Arya is on the street of flour, which is surprisingly a street full of butchers. No, just kidding. It's a street where they make bread. Obviously. Don't you know how medieval street naming works?
Arya: Hey, there is a street over there called "Love Street." What do they do over there?
Maybe I'll tell you when you're older, Arya.
Anyway, Arya is catching pigeons. Sometimes she eats them. Although she prefers to trade them to other people to get other food like tarts. When she's really lucky, she can even get the pigeon cooked by someone rather than having to eat raw pigeon. It's a tough life out there for a street urchin living in Flea Bottom (the Skid Row area of King's Landing). That's what Arya has to pretend to be in order to escape the gold cloaks. They're looking for her, and there is no way out of King's Landing. She's tried every city gate, but they're all guarded. The only thing she has going for her is that she's so filthy that she blends in well with the peasants and scum.
Arya: Oh shit... I see a bunch of heads on spikes over by the Red Keep. I bet those are the heads of every single person I knew growing up. Depressing. Anyway, better stay away from there unless I want my head to join those other heads.
Arya has heard all sorts of rumors about what has happened at the Red Keep. Some people say Renly killed the king and ran away. Some people say the king was killed by a wild boar. Other people say that yes, there was indeed a wild boar... but that the fat ass king died choking to death on it because he's so fat. A hundred different stories with only one thing consistent between them all... the KING IS DEAD!
Arya: I hate this place. I gotta get out of here. I'm surrounded by a bunch of thieves and other kids trying to steal from me. This totally sucks.
Today, Arya goes to the Mud Gate, near the harbor. There she sees a bunch of soldiers standing around and talking. And behind them, a ship called the "Sea Witch."
Arya: Hey! The Sea Witch! That's that ship that my dad wanted to send me away in to go back to Winterfell! If I can find a way to get on that ship... I can go home!
Guard 1: HEY YOU! BOY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?
Arya: Who, me?
Guard 2: Yeah! You! STOP! We heard you over there, speaking an aside to yourself like this was some type of damn Shakespeare play. Get over here.
Arya has just been noticed by the guards and has two options. She can either try to run away. If that happens, she might get caught and arrested. Then they'll figure out who she is and she'll probably get her head up on that spike. Or she can think of some clever story and try to trick those guards.
Arya: I... uhm... uhm... yes! I'm a boy. Trying to sell you pigeons! Pigeon! Fresh pigeon! Surely you want a nice, tasty pigeon, you guards! You surely do look hungry!
Guard 1: Ugh, I hate pigeon.
Guard 2: Me too. But I bet that's better than what my wife is cooking for me at home. Hahaha, am I right?
Guard 1: Hahaha! I know! Hahaha!
Arya: Hahaha! Look! I'm laughing to! Women are awful! I am not one of them! I am a boy!
Guard 1: Now get the hell out of here, boy! Nobody wants your stinking pigeon.
And so they send Arya away.
Arya: Yassssss... success! Although, I guess also a failure... since I couldn't get on that ship.
So Arya skulks her way back to Flea Bottom. When she sits down to eat her raw pigeon, she finds that it's missing. She either dropped it somewhere on the way back or it was stolen from her.
Arya: DAMNIT! I don't see how this day can get any worse!
Suddenly the bells start ringing at the Sept of Baelor. A crowd gathers.
Arya: What's going on?
Random Crowd Person: The bells are ringing. What does that mean? The last time the bell rang was when the king died. Did the new king die too?
Other Random Crowd Person: No, you idiot! That bell chime is completely different from this bell ringing. I'm pretty sure that this is the chime for "everybody come and see an awesome execution."
Third Random Crowd Person: YEAH! My friend just texted me. They say it's the Hand of the King! They're taking him to the Sept to be put on trial for treason!
Everyone gets super psyched. The poor masses love watching trials and executions and shit.
Arya: WHAT?! NO! That's my da--uhhhh.... I mean... oh. Well, nobody is paying attention to me anyway.
Arya joins the crowd and heads over to the Sept of Baelor. This place is PACKED. It's like everyone in town is here. Arya is super short so she can't see anything. But in the center of the courtyard by the Sept there is a statue of Baelor the Blessed, the king who established the sept. She climbs up to the top to get a good look.
