Dany sits town at the table for a snack.
Dany: Gosh, I am FAMISHED. You know us pregnant ladies, right? Always hungry! And with these strange cravings for stuff like ketchup on mashed potatoes or pickled beets and eggs. I wonder what tasty snack Drogo's slaves have prepared for me as part of this pregnancy ritual.
The slave throws a raw, bloody, still-steaming stallion's heart on her plate.
Dany: Oh.
Dany tries to eat it. But it's all chewy, stringy and gross. Still, she knows she has to. It's, like, a Dothraki tradition or something. It's as important to Dothraki culture as boneless, skinless, unseasoned chicken breast is to white people culture. If she throws it up that would be a bad omen and would indicate that her child might be born with some horrible, insurmountable difficulty in life like being weak, crippled, or a woman.
Dany: Wow, that is SEXIST AF. Also, does anyone have some HP sauce? Or maybe some Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ?
Khal Drogo stands over her, staring at her while she eats it. Although the Dothraki know that Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ is delicious, is also forbidden in this particular ceremony. His eyes are stern and focused but he says nothing.
Dany: That's cool, honey. Just stare right into my soul as I do this. That's not creepy or unnerving.
She eventually finishes it all, and then recites some words in Dothraki that she was supposed to say.
Here in Vaes Dothrak, the town is essentially run by a bunch of old crones who used to be wives of Khals. Once the Khals die, the wives are forced to come here as part of the Khal corporate retirement package. It's non-negotiable. The crones really have nothing to do other that sit around fires and talk about prophesies and omens. So the crones watch as Dany finishes and recites her words. She ate it all with the exception of some blood smeared on her face that makes her look like Bear Grylls. The crones confer with one another to determine if Dany did a good enough job of eating the heart. Since Dany didn't throw up and said her words right...
Crones: It's a boy!
Everyone freaks out and celebrates like that's the best news ever.
Dany: Still sexist and probably not the most accurate form of sex determination. Could we get an ultrasound or something else instead?
Crones: He will be the Stallion that Mounts the World! The great prophesied one!
Dany: Well, I guess if everyone is certain it's a boy I'll go ahead with my planned boy name: Rhaego.
Drogo: Me husband to Dan Ares very pleased by heart eating but also confused. What does "Ray Go" mean?
Dany: Oh dear honey, thanks so much for trying to speak in my language. It's so cute but you sounds like a 4 year old and you're the one in this relationship who is the pedophile, not me. And "Rhaego" is named after my older brother, Rhaegar. He was a fierce and awesome warrior.
Drogo: But "Go" part of "Ray Go" still named after me, Dro Go, right?
Dany: Sure, let's go ahead and say "yes."
Drogo: I like. It good name. Especially "Go" part. Now Dan Ares wife and Dro Go husband talk about middle name. Dro Go like "Alex" but could be okay with "Henry."
Dany: Let's save that conversation for later, babe.
Dany then heads into the Womb of the World, which is really just a white trash above-ground pool from Walmart. But when you call it "Womb of the World" it sounds mystical and like an important part of the birthing ritual. There she cleans herself off from all that horse blood and otherwise gets ready.
When she comes out she sees her husband standing there with a hard-on. He grabs her and in three pulses he's finished.
Dany: Hahaha, not the first time that's happened. Guess eating bloody horse hearts really turns you on?
Drogo: Dro Go take nap now.
Dany: Typical.
Later they ride down to a feast in honor of the baby. As they ride, people all celebrate the child growing in Dany. Dany dismounts and gets ready for dinner.
Dany: Hey, where the hell is my brother anyway?
Jorah: Viserys is probably out getting drunk and crying right now, as he has been doing the last several days because he is pathetic.
Dany: Oh no! He went out alone without your protection? But you know that usurper to the Iron Throne has sent out men to kill us! He could be in danger.
Jorah: Who cares? Uhhh.... I mean Viserys is safe, Khaleesi. In this city no man can carry a sword and no blood is allowed to be shed. And by the way, the nuances in that last sentence were very important for the end of this chapter so make sure you treat them with the proper regard they deserve.
Dany: My brother can still die without swords. Haven't you seen those crazy giant eunuchs? They say that those silk scarves they wear are to strangle people to death with. Then BAM - you got a dead person with no sword and no blood shed.
Jorah: Hey, if that happens it happens. Viserys is a punk. You know I caught him trying to steal your dragon eggs. He wanted to sell them to merchants in order to raise money for his army.
Dany: WHAT?! Oh no! That's terrible. If he wanted to sell one of my dragon eggs then he should have just asked. I would have given it to him. I mean they're pretty to look at but they're essentially fancy paper weights, right? They don't do anything. It's not like they are alive eggs that could actually hatch baby dragons. Viserys is family and family is important to me. I would never betray family. Ever. Especially not by the end of this chapter.
