Tyrion and Bronn are traveling the insanely dangerous High Road between the Inn at the Crossroads and the Bloody Gate in the Vale of Arryn. It's where Tyrion and Bronn were attacked by the Vale mountain clans multiple times on their way to the Eyrie and where Tyrion lost an ear in battle. Now they have to do the same trek again... by themselves.
Tyrion: Fuck it's cold. Help me gather some wood so I can make a fire.
Bronn: Are you a moron? Making a fire will only attract all these clansmen. It will lead them right to us and they'll kill us all. What we need to do is ride through this road as fast as we can and get the hell out of here.
Tyrion: What's the point? The clansmen own this road. As two men alone we're doomed no matter how fast we go. We need a different strategy if we want to live.
Bronn: Okay Mr. Genius, what exactly is that strategy?
Tyrion: Go hunt and catch us some game and I'll tell you.
Bronn goes out and gets some game. It's The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
Tyrion: No, no, no. I mean the other type of game. I don't want to eat these Slim Jims and hard bread that Lysa gave us.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH!
Tyrion: What was that?
Bronn: Yeah, I heard it too. Some voice in the distance.
Tyrion: Anyway... what I mean is fetch us some animal to eat.
Bronn: How about instead I just take your horse and get the fuck out of here, abandoning you? What will happen then?
Tyrion: What will happen then is I die.
Bronn: Damn right you will, haha. Think I won't?
Tyrion: Oh, I think you'd let me die if it was in your best interest. You had previously been travelling with that other sellsword Chiggen and you let him die. Actually, you killed him. You told everyone that the clansmen killed him but you actually stuck a knife in him because he was wounded and he was slowing us all down. You look out for yourself. But that's cool, man. I get it. I don't need your friendship. I need your sword. And if it's in your best interest to protect me and make sure I live... then that's exactly what you'll do.
Bronn: Okay smartiepants, tell me what's in my best interest.
Tyrion: Well fuck... at first it was in your best interest to agree to Cat Stark's demand that I be taken prisoner at the Inn at the Crossroads. You could get some gold out of it. With a normal Lord you might even think of being knighted or becoming part of that Lord's household for helping out with such a task. But not with these Stark assholes. They're such tightass, "honorable" dicks that they'd never warm to a sellsword or take you on permanently. But then you realized that joining Team Lannister was the way to go. We got all the gold. Helping me out could work out to your advantage. That's why you volunteered to serve me in the trial by combat. You think you can get something from me. Land? Gold? Women? Sure enough... you can have it!
Bronn: Damn right.
Tyrion: If betraying me or leaving me behind worked out in your favor - you'd do it in a heartbeat. But remember this before you think of doing so. Whatever anyone else offers you to betray me... I promise that I will DOUBLE IT, no matter what.
Bronn: Shit man, that's all you had to say!
And within an hour Bronn is back after a hunt and has caught a goat. Bronn starts a fire (because Tyrion is too much of a rich and sheltered Lord to know how to start a fire himself) and they cook the goat and eat it.
Tyrion: After being starved for so many days by Lysa you'd think this would be the best meal I've ever had. But actually it's pretty stringy.
Bronn: Fuck you, man. Goat is all that's out here. You think there are a bunch of Waygu cattle roaming around this road with fabulously marbled oleaginous unsaturated fat? You're lucky I even got the goat. Maybe if you gave me a bag of gold like you have that dickwad Mord a bag of gold I'd have looked harder for a tastier animal.
Tyrion: A Lannister always pays his debts! You'll have a bag of gold and more.
Bronn: Fair enough. So what the fuck are we going to do when we get off of this shitty road?
Tyrion: Well, I don't know about you... but the first thing I'm going to do is a whore on a feather bed. From there, I dunno. Maybe go go King's Landing to figure out what is up with this knife thing. These assholes planted this knife and said I tried to murder that Stark boy. I need to figure out why they made up that story.
Bronn: Hahaha, whatever man! It's just me here, Ol' Bronn. You don't have to lie.
