So Sansa is back in her room, cradled like a baby under her blankets, crying, and shaking back and forth with a serious case of PTSD. After all, she just saw her daddy get beheaded in front of her.
But does Sansa use this time to be reflective about how her own actions caused this? About how she was the one that ratted on her dad to Cersei and essentially got him killed? No. Of course not. She's thinking about herself. She's thinking about what will happen if SHE gets beheaded next. About how they'll write songs about her and how she'll be a tragic heroin sung about by musicians hundreds of years from now. Yes. That's right. All Sansa can think about after her father dying is how LEGENDARY SHE IS GOING TO BE.
The door to her room opens and her "beloved" Joffrey comes in with the Hound, Meryn Trant, and Arys Oakheart.
Joffrey: Bitch, get out of bed. You need to attend to me at court this evening!
Sansa: LEAVE ME BE!
Joffrey: Get out of bed or I'll have my Hound take you out of bed.
Hound: I suggest you listen to him.
And so Sansa slowly gets out of bed, struggling with the blankets. I'll also note that for some reason here, GRRM also wants to point out just how little clothes Sansa is wearing and how they are see-through. And remember Sansa's age here, people. Gross.
Sansa: Okay. I'm out of bed. I did what you asked. Now leave me alone! I just want to go home!
Joffrey: Oh no. You're not going home. You're staying here with me. We're still getting married.
Sansa: WHAT?! You just killed my father and you still want to marry me? That is super messed up.
Joffrey: I was merciful to your father! I could have given him a slow, painful death. Instead it was one quick sling of the blade.
Sansa: I hate you!
Joffrey: I would not say such things if I were you! Still, my mother told me that it's not right to beat my wife. Although I guess she never said that I couldn't order other people to beat you for me. So I guess I found a little "loophole." Meryn!
Meryn steps forward and starts beating the shit out of Sansa. Which leaves me torn because I'm really glad Sansa is getting beaten but I also don't want to side with team Joffrey.
Sansa picks herself off the floor, with blood on her ear.
Joffrey: So will I see you at court later?
Sansa: Y-y-yes.
Joffrey: Good. Joffrey out!
They leave. Everyone except for the Hound, who just stays there.
Sansa: Okay you burnt-faced creeper. What do you want?
Hound: You need to do what Joffrey wants. Smile for him. Laugh at his shitty jokes. Tell him that his ant colony is super cool and doesn't at all make him a loser. Don't call him an asshole when he gets pissy and then kills every ant in his ant collection with a magnifying glass. Tell him his acoustic guitar skills don't suck even though everyone knows they do.
The Hound leaves and soon two servant ladies then timidly enter the room. They help to bathe Sansa and put makeup on her wound. Sansa is surprised by how dirty the water gets when they clean her. But then again she shouldn't be because she hasn't bathed since her father was executed several days ago. She stank.
To go to court, she selects the same dress she wore at the Tourney of the Hand in the hopes Joffrey will remember a time when he was sweet to her. Or perhaps since it was the Tourney of the Hand, dedicated to her father, it will only remind Joffrey of her father and that will make Joffrey want to beat her even more. Who knows?
Meryn Trant then comes back to escort her down to court. She realizes that he feels absolutely nothing towards her. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't love her. He's just dead inside and obeys Joffrey's orders to beat her. He treats her like an object.
Sansa: You are no true knight!
And yet Meryn... poker face. No response. At least the Hound would spar with her and respond back with something pithy.
Sansa is alone on the balcony of the court watching Joffrey "dispense justice," which is some pretty bullshit stuff. When he bothers to pay attention to what's going on in the court (which is rare, since he's mainly clocked out and letting the small council do all the work) he jumps in to essentially order everybody to be executed or mutilated.
The small council is totally thrown off by this sick shit. Well, everyone on the small council except for Jason Slynt. Whenever Joffrey makes some sick declaration like ordering someone to have thier balls cut off and stuffed down their mother's throat...
Janos Slynt: Hahaha, YESSSSSS! Good stuff, good stuff! I am going to jerk off while thinking about that tonight.
