ADwD 41: The Turncloak (Theon V)

It’s snowing outside of Winterfell. Pretty hard.

Roose Bolton: OMG, this is awesome. Stannis’s army is on the march and the snows are going down faster than Instagram influencers on Hollywood producers. This blizzard is going to destroy his army. Niiiice.

Just as Theon/Reek predicted, Roose has forgotten all about any commitments he made to him before the wedding of Ramsay and “Arya” / Jeyne Poole.  He’s now gone back to fully being Ramsay’s plaything, and is back to being much more Reek again than Theon.

Reek: Maybe I should run. But where would I go?

Reek thinks about Jeyne. She practically has not left her chambers since the wedding night, and every time that Reek sees her, she has more bruises on her.

Reek: It’s probably her fault. She’s not making Ramsay happy. She’s bringing it on herself.

Roose: Are you quoting the Republican Party platform?

Reek: We sure do seem to be getting political a lot recently.

Maybe Theon would help Jeyne get out of her horrible situation. But he’s not Theon anymore. He’s Reek.

Reek: Besides, Ramsay is so obsessed with Jeyne as his new toy, that he’s sort of forgotten about beating and mutilating me. Once he gets tired of her, he’ll be back to me. So in a messed up way, her abuse actually helps me out.

Later at breakfast…

Lord Manderly: What is this for breakfast? Porridge? Gross. I’d rather have some pie. Is there any of that leftover Frey pie for me to eat?

Whoresbane Umber: Did you say FREY pie?

Lord Manderly: No! NO! You misheard. I said “eel” pie. Yeessss. Eeel.

The singer Abel then shows up again.

Abel: Who want’s to hear a song? Okay! Here it goes! ♫ Oh… there once was a man named Ramsay Bolton who forced brutal rapes upon Arya Stark and tortued her… and that lasted for quite a while until someone pulled out a knife and stabbed him and murdered him!!!! Ohhhh!!!! ♫

Reek: HOLY SHIT. This insane singer is going to get himself flayed!

But he looks over and sees the Boltons laughing at the song. Once those two laugh, others join in as well.

Reek: Uhh. What just happened?

Not long after, Theon runs into one of Abel’s groupies.

Groupie: Oh HEY Theon! Why do you always look so sad. Why don’t you give me a smile?

Reek: Leave me alone, hooker. I don’t have any money to pay you for sex.

Groupie: How dare you assume I’m a hooker!  Maybe I just want to be your friend.

Reek: Go away.

Groupie: So… Theon… tell me the story about how you captured Winterfell. I bet Abel could make a beautiful song about it.

Reek: No.

Groupie: COME ON. What you did was awesome! It took like an entire army for the Boltons to possess Winterfell. Stannis is sending an army too. You conquered Wintefell with just afew men. I bet people will be singing the song for centuries! Abel just needs some details about how it happened. Were secret passages involved? Tell me everything you might know about any secret passages in and out of Wintefell.

Reek is paranoid. This is obviously some trick. Some trap. Ramsay wants him to betray him so that he can be punished. Reek won’t fall for it. He runs away.

He passes by a bunch of soldiers in the bailey, making snow men.

Soldier: ♫ DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN?!

Other Soldier: Ugh, you’re such a loser, Gary.

Reek: This is a shit load of Beamed Eigth Notes in this chapter. 

Reek eventually finds himself in the godswood, looking at the snow and thinking how impossible Stannis’s plan is.

Reek: Oh, that idiot is going to fail. I used subterfuge and trickery to take over Winterfell. Having an army try to smash at the walls will never work. Stannis, if he can ever get through this snow, is going to be stopped by these walls.

He kneels down to the wierwood trees to pray. It’s ironic, because this northern religion of the old gods isn’t even his religion. But then again, the drowned god never really brought him good luck either.

As he kneels, he hears faint sobbing. Is it Jeyne in the distance, crying from up in her room? Or is it the ghosts of Wintefell? 

Later, Reek winds up back in one of the halls of Winterfell, where he runs into Lady Dustin.