Tyrion: No, seriously! I want to find out who made up these stories about me trying to kill the boy.
Bronn: OH SHIT! So you actually ARE innocent?
Tyrion: Of course.
Bronn: Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Wow. You know, when I volunteered to fight for you, I was just thinking about all the gold you were going to give me after I won. I didn't even think about the possibility that you were actually innocent of the charges.
Tyrion: Well, I am. And damn... it sure is taking a while for these clansmen to attack us like is part of my brilliant plan when starting this fire to lure them in. Shouldn't they be here by now?
Bronn: They probably think it's some kind of trap. What kind of idiots would be stupid enough to start a fire and roast a goat here on the high road? This place is more dangerous than Detroit.
Tyrion: Well, if we're just going to sit around and kill time until we're attacked by clansmen, I might as well tell you the story about how I popped my cherry.
Bronn: Gross.
Tyrion: I was just a kid. 13 years old. And there was this girl named Tysha that was in danger. But me and my brother Jaime helped saved her. She was so grateful to me. After Jaime left I got drunk on wine and Tysha and I made sweet, sweet love. After that we got married in a secret ceremony and for a couple of weeks we lived as husband and wife. Some drunk Septon was stupid enough to marry us. But then the Septon got sober and told my father, Tywin. I was so embarrassed. But then Jaime admitted that Tysha was a whore and he set the whole thing up to get me laid. My dad laughed so fucking hard at how pathetic I was. He then paid Tysha a bunch of silver and had me watch as a bunch of dudes ran a train on her. One silver for each guy. Then my dad made me go last and get the sloppiest of sloppy seconds. Sloppy twentieths, really. But Tywin paid in gold for that one, saying that Lannisters were worth more.
Bronn:That is gross and fucked up. Also... what exactly is a "train?"
Tyrion: I'm not sure.
Bronn: If anyone did that to me... I'd kill him.
Tyrion: I just might. A Lannister always pays his debts! Why, I bet one day I'll shoot him while he sits on a toilet.
Bronn: That's a rather specific prediction.
Tyrion starts to doze off to sleep, dreaming he's back in the Sky Cells - but this time as the guard rather than the prisoner. Then he's awoken by Bronn nudging him.
Bronn: Uhhh... Tyrion.
Tyrion's eyes pop open and they are surrounded by a bunch of clansmen.
Tyrion: Oh, hey there guys! Please, share some goat with us.
Shagga: I am Shagga, son of Dolf.
Gunthor: I am Gunthor, son of Gurn.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH! I am Macho, son of Angelo Poffo. Did the Macho Man hear one of you talking about Slim Jims earlier?
Gunthor: You no offer us goat as gift, small half man. That not gift. That our goat. Half man steal from us. We are Stone Crows.
Tyrion: Oh, I'm so sorry. Please allow me to pay you for eating your goat. Also... Stone Crows. I like it. Band name?
Gunthor: What you pay with?
Tyrion: We have silver, weapons and armor.
Gunthor: No. WE STONE CROWS have silver, weapons and armor now. You in Stone Crow land so it belong to Stone Crows. You have nothing to offer but your lives, so that we shall take from your bodies. How you wish to die, half man?
Tyrion: How would I wish to die? Uhh... I'd like to die of a heart attack at 80 years old in my bed, drunk on wine during an orgy with a bunch of supermodels.
Randy Savage: Hahaha! THE MACHO MAN LIKES THIS HALF MAN! Let's keep him and kill the other guy with my Atomic Elbow Drop! This Half Man could definitely entertain us. I can't wait to introduce him to the lovely Miss Elizabeth!
Bronn: The hell you will kill me!
Bronn stands up and pulls out his sword.
Tyrion: No, Bronn. Wait. Surely there must be some deal we can make here. What is it that you need? My family is very rich and can get you whatever you want. Your weapons are poor. The armorers in Lannisport could make you much better weapons. Just let me and my friend live and it is done.
Gunthor: Stone Crows do need more gooder weapons. Help them kill better to feed starving wives and children. What else you give Stone Crows to live?
