Cat Stark and her retinue that contains the prisoner Tyrion Lannister approach the Bloody Gate, a pass across the mountain road that leads into the Vale of Arryn. As they near, Ser Donnel Waynwood approaches.
Donnel: Lady Stark, you should have sent word before coming here! The path is most treacherous.
Cat: You think you need to tell me that? Six men have already died getting us here. Those first three in the battle and three more since then in others in battles and from festering wounds. Needless to say, if you were getting used to the characters of Lharys, Chiggen and Morrec... you can forget about them now.
Now only Cat, Ser Rodrik, Bronn, Marillion, Ser Willis Wode and Tyrion remain alive. And Rodrick's not in great condition either from injuries in battle.
Donnel: Indeed, since they leard of Lord Arryn's death, these clans around the Vale have grown bolder and attack more. Your crazy ass sister isn't helping any by ordering all the Knights of the Vale to stay put and not fight them.
Cat looks back at Tyrion, knowing it's really the Lannisters that Lysa fears. But she sees Tyrion's smug, confident face and again questions his guilt. And she's angry as hell that this Bronn guy seems to have become all buddy-buddy with Tyrion. They were supported to be his captors... not his best friends! Fucking sellswords, man.
Cat: Donnel, send for Maester Colemon to treat Ser Rodrick. He is much in need of some medical care.
Donnel: Nah, can't do that either. Lady Lysa won't let Colemon leave the Eyrie, on account of her little sickly boy Robert being such a weak-ass. At best I can send you a Septon.
Cat: Oh yeah, great. A septon. Maybe we can just fucking pray Rodrick's wounds away. That makes sense.
They finally reach the Bloody Gate and see the head man in charge - Knight of the Gate, Ser Brynden "Blackish" Tully. He just happens to be Cat's uncle.
Blackfish: Halt, who goes there?
Cat: Oh shit, you don't even recognized your own niece? You know... the one who you raised like your own daughter, given that my real dad was a pretty worthless father? I mean you were even kind of a father figure to Littlefinger.
The Blackfish lifts up the visor on his helmet.
Blackfish: Damn Cat, that's rough. Sorry. It's hard to see in this damn thing. Welcome to the Vale. Long time, no see. Bitch, you can't write letters or nothing?
Cat: Great to see you too.
Blackfish: Now let's get going. See the Eyrie all the way over there? Yeah, you won't even get to the foot of the mountain by nightfall.
They continue on their way, riding. But it's still a long way.
Rodrick: Dudes, I'm wiped. I feel like I'm about to die. I can't keep going.
Cat: Okay, everyone else stay here and get some rest for the night. Everyone else except for Tyrion, who has to of course come along with me so that we can kill him.
Marillion: Can I come too? If I'm going to write an awesome song about this whole thing, I need to see it all the way through.
Cat: Yeah, I guess. But how are you even still alive? Six competent, trained soldiers were killed in the way here and somehow your prancing, singing butt makes it through fine?
Marillion: I mean I wouldn't say "fine." I have a bunch of broken ribs.
Bronn: I want to come too.
Cat: Shit, I was kind of hoping of getting rid of you now that you and Tyrion are, like, best friends, but I guess if I'm letting a singer come along I don't have any good reason to not let you.
And so they keep going, along with the Blackfish.
Blackfish: Cat, you know how me and your dad hate each other, right? Still, he must be warned. If the Lannisters march north, they're going to come right for Riverrun.
Cat: Yeah, I know. So what's the mood like here? Things seem like they've gone to shit. Especially since they gave the Arryn title of Warden of the East to Jamie Fucking Lannister.
Blackfish: Oh, no doubt everyone here is PISSED. We all thing Lord Arryn was murdered. Lysa has told everyone to call little Robert Arryn the "TRUE Warden of the East," but everyone knows that means absolutely nothing. Plus that boy is the sickliest damn kid I've ever seen. He cries when his dolls are taken away. He's not even strong enough to sit up in his father's seat. Lysa treats him like a baby. She REALLY does. You'll see what I mean. And she's gone pretty much loco herself. She's paranoid about the Lannisters. And here you go bringing a Lannister right to her doorstep.
Cat: Yeah, as a PRISONER. So that we can execute him.
Blackfish: A prisoner, huh? He doesn't look like one. He's not in chains. In fact, he's been given an axe and looks like he's chilling with that sellsword like they own this place.
Cat: Hey look, don't blame me for this shit. Lysa started this whole damn thing by sending the letter to me accusing the Lannisters of murdering her husband. You can drop this shit on her.
They eventually reach the Gates of the Moon, at the base of the mountains that will eventually lead them up to the mountain fortress of the Eyrie.
Tyrion: Uhh... so how do we get up?