Lady Dustin: Theon! There you are.

Reek: There sure is a lot of Lady Dustin in this novel recently. Even more than Beamed Eighth Notes. Why the hell is Lady Dustin suddenly such an important character now?

Lady Dustin: Theon, you know how to get into the crypts, right?

Reek: The crypts? Those places are creepy as hell. Why would you want to go there?

Lady Dustin: To pay my respects.

Reek: I thought you said something once about hating all the Starks. Hence why you’re such a bitter old cunt that supports Lord Bolton.

Lady Dustin: True. Show me the crypts anyway.

So Reek leads her to the place which is one of the secret entrances to the crypts. It’s not far from the Tower where Bran fell. Reek remmbers it. Or is it Theon who remmbers it? He’s forgetting who that was. It was Theon the Turncloack who used to explore those crypts with Robb and the other Stark kids. He’s not that guy. He’s Reek.

Reek: Reek. It rhymes with “Quebec Nordique.”

The passage is totally covered by several feet of snow, and so Lady Dustin’s men have to dig the snow away. Reek is finally able to open the door and they go in.

Lady Dustin: Ah, finally a quiet place where we can talk. So how about hat Arya, huh? She does nothing but cry and cry and cry. So annoying. But you know what it’s doing? It’s upsetting all of the Northmen who used to be loyal to the Starks. If Ramsay wants to remain the Lord of Winterfell, he better learn how to make Arya happy.

Reek: Y-yes Lady Dustin. Whatever you say.

Lady Dustin: Now where is Ned Stark’s tomb?

Reek: Over this way.

He leads her that way. As they pass by…

Lady Dustin: Hey, this tomb is missing its sword.

Reek: Hrm. So it is. The same with the tombs over here. I wonder what happened to these swords.

I have no clue. Finally, they get there to Ned’s tomb and she spits on it. 

Reek: Why do you hate the Starks?

Lady Dustin: That seems like a question you should ask yourself.

Reek: Huh?

Lady Dustin: Oh come on. You betrayed King Robb. You captured Winterfell and killed Ned’s two younger boys. Why? Why did you hate them so?

Reek: I… I… I wanted to be one of them. But I couldn’t.

Lady Dustin: You and me have more in common than you think. That’s the same reason I hate them.

Reek: Well, I don’t really care about your charcater at all, but I assume you’re going to go on a monologue about your life and tell me anyw—

Lady Dustin: —It all started years ago. Oh, I wasn’t always Lady Barbrey Dustin of Barrowton. No. I was just a little girl, Barbrey Ryswell, the daughter of Lord Rodrick Ryswell of Rills. We were never the most important family in the north, but we are an old family and a proud one, descended from the first men. We submitted to the Starks as our Lords long ago. We’ve even married into them a few times before. Jonnel Stark married Robyn Ryswell, for instance. My father hoped to make that happen again. My older sister, Bethany… she married Roose Bolton. As for me, my father hoped to marry me to Brandon Stark, Ned’s brother and the heir to Lord Rickard. But my father wasn’t the only one who wanted it. I wanted it. Badly. I grew up with him. He had fostered at Barrowtown, with Lord Dustin. Brandon. Now that was a swordsman. He was much better than Ned. He took my maidenhead when I was a girl. I thought we’d marry. But those damn maesters… stupid greybeards. They came along and recommended a “better” match for Brandon. Catelyn Tully. That southern ginger whore! Oh, how I despised her. Still, my father had not given up on his hopes for us to marry into the Starks, and he then tried to set me up with Ned instead. You know how it goes from there. Lyanna was abducted by Rhaegar. Lord Rickard and Brandon were murdered by the Mad King. Then Catelyn got Ned instead of me getting him. That left me only William Dustin to marry.  And not long after I married him, he rode off to war with Ned and Robert Baratheon. I told him not to. But did he listen? No. And there he was… at the Tower of Joy. He was killed defending Ned, and I lost my husband. Ned brought the corpse of his dear sister Lyanna back. He brought that bastard boy of his back. He even brought back my husband’s horse. But did he bring back the body of my husband? No. He left it there. Down in Dorne. In the south. Not here where he belongs. But look over there. That’s where Lyanna lays, confortably at rest in a tomb. Ned never gave that honor to my husband. He took him away from me. HE TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME!!!!

