AGoT 47: Eddard XIII

Ned is asleep and dreaming about walking though the crypt under Winterfell. The statues of the long-dead Kings of the North watch him through their creepy eyes and they all have direwolves with them too.  

Ned: Oh man, super weird. But also a good reminder that the rulers in Winterfell weren't always "Wardens of the North," but used to be "Kings in the North" and were independent of the crown when there truly were seven kingdoms. Just a fun fact for you. A bit foreshadowing though. Like that particular plot point is worth remembering in the near future.

Ned them comes up to the graves of his father, brother and sister. 

Lyanna: Promise me, Ned. Promise me!

Ned: Sweet, another Lyanna dream that's vague and lacking context about the promise.

Ned then wakes up from someone knocking on his door.

Steward: Ned, the king demands your presence!

Ned: He can waddle his fat ass to me if he wants to see me that bad.

Steward: Yeah, that's really not going to work.

Ned: Hrm, intriguing and vague like my dreams. I'm fascinated.

Ned follows the steward to  Maegor's Holdfast - the super fortified "castle within the castle" at the center of the Red Keep that holds the King's bedchamber. Ser Barristan Selmy is standing guard outside the chamber and the look on his face tells Ned that some seriously wrong shit has gone down.

Ned heads inside to see that bitch Cersei, Maester Pycelle, and Renly all standing around the King, who is laying in bed and groaning. The room smells like rotting flesh.

Ned: Oh shit Robert, I told you about those funky feet of yours. Dude, you need some Gold Bond.

As he gets closer, he sees that it's not Robert's feet but his decaying, puss-filled flesh around his chest. There are bandages and blankets all over Robert, but they are stained with putrid blood. 

Ned: Ah. I see.

Renly: It was a wild boar. It got him!

Robert: Damn that boar! I can't believe I missed my thrust and he gored me. I was drinking too much wine.

Ned: Gross! Let me see.

Ned lifts up some blankets covering him and sees the bandages that go from groin to nipple.

Ned: Oh dude, you are going to die.

Cersei: What? Is he? OH NO! My poor, poor husband. I'm so sad! I'm so, so... sa... ahhahaha, oh man. I can't even fake it anymore.

Robert: Shut up, woman! Everyone out of here! Now! I need to speak with Ned alone.

Pycelle: Not before I give you some more milk of the poppy for your pain.

The king slaps the opium from Pycelle's hand. 

Robert: Get that shit out my face. I'm already high as fuck. I don't want to spend the rest of my short-ass life sleeping.

Everyone leaves except for Ned. 

Ned: Damnit Robert, why do you have to be so headstrong? Taking on that boar.

Robert: Shut up, bro. I killed the thing though. In the end. I got it.

Ned: Yeah, congrats. A fat lot of good that's going to do.

Robert: *sigh*... You know, this is probably the milk of the poppy talking, but you were right, Ned. About that Targaryen girl, I mean. I shouldn't have sent people to kill her. I mean kill a little girl? What was I thinking? I had a bunch of yes men around me telling me that it was a good idea. The only one who balled up and disagreed with me was you.

Ned: Indeed, I am awesome.  But you can't die, man. The kingdom needs you!

Robert: Pffft, forget that. I was a terrible king. You know it.

Ned: Not as bad as Mad King Aerys though.

Robert: True, true. At least I'll have that. Now pull out a pen and paper. I need you to write up my last will and testament.

Ned: Aiiii'ght.

Robert: I, Robert Baratheon, First of My Name and King of the Andals and all that other shit. You know all those titles, Ned. Write them down. Anyway, I hereby do appoint Eddard Stark to serve as Lord Regent and Protector of the Seven Kingdoms until my son, Joffrey, comes of age.

Ned: Uhh... Robert... about that... you know how I said we needed to talk about something important before you left? Well...

Ned then thinks about it for a bit. Is he REALLY going to tell a dying man that his wife was cheating on him with her OWN BROTHER and that his son isn't really his son - but instead a gross-ass child of incest that for some reason doesn't have flippers for arms and like country music?  No, Ned decides. He should just let Robert die in peace in ignorance to that fact. It won't matter anyway. 

Robert: Well, speak up you damn fool! Do you have something to say?

Ned: Ahhh, nah. It's all good. Like you said, "I hereby do appoint Eddard Stark to serve as the Lord Regent and Protector until my heir comes of age."

