Fucking Sansa (ugh) Stark shows up to her first court appearance in front of Joffrey. She's now, by permission of Cersei, allowed to "freely" roam the Red Keep. And by "freely" I mean she's a prisoner who can't leave and guards follow her wherever she goes. Guards like Kingsguard member Ser Mandon Moore, who stands by closely.
Ser Mandon Moore: Please, no need to be so formal. My friends like to just call me "Mandy" for short.
What? Really?
Mandy Moore: Absolutely.
King Joffrey and Queen Cersei then arrive, to much pomp and circumstance. Joffrey climbs up and sits on the Iron Throne.
Joffrey: It is the king's duty to punish those disloyal to him. Grand Maester Pycelle, please read the ROLL OF SHAME .
Pycelle: Okay, well, I could just read this entire ROLL OF SHAME that names a bunch of lords that need to show up and bend the knee to you, your Grace. But really the point we're getting at here is Stannis, Renly, and the Starks. Which Starks? All of them.
Joffrey: Even Rickon!
Pycelle: Indeed. And now that the ROLL OF SHAME is read, I will now move on to read the King's next decree. In place of the traitor Ned Stark, the new Hand of the King is to be... drumroll please...
The court starts a drumroll on their thighs.
Pycelle: --TYWIN LANNISTER!
Absolutely nobody is surprised, but a couple of people fake it.
Pycelle: And next, the King decrees that his mommy, Cersei, will sit in place of the traitor Stannis Baratheon on his Small Council. Also, Ser Janos Slynt will be on the Small Council and we elevate him to the title of Lord of Harrenhal. He and his descendants shall have all the ancient lands of the seat of Harren from now until the end of time OR until Chapter 8 of the next book. Whichever comes first.
This time, people around the court really are surprised. Janos was a commoner with no royal blood or rank. In fact, he's the son of a BUTCHER!!!! Hey look, nobody is hating on butchers here. But to now suddenly be elevated to Lord of Harrenhal (the largest castle in the seven kingdoms) is CRAZY! Everybody knows why... it's because he helped betray Ned Stark to Littlefinger and Cersei.
Pycelle: And last, I decree that the protection of the King is of the utmost importance, given these troubling and dangerous times of war and traitors.
Cersei: Yes, and on that last point, I'd like to make a further announcement. Ser Barristan Selmy... please, step forward.
The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard steps forward in his white cloak, and bends his knee before the King and Queen.
Barristan: Your grace.
Cersei: You have served the crown well for many years, but now is the time to set aside that burden and enjoy retirement. You will see that we have drawn up a standard Severance Agreement on bond paper. Pay close attention to Section 2, the terms of your compensation upon termination. Make sure you are okay with the accrued obligations, equity awards, welfare benefit plans, and your right to elect continuation coverage of insurance benefits, by the extent required by law. In subsection (d) you will find--
Barristan: --I... I'm so confused, my Queen. What is going on? Only death may end the term of a Kingsguard! It is a sacred trust for life. I long ago forsake my ancestral lands that I was supposed to inherent and turned away my fiance because Kingsguard members aren't allowed to marry. And that bitch was HAWT. I have served three kings and--
Littlefinger: --Three dead kings.
Barristan: What does that have to do with anything?
Cersei: Lord Commander Selmy, I am afraid that Littlefinger does have a point. Young King Joffrey is surrounded by traitors and those who would harm him. He needs younger, stronger men around to protect him.
Joffrey: Yeah, good job protecting my dad, OLD MAN. You were supposed to do that out in the woods but you know what? HE DIED.
Cersei: The new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard shall be... *licks lips and touches herself*... JAIME LANNISTER!
Barristan: WHAT THE HELL?! You mean Jaime Lannister whose very name is a disgrace to the Kingsguard because he is the one member of the Kingsguard who ACTUALLY BETRAYED AND MURDERED HIS KING?
