Jon is helping the other recruits of the Night's Watch train at Castle Black because now he realizes he was a bit of an elitist douchenozzle to everyone previously. As he makes new friends through training, this giant fat kid shows up.
Jon: Oh shit! This kid is fatter than King Robert!
Sam: Hi, I'm Samwell. I'm here for training.
Pyp: Hrm, based on the cadence and rhythmical patterns within your voice, difficulty with dental fricatives, and confusion of post-alveolar affricates with their fricative counterparts, I am going to go ahead and say that you're from the Reach. Perhaps Highgarden? No... south of the river Mander, for sure.
Jon: Pyp, that is a way too specific skill for anyone to care about or to have any use on the Wall.
Sam: He's right! I'm from Horn Hill. My name is Tarley.
Alliser Thorne: Oh look! A new piece of shit recruit to make fun of now that everybody likes Jon Fucking Snow. I will call you piggy.
Everyone laughs.
Alliser: Haha, see? I'm still cool. Oh, and nice armor fatass.
Sam: Thanks?
Alliser: You can throw it in the garbage though, since it's not black. You'll have to get outfitted with new gear. Go to the armory. Although I'm sure we'll have to sew together three existing suits in order to get one that fits you.
Sam leaves and comes back with new armor. That was quick.
Alliser: Okay, let's send Halder against you.
Halder: Sweet.
Halder beats the shit out of Sam in about negative two seconds.
Sam: AGHHH!! I yield! I yield!
Alliser: Well get up you fat pussy and fight again.
Sam: Nah, I think I'll stay here on the ground crying.
Alliser: Halder, beat the shit out of him with the back of your sword until he gets back up.
Halder: Okay.
*BAM*
Sam: OW! Shit!
Alliser: Come on Halder, you can git harder than that!
*BAMMMMMMM*
Jon: Stop this! There is no honor in continuing to hit a defeated foe!
Alliser: Says the asshat who was doing exactly that for the first two months he was here at Castle Black.
Jon goes to help Sam up.
Alliser: Oh look, Lord Snow is defending his lady love. Well this is my dojo, son. I can send my warriors against you. Halder, Rast, Albett... ATTACK!
Jon: Oh shit! Alliser has sent two men against me before, but never three! Could this be the end of Jon Snow? Also... who the hell is Albett?
Pimple: Me, I'm Albett. My nickname is Pimple. Don't worry about me though, after this book I pretty much never appear again.
Jon: Strange. I guess you get killed off or something? By Wildlings?
Pimple: Nope, George R.R. Martin just forgets I exist.
The three attack Jon and, hypothetically, Sam. But Sam isn't much of a fighter so it's really still three-on-one.
Pyp: No, we're here to help too, Jon!
Grenn: Yes... it's us! Pyp and Grenn!
Now the fight is three-on-three and team Snow wins. Alliser walks away grumbling and kicking rocks.
Halder: Oh damnit, I almost had you that time, Jon.
Jon: Haha, you almost did! That's the kind of thing I say now that I'm fun-loving Jon who gets along with everyone, including the people I fight against. But seriously, you got that good hit in and totally fucked up my shoulder! Ow, I can't get my helmet off because you might have broken my fucking shoulder bone and I can't move my arm.
Sam: Here, let me help.
Sam helps Jon get his helmet off.
Jon: Why didn't you fight back?
Sam: Because I'm a coward.
Jon: Wow, that was super direct and to the point. Nobody really admits that shit. Why would you call yourself a coward?
Sam: Because I'm a coward. Always have been, always will be. My dad always said so.
Jon: Your dad sounds like a dick and I hope he gets burned alive by a dragon.
Sam: What?
Jon: Huh?
Sam: Okay, I'm going to go now.
Jon: Hey man, I can teach you to fight. Tomorrow... you'll do better!
Sam: No I won't.
Grenn: Man, what a fucking loser. I can't believe that. Nobody likes cowards. Jon, promise me we won't become friends with him because everyone will think we're cowards too.
Pyp: [Long, convoluted joke about a bear in the woods that is an allegory for cowardliness].
That evening, Jon is throwing gravel on top of the Wall because that ice gets slippery as hell. He's contemplating Sam admitting his cowardice. He thinks back to Tyrion's stories about denying the truth. At least Sam isn't denying the truth. At any rate, Jon finishes his important rock throwing work and then heads down to the Castle Black cafeteria. Instead of sitting with his buds, he sits with Sam.
Jon: Hey Sam, meet my direwolf.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: This dude smells like bacon, can I eat him?]
Sam: I'm scared of that too. I'm scared of everything.
Jon: Let's go outside and talk.
And so they walk and talk.
Sam: I hate this place. It's so cold. I'd never even seen snow in my life before. All the castle is crumbling down. Everyone hates me.
