Ned: Oh man! Another of my chapters already? Fair enough. What am I doing now?
Arya: You're conveniently giving me permission to go out training with Syrio Forel today so that I'm not around the Red Keep when shit goes down in a few minutes.
Ned: Ah yes, right.
Arya leaves.
Ned: Man. Look at all those Lannister soldiers out there in the courtyards. Dumb asses! Stupid, stupid Cersei. Doesn't she know she should have fled by now? Things are about to go really, really poorly for her. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's people who are totally oblivious to the fact that things are about to go poorly for them and not get out of town when they should.
Sansa: I don't want to leave King's Landing! I want to stay here with my beloved Joffrey!
Ned: You stupid girl, that's a terrible idea.
Sansa: WHHAAAAAA!!! I hate you, daddy! I hate you!
She runs off crying.
Septa Mordane: That darn girl! I'll go bring her back, Lord Stark.
Ned: No, Septa. It's okay. I'll have a conversation with her when I arrive back in Winterfell. Which will happen soon.
Septa Mordane: Yes. Me too. We will both return to Winterfell soon. Alive.
Not long after, Maester Pycelle shows up.
Pycelle: Hey everybody! It's official. The king is dead. Long live the king.
Ned: Wow, I should feel something about that but I actually feel nothing. Like I'm dead on the inside.
Pycelle: As you will soon be on the outside as well.
Ned: Huh?
Pycelle: What? Oh, nothing. Clearing my throat. Would you like some sweet milk?
Ned: FUCK NO. I guess that means I'm Regent and Lord Protector now. My first order is to call a meeting of the Small Council. Now!
Pycelle: What? Really? I had just ordered an escort, so I--
Ned: --Yes. NOW!
Pycelle: Okay, geez. I'll have my servants send out the word.
He does so.
Selmy is the first to arrive for the summons.
Barristan Selmy: Ned, I shouldn't be here. Yes, I am on the Small Council but I'm also in charge of the Kingsguard. I should be guarding the new king, Joffrey!
Ned: Pfft, dat ain't no king.
Littlefinger then shows up, wearing the same clothes he was yesterday.
Ned: Dude, what the hell? We don't need to see your walk of shame. Go home and shower.
Littlefinger: What? Oh no, it's not that. I was just up all night plotting.
Varys arrives next.
Ned: Great. All we need is Renly now and we'll be good to go.
Varys: Uhh... yeah, Ned... about that. That isn't going to happen. Renly is gone. He and Ser Loras Tyrell slipped out of down with all of their men a few hours ago, heading for Storm's End or Highgarden. My spies aren't sure yet.
Ned: Oh man, those two left together? Crazy! What are they? Like best friends or something? They always seem to be hanging out.
The rest of the Small Council look knowingly at each other, but say nothing. Those Winterfell guys are kind of slow and Conservative. Ned is the type of guy who probably wonders why that handsome and nice Anderson Cooper hasn't found the right woman and gotten married yet.
Ned: Man, I was sure hoping for Renly's support. This kind of sucks. Anyway... Barristan! I will count on you to be the one to open the seal on this writ which names me Lord Protector of the realm until Robert's heir comes of age.
The door then opens.
Fat Tom: Hey everyone, it's me! Fat Tom! One of the Stark family guards that Arya always makes fun of for being fat. I'm coming with word from the King... he wants you all to show up to the Throne Room... now!
Ned: Hrm. The King does, does he? Sounds more like the work of Cersei to me. Why am I not surprised? That foolish woman should have fled when she had the chance. No matter. I'm perfectly safe and will have the Gold Cloaks on my side. We might as well get going.
And so the Small Council marches to the Throne Room to find Joffrey sitting on the large, pointy Iron Throne. Although there are a bunch of Lannister guards everywhere, Ned isn't worried. He sees that the Gold Cloaks are also there. Littlefinger delivered!
Joffrey: Well it's about time my Council showed up. Now that I'm king it's time to get to the first order of business... my coronation!
Cersei: Yes, I want it scheduled within a fortnight.
Joffrey: No mom, don't be stupid. It should be scheduled within fourteen days.
Cersei: *sigh* I can already tell this is going to be a long reign.
Joffrey: Next, I demand oaths of fealty from all my counselors.
Ned: Well, I also come here with the King's Will! Varys, if you will be so kind as to deliver Robert's last will and testament to--
But before Varys can do anything, Cersei snatches the will out of Varys's hands and tears it up.
Ned: WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN?!
Cersei: You think a piece of paper will serve as your shield? Please, Ned. A paper shield is highly unreliable. Yes, paper is made from wood and non-splitting woods such as linden, fir, alder or poplar are a fantastic idea for shields, especially when reinforced with a leather cover such as a buck hide. But paper is just way too thin. See how easily I tore that?
