We begin in media res, yet again...
Ned: What? So you want to kill this little girl?
Robert: Of course I do, she's a damn Targaryen! They must all die!
Ned: But she's a little girl on another continent! Her kid isn't even born yet. She might miscarry or it could die in infancy. Or it could be a girl! Girls can't rule. How crazy would that be? Besides, the woman's army of Dothraki don't cross water, so they are no threat.
Renly: *yawn* It was wrong to even let the girl live this long. I agree with the others, let's kill her. Being merciful to her was a mistake.
Ned: Mercy is never a mistake! Remember the Battle of the Trident? Barristan Selmy here fought on the "wrong" side, but we let him live. This girl Daenerys is 14 years old. If we go around killing 14 year old girls -- then do we really even deserve to rule? Isn't that kind of shit exactly why we killed the Mad King in the first place? I can't believe that the man who once fearlessly fought Rhaegar Targaryen in battle is now afraid of the shadow of the unborn baby of a little girl a on a continent far away.
Robert: Oh, that's fucking it, Ned. You know we used to be bros, so I let you have some leeway. But now you're being a dick. The Targaryens must be wiped out. Let's put it to a vote. Everyone on this Council who is a giant pussy that wants the girl to live, raise your hand.
Ned and Barristan raise there hands.
Robert: Okay, now everyone who is cool, doesn't want to be executed, and wants to kill the girl... raise your hand.
Everyone else raises their hands. It's a LOT more people.
Robert: Well, I think that's settled. Now we talk the method of execution. Does anyone have some hilarious ACME anvil we can drop on her head or something?
Renly: Perhaps our spy Jorah Mormont may be of use in carrying out this assassination. That dude wants a pardon like crazy.
Ned: WHAT?! I was the one who banished him in the first place. HE SOLD SLAVES.
Varys: A fine suggestion, Renly. But I think Mormont knows what the Dothraki will do to him if they find out he is involved. Let's make it more subtle. Let's kill her with poison like the Tears of Lys. It will look like a natural death.
Pycelle: Huh? What? Sorry, I just fell asleep and woke up when I heard someone mention the Tears of Lys. This way it makes me look super interested in that poison, as if I have something to hide about it. Which is just bullshit to throw off the reader.
Robert: No poison! That is a coward's weapon!
Ned: Interesting you accusing others of cowardice. Here you are ordering a little girl to die and you won't even do it yourself. In the North we roll hard and the person who passes the sentence is also the executioner. *pounds chest* In the North, we are honorable. I'm not participating in this shit any more. I'm done.
Robert: You know, I can't believe that shit which you just said TO MY FACE in front of all these people here. Me. The King. King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men. Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. Protector of the Realm. You are the Hand of the King, which means you will do what the King says or I will find another Hand who will.
Ned: Great! Request granted.
Ned grabs his Hand of the King badge and unpins it from his shirt. He acts like he's going to put it in Robert's hand but then drops that shit on the floor like a mic and walks out.
Robert: OH SHIT. OH SHIT. We are fucking done, professionally. If I see you again I will put your head on a spike. And I'm not kidding about that. It won't be some reused prop of a George W Bush head on a spike. It will be yours.
As Ned walks out, he hears them still negotiating over how to kill the little girl.
Pycelle: Let's hire those Faceless Men from Braavos to do it. They can really get a job done.
Littlefinger: The hell with that! You know how much those guys cost? You could get an army of sellswords for half the price.
Ned finally gets back to the Tower of the Hand and summons Vayon Poole.
Ned: Vayon, get all our shit together so that we can head back to Winterfell. I'm not sticking around this damn town anymore. Robert says he's going to cut my head off over a little argument. I can only imagine what he'll do when he finds out that my wife has kidnapped his wife's brother. Which Yoren told me about, by the way. That happened in-between chapters and is one of those things he told me after I kicked Arya out.
Vayon: Very well, ser.