Tyrion: Oh... if you have starving wives and children I can offer you much better than just weapons. I can offer you shelter and homes... right here where you already live. I can offer you... the Vale of Arryn!!!
Tyrion: Fuck it's cold. Help me gather some wood so I can make a fire.
Bronn: Are you a moron? Making a fire will only attract all these clansmen. It will lead them right to us and they'll kill us all. What we need to do is ride through this road as fast as we can and get the hell out of here.
Tyrion: What's the point? The clansmen own this road. As two men alone we're doomed no matter how fast we go. We need a different strategy if we want to live.
Bronn: Okay Mr. Genius, what exactly is that strategy?
Tyrion: Go hunt and catch us some game and I'll tell you.
Bronn goes out and gets some game. It's The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
Tyrion: No, no, no. I mean the other type of game. I don't want to eat these Slim Jims and hard bread that Lysa gave us.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH!
Tyrion: What was that?
Bronn: Yeah, I heard it too. Some voice in the distance.
Tyrion: Anyway... what I mean is fetch us some animal to eat.
Bronn: How about instead I just take your horse and get the fuck out of here, abandoning you? What will happen then?
Tyrion: What will happen then is I die.
Bronn: Damn right you will, haha. Think I won't?
Tyrion: Oh, I think you'd let me die if it was in your best interest. You had previously been travelling with that other sellsword Chiggen and you let him die. Actually, you killed him. You told everyone that the clansmen killed him but you actually stuck a knife in him because he was wounded and he was slowing us all down. You look out for yourself. But that's cool, man. I get it. I don't need your friendship. I need your sword. And if it's in your best interest to protect me and make sure I live... then that's exactly what you'll do.
Bronn: Okay smartiepants, tell me what's in my best interest.
Tyrion: Well fuck... at first it was in your best interest to agree to Cat Stark's demand that I be taken prisoner at the Inn at the Crossroads. You could get some gold out of it. With a normal Lord you might even think of being knighted or becoming part of that Lord's household for helping out with such a task. But not with these Stark assholes. They're such tightass, "honorable" dicks that they'd never warm to a sellsword or take you on permanently. But then you realized that joining Team Lannister was the way to go. We got all the gold. Helping me out could work out to your advantage. That's why you volunteered to serve me in the trial by combat. You think you can get something from me. Land? Gold? Women? Sure enough... you can have it!
Bronn: Damn right.
Tyrion: If betraying me or leaving me behind worked out in your favor - you'd do it in a heartbeat. But remember this before you think of doing so. Whatever anyone else offers you to betray me... I promise that I will DOUBLE IT, no matter what.
Bronn: Shit man, that's all you had to say!
And within an hour Bronn is back after a hunt and has caught a goat. Bronn starts a fire (because Tyrion is too much of a rich and sheltered Lord to know how to start a fire himself) and they cook the goat and eat it.
Tyrion: After being starved for so many days by Lysa you'd think this would be the best meal I've ever had. But actually it's pretty stringy.
Bronn: Fuck you, man. Goat is all that's out here. You think there are a bunch of Waygu cattle roaming around this road with fabulously marbled oleaginous unsaturated fat? You're lucky I even got the goat. Maybe if you gave me a bag of gold like you have that dickwad Mord a bag of gold I'd have looked harder for a tastier animal.
Tyrion: A Lannister always pays his debts! You'll have a bag of gold and more.
Bronn: Fair enough. So what the fuck are we going to do when we get off of this shitty road?
Tyrion: Well, I don't know about you... but the first thing I'm going to do is a whore on a feather bed. From there, I dunno. Maybe go go King's Landing to figure out what is up with this knife thing. These assholes planted this knife and said I tried to murder that Stark boy. I need to figure out why they made up that story.
Bronn: Hahaha, whatever man! It's just me here, Ol' Bronn. You don't have to lie.
Tyrion: No, seriously! I want to find out who made up these stories about me trying to kill the boy.
Bronn: OH SHIT! So you actually ARE innocent?
Tyrion: Of course.