Jorah: That's all fine and well, Khaleesi. But Viserys is not your family anymore. The Dothraki are your family.
Dany: Jorah, that's not how families work.
Drogo arrives and they sit, the feast beginning.
Dany: Mmm, no offense but that horse heart stuff was nonsense. I'm about to chow down on this real food. But hey husband, let's have some small talk while we feast. Who is this "Horse that Mounts the World" that everyone was talking about?
Drogo: He most powerful Khal in history. Khal of all Khals. Ray Go will unite all Dothraki and conquer all world.
Dany: Oh shit, that's a pretty high expectation for our kid. I was hoping for maybe a doctor or something. So I guess we should already be thinking about Little League?
Doreah (Remember? Dany's sex instructor) then interrupts.
Doreah: Hey Dany, look over there. Your stupid brother just arrived, drunk and fighting people.
Viserys: Get out of The Dragon's way, you filthy savage scum! How dare you start this feast before the Dragon arrives! The Dragon is the King!
Dany: *sigh*
Viserys then tries to sit with the other Khals at the big high table, but they block him.
Viserys: What the hell? The Dragon is the KING! He will sit at the highest spot and all will bow to him!
Drogo: No. Cart King sit over there. Not here.
Drogo points to the table at the back of the room where the people who were invited out of formality (but weren't expected to actually show up) are always put together. You know, like the people at a wedding that get a sympathy invite but the unwritten context is "please don't come" and yet they're not smart enough to get that and RSVP anyway. Yep, Viserys is at the "old friends from work" table.
Viserys pulls out his sword.
Viserys: The Dragon will sit at the big table with the important people! The Dragon was promised a crown! We had a deal here. The Dragon's sister for a crown and army. If Khal Smelly here doesn't give The Dragon a crown then The Dragon will take back what he gave him!
He grabs onto his Dany and points his sword at her belly.
Viserys: The Dragon doesn't need this gross barbarian baby though. The Dragon would be happy to cut it out and give it to the Khal.
Drogo stares intensely but his Westerosi tongue isn't all that good. Viserys was speaking fast and slurred in his drunkenness, so Drogo stares at Jhiqui to translate for him.
Jhiqui: Whoa, whoa, whoaaaaah! Look. I am GLAD I am in this chapter and haven't been completely forgotten about since my role is the translator and yet everyone else seems to translate instead of me. But I am NOT translating that. Drogo will cut my head off if I repeat what this guy said.
Dany: I can translate instead.
Dany tells her husband what her brother said. Drogo nods and listens attentively.
Drogo: Hrm. Really? What? No! Oh... I see. Well.... Dro Go understand what Sore Foot King and Cart King has to say. Deal is deal and Khal Dro Go give you crown.
Viserys: THANK YOU! That's all the Dragon ever wanted!
Drogo: If by "crown" Cart King mean molten hot gold that I pour on head.
Viserys: Yeah, sure. That sounds fi-HEEEEEEEEEEEY! Wait a minute!
The Khal's bloodriders surround Viserys and hold him down. They break his arm and take his sword. They ready a hot pot (but not the delicious soup kind).
Drogo begins to take off all his gold chains that he won when he bested Mr. T in a battle. He throws them in the pot and they melt down like Velveeta (IT'S LIQUID GOLD, PEOPLE!). The bloodriders put on some oven mitts to hold onto the pot and then pour it on Viserys's head.
Viserys: AGHHH! AGHHH! NO!!! THE DRAGON CAN'T DIE! THE DRAGON IS AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER! EVERYBODY LOVES THE DRAGON SPEAKING IN THIRD PERSON! AGHHHH!!
Drogo: See? Vaes Dothrak technicality. We make rule for no killing that say no sword and no blood. But we no use sword and hot metal immediately cauterize wound meaning no blood. Heat cause coagulation that make no bleed with trade off of massive tissue damage and in this case death. It called "loop hole" in no kill rule.
Dany: Wow honey, I'm so proud of how your common tongue is coming along. "Cauterize" and "coagulation" are pretty fancy words.
Doreah: Shouldn't you be sadder about your brother having his face melted off in front of you?
Dany: Meh. He was no real dragon. Real dragons can't be killed by fire!
Jhiqui: That wasn't fire though. That was gold heated to above 1337 Kelvin.
Dany: 1337? Really, Jhiqui? Do you translate leetspeak as well?
Jhiqui: LOLZ. \/1$3r'/$ got pwnd.
Dany: Never do that again.
Jhiqui: Yes, Khaleesi. My apologies.
