
Randy Savage: TOO LATE, LITTLE BUDDY! THE MACHO MAN HAS ALREADY CRAPPED IN THE FOYER.
Tyrion: There are 3,000 more of them as well. And I've kind of already promised them weapons, armor, wagons, horses, silk, and Super Bowl tickets.
Tywin: Hrm, even a westerner such as myself has heard of the prowess and might of the Vale clans.
Shagga: This look like war council here. We clansmen sit on all war councils. It part of our system of government called democracy. Who are you, strange bald man with mutton chops?
Tyrion: Ah, you haven't been properly introduced yet, have you? Clansmen... this is my father, Tyrion Lannister. Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Warden of the West, Head of House Lannister, Defender of the Faith, the Last of the Mohicans, the Bard of Avon, the King of Rock and Roll, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the---
Tywin: --Okay, enough of that shit, Tyrion.
A messenger then runs in.
Messenger: Lord Tywin, we just got news that Robb Stark's army has finally left Moat Cailin and is marching south towards us.
Tywin: Hahaha, oh sweet! At last that idiot is coming right towards us. Walking right into our trap. After he's easily defeated I can turn my attention to Stannis. And it would be great to have these clansmen join us in the battles against the Starks! If you do, you'll have all that's promised and more!
Randy Savage: What MADNESS is this? This old man promises to us what is already owed! I challenge him to a fight at Survivor Series! And you know the MACHO MAN will win! I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour, OooOOooo YEEEEaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Tywin: My apologies, it was merely a saying. Of course you shall be given all that was already promised. What I meant to say is how my own men are afraid of the Starks. So it would be great to have forces who weren't afraid. You know. Hint, hint.
Timett: TIMETT AND THE BURNED MEN ARE SCARED OF NOTHING! I WILL FIGHT THEM.
All the other clan representatives also agree how not scared they are.
Tyrion: Oh wow, dad. I see what you did there. That was manipulative and sneaky as hell.
Randy Savage: OOOOH YEEEEEAH! WE WILL JOIN YOUR ARMIES LANNISTER, BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE THAT THIS HALFMAN HERE JOINS US IN BATTLE!
Tywin: Uhhhh... done.
Tyrion: Wait, what?
Chella of the Black Ears: Me Chella see 20,000 men ahead. Way big!
Tyrion: Ah, well it must be my father's army. Sweet. We've finally arrived back to safety. Now time to go visit my dad. I better go alone though. I don't think he'd want me to show up with a bunch of clansmen. He's kind of bigoted.
Bronn: You'd think a bigoted person would get along fine with clansmen.
Tyrion: Hahaha, good one! But no... not that kind of clansmen.
Ulf: Me Ulf, Son of Umar no trust Halfman to go alone. He betray us!
Shagga: Yes, Shagga, Son of Dolf no trust Boyman either. We come with you.
Randy Savage: I don't trust this little Hornswoggle either. OOOOOOOH YEEEEEAAAH!
Tyrion: Fine, fine. Whatever. One person from each clan can come with me. But the rest of you... try not to kill each other.
Chella: What? We no kill each other! We just have strong debates. We get together in council and discuss things. Then we come to agreement on all matters before making decision. It our form of government. We call, "democracy."
Tyrion: Sounds like a stupid, inefficient form of government that relies on the uninformed, gets nothing done, and produces transitive, horrible results. But who am I to judge? Anyway, let's go.
As they walk towards the Lannister forces, a captain recognized Tyrion.
Captain: HEY! I know you!
Tyrion: Well, I'd hope so as you work for the Lannisters and I am a Lannister. And not only a normal Lannister... but an easily recognizable one since I'm a dwarf. So that's good.
Captain: Yeah, thanks. I am pretty good at my job! I'll escort you the rest of your way to your father. He's made his Headquarters the Inn at the Crossroads.
Tyrion: Really? The place where I got kidnapped! Hahaha, full circle!
They walk along and see lots of birds swooping around looking for carrion to eat. But Tyrion doesn't see dead bodies. What he does see are a bunch of burned and destroyed buildings. His dad has been absolutely wrecking the countryside. As they arrive at the inn, Tyrion sees the corpse of Masha Heddle, the innkeeper, hanging from a gallows.
Tyrion: Ho ho ho! That's what you get, bitch! You helped Lady Stark abduct me... a visitor in your own inn.
The guards let Tyrion into his father's room, where he finds Lord Tywin hanging out with his uncle (Tywin's brother), Kevan Lannister.
Kevan: Whattup shorty? I never expected to see you again.
Tywin: I see the reports of your death are greatly exaggerated.
Tyrion: Good one! Mark Twain, right? Technically a misquote. Well, I'm glad you started a war for my sake. Pretty cool.
