Khal Drogo finishes his usual two minutes of sex with Dany.
Drogo: Mmm. Yes. Good for you, Dan Ares Wife, Moon of my life?
Dany: Huh? Oh, I mean "YES! So good!" So... now about making sure your army gets on a bunch of ships and invades Westeros... it was foretold that our son, the Stallion that Mounts the World, will conquer the entire world. Well, Westeros is on the other side of the ocean and is part of the world. So you better get on that.
Drogo: No. World end at black salt sea. Our son no go. Me see YouTube video that say world is flat and end there. Fall off if you go more.
Dany: OMG, stop listening to Kyrie Irving. The only NBA star you should listen to is Shaq.
Dany doesn't know why she said that. Yet somehow she has been dreaming of Shaq a lot lately.
Drogo: Drogo bored by woman talk. Now will go hunt.
Dany: Oh yeah, because the last time a king went off hunting in this book it wound up going SO WELL for him.
Drogo leaves.
Dany: Whatever. Maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back. Then I can convince him that we need to go invade Westeros and take back the Iron Throne. I can't believe these horse people who are usually so manly and tough are afraid of the sea. I mean I can understand being afraid of water if you're from the Summer Isles, but--
Jorah Mormont: --WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Racist, Dany! Racist! The Summer Isles characters are the black characters in A Song of Ice and Fire. You're walking some dangerous ground there. Besides, wouldn't people from isles be used to water?
Oh yeah, Jorah shows up. Dany summoned him after the Drogo sex. Did I forget to mention that?
Dany: Oh, don't lecture me Jorah. You're the one who was involved in THE SLAVE TRADE.
Jorah: I tried to sell white people though, so it's okay.
Dany: Look, I'm sorry for lashing out at you, Jorah. I'm just so sad. I keep hoping to go home. I don't even know what "home" is though. Is it Westeros? Is it here?
Jorah: I know what will cheer you up, Dany! A nice trip to the market!
Dany: So you're saying the way to cheer up a woman is shopping? I counter your "racist" with "sexist."
Jorah: Do you want to go to the market or not?
Dany: OF COURSE I DO, I'M A WOMAN! SHOPPPPPINNNNGGGGG!!!!!!
And so they go shopping.
Dany: I love this place! All the accents here! It reminds me of growing up in the Free Cities. You know I used to play in these types of markets when I was growing up as a little girl. We barely had any money but the vendors would still sometimes give me free honeyfinger cakes. Do they have honeyfinger cakes in Westeros, Jorah?
Jorah: I assume not, because I have never heard of that shit before. Anyway, if you'll excuse me. I need to go meet up with a Merchant Captain who has arrived here. He might have a letter from Illyrio.
Dany: OH! Illyrio? I love that guy! He's like one of my father figures. Can I come with you?
Jorah: Uhh... no.
Jorah goes off on his own.
Dany: Hrm. Weird. Why would he want to do that by himself rather than... oh... wait... he's probably actually going off to visit a whore or something. That makes sense now.
Dany shrugs it off and goes around the market, shopping. They have everything here. Fruits. Jewelry. A "Spencers." She's pretty easily identifiable as the Khaleesi of the Dothraki, so she gets all sort of "free gifts" as she walks around. As part of the usual ritual, she gives the gift-givers medallions in return. Medallions being round metal objects. Like, you know, coins. So really... she's exchanging metallic coins that have value in return for "free gifts," which seems more like "payment" than "gifts."
Wine Merchant (speaking in Valyrian): Wine! WINE! Get your wine here! Have a sample of wine!
Dany (in Valyrian): Yeah, I'd like some of that! Ignore the fact that I'm pregnant.
Wine Merchant: Oh my! You know Valyrian?! What a surprise! I have no idea who you are! Here, have some of this wine. It's the best!
Doreah: How do you not know who this is? Why this is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen; the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men; Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea; Deputy Customer Communications Associate for AT&T; and Regional Operations Consultant for the Harold Stassen Republican Primary Exploratory Commission of 1984.
Wine Merchant: Oh, begging my forgiveness, great Khaleesi! This wine here is shit! Just the kind of crap I give to unsuspecting tourists.
He throws it away.
Wine Merchant: I will get you a cask of our finest wine, yes I will!
The Merchant brings back a cask of wine, which has "Not Poison" written on it.
Dany: Oh, thank you! I know my husband will love this! He's quite an alcoholic.
Just then, Jorah returns.
Dany: Oh wow, that was quick. You must last shorter with those prostitutes than Drogo does with me.
Jorah: Huh?
Dany: Never mind.
Jorah: Hey Wine Merchant. That's a mighty fine looking wine you got there. How about you open the cask up and let me have a taste?
