Ned sits in a urine-soaked dungeon beneath the Red Keep. There is no light. Only pee and straw.
Ned: Well, if I'm going to be in isolation all by myself I might as well have an entire chapter that is just thinking and flashbacks. It will be an interesting chapter, you know? Mix things up again. I can go back to my more standard chapters later since I know I'll have many, many more of them. After all, I am the main character!
Ned thinks about how deep these dungeons must be. They were installed by a long ago king, Maegor the Cruel. Supposedly the architects who built the Keep were all killed after it was completed so that its secrets would never be known.
Ned thinks back to Cersei's "Game of Thrones" quote. He hopes that those characters from Pee Wee don't do that whole "Secret Word" thing again just because he thought about it. They never appear, so that's good. Still, he's depressed about being locked up. He wants to cry but he doesn't. Starks ain't no bitches.
Ned thinks about how much his damn leg hurts. It's his own fault for being so foolish. Still, he hopes that he will be rescued. Surely Stannis and Renly will laugh war against King's Landings. And Cat and the Tullys (and maybe the Vale) will probably march from the down too to help out.
Ned thinks about Robert and himself when they were younger. How did Robert ever wind up being so fucked up and terrible a king when he was once such a great warrior? Now the fat shit is dead... killed by a pig. Ned knows he should have told Robert the truth about Cersei. Why didn't he? Another mistake.
A jailer shows up to give him some water. Ned asks for news but is ignored.
Ned thinks back to the Tourney at Harrenhal... back when he was 18 years old. FLASHBACK TIME!
Ned wakens from his flashback.
Ned: DAMNIT! Why do I keep dreaming about that?
It's another day now. Ned has been having these crazy dreams and been given water, with no food, for several days. He can't keep of track since there is no light. Time is meaningless to him. Many days ago (perhaps) he stopped asking for news from the jailer.
And yet today, a new jailer arrives with a familiar voice.
Jailer: Hi there, I'm somebody that you don't know at all. Yep, just some random person.
Ned: You're Varys.
Varys: Oh shit, that fake voice wasn't that effective.
Ned: Nope. So am I hallucinating again, or am I actually talking to someone real?
Varys: If you were hallucinating someone you wanted to see... then why would you hallucinate me?
Ned: Hrm, good point. So why are you here, Captain No Balls?
Varys: I come to bring you news. Arya has escaped. No one has been able to find her. Sansa is well, but kept prisoner by Cersei's men. She pleaded for your life. You should have seen it. She is quite a brave young thing.
Ned: Cersei will not kill me. Not while my wife holds her brother, the Imp!
Varys: Yeah, not so much anymore. She let him slip out of her hands. He's probably dead now anyway. My birds tell me he was sent off with a sellsword to travel the roads infested by the Moon Clans. Nobody could survive that!
Ned: I don't know why you come in here and tell me all this stuff like you're "on my side." You did nothing when my soldiers were slaughtered.
Varys: What could I do? Fight the Lannister soldiers myself? I play my part. It is better that I am an informant than a cowardly soldier.
Ned: So you gonna free me then or what?
Varys: Of course not. If I did... then I'd be a prime suspect.
Ned: Will you at least send a message for me then?
Varys: Depends what the message is. And if it serves my purposes.
Ned: Fuck, you really are a political realist, huh? So what is your "purpose?"
Varys: My purpose is what it always has been... PEACE! Peace for the realm. I struggled to protect King Robert from his enemies for fifteen years. And now I have failed to protect him from his own "friends." Tell me, what madness inspired you to try to tell the Queen you knew about her "secret?"
Ned: Oh fuck... it's obviously not that much of a secret. You, Littlefinger, Jon Arryn, and every fucking one else seem to know about it already. Anyway... it was a madness called "mercy." You see, I was going to tell the King. So I warned the King. Surely Robert would have killed her and the children. Her? I don't give a fuck about. But those children are innocent.