Jon: Okay, let's go to the top of the Wall and look at the world. Sometimes that helps me clear my mind.
Sam: No, I'm scared of heights too.
Jon: What about that blade of grass over there?
Sam: Scared of it. It's called a "blade." It could probably cut me.
Jon: Why would someone who is afraid of everything join the Night's Watch?
Sam: *starts crying*
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Oh yes, now is my chance! Delicious bacon tears!]
Ghost licks Sam's face. Everyone starts laughing for some reason. Jon then tells a story about a freaky recurring dream about Winterfell's crypt and his lost uncle Benjen. Jon asks Sam if he ever had dreams about Horn Hill. Sam then recounts his entire life story as Jon tries not to fall asleep. Bottom line - Sam likes books and music and dancing rather than fighting, which makes his father hate him.
Jon: I told you, he sounds like a really messed up guy.
Sam: So one day he took me into the woods to go hunting. He told me to renounce my claim to Horn Hill as the oldest brother and to join the Watch. If I said no then there would be a "hunting accident" and I'd be brought home dead.
Jon: Oh shit, Cat Stark tried to kill me in "accidents" like four times a week. That's messed up man. Still, you've had a rough first day. Time to get some sleep, okay.
And so Sam goes off to sleep while Jon goes back to finish dinner.
Jon: Hey dudes, why did nobody want to hang out with Sam?
Grenn: Hey, there were plenty of spots on the benches by us. He just chose not to sit with us because he's a craven.
Jon: Okay, well from now on I don't want anyone fucking with Sam or kicking his ass, no matter what Thorne says.
Rast: Fuck that, if Ser Alliser says to fight Lady Piggy, then I'm going to cut me off a slice of bacon, if you know what I mean!
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Yes, I do!]
Jon: Oh, well... maybe tonight Pyp, Grenn, Ghost and me will visit your room and scare the shit out of you by having Ghost threaten to eat your neck. Then you'll see things differently.
Rast: Doubt it.
Later that night, they do just that.
Rast: Okay, FUCK. I won't mess with Sam.
The next day, Sam is sent to fight but nobody will kick his ass.
Alliser: Come on! COME ON! Beat the shit out of him! AGHHHH! I hate all of you!
Alliser storms off again, kicking more rocks.
Sam: Thanks for looking out for me Jon, you're a true friend.
Jon: We're not friends, Sam. Here in the Night's Watch... we're all brothers!
Jon: Oh shit! This kid is fatter than King Robert!
Sam: Hi, I'm Samwell. I'm here for training.
Pyp: Hrm, based on the cadence and rhythmical patterns within your voice, difficulty with dental fricatives, and confusion of post-alveolar affricates with their fricative counterparts, I am going to go ahead and say that you're from the Reach. Perhaps Highgarden? No... south of the river Mander, for sure.
Jon: Pyp, that is a way too specific skill for anyone to care about or to have any use on the Wall.
Sam: He's right! I'm from Horn Hill. My name is Tarley.
Alliser Thorne: Oh look! A new piece of shit recruit to make fun of now that everybody likes Jon Fucking Snow. I will call you piggy.
Everyone laughs.
Alliser: Haha, see? I'm still cool. Oh, and nice armor fatass.
Sam: Thanks?
Alliser: You can throw it in the garbage though, since it's not black. You'll have to get outfitted with new gear. Go to the armory. Although I'm sure we'll have to sew together three existing suits in order to get one that fits you.
Sam leaves and comes back with new armor. That was quick.
Alliser: Okay, let's send Halder against you.
Halder: Sweet.
Halder beats the shit out of Sam in about negative two seconds.
Sam: AGHHH!! I yield! I yield!
Alliser: Well get up you fat pussy and fight again.
Sam: Nah, I think I'll stay here on the ground crying.
Alliser: Halder, beat the shit out of him with the back of your sword until he gets back up.
Halder: Okay.
*BAM*
Sam: OW! Shit!
Alliser: Come on Halder, you can git harder than that!
*BAMMMMMMM*
Jon: Stop this! There is no honor in continuing to hit a defeated foe!
Alliser: Says the asshat who was doing exactly that for the first two months he was here at Castle Black.
Jon goes to help Sam up.
Alliser: Oh look, Lord Snow is defending his lady love. Well this is my dojo, son. I can send my warriors against you. Halder, Rast, Albett... ATTACK!
Jon: Oh shit! Alliser has sent two men against me before, but never three! Could this be the end of Jon Snow? Also... who the hell is Albett?
Pimple: Me, I'm Albett. My nickname is Pimple. Don't worry about me though, after this book I pretty much never appear again.
Jon: Strange. I guess you get killed off or something? By Wildlings?
