Bran: Oh boy! I finally get to ride around on this sweet saddle that Tyrion Lannister designed for me. That guy is the best! I know my family will definitely treat him well for all he's done for me now.
And so Bran heads out on horse, Dancer. At first it's really scary and it feels like he's going to fall off. It's hard to ride without use of his legs. But then he gets the hang of it and it's all good. But still way too dangerous to head out alone. Ya know-- with Wildlings and highwaymen and whatnot. So along for the ride with him are his brother Robb, Theon Greyjoy, Maester Luwin, and the Master of Horse, Joseth. Oh, and also Summer and Grey Wind because they follow Bran and Robb around everywhere.
Robb: Hahaha! Come here, Doggo! I love you so much! Yeah, lick my face, doggo! We're the best of friends.
Grey Wind: *lick*lick* [Translation: *lick*lick*]
They ride along and pass a small village with an ale house. Theon then notices a girk, Kyra.
Theon: OH HEY, KYRA! KYRA! You a spinner, girl! Hahaha.
Kyra blushes and hides her face.
Theon: Oh man. She's all shy out in public. But in the bedroom she squirms like a weasel, if you know what I mean. This one time I--
Robb: --Dude, Bran is right there and he's a little kid. Could you tell some other story?
Bran: Forget stories. I want to burn some rubber! Whatever rubber is! See you scrubs later!
Bran whips Dancer and he speeds off. Robb runs out too and the two are now far off in the godswood by themselves.
Bran: Oh man, this so so much fun! What did the narrator say earlier about it being way too dangerous to head out alone?
Robb: I can't remember, I'm sure it's fine that we left everyone else behind in the dust.
Bran: Hey Robb, what's up? I can see you're pretending to smile, but I can tell something is bothering you.
Robb: Yeah, you're right. We got some ravens the last few days. The first was about Benjen. He's still missing. The next was from mom. She took Tyrion hostage on the Kingsroad.
Bran: Whaaaaat? Nice Mr. Tyrion who built me this saddle?
But Bran sort of suspected this was up. He knew there was trouble with the Lannisters. Something in the back of his head was bothering him about the Lannisters. Something involving kissing or something. But he couldn't remember quite what it was. Weird.
Robb: Well, that's not even the worst of the ravens.
Bran: Yeah, the worst of the Ravens is Ray Rice. He beat that girl in the elevator.
Robb: No... I mean yes... he's awful. But, I mean... no, Bran. No. This is serious. We got a raven from King's Landing. It said Jory, Heward and Wyl have all been murdered by the Kingslayer.
Bran: OH NO! Not Jory! Also... who the hell are Heward and Wyl?
Robb shrugs. Nobody knows who these people were. RIP.
Bran: Poor Jory. He used to chase me around when I was climbing up on the castle walls. Oh man, those were good times. I miss walking and climbing.
Robb: Well, the letter's not over yet. Father's been hurt too. His horse fell on him and he has a broken leg.
Bran: WHAT? This is all terrible news! This is the worst! I can't possibly think of any way anything could possible get more worse than it is right now.
And then Bran and Robb are surrounded by a bunch of Wildlings or bandits or something.
Wildings or Something: Hi, we're a bunch of bandits. We're all mixed up. Some of us abandoned the Watch. Some of us are just Wildlings. Some of us are just poor people that need to steal to get by.
Osha: I'm here too. I'm also with them but I'm a woman and I'll be a featured character so I'm worth pointing out.
Wildlings, Etc.: Yeah, so we're here to rob you.
Robb: You can't Robb me. I'm already Robb.
Wildlings: We don't get it.
Robb: My name. It's "Robb." It's kind of a homonym joke. Rob and Robb. Oh, never mind.
Wildlings: Give us all your riches or we'll kill you. And by "or" we mean "and."
Bran: We'll never surrender to you! I'm Brandon Stark and you should all flee!
Wildlings: Wow, only a Stark would actually be stupid enough to declare that he's a Stark in front of a bunch of Wildlings, so he must be. We should probably cut this boy's cock off and stuff it in his mouth.
Bran: Whatever. I won't even feel it.
Wildlings: What? Really?
Bran: I mean the stuffing in mouth part I'd feel, but not the cutting off part.
One of the Wildings walks up and cuts Bran's leg. He feels nothing.