Sansa hate watches everything and grits her teeth. She wishes someone would just come and deliver justice by killing them all. Some some hero from the songs. But she now realizes that isn't how real life works. There are no heroes. Littlefinger had warned her and told her that life is not a song.
Littlefinger: Okay, the last case of the day... this Singer is accused of writing a song about our dearly departted King Robert.
Singer: Please, m'lords. Have mercy! It was only a joke.
Joffrey: Oh, let's here this song you wrote about my dead father. Go on!
Singer: No! No! Please!
Joffrey: SING IT!
And so the Singer sings his song about Robert dying. There are a couple of versus about Cersei in there too. It's pretty amateurish but not as bad as any Kanye West song.
Joffrey: Oh man, that sucked so hard. I'll give you a choice... your fingers or your tongue.
Singer: W-what?
Joffrey: Which do you want cut off? Make a choice.
Singer: I mean that's not a very difficult choice. Everyone would prefer to lose thier fingers to their tongue, right? I mean who would choose tongue?
And so the Singer is taken away to get his fingers chopped off.
Joffrey then dismissed the court and goes up to Sansa before she can leave. He's got Meryn and the Hound with him again.
Joffrey: Hey honey. How you been? Oh, by the way... you know it's my name day coming up soon. What you gonna get me?
Sansa: What the hell is a name day?
Joffrey: It's like a birthday.
Sansa: Then why don't we just say birthday?
Joffrey: *shrugs*
Sansa: I didn't know it was coming up. Besides, why would I get a present for someone who KILLED MY FATHER IN FRONT OF MY EYES.
Joffrey: You're a stupid girl! My mother said so but I didn't listen. She's worried our children will be just as stupid as you. Still. I suppose I better check and make sure. Which means I'm going to hit that REAL SOON. Yeah gurl. I'm gonna knock you up and put that baby in you. Then we'll see if the baby comes out stupid. If it does, then I'll simply kill it and kill you and get a smarter wife.
Sansa wants to slap Joffrey in his stupid face, but remembers what the Hound told her. She needs to pretend to be a pretty little bird that repeats the nice words she was trained by Septa Mordane. She needs to complement Joffrey and agree with him.
Sansa: Yes, as you wish, my king.
And hey... speaking of Septa Mordane... I wonder what ever happened to her!
Joffrey: Oh that's a good question, narrator. Come on, let's show you and Sansa.
They walk up to the battlements of the Red Keep.
Sansa: No! No! I don't want to go here!
Joffrey: Too bad, bitch!
Up on the battlements is where they keep the heads on the pikes - a place where everyone can see the heads of the executed traitors as a sign. Her father's head is up there, as is Septa Mordane's and a bunch of other members of the Stark posse that came down with Sansa. Also up there is apparently George W. Bush's head. Which is super weird. And something that I already mentioned and linked to in a previous chapter. Whatever. Get off my case. It's still funny.
Joffrey: LOOK SANSA! LOOK AT YOUR FATHER!
Sansa wants to shout "No!" but she gets herself together, again remembering the Hound's words, and does look. She looks, but she tells herself she doesn't see. She gives a blank reaction. She shows no shock. No horror. No sadness.
Joffrey: WHAT? Come on! Scream a little! Whimper! Cry!
Sansa doesn't do any of that.
Joffrey: Goddamnit! The only thing that even gets me off is watching people suffer and you're not suffering! This sucks! I should beat you for that!
Sansa: As you wish, my king.
Joffrey: DAMNIT, NO! You're not supposed to respond that way!
Sansa: Yes, my king.
Joffrey: STOP THAT! Now... back to the conversation about my birthday gift. I know what would be a great gift! The head of your brother, Robb. I'll put it up here right next to your daddy's head. What would you think about that?
Sansa: Or, you know, maybe Robb will give me your head instead.
Joffrey: OH SNAP, you did not just say that. TRANT!
And so Trant beats her again. Blood runs down her face.
Joffrey: Now clean that blood off.
Sansa starts wiping the blood away and notices for a split second that nobody is between her and Joffrey. She could totally push him off the side and nobody could do shit about it. That would be so sweet. But does Sansa have the courage to do that? No. Of course not. A moment after Sansa thinks of that plan, the Hound steps forward and blocks her opportunity. Not that she would have done it anyway. The Hound helps to clean her blood off. She thanks him politely like a good girl.