Varys: Ah, I see. I forget that there are honest men in the world because they are so few. And now that I see what happens to honest people like you... I know why.
Ned: So was Robert murdered by Cersei? Was Lancel Lannister given orders?
Varys: Lancel was told that the wine was the King's favorite and to give it to him as much as he wanted. If it wasn't the boar that killed Robert... it would have been something else sooner or later. Probably sooner. She needed him out of the way to deal with Stannis and Renly. You should have taken up Littlefinger on his plan to support Cersei.
Ned: SHIT! You know about THAT TOO? Is the Tower of the Hand bugged or something? How does everyone in this place know about all of my shit? Man, I should have fucking never taken this job.
Varys: One last bit of news for you, Ned. The Queen plans to visit you tomorrow. Does she fear you? Yes. But she fears other men more. Men with armies who come marching her way. Stannis will kill her and her children just as Robert would have. She is willing to make a deal. A tame wolf is worth more to her than a dead one. Admit your treason. Bend the knee to Joffrey. Order your sob Robb to put down his swords and return home. Denounce Stannis and Renly as usurpers. Carry Cersei's secret to the grave. Then you will be pardoned and allowed to take up the black and serve in the Knight's Watch for the rest of your days.
Ned: Oh wow! My nephew, Jon Snow, is up on the Wall! We could totally hang out. I promised to tell him about his mother and I still need to do that.
Varys: Wait... did you say nephew? I thought he was your bastard son.
Ned: SON! YES! I SAID SON!
Varys: I'm pretty sure you said, "nephew."
Ned: NO. I said "son." I very distinctly remember that. You must have something wrong with your ears. Anyway, it would be cool to see him again... but my answer is NO. My honor is more important to me than my life. I won't lie and say Joffrey is King. He's a little incest baby. That's exactly the same shitty thing that Littlefinger told me to do. You're obviously Littlefinger's bitch.
Varys: Littlefinger's bitch? Oh no, Ned. I give Littlefinger enough information to make him THINK I am loyal to him. Just like I give the Queen enough information to make her THINK I am loyal to her.
Ned: Then who do you REALLY serve?
Varys: Why, I serve the realm!
Ned: That's such a bullshit answer.
Varys: Still, you must make your choice. And remember when you try to balance your honor and your life that it is not only YOUR life that hangs in the balance. Your daughter Sansa is held by the Queen!
Ned: Don't bring my daughter into this!
Varys: Too late. She's already in this. The next time someone comes to visit you they can bring you food, water and milk of the poppy for the pain. Or they can bring you Sansa's head. The choice is yours.
A chorus of everyone in the universe cheers for Ned to pick the "Sansa's head" thing. Because Sansa is the worst.
Ned: Odd. Did you hear something?
Varys: Probably just in your head since you're going crazy down here in the dungeon alone. But tell me this, Ned. Why is it always the innocents who suffer most, when you high lords play your game of thrones? Ponder it, if you would, while you wait upon--
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Ned: Oh, not this shit again.
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the darkness of the dungeon.
Ned: Well, if I'm going to be in isolation all by myself I might as well have an entire chapter that is just thinking and flashbacks. It will be an interesting chapter, you know? Mix things up again. I can go back to my more standard chapters later since I know I'll have many, many more of them. After all, I am the main character!
Ned thinks about how deep these dungeons must be. They were installed by a long ago king, Maegor the Cruel. Supposedly the architects who built the Keep were all killed after it was completed so that its secrets would never be known.
Ned thinks back to Cersei's "Game of Thrones" quote. He hopes that those characters from Pee Wee don't do that whole "Secret Word" thing again just because he thought about it. They never appear, so that's good. Still, he's depressed about being locked up. He wants to cry but he doesn't. Starks ain't no bitches.
Ned thinks about how much his damn leg hurts. It's his own fault for being so foolish. Still, he hopes that he will be rescued. Surely Stannis and Renly will laugh war against King's Landings. And Cat and the Tullys (and maybe the Vale) will probably march from the down too to help out.