Pimple: Nope, George R.R. Martin just forgets I exist.
The three attack Jon and, hypothetically, Sam. But Sam isn't much of a fighter so it's really still three-on-one.
Pyp: No, we're here to help too, Jon!
Grenn: Yes... it's us! Pyp and Grenn!
Now the fight is three-on-three and team Snow wins. Alliser walks away grumbling and kicking rocks.
Halder: Oh damnit, I almost had you that time, Jon.
Jon: Haha, you almost did! That's the kind of thing I say now that I'm fun-loving Jon who gets along with everyone, including the people I fight against. But seriously, you got that good hit in and totally fucked up my shoulder! Ow, I can't get my helmet off because you might have broken my fucking shoulder bone and I can't move my arm.
Sam: Here, let me help.
Sam helps Jon get his helmet off.
Jon: Why didn't you fight back?
Sam: Because I'm a coward.
Jon: Wow, that was super direct and to the point. Nobody really admits that shit. Why would you call yourself a coward?
Sam: Because I'm a coward. Always have been, always will be. My dad always said so.
Jon: Your dad sounds like a dick and I hope he gets burned alive by a dragon.
Sam: What?
Jon: Huh?
Sam: Okay, I'm going to go now.
Jon: Hey man, I can teach you to fight. Tomorrow... you'll do better!
Sam: No I won't.
Grenn: Man, what a fucking loser. I can't believe that. Nobody likes cowards. Jon, promise me we won't become friends with him because everyone will think we're cowards too.
Pyp: [Long, convoluted joke about a bear in the woods that is an allegory for cowardliness].
That evening, Jon is throwing gravel on top of the Wall because that ice gets slippery as hell. He's contemplating Sam admitting his cowardice. He thinks back to Tyrion's stories about denying the truth. At least Sam isn't denying the truth. At any rate, Jon finishes his important rock throwing work and then heads down to the Castle Black cafeteria. Instead of sitting with his buds, he sits with Sam.
Jon: Hey Sam, meet my direwolf.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: This dude smells like bacon, can I eat him?]
Sam: I'm scared of that too. I'm scared of everything.
Jon: Let's go outside and talk.
And so they walk and talk.
Sam: I hate this place. It's so cold. I'd never even seen snow in my life before. All the castle is crumbling down. Everyone hates me.
Jon: Okay, let's go to the top of the Wall and look at the world. Sometimes that helps me clear my mind.
Sam: No, I'm scared of heights too.
Jon: What about that blade of grass over there?
Sam: Scared of it. It's called a "blade." It could probably cut me.
Jon: Why would someone who is afraid of everything join the Night's Watch?
Sam: *starts crying*
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Oh yes, now is my chance! Delicious bacon tears!]
Ghost licks Sam's face. Everyone starts laughing for some reason. Jon then tells a story about a freaky recurring dream about Winterfell's crypt and his lost uncle Benjen. Jon asks Sam if he ever had dreams about Horn Hill. Sam then recounts his entire life story as Jon tries not to fall asleep. Bottom line - Sam likes books and music and dancing rather than fighting, which makes his father hate him.
Jon: I told you, he sounds like a really messed up guy.
Sam: So one day he took me into the woods to go hunting. He told me to renounce my claim to Horn Hill as the oldest brother and to join the Watch. If I said no then there would be a "hunting accident" and I'd be brought home dead.
Jon: Oh shit, Cat Stark tried to kill me in "accidents" like four times a week. That's messed up man. Still, you've had a rough first day. Time to get some sleep, okay.
And so Sam goes off to sleep while Jon goes back to finish dinner.
Jon: Hey dudes, why did nobody want to hang out with Sam?
Grenn: Hey, there were plenty of spots on the benches by us. He just chose not to sit with us because he's a craven.
Jon: Okay, well from now on I don't want anyone fucking with Sam or kicking his ass, no matter what Thorne says.
Rast: Fuck that, if Ser Alliser says to fight Lady Piggy, then I'm going to cut me off a slice of bacon, if you know what I mean!
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Yes, I do!]
Jon: Oh, well... maybe tonight Pyp, Grenn, Ghost and me will visit your room and scare the shit out of you by having Ghost threaten to eat your neck. Then you'll see things differently.
Rast: Doubt it.
Later that night, they do just that.
Rast: Okay, FUCK. I won't mess with Sam.
The next day, Sam is sent to fight but nobody will kick his ass.
Alliser: Come on! COME ON! Beat the shit out of him! AGHHHH! I hate all of you!
Alliser storms off again, kicking more rocks.
Sam: Thanks for looking out for me Jon, you're a true friend.
Jon: We're not friends, Sam. Here in the Night's Watch... we're all brothers!
No comments:
Post a Comment