Reek: ZZZzzzZZzzz.

Lady Dustin: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Reek: S-sorry, my lady. I was. Uhh… paying attention. I swear.

Lady Dustin: Well, I will repay that favor to Ned that he did for my husband. His bones will NEVER lay here.

Reek: What? Have Ned’s bones STILL not made it back to Winterfell yet? There was that chapter like two or three books ago with Ned’s bones in Riverrun and Lady Cat sending them back.

Lady Dustin: They made it as far as Moat Cailin before the war broke out and your Ironborn prevented them from going further. Since then, the bones have gone in hiding. But I swear with every last breath… I WILL NEVER ALLOW THE BONES TO RETURN HERE! NEVER! I WILL FIND THOSE BONES AND GIVE THEM TO MY DOGS TO CHEW ON!

Reek: Talk about a bitter cunt.

Lady Dustin: Whatever, Turncoat asshole. You would do well to NEVER speak of what I said down here.

Reek: Speak of what? You never said anything, my Lady.

Lady Dustin: Good. Good. Roose has trained you well.

Reek: Roose? Oh no, this psychological trauma is almost entirely the work of Ramsay. You have no idea the debts of self-hatred I have brewing inside of me.

Lady Dustin: Nobody cares.

Reek: No, what nobody cares about are the motives for a minor character who is a widow from an obscure northern house and her motivations for resenting the Starks because she was obsessed with and Single White Female-ing a Stark from nearly two decades ago who popped her cherry for fun but probably never really loved her.

Lady Dustin: Ouch. You know words can hurt. Not as much as having your skin flayed off piece by piece, but still.

ADwD 40: Tyrion IX

Tyrion has finally given in to Sharkleberry Fin’s constant requests for him to ride him and perform all sorts of stunts and tricks to entertain the crew of the PERFUMED SENESCHAL ship. Morale has been low as they’ve crossing the sea and have had no wind at all. Which has prevented much movement and brought their voyage to a grinding halt.

Anyway, the crew seems to be mildly amused by their antics.

Sharkleberry Fin jumps out of the water with Tyrion on his back.

Sharkleberry Fin: TASTES SO HIP…

Tyrion: It’ll make you FLIP!

The pink, shades-wearing shark does a bunch of backflips while levitating in the middle of the air, before splashing back into the sea. The sea suddenly turns into a pink Kool-Aid flavor that gets into everyone’s mouth.

Crewman: Mmm. Tates… sort of like… fruit… kind of.

Other Crewman: Yeah. Mainly tastes like chemicals and sugar. But yeah. Fruit-like chemicals.

Sharkleberry Fin: I prefer the term “artificial flavors.” It sounds much better than “chemicals.” Any time someone says “chemicals” it’s MAKO-ing me CRAZY!

Crewman: That pun was a stretch.

Tyrion: I agree. Not that good at all.

Other Crewman: Still better than any shit like jousting on pigs with another dwarf though. So carry on, pink shark.

Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!

Jorah: This is disgraceful, Tyrion. Don’t think that doing these little shows with the shark will make Dany like you any more. She’ll still make you answer for your crimes.

Tyrion: Oh, and how do you think she’ll treat YOU?

Jorah: Huh?

Tyrion: Do you really think I believe that you’re on good terms with your beloved queen? It seems to me like I ran into you while you were in EXILE away from her. Obviously she figured out about you and your spying for Varys and King Robert back in the day. Or else you’d still be with her now. Not in a whorehouse. You REALLY think that bringing me to her will win you some sort of award? That she’ll let you back into her company? If you ask me, it’s more likely she’ll execute YOU for coming back. Not me.

Jorah: Shut up.