Ned: Man, I'll be glad to be out of here and back home with my sons. Although I imagine this Kingdom will fall apart without me. Or stupid-ass Robert will just sell it all to the Lannisters. And that's not to mention the murder of Jon Arryn. I wonder if Robert WAS INVOLVED after all. And in trying to kill my son too with this dagger. I would have never thought so before. But he's willing to execute that little girl. Don't care though... not anymore. Now I only care about the best way to get home. Kingsroad? Take a ship?
There is a knock at the door and guess who busts in.
Ned: Oh, please PLEASE PLEASE don't be Littlef--
Littlefinger: --HEYYYY NED, it's me!
Ned: Damnit. What do you want, Baelish?
Littlefinger: Just giving you an update. I managed to get the king to agree to putting a bounty out on the Targaryen girl rather than hiring the Faceless Men.
Ned: Don't care. I'm not the Hand anymore. I said I wanted no part in this.
Littlefinger: Don't you see? I was doing you a favor! I'm really on your side. But my way I make the King seem like I was on his side. I don't think that an innocent girl should be killed. If we had hired the Faceless Men she'd definitely die. Those guys NEVER fail. But idiot sellswords? Those guys are incompetent and they'll never get the job done with all those Dothraki protecting her. Oh, she'll die sure enough.. of old age!!!
Ned: Whatever. You want a cookie or something? Pat on the back? A sloppy BJ? You want me to applaud you or thank you or tell you know clever you are? You're just a wheel-dealing bitch who tries to have it both ways. You ACTUALLY want me to believe that you're trying to defend that girl? That's such bullshit. I've had enough politics. I'm getting out of this town and I'm doing it right now.
Littlefinger: Oh, I suggest you stay at least one more night. Tonight I'd like to take you out to a brothel.
Ned: Dammit Littlefinger, how many times do I tell you I don't want scabies? I love my wife and have no desire for it to burn when I pee.
Littlefinger: No, my dear Ned. This is a very particular brothel. In fact, it's the one you and Jory Cassel have been so incompetently looking for.
Ned: What? So you want to kill this little girl?
Robert: Of course I do, she's a damn Targaryen! They must all die!
Ned: But she's a little girl on another continent! Her kid isn't even born yet. She might miscarry or it could die in infancy. Or it could be a girl! Girls can't rule. How crazy would that be? Besides, the woman's army of Dothraki don't cross water, so they are no threat.
Renly: *yawn* It was wrong to even let the girl live this long. I agree with the others, let's kill her. Being merciful to her was a mistake.
Ned: Mercy is never a mistake! Remember the Battle of the Trident? Barristan Selmy here fought on the "wrong" side, but we let him live. This girl Daenerys is 14 years old. If we go around killing 14 year old girls -- then do we really even deserve to rule? Isn't that kind of shit exactly why we killed the Mad King in the first place? I can't believe that the man who once fearlessly fought Rhaegar Targaryen in battle is now afraid of the shadow of the unborn baby of a little girl a on a continent far away.
Robert: Oh, that's fucking it, Ned. You know we used to be bros, so I let you have some leeway. But now you're being a dick. The Targaryens must be wiped out. Let's put it to a vote. Everyone on this Council who is a giant pussy that wants the girl to live, raise your hand.
Ned and Barristan raise there hands.
Robert: Okay, now everyone who is cool, doesn't want to be executed, and wants to kill the girl... raise your hand.
Everyone else raises their hands. It's a LOT more people.
Robert: Well, I think that's settled. Now we talk the method of execution. Does anyone have some hilarious ACME anvil we can drop on her head or something?
Renly: Perhaps our spy Jorah Mormont may be of use in carrying out this assassination. That dude wants a pardon like crazy.
Ned: WHAT?! I was the one who banished him in the first place. HE SOLD SLAVES.
Varys: A fine suggestion, Renly. But I think Mormont knows what the Dothraki will do to him if they find out he is involved. Let's make it more subtle. Let's kill her with poison like the Tears of Lys. It will look like a natural death.
