Sansa is riding to the Hand's Tournament with Septa Mordane and Jeyne Poole and it is the BEST THING EVER. Her dad must be so proud of this tournament being held in his name.
Sansa: Look at all those handsome Kingsguards in their white, except for Jaime who gets to also wear gold for some reason. And wow, look at that Mountain guy Gregor Clegane. He's probably such a stand-up guy. Oh look, there's Yohn Royce. He wears armor that's thousands of years old and protected by ancient runes.
Yohn: Has anyone seen my son Waymar? Hello? Hello? My son Waymar was in the Prologue chapter and nobody has seen him since. Can anyone help me?
Septa Mordane: And look girls, there is Jason Mallister. You can tell from his eagle-winged helmet.
Sansa: Oh, look at that guy! Hehehe! He's so weird looking.
Septa Mordane: That's Thoros of Myr. He once scaled the walks of Pyke with a flaming sword, when he helped to defeat the Greyjoys. And just in case you wanted to know, Jorah Mormont was there at that battle too. Not that it matters. I mean Jorah is an exile over in Essos now, so the possibility that Jorah and Thoros would be reunited for any type of scene is highly dubious.
Jeyne: Oh wow, look at that dark guy, Jalabhar Xho. He's so scary looking!
Sansa: Wow, that's pretty racist Jeyne.
Jeyne: But that guy over there... Beric Dondarrion. WOW! So handsome!
Sansa: Wait... you're crushing on Beric? I really hope he's younger in the books because that is sort of gross, Jeyne.
Sansa continues to watch all the knights go buy. It's so amazing! Just like the songs, but even better!
They watch the tourney from a place of honor, and watch the jousts go on. Everyone from Winterfell is absolutely shitty, with the exception of Jory Cassel who wins two matches but then loses a third one by decision of the King.
When riders collide, Jeyne often hides her eyes. But Sansa continues to watch because she's a FUCKING LADY. Septa Mordane nods in approval.
The jousting goes on all day. Jaime Lannister defeats Barristan Selmy. The Hound and the Mountain seem to be kicking everyone's ass. Some unfortunate ugly-looking young knight with some crescent moon on his chest has to go up against the Mountain next. Sansa doesn't even know who it is. The moons are, like, from the Vale of Aryyn or something. That's where Aunt Lysa lives. But still, she doesn't care about this dude at all.
The Mountain charges and impales him with his lance. The dude falls off his horse, completely fucking dead and bleeding out like a burst open fire hydrant.
Sansa: I feel nothing. There will be no songs sung of this poor, unlucky bastard. He'll be immediately forgotten and his death will bare no ramifications on any follow-up chapters or separate narratives.
They drag his corpse off the field, throw some dirt over the blood and keep the jousts going. Next Renly faces the Hound and the Hound knocks him off his horse so hard that one of the antlers on Renly's helm breaks off. The Hound tosses it into the crowd and they fight over it like a foul ball.
Now there are only four left in the tournament - The Hound, the Mountain, Jaime, and the Knight of Flowers AKA Ser Loras Tyrell. All day long, Loras gave pretty white flowers to the ladies. But this time he rides up to Sansa and gives her a red flower.
Loras: No victory is half so beautiful as you.
Sansa: Oh my god, I just came.
Littlefinger: Oh hey there Sansa, I'm here too and I've been staring at you the whole time. Your hair is just like your mother's. Hawt. You having your period yet or what?
He touches her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and then walks away.
Sansa: Aaaaand, I just un-came.
King Robert: Okay everyone, it's getting late. Let's have the last three matches tomorrow. Now let's all eat and get shitfaced!
And they close up the jousting for the night and head over to the feast. There, she has a seat next to Joffrey. They haven't talked since Lady's death, so she had no idea how Joffrey would act around her. But he starts complementing her for being beautiful and pours her and Septa Mordane some wine. Sansa knows that nothing is Joffey's fault. Joffrey is a wonderful, misunderstood guy and everything is really fucking Arya's fault. Yeah. Arya.
Sansa: Thank you so much, Joffrey! You're so awesome! Do you think the Knight of Flowers is going to win tomorrow?
Joffrey: Hell no! It will be my uncle Jaime or the Hound. But that's only because I'm not fighting in the tournament! Once day I'll be in it and I'll kick everyone's ass because I'm so talented and awesome!
