The Lannister army has set up a giant picnic table on the side of the Kingsroad. Autumn may have come, but it's still warm enough for a last few barbecues. Besides, some meals would be great before they head off to war.
Tyrion waddles up to the table to take a seat, but everyone else is already there.
Tywin: Son, if you show up to battle as late as you show up to dinner than I'm going to put you in charge of the team that rearranges all the bodies to pose for tastefully-done Matthew Brady war photographs.
Tyrion: Meh.
Ser Addam Marbrand: Sers, word has just arrived that Robb Stark's forces have left the Twins and are only about a day away from us.
Tyrion: Dude, I'm about to have dinner here. Why do you have to remind me that I'm going to be on a bloody battlefield tomorrow? Can't you just let me have this one meal.
Tywin: What's wrong, Tyrion? Scared of a little battle against a teenage boy? A dumb teenage boy who is more brave than he is wise?
Tyrion: The only battle I want to think about now is the battle of my teeth versus that pig roast you got cooking there. Somebody hand me some BBQ sauce.
Leo Lefford: Ha! I hope your 300 clansmen are braver than you, Imp! If not, then I have just wasted a lot of good armor and swords.
Tyrion: Who the fuck are you?
Leo Lefford: I am Leo Lefford, the quartermaster in charge of Tywin's supply vans in the back of the army.
Tyrion: You seem like a pretty minor and useless character. Shut up. I hope you drown at Stone Mill.
Leo Lefford: Oddly specific.
Kevan Lannister: Tyrion, you and your men will fight in the vanguard, since your men are so ferocious.
Tyrion: Oh sweet, the vanguard the back, right? Like... those supply vans that Leo was just talking about? All we have to do is guard those vans?
Kevan: No. The "van" part of "vanguard" is more like "adVANced guard," as in you're in advance of everyone. As in you are the front line of our forces. You know, the expendable people who die first. Technically it's from the medieval French avant-garde, i.e. the ward in front.
Tyrion: What does "French" mean?
Kevan: I have no idea. There is no place on the map called "France," so I'm not quite sure.
Tyrion: Anyway, it's true that my men are ferocious. Why just the other day they were all killing each other, fighting over a sausage.
Tywin: Sounds like a shitty, undisciplined army led by an incompetent, shitty, undisciplined leader. e.g. you.
Tyrion: Thanks, dad.
Tywin: These undisciplined men should not lead the vanguard. Perhaps you should instead guard the supply van in the back where your dipshits can't get into trouble.
Tyrion: SEE? SEE?! SUPPLY VAN! You can't all act like I'm the only one that would be confused that the vanguard isn't the part of the army guarding the vans.
Everyone is totally confused by that. But nobody admits it. They all pretend that they knew all along that "vanguard" meant front.
Tyrion: Besides, I see you trying to take my honor away, father. No thanks. My men will stay at the front and I'll lead them to victory. You'll see.
Tywin: YOU'LL lead them? Hahahaha, who said anything about you leading the vanguard? Kevan said that "you and your men will fight in the vanguard." Ser Gregor Clegane will lead the vanguard.
Tyrion: Ugh. The Mountain? You mean the guy who kills babies by smashing them into walls? You know... now that I look at this gooey, red cranberry sauce on the table and think about the Mountain, I don't have an appetite anymore. If you'll excuse me...
Tyrion walks away from the picnic table to go join his barbarian buddies. By the time he gets there, it's late and the sun has set.
Tyrion: Shagga! Conn! Randy "Macho Man" Savage! How you guys doing?
Shagga: We kill thing and now we cook it. You want to eat it too?
Tyrion: Eh, maybe later. For now I just want to go back to my tent.
Conn: Okay, but Conn have something very important to tell you. Maybe Conn tell you tomorrow. See you after battle!
And so Tyrion goes to his tent. He's a man of action. Outside he finds his good old buddy, Bronn. Along with a new squire he was just given - Podrick Payne.
Podrick Payne: Good to see you again, Ser. Please, have some wine.
He pours some wine for Tyrion. Bronn also gets some more wine because the best thing to do before battle is to get fucked up drunk.
Bronn: No narrator, the best thing to do before battle is to get fucked. Full stop.
Tyrion: Yes, which is why I told you to find me a nice spinner before the battle. So... what you find?