Ned snickers at that, knowing that Stannis is Ned's rightful heir and he's already of age. Ned knows his regency is going to be a short one. REALLY FUCKING SHORT.

Robert: Okay, now hand it to me and I'll sign it. Oh, and also rescind the order on killing that Targaryen girl.

Robert gives a weak, pathetic signature on the document. Ned then opens the door to let everyone else back in. Everyone who was there before comes back in, except for Cersei who is long gone. 

Ned: Hahaha, good. She better start running!

Robert: Now Renly, Pycelle... watch as the wax of my seal is applied to this last will and testament. You will serve as the very trustworthy witnesses to prove that this is a legitimate will.

Renly: Sure!

Renly says as he gets on his iPhone and looks at plane tickets to get the fuck out of Kings Landing, ASAP. 

Pycelle: Absolutely!

Pycelle says as he gets on his iPhone texts Cersei everything that is happening. 

Robert: Then it is done. Pycelle, give me that milk of the poppy now. I will dream. I promise to say hello to Lyanna for you, Ned. After I'm done nailing her ghost! Hahaha, you know what I mean.

Ned: Gross, that's my dead sister, man.

Robert: And protect my children, Ned! Protect them!

Ned: Uhh.... suuuuuuure?

Ned kind of feels bad since he's totally not going to do that. But he convinces himself that he's not lying by assuring himself that he'll protect all of Robert's REAL children - his bastards like Gendry, Edric Storm, and Mya Stone. 

Pycelle gives the king the opium and Robert soon fades to sleep.

Pycelle: There, I have done all I can for him. His wounds had already mortified before he got here. He's a dead man.

Renly: He killed that boar though. Even with his guts hanging out. It was sick AF. I recorded a video of it to post on Rotten.Com. Because this book is from the 1990's that's still a relevant thing.

Ned: Robert was never one to leave a battle with his enemy still standing. Plus that fat ass probably really wanted some bacon.

Ned goes to the door. 

Ned: Ser Barristan, the King is not to be disturbed by anyone. You hear me?

Barristan: *sniff*... This is my fault. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't.

Ned: Now, now. Robert didn't blame you at all. How can you protect the king against himself? Besides, he blamed the wine.

Barristan: Oh yeah, he was DRUNK. Crazy drunk.

Varys: Ah, yes he was. And I wonder who gave him all that wine!

Ned: Varys?!?! When the hell did you enter this scene?

Varys: Just now!

Ned: SELMY!!! Didn't I just tell you that nobody was to disturb the King? Like, you know you're supposed to watch guard here or something. And yet you still let Varys just randomly appear like that and be here.

Barristan: He kind of does that. Anyway... to get back to the plot point being raised here. Why... the man who gave Robert all the wine was his squire - Lancel LANNISTER!

Ned: Hrm...

Ned writes that in the CSI Notebook.

Ned: Oh, and eunich... Robert orders that the Targaryen girl is not to be murdered.

Varys: *sigh*... The birds to order her execution have already been flown. But I suppose new birds can be sent out. Good luck with that. It's probably already too late.

Ned then leaves, to go attend to important matters of being the Regent. And he also needs to make sure his daughters are taken out of town ASAP. But Renly catches up with him. 

Renly: Hey man! I'm guessing my brother's will named you as the Regent, huh?

Ned: Yep.

Renly: Great! Now is the time to strike! I can offer you 100 loyal swords. We take the Red Keep and seize those stupid children. Maybe do what Richard III did with his brother's kids, if you know what I mean.

Ned: WHAT? Your brother isn't even dead yet and you're already plotting? No way. Besides, Robert might still yet live. Sometimes the gods are merciful.

Renly: Somehow I figured you'd say some dumb shit like that.

Renly goes back to his phone and clicks "Purchase" on those flights he was looking at.

Renly: See ya never.

Renly runs off and Ned returns to the Hand of the Tower. There he orders his servants to help arrange for the ship to take Sansa and Arya back to Winterfell. He wonders if he should have accepted Renly's offer though. He'll need every man he can get.

Ned: Oh, and while you're sailing back... do you mind taking a quick pit stop at Dragonstone to deliver this message to Stannis?

Ned hands over a sealed letter that says FOR STANNIS'S EYES ONLY.  It's just a little message about how the King's children are incest bastards and how Stannis is the rightful heir. His servant nods and takes the letters away. What is his servant's name? It doesn't matter at this point... all these people will be dead in a few chapters anyway. 