Dany: Gosh, I am FAMISHED. You know us pregnant ladies, right? Always hungry! And with these strange cravings for stuff like ketchup on mashed potatoes or pickled beets and eggs. I wonder what tasty snack Drogo's slaves have prepared for me as part of this pregnancy ritual.
The slave throws a raw, bloody, still-steaming stallion's heart on her plate.
Dany: Oh.
Dany tries to eat it. But it's all chewy, stringy and gross. Still, she knows she has to. It's, like, a Dothraki tradition or something. It's as important to Dothraki culture as boneless, skinless, unseasoned chicken breast is to white people culture. If she throws it up that would be a bad omen and would indicate that her child might be born with some horrible, insurmountable difficulty in life like being weak, crippled, or a woman.
Dany: Wow, that is SEXIST AF. Also, does anyone have some HP sauce? Or maybe some Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ?
Khal Drogo stands over her, staring at her while she eats it. Although the Dothraki know that Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ is delicious, is also forbidden in this particular ceremony. His eyes are stern and focused but he says nothing.
Dany: That's cool, honey. Just stare right into my soul as I do this. That's not creepy or unnerving.
She eventually finishes it all, and then recites some words in Dothraki that she was supposed to say.
Here in Vaes Dothrak, the town is essentially run by a bunch of old crones who used to be wives of Khals. Once the Khals die, the wives are forced to come here as part of the Khal corporate retirement package. It's non-negotiable. The crones really have nothing to do other that sit around fires and talk about prophesies and omens. So the crones watch as Dany finishes and recites her words. She ate it all with the exception of some blood smeared on her face that makes her look like Bear Grylls. The crones confer with one another to determine if Dany did a good enough job of eating the heart. Since Dany didn't throw up and said her words right...
Crones: It's a boy!
Everyone freaks out and celebrates like that's the best news ever.
Dany: Still sexist and probably not the most accurate form of sex determination. Could we get an ultrasound or something else instead?
Crones: He will be the Stallion that Mounts the World! The great prophesied one!
Dany: Well, I guess if everyone is certain it's a boy I'll go ahead with my planned boy name: Rhaego.
Drogo: Me husband to Dan Ares very pleased by heart eating but also confused. What does "Ray Go" mean?
Dany: Oh dear honey, thanks so much for trying to speak in my language. It's so cute but you sounds like a 4 year old and you're the one in this relationship who is the pedophile, not me. And "Rhaego" is named after my older brother, Rhaegar. He was a fierce and awesome warrior.
Drogo: But "Go" part of "Ray Go" still named after me, Dro Go, right?
Dany: Sure, let's go ahead and say "yes."
Drogo: I like. It good name. Especially "Go" part. Now Dan Ares wife and Dro Go husband talk about middle name. Dro Go like "Alex" but could be okay with "Henry."
Dany: Let's save that conversation for later, babe.
Dany then heads into the Womb of the World, which is really just a white trash above-ground pool from Walmart. But when you call it "Womb of the World" it sounds mystical and like an important part of the birthing ritual. There she cleans herself off from all that horse blood and otherwise gets ready.
When she comes out she sees her husband standing there with a hard-on. He grabs her and in three pulses he's finished.
Dany: Hahaha, not the first time that's happened. Guess eating bloody horse hearts really turns you on?
Drogo: Dro Go take nap now.
Dany: Typical.
Later they ride down to a feast in honor of the baby. As they ride, people all celebrate the child growing in Dany. Dany dismounts and gets ready for dinner.
Dany: Hey, where the hell is my brother anyway?
Jorah: Viserys is probably out getting drunk and crying right now, as he has been doing the last several days because he is pathetic.
Dany: Oh no! He went out alone without your protection? But you know that usurper to the Iron Throne has sent out men to kill us! He could be in danger.
Jorah: Who cares? Uhhh.... I mean Viserys is safe, Khaleesi. In this city no man can carry a sword and no blood is allowed to be shed. And by the way, the nuances in that last sentence were very important for the end of this chapter so make sure you treat them with the proper regard they deserve.
Dany: My brother can still die without swords. Haven't you seen those crazy giant eunuchs? They say that those silk scarves they wear are to strangle people to death with. Then BAM - you got a dead person with no sword and no blood shed.
Jorah: Hey, if that happens it happens. Viserys is a punk. You know I caught him trying to steal your dragon eggs. He wanted to sell them to merchants in order to raise money for his army.
Dany: WHAT?! Oh no! That's terrible. If he wanted to sell one of my dragon eggs then he should have just asked. I would have given it to him. I mean they're pretty to look at but they're essentially fancy paper weights, right? They don't do anything. It's not like they are alive eggs that could actually hatch baby dragons. Viserys is family and family is important to me. I would never betray family. Ever. Especially not by the end of this chapter.