Bronn: Behond... this chick named Shae!
Shae: Hi!
Shae is a slim, drop dead gorgeous brunette and Tyrion nods approvingly.
Tyrion: Okay, everyone get the hell away from my tent now. It's been almost a year since I last got laid. What with me going up to the Wall where there are no women, followed by me getting kidnapped by Cat Stark and her crazy sister and imprisoned by them. I am about to tear this girl up.
So Tyrion and Shae go into the tent alone and everyone else buggers off.
Tyrion: Now, just to set some ground rules for this relationship, Shae... you need to screw me, serve me, and also be in a monogamous relationship with me. You can't do any other guys while you're with me. I know you're a ho, but now you're my ho. Also, we need a safe word...
Shae: Oh, I don't do safe words.
Tyrion: Hrm. You know what... you actually sound perfect.
And so they get to business. Who knows if Shae feels anything at all, but she's screaming like she does. Tyrion can't tell if she's faking it... but then again she's a prostitute and that's what she's supposed to do.
Shae: OH! OH YES! OH YES, MY GIANT! OH!
Tyrion: Okay, enough with the "giant" stuff. I think you're just being sarcastic now.
Shae: Over the top? Okay, I'll dial it down a notch.
She doesn't.
Tyrion finishes, rolls over and smokes a Newport. Don't ask me why he has Newports. Maybe he has a black friend or something.
Tyrion: RACIST.
Sorry.
Shae falls asleep not long after and Tyrion sneaks out to go find his buddy Bronn. Everyone needs a high five after sex.
Tyrion: Dude...where did you find that girl? That was some high class escort kind of stuff there.
Bronn: Stole her from Eliot Spitzer.
Tyrion: Oh wow... is anyone going to even get Eliot Spitzer jokes? That was years ago.
Bronn: Doesn't matter. The point is, all the good looking girls were already taken... so I had to take an already taken girl. It might make you a new enemy, but hey... I'm here to protect you, right?
Tyrion: You better be protecting me. If I survive this battle tomorrow, you can name your reward!
Bronn: Oh shit, can I be king?
Tyrion: Well no, not ANY reward. You need to be a little more practical. I'm not a genie.
Bronn: Don't worry, you probably won't die.
Tyrion: Uhh... didn't you hear? Tywin is putting us in the vanguard.
Bronn: See, that term confuses me. Because we have all those supply vans in the back. So you'd think the vanguard would be in the back, guarding the vans. But no. The vanguard is in the FRONT, leading the battle.
Tyrion: I KNOW, RIGHT? I WAS JUST SAYING THAT!
Bronn: Anyway, if you're in the vanguard... tough shit. You're going to die. Make sure to write a letter to your mother, telling her you love her.
Tyrion: My mother died in childbirth... my birth.
Bronn: Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry, man. Seriously. I was just fucking with you. Really though... a tiny man with a big shield... I bet you'll give those Stark archers fits! You'll probably be okay!
Tyrion: You think?
Bronn: Sure, why not? Although just in case, you might want to make sure your will is up to date. Since you don't have kids, I guess you could make me your beneficiary.
Tyrion goes back to the tent and bangs Shae some more.
The next morning, before even dawn, the battle horns sound.
Tyrion: WHAT THE HELL?
The tent opens and Bronn comes in.
Bronn: Dude! The Starks marched all night long and they're on us! We need to get our asses out there... NOW!
Podrick shows up and helps Tyrion throw on some ill-fitting armor. He's got some custom-fitted stuff back at home... but it, of course, isn't out here in the middle of a battlefield.
Tyrion: Shae... will you weep for me if I die?
Shae: How will you know if I do or not? You'll be dead.
Tyrion: Good point.
Tyrion gets up on his horse and is handed his axe. They start to ride into battle.
Tyrion: Do we really have to narrate a giant battle scene now? Like talking about specific tactical moves made by Tywin in charge of the armored knights and Kevan in charge of the center? Stuff about being ordered to hold the left of the river? All kinds of stuff about what houses I see holding flags in battle and the state of the armies? Sub-plots about feigned routs? Can't we just do like the TV show and have me get bonked on the head to wake up to the battle already being over?
Well, the TV show just did that because in Season 1 they didn't have any money to film a big battle scene.
