Tyrion watches his injured horse get slaughtered for food by a sell sword named Chiggen.
Tyrion: Oh man, why did you have to do that? My brother Jamie gave me that horse! I don't want to eat horse. Especially not my own horse.
Bronn, one of the Sellswords: You know the Dothraki think that horse is actually the best tasting meat.
Tyrion: Wait... who the hell are you? Bronn? Have you been introduced yet? Is this one of those confusing chapters when we start in media res? I hate those! I'm just going to flash back to the beginning so that I can catch up with the narrative in chronological order...
Tyrion: Shh! I'm not done flashing back yet.
Tyrion: I'm not quite sure, let's just go ahead and say yes so that we can move forward with the story.
They march onward. By the second night, Tyrion is freed of his shackles as well. The road was full of dangerous Shadowcats and Vale Mountain Clans.
Tyrion: Shadowcats? Band name?
Cat: Absolutely.
Tyrion: Aww, I think you're coming to like me. You took that bag off my head and unshackled me.
Cat: Please, don't think there is any fondness here. This is a dangerous road and it would be better if your hands were free. Make even the slightest attempt at running and you'll be a gonner though, Imp!
Tyrion: Stupid Marillion. This is all his damn fault. Still, good move on your part, Cat. Continually telling everyone that we would be going to Winterfell and instead going here. All my father's men will be going in the wrong direction. But this is a rough and bumpy road that's hard on the horses. I already lost mine. How many men will lose their horses too? It will only slow us down more. Hell, I'll probably die before I even get there at this rate.
Cat: Oh please, we won't let you die. I'm not a murderer. I'm looking for justice. You will have a fair trial and be executed after that.
Tyrion: I'm not a murderer either. What kind of idiot would hire a common assassin and then give him his own blade?
Cat: Uhh.... But Littlefinger said...
Tyrion: -LITTLEFINGER? Oh, is that who told you I did this?
Cat: Why would he lie about a thing like this?
Tyrion: Shit, don't you know that lying is the only thing that Littlefinger actually does? All the time. You can only guess how many times he bragged about being the one to pop your cherry.
Cat: That's a lie!!!
Tyrion: Yeah, see what I mean?
Kurleket: You want me to cut this imp's throat, Lady Stark? An important character like me that will last a long time would be happy to do the deed!
Cat: No, let the idiot talk.
Tyrion is (obviously) happy about that. Maybe he's getting through to her. Maybe she's starting to see reason. Her eyes are beginning to show a little bit of doubt.
Tyrion: Tell me Cat, how exactly did Littlefinger say I got this dagger?
Cat: Well, he says it used to be HIS dagger but then you won it from him in a bet where the Knight of Flowers unseated your brother.
Tyrion: Oh wow, and you believed that? If Loras Tyrell won the match... and I won the bet... wouldn't that mean that I bet on Loras? That I bet for my brother to lose? My brother who is the only human being who has ever been kind to me and the only member of my family who doesn't despise me?
Cat: I... uhh... erm...
But she's interrupted when they hear a cry out from the woods.
Cat: Oh shit! It's the Mountain Clans! Everyone take up arms!
Tyrion: Me too! Give me and my men weapons!
Cat: You've got to be kidding.
Tyrion: Why else would you want my hands free and unshackled? For just a situation like this! These clansmen don't care about Lannister or Stark. They will kill us all. You need every man you can get. Both us, as well as your men who are guarding us.
Cat nods, and orders for Tyrion and his men to get weapons.
Bronn: Here you go, have this axe.
Tyrion: Dude, I don't know how to use an axe.
Bronn: Meh, whatever.
Everyone runs into the battle. Except for the singer Marillion who runs away, screaming like a little coward and hiding behind a log.
Tyrion: Dude, get away from here. This is my log.
Marillion: *pees himself*
Tyrion: Oh gross. Whatever, I might as well just go ahead now and die rather than hide back here with you. FOR CASTERLY ROCK!!!
He runs into battle and a horse rider comes immediately after him. Tyrion swings his axe and hits the horse in the neck. That's right... two horse decapitation chapters in a row! The horse and rider both come down, landing on Marillion.
Marillion: *craps himself*
The battle rages on. Tyrion stays mostly on the sidelines, and only occasionally comes in to slice some legs off a horse or kill a fallen foe on the ground. He even helps save Lady Catelyn from a group of attackers. In the end, they are victorious - but his man Jyck get killed. Mohor is dead too. And also he sees this happen:
Kurleket: I am an important character! I will go on to do great things- *gets head bashed in by mace*
Tyrion: Ooh, a free dagger!
He takes the dagger from Kurleket's dead body. Because who passes up a free dagger? Nobody, that's who.
Tyrion: We only lost three people. That was pretty good.
Bronn: Was that your first battle, Imp?
Tyiron: Yep.