Bronn: Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Wow. You know, when I volunteered to fight for you, I was just thinking about all the gold you were going to give me after I won. I didn't even think about the possibility that you were actually innocent of the charges.
Tyrion: Well, I am. And damn... it sure is taking a while for these clansmen to attack us like is part of my brilliant plan when starting this fire to lure them in. Shouldn't they be here by now?
Bronn: They probably think it's some kind of trap. What kind of idiots would be stupid enough to start a fire and roast a goat here on the high road? This place is more dangerous than Detroit.
Tyrion: Well, if we're just going to sit around and kill time until we're attacked by clansmen, I might as well tell you the story about how I popped my cherry.
Bronn: Gross.
Tyrion: I was just a kid. 13 years old. And there was this girl named Tysha that was in danger. But me and my brother Jaime helped saved her. She was so grateful to me. After Jaime left I got drunk on wine and Tysha and I made sweet, sweet love. After that we got married in a secret ceremony and for a couple of weeks we lived as husband and wife. Some drunk Septon was stupid enough to marry us. But then the Septon got sober and told my father, Tywin. I was so embarrassed. But then Jaime admitted that Tysha was a whore and he set the whole thing up to get me laid. My dad laughed so fucking hard at how pathetic I was. He then paid Tysha a bunch of silver and had me watch as a bunch of dudes ran a train on her. One silver for each guy. Then my dad made me go last and get the sloppiest of sloppy seconds. Sloppy twentieths, really. But Tywin paid in gold for that one, saying that Lannisters were worth more.
Bronn:That is gross and fucked up. Also... what exactly is a "train?"
Tyrion: I'm not sure.
Bronn: If anyone did that to me... I'd kill him.
Tyrion: I just might. A Lannister always pays his debts! Why, I bet one day I'll shoot him while he sits on a toilet.
Bronn: That's a rather specific prediction.
Tyrion starts to doze off to sleep, dreaming he's back in the Sky Cells - but this time as the guard rather than the prisoner. Then he's awoken by Bronn nudging him.
Bronn: Uhhh... Tyrion.
Tyrion's eyes pop open and they are surrounded by a bunch of clansmen.
Tyrion: Oh, hey there guys! Please, share some goat with us.
Shagga: I am Shagga, son of Dolf.
Gunthor: I am Gunthor, son of Gurn.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH! I am Macho, son of Angelo Poffo. Did the Macho Man hear one of you talking about Slim Jims earlier?
Gunthor: You no offer us goat as gift, small half man. That not gift. That our goat. Half man steal from us. We are Stone Crows.
Tyrion: Oh, I'm so sorry. Please allow me to pay you for eating your goat. Also... Stone Crows. I like it. Band name?
Gunthor: What you pay with?
Tyrion: We have silver, weapons and armor.
Gunthor: No. WE STONE CROWS have silver, weapons and armor now. You in Stone Crow land so it belong to Stone Crows. You have nothing to offer but your lives, so that we shall take from your bodies. How you wish to die, half man?
Tyrion: How would I wish to die? Uhh... I'd like to die of a heart attack at 80 years old in my bed, drunk on wine during an orgy with a bunch of supermodels.
Randy Savage: Hahaha! THE MACHO MAN LIKES THIS HALF MAN! Let's keep him and kill the other guy with my Atomic Elbow Drop! This Half Man could definitely entertain us. I can't wait to introduce him to the lovely Miss Elizabeth!
Bronn: The hell you will kill me!
Bronn stands up and pulls out his sword.
Tyrion: No, Bronn. Wait. Surely there must be some deal we can make here. What is it that you need? My family is very rich and can get you whatever you want. Your weapons are poor. The armorers in Lannisport could make you much better weapons. Just let me and my friend live and it is done.
Gunthor: Stone Crows do need more gooder weapons. Help them kill better to feed starving wives and children. What else you give Stone Crows to live?
Tyrion: Oh... if you have starving wives and children I can offer you much better than just weapons. I can offer you shelter and homes... right here where you already live. I can offer you... the Vale of Arryn!!!
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