Lord Commander Mormont: Oh, hey Jon... how the fuck you doing?
Raven: CORN!
Jon Snow: Oh, I'm fine. Just fine. Not in CONSTANT, UNENDING PAIN FROM THESE BURNS ALL OVER MY HAND. You remember, right? The ones I got from throwing a burning curtain on a zombie that was attacking your naked ass?
Mormont: Geez, you're so whiny. Well look on the bright side, at least your flesh can burn. That proves you're not a Targaryen or anything.
Jon: What? Why did you mention that? Who has accused me of being a Targaryen? Everyone knows that I'm Ned Stark's bastard.
Mormont: Eh, I don't know why I said that.
Jon: Besides... is that a fact? That Targaryens can't burn? I'm pretty sure they can burn and that's just a myth.
Mormont: *shrugs* Maybe we should go to Aemon and figure that out. Hehehe.
Jon: Huh? Why would Aemon know? Oh right... because he's a learn-ed scholar with years of training from the citadel. He studied to become a maester and knows many things. Good point.
Mormont: Uhhh... yessssss. That's what I was implying. Anyway, moving on... thanks for setting fire to zombie Othor for me. THAT WAS CRAZY! Dead bodies coming alive and turning into ice zombie people? Hope that the burns on your hand don't cause too much damage.
Jon: Aemon says I'll be fine. Fine except for the SCARS I'LL HAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Physical and emotional!!! Dude, you should all be glad I sleep by myself with Ghost. I don't want anyone else seeing how messed up I am having nightmares about those Wights. I had one the other night and it had my father's face.
Mormont: Well, you're not the only one injured by the fire. I mean just look at this!
Mormont points to his former beard, which is now shaved off because some of it was slightly tinged by the fire. After a tiny bit of hair burned off from one side it looked uneven, so he cut all the rest off.
Jon: That's some serious first world problems there, Lord Commander.
Mormont: Well, if you're going to insult me I might as well give you an update that the rangers have returned from their search and still haven't found any sign of your uncle Benjen, meaning he's almost certainly dead or perhaps transformed into a half-dead, half-alive guide named "Coldhands." I dunno. That last bit is just a random guess. Anyway, they didn't spot any more wights though either. So that's a good thing. But rest assured there are more out there. The cold is coming in and the dead will rise. OoOoOOoooo...
Jon: Anyway, I saw that there was a raven last night. Any news? Anything about my father?
Raven: CORN!
Mormont: Dude, I would have told you about that if there was word. And nothing about your sisters either. No, the news was about Barristan Selmy. He was kicked out of the Kingsguard. Now he's wanted for treason after killing two Gold Cloaks who tried to arrest him. That is so messed up. What kind of idiot king sends city guards to arrest an honorable member of the Kingsguard? Not the kind of king we should have on the throne while the Others are waking from thousands of years of sleep and the dead are rising from their graves.
Jon still isn't sure if Mormont is telling him everything from the letters. Perhaps he's just telling certain parts and leaving out others.
Mormont: So, when does Aemon think you'll be able to use a sword again?
Jon: Soon.
Mormont: Good, I got you this.
Mormont unsheaths a sword and hands it to Snow.
Mormont: This is Longclaw, ancestral blade of the House Mormont that goes back five hundred years. Forged from Valyrian steel. It used to have the pommel of a bear on it, but that was burned in the fire. So I had it re-done with the pommel of a wolf and I give it to you.
Jon: HOLY SHIT! What an honor! I... I... I don't even have words, Jeor. I shouldn't be given this! It belongs to your family. It should go to your real son, not to me!
Mormont: My real son? Oh, you mean that dipshit traitor and slave-trader Jorah? Even he was smart enough to leave the sword behind when he shamefully fled this country to Essos. No, you're like my, new, adopted son. I give this to you.
Jon: Hrm... if I didn't know better than I'd say this fine blade is halfway between an Oakeshott Type XIII longsword and an Oakshott Type XIIa greatsword, making it a... bastard sword.
Mormont starts giggling.
Jon: You're giving me a bastard sword?
Mormont: No. Really. It's a great honor. Ahahahahaha.
Jon: Fine. Whatever. This thing is Valyrian steel. It's probably worth like a bajillion dollars on eBay. I was always a bastard so I knew I'd never inherit Ice from my father. So, I'll take it.
