Ned: Oh shit, its it time for another Ned chapter already? I wasn't prepared. Not sure why there is the mad rush for another me chapter again. I'm the protagonist of these novels. Surely I'll be around for the next six books or so.
Ned gets his shit in order, shuffling his papers around to be prepared for this next scene.
The Commander of the City Watch, Janos "Sheriff Joe" Slynt, is before Ned and the King's Small Council, making the case that security needs to be increased.
Janos: All these Mexicans and brown people and rapists are in town for this Hand's Tournament. Things are crazy! I need more men.
Ned: Fine, I'll grant you fifty extra watchmen. Littlefinger will arrange the money for it.
Littlefinger: The hell I will. Fifty men? That's crazy talk.
Ned: If you could find the money for the King's purse to award the winners of this tournament, then surely you can scrap together a few coins for the security of it. And to show I put my money where my mouth is for this security nonsense - I will lend 20 of my own men to support the city watch for the duration of the tournament.
Littlefinger: Hrm, I suppose you should. After all... it is the Hand's Tournament.
Ned: Okay, that's it. The next asshole who calls this "the Hand's Tournament" gets Ice slammed into his fucking gut. This is not my tournament. I have nothing to do with this shit. Why the king thinks this is an honor to me is beyond my understanding. I just want to go home.
Pycelle: It is a great honor to have a tournament. It's good for the realm! Many men find honor and purpose.
Littlefinger: And it's really good for revenue! All the people who come into town and spend, spend, spend! After these tournaments, the whores always walk bowlegged! Get it? Because they get fucked so much!
Ned: You are one sick, gross asshole, Littlefinger. You know that?
Littlefinger: Yes.
Renly: You know, my dick brother Stannis once proposed making the brothels illegal. Robert joked that after that they should outlaw shitting, eating and breathing next. Haha. It's a wonder Stannis even has that little stone-faced girl Shireen. I can't believe that dude ever had sex. He probably treats it like a part of duty. Like going onto the battlefield. Only he's probably more turned on by the battlefield.
Everyone laughs except Ned, who is trapped in deep thought about Stannis.
Ned (internally): Hrm... Why did Stannis flee King's Landing so quickly? He left town faster than a fat man tearing up a Golden Corral buffet. There is something odd here.
Later, Ned is back in the Tower of the Hand. He summons Jory Cassel and as he waits he thumbs through the book that Pycelle had recently given him.
Ned: Interesting. "Lineages of the Great Houses" by Grand Maester Malleon. Why was this the book Jon wanted to read? So tedious and written ages ago. Just a bunch of bullshit about the houses. And look at this nonsense about Lann the Clever, supposed founder of the House Lannister. Fuck those guys.
Jory walks in.
Jory: Ser, about those leads you had me follow up on... it, unfortunately, didn't lead to much. Ser Hugh of the Vale was arrogant and didn't tell me shit. He said he wanted to speak only with you. Fuck that guy, I hope he gets lanced in the throat. The serving girl only mentioned that Jon Arryn was always reading and was super concerned about his frail son and crazy wife. The pot boy didn't have anything other than gossip and talked about how Jon went to a new armorer named Tobho Mott. And the stable boy said that Jon was super healthy like a man half his age and was always riding around with Lord Stannis.
Ned: What? STANNIS? Jon didn't even like Stannis. Nobody likes Stannis. Why would those two hang out?
Jory: The stableboy says the two even rode off to a brothel together.
Ned: Stannis? At a brothel? Never! Why earlier in this chapter we just had conveniently timed exposition to prove that point. This is quite the mystery. *scribbles down notes in CSI book*
Jory: The stable boy said he didn't know which brothel though. Only the guards who took them there would know. And those guards went back to the Eyrie with Lysa after Jon died.
Ned: This is crazy. Anyone who knows anything is gone. And Stannis's name keeps coming up. Why? Did he know something? Was he involved? Stannis would never flee town out of fear. Nothing can scare this man. This is the man who survived the year long siege of Storm's End by eating rats.