Barristan: Those were the king's orders!!! You can't just tear them up!
Cersei: Yeah, they were the LAST king's orders. We have a new king now. You heard my son, Ned. Oaths of fealty for all!!! Bend the knee now and you get to go home to Winterfell and live happily with your family. I'll forget about everything else. We need not speak of any of it ever again. The past will be forgotten.
Ned: What? You mean like that time you offered to give me a handjob in the godswood?
Everyone in the Throne Room giggles.
Cersei: WHAT?! NO!!! That never happened!
Nobody believes her because everybody knows that sounds exactly like some Cersei shit.
Ned: That boy has no right to the throne. The true heir is STANNIS!
The Court: *GASP*
Joffrey jumps up angrily. Unfortunatly he doesn't trip and impale himself on one of the Throne swords, which would have been highly satisfying.
Joffrey: WHAT?! How dare he! Mother!!! What is he talking about?
Cersei: Ser Barristan!!! You have heard what just happened! Ned refuses to bend the knee to the new king. He talks of treason and having Stannis usurp the throne. Arrest him, now!
Barristan: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! I'M SO CONFUSED!
While he hesitates and tries to figure the situation out, Ned's guardsmen quickly come up to protect him.
Fat Tom: Including me, Fat Tom!
Cersei then nods to her Lannister guards and the Hound. They draw their swords and approach the Stark men.
Ned: Hahaha, nice try, Cersei. But my forces outnumber you by like four to one. You know why? I have the City Watch on my side! Janos Slynt, please order the Gold Cloaks to take the queen and her children into custody.
As the Gold Cloaks all march forward, Ned pulls out his CSI Notebook and writes "case closed" in it, and then closes it shut.
Ned: Please no bloodshed though, Janos. The Queen and her children are not to be harmed. I am no monster.
Janos: Uhh... yeah. Sure. No bloodshed.
One of the City Watch then drives a spear into Fat Tom's back.
Fat Tom: AGHHH! THAT HURTS! OW! OW! FUUUUCK!
Ned's men turn around and begin to fight. It's not a very long fight though. All of Ned's men are quickly slaughtered and he is surrounded by the Gold Cloaks.
As Ned stands there confused, Littlefinger comes up from behind and grabs Ned's dagger from his sheath. He then holds it against Ned's neck.
Walter Donovan: Didn't I tell you not to trust anyone, Dr. Jones?
Littlefinger: Damnit, Pycelle! That was SUPPOSED to be my line.
Arya: You're conveniently giving me permission to go out training with Syrio Forel today so that I'm not around the Red Keep when shit goes down in a few minutes.
Ned: Ah yes, right.
Arya leaves.
Ned: Man. Look at all those Lannister soldiers out there in the courtyards. Dumb asses! Stupid, stupid Cersei. Doesn't she know she should have fled by now? Things are about to go really, really poorly for her. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's people who are totally oblivious to the fact that things are about to go poorly for them and not get out of town when they should.
Sansa: I don't want to leave King's Landing! I want to stay here with my beloved Joffrey!
Ned: You stupid girl, that's a terrible idea.
Sansa: WHHAAAAAA!!! I hate you, daddy! I hate you!
She runs off crying.
Septa Mordane: That darn girl! I'll go bring her back, Lord Stark.
Ned: No, Septa. It's okay. I'll have a conversation with her when I arrive back in Winterfell. Which will happen soon.
Septa Mordane: Yes. Me too. We will both return to Winterfell soon. Alive.
Not long after, Maester Pycelle shows up.
Pycelle: Hey everybody! It's official. The king is dead. Long live the king.
Ned: Wow, I should feel something about that but I actually feel nothing. Like I'm dead on the inside.
Pycelle: As you will soon be on the outside as well.
Ned: Huh?
Pycelle: What? Oh, nothing. Clearing my throat. Would you like some sweet milk?
Ned: FUCK NO. I guess that means I'm Regent and Lord Protector now. My first order is to call a meeting of the Small Council. Now!
Pycelle: What? Really? I had just ordered an escort, so I--
Ned: --Yes. NOW!
Pycelle: Okay, geez. I'll have my servants send out the word.
He does so.
Selmy is the first to arrive for the summons.
Barristan Selmy: Ned, I shouldn't be here. Yes, I am on the Small Council but I'm also in charge of the Kingsguard. I should be guarding the new king, Joffrey!
Ned: Pfft, dat ain't no king.
Littlefinger then shows up, wearing the same clothes he was yesterday.
Ned: Dude, what the hell? We don't need to see your walk of shame. Go home and shower.
Littlefinger: What? Oh no, it's not that. I was just up all night plotting.
Varys arrives next.
Ned: Great. All we need is Renly now and we'll be good to go.
