AGoT 30: Eddard VII

Ned and Ser Barristan Selmy help the Silent Sisters of the Faith of the Seven drag away the corpse of the knight killed by the Mountain at the joust.

Barristan: I stood vigil over him myself, Lord Hand. Ser Hugh had no family but a mother far away in the Vale.

Ned: Wait... what? Ser Hugh? From the Vale? That's who died in the joust?

Barristan: Yes.

Ned: Ser Hugh of the Vale? Jon Arryn's squire? The one who was just anointed? He was killed? By a giant thug who works for the Lannisters? Like... RIGHT when I was trying to interview him about some CSI investigation shit I'm doing?

Barristan: Well, I don't know anything about you trying to interview him, but yes. Also, you said "CSI investigation" but the "I" in "CSI" already stands for investigation. So technically you just said "investigation investigation."

Ned: Oh, my bad.

Barristan: No problem. Just sort of a pet peeve of mine. Like when someone says "ATM Machine."

Ned: What the fuck is an ATM?

Barristan: I have no idea. Anyway, the boy had newly forged armor. Probably cost him a pretty penny. Not sure he even paid for it yet.

Ned: Oh, he paid for it alright. With his life.

Barristan: You know what I meant, don't be a dick.

Ned: Have the armor sent to his mother in the Vale. She deserves that at least.

Barristan: And how about King Robert, huh? He insists that he's going to fight in this melee tomorrow. What a dumbass. Well, at least he'll probably forget about his drunken promises by the morning.

Ned: Oh, that's the one type of thing he won't forget about. Now I need to convince his dumb ass otherwise.

Ned reaches the King's pavilion and finds the King's two squires trying to squeeze the King's gigantic gut into his armor. 

Robert: You stupid idiots! Too incompetent to even know how to put a man into armor!

Ned: Look, I'm not saying that they're not idiots. They probably are.  But that's not why. You can't get into your armor because it looks like you found the original Robert Baratheon, cloned him six times, and then ate all seven of them.

Robert: WHAT?! How DARE you call the king fat! You better know your place, Stark!

Ned: Yeah, well, how about these two morons go run out and ask Ser Santagar for the "breastplate stretcher" to help out with this.

The two squires run away to do so. 

Everyone starts laughing when they leave. 

Barristan: Hahahaha! Breastplate stretcher?! That doesn't even exist!

Robert: Ho ho ho! Good one, Ned! Look! Even you're smiling at that one! A Stark smiling! It must be a first!

Barristan: Someone get a camera!

Ned: What the fuck is a camera?

Barristan: I have no idea.

Ned: So Robert, are those two little assholes Lannisters? They sure look like it. What with their blonde hair, beady eyes and their smarmy douche faces.

Robert: Yep. Lancel and Tyrek.

Ned: Holy crap, you've just surrounded yourself with Lannisters, haven't you? You better watch your back around them.

Robert: Well I'm married to the worst of them, ol' Icebox Cersei. Fuck that bitch. How dare she order me not to fight in that melee. I DO WHAT I WANT! Lyanna would have never told me that.

Ned: Honestly, Robert. You never really even knew Lyanna. You just have this fantasy about what she was like.

Robert: Pfft, you're just hating on me because I'm still young and have the juices for battle flowing through my veins! I'm going to win this battle! Also, ow, my hip just gave out.

Ned: And Cersei is right anyway. Besides, do you think if you win the melee it's a true victory? Do you think anyone else fighting would actually DARE to strike the King?

Robert: WHAT?! How dare you! Of course they would! I mean... wait... no... I... uhh... DAMNIT, Barristan, get out of here!

Barristan: Your grace.

Barristan leaves so that Ned and Robert can have some best bros talk. 

Robert: Damn you, Ned. Always pointing out obvious shit like that. You know, I never felt so alive as when I was fighting to become king. But now that I am king and ruling, everything sucks. I didn't even want to marry Cersei. That was Jon Arryn's idea. So that I'd have the wealth of the Lannisters supporting me in case that Viserys Targaryen douche ever tried to return. I just want to run away from all this and go fighting. Be a warrior or sell sword somewhere! But I know if I do that... then my little douchey boy Joffrey will be in charge. And holy shit that would be a bad idea. Look man, I know he lied about that direwolf thing. I'm sorry we had to kill your girl's wolf.  Some days I wonder how a boy that bad could be of my own blood.