Ned: What was that, narrator?

Nothing. 

Littlefinger then walks in the room. 

Ned: DAMNIT! Why are you always showing up here, Baelish?

Littlefinger: Actually, this time you sent a summon for me to come.

Ned: Oh yeah, right.

Littlefinger: Congrats on being named Lord Regent and Protector of the Realm though.

Ned: SHIT! How did you know that already?

Littlefinger: Dude, I know everything.

Ned: Oh yeah? Well I know something you didn't! The reason JON ARRYN WAS MURDERED!

DUN DUNNN DUNNNNNN!!!!!

Littlefinger: Because he worked out that Cersei's children were really products of incest sex with her brother Jaime?

Ned: GODDAMNIT, BAELISH! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT TOO? Or... wait... have you always known?

Littlefinger: Maybe?

Ned: I intend to offer the throne to Stannis, the rightful heir.

Littlefinger: Yeah, you could do that, I suppose. OORRRRR.... now here me out here... just listen to this slightly alternative proposal... you could NOT do that and instead offer the throne to Joffrey and pretend you never figured out any of this incest stuff.

Ned: WHAT?! I would never do that! It would be dishonorable! It's not the truth.

Littlefinger: Oh, I hear you. I hear you, Ned. It would indeed be a slight upon your "honor." But let's add a little nuance to this whole "honor" thing, shall we? Let's say you tell everyone the truth. Then what happens? The kingdom is plunged into war. Obviously the Lannisters won't give up the claim easily. Stannis will seek the head of Cersei and execute the innocent children. Lord Tywin Lannister will obviously march on Kings Landing. And you know who will side with him? A TON OF PEOPLE. Nobody likes Stannis. And I mean NOBODY. Just think about all the people who sided with the Targaryens in the war. Do you think they like Stannis after how he fought them and killed all of them? Nope. They'll all easily pick team Lannister.  The end result of telling the truth will be a bloody civil war that kills THOUSANDS. The countryside will run red with blood. Boys not yet grown to men will be put in armor and fight on battlefields to uselessly die based on the fact that it was one dude's sperm put inside of a woman's cooch rather than another man's sperm. Raiders will storm villages and rape and kill civilians. Now... let's instead suggest that you DON'T tell the truth. Instead you make peace with the Lannisters, have your kids marry their kids, and BAM... peace! Nobody dies! And you're the Lord Protector of the Realm and essentially get to control the child king and rule in his place. And you know what? Even if we do all that, it's not like we're stuck with them for life. We will always know the truth and can whip the truth out later and a point that's convenient. Like a year from now we can pretend that we JUST learned the truth about the parentage at a time we're prepared and able to make sure that the kingdom won't plunge into hellish war. Then we can quickly install Stannis or whoever on the throne. Hell, nobody likes Stannis so we could make it Renly if we wanted.

Ned: NO! That would be dishonorable!

Littlefinger: Is that your final answer? That's what you're going with? You say that the "honorable" thing to do is to plunge the kingdom into civil war that will last for years and kill thousands of innocents? Instead of preserving the peace and using the knowledge we already have at a later point where we can still oust the Lannisters and you can still have revenge for the murder of Jon Arryn, Jory Cassel and the attempted assassination of your son Bran?

Ned: Yes.

Littlefinger: Okay, but I just want to point out here to everyone that always writes about how I'm the mega-villain in this series who does the most evil, twisted stuff that it was I, Petyr Baelish, who at this point in time proposed a well-thought-out plan that would essentially save the lives of everyone who is about to die. It is Littlefinger who pleaded and begged for a way to prevent a war. So, you know, remember this speech, right here. Remember what I tried to do. Remember that every single character death of people you love after Book I, Chapter 47 could have been avoided if Ned simply listened to Littlefinger and did what Littlefinger suggested.

Ned: Who are you talking to?

Littlefinger: It's called an aside, Ned. You're not supposed to mention fourth-wall shit like that.

Ned: Littlefinger... you promised to protect my wife, Cat. Well now it's time to make good with that promise. Help protect her by making sure the City Watch sides with me when I reveal this all to the court! When I reveal the truth!

Littlefinger: *sigh*... I tried.  Yeah, suuuuure, Ned. I'll do that.

Ned: Good! And I like the way you honestly and non-sarcastically committed to be on my side for this.

Ned then thinks about something someone once said about not trusting anyone, but he can't remember the context or who said it. So he shrugs it off.