Varys: Uhh... yeah, Ned... about that. That isn't going to happen. Renly is gone. He and Ser Loras Tyrell slipped out of down with all of their men a few hours ago, heading for Storm's End or Highgarden. My spies aren't sure yet.
Ned: Oh man, those two left together? Crazy! What are they? Like best friends or something? They always seem to be hanging out.
The rest of the Small Council look knowingly at each other, but say nothing. Those Winterfell guys are kind of slow and Conservative. Ned is the type of guy who probably wonders why that handsome and nice Anderson Cooper hasn't found the right woman and gotten married yet.
Ned: Man, I was sure hoping for Renly's support. This kind of sucks. Anyway... Barristan! I will count on you to be the one to open the seal on this writ which names me Lord Protector of the realm until Robert's heir comes of age.
The door then opens.
Fat Tom: Hey everyone, it's me! Fat Tom! One of the Stark family guards that Arya always makes fun of for being fat. I'm coming with word from the King... he wants you all to show up to the Throne Room... now!
Ned: Hrm. The King does, does he? Sounds more like the work of Cersei to me. Why am I not surprised? That foolish woman should have fled when she had the chance. No matter. I'm perfectly safe and will have the Gold Cloaks on my side. We might as well get going.
And so the Small Council marches to the Throne Room to find Joffrey sitting on the large, pointy Iron Throne. Although there are a bunch of Lannister guards everywhere, Ned isn't worried. He sees that the Gold Cloaks are also there. Littlefinger delivered!
Joffrey: Well it's about time my Council showed up. Now that I'm king it's time to get to the first order of business... my coronation!
Cersei: Yes, I want it scheduled within a fortnight.
Joffrey: No mom, don't be stupid. It should be scheduled within fourteen days.
Cersei: *sigh* I can already tell this is going to be a long reign.
Joffrey: Next, I demand oaths of fealty from all my counselors.
Ned: Well, I also come here with the King's Will! Varys, if you will be so kind as to deliver Robert's last will and testament to--
But before Varys can do anything, Cersei snatches the will out of Varys's hands and tears it up.
Ned: WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN?!
Cersei: You think a piece of paper will serve as your shield? Please, Ned. A paper shield is highly unreliable. Yes, paper is made from wood and non-splitting woods such as linden, fir, alder or poplar are a fantastic idea for shields, especially when reinforced with a leather cover such as a buck hide. But paper is just way too thin. See how easily I tore that?
Barristan: Those were the king's orders!!! You can't just tear them up!
Cersei: Yeah, they were the LAST king's orders. We have a new king now. You heard my son, Ned. Oaths of fealty for all!!! Bend the knee now and you get to go home to Winterfell and live happily with your family. I'll forget about everything else. We need not speak of any of it ever again. The past will be forgotten.
Ned: What? You mean like that time you offered to give me a handjob in the godswood?
Everyone in the Throne Room giggles.
Cersei: WHAT?! NO!!! That never happened!
Nobody believes her because everybody knows that sounds exactly like some Cersei shit.
Ned: That boy has no right to the throne. The true heir is STANNIS!
The Court: *GASP*
Joffrey jumps up angrily. Unfortunatly he doesn't trip and impale himself on one of the Throne swords, which would have been highly satisfying.
Joffrey: WHAT?! How dare he! Mother!!! What is he talking about?
Cersei: Ser Barristan!!! You have heard what just happened! Ned refuses to bend the knee to the new king. He talks of treason and having Stannis usurp the throne. Arrest him, now!
Barristan: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! I'M SO CONFUSED!
While he hesitates and tries to figure the situation out, Ned's guardsmen quickly come up to protect him.
Fat Tom: Including me, Fat Tom!
Cersei then nods to her Lannister guards and the Hound. They draw their swords and approach the Stark men.
Ned: Hahaha, nice try, Cersei. But my forces outnumber you by like four to one. You know why? I have the City Watch on my side! Janos Slynt, please order the Gold Cloaks to take the queen and her children into custody.
As the Gold Cloaks all march forward, Ned pulls out his CSI Notebook and writes "case closed" in it, and then closes it shut.
Ned: Please no bloodshed though, Janos. The Queen and her children are not to be harmed. I am no monster.
Janos: Uhh... yeah. Sure. No bloodshed.
One of the City Watch then drives a spear into Fat Tom's back.
Fat Tom: AGHHH! THAT HURTS! OW! OW! FUUUUCK!
Ned's men turn around and begin to fight. It's not a very long fight though. All of Ned's men are quickly slaughtered and he is surrounded by the Gold Cloaks.
As Ned stands there confused, Littlefinger comes up from behind and grabs Ned's dagger from his sheath. He then holds it against Ned's neck.
Walter Donovan: Didn't I tell you not to trust anyone, Dr. Jones?
Littlefinger: Damnit, Pycelle! That was SUPPOSED to be my line.
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