Tyrion: And who knows what she’ll say after I tell her that I found a silver-haired whore that looked just like her sitting in your lap.  You obviously have some stuff to work out, Jorah.

Jorah: Oh for fuck’s sake, I can’t listen to any more of this.

Jorah pistol-whips Tyrion on the back of the head, and Tyrion passes out for several hours.

When he eventually wakes up, with a knot on his head…

Tyrion: Ow! What the hell? How did that dude pistol whip me? Pistols haven’t even been invented yet.

Sharkleberry Fin: What about a SHARK-uebus?

Tyrion: Say what now?

Sharkleberry Fin: Sorry, it was meant to be a pun on “arquebus.” It’s a forerunner of the modern rifle. Maybe the closest thing to a gun that this time period might have.

Tyrion: Hrm. Well since this “time period” is a fictional universe, it’s hard to say. It is loosely based on the War of the Roses, the 15th century English conflict. The arquebus also appeared in Europe in the 15th Century, which would mean that the same sort of Late Middle Age society in which this fictional society is inspired by would also have been at least contemporary to use of early firearms in war. Still, I don’t feel like any form of guns have ever been mentioned in this series. And we already have dragons and shit, so why also have guns?

Sharkleberry Fin: Hey, why did Jorah hit you anyway? That was not FIN-tastic at all.

Tyrion: Why did he hit me? For love.

Sharkleberry Fin: Huh?

Tyrion: Don’t worry about it. Never fall in love, Sharkleberry Fin. Love is madness.

Sharkleberry Fin: But I’m already in love! With the taste of my delicious Kool-Aid flavor!

Tyrion: Ugh. Why do I bother?  

But after a long time with no wind, finally the winds to pick up.

Tyrion: Well that’s good, right?

Moqorro: Not really. Look at that.

He points to a HUGE storm in the distance.

Tyrion: Yikes, those clouds are blacker than you, Moqorro.

Moqorro: Dude, if I were not a holy man I would punch the shit out of your racist dwarf ass right now.

Tyrion: Sorry. It’s how I was raised. I’ll try to do better.  Anyway, I guess this is what the Widow meant when she said we’d never reach Qarth, huh? This storm will divert all ships and we’ll have to sail to Meereen instead.

Moqorro: Really? HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. I can’t believe you actually keep telling yourself that.

The storm comes to them. It’s terrible. It last for hours and hours. Below deck, everyone is sick and vomiting everywhere. Tyrion closes his eyes for a minute. When he opens them again, Sharkleberry Fin is right at his face.

Tyrion: AGH!!! What the hell, dude? Are you trying to kiss me? Sorry, shark. I’m not into you that way. I’m… ermm… married, to my dear wife Sansa. I could never betray her.

Sharkleberry Fin: WHAT?! Kiss? No! I was trying to eat you. But you caught me.

Tyrion: Why the hell would you try to eat me?! I thought we were bros now!

Sharkleberry Fin: Yeah right. That’s what I thought too. But then one of these crew members said that you were my “chum.”

Tyrion: …

Sharkleberry Fin: …

Tyrion: …

Sharkleberry Fin: …

Storm: *destroys half of the ship*

Tyrion: You did that whole thing just to set up that lame chum pun?

Sharkleberry Fin: It wasn’t a LAME pun. It was a FIN-TASTIC pun!

Suddenly the storm stops.

Tyrion: Oh, we must be in the eye of the storm now, where it’s calm. I better go above deck and run away from all these damn puns.

Tyrion goes up. The storm immediately comes back.

Tyrion: Well that was stupid. But then again, that's how an eye of a storm works.

The mast of the ship is broken apart by the winds. Thousands of huge splinters shoot out in every direction, impaling or seriously wounding almost everyone, Tyrion included.

Tyrion: OWWWW!!! What the hell? I’ve already had part of my ear cut off… my nose cut off… just how many damn horrific, permanent injuries is GRRM going to give me before this book series is done? I can’t possible see how I’ll make it through two more of these damn books.