Arya: Oh wow! There is my dad, with two gold cloaks holding him down. Also there is the High Septon, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei, the Hound, a bunch of Kingsguards, Varys, Littlefinger, and Sansa. SANSA?! What is she doing there and why does she look so happy?!
Her dad begins speaking.
Ned: Fans... for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today... I consider myself... the luckiest man... on the face of this earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never--
One of the gold cloaks whispers in his ear.
Ned: Oh, sorry. That's the Lou Gehrig speech. I was supposed to give the other one. *AHEM* I, Eddard "Ned" Stark, to solemnly declare that I have betrayed King Robert.
Crowd: *GASP*
Ned: I plotted with Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon to overthrow Robert's legitimate son, Joffrey Lannister. *cough* I mean Joffrey "Baratheon." You all see those air quotes I'm doing, right? I plotted with them to spread the awful, awful, awful and totally not true *wink* lie that Joffrey isn't actually Robert's son, but instead the result of hot and heavy sexual incest between Cersei Lannister and her brother, Jaime Lannister.
Cersei: Okay, a little too explicit of an apology there, Ned. Back it off a little bit and stick to the high-level bullets.
Ned: I stand here, before the Sept of Baelor, to confess my sin before the king and before the seven gods. And beg for mercy.
Someone in the crowd throws a stone at him.
Crowd: BOOOO!!!! TRAITOR!!!
Crowd people really love throwing stones and watching executions. So this whole "mercy" thing is not really up their alley.
High Septon: We stand here before a great church. And remember, the king who built this church, Blessed Baelor, taught us all that mercy was a true sign of just rule. Now that we have heard this man confess his sins - let our dear king decide the fate of Ned Stark. And as he does so, we should all remember that thing I just said about mercy. We should also think about how we are standing in front of a church. How fucked up would it be to execute a man in front of a church?
Crowd: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
Joffrey: Oh man. This is a tough one. On the one hand, every single one of my counselors has advised me that mercy is the way to go and will help to end this raging war that is going on in the Seven Kingdoms. But on the other hand, I'm a sick, twisted fuck who really likes to watch people die. And it looks like you guys in the crowd are just as sick as me, am I right?
Crowd: WOOOOOO!!!!
Joffrey: So, Illyn Payne... BRING ME HIS HEAD!
The crowd goes wild. But everyone up by Joffrey looks shocked. Cersei. The High Septon. Varys.
Sansa: NOOOOO!!!!
Arya: NOOOOO!!!
The guards hold Ned Stark down and Illyn Payne approaches with his blade.
Cersei: This wasn't the deal we made, son!
Joffrey: Hahahaha, women and their soft, weak hearts! Right, everyone? But we can't let traitors get away with this kind of shit!
Arya jumps down from the statue and draws Needle. She tries to make her way up to the execution zone to help her father... but she's grabbed by someone.
Arya: NO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!
Yoren, of the Night's Watch: Shut up, BOY! Remember me? Yoren? I was talking with your father quite a few chapters ago.
Arya: Let me go! I'm not a boy!
Yoren: Yes, yes. I know you're not a boy. Can't you see what I'm doing here? We're going to pretend you're a boy so that you can more easily escape.
Arya: NO! I need to help save my dad!
Yoren: Too late.
Arya: What do you mean "too late?"
Yoren: I mean he's dead already. It just happened.
Arya: Wait... what?
Yoren: Your father was just beheaded. Right now, here in your POV chapter while you were looking the other way.
Arya: So that's it? That's how Ned Stark dies in the books? He's beheaded and within the POV chapter where he's beheaded... the person whose POV it is, namely me, doesn't even actually see it?
Yoren: That is correct.
Arya: So, in a way, Ned Stark is executed "off camera" in the books. And I know that's a somewhat poor example considering that there is no "camera" in novels - but you know what I mean.
Yoren: Also correct. You're in a crowd. Ned Stark is about to be executed. And then in all the chaos and while fighting me off... you don't even see it happen. The main character of the books is now dead.
Arya: This is so messed up.
