Bran is sitting on a turret looking through a telescope at the Karstarks arriving at Winterfell. Why is he doing that? Because he certainly can't be STANDING on a turret while looking at the Karstarks arrive, HO HO HO!
Bran: Okay, screw you, narrator.
Bran then goes into backstory exposition mode, recalling the history of the Karstarks (how they are descended from the Starks), how they were the last to arrive when his brother Robb sent out word to all of the North to assemble at Winterfell, and how he wasn't allowed to leave the castle ever since the incident in the Wolfswood. You know - the incident where they got attacked by Wildlings and Night's Watch deserters (including Osha). Bran also recalls how he recognized the banners of all the dozens of damn houses pledged to the Starks as they each arrived in town. So many men. Fighters.
Bran: Sweet. I always wanted to be a knight. How many knights are there, ya think?
Maester Luwin: Not many. 300 perhaps. Knights are blessed in the name of the Seven Gods and we here in the north follow the old gods. But a man's worth is not determined by having "Ser" in front of his name. Why, I think that a solider from the North is probably ten times as good as one from the Sou--
Bran: --Okay, enough of this shit. Hodor, I don't want to watch this anymore. I want to go to the godswood.
Hodor: Ah yes, an exemplary proposition, you budding young adolescent, you! I do suppose I know the itinerary to the godswood and will take you there upon my back henceforth so that you can engage in invocations to your mighty tree gods.
Bran: Ugh, I wish you could just say "Hodor."
Hodor takes Bran to the woods to pray. Summer comes along too. Along the way, he passes by a bunch of Karstarks who mock him for being a cripple. Bran doesn't care though. Fuck those guys. He'd rather be out and called a cripple by losers than be trapped inside the castle. Besides, Summer also growls at some of the Karstark men and they piss themselves. Bran finds that to be hilarious.
Upon reaching the magical tree god with the bleeding face, Hodor puts Bran down and Bran starts to pray. Hodor then strips naked and goes to take a bath in a nearby hot spring.
Bran: Dear tree face god, I hope Robb doesn't go off to war. I hope my family stays safe. I hope little Rickon stops crying like a little bitch. I mean when he first heard that Robb would be leaving he ran away and hid in the crypts. When men were send to find him, he slashed at them with a sword from one of those crypt statues and had Shaggydog bite them. That boy is fucking wild. Like a wildling. And wildlings are the worst. In "The Bell Curve," Charles Murphy said that Wildlings have smaller brains than regular people and are naturally less intelligent.
Osha: HEY! I'm right here!
Bran: What?! How did you get here? More importantly, why are you here?
Osha: Don't worry about that now. What you should be worried about now is another long, internal monologue where you go back and detail a number of past events which have happened in-between your last POV chapter and this one. First you should think about how you begged Robb not to go off to war but he insisted that he would have to, because that's what father would have done. Father would have never sent another man off to lead his war. Then you should think about how a number of the Stark bannermen were reluctant to bow down and support this young boy who was now Lord of Winterfell. You should think about how Greatjon Umber said that he would be a better leader than Robb, demanded command, and then drew his sword on Robb. Then you should recount how Robb then had Grey Wind attack Greatjon, biting several of Greatjon's fingers off. Then point out how ironically that made Greatjon actually MORE LOYAL to Robb and ready to declare that Robb was truly a fit and bold leader, ready to command. Then you should talk about how Robb and everyone else is really creeped out by that super weirdo bannerman, Roose Bolton. He gives everyone the heebie-jeebies. Especially because his banner is that of a flayed man. Because apparently that's what his house does to people. Or maybe it's just one of Old Nan's stories. Then talk about how men came back to Winterfell with the bones of Sansa's dog, Lady. And think about all the other Stark men who went South to never come home alive. And then think about--
Bran: --Can we just move on with the chapter instead of me thinking about all this shit? I asked you why you were here.
Osha: We Wildlings follow the old gods too, Bran. Not just you Starks. I was here to talk to the gods, just like you. And I heard the gods answer you back.
Bran: What? Really? I didn't hear anything.
Osha: They answered you back with the wind.
Bran: Well, that's a pretty vague answer. Do you have to have a solid understanding of Rossby waves and pressure gradients to talk to the gods?
Osha: You just need to learn how to listen right.
Bran: So what did they say?
Osha: The gods are sad. They say that they can't help out anyone in the south. There are no weirwoods in the south. They were all cut down ages ago. Your father is outside of where the gods can help.
Bran: These are some pretty weak and shitty gods then.
Another wind blows when Bran says that. Bran gets a sudden chill, and is somehow able to tell that the gods were saying, "Fuck you, Bran."
Hodor comes back from his bath, all naked with his junk swinging around.
Osha: Oh my, what a large..... uhhh... man. He must have Giant's blood in him.
Bran: Maester Luwin says there are no more Giants.
Osha: Well, Maester Luwin says a lot of dumb shit. Remember when Luwin said that HD-DVD was a superior format to Blu-Ray? Or back in 1999 when he said that Eminem would never be as big as Everlast? North of the Wall, men have sex with giants all the time. Oh... sorry... I'm talking about sex to a little boy. That's kind of messed up.