But their happy time together gets disrupted by the noise coming from the super drunk and angry king.
Robert: SHUT UP, BITCH! YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I DO WHAT I WANT! DON'T TELL ME NOT TO FIGHT! IF I WANT TO FIGHT TOMORROW, I'LL FIGHT!
Queen Cersei rolls her eyes and walks away. Jaime walks over to the King and the King pushes him to the ground.
Robert: Haha Kingslayer bitch! See, I can still kick your ass! Give me my war hammer and I can kick everyone's ass! I'm going to fight in this skirmish tomorrow!
Joffrey: It's getting late, dear Sansa. Would you like an escort back to your room?
Sansa: Yes, I would! Very much so!
She gets super happy and excited, knowing that Joffrey will walk her back to her place. Septa Mordane is all drunk and asleep now... so she can't cockblock. Sansa might even let Joffrey get to second base just to make sure he's not angry at her for any reason.
Joffrey: Great! Okay Hound, come escort Sansa back!
Sansa: WHAT?!
Hound: Hahaha, you dumb bitch. You didn't think he'd do it himself, did you?
And so the Hound escorts Sansa back to the Tower of the Hand. It's awkward as hell. Sansa refuses to look him in the face because a proper lady shouldn't comment on such things as his burnt skin. She tries to make some polite small talk but it all fails.
Hound: Oh come on bitch, just out with it already. You want to know how this happened?
Sansa: No! Please! I don't, ser.
Hound: Ser? I'm no knight like my douche brother. Look at you, reciting pretty words that your Septa taught you. Fuck that. You want to know what "noble" knights like my brother are like? He did this to me. When we were kids I wanted to play with one of his toys, so he grabbed me and held my face into a fucking fire and burned half of my damn face off. Now I look like Harvey Dent. That's some fucked up shit, right? So much for chivalrous knights anointed in fucking blesses oils.
Sansa: He... he is no true knight then.
Hound: Oh wow, BIG FUCKING DETECTIVE COLOMBO YOU ARE THERE! Another mystery solved!
Finally, they arrive at Sansa's bedchamber where the Hound drops her off.
Hound: Have a nice night's sleep. Oh yeah, and if you tell anyone this story about my brother and my face I WILL KILL YOU. Sweet dreams.
Sansa: Look at all those handsome Kingsguards in their white, except for Jaime who gets to also wear gold for some reason. And wow, look at that Mountain guy Gregor Clegane. He's probably such a stand-up guy. Oh look, there's Yohn Royce. He wears armor that's thousands of years old and protected by ancient runes.
Yohn: Has anyone seen my son Waymar? Hello? Hello? My son Waymar was in the Prologue chapter and nobody has seen him since. Can anyone help me?
Septa Mordane: And look girls, there is Jason Mallister. You can tell from his eagle-winged helmet.
Sansa: Oh, look at that guy! Hehehe! He's so weird looking.
Septa Mordane: That's Thoros of Myr. He once scaled the walks of Pyke with a flaming sword, when he helped to defeat the Greyjoys. And just in case you wanted to know, Jorah Mormont was there at that battle too. Not that it matters. I mean Jorah is an exile over in Essos now, so the possibility that Jorah and Thoros would be reunited for any type of scene is highly dubious.
Jeyne: Oh wow, look at that dark guy, Jalabhar Xho. He's so scary looking!
Sansa: Wow, that's pretty racist Jeyne.
Jeyne: But that guy over there... Beric Dondarrion. WOW! So handsome!
Sansa: Wait... you're crushing on Beric? I really hope he's younger in the books because that is sort of gross, Jeyne.
Sansa continues to watch all the knights go buy. It's so amazing! Just like the songs, but even better!
They watch the tourney from a place of honor, and watch the jousts go on. Everyone from Winterfell is absolutely shitty, with the exception of Jory Cassel who wins two matches but then loses a third one by decision of the King.
When riders collide, Jeyne often hides her eyes. But Sansa continues to watch because she's a FUCKING LADY. Septa Mordane nods in approval.
The jousting goes on all day. Jaime Lannister defeats Barristan Selmy. The Hound and the Mountain seem to be kicking everyone's ass. Some unfortunate ugly-looking young knight with some crescent moon on his chest has to go up against the Mountain next. Sansa doesn't even know who it is. The moons are, like, from the Vale of Aryyn or something. That's where Aunt Lysa lives. But still, she doesn't care about this dude at all.