Mormont: Of course, since a bastard sword can be swung one-handed or two-handed, you'll have to learn to swing with two hands now. When your hand is well enough, the new master-at-arms, Endrew Tarth, will teach you.
Jon: Whoa, whoa, whoa.... NEW master-at-arms? Alliser Thorne is the master-at-arms. What happened? Oh please say he died! Everyone hates that guy.
Mormont: No, I'm sending him to King's Landing with the hand of zombie Jafer Flowers to prove to the new king that the dead are rising. Alliser will show them how dire the situation is, and how much we need assistance and more men up here.
Jon: Oh SHIT! You mean in Season 7 I could have just sent the HAND of a zombie to Kings Landing rather than bring an entire zombie in a box? That makes so much more sense!
Raven: Stop talking about the TV show... I mean... ah... CORN!
Mormont: Huh? What are you talking about, boy?
Jon: Nevermind. Woo-hoo to getting rid of Thorne though.
Mormont: Yeah, whatever. Don't think I agree with all this shit you're pulling or think you can get out of being grounded for punching that dude in the face just because you saved my life.
Jon: But... but... but...
Mormont: Spare me your butts, boy. Do I look like Ser Mix a Lot to you? You're still my servant... now go fetch me some fucking dinner.
Jon goes to get Mormont his dinner. As he walks around, he tries to be all sly showing off his new sword. It's pretty obvious though.
Pyp: Jon! How's it going man?
Jon: Oh, me AND MY NEW SWORD are doing fine. Oh, DID MY NEW SWORD accidentally poke you?
Pyp: No, it didn't.
Jon: Oh, never mind then. By the way, did you notice that MY NEW SWORD is sweet-ass Valyrian steel?
Pyp: So Jeor Mormont gave that to you? As a gift?
Jon: Yeah.
Pyp: As a gift for what? You burned down half of his fucking tower.
Jon: Uh, yeah. I burned down his tower while killing a zombie. You're forgetting about the zombie killing part. Also, probably some spiders. I probably killed spiders.
Pyp: Which zombie did you kill again? The Othor one? So what did the Jafer Flowers zombie do?
Jon: Eh, he killed like four people before then killing Ser Jaremy Rykker.
Pyp: WHAT?! Ser Jaremy?! You mean the guy who became the First Ranger after your uncle went missing? The guy who was somewhat important in the last few chapters on the wall?
Jon: Yep. Don't bother remembering that name anymore. Another one of 10,000 characters you can forget. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fetch the Lord Commander's dinner.
Jon goes on and does all that.
Later he's back in his room with Ghost and is still really freaked out, thinking about the zombie and its dead blue eyes. He also thinks about his half-brother, Robb, fighting down in the Riverlands.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Hey! I see that pommel on your new sword. It's a white wolf. That's totally me! Fucking badass sword, man!]
There is a knock at the door and Sam lets himself in.
Jon: Hahaha, you wanna see my sword too?
Sam: Dude, I'm straight.
Jon: No, that wasn't a penis joke. I mean my new sword, Longclaw.
Sam: Oh. No. I grew up with my dad's stupid Valyrian steel sword hanging over the mantle at home. I know what it looks like and I don't give a shit. Aemon wants to see you.
Jon: Why does Aemon want to see me? You snitching on me, Sam? You tell him that I knew about my brother down in the Riverlands? Stitches to snitches!
Sam: Please, I didn't need to tell Aemon anything. Anyone could guess that you know since you're such a mopey bitch all the time and you got no poker face.
Jon goes to see Aemon. Clydas is there.
Clydas: YEE HAW!!! Good to see you, Jonny Boy! Hey! I'm fixin' to jump my orange 1969 Dodge Charger across the ol' crick. You wanna watch?
Jon: No.
Clydas: Ah. Well, also I'm helping the Maester out with the ravens.
Aemon: Get out of here, Clydas. I would like to speak with Jon alone.
Clydas: Ok, off to the Boar's Nest and hit on that cute waitress who works there! You know... the one with those tight, short, daisy duke jean shorts?
Jon: You mean Daisy Duke?
Clydas: YEP! That's the one!
Jon: Your cousin?
Clydas: YEP!