Bronn: You know what a man needs after having been blooded for the first time? A woman, that's what!
Tyrion: Well, I'm up for it if Cat is.
Cat: Choke on a bag of dicks, Lannister.
Tyrion: Aww, just kidding! And I thought we were having a moment. I saved you in that battle and everything.
Cat: I'm still taking you to the Eyrie to be put to death, so I suppose not.
Willis Wode: Come now, m'lady. We must be on our way. Surely there will be more attackers soon.
Cat: No! We must stop to bury the dead and pay our respects. Or at least place some rocks on top of them so their bodies don't get eaten by Shadowcats.
Bronn: Yeah, have fun doing that. As for myself and Chiggen... we'll be on our way to do more useful things. Like continue breathing.
Rodrick: As much as I hate to agree with the sell sword, Lady Stark, he's right. We need to keep going.
And so they head out. Tyrion laughs at Marillion who has a bunch of broken ribs and looks like he got messed up. He's less happy that Marillion somehow wound up with one of the clansmen's sweet ass Shadowcat-skin cloaks.
And speaking of Shadowcats, in the distance as they ride away... Tyrion hears the sounds of the Shadowcats already eating the dead. It's HARDCORE. Shit he will have nightmares about forever. He tries to take his mind off that.
Tyrion: Anyway... to complete the story we were talking about before this attack happened, Cat, there is one huge flaw in Littlefinger's story. I would never bet against my family!
Tyrion: Oh man, why did you have to do that? My brother Jamie gave me that horse! I don't want to eat horse. Especially not my own horse.
Bronn, one of the Sellswords: You know the Dothraki think that horse is actually the best tasting meat.
Tyrion: Wait... who the hell are you? Bronn? Have you been introduced yet? Is this one of those confusing chapters when we start in media res? I hate those! I'm just going to flash back to the beginning so that I can catch up with the narrative in chronological order...
Back at the Inn at the Crossroads, a dozen swords surround Tyrion's neck. Tyrion's guard, Jyck, begins to pull his sword out but Tyrion nods at him to put it away. They're far outnumbered. Cat starts to show off the wounds on her hand.
Cat: See these cuts? They're from the knife you used to try to cut my boy's neck! I fought that assassin off! Well now I'll get my justice when I take you to Winterfell.
Tyrion: Well, I'm totally innocent. I want everyone to know that! And by the way, anyone here who is a witness will get a handsome reward from my father if they say what they saw here today.
Rodrick: Nobody do that!
Cat: Oh, nobody here will talk. They're all loyal to me. They won't tell anyone that we're going to Winterfell. Yes, Winterfell is indeed where I am going. For justice. At Winterfell. So for everyone out there taking notes, we are going to Winterfell next. Of the four directions we could head here at the crossroads, the direction we choose will be North.
Tyrion: Geez, they get the point.
Yoren: Dude, I'm just in the Night's Watch. I'm neutral and was only escorting you. Good luck with all that, Tyrion.
Cat: Now, I need help and recruits to get this prisoner back to Winterfell, which is the place that I am taking him. Who is with me?
Several offer there help, but Tyrion smiles at how few it is. Many of these men, sword to her father's house, don't offer any support at all. Of those who do - the only men-at-arms of the houses are Willis Wode, Lharys, Mohor and Kurleket. The others who offer their help are simply sell swords looking for profit - like these two dudes Chiggen and Bronn.Bronn: Ah-ha! See? This is where I enter the story!
Tyrion: Shh! I'm not done flashing back yet.
Tyrion is taken outside the Inn and assures Cat that they'll never make it all the way to Winterfell. Lady Stark just gives a bitchy smirk, ties his hands behind his back, and throws a burlap sack over his head. They head out on the road, throw him on his horse, and head out in the rain.
The next morning, they finally take the sack off of his head.
Tyrion: Hey! This isn't the Kingsroad! This is the high road to the Eyrie! We're not going to Winterfell at all.
Cat: Hahaha, that's right you stupid Imp. Looks like Cat pulled a fast one on you!Bronn: So are we caught up to the present yet?
Tyrion: I'm not quite sure, let's just go ahead and say yes so that we can move forward with the story.
They march onward. By the second night, Tyrion is freed of his shackles as well. The road was full of dangerous Shadowcats and Vale Mountain Clans.
Tyrion: Shadowcats? Band name?
Cat: Absolutely.
Tyrion: Aww, I think you're coming to like me. You took that bag off my head and unshackled me.
Cat: Please, don't think there is any fondness here. This is a dangerous road and it would be better if your hands were free. Make even the slightest attempt at running and you'll be a gonner though, Imp!
Tyrion: Stupid Marillion. This is all his damn fault. Still, good move on your part, Cat. Continually telling everyone that we would be going to Winterfell and instead going here. All my father's men will be going in the wrong direction. But this is a rough and bumpy road that's hard on the horses. I already lost mine. How many men will lose their horses too? It will only slow us down more. Hell, I'll probably die before I even get there at this rate.
