Ser Alliser: Hey everyone, we got a bunch of new recruits that have just arrived here at the Wall. Which means I need to graduate a bunch of you guys out from under my control and elevate you to now report directly to Commander Mormont. I think you're all still shitty and undeserving to graduate. But the federal government instituted some class size rules so that my class of trainees can only be so large. Therefore, I'm promoting the following worthless, douche assholes: Todder, Halder, Grenn, Dareon, Albett, Pyp, Matthar, and that cock-sucking bastard Lord Snow. Thorne out.
And Ser Alliser walks away because he hates everyone.
The recruits that just got promoted to full-time, for-real Night's Watch status celebrate. The other recruits cheer and are happy for their brothers. Everyone seems happy and they begin a feast in celebration. Everyone except for Jon Fucking Snow because he's a dour, moping, brooding bastard.
Pyp: What is wrong, Jon? You were just told you're a real brother now! You're probably going to be the First Ranger one day just like your uncle Benjen was!
Jon: Uh, you mean like my uncle Benjen IS. Because I'm still in denial about him being dead and refuse to accept it.
Pyp: Oh. Is that why you're acting like there is a pole up your ass?
Jon: Yeah, that and another thing. Everyone who got promoted were the people who looked out for Sam and his fat ass. Now Sam will probably get the shit beat out of him.
Pyp: *shrugs* Whatever, we did all we could do for him.
Jon: No man, this is messed up. I gotta... I gotta ride this shit off and think.
And so Jon gets on a horse and goes riding along the wall by himself, thinking about life and continuing to mope and brood. He thinks about life outside of the Night's Watch and of returning home. Technically he hasn't sworn his vows yet so he can leave. Most assholes in the Night's Watch are criminals who were forced to come here - being given the choice of joining the Watch or being executed. But Jon was the one dumbass who volunteered to come. Because he wasn't a full brother yet and hadn't sworn his vows - he could technically leave at any time and go home.
But where exactly was home? Winterfell was different now. Besides, his bitch-ass stepmom Cat Stark hates him and he's pretty sure he saw her try to poison his food. He could try to go find his REAL mom and live with her... but his dad Ned wouldn't even tell him anything about her. Probably because she was some whore or something. Why else would dad never even talk about her? There was no place for him anywhere but the Wall now.
Jon rides back and knocks on the door of Maester Aemon. Despite the fact that it's past midnight and that old man needs to sleep.
It's not Aemon who answers, but his stupid stewards Chett and Clydas. And I'm pretty sure Chett and Clydas are the fake Duke Cousins who replaced Bo and Luke Duke during Season 5 when John Schneider and Tom Wopat were re-negotating their contracts with CBS.
Clydas: Yee-haw! What are you doing here, Jon Snow? Don't you know that Maester Aemon is asleep at this hour? And worst of all... if Boss Hogg finds out that you're bothering Aemon this late, he'll be mighty angry! You know how he hates you Stark boys because you used to run moonshine!
Jon: Okay, this joke is already old. Wake up Aemon anyway.
They do so. Jon makes a fire for Aemon so that it's warm when he comes out into his living room.
Aemon: Dude, what the fuck? Do you know what hour it is? I was watching "Big Black Dick Deepthroat" videos on RedTube.
Jon: No you weren't. You're blind and you can't see.
Aemon: Okay, you called my bluff. What's up, Jon?
Jon: It's about Samwell Tarley. He's about to get the shit beat out of him now that all the people who looked out for him in the training yard have been promoted to join the Watch for real and take their real jobs. I want Sam to be promoted too so that he can join us.
Aemon: And why the fuck is that my problem? I'm not in charge of that training and promotion shit. That's Alliser Thorne. Take that shit up with him.
Jon: Alliser is a dickface and you know it. All that is going to happen if Sam stays where he is is that he's going to get the shit beat out of him. Probably killed.
Chett: Golly gee! My cousin Daisy Duke says that Sam should stay where he is and Alliser will make a man out of him or he'll die. That or Roscoe P. Coletrane will catch him.
Jon: If Sam's dad couldn't make a fighter out of him in all his years of trying to... why does anyone think Alliser Thorne can? Sam isn't a fighter. And you know what? That's perfectly okay. The Night's Watch isn't just warriors. Not unlike Dungeons and Dragons, the Night's Watch has multiple different "Character Classes." There are the "Rangers" who are the warriors who protect the wall. But there are also the "Builders" who help to upkeep the wall and the "Stewards" who do all the mundane logistics bullshit. Sam doesn't need to learn to be a fighter or warrior. He'll never be a ranger. He should be a steward!
Chett: What? I'm a steward! You're acting like being a steward is easy and that someone as fat as Boss Hogg could do it. Being a steward is tough work. You've got to hunt with your explosive crossbow, farm corn that you can turn into moonshine, gather firewood that you can turn into crosses to burn on lawns because the Confederacy still lives, make clothing like those tight and high bluejean shorts that cover my cousin Daisy's butt cheeks, and smuggle shine across the county line before Enos catches you!
Aemon: Chett makes some good points. Sam Tarley doesn't seem qualified to do anything that a steward does. Can he even hunt?
Jon: No, he thinks killing animals is gross because he thinks animals are his friends. But you know what he CAN do better than anyone else? HELP YOU!
Chett and Clydas get furious. That's their job!
Jon: No, hear me out, Maester Aemon. These rednecks are barely literate and does a Maester really need moonshine experts? You told me once about that chain you wear. How it's made from different metals because you mastered different intellectual skills. Well Sam can read. He loves reading. He's good with numbers. He can do math. And remember how I said he likes animals? Well that means he could help out with the ravens too.