Osha: That's hardcore, kid.
Robb: Now, surrender Wildlings!
Wildlings: Oh yeah? You and what army is going to make us?
Robb: Uhhh... this army?
Rob whistles and the two direwolves appear. Robb attacks along with the direwolves. The direwolves start eating their necks and everything.
Wildlings: AGHHH!
But one of the Wildlings, Stiv, is still alive. I mean Osha's alive too but we're not talking about her now. Stiv grabs Bran and puts a knife to the boy's throat.
Stiv: Okay, anything else and we'll see if this kid also don't feel his neck being cut.
But suddenly, an arrow bursts through Stiv's chest and he falls down into a stream. The rest of the crew that was riding with them earlier had caught up.
Theon: Hahaha! Oh my god, I'm such a good shot. Aced it!
Robb: DUDE! You could have hit my brother!
Theon: Yeah, I could have. But I didn't.
Robb: Jon was right, you're such a dick. And where were you guys anyway?! You were supposed to be riding with us and protecting us?
Theon: Uh, well you guys ran out far ahead of us. It's really your fault. You know Luwin's old ass can't go that fast. And then when he finally caught up we saw this turkey. And so I was like, "Hey! Let's go turkey hunting!" It was pretty sweet.
Robb: I am so damn angry with you know.
Luwin: Hrm, two of these bandits appear to be wearing clothing of the Night's Watch. Traitors who abandoned the Watch!
Robb: Oath breakers! Let's cut their heads off and send them back to the wall as a message. And then leave the bodies here to rot and get eaten by animals.
Osha: Hey, uhhhh... everyone. I'm still alive here. What's up with me? How about you just spare my life and I'll serve you all?
Robb: We have no purpose for oath breakers!
Theon: Yeah, let's feed her to the Wolves.
Osha: Uhm, excuse me Lord Dumbass and Ser Dumbasser, I ain't no oath breaker. I'm an ACTUAL Wildling. Besides, did you forget that women can't join the Watch?
Luwin: I say we question her. She might have much useful information.
Osha: YES! YES! That! Lots of useful information I have it!
And so they tie her up to take her back to Winterfell.
Osha: Tied up, huh? You Starks are into some kinky shit.
And so Bran heads out on horse, Dancer. At first it's really scary and it feels like he's going to fall off. It's hard to ride without use of his legs. But then he gets the hang of it and it's all good. But still way too dangerous to head out alone. Ya know-- with Wildlings and highwaymen and whatnot. So along for the ride with him are his brother Robb, Theon Greyjoy, Maester Luwin, and the Master of Horse, Joseth. Oh, and also Summer and Grey Wind because they follow Bran and Robb around everywhere.
Robb: Hahaha! Come here, Doggo! I love you so much! Yeah, lick my face, doggo! We're the best of friends.
Grey Wind: *lick*lick* [Translation: *lick*lick*]
They ride along and pass a small village with an ale house. Theon then notices a girk, Kyra.
Theon: OH HEY, KYRA! KYRA! You a spinner, girl! Hahaha.
Kyra blushes and hides her face.
Theon: Oh man. She's all shy out in public. But in the bedroom she squirms like a weasel, if you know what I mean. This one time I--
Robb: --Dude, Bran is right there and he's a little kid. Could you tell some other story?
Bran: Forget stories. I want to burn some rubber! Whatever rubber is! See you scrubs later!
Bran whips Dancer and he speeds off. Robb runs out too and the two are now far off in the godswood by themselves.
Bran: Oh man, this so so much fun! What did the narrator say earlier about it being way too dangerous to head out alone?
Robb: I can't remember, I'm sure it's fine that we left everyone else behind in the dust.
Bran: Hey Robb, what's up? I can see you're pretending to smile, but I can tell something is bothering you.
Robb: Yeah, you're right. We got some ravens the last few days. The first was about Benjen. He's still missing. The next was from mom. She took Tyrion hostage on the Kingsroad.
Bran: Whaaaaat? Nice Mr. Tyrion who built me this saddle?
But Bran sort of suspected this was up. He knew there was trouble with the Lannisters. Something in the back of his head was bothering him about the Lannisters. Something involving kissing or something. But he couldn't remember quite what it was. Weird.