But does Sansa use this time to be reflective about how her own actions caused this? About how she was the one that ratted on her dad to Cersei and essentially got him killed? No. Of course not. She's thinking about herself. She's thinking about what will happen if SHE gets beheaded next. About how they'll write songs about her and how she'll be a tragic heroin sung about by musicians hundreds of years from now. Yes. That's right. All Sansa can think about after her father dying is how LEGENDARY SHE IS GOING TO BE.
The door to her room opens and her "beloved" Joffrey comes in with the Hound, Meryn Trant, and Arys Oakheart.
Joffrey: Bitch, get out of bed. You need to attend to me at court this evening!
Sansa: LEAVE ME BE!
Joffrey: Get out of bed or I'll have my Hound take you out of bed.
Hound: I suggest you listen to him.
And so Sansa slowly gets out of bed, struggling with the blankets. I'll also note that for some reason here, GRRM also wants to point out just how little clothes Sansa is wearing and how they are see-through. And remember Sansa's age here, people. Gross.
Sansa: Okay. I'm out of bed. I did what you asked. Now leave me alone! I just want to go home!
Joffrey: Oh no. You're not going home. You're staying here with me. We're still getting married.
Sansa: WHAT?! You just killed my father and you still want to marry me? That is super messed up.
Joffrey: I was merciful to your father! I could have given him a slow, painful death. Instead it was one quick sling of the blade.
Sansa: I hate you!
Joffrey: I would not say such things if I were you! Still, my mother told me that it's not right to beat my wife. Although I guess she never said that I couldn't order other people to beat you for me. So I guess I found a little "loophole." Meryn!
Meryn steps forward and starts beating the shit out of Sansa. Which leaves me torn because I'm really glad Sansa is getting beaten but I also don't want to side with team Joffrey.
Sansa picks herself off the floor, with blood on her ear.
Joffrey: So will I see you at court later?
Sansa: Y-y-yes.
Joffrey: Good. Joffrey out!
They leave. Everyone except for the Hound, who just stays there.
Sansa: Okay you burnt-faced creeper. What do you want?
Hound: You need to do what Joffrey wants. Smile for him. Laugh at his shitty jokes. Tell him that his ant colony is super cool and doesn't at all make him a loser. Don't call him an asshole when he gets pissy and then kills every ant in his ant collection with a magnifying glass. Tell him his acoustic guitar skills don't suck even though everyone knows they do.
The Hound leaves and soon two servant ladies then timidly enter the room. They help to bathe Sansa and put makeup on her wound. Sansa is surprised by how dirty the water gets when they clean her. But then again she shouldn't be because she hasn't bathed since her father was executed several days ago. She stank.
To go to court, she selects the same dress she wore at the Tourney of the Hand in the hopes Joffrey will remember a time when he was sweet to her. Or perhaps since it was the Tourney of the Hand, dedicated to her father, it will only remind Joffrey of her father and that will make Joffrey want to beat her even more. Who knows?
Meryn Trant then comes back to escort her down to court. She realizes that he feels absolutely nothing towards her. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't love her. He's just dead inside and obeys Joffrey's orders to beat her. He treats her like an object.
Sansa: You are no true knight!
And yet Meryn... poker face. No response. At least the Hound would spar with her and respond back with something pithy.
Sansa is alone on the balcony of the court watching Joffrey "dispense justice," which is some pretty bullshit stuff. When he bothers to pay attention to what's going on in the court (which is rare, since he's mainly clocked out and letting the small council do all the work) he jumps in to essentially order everybody to be executed or mutilated.
The small council is totally thrown off by this sick shit. Well, everyone on the small council except for Jason Slynt. Whenever Joffrey makes some sick declaration like ordering someone to have thier balls cut off and stuffed down their mother's throat...
Janos Slynt: Hahaha, YESSSSSS! Good stuff, good stuff! I am going to jerk off while thinking about that tonight.
Sansa hate watches everything and grits her teeth. She wishes someone would just come and deliver justice by killing them all. Some some hero from the songs. But she now realizes that isn't how real life works. There are no heroes. Littlefinger had warned her and told her that life is not a song.