Everyone Else in the Room: *shrug*
Varys: Please, please. Calm yourself, Barristan. We mean you know disrespect with this. We all hold you in the highest regard. As a reward for your many years of service, we shall give you a plot of lands in the west with men, gold, servants and, you know... some hookers or something if you want.
Barristan: A giant house to die in and servants to bury me? THE HELL WITH THAT.
Barristan removes his white cloak and throws it on the ground. He then spits towards the king, whips out a pair of Bud Lites, smashes them together to open them up, drinks the foam off of them, throws them to the ground, and gives everyone the Stone Cold Steve Austin double middle finger.
Barristan: I am a knight, and I will die a knight.
Littlefinger: You'll die a naked knight if you keep disrobing.
Everyone laughs. Littlefinger is hilarious.
Barristan gives Littlefinger a Stunner (sitout 3/4 facelock jawbreaker) and then pulls out his sword. The rest of the Kingsguard get antsy and pull out their swords too.
Barristan: Oh, there is no need for you all to worry. If I wanted you dead, you'd already be dead. I could whip you all. The rest of you Kingsguard members are all shitty weak sauce. I wouldn't want to serve with a bunch of cowards and pussies who would serve Jaime Fucking Lannister anyway. You can take this stupid sword and melt it into the throne with the others. I bet Stannis will really like the fact that the throne has an additional sword on it when he marches into Kings Landing and deposes this shitty boy.
The former Lord Commander throws the sword at the footsteps of Joffrey's throne and then walks out, his footsteps echoing through the hall. Everyone else is silent but nobody does anything. They don't want to get that Stone Cold Stunner like Littlefinger got.
Mandy Moore: Oh man, that was super embarrassing for Ser Barristan. I can't imagine a Kingsguard such as myself being treated in such a shameful manner.
With Barristan safely gone and out of hearing distance, Joffrey then does what he always does - act tough and strong when there is nobody around to actually challenge him.
Joffrey: Who is he calling "boy?" I'm the king! I want that man arrested!
Janos Slynt: My men will have it done, your Grace.
Littlefinger slowly picks himself up, feeling for internal bleeding.
Littlefinger: Good luck with that. I'm sure Selmy will kill, like, everyone you send against him.
Joffrey: And with Selmy dismissed, we have a vacancy on the Kingsguard. Do we have any volunteers?
Everyone in the room except for Sandor Clegane takes one step backwards.
Joffey: Ah, Hound! Thank you very much!
Hound: What?! Ah, SHIT! Look, I ain't taking none of that knight "oath" shit and swearing to the seven gods.
Ser Boros Blount, of the Kingsguard: No! You have to, Hound. Members of the Kingsguard are ALWAYS anointed knights. Even Mandy Moore. You must have the magical oils rubbed on you and say the incantation. Which really makes becoming a knight sound a lot like becoming part of some 1970s sex cult.
Hound: Nah. Ain't going it. The King seems to be cool with that.
Joffrey: Does anyone else have objections to the order of the King?
Nobody says anything, because that shit they just did to Barristan was cold AF. Even Boros Blount holds his tongue now and doesn't object.
Mandy Moore: Why I think the Hound joining the Kingsguard is great!
Littlefinger: Well said! By the way Mandy Moore, I think I dropped some Candy over there.
Everyone giggles.
Mandy Moore: Huh? What? Where? I don't see it.
Littlefinger: Oh, never mind. I'm mistaken, Mandy Moore. It was In My Pocket the whole time.
People keep giggling.
Mandy Moore: I don't get it. Why is everybody laughing? Who are we laughing at?
Cersei: Oh, don't Cry, Mandy Moore. I know the confusion you must be feeling now is So Real, but Have a Little Faith in Me and everything will be fine.
Now the entire hall bursts into even lounder hooting and hollering. Joffrery cuts an arm on the Iron Throne, banging his fist against it as he can't control himself.
Mandy Moore: I still don't get it. What? What is happening?
