It's breakfast. Jon is eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Sam: Jon! JON! I have amazing news! I got passed out of training and now I'm to work for Maester Aemon as his new assistant to read and write and play with his birds and shit.
Jon: Oh wow, really? WHAT A TOTAL SURPRISE THAT I DID NOT FORESEE COMING.
Sam: Why are you talking in allcaps?
Jon: How do you know I'm talking in allcaps?
Sam: I'm the narrator of this entire series.
Jon: That's only an unproven fan theory at this time.
Sam: Whatever. Anyway, we better get to the sept in time so that we can swear our oaths to join the Night's Watch.
They run to the sept. Some of the other dudes are surprised to see Sam but nobody mentions it because this whole thing is already awkward enough.
Jeor Mormont: Okay, this is it, kiddos. If anyone wants to back away now and not say your oaths - this is your chance. Because once you do the oath you're in. And you're in for life. If you try to leave the Watch then you'll be a traitor and we can kill you. And the gods know that Alliser Thorne probably wants to kill most of you.
But nobody takes up Jeor's offer to back away from the Watch now. Probably because most of them are criminals who will be executed if they don't join. So there's that. Not Jon though - he's joining this thing in a totally voluntary way because he 100% knows for sure that he'd never, ever, EVER try to leave the Watch for any reason at all.
Mormont: Oh shit... I forgot... before I make all of you swear right here in the sept, I better check and make sure you're all actually people who believe in that Faith of the Seven bullshit. Nobody here are Jehovah's Witnesses or anything, right? I assume no, because I don't see any of you standing around street corners or outside of mass transit stations with those signboards.
Jon: Uhhhh....... I follow the Old Gods. You know, the REAL ones that actually exist. I'm going to need to take my oath in front of a tree with a bleeding face carved into it because that obviously makes sense.
Sam: And I'm a Buddhist. But that "swearing to a tree" shit sounds like some badass druid metal stuff. So I'll go with Jon.
Mormont: Well, okay then. Before we go to the swearing in stuff... it's time for everybody's favorite part of the initiation... the NIGHT'S WATCH DRAFT!!!!
The lights dim and a disco ball drops, filling the room with momentary sparkles. The lights go back up and we now see the announcer's table set up.
Mike Tirico: This is Mike Tirico here, alongside Shaquille O'Neal. And we're here to announce the 298 AC Night's Watch Draft.
Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.
Mike Tirico: And as we'll all heard by now, the Rangers have won the lottery to have the first pick of the draft. Lord Commander Mormont is already up at the podium, ready to announce the pick. Let's go to him now.
Mormont: And for the first pick of the 298 AC Night's Watch Draft, the Rangers select... Grenn!!!
Grenn jumps up and pumps his fists in the air. He walks up and Mormont hands him a Rangers jersey which is, obviously, black like all other jerseys in the Night's Watch.
Mike Tirico: Wow! An amazing upset here, folks. I think a lot of people were predicting Jon Snow as the first pick, but it instead goes to "Aurochs" Grenn. Any thoughts on this, Shaq?
Shaq: Turn off your pain... with Icy Hot!
And so the draft continues. With Pyp, Todder, and Matthar also going to the Rangers; Halder and Albett being selected by the Builders; Allen Iverson going to the Philadelphia 76ers; and Sam, Dareon, and Jon going to the Stewards.
Jon: WHAT?! The STEWARDS?! THE FUCKING STEWARDS?! No way! I refuse to sign with them. This is a conspiracy against me! I know Thorne must be behind this.
Pyp: Oh geez, Jon. Don't be a little bitch like Eli Manning when he got picked by the Chargers. Nobody is going to respect you.
Bowen Marsh: Okay everybody, you heard who picked you. Now go take up your new assignments. Sam, you're replacing Chett Duke as Maester Aemon's new bitch boy. Chett is now demoted to the kennels.
Chett: Golly-gee! I'm going to be spending all my time groomin' Sheriff Roscoe P. Coletrane's lazy basset hound, Velvet Ears! But it's okay. That ol' hound really likes us Duke boys and is always barkin at Boss Hogg. That's one smart hound, if I do say so myself!