Jon: Oh right, because you're from Georgia. Never mind. Carry on.
Clydas leaves and no matter how much you like it or dislike it, every time Clydas and/or Chett appear... I am going to make jokes that they are the replacement cousins from Season 5 of Dukes of Hazzard. I know that this is the bottom-of-the-barrel with respect to my running jokes, but you're going to have to deal with it.
Jon: Gross. People who are sexually interested in their cousins is gross. The only thing I could think of that which would be more gross is being sexually attracted to your aunt.
Aemon: Get over here Jon and help me feed these ravens.
Jon: Is that why you summoned me here? So I could feed some damn ravens?
Aemon: Shut the fuck up and listen to me tell you a long allegory about choosing between duty and family.
Jon: Is this going to be boring?
Aemon: You know, you're not the only person who had to choose between duty and family. I've had to do that plenty of times. At least three that I can think of - once as a boy, once as a young man in my prime, and once as an old man.
Jon: Well, I'm sure it's nothing like my story. My brother is going off to war, and I have to--
Aemon: --YES, IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR STORY, DIPSHIT! That's why I'm telling it. It involves war. Let me tell you about the last time. I got word that my brother's grandson, Aerys II was killed. Brutally murdered by Jaime Lannister.
Jon: Hey, interesting! Jaime Lannister similarly murdered a king that was named Aerys II! What a coincidence. He must really like killing guys named Aerys II.
Aemon: Then, to follow that up was the news that his son, Rhaegar, was also murdered. And then Rhaegar's little children, just babies, Rhaenys and Aegon, were also murdered. My whole family was being slaughtered. The last of my family! I wanted to help them. I wanted to be there for them. But I couldn't. I had already sworn my life to the Maesters of the Citadel and then later to Castle Black.
Jon: Wait, I'm super confused. Why do all your family members have the same last name as the Targar--OH SHIT, IT JUST HIT ME, YOU'RE A FUCKING TARGARYEN!!!!!!!!
Aemon: Yes. My father was Maekar, the First of His Name. My brother was Aegon V, aka Aegon the Unlikely.
Jon: Wow, with all these Targaryen revelations... this seems like the perfect time to segue into a Daenerys chapter!
Raven: CORN!
Jon Snow: Oh, I'm fine. Just fine. Not in CONSTANT, UNENDING PAIN FROM THESE BURNS ALL OVER MY HAND. You remember, right? The ones I got from throwing a burning curtain on a zombie that was attacking your naked ass?
Mormont: Geez, you're so whiny. Well look on the bright side, at least your flesh can burn. That proves you're not a Targaryen or anything.
Jon: What? Why did you mention that? Who has accused me of being a Targaryen? Everyone knows that I'm Ned Stark's bastard.
Mormont: Eh, I don't know why I said that.
Jon: Besides... is that a fact? That Targaryens can't burn? I'm pretty sure they can burn and that's just a myth.
Mormont: *shrugs* Maybe we should go to Aemon and figure that out. Hehehe.
Jon: Huh? Why would Aemon know? Oh right... because he's a learn-ed scholar with years of training from the citadel. He studied to become a maester and knows many things. Good point.
Mormont: Uhhh... yessssss. That's what I was implying. Anyway, moving on... thanks for setting fire to zombie Othor for me. THAT WAS CRAZY! Dead bodies coming alive and turning into ice zombie people? Hope that the burns on your hand don't cause too much damage.
Jon: Aemon says I'll be fine. Fine except for the SCARS I'LL HAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Physical and emotional!!! Dude, you should all be glad I sleep by myself with Ghost. I don't want anyone else seeing how messed up I am having nightmares about those Wights. I had one the other night and it had my father's face.
Mormont: Well, you're not the only one injured by the fire. I mean just look at this!
Mormont points to his former beard, which is now shaved off because some of it was slightly tinged by the fire. After a tiny bit of hair burned off from one side it looked uneven, so he cut all the rest off.
Jon: That's some serious first world problems there, Lord Commander.
Mormont: Well, if you're going to insult me I might as well give you an update that the rangers have returned from their search and still haven't found any sign of your uncle Benjen, meaning he's almost certainly dead or perhaps transformed into a half-dead, half-alive guide named "Coldhands." I dunno. That last bit is just a random guess. Anyway, they didn't spot any more wights though either. So that's a good thing. But rest assured there are more out there. The cold is coming in and the dead will rise. OoOoOOoooo...