Bran: Nah, it's okay. I see dogs humping out in the yard all the time. I'm crippled, not stupid. NOW PUT SOME DAMN PANTS ON, HODOR!
Hodor: Oh, my most sincere and utmost apologies, Brandon! Where indeed are my manners? Why I swear, I am oft so absesnt-minded!
Osha: There is worse beyond the Wall than just Giants though, boy. When men leave the warmth of their fires... sometimes they never come back. Or even worse - they come back as wights!
Bran: I'm confused... they use skin-lightener or something? Like Sammy Sosa?
Osha: No, not "whites," "wights!" It's spelled different. I mean the zombie people.
Bran: No... wait... I thought those were "White Walkers" or "the Others" or something. I'm confused.
Osha: Okay, so this is how it works... "the Others," AKA "White Walkers" are not zombies. They are another species. Like how the humans are a different species from the Children of the Forest and how cows are different from sheep. The Others are not dead humans that come back to life. However, the Others have the power to TURN dead humans into zombies. The people they kill and bring back as zombies are wights. Get it? Others = Other Evil Species. Wights = Human zombies resurrected by Others.
Bran: Thanks. That clears it up. I think.
Osha: I told all this to Robb, but he wouldn't listen to me. And since he's like a 15 year old boy and I'm kind of a wild and freaky brunette with tits... I figured he would listen to me. Generally I'm exactly the type of person that 15 year old ginger boys listen to and obey without question. But not this time. Anyway, tell that Robb that if he's going off to war that he's going the wrong direction. He needs to go North!
Bran: Yeah, sure. I'll tell him.
But Bran doesn't. Not because he's a liar but because he practically never gets to see his brother. While Robb is helping to plan the war, Bran is sent off to go entertain the newly-arrived Karstarks. He's bored hosting them and knows they're all making fun of him.
Bran: Ugh, I hate this. I want to be a knight and go off to war, not sit here.
Luwin: Hey now, you can never be a knight but maybe you can be a Maester. You know they call us "Knights of the Mind!" You could forge your maester's chain in Old Town and become very wise and knowledgeable about many things.
Bran: Yeah, apparently not knowledgeable about Blu-Ray though. Anyway, I don't want to learn any of that dumb stuff they teach in Old Town. I want to learn to fly! The three-eyed crow in my dreams told me I'd learn to! That damn liar!
Luwin: Nobody can teach you magic, Bran. That's dumb.
Bran: Oh yeah? I bet the Children of the Forest could teach me! They use magic! Osha knows all about it. You should talk to her. She says Robb is marching the wrong way.
Luwin: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Two days later, Robb marches south and off to war. Bran is now Lord of Winterfell.
Bran: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Bran: Okay, screw you, narrator.
Bran then goes into backstory exposition mode, recalling the history of the Karstarks (how they are descended from the Starks), how they were the last to arrive when his brother Robb sent out word to all of the North to assemble at Winterfell, and how he wasn't allowed to leave the castle ever since the incident in the Wolfswood. You know - the incident where they got attacked by Wildlings and Night's Watch deserters (including Osha). Bran also recalls how he recognized the banners of all the dozens of damn houses pledged to the Starks as they each arrived in town. So many men. Fighters.
Bran: Sweet. I always wanted to be a knight. How many knights are there, ya think?
Maester Luwin: Not many. 300 perhaps. Knights are blessed in the name of the Seven Gods and we here in the north follow the old gods. But a man's worth is not determined by having "Ser" in front of his name. Why, I think that a solider from the North is probably ten times as good as one from the Sou--
Bran: --Okay, enough of this shit. Hodor, I don't want to watch this anymore. I want to go to the godswood.
Hodor: Ah yes, an exemplary proposition, you budding young adolescent, you! I do suppose I know the itinerary to the godswood and will take you there upon my back henceforth so that you can engage in invocations to your mighty tree gods.
Bran: Ugh, I wish you could just say "Hodor."
Hodor takes Bran to the woods to pray. Summer comes along too. Along the way, he passes by a bunch of Karstarks who mock him for being a cripple. Bran doesn't care though. Fuck those guys. He'd rather be out and called a cripple by losers than be trapped inside the castle. Besides, Summer also growls at some of the Karstark men and they piss themselves. Bran finds that to be hilarious.
Upon reaching the magical tree god with the bleeding face, Hodor puts Bran down and Bran starts to pray. Hodor then strips naked and goes to take a bath in a nearby hot spring.
Bran: Dear tree face god, I hope Robb doesn't go off to war. I hope my family stays safe. I hope little Rickon stops crying like a little bitch. I mean when he first heard that Robb would be leaving he ran away and hid in the crypts. When men were send to find him, he slashed at them with a sword from one of those crypt statues and had Shaggydog bite them. That boy is fucking wild. Like a wildling. And wildlings are the worst. In "The Bell Curve," Charles Murphy said that Wildlings have smaller brains than regular people and are naturally less intelligent.
Osha: HEY! I'm right here!
Bran: What?! How did you get here? More importantly, why are you here?