The Wine Merchant starts nervously sweating.
Wine Merchant: What? NO! Have this other cheap tourist wine I initially tried to offer her. This wine here is fit only for princesses like the Khaleesi! Not for common soldiers like you.
Jorah: Oh, I INSIST.
Jorah puts his hand on his sword.
Wine Merchant: You... you can't just pour this stuff out immediately. You have to open it and let it breath for a while Everybody knows that!
Jorah: I SAID POUR A GLASS FOR ME. In fact, pour two glasses. One for me and one for yourself.
Dany: Come on, Jorah. I'm not sure why you're being so persistent. I mean look, the wine has "Not Poison" written on it. Surely it's safe.
Jorah: If it's so safe, he should drink a bit then.
Wine Merchant: No!
Dany: Hrmmmm...... do as my knight commands you, silly merchant!
Wine Merchant: Yes, yes. Of course, Khaleesi.
The merchant begins to pour two glasses, but then half way through he throws the bottle at her and runs.
Dany dodges the bottle but almost falls down on her pregnant belly. Fortunately, Jorah grabs her before any harm can be done. The Dothraki servant Jhogo then trips the merchant up with his whip.
Jhogo: Like in Indiana Jones!!!
Given all the commotion caused, a bunch of merchant guards run up.
Captain of the Merchant Guards: Okay, okay. What happened here? No wait... let me guess... this asshole here trying to sell poison wine to assassinate someone AGAIN? Geez, Jeff! When will you ever learn?
Jeff, the Wine Merchant: *shrugs shoulders comically*
Dany: Ohmygawd Jorah, you saved my life! But how did you know?
Jorah: Uhh... because the letter I just got from Illyrio. It warned me that King Robert had put a hit out on you.
Dany: Oh wow, so you really WERE getting a letter from Illyrio rather than seeing a hooker? Now I feel silly.
Jorah: Yes. Really. It's not at all that I'm a spy for Westeros who wanted to go away while you were killed... but given my growing feelings for you I had a change of heart to save you.
Dany: Of course not, it couldn't be that at all. After all, I'm a child and you're a grown man. If you had sexual feelings for me it would be super gross and any fans who wanted to 'ship us would be pedophiles.
Jorah: *sweats nervously just like Jeff the Wine Merchant*
Captain of Merchant Guards: Well, let's have Jeff delivered to Drogo and see what the Khal wants to do with him for revenge. It will probably be something pretty sick. I totally want to watch.
Dany: All this excitement and the attempt to murder me makes me tired. I need to go back and rest.
And so Dany goes back to her tent to lay down. She dismisses everyone except for Jorah.
Jorah: Oh sweet. Alone time? I guess you really are grateful for me saving your life.
Dany: Huh? What was that you were saying, Jorah? Sorry, I was thinking. Thinking about that letter you received. What exactly did it say?
Jorah: Oh.. you wanted to talk about the letter? Damn it.
Jorah starts buttoning his pants back up.
Jorah: Illyrio said that King Robert had offered a lordship to anyone who could kill you and your son or your brother.
Dany: Hahaha, epic. So since Drogo already killed my brother I assume that means that the Usurper will be giving Drogo a lordship?
But despite her outward laughing at the situation, Dany is really shaken. She orders Jorah to leave and stares at her dragon eggs. Somehow, inside of her, she feels like the anger this assassination attempt has created in her has "woken the dragon," as her annoying brother would say if his face hadn't been melted off--
Jhogo: --Like in Indiana Jones!!!
Given her feeling, Dany cooks up a fire and throws the dragon eggs in it, thinking that will mean they will come to life. What a dumb ass!
Of course... nothing happens.
Later that night, Drogo comes back from hunting.
Drogo: Hey honey. Drogo miss anything?
Dany tells him everything.
Drogo: Hrm. This piss Drogo off. For helping save my wife, Drogo give Jorah and Jhogo gifts. New Playstation 4 Pro. But that not only gift Drogo give. Drogo also have gift for Drogo and Dan Ares Wife's unborn son, Ray Go. Ray Go is Stallion Who Mount World. For gift Drogo give his son the Seven Kingdoms. This gift also have number of sub-gifts. Sub-gifts include head of King Man Robert who usurp Dan Ares's father. Sub-gifts also include my khalasar ride west on wooden horses to kill all men in iron suits and tear down stone houses.Sub-gifts includes rape all Westeros women, take children as slaves, and bring stupid Westeros gods back to Vaes Dothrak to bow beneath Mother of Mountains.
Dany: Awww, thanks sweetie! *bats eyes*
And so Drogo orders his men to ride west - towards the coast and Westeros. The Wine Merchant, Jeff, is chained to the back of Dany's horse as they ride, being dragged along.