Clydas: Aww, I'm going to miss you, Chett! You must be pretty angry at Sam taking your job from you.
Chett: That's right! I'm mighty angry! It really dills my pickle. In about two books or so, I'll swear to get my revenge on that Samwell Tarley!
Chett then spits his chew into an old jar and it goes "ding."
Bowen Marsh: Oh, and some other assignments. Dareon the Singer, you're being sent to Eastwatch to help out Cotter Pyke. And Jon Snow... you're to be Lord Mormont's personal steward.
Dareon: Sweet! I'm an important enough of a character to have my specific assignment mentioned in this chapter. I'm obviously going to be super relevant in the stories to come!
He won't. You won't hear from him again until A Feast for Crows.
Dareon: Damnit!
Jon: This is such bullshit! Steward? Steward? Really? Does the Night's Watch take me for some kind of shitty servant?
Sam: Hey, I'm a Steward and I'm standing right here, man.
Maester Aemon then shows up, being all boss.
Aemon: I might be blind, but I'm not deaf. I heard that, Snow. You're asking if we take you for a servant? No. We took you for a MAN who would nut up and do what he was told. But maybe we were wrong. Perhaps the Stewards should trade you to the Denver Nuggets.
Jon: Uhm, nah. That's okay.
Jon still storms out, complaining about the pick. In the yard, he's still bitching about it when Sam walks up to him.
Jon: Life sucks. What am I supposed to do? Wipe Mormont's butt for him and fetch his food? I'm the best swordsman here. I should be a Ranger!
Sam: Jon, you dumb little shit. Don't you see what's happening here? Mormont is the Lord Commander. He personally picked you to be by his side! To see all the messages he gets. To be there when he makes decisions. To be there when he gives the orders. You'll be everywhere with him. You're going to be his main man. Back when my dad still wanted me to be his heir, that's what he had me do. He made me come along to all his stupid meetings and be by him. He was training me! But then he gave up on me and didn't care if I came with him anymore. Mormont isn't making you his lackey... he's preparing you!
Jon: Preparing me for what?
Sam: Duh. To take his place... to be the next Lord Commander one day!
Jon is shocked. He never thought about that. Because he's a fucking dumbass.
Jon: Sam... you're... you're... right. I'm such a fool. Come on, let's go to the woods and swear our oaths now and I'll stop being such an annoying, whiny bitch.
Sam: Unlikely.
Jon: Huh?
Sam: I didn't say anything.
They head off to the haunted woods, north of the Wall. To get there, they go through a twisting tunnel through the Wall protected by three different gates that Bowen Marsh has to unlock. After they are out, they still have to ride a bit longer until they get to the weirwoods.
Sam: I'm scared.
Jon: Of course you are, you craven bastard. What are you scared of this time? Heart disease?
Sam: Wildlings!
Jon: Wildlings never come this close to the Wall. They know better. Besides, I brought Ghost with me. He'll protect us.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I am hungry. I can't wait to find something to eat].
They reach the woods and kneel down before a weirwood tree.
Jon and Sam: Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. Like if I get stabbed and die but am somehow magically brought back to life then it's okay for me to leave because I technically died. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sex with Wildling girls. I just won't marry them or have kids with them. It's a technicality. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. Probably. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. Maybe metaphorically a sword or maybe more literally like the living personification of Lightbringer or something like that. But probably just metaphorically. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the sand in the hourglass, the spoon that stirs the honey in the hot tea, the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp Ba Bomp Ba Bomp and who put the Ram in the Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. Play ball.
Bowen March: Now rise, as MEN of the Night's Watch. Also, I see you guys added a couple of ad-libs in there but I'm going to let it slide because it's really fucking cold and I want to get heading back now.
But as they are about to turn and leave, Ghost comes running up with something in his mouth.
Jon: Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You get a squirrel, Ghost? Huh? You get a rabbit?
Ghost wags his tail and drops his catch at the feet of his master.
It's a human hand.
Jon: Oh wow.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: So I can eat this, right?]