Jory: Gross. Should we send a raven to Dragonstone to call him back?
Ned: Not yet, Jory. Not yet. I need to do some more CSI'ing of my own. I need to visit that armorer! Jory, you visit the brothels and follow that lead.
Jory: Hahaha, okay. I can do that. Sounds like some hard duty to me!
Ned: Indeed.
Jory: HARD. Duty. Get it? Because the erectile tissue in my penis--
Ned: --Yes asshole, I got it. Damn, you're worse than Littlefinger sometimes.
Jory leaves to go brothel hopping while Ned gets ready to go to the armorer. As he does, he contemplates more. Why would Jon Arryn ride around with Stannis? Why not bring Renly too? And what was up with that creeper Renly? Just the other day Renly showed him a picture of his fiance - some gal named Margery Tyrell - and asked him if he thought it looked like Lyanna. What the fuck was that all about? And why would Jon Arryn want a fancy, garish new suit of armor anyway when he was the type of guy who thought armor should be practical for combat rather than for show? None of this made any damn sense.
Ned rides through town on the way to the armory and passes by knights coming into town, preparing for the tournament. Along the way by the Mud Gate he passes Lord Beric Dondarrion and his retinue.
Ned: Hrm, some minor character. Probably won't be that important. I'll just forget about him.
Stark continues on, and finds the armorer.
Tobho Mott: Hey! Big fancy Hand of the King! Wow! The second Hand of the King to visit me... and so soon after the last one! Can I get you some wine? I always like my customers to be drunk and willing to make poor spending decisions before I sell them expensive armor. By the way, I can work Valyrian Steel. I'm the best! The Knight of Flowers always comes here to buy his armor.
Ned: Did the last Hand come here to buy a helm from you?
Tobho: That cheap bitch didn't by shit. He just wanted to talk to my apprentice, Gendry.
Ned: Hrmmmm. Can I speak with this boy too?
Tobho: UGH. FUCK. You too? Fine then.
They head over to the forge to see this apprentice.
Ned: Hello there young ser, I'm Ned Stark and I.... HOLY SHIT... you look just like King Robert.
Gendry: Huh?
Ned: I mean... uhh... nice helm. It looks like a bull. Can I buy it?
Gendry: Hell no! That's mine.
Tobho: My apologies, Lord Stark! Gendry, you will sell that shit to this good man if he asks.
Ned: No, no, no. That's fine. No need to apologize for anything. So Gendry, what did Jon Arryn talk with you about?
Gendry: Weird shit. Like how old I was, if I was well treated. Who my mom was.
Ned: I see, I see. And who is your mom?
Gendry: I dunno. Some dead blonde alehouse wench.
Ned furiously writes everything down in his CSI notebook.
Ned: Blonde, you say? Hrmmm. Interesting. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you Gendry.
Ned and Tobho walk away.
Ned: So, who paid his fee to be an apprentice?
Tobho: Oh, I took him in for free because he's so strong! Just look at him.
Ned: Bullshit.
Tobho: Hahaha, okay. Some random lord paid me twice the amount it was supposed to be and told me to keep quiet. But other than that, I don't know shit.
Ned: So you're claiming you don't know who his father is?
Tobho: Hey look, man. I wasn't there at conception. I don't ask questions like that. I just make armor and swords.
Ned: Haha, I like you Tobho. You keep it real.
Tobho: Just trying to make a dime. If the time comes that you're dead and I get a chance to melt that sword of yours, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Ned: What?
Tobho: Nothing. Keep it real, my man. And buy some shit one day rather than window shop.
Ned: If I ever need a helm to scare children, I'll come here. And let me know if that boy Gendry ever wants to wield a weapon one day rather than make one. He looks like he could kick some ass.
Tobho: You know, given Season 7 developments - that really seems to be some foreshadowing.