Robb: Well, that's not even the worst of the ravens.
Bran: Yeah, the worst of the Ravens is Ray Rice. He beat that girl in the elevator.
Robb: No... I mean yes... he's awful. But, I mean... no, Bran. No. This is serious. We got a raven from King's Landing. It said Jory, Heward and Wyl have all been murdered by the Kingslayer.
Bran: OH NO! Not Jory! Also... who the hell are Heward and Wyl?
Robb shrugs. Nobody knows who these people were. RIP.
Bran: Poor Jory. He used to chase me around when I was climbing up on the castle walls. Oh man, those were good times. I miss walking and climbing.
Robb: Well, the letter's not over yet. Father's been hurt too. His horse fell on him and he has a broken leg.
Bran: WHAT? This is all terrible news! This is the worst! I can't possibly think of any way anything could possible get more worse than it is right now.
And then Bran and Robb are surrounded by a bunch of Wildlings or bandits or something.
Wildings or Something: Hi, we're a bunch of bandits. We're all mixed up. Some of us abandoned the Watch. Some of us are just Wildlings. Some of us are just poor people that need to steal to get by.
Osha: I'm here too. I'm also with them but I'm a woman and I'll be a featured character so I'm worth pointing out.
Wildlings, Etc.: Yeah, so we're here to rob you.
Robb: You can't Robb me. I'm already Robb.
Wildlings: We don't get it.
Robb: My name. It's "Robb." It's kind of a homonym joke. Rob and Robb. Oh, never mind.
Wildlings: Give us all your riches or we'll kill you. And by "or" we mean "and."
Bran: We'll never surrender to you! I'm Brandon Stark and you should all flee!
Wildlings: Wow, only a Stark would actually be stupid enough to declare that he's a Stark in front of a bunch of Wildlings, so he must be. We should probably cut this boy's cock off and stuff it in his mouth.
Bran: Whatever. I won't even feel it.
Wildlings: What? Really?
Bran: I mean the stuffing in mouth part I'd feel, but not the cutting off part.
One of the Wildings walks up and cuts Bran's leg. He feels nothing.
Osha: That's hardcore, kid.
Robb: Now, surrender Wildlings!
Wildlings: Oh yeah? You and what army is going to make us?
Robb: Uhhh... this army?
Rob whistles and the two direwolves appear. Robb attacks along with the direwolves. The direwolves start eating their necks and everything.
Wildlings: AGHHH!
But one of the Wildlings, Stiv, is still alive. I mean Osha's alive too but we're not talking about her now. Stiv grabs Bran and puts a knife to the boy's throat.
Stiv: Okay, anything else and we'll see if this kid also don't feel his neck being cut.
But suddenly, an arrow bursts through Stiv's chest and he falls down into a stream. The rest of the crew that was riding with them earlier had caught up.
Theon: Hahaha! Oh my god, I'm such a good shot. Aced it!
Robb: DUDE! You could have hit my brother!
Theon: Yeah, I could have. But I didn't.
Robb: Jon was right, you're such a dick. And where were you guys anyway?! You were supposed to be riding with us and protecting us?
Theon: Uh, well you guys ran out far ahead of us. It's really your fault. You know Luwin's old ass can't go that fast. And then when he finally caught up we saw this turkey. And so I was like, "Hey! Let's go turkey hunting!" It was pretty sweet.
Robb: I am so damn angry with you know.
Luwin: Hrm, two of these bandits appear to be wearing clothing of the Night's Watch. Traitors who abandoned the Watch!
Robb: Oath breakers! Let's cut their heads off and send them back to the wall as a message. And then leave the bodies here to rot and get eaten by animals.
Osha: Hey, uhhhh... everyone. I'm still alive here. What's up with me? How about you just spare my life and I'll serve you all?
Robb: We have no purpose for oath breakers!
Theon: Yeah, let's feed her to the Wolves.
Osha: Uhm, excuse me Lord Dumbass and Ser Dumbasser, I ain't no oath breaker. I'm an ACTUAL Wildling. Besides, did you forget that women can't join the Watch?
Luwin: I say we question her. She might have much useful information.
Osha: YES! YES! That! Lots of useful information I have it!
And so they tie her up to take her back to Winterfell.
Osha: Tied up, huh? You Starks are into some kinky shit.
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