Sam: Jon! JON! I have amazing news! I got passed out of training and now I'm to work for Maester Aemon as his new assistant to read and write and play with his birds and shit.
Jon: Oh wow, really? WHAT A TOTAL SURPRISE THAT I DID NOT FORESEE COMING.
Sam: Why are you talking in allcaps?
Jon: How do you know I'm talking in allcaps?
Sam: I'm the narrator of this entire series.
Jon: That's only an unproven fan theory at this time.
Sam: Whatever. Anyway, we better get to the sept in time so that we can swear our oaths to join the Night's Watch.
They run to the sept. Some of the other dudes are surprised to see Sam but nobody mentions it because this whole thing is already awkward enough.
Jeor Mormont: Okay, this is it, kiddos. If anyone wants to back away now and not say your oaths - this is your chance. Because once you do the oath you're in. And you're in for life. If you try to leave the Watch then you'll be a traitor and we can kill you. And the gods know that Alliser Thorne probably wants to kill most of you.
But nobody takes up Jeor's offer to back away from the Watch now. Probably because most of them are criminals who will be executed if they don't join. So there's that. Not Jon though - he's joining this thing in a totally voluntary way because he 100% knows for sure that he'd never, ever, EVER try to leave the Watch for any reason at all.
Mormont: Oh shit... I forgot... before I make all of you swear right here in the sept, I better check and make sure you're all actually people who believe in that Faith of the Seven bullshit. Nobody here are Jehovah's Witnesses or anything, right? I assume no, because I don't see any of you standing around street corners or outside of mass transit stations with those signboards.
Jon: Uhhhh....... I follow the Old Gods. You know, the REAL ones that actually exist. I'm going to need to take my oath in front of a tree with a bleeding face carved into it because that obviously makes sense.
Sam: And I'm a Buddhist. But that "swearing to a tree" shit sounds like some badass druid metal stuff. So I'll go with Jon.
Mormont: Well, okay then. Before we go to the swearing in stuff... it's time for everybody's favorite part of the initiation... the NIGHT'S WATCH DRAFT!!!!
The lights dim and a disco ball drops, filling the room with momentary sparkles. The lights go back up and we now see the announcer's table set up.
Mike Tirico: This is Mike Tirico here, alongside Shaquille O'Neal. And we're here to announce the 298 AC Night's Watch Draft.
Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.
Mike Tirico: And as we'll all heard by now, the Rangers have won the lottery to have the first pick of the draft. Lord Commander Mormont is already up at the podium, ready to announce the pick. Let's go to him now.
Mormont: And for the first pick of the 298 AC Night's Watch Draft, the Rangers select... Grenn!!!
Grenn jumps up and pumps his fists in the air. He walks up and Mormont hands him a Rangers jersey which is, obviously, black like all other jerseys in the Night's Watch.
Mike Tirico: Wow! An amazing upset here, folks. I think a lot of people were predicting Jon Snow as the first pick, but it instead goes to "Aurochs" Grenn. Any thoughts on this, Shaq?
Shaq: Turn off your pain... with Icy Hot!
And so the draft continues. With Pyp, Todder, and Matthar also going to the Rangers; Halder and Albett being selected by the Builders; Allen Iverson going to the Philadelphia 76ers; and Sam, Dareon, and Jon going to the Stewards.
Jon: WHAT?! The STEWARDS?! THE FUCKING STEWARDS?! No way! I refuse to sign with them. This is a conspiracy against me! I know Thorne must be behind this.
Pyp: Oh geez, Jon. Don't be a little bitch like Eli Manning when he got picked by the Chargers. Nobody is going to respect you.
Bowen Marsh: Okay everybody, you heard who picked you. Now go take up your new assignments. Sam, you're replacing Chett Duke as Maester Aemon's new bitch boy. Chett is now demoted to the kennels.
Chett: Golly-gee! I'm going to be spending all my time groomin' Sheriff Roscoe P. Coletrane's lazy basset hound, Velvet Ears! But it's okay. That ol' hound really likes us Duke boys and is always barkin at Boss Hogg. That's one smart hound, if I do say so myself!