Drogo: Mmm. Yes. Good for you, Dan Ares Wife, Moon of my life?
Dany: Huh? Oh, I mean "YES! So good!" So... now about making sure your army gets on a bunch of ships and invades Westeros... it was foretold that our son, the Stallion that Mounts the World, will conquer the entire world. Well, Westeros is on the other side of the ocean and is part of the world. So you better get on that.
Drogo: No. World end at black salt sea. Our son no go. Me see YouTube video that say world is flat and end there. Fall off if you go more.
Dany: OMG, stop listening to Kyrie Irving. The only NBA star you should listen to is Shaq.
Dany doesn't know why she said that. Yet somehow she has been dreaming of Shaq a lot lately.
Drogo: Drogo bored by woman talk. Now will go hunt.
Dany: Oh yeah, because the last time a king went off hunting in this book it wound up going SO WELL for him.
Drogo leaves.
Dany: Whatever. Maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back. Then I can convince him that we need to go invade Westeros and take back the Iron Throne. I can't believe these horse people who are usually so manly and tough are afraid of the sea. I mean I can understand being afraid of water if you're from the Summer Isles, but--
Jorah Mormont: --WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Racist, Dany! Racist! The Summer Isles characters are the black characters in A Song of Ice and Fire. You're walking some dangerous ground there. Besides, wouldn't people from isles be used to water?
Oh yeah, Jorah shows up. Dany summoned him after the Drogo sex. Did I forget to mention that?
Dany: Oh, don't lecture me Jorah. You're the one who was involved in THE SLAVE TRADE.
Jorah: I tried to sell white people though, so it's okay.
Dany: Look, I'm sorry for lashing out at you, Jorah. I'm just so sad. I keep hoping to go home. I don't even know what "home" is though. Is it Westeros? Is it here?
Jorah: I know what will cheer you up, Dany! A nice trip to the market!
Dany: So you're saying the way to cheer up a woman is shopping? I counter your "racist" with "sexist."
Jorah: Do you want to go to the market or not?
Dany: OF COURSE I DO, I'M A WOMAN! SHOPPPPPINNNNGGGGG!!!!!!
And so they go shopping.
Dany: I love this place! All the accents here! It reminds me of growing up in the Free Cities. You know I used to play in these types of markets when I was growing up as a little girl. We barely had any money but the vendors would still sometimes give me free honeyfinger cakes. Do they have honeyfinger cakes in Westeros, Jorah?
Jorah: I assume not, because I have never heard of that shit before. Anyway, if you'll excuse me. I need to go meet up with a Merchant Captain who has arrived here. He might have a letter from Illyrio.
Dany: OH! Illyrio? I love that guy! He's like one of my father figures. Can I come with you?
Jorah: Uhh... no.
Jorah goes off on his own.
Dany: Hrm. Weird. Why would he want to do that by himself rather than... oh... wait... he's probably actually going off to visit a whore or something. That makes sense now.
Dany shrugs it off and goes around the market, shopping. They have everything here. Fruits. Jewelry. A "Spencers." She's pretty easily identifiable as the Khaleesi of the Dothraki, so she gets all sort of "free gifts" as she walks around. As part of the usual ritual, she gives the gift-givers medallions in return. Medallions being round metal objects. Like, you know, coins. So really... she's exchanging metallic coins that have value in return for "free gifts," which seems more like "payment" than "gifts."
Wine Merchant (speaking in Valyrian): Wine! WINE! Get your wine here! Have a sample of wine!
Dany (in Valyrian): Yeah, I'd like some of that! Ignore the fact that I'm pregnant.
Wine Merchant: Oh my! You know Valyrian?! What a surprise! I have no idea who you are! Here, have some of this wine. It's the best!
Doreah: How do you not know who this is? Why this is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen; the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men; Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea; Deputy Customer Communications Associate for AT&T; and Regional Operations Consultant for the Harold Stassen Republican Primary Exploratory Commission of 1984.
Wine Merchant: Oh, begging my forgiveness, great Khaleesi! This wine here is shit! Just the kind of crap I give to unsuspecting tourists.
He throws it away.
Wine Merchant: I will get you a cask of our finest wine, yes I will!
The Merchant brings back a cask of wine, which has "Not Poison" written on it.
Dany: Oh, thank you! I know my husband will love this! He's quite an alcoholic.
Just then, Jorah returns.
Dany: Oh wow, that was quick. You must last shorter with those prostitutes than Drogo does with me.
Jorah: Huh?
Dany: Never mind.
Jorah: Hey Wine Merchant. That's a mighty fine looking wine you got there. How about you open the cask up and let me have a taste?
The Wine Merchant starts nervously sweating.