Tywin: Not by choice. We had to for the honor of the Lannister family. I can't believe you let yourself get kidnapped by a girl. You know Jaime would have never let that happen.
Tyrion: Yeah, Jaime's a lot taller too, in case you didn't notice that, fuckface. So how is the war going?
Tywin: Jaime has been tearing shit up. He's my favorite son, you know. He totally fucked up the armies of Lords Piper and Vance at the Golden Tooth, then he beat the Tully forces outside Riverrun and captured Lord Edmure. Lord Blackwood has fallen back in order to defend Riverrun, but I'm sure Jaime will capture it soon. The other river lords have run scared to protect their own lands. My army is picking them off one-by-one. Only the Freys and Mallisters are really left to oppose us, but that doesn't scare me. Do you know how likely it is Walder Frey will get off his old ass to come fight? NOT VERY! The only threat is if the Starks or Arryns decide to join the fray.
Tyrion: I thought you just said Frey wasn't fighting?
Tywin: No, the FRAY. Not FREY.
Tyrion: I know, I know. I was just fucking with you, pops. Lighten up. Anyway... you definitely don't have to worry about the Arryns. I just came from Lady Lysa. No way is that mental bitch going to leave her little sky castle to join the war. She's too concerned about protecting her sickly son. Oh, and I also heard that Ned Stark got arrested. Hahaha, crazy! I wonder how my sister was able to convince King Robert to do that. I'm going to guess anal.
Kevan: Uhh... King Robert is dead and Joffrey now reigns.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! When did this happen? Get kidnapped for a few weeks/months, and the world goes crazy! So I guess that means my sister is the TRUE ruler now, huh? No way is my dipshit nephew smart enough to run anything himself.
Tywin: Yeah, anyway son... great to see you're alive and have you back and all. And now that you're back I can put you in charge of a small force of men and send you to war. Hopefully you'll be smart enough to die this time.
Tyrion: WHAAAAAAA?
Tywin: Piper and Vance keep attacking Jamie's supply trains. Beric Dondarrion has also been attacking my army's forging activities. You and 20 men should go attack them.
Tyrion: Commanding such a small force? No, I must admit I had some help getting here. And I think I hear my help now...
The door to the room bursts open and Tyrion's Clansmen friends barge in.
Kevan: Who the hell are these filthy savages?
Tyrion: Well that man there is Shagga. That one is Randy Savage. That one is... hey... look, I don't have time to tell you ALL of their name. But they are the various representatives from the warrior clans of the Vale. I found them on the way back. Can I keep them daddy? Can I keep them, please? I promise to feed them and walk them and make sure they don't poop in the house.
Randy Savage: TOO LATE, LITTLE BUDDY! THE MACHO MAN HAS ALREADY CRAPPED IN THE FOYER.
Tyrion: There are 3,000 more of them as well. And I've kind of already promised them weapons, armor, wagons, horses, silk, and Super Bowl tickets.
Tywin: Hrm, even a westerner such as myself has heard of the prowess and might of the Vale clans.
Shagga: This look like war council here. We clansmen sit on all war councils. It part of our system of government called democracy. Who are you, strange bald man with mutton chops?
Tyrion: Ah, you haven't been properly introduced yet, have you? Clansmen... this is my father, Tyrion Lannister. Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Warden of the West, Head of House Lannister, Defender of the Faith, the Last of the Mohicans, the Bard of Avon, the King of Rock and Roll, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the---
Tywin: --Okay, enough of that shit, Tyrion.
A messenger then runs in.
Messenger: Lord Tywin, we just got news that Robb Stark's army has finally left Moat Cailin and is marching south towards us.
Tywin: Hahaha, oh sweet! At last that idiot is coming right towards us. Walking right into our trap. After he's easily defeated I can turn my attention to Stannis. And it would be great to have these clansmen join us in the battles against the Starks! If you do, you'll have all that's promised and more!
Randy Savage: What MADNESS is this? This old man promises to us what is already owed! I challenge him to a fight at Survivor Series! And you know the MACHO MAN will win! I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour, OooOOooo YEEEEaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Tywin: My apologies, it was merely a saying. Of course you shall be given all that was already promised. What I meant to say is how my own men are afraid of the Starks. So it would be great to have forces who weren't afraid. You know. Hint, hint.
Timett: TIMETT AND THE BURNED MEN ARE SCARED OF NOTHING! I WILL FIGHT THEM.
All the other clan representatives also agree how not scared they are.
Tyrion: Oh wow, dad. I see what you did there. That was manipulative and sneaky as hell.
Randy Savage: OOOOH YEEEEEAH! WE WILL JOIN YOUR ARMIES LANNISTER, BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE THAT THIS HALFMAN HERE JOINS US IN BATTLE!
Tywin: Uhhhh... done.
Tyrion: Wait, what?
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