Moqorro: Well, at least you weren't swept away by a random gust of wind.

The priest is then swept away by a random gust of wind into the ocean. 

Sharkleberry Finn: Oh. He dead.

Tyrion: Well, at least I don’t have to listen to him preach anymore. He had a prophecy about this whole thing, huh? He knew the storm was coming? Dumbass. Well, you know what they say. Prophecy is like ordering an inexperienced dominatrix. Sure, it costs less and you’ll save some gold… until you choke to death because she doesn’t understand the concept of a safe word.

Jorah: Who are “they” that says that? Literally NOBODY says that, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Whatever.

Jorah: Besides, you're messing up a great book line about not being able to trust prophecy, which is a really good line which will probably pay off later in the series when all these prophesies don't pan out. Like the Valonqar. Azor Ahai. All that.

Tyrion: Anyway, it’s not like Moqorro was an important character that we needed in order to successfully navigate to Meereen.

Ship Captain: Hey, do any of you feel a sudden breeze?

The Ship Captain is then swept away by a random gust of wind into the oceann.

Tyrion: Well hell. That guy we DID need to successfully navigate to Meereen.

The almost totally wrecked ship, with no sails, drifts aimlessly at sea for several days.

Sharkleberry Fin: Dude, you know you could just jump on my back and I can swim you over to Meereen, right?

Tyrion: CRAP! Why didn’t you tell me that days ago? Well come on, lets get going!

But just as Tyrion tries to mount the pink shark, another ship emerges from the horizon and approaches them.

Tyrion: Oh wait! Maybe that ship will save us! Jorah. Can you see what ship that is? Does it have a name on it?

Jorah: I can’t see a name, but I can smell what the ship is. It’s a slave ship.

Tyrion: What? How can you tell a slave ship just by the smell? That’s crazy talk. Surely it could be something else like—

Sailor from Other Ship: —OH HEY LOOK! IT’S JORAH MORMONT!

Tyrion: Oh wow! What a coincidence! How would guys from another ship randomly know Jor— oh wait. Jorah used to sell slaves. Shit. It’s a slave ship. Well why not? Every other possible terrible thing has happened to me. Guess it’s time to be sold into slavery now.

Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!

Tyrion: NO! It’s REALLY NOT! Bad timing, shark. Bad timing.

Sharkleberry Fin: Sorry. GILL-ty as charged.

ADwD 39: Jon VIII

Jon: Okay Val, bye.

Val: Wow, that’s an abrupt chapter start. What exactly is going on here?

Jon: I’m sending you north of the Wall to try to recruit Tormund Giantsbane. I’ll offer him a truce and shelter for him and his men if they some south. Protection from the Others and the Wights.

Val: Uhh, okay. It seems like Stannis already offered that and he refused before. But okay. Hanging around Castle Black is super lame anyway. I’ll try to be back by the next full moon.

Jon: Well shit, I’d have to start reading Bran chapters if I want to know what the moon phase in. Just come back. Or else Stannis will have my ass.

Val: Maybe. He doesn't seem that interested in women.

Jon: No, I mean he'll be angry with me. 

Val: If he even survives his assault on Winterfell to learn about it.

Jon: True dat.

Val: Hey… before I go. I just want to know… and you can be honest with me… did you kill Jarl? That was my man, you know.

Jon: No. I mean Yes. Yes I know he was your man. No, I did not kill him. He fell off the side of the Wall, climbing it. I swear.

Val: Okay. And make sure to keep Craster’s son away from the red woman. Mel knows, by the way. That you did the switcheroo.

Jon: No way. If she knew, she would have told Stannis.

Val: If you say so. Bye, Felicia.

Val rides out.

Jon heads back to his chambers to have dinner. He starts eating a sausage when one of Mormont’s ravens comes up and steals it.

Jon: Agh! You thief!

Raven: Caw! Eat a bag of dicks! Caw!

Not two seconds after settling down to eat, everyone in the Night’s Watch bursts into his private room is on his ass about various shit.

