Dawn (the actual rising of the sun, not the sword) breaks in the Eyrie and Ser Rodrick (feeling much better after rest), comes to Cat with some updates and news.
Rodrick: M'lady. Word is that Jamie Lannister is forming an army at Casterly Rock. Your brother Edmure writes that he has taken control and commanded his lords to guard the Golden Tooth. Edmure declares that should any Lannister army pass into Tully land, the grass will be fertilized with their blood. Which is actually a pretty good fertilizer due to its high nitrogen count.
Cat: What? Edmure? Why is my brother and not my father not commanding the forces of Riverrun? Is father really that sick?
Rodrick: The letter made no mention of Lord Hoster's health, Lady Stark.
Cat: Man, I need to get out of this shit hole fast and deal with real problems. This trial is a farce and Lysa is still in denial that Tyrion totally pulled a fast one on her. I just want to get on a ship and sail back to Winterfell.
Rodrick: Ugh. Another sea voyage? I'm practically barfing just thinking about it.
Cat: Well come on, it's about time for the fight. We might as well get on with it.
Cat and Rodrick head out to meet up with Lysa in her chamber. She has the equivalent of box seats for the fight. But on the way, they run into Cat's uncle, Brynden the Blackfish.
Blackfish: Oh man, I feel like punching Lysa in the face. I asked her to give me some men to help defend the Riverlands. You know, her HOME where she is from. She said no. All to make sure her stupid kid has more men to protect him. Well you know what? I resigned as Knight of the Bloody Gate. I'm going to go home myself and defend it, even without her men.
Cat: Yeah, I agree with you. Dat bitch crazy. But how do you plan on getting to Riverrun? The road there is perilous with clansmen. There are so many clansmen you might think it's Charlottesville, VA. It would be safer for you to just sail back to Winterfell with me. I'll give you the thousand men there.
Blackfish: See? That's why you were always my favorite niece.
They then head together into Lysa's apartment. The apartment has a balcony that overlooks a grassy courtyard with statues. Within that courtyard is where the fight to determine Tyrion Lannister's fate will take place. There they find Lysa and that stupid kid Robert, sitting on a throne in a booster seat and watching some puppets. He is giggling like a twat.
Cat: Dear sister, I beg you not to go through with this. You have nothing to gain by Tyrion's death and everything to lose should he survive.
Lysa: Should he survive? Hahaha, that's nonsense. He's being defended by a common sellsword. I have a knight fighting on my side! The bravest and best knight in all the Vale!
Lyn Corbray: Yes, the Imp's head shall be but on a pike and serve as a warning to all others!
Cat: Who the fuck is Lyn Corbray? That sounds like some alias of Zartan that he'd have in some Cobra Command plot to blow up the Chunnel or something.
Lyn Corbray: I'm a potential suitor for your sister and one of the guys that volunteered to fight Tyrion when I thought I'd be fighting a dwarf rather than of a competent fighter.
Cat: Damn. Jon Arryn's body isn't even cold yet and Lysa already has suitors? Well, good luck, Lyn. It's always a bad idea to put your dick in crazy.
Lysa: Enough! This Imp killed my husband and I shall see him die. There is no talking me out of this fight.
Ser Rodrick pulls Cat aside.
Rodrick: Do you really think Tyrion is guilty?
Cat: Oh, I'm sure a Lannister is guilty. Which one, I don't know.
Rodrick: If Jon was indeed murdered it must have been by poison to make it look natural. Poison is a woman's weapon so it could be her. And dwarves are less than a real man, so they're sort of like women, so it could be the Imp too.
Cat: Wow, sexist and able-ist.
Rodrick: It wasn't Jaime though. That's not his style.
Their conversation is interrupted by young Robery Arryn squealing in delight at the puppet show. When Cat's boys were that age they were already fighting with wooden swords and hunting and shit.
Cat: That child is an undisciplined little bitch. He really should be taken away from Lysa, who coddles him.
Maester Colemon: Sorry, but I was listening in and I couldn't agree more. Jon agreed and said that Robert should be sent off to Dragonstone.
Cat: Uh, I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be Casterly Rock.
Colemon: No, no. I'm certain it was Dragonstone.
At any rate, the fight is about to begin and Tyrion is brought forward.
Robert Arryn: FLY! FLY! Make the little man fly!
Lysa: Soon, my sweet baby. Soon.
Next out come the fighters... Ser Vardis Egen and Bronn
Ser Vardis is clad in head to toe in the finest armor. He has huge kite shield as well as a large sword, specially designed for Lord Jon before his death.
Bronn, on the other hand, is wearing an adidas track suit.
Cat: I can't help but notice though, Bronn is 15 years younger and much taller, giving him better reach. And not only that - but Vardis looks uncomfortable with Jon's sword, this being the first time he's ever wielded it.