Yoren: Shut up, BOY! Now let's get the hell out of here.
Arya: Hey, there is a street over there called "Love Street." What do they do over there?
Maybe I'll tell you when you're older, Arya.
Anyway, Arya is catching pigeons. Sometimes she eats them. Although she prefers to trade them to other people to get other food like tarts. When she's really lucky, she can even get the pigeon cooked by someone rather than having to eat raw pigeon. It's a tough life out there for a street urchin living in Flea Bottom (the Skid Row area of King's Landing). That's what Arya has to pretend to be in order to escape the gold cloaks. They're looking for her, and there is no way out of King's Landing. She's tried every city gate, but they're all guarded. The only thing she has going for her is that she's so filthy that she blends in well with the peasants and scum.
Arya: Oh shit... I see a bunch of heads on spikes over by the Red Keep. I bet those are the heads of every single person I knew growing up. Depressing. Anyway, better stay away from there unless I want my head to join those other heads.
Arya has heard all sorts of rumors about what has happened at the Red Keep. Some people say Renly killed the king and ran away. Some people say the king was killed by a wild boar. Other people say that yes, there was indeed a wild boar... but that the fat ass king died choking to death on it because he's so fat. A hundred different stories with only one thing consistent between them all... the KING IS DEAD!
Arya: I hate this place. I gotta get out of here. I'm surrounded by a bunch of thieves and other kids trying to steal from me. This totally sucks.
Today, Arya goes to the Mud Gate, near the harbor. There she sees a bunch of soldiers standing around and talking. And behind them, a ship called the "Sea Witch."
Arya: Hey! The Sea Witch! That's that ship that my dad wanted to send me away in to go back to Winterfell! If I can find a way to get on that ship... I can go home!
Guard 1: HEY YOU! BOY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?
Arya: Who, me?
Guard 2: Yeah! You! STOP! We heard you over there, speaking an aside to yourself like this was some type of damn Shakespeare play. Get over here.
Arya has just been noticed by the guards and has two options. She can either try to run away. If that happens, she might get caught and arrested. Then they'll figure out who she is and she'll probably get her head up on that spike. Or she can think of some clever story and try to trick those guards.
Arya: I... uhm... uhm... yes! I'm a boy. Trying to sell you pigeons! Pigeon! Fresh pigeon! Surely you want a nice, tasty pigeon, you guards! You surely do look hungry!
Guard 1: Ugh, I hate pigeon.
Guard 2: Me too. But I bet that's better than what my wife is cooking for me at home. Hahaha, am I right?
Guard 1: Hahaha! I know! Hahaha!
Arya: Hahaha! Look! I'm laughing to! Women are awful! I am not one of them! I am a boy!
Guard 1: Now get the hell out of here, boy! Nobody wants your stinking pigeon.
And so they send Arya away.
Arya: Yassssss... success! Although, I guess also a failure... since I couldn't get on that ship.
So Arya skulks her way back to Flea Bottom. When she sits down to eat her raw pigeon, she finds that it's missing. She either dropped it somewhere on the way back or it was stolen from her.
Arya: DAMNIT! I don't see how this day can get any worse!
Suddenly the bells start ringing at the Sept of Baelor. A crowd gathers.
Arya: What's going on?
Random Crowd Person: The bells are ringing. What does that mean? The last time the bell rang was when the king died. Did the new king die too?
Other Random Crowd Person: No, you idiot! That bell chime is completely different from this bell ringing. I'm pretty sure that this is the chime for "everybody come and see an awesome execution."
Third Random Crowd Person: YEAH! My friend just texted me. They say it's the Hand of the King! They're taking him to the Sept to be put on trial for treason!
Everyone gets super psyched. The poor masses love watching trials and executions and shit.
Arya: WHAT?! NO! That's my da--uhhhh.... I mean... oh. Well, nobody is paying attention to me anyway.
Arya joins the crowd and heads over to the Sept of Baelor. This place is PACKED. It's like everyone in town is here. Arya is super short so she can't see anything. But in the center of the courtyard by the Sept there is a statue of Baelor the Blessed, the king who established the sept. She climbs up to the top to get a good look.