Bowen Marsh: Why the hell are you sending Dolorous Edd to and Iron Emmett to go off to that new Whore Castle? Why is Leathers the new Master at Arms? He was a damn Wildling and just took the black like a week ago!

Othell Yarwyck: Why do I not have enough builders to help me build shit?

Septon Cellador: Why is that damn boy whore Satin being appointed as your new squire?

Jon: Jesus, you guys are on me faster than this crow. Give me a goddamn minute to breath. Any of you need some food or anything?

Raven: Corn!

Jon: No, not you, asshole crow. And as for all your questions about the character of these people that I’m promoting… to hell with that. You all know what the Night’s Watch is. It’s made up of criminals and rapists. I can name 40 men here who have done worse things than Satin. Get off my ass about that. And you can’t complain about us not having enough men to do stuff like build when at the EXACT SAME TIME you give me shit for recruiting Wildlings. You know what the Wildlings are? THE ONLY DAMN PEOPLE LEFT TO RECRUIT. The motherfucking DEAD are RISING. I’m trying to make sure that the few remaining people who are alive stop fighting each other for stupid old reasons and work together so that the army of the dead doesn’t kill everyone.

Raven: Corn?

Bowen: Hey look, don’t shoot the messengers. We’re just speaking, ah, on behalf of “the men” of the Night’s Watch. These concerns are being voice by many. But since you bring up the dead… why the hell do you have those corpses in the dungeon? That’s some messed up stuff. That’s another thing “the men” are questioning.

Jon: In case they come back as Wights. They are the enemy, Bowen. And we know almost nothing about them or the Others. We must learn more if we hope to defeat them.

Bowen: Of course… there is the Val issue too.

Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I was waiting for this bullshit too. Yes, I sent Val off. So what? I sent her to try to get Tormund and his men to come south.

Bowen: Tormund? So now you want to bring THOUSANDS of more Wildling savages to this side of the wall? Rustlers, cut throats, murderes, bounty hunters, deperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwakers, hornswog—

Jon: —Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Methodists. I get it. Nice Blazing Saddles reference, but like I said. Are they Wildlings? Yes. But they are ALIVE. We need every alive man that we can get to stand against the dead.

Bowen and the others are still clearly not happy about this though.

Jon: Look, have you heard about this crazy woods witch called Mother Mole? She apparently had this prophecy about a fleet of ships in the East that would bring the Free Folk to salvation. After Stannis’s attack on Mance’s army, apparently a ton of the Free Folk followed Mothers Mole… going east… to Hardhome.

Othell: Hardhome? That place is cursed. They’ll probably die there.

Jon: Aye, of starvation. Soon.

Bowen: Good riddance, I say. Best news I’ve heard all day.

Jon: HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU NOT LISTEN TO A WORD I SAID? BOWEN, YOU ARE PROBABLY THE DUMBEST SHIT HERE. THOUSANDS WILL DIE IF WE DO NOT SEND SHIPS TO SAVE THEM. THOUSANDS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WHEN THE WILDINGS ARE DEAD?

Raven: DEAD! DEAD! *squawk* Bowen Marsh is the dumbest shit. *squawk*

Jon: LET ME TELL YOU! They will come back as WIGHTS. Remember them? Super powerful and almost un-killable enemies. They want to murder us. They will rise by the hundreds. By the thousands. Black hands. Pale blue eyes. Is any of this ringing a fucking bell for you, Bowen?

Bowen: I… uhh… err…

Jon: Seriously, all three of you get the fuck out of my face with that amateur hour shit.

They rise to leave, and walk out stiffly.

Raven: Caw! They’re probably going to stab you for that. CAW!

Jon: And also corn?

Raven: Yes. Corn.

Jon: Ugh. I hate the Night's Watch. I hope I can leave it one day. Become king or something.

Raven: *squawk* They'll just send you back here in the end.

ADwD 38: The Watcher (Areo Hotah)

Areo Hotah (yeah… that’s right… we’re back in freakin’ Dorne again) watches as Ser Balon Swann of the Kingsguard arrives Sunspear.