Osha: Don't worry about that now. What you should be worried about now is another long, internal monologue where you go back and detail a number of past events which have happened in-between your last POV chapter and this one. First you should think about how you begged Robb not to go off to war but he insisted that he would have to, because that's what father would have done. Father would have never sent another man off to lead his war. Then you should think about how a number of the Stark bannermen were reluctant to bow down and support this young boy who was now Lord of Winterfell. You should think about how Greatjon Umber said that he would be a better leader than Robb, demanded command, and then drew his sword on Robb. Then you should recount how Robb then had Grey Wind attack Greatjon, biting several of Greatjon's fingers off. Then point out how ironically that made Greatjon actually MORE LOYAL to Robb and ready to declare that Robb was truly a fit and bold leader, ready to command. Then you should talk about how Robb and everyone else is really creeped out by that super weirdo bannerman, Roose Bolton. He gives everyone the heebie-jeebies. Especially because his banner is that of a flayed man. Because apparently that's what his house does to people. Or maybe it's just one of Old Nan's stories. Then talk about how men came back to Winterfell with the bones of Sansa's dog, Lady. And think about all the other Stark men who went South to never come home alive. And then think about--
Bran: --Can we just move on with the chapter instead of me thinking about all this shit? I asked you why you were here.
Osha: We Wildlings follow the old gods too, Bran. Not just you Starks. I was here to talk to the gods, just like you. And I heard the gods answer you back.
Bran: What? Really? I didn't hear anything.
Osha: They answered you back with the wind.
Bran: Well, that's a pretty vague answer. Do you have to have a solid understanding of Rossby waves and pressure gradients to talk to the gods?
Osha: You just need to learn how to listen right.
Bran: So what did they say?
Osha: The gods are sad. They say that they can't help out anyone in the south. There are no weirwoods in the south. They were all cut down ages ago. Your father is outside of where the gods can help.
Bran: These are some pretty weak and shitty gods then.
Another wind blows when Bran says that. Bran gets a sudden chill, and is somehow able to tell that the gods were saying, "Fuck you, Bran."
Hodor comes back from his bath, all naked with his junk swinging around.
Osha: Oh my, what a large..... uhhh... man. He must have Giant's blood in him.
Bran: Maester Luwin says there are no more Giants.
Osha: Well, Maester Luwin says a lot of dumb shit. Remember when Luwin said that HD-DVD was a superior format to Blu-Ray? Or back in 1999 when he said that Eminem would never be as big as Everlast? North of the Wall, men have sex with giants all the time. Oh... sorry... I'm talking about sex to a little boy. That's kind of messed up.
Bran: Nah, it's okay. I see dogs humping out in the yard all the time. I'm crippled, not stupid. NOW PUT SOME DAMN PANTS ON, HODOR!
Hodor: Oh, my most sincere and utmost apologies, Brandon! Where indeed are my manners? Why I swear, I am oft so absesnt-minded!
Osha: There is worse beyond the Wall than just Giants though, boy. When men leave the warmth of their fires... sometimes they never come back. Or even worse - they come back as wights!
Bran: I'm confused... they use skin-lightener or something? Like Sammy Sosa?
Osha: No, not "whites," "wights!" It's spelled different. I mean the zombie people.
Bran: No... wait... I thought those were "White Walkers" or "the Others" or something. I'm confused.
Osha: Okay, so this is how it works... "the Others," AKA "White Walkers" are not zombies. They are another species. Like how the humans are a different species from the Children of the Forest and how cows are different from sheep. The Others are not dead humans that come back to life. However, the Others have the power to TURN dead humans into zombies. The people they kill and bring back as zombies are wights. Get it? Others = Other Evil Species. Wights = Human zombies resurrected by Others.
Bran: Thanks. That clears it up. I think.
Osha: I told all this to Robb, but he wouldn't listen to me. And since he's like a 15 year old boy and I'm kind of a wild and freaky brunette with tits... I figured he would listen to me. Generally I'm exactly the type of person that 15 year old ginger boys listen to and obey without question. But not this time. Anyway, tell that Robb that if he's going off to war that he's going the wrong direction. He needs to go North!
Bran: Yeah, sure. I'll tell him.
But Bran doesn't. Not because he's a liar but because he practically never gets to see his brother. While Robb is helping to plan the war, Bran is sent off to go entertain the newly-arrived Karstarks. He's bored hosting them and knows they're all making fun of him.
Bran: Ugh, I hate this. I want to be a knight and go off to war, not sit here.
Luwin: Hey now, you can never be a knight but maybe you can be a Maester. You know they call us "Knights of the Mind!" You could forge your maester's chain in Old Town and become very wise and knowledgeable about many things.
Bran: Yeah, apparently not knowledgeable about Blu-Ray though. Anyway, I don't want to learn any of that dumb stuff they teach in Old Town. I want to learn to fly! The three-eyed crow in my dreams told me I'd learn to! That damn liar!
Luwin: Nobody can teach you magic, Bran. That's dumb.
Bran: Oh yeah? I bet the Children of the Forest could teach me! They use magic! Osha knows all about it. You should talk to her. She says Robb is marching the wrong way.
Luwin: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Two days later, Robb marches south and off to war. Bran is now Lord of Winterfell.
Bran: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
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