Khal Drogo is looking super weak and swaying back and forth on his horse. A bunch of flies are circling him like a corpse and he doesn't even bat them away. Finally, he falls out of the saddle and to the ground.
Dany: Oh honey, no! We need to stop and rest!
Dany tries to pick him up and carry him, but Drogo will have none of it.
Drogo: No Dan Ares Wife. Khal who no ride is no Khal. I must get up and ride.
Drogo's bloodriders ride up to see what all the commotion is.
Dany: Uhh... NOTHING TO SEE HERE! Drogo is doing fine. Just fine. It's just that... uhh... I'm a bit tired. So how about we stop and set up camp here? And Qotho, go get Mirri Maz Duur for me.
The bloodriders are not happy with the orders, but they obey. Although to be fair - the tradition of the Dothraki is that the bloodriders have to die too when their Khal dies. So I imagine nothing about this whole "Drogo is dying" thing is that appealing to them.
Dany and her maidens help bathe Drogo once the tent is set up. Then Jorah shows up.
Jorah: HEY! I read a line that was something about "Dany" and "Bathing!" Oh... oh... she's just bathing Drogo. Never mind, I'm less interested now.
Reminder: Dany is still jailbait. This is pretty much an episode of MTV Teen Moms.
Dany begins to rip off Drogo's plaster to look at the wound. When she does, it smells awful. Just like Robert after the boar attack. Although Dany wouldn't know anything about that because it was a continent away with different characters. I'm just trying to give you all a comparison.
Jorah: Oh shit, that smells like death. I'm sorry, Khalessi... but the wound has corrupted. Drogo is doomed. Oh, also, everyone in the whole camp has already heard that Drogo fell off his horse. You trying to hush it up was not effective. You should escape now before your husband dies.
Dany: What? Escape? Why would I escape?
Jorah: You know the rules. When a Khal dies, his wife is sent back to Vaes Dothrak and you'll become part of the dosh khaleen - the old spinsters who sit around, play bridge, and talk about their cats.
Dany: I do like cats!
Jorah: My god, it's happening already and you're still only old enough to be a freshman in high school.
Dany: Anyway, you and the blood riders will protect me, right? You won't let me be taken back to Vaes Dothrak.
Jorah: Actually, it is the blood riders JOB to bring you back. Their last job. Once Drogo dies, they must take you there and then kill themselves to join their Khal.
Dany: Wow, that is so messed up. But I'm not leaving my beloved Drogo. Moon of my moon, my sun and stars or however that saying goes. I forget.
Qotho then returns with Mirri Maz Duur.
Dany: What the hell, Mirri? You said you would heal him! Now look at him, he's dying!
Mirri Maz Duur: Oh, you're going to blame this on me? Do you remember what I said? I said he needed to leave his plaster on. Did he? No! He tore it off so that he could scratch himself. I said that he needed to abstain from milk of the poppy. What's he doing? Drinking milk of the poppy! I said he needed to NOT feed the Mogwai after midnight. And what did he do? JUST LOOK!
A bunch of evil Gremlins are running around in the tent causing havoc, led by Stripe. Gizmo looks down in shame.
Qotho: This your fault, witch!
Qotho starts beating Mirri. Haggo joins in too because beating women is something that Dothraki are pretty good at.
Dany: STOP! STOP!
Qotho: Why we listen to you? Wife of dying Khal! Maybe we take you out and rape you too with this witch.
Dany: Oh shit, you did NOT just say that. JORAH!
Jorah draws his sword. The bloodriders back away.
Dany: Put on your armor, Jorah. I have an odd suspicion there will be a fight scene later in this chapter.
Jorah: Yes, Khaleesi.
He leaves to do so. And now that everyone has gone, Dany turns to Mirri.
Dany: So... Mirri... you know a bunch of witch dark magic shit, huh?
Mirri Maz Duur: Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I might have memorized every single line in The Craft. What's it to you?
Dany: Save my husband! Make it so that he doesn't die!
Mirri Maz Duur: Hrm... I do know some blood magic, learned in the far off Shadow Lands. But it's called "blood magic" for a reason. To gain life, you must pay with life. You dig?
Dany: What? You mean like MY life? Because if so, fuck that.
Mirri Maz Duur: No. Not your life.
Dany: Okay, then DEAL!
Mirri Maz Duur: What? Really? It was that easy? You're just going to shout "deal" like that and agree without getting the specifics of this deal?
Dany: Yes.
Mirri Maz Duur: You've never heard the phrase, "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it"?
Dany: Yes. I have heard that before. There was already a Pussycat Dolls joke about that back in Chapter 10. Why?
Mirri Maz Duur: Ever heard of the "deal with the devil" trope? You know... how you make a deal with an untrustworthy, mysterious person using the dark arts and they interpret the deal in a way that goes completely against the intent of the person who wanted the deal and yet is completely consistent with the actual words of the deal.