Balon: Hey guys, I brought you this gift.

He puts a box on the table. It’s a big box and everyone looks at it. Areo, Prince Doran, Princess Arianne, and Oberyn’s mistress/widow – Ellaria Sand. Also there are the Sand Snakes – Nymeria, Obara and Tyene.  Aero isn’t quite sure why Prince Doran let them out at all. Aero doesn’t trust them. All they want to do is rebel and declare war on the Lannisters.

Doran: Go on, open it.

Balon opens the box. It is a giant skull.

Balon: The skull of Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane.

Tyene: Did he suffer?

Balon: Dark question. But yes. And you don’t have to take my word for it. You can pretty much ask anyone in the Red Keep and they’ll tell you stories about Gregor slowly dying, his screams echoing through the hallways for weeks.

Doran: Excellent. Prince Tommen has delivered on his promise for the head of the man who killed my dear sister Elia, all those years ago. A propose a toast! To King Tommen!

He holds up a glass and toasts. A number of other people join him.  Areo notices that exactly ZERO of the Sand Snakes joined in on the toast.

Doran: Now let the feast begin!

Thus begins a feast to honor the arrival of Balon Swann. Throughout the feast, the Mountain’s skull remains sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the hall.

It’s not the first feast that Balon has been treated to, as he suffered through dozens of them, as Prince Doran ordered him stopped at every town in Dorne to delay his final arrival here in Sunspear. Areo jealously looks at Princess Arianne gets all up on Balon.

Arianne: Hey cowboy. Wow, those sure are some big muscles you have.

Balon: Uh huh.

As Arianne is all over him, the next course of the feast comes out. It’s a bunch of sugar skulls.

Balon: Is this Día de Muertos or something?

Arianne: Hahaha, you’re so funny, Balon! Funny and cute! Yeah, we in Dorne have a pretty sick sense of humor.

She starts to rub the swan clasps that hold his cape onto his armor.

Arianne: I freaking love swans. I think they’re the cutest animals.

Balon: Uh, right. I mean they’re no peacocks or anything.

He politely nods and sips some wine.

Arianne backs off, sighing. Areo knows that Balon won’t be as easily seduced by her as that dumbass Arys Oakheart, his fellow Kingsguard, was.

Balon: Say, where is Arys anyway? I thought that I would—

Doran: —OH HEY BALON! Thanks for sending me that letter from Cersei. It was so nice of her to invite Myrcella and Trystane to come back up to Kings Landing, and for me to go up with them as well and take a seat on King Tommen’s small council. I’d love to go on the trip!

Balon: Oh great. Then pretty soon we can head out on our way and—

Doran: —But I’d prefer to go by sea rather than back by land like how you came here. You know how gout-ey I am these days. I’m not sure I’d be able to take that long, arduous land voyage with my current health.

Balon: Sea, Prince Doran? But isn’t the sea loaded with pirates and Ironborn raiders? Seems pretty dangerous. You would almost certainly die that way. No, you'll be much safer going with me by land.

Doran: Hrm. If you say so. I guess we can talk about it more later. At the Water Gardens! That’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you!

Balon: And Arys Oakheart?

Doran: Like I said, it’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you. You know who these Water Gardens were built for? A princess named Daenerys Targaryen!

Balon: Really? Daenerys?

Doran: Oh, not THIS Daenerys. Her namesake, the daughter of King Aegon IV and sister to Daeron II. She was betrothed to the Prince of Dorne, Maron Martell. That deal to marry her allowed Dorne to finally bend the knee and join the Seven Kingdoms, after years and years of resisting. Prince Maron had the Water Guardens built as a beautiful gift to her. There, their children played in the water and had fun. After a while, she wanted to change the policy so that all the children could play in the Water Gardens, even the children of servants and poor kids. It started a tradition that lasts to this day! Very egalitarian, no?

Balon: Uhh… sure?

Daron: Now if you’ll excuse me, this has been quite a feast and I need to head back to my chambers to rest.

