Cat Stark rides up to Moat Cailin, the ancient fortress of the First Men which guards the Neck. With her are Ser Brynden "Blackfish" Tully and the brothers Ser Wylis and Ser Wendel Manderly. When Cat reached White Harbor by ship, instead of continuing on to Winterfell she turned to try to meet up with her son's forces. The Manderly brothers are the sons of Lord Wyman Manderly - the Lord of White Harbor. Wylis and Wendel are fat. Like... SUPER fat. They would be the fattest people she had ever met if she hadn't met their father. In fact, Lord Wyman is so fat--
Galbart Glover: --HOW FAT IS HE?
Thank you. Lord Wyman is so fat that the Wall was originally supposed to go through White Harbor, but they had to move it north to get around him.
Robett Glover: Hahaha, good one!
Wylis: We're right here, damnit! Stop laughing at fat jokes about us, damn Glovers!
Wendel: Although I could go for an eel pie right now.
Wylis: YES! Eel pies are so good!
Wendel: Although father always talks about one day making "the ultimate pie." I wonder what he's talking about though. He never explains further.
Blackfish: Uh, yes. Anyway... back to the actual plot of this chapter. Behold, Cat. Moat Cailin. This thing is an ancient deathtrap.
Cat: "Ancient Deathtrap." Band name?
Blackfish: No.
Cat: Well, I think it's a pretty good--
Blackfish: --I said no.
Cat: ...
Blackfish: Anyway, I mean look at this place. It used to have twenty towers, but now all but three have collapsed. What good is defending the north in falling apart ruins like this?
Cat: My husband assures me that Moat Cailin is a most formidable fortress, despite how it might look. The remaining towers look over the only causeway across the bogs that lead north. To attack the towers would require wading through waist-high, lizard-lion infested muck and then climbing the towers while being attacked from the defenders of the other towers. Also there are ghosts who haunt this place, so there is that. Who could possibly win such an assault?
Blackfish: Uhh... Howland Reed or pretty much any of the crannogmen? Who just happen to be native to this very area.
Cat: Well, yeah. Duh. Of course the crannogmen. But Greywater Watch is sworn to House Stark which means they are on our side.
Blackfish: Good point. But who knows? Maybe Howland Reed is angry at the fact that HE STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP IN ANY BOOK DESPITE HOW IMPORTANT HIS CHARACTER IS. That could really set a man off and make him betray us. He probably has Lizard-Lions that obey him as pets. And how awesome do those sound? Lizards the size of lions? Why are they not in the TV show?
Roose Bolton: No, I don't think Reed would betray the Starks. I can't imagine any house betraying House Stark. Mwahahaha!
Cat: Okay, that's it!!!! Bolton... and you Glovers too... you're not even in this chapter yet since we're just showing up to the Moat now. You show up later in the chapter!
Roose, Galbart and Robett leave.
Cat: Now where were we? Ah yes...
They walk up to the Gatehouse Tower and see the Stark bannermen. There, her son sits on a seat in the great hall, surrounded by all sorts of other men sworn to Winterfell. People like Halys Hornwood, Helman Tallhart, Jon Umber, Rickard Karstark, Theon Greyjoy, and... well... Roose Bolton and Galbart and Robett Glover.
Bolton: You essentially just followed us like two steps behind.
Cat: Shut up, you.
Bolton: Rude. I'll remember that.
Grey Wind: *HOWL* (Translation: Hey look! It's mommy!)
Robb Stark: Shh doggo! What's your problem? What do you see over the-- OH SHIT, IT'S MOM! EVERYONE HIDE THE PORN!
Everyone hides the porn. The Lords then go up one by one to pay their respects to her.
Theon: Holy crap, I didn't expect you to be here.
Cat: Yes, well, when we landed at White Harbor we heard about the army assembling so we came this way. Because I'm a terrible mother and apparently don't even care at all about the well being of my two most vulnerable children - a cripple and a baby - both back at Winterfell and largely undefended.
Theon: Hrm... Winterfell is largely undefended you say? Intereeeeeeeeesting.
Cat: Yes, I mean I sent away Rodrik Cassel to go up there and help out - but that's it. Anyway, he's gone now but here is Uncle Blackfish and some Manderlys too.
Robb: Hrm, good. I was worried that there was an Earthquake. Just Manderlys walking this way though.
Wendel Manderly: Ugh. We have to take this "fat" shit from that boy Lord too?
Bolton: So hey, what's this rumor I hear about you holding Tyrion Lannister as a prisoner? Because we could really use a hostage right now as a bargaining chip for these Lannister attacks.