Tyrion: True, but are people going to actually care about lines and lines of battle in italics?
I suppose not. Tyrion gets bonked on the head and wakes up. The battle is over.
Tyrion: See? Wasn't that bette--OH SHIT, half of my clansmen are dead, including Conn and Ulf! Conn will never be able to tell me that super important thing now!
Randy Savage: BUT NOT THE MACHO MAN! THE MACHO MAN STILL LIVES!
Tywin: Ah, Tyrion. I see you are injured. You should be proud. Your men fought well. Which actually sucked and hurt my plans a little bit.
Tyrion: WHAT?!
Tywin: Yes, your men were supposed to be so shitty that Robb Stark's army would spot it and immediately charge all their forces there. But it would be a trap and the rest of my army would come up and route them. Alas, this Stark boy was too cautious. Oh well, we still won anyway. Although not as decisive a victory as I would have hoped.
Tyrion: You mean my clansmen were just BAIT? Uhh... you could have told us that.
Tywin: No, no. It's better you didn't know. More realistic that way, ya know?
Tyrion: Fuck you, dad.
Ser Addam Marbrand then rides up.
Addam: Uhh, Lord Lannister. I've got some good news and some bad news.
Tywin: Well, since we won I'm sure the bad news can't be THAT bad. But how about we go with the good news first anyway?
Addam: We have captured Lord Cerwyn, Ser Wylis Manderly, Harrion Karstark, and four Freys. Lord Halys Hornwood was killed.
Tywin: Hahaha, awesome! Okay, now the bad news.
Addam: Lord Roose Bolton has escaped, and--
Tywin: --Ah, that's not THAT bad. He put up a good fight and retreated when he--
Addam: --No, let me finish, Ser. Also, Robb Stark wasn't here. At all.
Tywin: Say what now?
Addam: Apparently they split their forces. Robb crossed with most of his horses at the Twins and is riding hard for Riverrun and Jaime's army. We just got word.
Tywin: WHAT THE HELL?!
Tyrion: Hahaha, oh man, dad. You should see the look on your face! Priceless! And you were talking all sorts of shit about Robb Stark being more brave than wise. Who really just got lured into a trap? YOU, BITCH!
Tyrion waddles up to the table to take a seat, but everyone else is already there.
Tywin: Son, if you show up to battle as late as you show up to dinner than I'm going to put you in charge of the team that rearranges all the bodies to pose for tastefully-done Matthew Brady war photographs.
Tyrion: Meh.
Ser Addam Marbrand: Sers, word has just arrived that Robb Stark's forces have left the Twins and are only about a day away from us.
Tyrion: Dude, I'm about to have dinner here. Why do you have to remind me that I'm going to be on a bloody battlefield tomorrow? Can't you just let me have this one meal.
Tywin: What's wrong, Tyrion? Scared of a little battle against a teenage boy? A dumb teenage boy who is more brave than he is wise?
Tyrion: The only battle I want to think about now is the battle of my teeth versus that pig roast you got cooking there. Somebody hand me some BBQ sauce.
Leo Lefford: Ha! I hope your 300 clansmen are braver than you, Imp! If not, then I have just wasted a lot of good armor and swords.
Tyrion: Who the fuck are you?
Leo Lefford: I am Leo Lefford, the quartermaster in charge of Tywin's supply vans in the back of the army.
Tyrion: You seem like a pretty minor and useless character. Shut up. I hope you drown at Stone Mill.
Leo Lefford: Oddly specific.
Kevan Lannister: Tyrion, you and your men will fight in the vanguard, since your men are so ferocious.
Tyrion: Oh sweet, the vanguard the back, right? Like... those supply vans that Leo was just talking about? All we have to do is guard those vans?
Kevan: No. The "van" part of "vanguard" is more like "adVANced guard," as in you're in advance of everyone. As in you are the front line of our forces. You know, the expendable people who die first. Technically it's from the medieval French avant-garde, i.e. the ward in front.
Tyrion: What does "French" mean?
Kevan: I have no idea. There is no place on the map called "France," so I'm not quite sure.
Tyrion: Anyway, it's true that my men are ferocious. Why just the other day they were all killing each other, fighting over a sausage.