Ned: Hahaha, yeah. I know, right?  Wait... no... say that again.

Robert: I said "some days I wonder how Joffrey could be of my own blood."

Ned pulls out his CSI notebook and scribbles that down. 

The two then change the subject and talk about the jousting for a bit. Eventually the night passes on and it's morning. They have breakfast and Robert is in a good mood. He agrees not to go fighting and talks about the good old days when they were younger. The old Robert starts to come out, and this makes Ned optimistic that maybe the old Robert is indeed buried in there somewhere (beneath many, many, many, many layers of fat). Maybe Robert will listen when Ned is ready to drop his truth bombs about the Lannisters and their plotting. 

Ned then heads off to the tournament to sit with Sansa today. Septa Mordane is still recovering from her hangover and Jeyne Poole was too horrified by the bloodshed to come back again. Sansa still loves this shit though. 

Sansa: Oh hey dad! Isn't this tournament just the BEST?!

Ned: *grumble*

Littlefinger: Okay, first fight up... The Hound versus Jaime Lannister! I got all my money on Jaime! I know a dog knows better than to bite the hand that feeds it! Who wants to bet?

Random Person: Uh, me?

The Hound then defeats Jaime.  Littlefinger forks over the money. 

Sansa: I knew the Hound would win!

Littlefinger: Oh shit, look at the Three-Eyed Crow over here that can see the fucking future! Dear Sansa, how about you tell me who wins the next round so I don't lose all my cash? Also, let me smell your panties.

Ned: Dude, I'm right here and will punch your face in.

Up next is The Mountain versus Loras Tyrell. Ned thinks about all these crazy stories they say about the Mountain. One is that during the war... The Mountain tracked down Rhaegar Targaryen's wife Ella Martel and raped her and murdered their son, Aegon, by bashing his head against a wall. There are also rumors about the murder of two of his wives, his sister, his father, and the burning of his brother's face. Usually Ned doesn't pay attention to this type of gossip.  But with the Mountain he can actually believe these stories. This is seriously one messed up, evil dude.

Sansa: Oh daddy, please tell me that Loras will be safe!

Ned: Of course he will, darling. These lances are designed to break.

Sansa: You mean just like with the one yesterday where the Mountain decapitated that guy?

Ned: Touché.

The two combatants run towards one another, but The Mountain has trouble controlling his horse. It's acting crazy and has a mysterious horse hard-on. Meanwhile, Loras's ride is all smooth like it has power steering. The Knight of Flowers easily takes down the Mountain and everyone cheers. 

Sansa: Yay! That's my new boyfriend! Don't tell Joffrey. 

The Mountain picks himself up and his furious. Being a punk ass, he blames his horse and calls for his sword. He then decapitates his horse and the whole crowd is shell shocked by that horrific, horse-murdering bullshit. The Mountain then walks over towards Ser Loras and knocks him off his horse. As he goes in to deliver a blow, The Hound comes in for the rescue. 

Crowd: Oh SHIT! OH SHIT! It's Clegane-Bowl everyone! CLEGANE BOWL!!!

They grab popcorn. 

Robert: STOP THIS! STOP THIS AT ONCE!

The Mountain glares at the King and drops his sword. He storms off, pouting. 

Crowd: Awwww! Damnit, we wanted Clegane Bowl!

Loras: Sandor, I owe you my life! I don't think we need to have the final match here. I think we all know who the real winner is today. THIS GUY!

Loras holds up The Hound's arm and points at him. 

Crowd: I know we, overall, should feel gypped by this end. But let's go ahead and cheer for the Hound. Yay Hound!

Littlefinger: Oh man, I could tell Loras's mare was in heat. I bet he knew that and used that horse on purpose, knowing it would make the Mountain's horse all horny and crazy.