Jon: Anyway, I saw that there was a raven last night. Any news? Anything about my father?
Raven: CORN!
Mormont: Dude, I would have told you about that if there was word. And nothing about your sisters either. No, the news was about Barristan Selmy. He was kicked out of the Kingsguard. Now he's wanted for treason after killing two Gold Cloaks who tried to arrest him. That is so messed up. What kind of idiot king sends city guards to arrest an honorable member of the Kingsguard? Not the kind of king we should have on the throne while the Others are waking from thousands of years of sleep and the dead are rising from their graves.
Jon still isn't sure if Mormont is telling him everything from the letters. Perhaps he's just telling certain parts and leaving out others.
Mormont: So, when does Aemon think you'll be able to use a sword again?
Jon: Soon.
Mormont: Good, I got you this.
Mormont unsheaths a sword and hands it to Snow.
Mormont: This is Longclaw, ancestral blade of the House Mormont that goes back five hundred years. Forged from Valyrian steel. It used to have the pommel of a bear on it, but that was burned in the fire. So I had it re-done with the pommel of a wolf and I give it to you.
Jon: HOLY SHIT! What an honor! I... I... I don't even have words, Jeor. I shouldn't be given this! It belongs to your family. It should go to your real son, not to me!
Mormont: My real son? Oh, you mean that dipshit traitor and slave-trader Jorah? Even he was smart enough to leave the sword behind when he shamefully fled this country to Essos. No, you're like my, new, adopted son. I give this to you.
Jon: Hrm... if I didn't know better than I'd say this fine blade is halfway between an Oakeshott Type XIII longsword and an Oakshott Type XIIa greatsword, making it a... bastard sword.
Mormont starts giggling.
Jon: You're giving me a bastard sword?
Mormont: No. Really. It's a great honor. Ahahahahaha.
Jon: Fine. Whatever. This thing is Valyrian steel. It's probably worth like a bajillion dollars on eBay. I was always a bastard so I knew I'd never inherit Ice from my father. So, I'll take it.
Mormont: Of course, since a bastard sword can be swung one-handed or two-handed, you'll have to learn to swing with two hands now. When your hand is well enough, the new master-at-arms, Endrew Tarth, will teach you.
Jon: Whoa, whoa, whoa.... NEW master-at-arms? Alliser Thorne is the master-at-arms. What happened? Oh please say he died! Everyone hates that guy.
Mormont: No, I'm sending him to King's Landing with the hand of zombie Jafer Flowers to prove to the new king that the dead are rising. Alliser will show them how dire the situation is, and how much we need assistance and more men up here.
Jon: Oh SHIT! You mean in Season 7 I could have just sent the HAND of a zombie to Kings Landing rather than bring an entire zombie in a box? That makes so much more sense!
Raven: Stop talking about the TV show... I mean... ah... CORN!
Mormont: Huh? What are you talking about, boy?
Jon: Nevermind. Woo-hoo to getting rid of Thorne though.
Mormont: Yeah, whatever. Don't think I agree with all this shit you're pulling or think you can get out of being grounded for punching that dude in the face just because you saved my life.
Jon: But... but... but...
Mormont: Spare me your butts, boy. Do I look like Ser Mix a Lot to you? You're still my servant... now go fetch me some fucking dinner.
Jon goes to get Mormont his dinner. As he walks around, he tries to be all sly showing off his new sword. It's pretty obvious though.
Pyp: Jon! How's it going man?
Jon: Oh, me AND MY NEW SWORD are doing fine. Oh, DID MY NEW SWORD accidentally poke you?
Pyp: No, it didn't.
Jon: Oh, never mind then. By the way, did you notice that MY NEW SWORD is sweet-ass Valyrian steel?
Pyp: So Jeor Mormont gave that to you? As a gift?
Jon: Yeah.
Pyp: As a gift for what? You burned down half of his fucking tower.
Jon: Uh, yeah. I burned down his tower while killing a zombie. You're forgetting about the zombie killing part. Also, probably some spiders. I probably killed spiders.
Pyp: Which zombie did you kill again? The Othor one? So what did the Jafer Flowers zombie do?