Littlefinger: Oh, I was just having a little jest with you, Mandy Moore. Can We Still Be Friends?
Mandy Moore: Sure, I can only hope. I mean why not?
Hound: HAHAHA, OH SHIT! Did you hear that? He said ONLY HOPE!
Now even Sansa starts laughing. She thought it was kind of mean, everyone picking on him. But now it's getting beyond crazy.
Cersei wipes the tears from her eyes and hushes the courtroom.
Cersei: Okay, well that was fun. Do we have any more business for the day? Our new King is quite tired.
Sansa is torn. She really, really, REALLY wants to say something but she's afraid what might happen if she does. Still, as it looks like Cersei is about to end the whole thing, she finally and meekly speaks.
Sansa: I would like to have a word with the court, your Grace.
She curtsies, politely.
Joffrey: Oh, my beautiful betrothed Sansa, please come forward to me.
Sansa gets down in front of him and gets on her knees.
Joffrey: What? In front of EVERYONE? Wow... it's good to be the king! Watch these blades though.
Sansa: I BEG FOR THE LIFE OF MY FATHER! PLEASE! PLEASE! DON'T EXECUTE HIM!
Joffrey: Oh. Just that?
Cersei: Silly girl! Your father is a traitor. Are you a traitor too? Why would you want to protect him when you know he conspired against your dear Joffrey.
Varys: Ah, Sansa is but a young girl and does not understand what she is asking.
Joffrey: SHHH! Let my dear Sansa speak.
Sansa: Thank you, my Prince... ah... I mean, your Grace. I do not deny my father's treason. I only beg of you to have mercy. He must have been TRICKED into committing treason by others like Renly. Plus his head wasn't right from all that milk of the poppy he was taking from his leg injury. We was talking crazy talk.
Joffrey: Well, how about this... if Lord Eddard confesses to his crime, then I know he has repented and I will grant mercy. Maybe sent to the Wall or some shit to take up the black.
Sansa: Oh yes, YES! Of course! My father will do so, I just know it! And I also know that you're the honorable type who will hold up your end of the promise!
Ser Mandon Moore: Please, no need to be so formal. My friends like to just call me "Mandy" for short.
What? Really?
Mandy Moore: Absolutely.
King Joffrey and Queen Cersei then arrive, to much pomp and circumstance. Joffrey climbs up and sits on the Iron Throne.
Joffrey: It is the king's duty to punish those disloyal to him. Grand Maester Pycelle, please read the ROLL OF SHAME .
Pycelle: Okay, well, I could just read this entire ROLL OF SHAME that names a bunch of lords that need to show up and bend the knee to you, your Grace. But really the point we're getting at here is Stannis, Renly, and the Starks. Which Starks? All of them.
Joffrey: Even Rickon!
Pycelle: Indeed. And now that the ROLL OF SHAME is read, I will now move on to read the King's next decree. In place of the traitor Ned Stark, the new Hand of the King is to be... drumroll please...
The court starts a drumroll on their thighs.
Pycelle: --TYWIN LANNISTER!
Absolutely nobody is surprised, but a couple of people fake it.
Pycelle: And next, the King decrees that his mommy, Cersei, will sit in place of the traitor Stannis Baratheon on his Small Council. Also, Ser Janos Slynt will be on the Small Council and we elevate him to the title of Lord of Harrenhal. He and his descendants shall have all the ancient lands of the seat of Harren from now until the end of time OR until Chapter 8 of the next book. Whichever comes first.
This time, people around the court really are surprised. Janos was a commoner with no royal blood or rank. In fact, he's the son of a BUTCHER!!!! Hey look, nobody is hating on butchers here. But to now suddenly be elevated to Lord of Harrenhal (the largest castle in the seven kingdoms) is CRAZY! Everybody knows why... it's because he helped betray Ned Stark to Littlefinger and Cersei.