Blackfish: Well, there are two ways. You either engage in a long, dangerous and tedious ride up the mountains riding multiple mules which you have to change over at various rest points because horses aren't able to climb these steep cliffs and even the mules aren't strong enough for the whole trip. The whole time you'll be in peril with the constant threat of death looming. Hundreds have died on this path. Maybe thousands. It's exhausting. It takes hours and hours and hours. Sometimes days. If it seems like it's impossible that's because it's supposed to be. It was specifically designed to prevent any army from being able to ever impregnate it.
Bronn: Hahaha, I'll impregnate that bit--
Blackfish: --Shut up.
Tyrion: Okay, so what is option two?
Blackfish: Option two is that we've built this winch structure. You get it a basket and it brings you up super fast and safe. It's how we bring all our supplies and food up. You know, like turnips and shit. Everybody loves eating turnips.
Tyrion: Well then let's obviously take option one. My father would never respect me if I told him that I rode up with the turnips.
Bronn: Wait... really? You're shitting us, right? Option one? No! Let's do the option two thing.
Tyrion: No, no. We couldn't possibly.
Bronn: Your father already hates you and doesn't respect you. This doesn't make any sense.
And so they go option one. Because reasons. They go on for a while until night falls and they reach this guy...
Lord Nestor Royce: Oh hey there everyone, it's me, another one of those Royce guys. Cat, you're allowed to keep going up tonight but everyone else has to stay here.
Blackfish: What? No! We all need to rest for the right. Without a full moon it's perilous to journey at night.
Nestor: Nah, it will be okay. We have the finest guide who will lead Cat the rest of the way up - this girl called Mya Stone.
Mya: Hi there! It will be my honor to take you up, Lady Stark. I've done it a thousand times.
Cat: Stone? Like the last name they give to bastard children in the Vale? Like "Sand" in Dorne and "Rivers" in the Riverlands? That means you remind me of Jon Snow and therefore I already hate you and resent you for no reason, despite the fact that all you want to do is help me up safely and protect me.
Mya: Odd that you'd mention all that. Speaking of mentioning odd things, I'm specifically the bastard daughter of King Robert. I mean I'm his eldest child and I'm from before he was king, but still. Pretty impressive, huh?
Cat: Hrm, and your hair is coal black, huh?
Mya: Yes. It is. My hair is black. Very black just like my father Robert. Robert Baratheon, the King of Westeros who has many other bastard children with black hair.
Cat: Why are we talking about this again?
Mya: Why are we talking about what? Oh! You mean why are we talking about how I am Robert's daughter and my hair is black.
Cat: Yes, I am asking why it is so important to the narrative to point out that your hair is black.
Mya shrugs.
Mya: Anyway, let's get up this mountain.
They get there. Stuff happens along the way. Cat things she's super strong and can deal with it all, but eventually she starts freaking out. But Mya helps her to the top despite Cat being sort of a dick to her.
Cat: Wow, it's actually pretty empty up here. Isn't this place suppose to support 500 people?
Lysa: Oh hey sister! Since Ser Vardis Egen and Maester Colemon are standing around, I want to say that It's great seeing you!
Cat: Wow, you got pale and fat.
Ser Vardis Egen and Maester Colemon leave. The two are now along.
Lysa: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME HERE?! IT'S NOT GREAT SEEING YOU AT ALL!
Cat: What the hell are you snapping at me for?
Lysa: You brought that Lannister with you! Now we're all in danger! My poor little baby Robert is in danger?
Cat: Baby? Isn't he six? And you're the one who sent me the letter about the Lannisters. You said they killed your husband. This is on you.
Lysa: Yeah, that was supposed to be a WARNING. When I send you a letter that says the Lannisters killed my husband, it didn't conclude with, "So please kidnap one of them and bring them to my front door so that a war can start and their troops can march on us and threaten the life of my beautiful baby Robert." If I send you a warning that cobras bite people and kill them are you going to BRING me a cobra? Don't be so stupid.
Robert, hearing all the talking, comes out. He hold a doll in his hand.
Robert Arryn: Hey! Everyone is talking about me *cough*cough*... What's happening?
Cat: Ohmygod, that kid looks like he could die at any minute.
Robert: Mommy! Mommy! Milk!
Lysa: Oh, here you go my sweet little baby!
Lysa whips em' out and has Robert suckle at her bosom.
Cat: What the HELL? He's six! SIX! That's almost a grown person by standards of these books and at what age they are depicted having their first sexual experiences. This is so messed up. Blackfish was right, you're loco.
Robert: Why is that lady here, mommy?
Lysa: Oh, that's your aunt. And she's here because she brought a bad man here.
Robert: Oh, a bad man! Let's make him fly!
Lysa: Yes, yeeeesssss. Maybe that's just what we'll do. If by "fly" you mean throw him out of a door at the top of this mountain castle.