Tywin: Sounds like a shitty, undisciplined army led by an incompetent, shitty, undisciplined leader. e.g. you.
Tyrion: Thanks, dad.
Tywin: These undisciplined men should not lead the vanguard. Perhaps you should instead guard the supply van in the back where your dipshits can't get into trouble.
Tyrion: SEE? SEE?! SUPPLY VAN! You can't all act like I'm the only one that would be confused that the vanguard isn't the part of the army guarding the vans.
Everyone is totally confused by that. But nobody admits it. They all pretend that they knew all along that "vanguard" meant front.
Tyrion: Besides, I see you trying to take my honor away, father. No thanks. My men will stay at the front and I'll lead them to victory. You'll see.
Tywin: YOU'LL lead them? Hahahaha, who said anything about you leading the vanguard? Kevan said that "you and your men will fight in the vanguard." Ser Gregor Clegane will lead the vanguard.
Tyrion: Ugh. The Mountain? You mean the guy who kills babies by smashing them into walls? You know... now that I look at this gooey, red cranberry sauce on the table and think about the Mountain, I don't have an appetite anymore. If you'll excuse me...
Tyrion walks away from the picnic table to go join his barbarian buddies. By the time he gets there, it's late and the sun has set.
Tyrion: Shagga! Conn! Randy "Macho Man" Savage! How you guys doing?
Shagga: We kill thing and now we cook it. You want to eat it too?
Tyrion: Eh, maybe later. For now I just want to go back to my tent.
Conn: Okay, but Conn have something very important to tell you. Maybe Conn tell you tomorrow. See you after battle!
And so Tyrion goes to his tent. He's a man of action. Outside he finds his good old buddy, Bronn. Along with a new squire he was just given - Podrick Payne.
Podrick Payne: Good to see you again, Ser. Please, have some wine.
He pours some wine for Tyrion. Bronn also gets some more wine because the best thing to do before battle is to get fucked up drunk.
Bronn: No narrator, the best thing to do before battle is to get fucked. Full stop.
Tyrion: Yes, which is why I told you to find me a nice spinner before the battle. So... what you find?
Bronn: Behond... this chick named Shae!
Shae: Hi!
Shae is a slim, drop dead gorgeous brunette and Tyrion nods approvingly.
Tyrion: Okay, everyone get the hell away from my tent now. It's been almost a year since I last got laid. What with me going up to the Wall where there are no women, followed by me getting kidnapped by Cat Stark and her crazy sister and imprisoned by them. I am about to tear this girl up.
So Tyrion and Shae go into the tent alone and everyone else buggers off.
Tyrion: Now, just to set some ground rules for this relationship, Shae... you need to screw me, serve me, and also be in a monogamous relationship with me. You can't do any other guys while you're with me. I know you're a ho, but now you're my ho. Also, we need a safe word...
Shae: Oh, I don't do safe words.
Tyrion: Hrm. You know what... you actually sound perfect.
And so they get to business. Who knows if Shae feels anything at all, but she's screaming like she does. Tyrion can't tell if she's faking it... but then again she's a prostitute and that's what she's supposed to do.
Shae: OH! OH YES! OH YES, MY GIANT! OH!
Tyrion: Okay, enough with the "giant" stuff. I think you're just being sarcastic now.
Shae: Over the top? Okay, I'll dial it down a notch.
She doesn't.
Tyrion finishes, rolls over and smokes a Newport. Don't ask me why he has Newports. Maybe he has a black friend or something.
Tyrion: RACIST.
Sorry.
Shae falls asleep not long after and Tyrion sneaks out to go find his buddy Bronn. Everyone needs a high five after sex.
Tyrion: Dude...where did you find that girl? That was some high class escort kind of stuff there.
Bronn: Stole her from Eliot Spitzer.
Tyrion: Oh wow... is anyone going to even get Eliot Spitzer jokes? That was years ago.
Bronn: Doesn't matter. The point is, all the good looking girls were already taken... so I had to take an already taken girl. It might make you a new enemy, but hey... I'm here to protect you, right?
Tyrion: You better be protecting me. If I survive this battle tomorrow, you can name your reward!
Bronn: Oh shit, can I be king?
Tyrion: Well no, not ANY reward. You need to be a little more practical. I'm not a genie.