Clydas: Aww, I'm going to miss you, Chett! You must be pretty angry at Sam taking your job from you.
Chett: That's right! I'm mighty angry! It really dills my pickle. In about two books or so, I'll swear to get my revenge on that Samwell Tarley!
Chett then spits his chew into an old jar and it goes "ding."
Bowen Marsh: Oh, and some other assignments. Dareon the Singer, you're being sent to Eastwatch to help out Cotter Pyke. And Jon Snow... you're to be Lord Mormont's personal steward.
Dareon: Sweet! I'm an important enough of a character to have my specific assignment mentioned in this chapter. I'm obviously going to be super relevant in the stories to come!
He won't. You won't hear from him again until A Feast for Crows.
Dareon: Damnit!
Jon: This is such bullshit! Steward? Steward? Really? Does the Night's Watch take me for some kind of shitty servant?
Sam: Hey, I'm a Steward and I'm standing right here, man.
Maester Aemon then shows up, being all boss.
Aemon: I might be blind, but I'm not deaf. I heard that, Snow. You're asking if we take you for a servant? No. We took you for a MAN who would nut up and do what he was told. But maybe we were wrong. Perhaps the Stewards should trade you to the Denver Nuggets.
Jon: Uhm, nah. That's okay.
Jon still storms out, complaining about the pick. In the yard, he's still bitching about it when Sam walks up to him.
Jon: Life sucks. What am I supposed to do? Wipe Mormont's butt for him and fetch his food? I'm the best swordsman here. I should be a Ranger!
Sam: Jon, you dumb little shit. Don't you see what's happening here? Mormont is the Lord Commander. He personally picked you to be by his side! To see all the messages he gets. To be there when he makes decisions. To be there when he gives the orders. You'll be everywhere with him. You're going to be his main man. Back when my dad still wanted me to be his heir, that's what he had me do. He made me come along to all his stupid meetings and be by him. He was training me! But then he gave up on me and didn't care if I came with him anymore. Mormont isn't making you his lackey... he's preparing you!
Jon: Preparing me for what?
Sam: Duh. To take his place... to be the next Lord Commander one day!
Jon is shocked. He never thought about that. Because he's a fucking dumbass.
Jon: Sam... you're... you're... right. I'm such a fool. Come on, let's go to the woods and swear our oaths now and I'll stop being such an annoying, whiny bitch.
Sam: Unlikely.
Jon: Huh?
Sam: I didn't say anything.
They head off to the haunted woods, north of the Wall. To get there, they go through a twisting tunnel through the Wall protected by three different gates that Bowen Marsh has to unlock. After they are out, they still have to ride a bit longer until they get to the weirwoods.
Sam: I'm scared.
Jon: Of course you are, you craven bastard. What are you scared of this time? Heart disease?
Sam: Wildlings!
Jon: Wildlings never come this close to the Wall. They know better. Besides, I brought Ghost with me. He'll protect us.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I am hungry. I can't wait to find something to eat].
They reach the woods and kneel down before a weirwood tree.
Jon and Sam: Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. Like if I get stabbed and die but am somehow magically brought back to life then it's okay for me to leave because I technically died. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sex with Wildling girls. I just won't marry them or have kids with them. It's a technicality. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. Probably. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. Maybe metaphorically a sword or maybe more literally like the living personification of Lightbringer or something like that. But probably just metaphorically. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the sand in the hourglass, the spoon that stirs the honey in the hot tea, the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp Ba Bomp Ba Bomp and who put the Ram in the Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. Play ball.
Bowen March: Now rise, as MEN of the Night's Watch. Also, I see you guys added a couple of ad-libs in there but I'm going to let it slide because it's really fucking cold and I want to get heading back now.
But as they are about to turn and leave, Ghost comes running up with something in his mouth.
Jon: Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You get a squirrel, Ghost? Huh? You get a rabbit?
Ghost wags his tail and drops his catch at the feet of his master.
It's a human hand.
Jon: Oh wow.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: So I can eat this, right?]
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