Robert: Oh, I thought it was some hatch in the floor type of thing.
Lysa: No, in the books it's an actual door.
Donnel: Lady Stark, you should have sent word before coming here! The path is most treacherous.
Cat: You think you need to tell me that? Six men have already died getting us here. Those first three in the battle and three more since then in others in battles and from festering wounds. Needless to say, if you were getting used to the characters of Lharys, Chiggen and Morrec... you can forget about them now.
Now only Cat, Ser Rodrik, Bronn, Marillion, Ser Willis Wode and Tyrion remain alive. And Rodrick's not in great condition either from injuries in battle.
Donnel: Indeed, since they leard of Lord Arryn's death, these clans around the Vale have grown bolder and attack more. Your crazy ass sister isn't helping any by ordering all the Knights of the Vale to stay put and not fight them.
Cat looks back at Tyrion, knowing it's really the Lannisters that Lysa fears. But she sees Tyrion's smug, confident face and again questions his guilt. And she's angry as hell that this Bronn guy seems to have become all buddy-buddy with Tyrion. They were supported to be his captors... not his best friends! Fucking sellswords, man.
Cat: Donnel, send for Maester Colemon to treat Ser Rodrick. He is much in need of some medical care.
Donnel: Nah, can't do that either. Lady Lysa won't let Colemon leave the Eyrie, on account of her little sickly boy Robert being such a weak-ass. At best I can send you a Septon.
Cat: Oh yeah, great. A septon. Maybe we can just fucking pray Rodrick's wounds away. That makes sense.
They finally reach the Bloody Gate and see the head man in charge - Knight of the Gate, Ser Brynden "Blackish" Tully. He just happens to be Cat's uncle.
Blackfish: Halt, who goes there?
Cat: Oh shit, you don't even recognized your own niece? You know... the one who you raised like your own daughter, given that my real dad was a pretty worthless father? I mean you were even kind of a father figure to Littlefinger.
The Blackfish lifts up the visor on his helmet.
Blackfish: Damn Cat, that's rough. Sorry. It's hard to see in this damn thing. Welcome to the Vale. Long time, no see. Bitch, you can't write letters or nothing?
Cat: Great to see you too.
Blackfish: Now let's get going. See the Eyrie all the way over there? Yeah, you won't even get to the foot of the mountain by nightfall.
They continue on their way, riding. But it's still a long way.
Rodrick: Dudes, I'm wiped. I feel like I'm about to die. I can't keep going.
Cat: Okay, everyone else stay here and get some rest for the night. Everyone else except for Tyrion, who has to of course come along with me so that we can kill him.
Marillion: Can I come too? If I'm going to write an awesome song about this whole thing, I need to see it all the way through.
Cat: Yeah, I guess. But how are you even still alive? Six competent, trained soldiers were killed in the way here and somehow your prancing, singing butt makes it through fine?
Marillion: I mean I wouldn't say "fine." I have a bunch of broken ribs.
Bronn: I want to come too.
Cat: Shit, I was kind of hoping of getting rid of you now that you and Tyrion are, like, best friends, but I guess if I'm letting a singer come along I don't have any good reason to not let you.
And so they keep going, along with the Blackfish.
Blackfish: Cat, you know how me and your dad hate each other, right? Still, he must be warned. If the Lannisters march north, they're going to come right for Riverrun.
Cat: Yeah, I know. So what's the mood like here? Things seem like they've gone to shit. Especially since they gave the Arryn title of Warden of the East to Jamie Fucking Lannister.
Blackfish: Oh, no doubt everyone here is PISSED. We all thing Lord Arryn was murdered. Lysa has told everyone to call little Robert Arryn the "TRUE Warden of the East," but everyone knows that means absolutely nothing. Plus that boy is the sickliest damn kid I've ever seen. He cries when his dolls are taken away. He's not even strong enough to sit up in his father's seat. Lysa treats him like a baby. She REALLY does. You'll see what I mean. And she's gone pretty much loco herself. She's paranoid about the Lannisters. And here you go bringing a Lannister right to her doorstep.
Cat: Yeah, as a PRISONER. So that we can execute him.
Blackfish: A prisoner, huh? He doesn't look like one. He's not in chains. In fact, he's been given an axe and looks like he's chilling with that sellsword like they own this place.
Cat: Hey look, don't blame me for this shit. Lysa started this whole damn thing by sending the letter to me accusing the Lannisters of murdering her husband. You can drop this shit on her.
They eventually reach the Gates of the Moon, at the base of the mountains that will eventually lead them up to the mountain fortress of the Eyrie.
Tyrion: Uhh... so how do we get up?