The Mountain charges and impales him with his lance. The dude falls off his horse, completely fucking dead and bleeding out like a burst open fire hydrant.
Sansa: I feel nothing. There will be no songs sung of this poor, unlucky bastard. He'll be immediately forgotten and his death will bare no ramifications on any follow-up chapters or separate narratives.
They drag his corpse off the field, throw some dirt over the blood and keep the jousts going. Next Renly faces the Hound and the Hound knocks him off his horse so hard that one of the antlers on Renly's helm breaks off. The Hound tosses it into the crowd and they fight over it like a foul ball.
Now there are only four left in the tournament - The Hound, the Mountain, Jaime, and the Knight of Flowers AKA Ser Loras Tyrell. All day long, Loras gave pretty white flowers to the ladies. But this time he rides up to Sansa and gives her a red flower.
Loras: No victory is half so beautiful as you.
Sansa: Oh my god, I just came.
Littlefinger: Oh hey there Sansa, I'm here too and I've been staring at you the whole time. Your hair is just like your mother's. Hawt. You having your period yet or what?
He touches her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and then walks away.
Sansa: Aaaaand, I just un-came.
King Robert: Okay everyone, it's getting late. Let's have the last three matches tomorrow. Now let's all eat and get shitfaced!
And they close up the jousting for the night and head over to the feast. There, she has a seat next to Joffrey. They haven't talked since Lady's death, so she had no idea how Joffrey would act around her. But he starts complementing her for being beautiful and pours her and Septa Mordane some wine. Sansa knows that nothing is Joffey's fault. Joffrey is a wonderful, misunderstood guy and everything is really fucking Arya's fault. Yeah. Arya.
Sansa: Thank you so much, Joffrey! You're so awesome! Do you think the Knight of Flowers is going to win tomorrow?
Joffrey: Hell no! It will be my uncle Jaime or the Hound. But that's only because I'm not fighting in the tournament! Once day I'll be in it and I'll kick everyone's ass because I'm so talented and awesome!
But their happy time together gets disrupted by the noise coming from the super drunk and angry king.
Robert: SHUT UP, BITCH! YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I DO WHAT I WANT! DON'T TELL ME NOT TO FIGHT! IF I WANT TO FIGHT TOMORROW, I'LL FIGHT!
Queen Cersei rolls her eyes and walks away. Jaime walks over to the King and the King pushes him to the ground.
Robert: Haha Kingslayer bitch! See, I can still kick your ass! Give me my war hammer and I can kick everyone's ass! I'm going to fight in this skirmish tomorrow!
Joffrey: It's getting late, dear Sansa. Would you like an escort back to your room?
Sansa: Yes, I would! Very much so!
She gets super happy and excited, knowing that Joffrey will walk her back to her place. Septa Mordane is all drunk and asleep now... so she can't cockblock. Sansa might even let Joffrey get to second base just to make sure he's not angry at her for any reason.
Joffrey: Great! Okay Hound, come escort Sansa back!
Sansa: WHAT?!
Hound: Hahaha, you dumb bitch. You didn't think he'd do it himself, did you?
And so the Hound escorts Sansa back to the Tower of the Hand. It's awkward as hell. Sansa refuses to look him in the face because a proper lady shouldn't comment on such things as his burnt skin. She tries to make some polite small talk but it all fails.
Hound: Oh come on bitch, just out with it already. You want to know how this happened?
Sansa: No! Please! I don't, ser.
Hound: Ser? I'm no knight like my douche brother. Look at you, reciting pretty words that your Septa taught you. Fuck that. You want to know what "noble" knights like my brother are like? He did this to me. When we were kids I wanted to play with one of his toys, so he grabbed me and held my face into a fucking fire and burned half of my damn face off. Now I look like Harvey Dent. That's some fucked up shit, right? So much for chivalrous knights anointed in fucking blesses oils.
Sansa: He... he is no true knight then.
Hound: Oh wow, BIG FUCKING DETECTIVE COLOMBO YOU ARE THERE! Another mystery solved!
Finally, they arrive at Sansa's bedchamber where the Hound drops her off.
Hound: Have a nice night's sleep. Oh yeah, and if you tell anyone this story about my brother and my face I WILL KILL YOU. Sweet dreams.
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