Wine Merchant: What? NO! Have this other cheap tourist wine I initially tried to offer her. This wine here is fit only for princesses like the Khaleesi! Not for common soldiers like you.
Jorah: Oh, I INSIST.
Jorah puts his hand on his sword.
Wine Merchant: You... you can't just pour this stuff out immediately. You have to open it and let it breath for a while Everybody knows that!
Jorah: I SAID POUR A GLASS FOR ME. In fact, pour two glasses. One for me and one for yourself.
Dany: Come on, Jorah. I'm not sure why you're being so persistent. I mean look, the wine has "Not Poison" written on it. Surely it's safe.
Jorah: If it's so safe, he should drink a bit then.
Wine Merchant: No!
Dany: Hrmmmm...... do as my knight commands you, silly merchant!
Wine Merchant: Yes, yes. Of course, Khaleesi.
The merchant begins to pour two glasses, but then half way through he throws the bottle at her and runs.
Dany dodges the bottle but almost falls down on her pregnant belly. Fortunately, Jorah grabs her before any harm can be done. The Dothraki servant Jhogo then trips the merchant up with his whip.
Jhogo: Like in Indiana Jones!!!
Given all the commotion caused, a bunch of merchant guards run up.
Captain of the Merchant Guards: Okay, okay. What happened here? No wait... let me guess... this asshole here trying to sell poison wine to assassinate someone AGAIN? Geez, Jeff! When will you ever learn?
Jeff, the Wine Merchant: *shrugs shoulders comically*
Dany: Ohmygawd Jorah, you saved my life! But how did you know?
Jorah: Uhh... because the letter I just got from Illyrio. It warned me that King Robert had put a hit out on you.
Dany: Oh wow, so you really WERE getting a letter from Illyrio rather than seeing a hooker? Now I feel silly.
Jorah: Yes. Really. It's not at all that I'm a spy for Westeros who wanted to go away while you were killed... but given my growing feelings for you I had a change of heart to save you.
Dany: Of course not, it couldn't be that at all. After all, I'm a child and you're a grown man. If you had sexual feelings for me it would be super gross and any fans who wanted to 'ship us would be pedophiles.
Jorah: *sweats nervously just like Jeff the Wine Merchant*
Captain of Merchant Guards: Well, let's have Jeff delivered to Drogo and see what the Khal wants to do with him for revenge. It will probably be something pretty sick. I totally want to watch.
Dany: All this excitement and the attempt to murder me makes me tired. I need to go back and rest.
And so Dany goes back to her tent to lay down. She dismisses everyone except for Jorah.
Jorah: Oh sweet. Alone time? I guess you really are grateful for me saving your life.
Dany: Huh? What was that you were saying, Jorah? Sorry, I was thinking. Thinking about that letter you received. What exactly did it say?
Jorah: Oh.. you wanted to talk about the letter? Damn it.
Jorah starts buttoning his pants back up.
Jorah: Illyrio said that King Robert had offered a lordship to anyone who could kill you and your son or your brother.
Dany: Hahaha, epic. So since Drogo already killed my brother I assume that means that the Usurper will be giving Drogo a lordship?
But despite her outward laughing at the situation, Dany is really shaken. She orders Jorah to leave and stares at her dragon eggs. Somehow, inside of her, she feels like the anger this assassination attempt has created in her has "woken the dragon," as her annoying brother would say if his face hadn't been melted off--
Jhogo: --Like in Indiana Jones!!!
Given her feeling, Dany cooks up a fire and throws the dragon eggs in it, thinking that will mean they will come to life. What a dumb ass!
Of course... nothing happens.
Later that night, Drogo comes back from hunting.
Drogo: Hey honey. Drogo miss anything?
Dany tells him everything.
Drogo: Hrm. This piss Drogo off. For helping save my wife, Drogo give Jorah and Jhogo gifts. New Playstation 4 Pro. But that not only gift Drogo give. Drogo also have gift for Drogo and Dan Ares Wife's unborn son, Ray Go. Ray Go is Stallion Who Mount World. For gift Drogo give his son the Seven Kingdoms. This gift also have number of sub-gifts. Sub-gifts include head of King Man Robert who usurp Dan Ares's father. Sub-gifts also include my khalasar ride west on wooden horses to kill all men in iron suits and tear down stone houses.Sub-gifts includes rape all Westeros women, take children as slaves, and bring stupid Westeros gods back to Vaes Dothrak to bow beneath Mother of Mountains.
Dany: Awww, thanks sweetie! *bats eyes*
And so Drogo orders his men to ride west - towards the coast and Westeros. The Wine Merchant, Jeff, is chained to the back of Dany's horse as they ride, being dragged along.
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