Dany: Oh yeah! I once saw this episode of Tales from the Crypt where Andrew McCarthy had a huge crush on Mariel Hemingway. He wanted her to love him, but she didn't. But his landlord was this guy who claimed to have this love potion that would make Mariel Hemingway love him forever. And so he made this deal with him and got the love potion. And at first it worked. Mariel Hemingway was totally into Andrew McCarthy and digging him. But then it got crazy. She was SUPER OBSESSED with him and it became too much. I forget what happened after that. I think maybe he had to kill her or something because she was so obsessed. But remember how I said that the love potion made it so that she would love him FOREVER, right? So even after she was killed, her corpse came back and was still in love with him.
Mirri Maz Duur: Yes, well. It's kind of like that.
Dany: I'm sorry. What were we talking about again? I forget. I was thinking about Mariel Hemingway. So sad.
Mirri Maz Duur: What's sad about Mariel Hemingway?
Dany: You know. How she killed herself.
Mirri Maz Duur: She didn't.
Dany: What?
Mirri Maz Duur: You're thinking of Margaux Hemingway. Mariel Hemingway is still alive and doing well.
Dany: Oh.
Mirri Maz Duur: You know what? Never mind. You already made the deal. Let's just go through with this already. Could you bring me a horse?
And so Mirri Maz Duur puts Drogo in a bathtub, slits a horse's throat and bathes Drogo in the blood, and starts chanting. It pretty much sounds like the opening few minutes of Iron Maiden's "Sign of the Cross."
The tent begins to glow with fiery shadows of ghosts and shit. Awesome.
Jhogo: NO! NO! DANY! PLEASE STOP THIS! YOU MUST NOT USE BLACK MAGIC!
Outside, a crowd gathers.
Qotho: Oh shit! Me have to kill witch! Then Dany!
Qotho goes in for the kill, but Jorah runs back onto the scene just in time to kill him... but not without taking a slice of arakh to the hip.
Oustide, Khal Drogo's other bloodriders and Dany's khas have begun a full-on Dothraki-versus-Dothraki civil war.
Chief of Staff John Kelly: Really, the cause of this civil war was a failure to compromise.
Jorah Mormont then cuts down John Kelly.
The civil war quickly ends, with the bloodriders being killed. Which is, I guess, convenient considering that they were supposed to die soon anyway.
The ritual comes to an end and the crowd begins to disperse. Mostly because they're scared AF. Dany is now weak and can barely pick herself up.
Dany: Uhh... also... I think my water just broke.
Jorah: CALL THE BIRTHING WOMEN! CALL THE BIRTHING WOMEN!
Doreah: They ran away. They think Dany is cursed for calling upon black magic!
Jorah: What?! Then who can help out with this birthing if the birthing women have fled?
Mirri Maz Duur: Hehehehe, I think I know a thing or two about birthing. Learned it on Goop!
Dany: Oh honey, no! We need to stop and rest!
Dany tries to pick him up and carry him, but Drogo will have none of it.
Drogo: No Dan Ares Wife. Khal who no ride is no Khal. I must get up and ride.
Drogo's bloodriders ride up to see what all the commotion is.
Dany: Uhh... NOTHING TO SEE HERE! Drogo is doing fine. Just fine. It's just that... uhh... I'm a bit tired. So how about we stop and set up camp here? And Qotho, go get Mirri Maz Duur for me.
The bloodriders are not happy with the orders, but they obey. Although to be fair - the tradition of the Dothraki is that the bloodriders have to die too when their Khal dies. So I imagine nothing about this whole "Drogo is dying" thing is that appealing to them.
Dany and her maidens help bathe Drogo once the tent is set up. Then Jorah shows up.
Jorah: HEY! I read a line that was something about "Dany" and "Bathing!" Oh... oh... she's just bathing Drogo. Never mind, I'm less interested now.
Reminder: Dany is still jailbait. This is pretty much an episode of MTV Teen Moms.
Dany begins to rip off Drogo's plaster to look at the wound. When she does, it smells awful. Just like Robert after the boar attack. Although Dany wouldn't know anything about that because it was a continent away with different characters. I'm just trying to give you all a comparison.
Jorah: Oh shit, that smells like death. I'm sorry, Khalessi... but the wound has corrupted. Drogo is doomed. Oh, also, everyone in the whole camp has already heard that Drogo fell off his horse. You trying to hush it up was not effective. You should escape now before your husband dies.
Dany: What? Escape? Why would I escape?
Jorah: You know the rules. When a Khal dies, his wife is sent back to Vaes Dothrak and you'll become part of the dosh khaleen - the old spinsters who sit around, play bridge, and talk about their cats.
Dany: I do like cats!
Jorah: My god, it's happening already and you're still only old enough to be a freshman in high school.
Dany: Anyway, you and the blood riders will protect me, right? You won't let me be taken back to Vaes Dothrak.
Jorah: Actually, it is the blood riders JOB to bring you back. Their last job. Once Drogo dies, they must take you there and then kill themselves to join their Khal.
Dany: Wow, that is so messed up. But I'm not leaving my beloved Drogo. Moon of my moon, my sun and stars or however that saying goes. I forget.
Qotho then returns with Mirri Maz Duur.
Dany: What the hell, Mirri? You said you would heal him! Now look at him, he's dying!