Pycelle: And last, I decree that the protection of the King is of the utmost importance, given these troubling and dangerous times of war and traitors.
Cersei: Yes, and on that last point, I'd like to make a further announcement. Ser Barristan Selmy... please, step forward.
The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard steps forward in his white cloak, and bends his knee before the King and Queen.
Barristan: Your grace.
Cersei: You have served the crown well for many years, but now is the time to set aside that burden and enjoy retirement. You will see that we have drawn up a standard Severance Agreement on bond paper. Pay close attention to Section 2, the terms of your compensation upon termination. Make sure you are okay with the accrued obligations, equity awards, welfare benefit plans, and your right to elect continuation coverage of insurance benefits, by the extent required by law. In subsection (d) you will find--
Barristan: --I... I'm so confused, my Queen. What is going on? Only death may end the term of a Kingsguard! It is a sacred trust for life. I long ago forsake my ancestral lands that I was supposed to inherent and turned away my fiance because Kingsguard members aren't allowed to marry. And that bitch was HAWT. I have served three kings and--
Littlefinger: --Three dead kings.
Barristan: What does that have to do with anything?
Cersei: Lord Commander Selmy, I am afraid that Littlefinger does have a point. Young King Joffrey is surrounded by traitors and those who would harm him. He needs younger, stronger men around to protect him.
Joffrey: Yeah, good job protecting my dad, OLD MAN. You were supposed to do that out in the woods but you know what? HE DIED.
Cersei: The new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard shall be... *licks lips and touches herself*... JAIME LANNISTER!
Barristan: WHAT THE HELL?! You mean Jaime Lannister whose very name is a disgrace to the Kingsguard because he is the one member of the Kingsguard who ACTUALLY BETRAYED AND MURDERED HIS KING?
Everyone Else in the Room: *shrug*
Varys: Please, please. Calm yourself, Barristan. We mean you know disrespect with this. We all hold you in the highest regard. As a reward for your many years of service, we shall give you a plot of lands in the west with men, gold, servants and, you know... some hookers or something if you want.
Barristan: A giant house to die in and servants to bury me? THE HELL WITH THAT.
Barristan removes his white cloak and throws it on the ground. He then spits towards the king, whips out a pair of Bud Lites, smashes them together to open them up, drinks the foam off of them, throws them to the ground, and gives everyone the Stone Cold Steve Austin double middle finger.
Barristan: I am a knight, and I will die a knight.
Littlefinger: You'll die a naked knight if you keep disrobing.
Everyone laughs. Littlefinger is hilarious.
Barristan gives Littlefinger a Stunner (sitout 3/4 facelock jawbreaker) and then pulls out his sword. The rest of the Kingsguard get antsy and pull out their swords too.
Barristan: Oh, there is no need for you all to worry. If I wanted you dead, you'd already be dead. I could whip you all. The rest of you Kingsguard members are all shitty weak sauce. I wouldn't want to serve with a bunch of cowards and pussies who would serve Jaime Fucking Lannister anyway. You can take this stupid sword and melt it into the throne with the others. I bet Stannis will really like the fact that the throne has an additional sword on it when he marches into Kings Landing and deposes this shitty boy.
The former Lord Commander throws the sword at the footsteps of Joffrey's throne and then walks out, his footsteps echoing through the hall. Everyone else is silent but nobody does anything. They don't want to get that Stone Cold Stunner like Littlefinger got.
Mandy Moore: Oh man, that was super embarrassing for Ser Barristan. I can't imagine a Kingsguard such as myself being treated in such a shameful manner.
With Barristan safely gone and out of hearing distance, Joffrey then does what he always does - act tough and strong when there is nobody around to actually challenge him.
Joffrey: Who is he calling "boy?" I'm the king! I want that man arrested!
Janos Slynt: My men will have it done, your Grace.
Littlefinger slowly picks himself up, feeling for internal bleeding.
Littlefinger: Good luck with that. I'm sure Selmy will kill, like, everyone you send against him.