Cat: Well I HAD the dwarf but lost him thanks to my moron sister. But look, enough about all that. I'd like some alone time with my son.
Robb sends everyone away. Now they're alone.
Cat: Ah, I missed you son. You look like you've grown so much older in the short time I've been gone.
Robb: It's probably just this sweet beard I grew.
Cat: You're still my child though! A boy of fifteen. You shouldn't be leading men to war! You were just sparring with a wooden sword less than a year ago.
Robb: Who else would have done it? I was the only one, mom.
Cat: You could have sent any of these men.
Robb: Yeah, but they wouldn't be STARKS. We roll hard! *fist bumps chest*
Cat: Ah, sometimes you remind me so much of your father.
Robb: What... you going to try to send me back home?
Cat: No, I couldn't do that... even though I might want to. If mommy came and sent her boy back home now, you'd never have respect when you're Lord of Winterfell one day.
Robb: Yeah... uhm... about that "one day" thing you just mentioned. It might be sooner rather than later. Did you hear about dad?
Cat: Yes. Word of the king's death and Ned's arrest made it to me. Quite tragic. But I hadn't heard about my girls.
Robb: Oh yeah, about that... I got a letter from a raven.
Cat: Holy shit... you know a bird that can write? That's amazing! We should take it on a travelling show.
Robb: No, no. The letter was carried via a raven but it was written by Sansa.
Cat: Ah, let me see.
Robb goes over to a cabinet and pulls out a crumbled parchment. Whatever was written must have made him very angry. He hands it to her and she looks it over.
Robb: Two letters arrived at Winterfell, both in Sansa's hand and addressed to me and to you.
Cat cannot believe the shit that Sansa wrote. Bullshit about Ned being a traitor and Robb needing to come down and bend the knee.
Cat: Sansa's hand wrote this, for sure. But these are the words of Cersei. Sansa is a hostage!
Robb: Yeah, and the letter doesn't say anything about Arya. You know, I really wish you still had Tyrion so we could trade him for Arya.
Cat: And Sansa?
Robb: Huh?
Cat: Trade him for Arya AND Sansa, you mean of course. Right?
Robb: Oh yeah, riiiiight. Because she's not at all the worst. Anyway, without the dwarf I don't know what we'll do next. Please tell me that Aunt Lysa will help us out and have the forces of the Vale join our armies. I texted her, saw that it was seen, but got no reply back.
Cat: Nope. She's just going to hide there at the Eyrie with your stupid sickly cousin Robert.
Robb: Yeah, he sucks. At least he has a cool name.
Cat: Only one knight from the Vale is coming to help us. Fortunately it's the best one - Blackfish!
Robb: Also a cool name.
Cat: Don't worry about the men you don't have. Worry about the 18,000 men you do have. What is your strategy? What is your plan of attack?
Robb shrugs.
Cat: Damnit! Stop being indecisive!
Robb: I don't know, mom! You just said it... I'm 15. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Cat: Well get a clue! Think about it. You know what happens if you go to Kings Landing and bend the knee. Cersei makes you a prisoner and we never see you again. You know what happens if you turn tail and go back to Winterfell. The lords here will never respect you. So you really only have one option - you fight and you win!
Robb: What happens if I fight and lose?
Cat: Remember the sack of Kings Landing? Gregor "the Mountain" Clegane and Amory Lorch scaled the walls of Maegor's Holdfast. Amory dragged the 3-year old Princess Rhaenys from under her father's bed and stabbed her to death. The Mountain then smashed the head of the baby Prince Aegon in front of his mother, Princess Elia Martell, and then raped and murdered her with Aegon's brains still on his hands. The same Mountain that is probably now riding through the Riverlands with the Lannisters and fighting his way towards us now. That would be the gist of what happens if you lose.
Robb: Oh... I... see. So I guess I should try to win?
Cat: Ya think? So speaking of the Riverlands... how are things going there?
Robb: Jaime Lannister smashed the Tully forces at the Golden Tooth and is now advancing on Riverrun. Meanwhile, Lord Tywin's men came up from the south with an even larger army. That army ambushed the forces of Lord Beric Dondarrion that dad had sent from Kings Landing to bring the Mountain to justice. Raymun Darry and most of the men from Winterfell were killed. Lord Beric may have escaped, but nobody actually knows. There is a rumor that he's dead too. Now Tywin is marching north to Harrenhal.
Cat: Oh shit, that is like ten times worse than I would have guessed. So you're waiting for Tywin to march on Moat Cailin?
Robb: Nobody thinks Tywin is dumb enough to attack here. He's just going to take out the castles of the river lords one by one. And he'll do it too... unless we march south to meet him.