Arya: Oh wow! There is my dad, with two gold cloaks holding him down. Also there is the High Septon, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei, the Hound, a bunch of Kingsguards, Varys, Littlefinger, and Sansa. SANSA?! What is she doing there and why does she look so happy?!
Her dad begins speaking.
Ned: Fans... for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today... I consider myself... the luckiest man... on the face of this earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never--
One of the gold cloaks whispers in his ear.
Ned: Oh, sorry. That's the Lou Gehrig speech. I was supposed to give the other one. *AHEM* I, Eddard "Ned" Stark, to solemnly declare that I have betrayed King Robert.
Crowd: *GASP*
Ned: I plotted with Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon to overthrow Robert's legitimate son, Joffrey Lannister. *cough* I mean Joffrey "Baratheon." You all see those air quotes I'm doing, right? I plotted with them to spread the awful, awful, awful and totally not true *wink* lie that Joffrey isn't actually Robert's son, but instead the result of hot and heavy sexual incest between Cersei Lannister and her brother, Jaime Lannister.
Cersei: Okay, a little too explicit of an apology there, Ned. Back it off a little bit and stick to the high-level bullets.
Ned: I stand here, before the Sept of Baelor, to confess my sin before the king and before the seven gods. And beg for mercy.
Someone in the crowd throws a stone at him.
Crowd: BOOOO!!!! TRAITOR!!!
Crowd people really love throwing stones and watching executions. So this whole "mercy" thing is not really up their alley.
High Septon: We stand here before a great church. And remember, the king who built this church, Blessed Baelor, taught us all that mercy was a true sign of just rule. Now that we have heard this man confess his sins - let our dear king decide the fate of Ned Stark. And as he does so, we should all remember that thing I just said about mercy. We should also think about how we are standing in front of a church. How fucked up would it be to execute a man in front of a church?
Crowd: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
Joffrey: Oh man. This is a tough one. On the one hand, every single one of my counselors has advised me that mercy is the way to go and will help to end this raging war that is going on in the Seven Kingdoms. But on the other hand, I'm a sick, twisted fuck who really likes to watch people die. And it looks like you guys in the crowd are just as sick as me, am I right?
Crowd: WOOOOOO!!!!
Joffrey: So, Illyn Payne... BRING ME HIS HEAD!
The crowd goes wild. But everyone up by Joffrey looks shocked. Cersei. The High Septon. Varys.
Sansa: NOOOOO!!!!
Arya: NOOOOO!!!
The guards hold Ned Stark down and Illyn Payne approaches with his blade.
Cersei: This wasn't the deal we made, son!
Joffrey: Hahahaha, women and their soft, weak hearts! Right, everyone? But we can't let traitors get away with this kind of shit!
Arya jumps down from the statue and draws Needle. She tries to make her way up to the execution zone to help her father... but she's grabbed by someone.
Arya: NO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!
Yoren, of the Night's Watch: Shut up, BOY! Remember me? Yoren? I was talking with your father quite a few chapters ago.
Arya: Let me go! I'm not a boy!
Yoren: Yes, yes. I know you're not a boy. Can't you see what I'm doing here? We're going to pretend you're a boy so that you can more easily escape.
Arya: NO! I need to help save my dad!
Yoren: Too late.
Arya: What do you mean "too late?"
Yoren: I mean he's dead already. It just happened.
Arya: Wait... what?
Yoren: Your father was just beheaded. Right now, here in your POV chapter while you were looking the other way.
Arya: So that's it? That's how Ned Stark dies in the books? He's beheaded and within the POV chapter where he's beheaded... the person whose POV it is, namely me, doesn't even actually see it?
Yoren: That is correct.
Arya: So, in a way, Ned Stark is executed "off camera" in the books. And I know that's a somewhat poor example considering that there is no "camera" in novels - but you know what I mean.
Yoren: Also correct. You're in a crowd. Ned Stark is about to be executed. And then in all the chaos and while fighting me off... you don't even see it happen. The main character of the books is now dead.
Arya: This is so messed up.
Yoren: Shut up, BOY! Now let's get the hell out of here.
R.I.P. Ned Stark's CSI Notebook: 298AC - 299AC
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