Ned gets back on his horse and begins riding back to town, wondering why the fuck Jon Aryyn and Stannis Baratheon were so interested in a King's bastard.
Ned gets his shit in order, shuffling his papers around to be prepared for this next scene.
The Commander of the City Watch, Janos "Sheriff Joe" Slynt, is before Ned and the King's Small Council, making the case that security needs to be increased.
Janos: All these Mexicans and brown people and rapists are in town for this Hand's Tournament. Things are crazy! I need more men.
Ned: Fine, I'll grant you fifty extra watchmen. Littlefinger will arrange the money for it.
Littlefinger: The hell I will. Fifty men? That's crazy talk.
Ned: If you could find the money for the King's purse to award the winners of this tournament, then surely you can scrap together a few coins for the security of it. And to show I put my money where my mouth is for this security nonsense - I will lend 20 of my own men to support the city watch for the duration of the tournament.
Littlefinger: Hrm, I suppose you should. After all... it is the Hand's Tournament.
Ned: Okay, that's it. The next asshole who calls this "the Hand's Tournament" gets Ice slammed into his fucking gut. This is not my tournament. I have nothing to do with this shit. Why the king thinks this is an honor to me is beyond my understanding. I just want to go home.
Pycelle: It is a great honor to have a tournament. It's good for the realm! Many men find honor and purpose.
Littlefinger: And it's really good for revenue! All the people who come into town and spend, spend, spend! After these tournaments, the whores always walk bowlegged! Get it? Because they get fucked so much!
Ned: You are one sick, gross asshole, Littlefinger. You know that?
Littlefinger: Yes.
Renly: You know, my dick brother Stannis once proposed making the brothels illegal. Robert joked that after that they should outlaw shitting, eating and breathing next. Haha. It's a wonder Stannis even has that little stone-faced girl Shireen. I can't believe that dude ever had sex. He probably treats it like a part of duty. Like going onto the battlefield. Only he's probably more turned on by the battlefield.
Everyone laughs except Ned, who is trapped in deep thought about Stannis.
Ned (internally): Hrm... Why did Stannis flee King's Landing so quickly? He left town faster than a fat man tearing up a Golden Corral buffet. There is something odd here.
Later, Ned is back in the Tower of the Hand. He summons Jory Cassel and as he waits he thumbs through the book that Pycelle had recently given him.
Ned: Interesting. "Lineages of the Great Houses" by Grand Maester Malleon. Why was this the book Jon wanted to read? So tedious and written ages ago. Just a bunch of bullshit about the houses. And look at this nonsense about Lann the Clever, supposed founder of the House Lannister. Fuck those guys.
Jory walks in.
Jory: Ser, about those leads you had me follow up on... it, unfortunately, didn't lead to much. Ser Hugh of the Vale was arrogant and didn't tell me shit. He said he wanted to speak only with you. Fuck that guy, I hope he gets lanced in the throat. The serving girl only mentioned that Jon Arryn was always reading and was super concerned about his frail son and crazy wife. The pot boy didn't have anything other than gossip and talked about how Jon went to a new armorer named Tobho Mott. And the stable boy said that Jon was super healthy like a man half his age and was always riding around with Lord Stannis.
Ned: What? STANNIS? Jon didn't even like Stannis. Nobody likes Stannis. Why would those two hang out?
Jory: The stableboy says the two even rode off to a brothel together.
Ned: Stannis? At a brothel? Never! Why earlier in this chapter we just had conveniently timed exposition to prove that point. This is quite the mystery. *scribbles down notes in CSI book*
Jory: The stable boy said he didn't know which brothel though. Only the guards who took them there would know. And those guards went back to the Eyrie with Lysa after Jon died.
Ned: This is crazy. Anyone who knows anything is gone. And Stannis's name keeps coming up. Why? Did he know something? Was he involved? Stannis would never flee town out of fear. Nothing can scare this man. This is the man who survived the year long siege of Storm's End by eating rats.
Jory: Gross. Should we send a raven to Dragonstone to call him back?