Joffrey: And with Selmy dismissed, we have a vacancy on the Kingsguard. Do we have any volunteers?
Everyone in the room except for Sandor Clegane takes one step backwards.
Joffey: Ah, Hound! Thank you very much!
Hound: What?! Ah, SHIT! Look, I ain't taking none of that knight "oath" shit and swearing to the seven gods.
Ser Boros Blount, of the Kingsguard: No! You have to, Hound. Members of the Kingsguard are ALWAYS anointed knights. Even Mandy Moore. You must have the magical oils rubbed on you and say the incantation. Which really makes becoming a knight sound a lot like becoming part of some 1970s sex cult.
Hound: Nah. Ain't going it. The King seems to be cool with that.
Joffrey: Does anyone else have objections to the order of the King?
Nobody says anything, because that shit they just did to Barristan was cold AF. Even Boros Blount holds his tongue now and doesn't object.
Mandy Moore: Why I think the Hound joining the Kingsguard is great!
Littlefinger: Well said! By the way Mandy Moore, I think I dropped some Candy over there.
Everyone giggles.
Varys: Watch your step, Mandy Moore. I wouldn't want you to Crush it.
Mandy Moore: Huh? What? Where? I don't see it.
Littlefinger: Oh, never mind. I'm mistaken, Mandy Moore. It was In My Pocket the whole time.
People keep giggling.
Mandy Moore: I don't get it. Why is everybody laughing? Who are we laughing at?
Cersei: Oh, don't Cry, Mandy Moore. I know the confusion you must be feeling now is So Real, but Have a Little Faith in Me and everything will be fine.
Now the entire hall bursts into even lounder hooting and hollering. Joffrery cuts an arm on the Iron Throne, banging his fist against it as he can't control himself.
Mandy Moore: I still don't get it. What? What is happening?
Littlefinger: Oh, I was just having a little jest with you, Mandy Moore. Can We Still Be Friends?
Mandy Moore: Sure, I can only hope. I mean why not?
Hound: HAHAHA, OH SHIT! Did you hear that? He said ONLY HOPE!
Now even Sansa starts laughing. She thought it was kind of mean, everyone picking on him. But now it's getting beyond crazy.
Cersei wipes the tears from her eyes and hushes the courtroom.
Cersei: Okay, well that was fun. Do we have any more business for the day? Our new King is quite tired.
Sansa is torn. She really, really, REALLY wants to say something but she's afraid what might happen if she does. Still, as it looks like Cersei is about to end the whole thing, she finally and meekly speaks.
Sansa: I would like to have a word with the court, your Grace.
She curtsies, politely.
Joffrey: Oh, my beautiful betrothed Sansa, please come forward to me.
Sansa gets down in front of him and gets on her knees.
Joffrey: What? In front of EVERYONE? Wow... it's good to be the king! Watch these blades though.
Sansa: I BEG FOR THE LIFE OF MY FATHER! PLEASE! PLEASE! DON'T EXECUTE HIM!
Joffrey: Oh. Just that?
Cersei: Silly girl! Your father is a traitor. Are you a traitor too? Why would you want to protect him when you know he conspired against your dear Joffrey.
Varys: Ah, Sansa is but a young girl and does not understand what she is asking.
Joffrey: SHHH! Let my dear Sansa speak.
Sansa: Thank you, my Prince... ah... I mean, your Grace. I do not deny my father's treason. I only beg of you to have mercy. He must have been TRICKED into committing treason by others like Renly. Plus his head wasn't right from all that milk of the poppy he was taking from his leg injury. We was talking crazy talk.
Joffrey: Well, how about this... if Lord Eddard confesses to his crime, then I know he has repented and I will grant mercy. Maybe sent to the Wall or some shit to take up the black.
Sansa: Oh yes, YES! Of course! My father will do so, I just know it! And I also know that you're the honorable type who will hold up your end of the promise!
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