Mirri Maz Duur: Oh, you're going to blame this on me? Do you remember what I said? I said he needed to leave his plaster on. Did he? No! He tore it off so that he could scratch himself. I said that he needed to abstain from milk of the poppy. What's he doing? Drinking milk of the poppy! I said he needed to NOT feed the Mogwai after midnight. And what did he do? JUST LOOK!
A bunch of evil Gremlins are running around in the tent causing havoc, led by Stripe. Gizmo looks down in shame.
Qotho: This your fault, witch!
Qotho starts beating Mirri. Haggo joins in too because beating women is something that Dothraki are pretty good at.
Dany: STOP! STOP!
Qotho: Why we listen to you? Wife of dying Khal! Maybe we take you out and rape you too with this witch.
Dany: Oh shit, you did NOT just say that. JORAH!
Jorah draws his sword. The bloodriders back away.
Dany: Put on your armor, Jorah. I have an odd suspicion there will be a fight scene later in this chapter.
Jorah: Yes, Khaleesi.
He leaves to do so. And now that everyone has gone, Dany turns to Mirri.
Dany: So... Mirri... you know a bunch of witch dark magic shit, huh?
Mirri Maz Duur: Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I might have memorized every single line in The Craft. What's it to you?
Dany: Save my husband! Make it so that he doesn't die!
Mirri Maz Duur: Hrm... I do know some blood magic, learned in the far off Shadow Lands. But it's called "blood magic" for a reason. To gain life, you must pay with life. You dig?
Dany: What? You mean like MY life? Because if so, fuck that.
Mirri Maz Duur: No. Not your life.
Dany: Okay, then DEAL!
Mirri Maz Duur: What? Really? It was that easy? You're just going to shout "deal" like that and agree without getting the specifics of this deal?
Dany: Yes.
Mirri Maz Duur: You've never heard the phrase, "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it"?
Dany: Yes. I have heard that before. There was already a Pussycat Dolls joke about that back in Chapter 10. Why?
Mirri Maz Duur: Ever heard of the "deal with the devil" trope? You know... how you make a deal with an untrustworthy, mysterious person using the dark arts and they interpret the deal in a way that goes completely against the intent of the person who wanted the deal and yet is completely consistent with the actual words of the deal.
Dany: Oh yeah! I once saw this episode of Tales from the Crypt where Andrew McCarthy had a huge crush on Mariel Hemingway. He wanted her to love him, but she didn't. But his landlord was this guy who claimed to have this love potion that would make Mariel Hemingway love him forever. And so he made this deal with him and got the love potion. And at first it worked. Mariel Hemingway was totally into Andrew McCarthy and digging him. But then it got crazy. She was SUPER OBSESSED with him and it became too much. I forget what happened after that. I think maybe he had to kill her or something because she was so obsessed. But remember how I said that the love potion made it so that she would love him FOREVER, right? So even after she was killed, her corpse came back and was still in love with him.
Mirri Maz Duur: Yes, well. It's kind of like that.
Dany: I'm sorry. What were we talking about again? I forget. I was thinking about Mariel Hemingway. So sad.
Mirri Maz Duur: What's sad about Mariel Hemingway?
Dany: You know. How she killed herself.
Mirri Maz Duur: She didn't.
Dany: What?
Mirri Maz Duur: You're thinking of Margaux Hemingway. Mariel Hemingway is still alive and doing well.
Dany: Oh.
Mirri Maz Duur: You know what? Never mind. You already made the deal. Let's just go through with this already. Could you bring me a horse?
And so Mirri Maz Duur puts Drogo in a bathtub, slits a horse's throat and bathes Drogo in the blood, and starts chanting. It pretty much sounds like the opening few minutes of Iron Maiden's "Sign of the Cross."
The tent begins to glow with fiery shadows of ghosts and shit. Awesome.
Jhogo: NO! NO! DANY! PLEASE STOP THIS! YOU MUST NOT USE BLACK MAGIC!
Outside, a crowd gathers.
Qotho: Oh shit! Me have to kill witch! Then Dany!
Qotho goes in for the kill, but Jorah runs back onto the scene just in time to kill him... but not without taking a slice of arakh to the hip.
Oustide, Khal Drogo's other bloodriders and Dany's khas have begun a full-on Dothraki-versus-Dothraki civil war.
Chief of Staff John Kelly: Really, the cause of this civil war was a failure to compromise.
Jorah Mormont then cuts down John Kelly.
The civil war quickly ends, with the bloodriders being killed. Which is, I guess, convenient considering that they were supposed to die soon anyway.
The ritual comes to an end and the crowd begins to disperse. Mostly because they're scared AF. Dany is now weak and can barely pick herself up.
Dany: Uhh... also... I think my water just broke.
Jorah: CALL THE BIRTHING WOMEN! CALL THE BIRTHING WOMEN!
Doreah: They ran away. They think Dany is cursed for calling upon black magic!
Jorah: What?! Then who can help out with this birthing if the birthing women have fled?
Mirri Maz Duur: Hehehehe, I think I know a thing or two about birthing. Learned it on Goop!
No comments:
Post a Comment