Cat: But this is a good defensive position! It would be suicide to march out to face two more experienced battle commanders.
Robb: Look mom, supplies are running low and we can't just sit here forever. And our men aren't seasoned soldiers - they're just fishermen and farmers. The longer we sit here doing nothing, the more likely they are just to turn and head home. We need to march!
Cat: Hrm, yes. I suppose. But where to march to?
Robb pulls out his giant Risk: Westeros board.
Robb: Greatjon says to take the battle to Tywin. Others say we should march to your brother Edmure to assist the Tullys. I don't know which option is better.
Cat: Damnit son, what did I just say about being decisive? These men made you their commander... SO COMMAND!
Robb: Hrm... well... Greatjon thinks we can surprise Tywin. But I don't think Tywin could actually be that easily surprised. What I would do is split my forces. Have my infantry continue marching down the Kingsroad but have the horseys split off at the Green Fork and go to assist Riverrun.
Cat: You mean cavalry.
Robb: Huh?
Cat: Military forces on horseback. They are called "cavalry." They are not called "horseys."
Robb: No, no... I'm pretty sure they are called "horseys." Cavalry is that place where Jesus died.
Cat sighs and rubs her temples.
Robb: Of course, this plan means that my forces are split on two sides of the river. And what man controls that river and its only crossing at the Green Fork? Walder Frey!
Cat: Ah yes, the "Late" Walder Frey. That 100 year old, untrustworthy bannerman to my father. Although he is sworn to House Tully, he has a habit of not showing up to battle until he knows what side is going to win. My father never trusted him. Neither should you.
Robb: Nah, I'm sure he's a swell guy.
Cat: Son, overall you have an excellent plan though. I'm really impressed.
Robb: Thanks mom. I intend to lead the horsey force to Riverrun myself. And I'll give the Greatjon lead over the infantry heading towards Tywin.
Cat: Okay, see... I'm not trying to call you out or anything but Greatjon is a fearless man. But you don't want a fearless man to fight Tywin Lannister. Brave and fearless are different. You need someone to fight Tywin that is cunning.
Robb: Hrm... you mean like Roose Bolton? Yeah, that dude is SUPER creepy. If Tywin is even half as creeped out by him as I am... then that would be awesome.
Cat: Yes! See? It's not hard to decide things. Just stand up for yourself and make a decision and don't let anyone question it or push you around.
Robb: Good point. Now I'm sending you back to Winterfell.
Cat: NO! HOW DARE YOU! I'M GOING WITH YOU TO RIVERRUN!
She grabs his ear.
Robb: OW! OW! STOP! OKAY MOM! OKAY!
Galbart Glover: --HOW FAT IS HE?
Thank you. Lord Wyman is so fat that the Wall was originally supposed to go through White Harbor, but they had to move it north to get around him.
Robett Glover: Hahaha, good one!
Wylis: We're right here, damnit! Stop laughing at fat jokes about us, damn Glovers!
Wendel: Although I could go for an eel pie right now.
Wylis: YES! Eel pies are so good!
Wendel: Although father always talks about one day making "the ultimate pie." I wonder what he's talking about though. He never explains further.
Blackfish: Uh, yes. Anyway... back to the actual plot of this chapter. Behold, Cat. Moat Cailin. This thing is an ancient deathtrap.
Cat: "Ancient Deathtrap." Band name?
Blackfish: No.
Cat: Well, I think it's a pretty good--
Blackfish: --I said no.
Cat: ...
Blackfish: Anyway, I mean look at this place. It used to have twenty towers, but now all but three have collapsed. What good is defending the north in falling apart ruins like this?
Cat: My husband assures me that Moat Cailin is a most formidable fortress, despite how it might look. The remaining towers look over the only causeway across the bogs that lead north. To attack the towers would require wading through waist-high, lizard-lion infested muck and then climbing the towers while being attacked from the defenders of the other towers. Also there are ghosts who haunt this place, so there is that. Who could possibly win such an assault?
Blackfish: Uhh... Howland Reed or pretty much any of the crannogmen? Who just happen to be native to this very area.
Cat: Well, yeah. Duh. Of course the crannogmen. But Greywater Watch is sworn to House Stark which means they are on our side.
Blackfish: Good point. But who knows? Maybe Howland Reed is angry at the fact that HE STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP IN ANY BOOK DESPITE HOW IMPORTANT HIS CHARACTER IS. That could really set a man off and make him betray us. He probably has Lizard-Lions that obey him as pets. And how awesome do those sound? Lizards the size of lions? Why are they not in the TV show?
Roose Bolton: No, I don't think Reed would betray the Starks. I can't imagine any house betraying House Stark. Mwahahaha!