Bronn: Don't worry, you probably won't die.
Tyrion: Uhh... didn't you hear? Tywin is putting us in the vanguard.
Bronn: See, that term confuses me. Because we have all those supply vans in the back. So you'd think the vanguard would be in the back, guarding the vans. But no. The vanguard is in the FRONT, leading the battle.
Tyrion: I KNOW, RIGHT? I WAS JUST SAYING THAT!
Bronn: Anyway, if you're in the vanguard... tough shit. You're going to die. Make sure to write a letter to your mother, telling her you love her.
Tyrion: My mother died in childbirth... my birth.
Bronn: Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry, man. Seriously. I was just fucking with you. Really though... a tiny man with a big shield... I bet you'll give those Stark archers fits! You'll probably be okay!
Tyrion: You think?
Bronn: Sure, why not? Although just in case, you might want to make sure your will is up to date. Since you don't have kids, I guess you could make me your beneficiary.
Tyrion goes back to the tent and bangs Shae some more.
The next morning, before even dawn, the battle horns sound.
Tyrion: WHAT THE HELL?
The tent opens and Bronn comes in.
Bronn: Dude! The Starks marched all night long and they're on us! We need to get our asses out there... NOW!
Podrick shows up and helps Tyrion throw on some ill-fitting armor. He's got some custom-fitted stuff back at home... but it, of course, isn't out here in the middle of a battlefield.
Tyrion: Shae... will you weep for me if I die?
Shae: How will you know if I do or not? You'll be dead.
Tyrion: Good point.
Tyrion gets up on his horse and is handed his axe. They start to ride into battle.
Tyrion: Do we really have to narrate a giant battle scene now? Like talking about specific tactical moves made by Tywin in charge of the armored knights and Kevan in charge of the center? Stuff about being ordered to hold the left of the river? All kinds of stuff about what houses I see holding flags in battle and the state of the armies? Sub-plots about feigned routs? Can't we just do like the TV show and have me get bonked on the head to wake up to the battle already being over?
Well, the TV show just did that because in Season 1 they didn't have any money to film a big battle scene.
Tyrion: True, but are people going to actually care about lines and lines of battle in italics?
I suppose not. Tyrion gets bonked on the head and wakes up. The battle is over.
Tyrion: See? Wasn't that bette--OH SHIT, half of my clansmen are dead, including Conn and Ulf! Conn will never be able to tell me that super important thing now!
Randy Savage: BUT NOT THE MACHO MAN! THE MACHO MAN STILL LIVES!
Tywin: Ah, Tyrion. I see you are injured. You should be proud. Your men fought well. Which actually sucked and hurt my plans a little bit.
Tyrion: WHAT?!
Tywin: Yes, your men were supposed to be so shitty that Robb Stark's army would spot it and immediately charge all their forces there. But it would be a trap and the rest of my army would come up and route them. Alas, this Stark boy was too cautious. Oh well, we still won anyway. Although not as decisive a victory as I would have hoped.
Tyrion: You mean my clansmen were just BAIT? Uhh... you could have told us that.
Tywin: No, no. It's better you didn't know. More realistic that way, ya know?
Tyrion: Fuck you, dad.
Ser Addam Marbrand then rides up.
Addam: Uhh, Lord Lannister. I've got some good news and some bad news.
Tywin: Well, since we won I'm sure the bad news can't be THAT bad. But how about we go with the good news first anyway?
Addam: We have captured Lord Cerwyn, Ser Wylis Manderly, Harrion Karstark, and four Freys. Lord Halys Hornwood was killed.
Tywin: Hahaha, awesome! Okay, now the bad news.
Addam: Lord Roose Bolton has escaped, and--
Tywin: --Ah, that's not THAT bad. He put up a good fight and retreated when he--
Addam: --No, let me finish, Ser. Also, Robb Stark wasn't here. At all.
Tywin: Say what now?
Addam: Apparently they split their forces. Robb crossed with most of his horses at the Twins and is riding hard for Riverrun and Jaime's army. We just got word.
Tywin: WHAT THE HELL?!
Tyrion: Hahaha, oh man, dad. You should see the look on your face! Priceless! And you were talking all sorts of shit about Robb Stark being more brave than wise. Who really just got lured into a trap? YOU, BITCH!
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