Cat: Oh please, we won't let you die. I'm not a murderer. I'm looking for justice. You will have a fair trial and be executed after that.
Tyrion: I'm not a murderer either. What kind of idiot would hire a common assassin and then give him his own blade?
Cat: Uhh.... But Littlefinger said...
Tyrion: -LITTLEFINGER? Oh, is that who told you I did this?
Cat: Why would he lie about a thing like this?
Tyrion: Shit, don't you know that lying is the only thing that Littlefinger actually does? All the time. You can only guess how many times he bragged about being the one to pop your cherry.
Cat: That's a lie!!!
Tyrion: Yeah, see what I mean?
Kurleket: You want me to cut this imp's throat, Lady Stark? An important character like me that will last a long time would be happy to do the deed!
Cat: No, let the idiot talk.
Tyrion is (obviously) happy about that. Maybe he's getting through to her. Maybe she's starting to see reason. Her eyes are beginning to show a little bit of doubt.
Tyrion: Tell me Cat, how exactly did Littlefinger say I got this dagger?
Cat: Well, he says it used to be HIS dagger but then you won it from him in a bet where the Knight of Flowers unseated your brother.
Tyrion: Oh wow, and you believed that? If Loras Tyrell won the match... and I won the bet... wouldn't that mean that I bet on Loras? That I bet for my brother to lose? My brother who is the only human being who has ever been kind to me and the only member of my family who doesn't despise me?
Cat: I... uhh... erm...
But she's interrupted when they hear a cry out from the woods.
Cat: Oh shit! It's the Mountain Clans! Everyone take up arms!
Tyrion: Me too! Give me and my men weapons!
Cat: You've got to be kidding.
Tyrion: Why else would you want my hands free and unshackled? For just a situation like this! These clansmen don't care about Lannister or Stark. They will kill us all. You need every man you can get. Both us, as well as your men who are guarding us.
Cat nods, and orders for Tyrion and his men to get weapons.
Bronn: Here you go, have this axe.
Tyrion: Dude, I don't know how to use an axe.
Bronn: Meh, whatever.
Everyone runs into the battle. Except for the singer Marillion who runs away, screaming like a little coward and hiding behind a log.
Tyrion: Dude, get away from here. This is my log.
Marillion: *pees himself*
Tyrion: Oh gross. Whatever, I might as well just go ahead now and die rather than hide back here with you. FOR CASTERLY ROCK!!!
He runs into battle and a horse rider comes immediately after him. Tyrion swings his axe and hits the horse in the neck. That's right... two horse decapitation chapters in a row! The horse and rider both come down, landing on Marillion.
Marillion: *craps himself*
The battle rages on. Tyrion stays mostly on the sidelines, and only occasionally comes in to slice some legs off a horse or kill a fallen foe on the ground. He even helps save Lady Catelyn from a group of attackers. In the end, they are victorious - but his man Jyck get killed. Mohor is dead too. And also he sees this happen:
Kurleket: I am an important character! I will go on to do great things- *gets head bashed in by mace*
Tyrion: Ooh, a free dagger!
He takes the dagger from Kurleket's dead body. Because who passes up a free dagger? Nobody, that's who.
Tyrion: We only lost three people. That was pretty good.
Bronn: Was that your first battle, Imp?
Tyiron: Yep.
Bronn: You know what a man needs after having been blooded for the first time? A woman, that's what!
Tyrion: Well, I'm up for it if Cat is.
Cat: Choke on a bag of dicks, Lannister.
Tyrion: Aww, just kidding! And I thought we were having a moment. I saved you in that battle and everything.
Cat: I'm still taking you to the Eyrie to be put to death, so I suppose not.
Willis Wode: Come now, m'lady. We must be on our way. Surely there will be more attackers soon.
Cat: No! We must stop to bury the dead and pay our respects. Or at least place some rocks on top of them so their bodies don't get eaten by Shadowcats.
Bronn: Yeah, have fun doing that. As for myself and Chiggen... we'll be on our way to do more useful things. Like continue breathing.
Rodrick: As much as I hate to agree with the sell sword, Lady Stark, he's right. We need to keep going.
And so they head out. Tyrion laughs at Marillion who has a bunch of broken ribs and looks like he got messed up. He's less happy that Marillion somehow wound up with one of the clansmen's sweet ass Shadowcat-skin cloaks.
And speaking of Shadowcats, in the distance as they ride away... Tyrion hears the sounds of the Shadowcats already eating the dead. It's HARDCORE. Shit he will have nightmares about forever. He tries to take his mind off that.
Tyrion: Anyway... to complete the story we were talking about before this attack happened, Cat, there is one huge flaw in Littlefinger's story. I would never bet against my family!
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