Cat: Okay, that's it!!!! Bolton... and you Glovers too... you're not even in this chapter yet since we're just showing up to the Moat now. You show up later in the chapter!
Roose, Galbart and Robett leave.
Cat: Now where were we? Ah yes...
They walk up to the Gatehouse Tower and see the Stark bannermen. There, her son sits on a seat in the great hall, surrounded by all sorts of other men sworn to Winterfell. People like Halys Hornwood, Helman Tallhart, Jon Umber, Rickard Karstark, Theon Greyjoy, and... well... Roose Bolton and Galbart and Robett Glover.
Bolton: You essentially just followed us like two steps behind.
Cat: Shut up, you.
Bolton: Rude. I'll remember that.
Grey Wind: *HOWL* (Translation: Hey look! It's mommy!)
Robb Stark: Shh doggo! What's your problem? What do you see over the-- OH SHIT, IT'S MOM! EVERYONE HIDE THE PORN!
Everyone hides the porn. The Lords then go up one by one to pay their respects to her.
Theon: Holy crap, I didn't expect you to be here.
Cat: Yes, well, when we landed at White Harbor we heard about the army assembling so we came this way. Because I'm a terrible mother and apparently don't even care at all about the well being of my two most vulnerable children - a cripple and a baby - both back at Winterfell and largely undefended.
Theon: Hrm... Winterfell is largely undefended you say? Intereeeeeeeeesting.
Cat: Yes, I mean I sent away Rodrik Cassel to go up there and help out - but that's it. Anyway, he's gone now but here is Uncle Blackfish and some Manderlys too.
Robb: Hrm, good. I was worried that there was an Earthquake. Just Manderlys walking this way though.
Wendel Manderly: Ugh. We have to take this "fat" shit from that boy Lord too?
Bolton: So hey, what's this rumor I hear about you holding Tyrion Lannister as a prisoner? Because we could really use a hostage right now as a bargaining chip for these Lannister attacks.
Cat: Well I HAD the dwarf but lost him thanks to my moron sister. But look, enough about all that. I'd like some alone time with my son.
Robb sends everyone away. Now they're alone.
Cat: Ah, I missed you son. You look like you've grown so much older in the short time I've been gone.
Robb: It's probably just this sweet beard I grew.
Cat: You're still my child though! A boy of fifteen. You shouldn't be leading men to war! You were just sparring with a wooden sword less than a year ago.
Robb: Who else would have done it? I was the only one, mom.
Cat: You could have sent any of these men.
Robb: Yeah, but they wouldn't be STARKS. We roll hard! *fist bumps chest*
Cat: Ah, sometimes you remind me so much of your father.
Robb: What... you going to try to send me back home?
Cat: No, I couldn't do that... even though I might want to. If mommy came and sent her boy back home now, you'd never have respect when you're Lord of Winterfell one day.
Robb: Yeah... uhm... about that "one day" thing you just mentioned. It might be sooner rather than later. Did you hear about dad?
Cat: Yes. Word of the king's death and Ned's arrest made it to me. Quite tragic. But I hadn't heard about my girls.
Robb: Oh yeah, about that... I got a letter from a raven.
Cat: Holy shit... you know a bird that can write? That's amazing! We should take it on a travelling show.
Robb: No, no. The letter was carried via a raven but it was written by Sansa.
Cat: Ah, let me see.
Robb goes over to a cabinet and pulls out a crumbled parchment. Whatever was written must have made him very angry. He hands it to her and she looks it over.
Robb: Two letters arrived at Winterfell, both in Sansa's hand and addressed to me and to you.
Cat cannot believe the shit that Sansa wrote. Bullshit about Ned being a traitor and Robb needing to come down and bend the knee.
Cat: Sansa's hand wrote this, for sure. But these are the words of Cersei. Sansa is a hostage!
Robb: Yeah, and the letter doesn't say anything about Arya. You know, I really wish you still had Tyrion so we could trade him for Arya.
Cat: And Sansa?
Robb: Huh?
Cat: Trade him for Arya AND Sansa, you mean of course. Right?
Robb: Oh yeah, riiiiight. Because she's not at all the worst. Anyway, without the dwarf I don't know what we'll do next. Please tell me that Aunt Lysa will help us out and have the forces of the Vale join our armies. I texted her, saw that it was seen, but got no reply back.
Cat: Nope. She's just going to hide there at the Eyrie with your stupid sickly cousin Robert.
Robb: Yeah, he sucks. At least he has a cool name.
Cat: Only one knight from the Vale is coming to help us. Fortunately it's the best one - Blackfish!
Robb: Also a cool name.