Jorah: That's all fine and well, Khaleesi. But Viserys is not your family anymore. The Dothraki are your family.
Dany: Jorah, that's not how families work.
Drogo arrives and they sit, the feast beginning.
Dany: Mmm, no offense but that horse heart stuff was nonsense. I'm about to chow down on this real food. But hey husband, let's have some small talk while we feast. Who is this "Horse that Mounts the World" that everyone was talking about?
Drogo: He most powerful Khal in history. Khal of all Khals. Ray Go will unite all Dothraki and conquer all world.
Dany: Oh shit, that's a pretty high expectation for our kid. I was hoping for maybe a doctor or something. So I guess we should already be thinking about Little League?
Doreah (Remember? Dany's sex instructor) then interrupts.
Doreah: Hey Dany, look over there. Your stupid brother just arrived, drunk and fighting people.
Viserys: Get out of The Dragon's way, you filthy savage scum! How dare you start this feast before the Dragon arrives! The Dragon is the King!
Dany: *sigh*
Viserys then tries to sit with the other Khals at the big high table, but they block him.
Viserys: What the hell? The Dragon is the KING! He will sit at the highest spot and all will bow to him!
Drogo: No. Cart King sit over there. Not here.
Drogo points to the table at the back of the room where the people who were invited out of formality (but weren't expected to actually show up) are always put together. You know, like the people at a wedding that get a sympathy invite but the unwritten context is "please don't come" and yet they're not smart enough to get that and RSVP anyway. Yep, Viserys is at the "old friends from work" table.
Viserys pulls out his sword.
Viserys: The Dragon will sit at the big table with the important people! The Dragon was promised a crown! We had a deal here. The Dragon's sister for a crown and army. If Khal Smelly here doesn't give The Dragon a crown then The Dragon will take back what he gave him!
He grabs onto his Dany and points his sword at her belly.
Viserys: The Dragon doesn't need this gross barbarian baby though. The Dragon would be happy to cut it out and give it to the Khal.
Drogo stares intensely but his Westerosi tongue isn't all that good. Viserys was speaking fast and slurred in his drunkenness, so Drogo stares at Jhiqui to translate for him.
Jhiqui: Whoa, whoa, whoaaaaah! Look. I am GLAD I am in this chapter and haven't been completely forgotten about since my role is the translator and yet everyone else seems to translate instead of me. But I am NOT translating that. Drogo will cut my head off if I repeat what this guy said.
Dany: I can translate instead.
Dany tells her husband what her brother said. Drogo nods and listens attentively.
Drogo: Hrm. Really? What? No! Oh... I see. Well.... Dro Go understand what Sore Foot King and Cart King has to say. Deal is deal and Khal Dro Go give you crown.
Viserys: THANK YOU! That's all the Dragon ever wanted!
Drogo: If by "crown" Cart King mean molten hot gold that I pour on head.
Viserys: Yeah, sure. That sounds fi-HEEEEEEEEEEEY! Wait a minute!
The Khal's bloodriders surround Viserys and hold him down. They break his arm and take his sword. They ready a hot pot (but not the delicious soup kind).
Drogo begins to take off all his gold chains that he won when he bested Mr. T in a battle. He throws them in the pot and they melt down like Velveeta (IT'S LIQUID GOLD, PEOPLE!). The bloodriders put on some oven mitts to hold onto the pot and then pour it on Viserys's head.
Viserys: AGHHH! AGHHH! NO!!! THE DRAGON CAN'T DIE! THE DRAGON IS AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER! EVERYBODY LOVES THE DRAGON SPEAKING IN THIRD PERSON! AGHHHH!!
Drogo: See? Vaes Dothrak technicality. We make rule for no killing that say no sword and no blood. But we no use sword and hot metal immediately cauterize wound meaning no blood. Heat cause coagulation that make no bleed with trade off of massive tissue damage and in this case death. It called "loop hole" in no kill rule.
Dany: Wow honey, I'm so proud of how your common tongue is coming along. "Cauterize" and "coagulation" are pretty fancy words.
Doreah: Shouldn't you be sadder about your brother having his face melted off in front of you?
Dany: Meh. He was no real dragon. Real dragons can't be killed by fire!
Jhiqui: That wasn't fire though. That was gold heated to above 1337 Kelvin.
Dany: 1337? Really, Jhiqui? Do you translate leetspeak as well?
Jhiqui: LOLZ. \/1$3r'/$ got pwnd.
Dany: Never do that again.
Jhiqui: Yes, Khaleesi. My apologies.
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