Ned: Not yet, Jory. Not yet. I need to do some more CSI'ing of my own. I need to visit that armorer! Jory, you visit the brothels and follow that lead.
Jory: Hahaha, okay. I can do that. Sounds like some hard duty to me!
Ned: Indeed.
Jory: HARD. Duty. Get it? Because the erectile tissue in my penis--
Ned: --Yes asshole, I got it. Damn, you're worse than Littlefinger sometimes.
Jory leaves to go brothel hopping while Ned gets ready to go to the armorer. As he does, he contemplates more. Why would Jon Arryn ride around with Stannis? Why not bring Renly too? And what was up with that creeper Renly? Just the other day Renly showed him a picture of his fiance - some gal named Margery Tyrell - and asked him if he thought it looked like Lyanna. What the fuck was that all about? And why would Jon Arryn want a fancy, garish new suit of armor anyway when he was the type of guy who thought armor should be practical for combat rather than for show? None of this made any damn sense.
Ned rides through town on the way to the armory and passes by knights coming into town, preparing for the tournament. Along the way by the Mud Gate he passes Lord Beric Dondarrion and his retinue.
Ned: Hrm, some minor character. Probably won't be that important. I'll just forget about him.
Stark continues on, and finds the armorer.
Tobho Mott: Hey! Big fancy Hand of the King! Wow! The second Hand of the King to visit me... and so soon after the last one! Can I get you some wine? I always like my customers to be drunk and willing to make poor spending decisions before I sell them expensive armor. By the way, I can work Valyrian Steel. I'm the best! The Knight of Flowers always comes here to buy his armor.
Ned: Did the last Hand come here to buy a helm from you?
Tobho: That cheap bitch didn't by shit. He just wanted to talk to my apprentice, Gendry.
Ned: Hrmmmm. Can I speak with this boy too?
Tobho: UGH. FUCK. You too? Fine then.
They head over to the forge to see this apprentice.
Ned: Hello there young ser, I'm Ned Stark and I.... HOLY SHIT... you look just like King Robert.
Gendry: Huh?
Ned: I mean... uhh... nice helm. It looks like a bull. Can I buy it?
Gendry: Hell no! That's mine.
Tobho: My apologies, Lord Stark! Gendry, you will sell that shit to this good man if he asks.
Ned: No, no, no. That's fine. No need to apologize for anything. So Gendry, what did Jon Arryn talk with you about?
Gendry: Weird shit. Like how old I was, if I was well treated. Who my mom was.
Ned: I see, I see. And who is your mom?
Gendry: I dunno. Some dead blonde alehouse wench.
Ned furiously writes everything down in his CSI notebook.
Ned: Blonde, you say? Hrmmm. Interesting. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you Gendry.
Ned and Tobho walk away.
Ned: So, who paid his fee to be an apprentice?
Tobho: Oh, I took him in for free because he's so strong! Just look at him.
Ned: Bullshit.
Tobho: Hahaha, okay. Some random lord paid me twice the amount it was supposed to be and told me to keep quiet. But other than that, I don't know shit.
Ned: So you're claiming you don't know who his father is?
Tobho: Hey look, man. I wasn't there at conception. I don't ask questions like that. I just make armor and swords.
Ned: Haha, I like you Tobho. You keep it real.
Tobho: Just trying to make a dime. If the time comes that you're dead and I get a chance to melt that sword of yours, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Ned: What?
Tobho: Nothing. Keep it real, my man. And buy some shit one day rather than window shop.
Ned: If I ever need a helm to scare children, I'll come here. And let me know if that boy Gendry ever wants to wield a weapon one day rather than make one. He looks like he could kick some ass.
Tobho: You know, given Season 7 developments - that really seems to be some foreshadowing.
Ned gets back on his horse and begins riding back to town, wondering why the fuck Jon Aryyn and Stannis Baratheon were so interested in a King's bastard.
No comments:
Post a Comment