Aemon: Hrm, you raise some good points, Jon Snow. These would be even better points if you raised them with me at 3PM tomorrow rather than in the middle of the fucking night. Now get the fuck out of my apartment so I can go to sleep.
And Ser Alliser walks away because he hates everyone.
The recruits that just got promoted to full-time, for-real Night's Watch status celebrate. The other recruits cheer and are happy for their brothers. Everyone seems happy and they begin a feast in celebration. Everyone except for Jon Fucking Snow because he's a dour, moping, brooding bastard.
Pyp: What is wrong, Jon? You were just told you're a real brother now! You're probably going to be the First Ranger one day just like your uncle Benjen was!
Jon: Uh, you mean like my uncle Benjen IS. Because I'm still in denial about him being dead and refuse to accept it.
Pyp: Oh. Is that why you're acting like there is a pole up your ass?
Jon: Yeah, that and another thing. Everyone who got promoted were the people who looked out for Sam and his fat ass. Now Sam will probably get the shit beat out of him.
Pyp: *shrugs* Whatever, we did all we could do for him.
Jon: No man, this is messed up. I gotta... I gotta ride this shit off and think.
And so Jon gets on a horse and goes riding along the wall by himself, thinking about life and continuing to mope and brood. He thinks about life outside of the Night's Watch and of returning home. Technically he hasn't sworn his vows yet so he can leave. Most assholes in the Night's Watch are criminals who were forced to come here - being given the choice of joining the Watch or being executed. But Jon was the one dumbass who volunteered to come. Because he wasn't a full brother yet and hadn't sworn his vows - he could technically leave at any time and go home.
But where exactly was home? Winterfell was different now. Besides, his bitch-ass stepmom Cat Stark hates him and he's pretty sure he saw her try to poison his food. He could try to go find his REAL mom and live with her... but his dad Ned wouldn't even tell him anything about her. Probably because she was some whore or something. Why else would dad never even talk about her? There was no place for him anywhere but the Wall now.
Jon rides back and knocks on the door of Maester Aemon. Despite the fact that it's past midnight and that old man needs to sleep.
It's not Aemon who answers, but his stupid stewards Chett and Clydas. And I'm pretty sure Chett and Clydas are the fake Duke Cousins who replaced Bo and Luke Duke during Season 5 when John Schneider and Tom Wopat were re-negotating their contracts with CBS.
Clydas: Yee-haw! What are you doing here, Jon Snow? Don't you know that Maester Aemon is asleep at this hour? And worst of all... if Boss Hogg finds out that you're bothering Aemon this late, he'll be mighty angry! You know how he hates you Stark boys because you used to run moonshine!
Jon: Okay, this joke is already old. Wake up Aemon anyway.
They do so. Jon makes a fire for Aemon so that it's warm when he comes out into his living room.
Aemon: Dude, what the fuck? Do you know what hour it is? I was watching "Big Black Dick Deepthroat" videos on RedTube.
Jon: No you weren't. You're blind and you can't see.
Aemon: Okay, you called my bluff. What's up, Jon?
Jon: It's about Samwell Tarley. He's about to get the shit beat out of him now that all the people who looked out for him in the training yard have been promoted to join the Watch for real and take their real jobs. I want Sam to be promoted too so that he can join us.
Aemon: And why the fuck is that my problem? I'm not in charge of that training and promotion shit. That's Alliser Thorne. Take that shit up with him.
Jon: Alliser is a dickface and you know it. All that is going to happen if Sam stays where he is is that he's going to get the shit beat out of him. Probably killed.
Chett: Golly gee! My cousin Daisy Duke says that Sam should stay where he is and Alliser will make a man out of him or he'll die. That or Roscoe P. Coletrane will catch him.
Jon: If Sam's dad couldn't make a fighter out of him in all his years of trying to... why does anyone think Alliser Thorne can? Sam isn't a fighter. And you know what? That's perfectly okay. The Night's Watch isn't just warriors. Not unlike Dungeons and Dragons, the Night's Watch has multiple different "Character Classes." There are the "Rangers" who are the warriors who protect the wall. But there are also the "Builders" who help to upkeep the wall and the "Stewards" who do all the mundane logistics bullshit. Sam doesn't need to learn to be a fighter or warrior. He'll never be a ranger. He should be a steward!
Chett: What? I'm a steward! You're acting like being a steward is easy and that someone as fat as Boss Hogg could do it. Being a steward is tough work. You've got to hunt with your explosive crossbow, farm corn that you can turn into moonshine, gather firewood that you can turn into crosses to burn on lawns because the Confederacy still lives, make clothing like those tight and high bluejean shorts that cover my cousin Daisy's butt cheeks, and smuggle shine across the county line before Enos catches you!
Aemon: Chett makes some good points. Sam Tarley doesn't seem qualified to do anything that a steward does. Can he even hunt?
Jon: No, he thinks killing animals is gross because he thinks animals are his friends. But you know what he CAN do better than anyone else? HELP YOU!
Chett and Clydas get furious. That's their job!
Jon: No, hear me out, Maester Aemon. These rednecks are barely literate and does a Maester really need moonshine experts? You told me once about that chain you wear. How it's made from different metals because you mastered different intellectual skills. Well Sam can read. He loves reading. He's good with numbers. He can do math. And remember how I said he likes animals? Well that means he could help out with the ravens too.
Aemon: Hrm, you raise some good points, Jon Snow. These would be even better points if you raised them with me at 3PM tomorrow rather than in the middle of the fucking night. Now get the fuck out of my apartment so I can go to sleep.
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