Ned: Gross. You're so sex obsessed that you even are thinking about horse sex.

With the jousting tournament over and The Hound the winner, they head over to Archery next. But nobody cares about that and some due named Anguy wins. After that is the big melee. Thoros of Myr wins it with HOLY SHIT, A SWORD THAT SETS ITSELF ON FIRE!!!  Like a bazillion people are injured during the fight. 

Ned: I am so glad the King sobered up and decided not to fight in that one. That fire sword thing is whack.

That night at the feast, everyone is happy and Ned is in a good mood too. Sansa and Arya are even talking to each other. 

Sansa: Ew, why do you have all of those bruises, Arya?

Arya: Uhh... my... "dancing instructor."

Sansa: You must be a terrible dancer.

Ned: I hope this Syrio guy isn't being too hard on you, Arya.

Arya: Every injury is a lesson that makes you better.

Ned: Whatever, I know arguing with you will be useless.

Later Ned returns to his solar for the night and stares at the dagger that was used in the attempt on Bran's life. He thinks about it. Why would Tyrion want Bran dead? How is it linked to the death of Jon Arryn? Why was Jon so interested in King Robert's bastard children like Genrdy and this other bastard named Edric Storm? These are two different people, mind you. Definitely two different people, sorry of that confuses you TV-show-only people. 

His thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door. 

Ned: Damn, this chapter is still going, huh? A long one. Who is it?

Man in Disguise: Just a random man in disguise. Open up.

Ned: What do you want?

Man in Disguise: Let me in and close the door first and I'll tell you.

Ned does so. 

Man in Disguise: It's me!

He pulls his disguise off. It's Varys. 

Ned: Oh shit, the disguise was solid. I had no idea it was you.

Varys: Good, I don't want Queen Cersei to know I was meeting with you.

Ned: And why is that?

Varys: Because I have heard some secret rumors about the Queen. My little birds say that she was plotting to have the King murdered in the melee!

Ned: Oh shit! Really? Maybe that's something you could have told me BEFORE the melee though.

Varys: I didn't know whether to trust you or not then. There are two types of people here - those loyal to the crown and those only loyal to themselves. So many people are not true to their word and shift alliances on a whim. But you gave the king advice for him not to participate. You really want to protect him. I know I can trust you.

Ned: Wait, how does this make any sense? Cersei was specifically telling the King NOT to participate in the melee. If she wanted him to be killed in the melee, then why did she beg him not to participate?

Varys: Did she really beg him not to participate? Or did she ORDER him not to participate? And in a very public manner in front of everyone else.

Ned: Goddamn it, Varys, you're RIGHT! The one way to make sure Robert does something is to publicly order him NOT to do that very thing. He's like a petulant child in that way. Plus doing so publicly gives Cersei cover. That way even if the murderer gets caught and names her - there are a ton of witnesses that saw Cersei tell the king not to participate and the murderer would look like a liar. That's some deep, manipulative, evil Lannister plotting there. And I bet they'll plot to kill him yet again!

Varys: No doubt. We must be ever watchful.

Ned: You know what, Varys? You're a stand-up dude coming to me like this. I hated your weird, bald, no-ball ass at first. But I think we can bro it out from now on.

Varys: Oh, thank you. But in public you must continue to show contempt for me like before. We must not let the Lannisters on. Or any other plotters who might be involved.

Ned: Yeah. Who knows who could have been involved? It could be anyone. Just like with Jon Arryn's death. And hey - do your little birds know any more about that death?

Varys: Oh yes, I might as well tell you now that I know I can trust you. He was given the Tears of Lys, a very rare and costly poison.

Ned: Poison! I knew it! But who administered it?

Varys: It could have been one of a number of people, but after today I think the answer is obvious. His squire, Hugh.

Ned: SHIT, you're right! And now he's dead! Killed by a Lannister hitman. Another Lannister loose end cleaned up. This is hardcore. So now I know that he was killed and by who. But the biggest question of all... WHY?

Varys: Obvious, Ned. For asking too many questions. Just like you're doing right now.

Ned: Oh, that's reassuring.