Septon: Let us all pray to the gods before this fight and have them render their divine judgment in the outcome of this battle.
Robert: No! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I want to see a fight!
Armorer: Bronn, Ser Vardis has a huge shield. Would you like one too?
Bronn: Nah.
Lysa: Okay, and to begin the fight, I have brought a special guest...
Michael Buffer: Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!!
Cat: Ugh. Really? Tacky AF. Is this 1996?
The fight begins. Ser Vardis starts attacking. Bronn keeps retreating.
Robert: Oh what the hell? This isn't a fight! That guy is just running away.
Lysa: Yes, he's a coward!
Cat: Actually, it's an incredibly intelligent strategy. Bronn is younger and not heavily armed. Meanwhile, Vardis is an older man wearing like 60 pounds of armor. Bronn is going to wear that old guy out fast. Plus Vayon is wearing a visor on his helmet that blocks about 60% of his view.
Cat is, of course, correct. She is a main character after all. Vardis gives chase to Bronn, going around and around. But Bronn dodges and twirls around the courtyard, using the statues there to protect and block him occasionally. Vardis takes a swing and knocks off a piece of statue.
The fight goes on for a while. So long, in fact, that Cat doesn't even pay attention and instead drifts off to daydream about when Littlefinger challenged Ned's older brother, Brandon Stark, for her hand. Baelish totally lost and got his ass kicked. That was the last time she saw Littlefinger until just recently. And that ass-kicking that Littlefinger got.. that's what Vardis was getting here.
But let's cut to the chase. Bronn is much faster and Vayon can't even see him that well through the visor. One of the statues begins to fall over in the combat and Bronn pushes it on Vardis, pinning him down. Bronn stabs him and the crowd goes silent. Well, except for this one dude.
Tyrion: WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Robert: Wait... what just happened? Do we get to see the little man fly now?
Lysa: Hrm, maybe. I kind of want to execute him anyway.
Tyrion: Oh wow. So much for the "honor" of the Vale, you bitter little cunt.
Everyone turns and stares at Lysa, looking at her with disgust. Some of them nod with Tyrion's words. Lysa knows she's totally fucked and has to let him go.
Lysa: FINE THEN. Imp, you're free! Free to get the hell out of the Vale. You and your sellsword will now be escorted beyond the Bloody Gate and left there to find your way back home.
Tyrion: Wait... what? But that's where all the wild clanspeople live. It would be impossible for Bronn and I to make the journey back to the Kingsroad alive without guards or help. This is a death sentence!
Lysa: Yeah... well... bye, Felicia.
Rodrick: M'lady. Word is that Jamie Lannister is forming an army at Casterly Rock. Your brother Edmure writes that he has taken control and commanded his lords to guard the Golden Tooth. Edmure declares that should any Lannister army pass into Tully land, the grass will be fertilized with their blood. Which is actually a pretty good fertilizer due to its high nitrogen count.
Cat: What? Edmure? Why is my brother and not my father not commanding the forces of Riverrun? Is father really that sick?
Rodrick: The letter made no mention of Lord Hoster's health, Lady Stark.
Cat: Man, I need to get out of this shit hole fast and deal with real problems. This trial is a farce and Lysa is still in denial that Tyrion totally pulled a fast one on her. I just want to get on a ship and sail back to Winterfell.
Rodrick: Ugh. Another sea voyage? I'm practically barfing just thinking about it.
Cat: Well come on, it's about time for the fight. We might as well get on with it.
Cat and Rodrick head out to meet up with Lysa in her chamber. She has the equivalent of box seats for the fight. But on the way, they run into Cat's uncle, Brynden the Blackfish.
Blackfish: Oh man, I feel like punching Lysa in the face. I asked her to give me some men to help defend the Riverlands. You know, her HOME where she is from. She said no. All to make sure her stupid kid has more men to protect him. Well you know what? I resigned as Knight of the Bloody Gate. I'm going to go home myself and defend it, even without her men.
Cat: Yeah, I agree with you. Dat bitch crazy. But how do you plan on getting to Riverrun? The road there is perilous with clansmen. There are so many clansmen you might think it's Charlottesville, VA. It would be safer for you to just sail back to Winterfell with me. I'll give you the thousand men there.
Blackfish: See? That's why you were always my favorite niece.
They then head together into Lysa's apartment. The apartment has a balcony that overlooks a grassy courtyard with statues. Within that courtyard is where the fight to determine Tyrion Lannister's fate will take place. There they find Lysa and that stupid kid Robert, sitting on a throne in a booster seat and watching some puppets. He is giggling like a twat.
Cat: Dear sister, I beg you not to go through with this. You have nothing to gain by Tyrion's death and everything to lose should he survive.
Lysa: Should he survive? Hahaha, that's nonsense. He's being defended by a common sellsword. I have a knight fighting on my side! The bravest and best knight in all the Vale!