Ned thinks about Robert and himself when they were younger. How did Robert ever wind up being so fucked up and terrible a king when he was once such a great warrior? Now the fat shit is dead... killed by a pig. Ned knows he should have told Robert the truth about Cersei. Why didn't he? Another mistake.
A jailer shows up to give him some water. Ned asks for news but is ignored.
Ned thinks back to the Tourney at Harrenhal... back when he was 18 years old. FLASHBACK TIME!
281 AC, the Year of the False Spring...
Ned is in attendance, watching the Tourney. It's the final round.
Mike Tirico: Well fans, the Tournament is down to its last two competitors, Prince Rhaegar Targaryen and Barristan Selmy of the Kingsguard. This is going to be a great last joust!
Shaq: Icy Hot!
Rhaegar and Barristan charge at one another. Their lances are ready and steady. One shall stand... one shall fall.
*BAM*
Rhaegar delivers an awesome hit on Selmy.
Mike Tirico: SELMY IS DOWN! SELMY IS DOWN! There you have it fans, Prince Rhaegar Targaryen is the champion of the Tournament of Harrenhal! And as everyone knows, the winner of the tournament is given a laurel made of beautiful, blue winter roses to hand to one lovely lady in the audience. Doing so declares that lady as the "Queen of Beauty." And it's pretty obvious that Rhaegar is going to give that laurel to his wife, Princess Elia Martell!
Rhaegar rides up to the front row of the audience, bringing the laurel out. As he approaches his wife, she holds her hand out, smiling. But then Rhargar's horse trots right past her.
Elia: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Ned is sitting there too and can't believe it. Next to him is his sister, Lyanna. Rhaegar hands the laurel to Lyanna and winks.
Mike Tirico: I can't believe this! The whole crowd has gone silent! You could hear a copper halfgroat drop! Rhaegar has declared Lyanna Stark, rather than his own wife, the Queen of Beauty. Incredible!
Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.
Mike Tirico: Hrm, a good point, Shaq. The House Targaryen is represented by fiery dragons, and the House Stark generally associated with the cold snows of winter.
But then Ned's flashback takes a sudden twist. He reaches for the laurel and grabs it. The throns cut his hands and there is blood. Blood everywhere! Suddenly Ned is back in the Tower of Joy.
Lyanna Stark: Promise me, Ned. Promise me!
Ned wakens from his flashback.
Ned: DAMNIT! Why do I keep dreaming about that?
It's another day now. Ned has been having these crazy dreams and been given water, with no food, for several days. He can't keep of track since there is no light. Time is meaningless to him. Many days ago (perhaps) he stopped asking for news from the jailer.
And yet today, a new jailer arrives with a familiar voice.
Jailer: Hi there, I'm somebody that you don't know at all. Yep, just some random person.
Ned: You're Varys.
Varys: Oh shit, that fake voice wasn't that effective.
Ned: Nope. So am I hallucinating again, or am I actually talking to someone real?
Varys: If you were hallucinating someone you wanted to see... then why would you hallucinate me?
Ned: Hrm, good point. So why are you here, Captain No Balls?
Varys: I come to bring you news. Arya has escaped. No one has been able to find her. Sansa is well, but kept prisoner by Cersei's men. She pleaded for your life. You should have seen it. She is quite a brave young thing.
Ned: Cersei will not kill me. Not while my wife holds her brother, the Imp!
Varys: Yeah, not so much anymore. She let him slip out of her hands. He's probably dead now anyway. My birds tell me he was sent off with a sellsword to travel the roads infested by the Moon Clans. Nobody could survive that!
Ned: I don't know why you come in here and tell me all this stuff like you're "on my side." You did nothing when my soldiers were slaughtered.
Varys: What could I do? Fight the Lannister soldiers myself? I play my part. It is better that I am an informant than a cowardly soldier.