Littlefinger: Okay, the last case of the day... this Singer is accused of writing a song about our dearly departted King Robert.
Singer: Please, m'lords. Have mercy! It was only a joke.
Joffrey: Oh, let's here this song you wrote about my dead father. Go on!
Singer: No! No! Please!
Joffrey: SING IT!
And so the Singer sings his song about Robert dying. There are a couple of versus about Cersei in there too. It's pretty amateurish but not as bad as any Kanye West song.
Joffrey: Oh man, that sucked so hard. I'll give you a choice... your fingers or your tongue.
Singer: W-what?
Joffrey: Which do you want cut off? Make a choice.
Singer: I mean that's not a very difficult choice. Everyone would prefer to lose thier fingers to their tongue, right? I mean who would choose tongue?
And so the Singer is taken away to get his fingers chopped off.
Joffrey then dismissed the court and goes up to Sansa before she can leave. He's got Meryn and the Hound with him again.
Joffrey: Hey honey. How you been? Oh, by the way... you know it's my name day coming up soon. What you gonna get me?
Sansa: What the hell is a name day?
Joffrey: It's like a birthday.
Sansa: Then why don't we just say birthday?
Joffrey: *shrugs*
Sansa: I didn't know it was coming up. Besides, why would I get a present for someone who KILLED MY FATHER IN FRONT OF MY EYES.
Joffrey: You're a stupid girl! My mother said so but I didn't listen. She's worried our children will be just as stupid as you. Still. I suppose I better check and make sure. Which means I'm going to hit that REAL SOON. Yeah gurl. I'm gonna knock you up and put that baby in you. Then we'll see if the baby comes out stupid. If it does, then I'll simply kill it and kill you and get a smarter wife.
Sansa wants to slap Joffrey in his stupid face, but remembers what the Hound told her. She needs to pretend to be a pretty little bird that repeats the nice words she was trained by Septa Mordane. She needs to complement Joffrey and agree with him.
Sansa: Yes, as you wish, my king.
And hey... speaking of Septa Mordane... I wonder what ever happened to her!
Joffrey: Oh that's a good question, narrator. Come on, let's show you and Sansa.
They walk up to the battlements of the Red Keep.
Sansa: No! No! I don't want to go here!
Joffrey: Too bad, bitch!
Up on the battlements is where they keep the heads on the pikes - a place where everyone can see the heads of the executed traitors as a sign. Her father's head is up there, as is Septa Mordane's and a bunch of other members of the Stark posse that came down with Sansa. Also up there is apparently George W. Bush's head. Which is super weird. And something that I already mentioned and linked to in a previous chapter. Whatever. Get off my case. It's still funny.
Joffrey: LOOK SANSA! LOOK AT YOUR FATHER!
Sansa wants to shout "No!" but she gets herself together, again remembering the Hound's words, and does look. She looks, but she tells herself she doesn't see. She gives a blank reaction. She shows no shock. No horror. No sadness.
Joffrey: WHAT? Come on! Scream a little! Whimper! Cry!
Sansa doesn't do any of that.
Joffrey: Goddamnit! The only thing that even gets me off is watching people suffer and you're not suffering! This sucks! I should beat you for that!
Sansa: As you wish, my king.
Joffrey: DAMNIT, NO! You're not supposed to respond that way!
Sansa: Yes, my king.
Joffrey: STOP THAT! Now... back to the conversation about my birthday gift. I know what would be a great gift! The head of your brother, Robb. I'll put it up here right next to your daddy's head. What would you think about that?
Sansa: Or, you know, maybe Robb will give me your head instead.
Joffrey: OH SNAP, you did not just say that. TRANT!
And so Trant beats her again. Blood runs down her face.
Joffrey: Now clean that blood off.
Sansa starts wiping the blood away and notices for a split second that nobody is between her and Joffrey. She could totally push him off the side and nobody could do shit about it. That would be so sweet. But does Sansa have the courage to do that? No. Of course not. A moment after Sansa thinks of that plan, the Hound steps forward and blocks her opportunity. Not that she would have done it anyway. The Hound helps to clean her blood off. She thanks him politely like a good girl.
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