Pycelle: Huh? What? Sorry, I just fell asleep and woke up when I heard someone mention the Tears of Lys. This way it makes me look super interested in that poison, as if I have something to hide about it. Which is just bullshit to throw off the reader.
Robert: No poison! That is a coward's weapon!
Ned: Interesting you accusing others of cowardice. Here you are ordering a little girl to die and you won't even do it yourself. In the North we roll hard and the person who passes the sentence is also the executioner. *pounds chest* In the North, we are honorable. I'm not participating in this shit any more. I'm done.
Robert: You know, I can't believe that shit which you just said TO MY FACE in front of all these people here. Me. The King. King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men. Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. Protector of the Realm. You are the Hand of the King, which means you will do what the King says or I will find another Hand who will.
Ned: Great! Request granted.
Ned grabs his Hand of the King badge and unpins it from his shirt. He acts like he's going to put it in Robert's hand but then drops that shit on the floor like a mic and walks out.
Robert: OH SHIT. OH SHIT. We are fucking done, professionally. If I see you again I will put your head on a spike. And I'm not kidding about that. It won't be some reused prop of a George W Bush head on a spike. It will be yours.
As Ned walks out, he hears them still negotiating over how to kill the little girl.
Pycelle: Let's hire those Faceless Men from Braavos to do it. They can really get a job done.
Littlefinger: The hell with that! You know how much those guys cost? You could get an army of sellswords for half the price.
Ned finally gets back to the Tower of the Hand and summons Vayon Poole.
Ned: Vayon, get all our shit together so that we can head back to Winterfell. I'm not sticking around this damn town anymore. Robert says he's going to cut my head off over a little argument. I can only imagine what he'll do when he finds out that my wife has kidnapped his wife's brother. Which Yoren told me about, by the way. That happened in-between chapters and is one of those things he told me after I kicked Arya out.
Vayon: Very well, ser.
Ned: Man, I'll be glad to be out of here and back home with my sons. Although I imagine this Kingdom will fall apart without me. Or stupid-ass Robert will just sell it all to the Lannisters. And that's not to mention the murder of Jon Arryn. I wonder if Robert WAS INVOLVED after all. And in trying to kill my son too with this dagger. I would have never thought so before. But he's willing to execute that little girl. Don't care though... not anymore. Now I only care about the best way to get home. Kingsroad? Take a ship?
There is a knock at the door and guess who busts in.
Ned: Oh, please PLEASE PLEASE don't be Littlef--
Littlefinger: --HEYYYY NED, it's me!
Ned: Damnit. What do you want, Baelish?
Littlefinger: Just giving you an update. I managed to get the king to agree to putting a bounty out on the Targaryen girl rather than hiring the Faceless Men.
Ned: Don't care. I'm not the Hand anymore. I said I wanted no part in this.
Littlefinger: Don't you see? I was doing you a favor! I'm really on your side. But my way I make the King seem like I was on his side. I don't think that an innocent girl should be killed. If we had hired the Faceless Men she'd definitely die. Those guys NEVER fail. But idiot sellswords? Those guys are incompetent and they'll never get the job done with all those Dothraki protecting her. Oh, she'll die sure enough.. of old age!!!
Ned: Whatever. You want a cookie or something? Pat on the back? A sloppy BJ? You want me to applaud you or thank you or tell you know clever you are? You're just a wheel-dealing bitch who tries to have it both ways. You ACTUALLY want me to believe that you're trying to defend that girl? That's such bullshit. I've had enough politics. I'm getting out of this town and I'm doing it right now.
Littlefinger: Oh, I suggest you stay at least one more night. Tonight I'd like to take you out to a brothel.
Ned: Dammit Littlefinger, how many times do I tell you I don't want scabies? I love my wife and have no desire for it to burn when I pee.
Littlefinger: No, my dear Ned. This is a very particular brothel. In fact, it's the one you and Jory Cassel have been so incompetently looking for.
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