Cat: Don't worry about the men you don't have. Worry about the 18,000 men you do have. What is your strategy? What is your plan of attack?
Robb shrugs.
Cat: Damnit! Stop being indecisive!
Robb: I don't know, mom! You just said it... I'm 15. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Cat: Well get a clue! Think about it. You know what happens if you go to Kings Landing and bend the knee. Cersei makes you a prisoner and we never see you again. You know what happens if you turn tail and go back to Winterfell. The lords here will never respect you. So you really only have one option - you fight and you win!
Robb: What happens if I fight and lose?
Cat: Remember the sack of Kings Landing? Gregor "the Mountain" Clegane and Amory Lorch scaled the walls of Maegor's Holdfast. Amory dragged the 3-year old Princess Rhaenys from under her father's bed and stabbed her to death. The Mountain then smashed the head of the baby Prince Aegon in front of his mother, Princess Elia Martell, and then raped and murdered her with Aegon's brains still on his hands. The same Mountain that is probably now riding through the Riverlands with the Lannisters and fighting his way towards us now. That would be the gist of what happens if you lose.
Robb: Oh... I... see. So I guess I should try to win?
Cat: Ya think? So speaking of the Riverlands... how are things going there?
Robb: Jaime Lannister smashed the Tully forces at the Golden Tooth and is now advancing on Riverrun. Meanwhile, Lord Tywin's men came up from the south with an even larger army. That army ambushed the forces of Lord Beric Dondarrion that dad had sent from Kings Landing to bring the Mountain to justice. Raymun Darry and most of the men from Winterfell were killed. Lord Beric may have escaped, but nobody actually knows. There is a rumor that he's dead too. Now Tywin is marching north to Harrenhal.
Cat: Oh shit, that is like ten times worse than I would have guessed. So you're waiting for Tywin to march on Moat Cailin?
Robb: Nobody thinks Tywin is dumb enough to attack here. He's just going to take out the castles of the river lords one by one. And he'll do it too... unless we march south to meet him.
Cat: But this is a good defensive position! It would be suicide to march out to face two more experienced battle commanders.
Robb: Look mom, supplies are running low and we can't just sit here forever. And our men aren't seasoned soldiers - they're just fishermen and farmers. The longer we sit here doing nothing, the more likely they are just to turn and head home. We need to march!
Cat: Hrm, yes. I suppose. But where to march to?
Robb pulls out his giant Risk: Westeros board.
Robb: Greatjon says to take the battle to Tywin. Others say we should march to your brother Edmure to assist the Tullys. I don't know which option is better.
Cat: Damnit son, what did I just say about being decisive? These men made you their commander... SO COMMAND!
Robb: Hrm... well... Greatjon thinks we can surprise Tywin. But I don't think Tywin could actually be that easily surprised. What I would do is split my forces. Have my infantry continue marching down the Kingsroad but have the horseys split off at the Green Fork and go to assist Riverrun.
Cat: You mean cavalry.
Robb: Huh?
Cat: Military forces on horseback. They are called "cavalry." They are not called "horseys."
Robb: No, no... I'm pretty sure they are called "horseys." Cavalry is that place where Jesus died.
Cat sighs and rubs her temples.
Robb: Of course, this plan means that my forces are split on two sides of the river. And what man controls that river and its only crossing at the Green Fork? Walder Frey!
Cat: Ah yes, the "Late" Walder Frey. That 100 year old, untrustworthy bannerman to my father. Although he is sworn to House Tully, he has a habit of not showing up to battle until he knows what side is going to win. My father never trusted him. Neither should you.
Robb: Nah, I'm sure he's a swell guy.
Cat: Son, overall you have an excellent plan though. I'm really impressed.
Robb: Thanks mom. I intend to lead the horsey force to Riverrun myself. And I'll give the Greatjon lead over the infantry heading towards Tywin.
Cat: Okay, see... I'm not trying to call you out or anything but Greatjon is a fearless man. But you don't want a fearless man to fight Tywin Lannister. Brave and fearless are different. You need someone to fight Tywin that is cunning.
Robb: Hrm... you mean like Roose Bolton? Yeah, that dude is SUPER creepy. If Tywin is even half as creeped out by him as I am... then that would be awesome.
Cat: Yes! See? It's not hard to decide things. Just stand up for yourself and make a decision and don't let anyone question it or push you around.
Robb: Good point. Now I'm sending you back to Winterfell.
Cat: NO! HOW DARE YOU! I'M GOING WITH YOU TO RIVERRUN!
She grabs his ear.
Robb: OW! OW! STOP! OKAY MOM! OKAY!
No comments:
Post a Comment