Lyn Corbray: Yes, the Imp's head shall be but on a pike and serve as a warning to all others!
Cat: Who the fuck is Lyn Corbray? That sounds like some alias of Zartan that he'd have in some Cobra Command plot to blow up the Chunnel or something.
Lyn Corbray: I'm a potential suitor for your sister and one of the guys that volunteered to fight Tyrion when I thought I'd be fighting a dwarf rather than of a competent fighter.
Cat: Damn. Jon Arryn's body isn't even cold yet and Lysa already has suitors? Well, good luck, Lyn. It's always a bad idea to put your dick in crazy.
Lysa: Enough! This Imp killed my husband and I shall see him die. There is no talking me out of this fight.
Ser Rodrick pulls Cat aside.
Rodrick: Do you really think Tyrion is guilty?
Cat: Oh, I'm sure a Lannister is guilty. Which one, I don't know.
Rodrick: If Jon was indeed murdered it must have been by poison to make it look natural. Poison is a woman's weapon so it could be her. And dwarves are less than a real man, so they're sort of like women, so it could be the Imp too.
Cat: Wow, sexist and able-ist.
Rodrick: It wasn't Jaime though. That's not his style.
Their conversation is interrupted by young Robery Arryn squealing in delight at the puppet show. When Cat's boys were that age they were already fighting with wooden swords and hunting and shit.
Cat: That child is an undisciplined little bitch. He really should be taken away from Lysa, who coddles him.
Maester Colemon: Sorry, but I was listening in and I couldn't agree more. Jon agreed and said that Robert should be sent off to Dragonstone.
Cat: Uh, I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be Casterly Rock.
Colemon: No, no. I'm certain it was Dragonstone.
At any rate, the fight is about to begin and Tyrion is brought forward.
Robert Arryn: FLY! FLY! Make the little man fly!
Lysa: Soon, my sweet baby. Soon.
Next out come the fighters... Ser Vardis Egen and Bronn
Ser Vardis is clad in head to toe in the finest armor. He has huge kite shield as well as a large sword, specially designed for Lord Jon before his death.
Bronn, on the other hand, is wearing an adidas track suit.
Cat: I can't help but notice though, Bronn is 15 years younger and much taller, giving him better reach. And not only that - but Vardis looks uncomfortable with Jon's sword, this being the first time he's ever wielded it.
Septon: Let us all pray to the gods before this fight and have them render their divine judgment in the outcome of this battle.
Robert: No! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I want to see a fight!
Armorer: Bronn, Ser Vardis has a huge shield. Would you like one too?
Bronn: Nah.
Lysa: Okay, and to begin the fight, I have brought a special guest...
Michael Buffer: Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!!
Cat: Ugh. Really? Tacky AF. Is this 1996?
The fight begins. Ser Vardis starts attacking. Bronn keeps retreating.
Robert: Oh what the hell? This isn't a fight! That guy is just running away.
Lysa: Yes, he's a coward!
Cat: Actually, it's an incredibly intelligent strategy. Bronn is younger and not heavily armed. Meanwhile, Vardis is an older man wearing like 60 pounds of armor. Bronn is going to wear that old guy out fast. Plus Vayon is wearing a visor on his helmet that blocks about 60% of his view.
Cat is, of course, correct. She is a main character after all. Vardis gives chase to Bronn, going around and around. But Bronn dodges and twirls around the courtyard, using the statues there to protect and block him occasionally. Vardis takes a swing and knocks off a piece of statue.
The fight goes on for a while. So long, in fact, that Cat doesn't even pay attention and instead drifts off to daydream about when Littlefinger challenged Ned's older brother, Brandon Stark, for her hand. Baelish totally lost and got his ass kicked. That was the last time she saw Littlefinger until just recently. And that ass-kicking that Littlefinger got.. that's what Vardis was getting here.
But let's cut to the chase. Bronn is much faster and Vayon can't even see him that well through the visor. One of the statues begins to fall over in the combat and Bronn pushes it on Vardis, pinning him down. Bronn stabs him and the crowd goes silent. Well, except for this one dude.
Tyrion: WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Robert: Wait... what just happened? Do we get to see the little man fly now?
Lysa: Hrm, maybe. I kind of want to execute him anyway.
Tyrion: Oh wow. So much for the "honor" of the Vale, you bitter little cunt.
Everyone turns and stares at Lysa, looking at her with disgust. Some of them nod with Tyrion's words. Lysa knows she's totally fucked and has to let him go.
Lysa: FINE THEN. Imp, you're free! Free to get the hell out of the Vale. You and your sellsword will now be escorted beyond the Bloody Gate and left there to find your way back home.
Tyrion: Wait... what? But that's where all the wild clanspeople live. It would be impossible for Bronn and I to make the journey back to the Kingsroad alive without guards or help. This is a death sentence!
Lysa: Yeah... well... bye, Felicia.
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