AGoT 35: Eddard IX

Ned finds Littlefinger in Chataya's brothel, which is (not surprisingly) run by someone named "Chataya." 

Littlefinger: Haha, so you having a good time here, Ned? Hey! Since the Hand of the King speaks with the mouth of the king, writes with the hand of the king, hears with the ears of the king, does that also mean that he fucks with the di--

*SLAP*

Ned: Really tired of your shit, Baelish.  I'm not the Hand any more and you're gross. I'm done here anyway. Bye. Come on, men. To the horses!

Ned rounds up all his Stark swords and they head out on the rainy road. Littlefinger rides with them. 

As they ride, Ned thinks about his sister, Lyanna. She complained about being betrothed to Robert since he never kept one bed. Ned assured her that once Robert was married he would settle down. But Lyanna said that you couldn't change the nature of a man.  The issue was especially relevant now because the reason why he visited the brothel was to see a young bastard of the king. FLASHBACK to like three minutes ago  time! 

Ned: So, this little kid here your bastard from sleeping with the King?  

Unnamed Ho: Yes, I named her Barra.  Don't worry about my name though. 

Ned: Yeah. I can tell she's his. She looks like him. Has his black hair and everything.  In fact, the girl looks a bit like I remember what Mya Stone looked like back in the day. That was Robert's first kid. Wonder what she's up to these days. 

Ned writes this all down in his CSI notebook.  It's starting to get hella full. 

Unnamed Ho: Get it? Barra? As in Baratheon? Because it's the King's kid! 

Ned: YES, I GET IT. Geez, does anyone here at all try to be subtle about anything?  

Unnamed Ho: Robert loves me so much! We had the best time together! He said he'd be back to see me again and again. He said he'd check up on Barra all the time too because he loves me and our little baby together sooooo much.  He hasn't come though. He must be super duper busy with King stuff. But I know when he gets the time he'll visit. He'll probably even divorce his wife and marry me because we're in love.  

Ned: Jesus, you are stupid.  

Unnamed Ho: Who is "Jesus?"  

Ned: Uhhh... I meant to say, "By the seven hells!" or something like that.

Back to the riding now...

Ned: So, what else do you know about Robert's many bastards, Baelish?

Littlefinger: Nobody even knows how many there are. Everyone knows a few. Edric Storm being the most famous. It's said Robert had a pair of twins with one the serving maids at Casterly Rock that Cersei had killed.

Ned: Man, I don't know about that. Cersei is a petty bitch... but petty enough to go around murdering all of Robert's bastards? Seems unlikely.

Littlefinger: *shrugs*

Ned: So... now I know what Jon Arryn was investigating before he died. All of Robert's bastards. But why? WHY?

Littlefinger: I don't know. Maybe Robert asked him to look into them all.

Ned: No, there must be something more than that. He was killed for looking into all these bastards!

Littlefinger: You really think he was killed because he was investigating the king's bastards? Wow... imagine that! He was killed to prevent the shocking headline news investigation that revealed that the king had bastard children? Next up, the King's Landing Times-Picayune will also release hard hitting and shocking stories like "Sun rises in East" and "Sky is Blue." Hahahaha, COME ON, NED! Everybody knew the king was sleeping around and having kids. That's not a story. Nobody would kill Jon Arryn about that.

Ned: Then WHY? WHY?!

Ned thinks about bastards some more. He wonders if Rhaegar would visit a brothel to have bastards. He figures probably not. 

But as he ponders that, suddenly the riding group is surrounded by 20 Lannister soldiers, led by Ser Jamie Lannister himmself. 

Jaime: Where is my brother, asshole?

Ned: The Imp? Cat arrested him for his crimes.

Jaime: That's not really an answer to the "where" question though.

Jaime unsheathes his sword. 

Littlefinger: You know what? I think I left the oven on. I need to get out of here. But I'll call the City Watch or something. Bye!

Baelish's horse gallops away at lightning speed.

Stark's men draw their swords, but Ned only has with him Jory and some dudes named Heward and Wyl. Don't get too attached. 

Ned: Four on twenty? Kind of a bitch move if you fight us. Aren't you supposed to be honorable or something?

Jaime: Not really.

Ned: If you attack me, I have orders for Cat to cut Tyrion's throat.

Jaime: Hrm. Good point. So I won't attack YOU. I'll just do this.

Jaime snaps his fingers and his men attack. Heward and Wyl are instantly killed. Ned and Jory then start fighting back. But it's no good. Jory is cut down too...

Jory Cassel: AGHHH! I'm dying! And just as I was risking the chance of becoming an interesting character!

And Ned's horse falls on top of him. Ned can feel his leg crack under him and passes out in pain. 

He wakes up some minutes later, pulling himself through the rain and mud to Jory's body. 

Ned: Noooooo!!!!!! JORY!

Littlefinger and the City Watch arrive to find Ned cradling Jory's corpse. 

Littlefinger: Quickly, get this man back to the Tower of the Hand!

And so they pick up Ned and take him away. He fades in and out of consciousness all the way there. He opens his eyes to see himself in his bed, with Grand Maester Pycelle looking after him. 

Pycelle: Now Ned, we'll get you milk of the poppy to make you feel better. And how about some nice sweet milk too? Yes, delicious sweet milk that I'll force down your throat because I know you'll enjoy it because it's so good.

Ned: AGHH! NO MORE FUCKING DISGUSTING SWEET MILK!

But then the opium kicks in and he goes out cold.