Ned: So you gonna free me then or what?
Varys: Of course not. If I did... then I'd be a prime suspect.
Ned: Will you at least send a message for me then?
Varys: Depends what the message is. And if it serves my purposes.
Ned: Fuck, you really are a political realist, huh? So what is your "purpose?"
Varys: My purpose is what it always has been... PEACE! Peace for the realm. I struggled to protect King Robert from his enemies for fifteen years. And now I have failed to protect him from his own "friends." Tell me, what madness inspired you to try to tell the Queen you knew about her "secret?"
Ned: Oh fuck... it's obviously not that much of a secret. You, Littlefinger, Jon Arryn, and every fucking one else seem to know about it already. Anyway... it was a madness called "mercy." You see, I was going to tell the King. So I warned the King. Surely Robert would have killed her and the children. Her? I don't give a fuck about. But those children are innocent.
Varys: Ah, I see. I forget that there are honest men in the world because they are so few. And now that I see what happens to honest people like you... I know why.
Ned: So was Robert murdered by Cersei? Was Lancel Lannister given orders?
Varys: Lancel was told that the wine was the King's favorite and to give it to him as much as he wanted. If it wasn't the boar that killed Robert... it would have been something else sooner or later. Probably sooner. She needed him out of the way to deal with Stannis and Renly. You should have taken up Littlefinger on his plan to support Cersei.
Ned: SHIT! You know about THAT TOO? Is the Tower of the Hand bugged or something? How does everyone in this place know about all of my shit? Man, I should have fucking never taken this job.
Varys: One last bit of news for you, Ned. The Queen plans to visit you tomorrow. Does she fear you? Yes. But she fears other men more. Men with armies who come marching her way. Stannis will kill her and her children just as Robert would have. She is willing to make a deal. A tame wolf is worth more to her than a dead one. Admit your treason. Bend the knee to Joffrey. Order your sob Robb to put down his swords and return home. Denounce Stannis and Renly as usurpers. Carry Cersei's secret to the grave. Then you will be pardoned and allowed to take up the black and serve in the Knight's Watch for the rest of your days.
Ned: Oh wow! My nephew, Jon Snow, is up on the Wall! We could totally hang out. I promised to tell him about his mother and I still need to do that.
Varys: Wait... did you say nephew? I thought he was your bastard son.
Ned: SON! YES! I SAID SON!
Varys: I'm pretty sure you said, "nephew."
Ned: NO. I said "son." I very distinctly remember that. You must have something wrong with your ears. Anyway, it would be cool to see him again... but my answer is NO. My honor is more important to me than my life. I won't lie and say Joffrey is King. He's a little incest baby. That's exactly the same shitty thing that Littlefinger told me to do. You're obviously Littlefinger's bitch.
Varys: Littlefinger's bitch? Oh no, Ned. I give Littlefinger enough information to make him THINK I am loyal to him. Just like I give the Queen enough information to make her THINK I am loyal to her.
Ned: Then who do you REALLY serve?
Varys: Why, I serve the realm!
Ned: That's such a bullshit answer.
Varys: Still, you must make your choice. And remember when you try to balance your honor and your life that it is not only YOUR life that hangs in the balance. Your daughter Sansa is held by the Queen!
Ned: Don't bring my daughter into this!
Varys: Too late. She's already in this. The next time someone comes to visit you they can bring you food, water and milk of the poppy for the pain. Or they can bring you Sansa's head. The choice is yours.
A chorus of everyone in the universe cheers for Ned to pick the "Sansa's head" thing. Because Sansa is the worst.
Ned: Odd. Did you hear something?
Varys: Probably just in your head since you're going crazy down here in the dungeon alone. But tell me this, Ned. Why is it always the innocents who suffer most, when you high lords play your game of thrones? Ponder it, if you would, while you wait upon--
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Ned: Oh, not this shit again.
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the darkness of the dungeon.
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