Jon: Eh, he killed like four people before then killing Ser Jaremy Rykker.
Pyp: WHAT?! Ser Jaremy?! You mean the guy who became the First Ranger after your uncle went missing? The guy who was somewhat important in the last few chapters on the wall?
Jon: Yep. Don't bother remembering that name anymore. Another one of 10,000 characters you can forget. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fetch the Lord Commander's dinner.
Jon goes on and does all that.
Later he's back in his room with Ghost and is still really freaked out, thinking about the zombie and its dead blue eyes. He also thinks about his half-brother, Robb, fighting down in the Riverlands.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Hey! I see that pommel on your new sword. It's a white wolf. That's totally me! Fucking badass sword, man!]
There is a knock at the door and Sam lets himself in.
Jon: Hahaha, you wanna see my sword too?
Sam: Dude, I'm straight.
Jon: No, that wasn't a penis joke. I mean my new sword, Longclaw.
Sam: Oh. No. I grew up with my dad's stupid Valyrian steel sword hanging over the mantle at home. I know what it looks like and I don't give a shit. Aemon wants to see you.
Jon: Why does Aemon want to see me? You snitching on me, Sam? You tell him that I knew about my brother down in the Riverlands? Stitches to snitches!
Sam: Please, I didn't need to tell Aemon anything. Anyone could guess that you know since you're such a mopey bitch all the time and you got no poker face.
Jon goes to see Aemon. Clydas is there.
Clydas: YEE HAW!!! Good to see you, Jonny Boy! Hey! I'm fixin' to jump my orange 1969 Dodge Charger across the ol' crick. You wanna watch?
Jon: No.
Clydas: Ah. Well, also I'm helping the Maester out with the ravens.
Aemon: Get out of here, Clydas. I would like to speak with Jon alone.
Clydas: Ok, off to the Boar's Nest and hit on that cute waitress who works there! You know... the one with those tight, short, daisy duke jean shorts?
Jon: You mean Daisy Duke?
Clydas: YEP! That's the one!
Jon: Your cousin?
Clydas: YEP!
Jon: Oh right, because you're from Georgia. Never mind. Carry on.
Clydas leaves and no matter how much you like it or dislike it, every time Clydas and/or Chett appear... I am going to make jokes that they are the replacement cousins from Season 5 of Dukes of Hazzard. I know that this is the bottom-of-the-barrel with respect to my running jokes, but you're going to have to deal with it.
Jon: Gross. People who are sexually interested in their cousins is gross. The only thing I could think of that which would be more gross is being sexually attracted to your aunt.
Aemon: Get over here Jon and help me feed these ravens.
Jon: Is that why you summoned me here? So I could feed some damn ravens?
Aemon: Shut the fuck up and listen to me tell you a long allegory about choosing between duty and family.
Jon: Is this going to be boring?
Aemon: You know, you're not the only person who had to choose between duty and family. I've had to do that plenty of times. At least three that I can think of - once as a boy, once as a young man in my prime, and once as an old man.
Jon: Well, I'm sure it's nothing like my story. My brother is going off to war, and I have to--
Aemon: --YES, IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR STORY, DIPSHIT! That's why I'm telling it. It involves war. Let me tell you about the last time. I got word that my brother's grandson, Aerys II was killed. Brutally murdered by Jaime Lannister.
Jon: Hey, interesting! Jaime Lannister similarly murdered a king that was named Aerys II! What a coincidence. He must really like killing guys named Aerys II.
Aemon: Then, to follow that up was the news that his son, Rhaegar, was also murdered. And then Rhaegar's little children, just babies, Rhaenys and Aegon, were also murdered. My whole family was being slaughtered. The last of my family! I wanted to help them. I wanted to be there for them. But I couldn't. I had already sworn my life to the Maesters of the Citadel and then later to Castle Black.
Jon: Wait, I'm super confused. Why do all your family members have the same last name as the Targar--OH SHIT, IT JUST HIT ME, YOU'RE A FUCKING TARGARYEN!!!!!!!!
Aemon: Yes. My father was Maekar, the First of His Name. My brother was Aegon V, aka Aegon the Unlikely.
Jon: Wow, with all these Targaryen revelations... this seems like the perfect time to segue into a Daenerys chapter!
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