Blackfish: Well, there are two ways. You either engage in a long, dangerous and tedious ride up the mountains riding multiple mules which you have to change over at various rest points because horses aren't able to climb these steep cliffs and even the mules aren't strong enough for the whole trip. The whole time you'll be in peril with the constant threat of death looming. Hundreds have died on this path. Maybe thousands. It's exhausting. It takes hours and hours and hours. Sometimes days. If it seems like it's impossible that's because it's supposed to be. It was specifically designed to prevent any army from being able to ever impregnate it.
Bronn: Hahaha, I'll impregnate that bit--
Blackfish: --Shut up.
Tyrion: Okay, so what is option two?
Blackfish: Option two is that we've built this winch structure. You get it a basket and it brings you up super fast and safe. It's how we bring all our supplies and food up. You know, like turnips and shit. Everybody loves eating turnips.
Tyrion: Well then let's obviously take option one. My father would never respect me if I told him that I rode up with the turnips.
Bronn: Wait... really? You're shitting us, right? Option one? No! Let's do the option two thing.
Tyrion: No, no. We couldn't possibly.
Bronn: Your father already hates you and doesn't respect you. This doesn't make any sense.
And so they go option one. Because reasons. They go on for a while until night falls and they reach this guy...
Lord Nestor Royce: Oh hey there everyone, it's me, another one of those Royce guys. Cat, you're allowed to keep going up tonight but everyone else has to stay here.
Blackfish: What? No! We all need to rest for the right. Without a full moon it's perilous to journey at night.
Nestor: Nah, it will be okay. We have the finest guide who will lead Cat the rest of the way up - this girl called Mya Stone.
Mya: Hi there! It will be my honor to take you up, Lady Stark. I've done it a thousand times.
Cat: Stone? Like the last name they give to bastard children in the Vale? Like "Sand" in Dorne and "Rivers" in the Riverlands? That means you remind me of Jon Snow and therefore I already hate you and resent you for no reason, despite the fact that all you want to do is help me up safely and protect me.
Mya: Odd that you'd mention all that. Speaking of mentioning odd things, I'm specifically the bastard daughter of King Robert. I mean I'm his eldest child and I'm from before he was king, but still. Pretty impressive, huh?
Cat: Hrm, and your hair is coal black, huh?
Mya: Yes. It is. My hair is black. Very black just like my father Robert. Robert Baratheon, the King of Westeros who has many other bastard children with black hair.
Cat: Why are we talking about this again?
Mya: Why are we talking about what? Oh! You mean why are we talking about how I am Robert's daughter and my hair is black.
Cat: Yes, I am asking why it is so important to the narrative to point out that your hair is black.
Mya shrugs.
Mya: Anyway, let's get up this mountain.
They get there. Stuff happens along the way. Cat things she's super strong and can deal with it all, but eventually she starts freaking out. But Mya helps her to the top despite Cat being sort of a dick to her.
Cat: Wow, it's actually pretty empty up here. Isn't this place suppose to support 500 people?
Lysa: Oh hey sister! Since Ser Vardis Egen and Maester Colemon are standing around, I want to say that It's great seeing you!
Cat: Wow, you got pale and fat.
Ser Vardis Egen and Maester Colemon leave. The two are now along.
Lysa: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME HERE?! IT'S NOT GREAT SEEING YOU AT ALL!
Cat: What the hell are you snapping at me for?
Lysa: You brought that Lannister with you! Now we're all in danger! My poor little baby Robert is in danger?
Cat: Baby? Isn't he six? And you're the one who sent me the letter about the Lannisters. You said they killed your husband. This is on you.
Lysa: Yeah, that was supposed to be a WARNING. When I send you a letter that says the Lannisters killed my husband, it didn't conclude with, "So please kidnap one of them and bring them to my front door so that a war can start and their troops can march on us and threaten the life of my beautiful baby Robert." If I send you a warning that cobras bite people and kill them are you going to BRING me a cobra? Don't be so stupid.
Robert, hearing all the talking, comes out. He hold a doll in his hand.
Robert Arryn: Hey! Everyone is talking about me *cough*cough*... What's happening?
Cat: Ohmygod, that kid looks like he could die at any minute.
Robert: Mommy! Mommy! Milk!
Lysa: Oh, here you go my sweet little baby!
Lysa whips em' out and has Robert suckle at her bosom.
Cat: What the HELL? He's six! SIX! That's almost a grown person by standards of these books and at what age they are depicted having their first sexual experiences. This is so messed up. Blackfish was right, you're loco.
Robert: Why is that lady here, mommy?
Lysa: Oh, that's your aunt. And she's here because she brought a bad man here.
Robert: Oh, a bad man! Let's make him fly!
Lysa: Yes, yeeeesssss. Maybe that's just what we'll do. If by "fly" you mean throw him out of a door at the top of this mountain castle.
Robert: Oh, I thought it was some hatch in the floor type of thing.
Lysa: No, in the books it's an actual door.
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