He slowly picks himself up, and limps back to his room.  Areo joins him and helps him along. The Sand Snakes and immediate Martell family join as well. As they leave, Obara starts to quietly complain.

Obara: Ugh. You’re such a moron, uncle. You can’t be serious about sending Trystane away to King’s Landing – can you?

Doran: SHHH! Shut the fuck up until we’re safely back in my chambers, and we can have a private conversation. Dumb ass bitch.

Cut to them being back in Doran’s private chamber. It takes a while though. Doran is even slower than Wyman Manderly.  Areo guards the door. And listens.

Obara: Okay, so we’re all having a private convo now. What the hell are we going to do?

Tyene: The same thing Doran always does. Wait. Plot. DO NOTHING. Nobody does nothing better than Uncle Doran.

Arianne: SHHH! Show some fucking respect to my dad, you bitch ass ho.

Tyene: Oh please, like you haven’t agreed with me a thousand times about that.

Arianne helps her father sit down. His legs and feet are super swollen. Areo wants to cringe at how gross his Prince has become recently.

Meanwhile, Obara takes a look at the giant skull which has been brought back to the room with them.

Obara: So what did the Mountain look like? Are we sure this is his skull?

Nymeria: Yeah. How do we know that cunt Queen Cersei gave us the Gregor’s skull? Sure, everyone heard the Mountain screaming in pain. But nobody actually saw him die.

Tyene: Oh, trust me. The Mountain is dead. Our father’s poison is deadly… EVERY TIME! Thousands of people saw father’s poison-tipped spear hit the Mountain. If Oberyn cut The Mountain… then the Mountain died. Slowly and in agony. Just like everyone is saying.

The two other Sand Snakes nod their heads and agree. Their dad is awesome and he couldn’t have failed.

Obara: Well, with the Mountain dead, we now have vengeance for Elia. It’s a good start.

Ellaria: A good start? A good START? The Mountain killed Elia and Oberyn. Now he’s dead. If anyone ordered the Mountain to do it, it would have been Tywin Lannister. Now he’s dead. Joffrey Baratheon is now dead too. What do you mean “it’s a good start?” Who else needs to die? Tommen? Myrcella? Innocent children who had nothing to do with the sins of their grandfather? If this is  the start… then what exactly is the END? You girls are some sick fucks.

Nymeria: Really? In the TV show you’re more blood thirsty than all of the rest of us. It ends with Casterly Rock destroyed and every Lannister in the world dead.

Tyene: Yeah, Ser Gregor’s skull sure does look lonely. I bet he’d like some company.

Ellaria: I saw my beloved Oberyn die! How many more need to die to fulfill your bloodlust? The Lannisters could march on us and destroy us. I have four girls myself. Will they need to die too in the wars to come?

Obara: War is coming, no matter what. I’m just trying to say we need to be on the winning side. Tommen is a small, incompetent boy. The Lannisters have the Ironborn molesting them in the West and Stannis in the North. Our enemies are in disarray. NOW THE TIME IS RIPE!

Ellaria: RIPE? Ripe for what? More skulls?

Obara: I don’t think skulls grow on trees like fruit, but it would be awesome if they did.

Doran: *sigh* Ellaria, go be with your little girls. I have some business to discuss with the Sand Snakes.

She nods and leaves.

Doran: Girls… why you gotta fuck with your father’s main squeeze like that?

Nymeria: Look, dad loved her… but she never understood him. War is what the Red Viper would have wanted. But OBVIOUSLY you agree with her, since you’re a weak ass bitch.

Doran: Ellaria understood your father in ways you could never imagine. But there are things she does not know. One thing she does not know, for instance, is that our war with the Lannisters has already begun.

Obara: Hahaha, oh yeah. Arianne has already seen to that by getting Arys Oakheart killed and Princess Myrcella’s ear chopped off.

Arianne: HEY! That’s not what happened at all. It was Darkstar who did it. He killed Arys and cut Myrcella’s ear. *wink*wink* Only now, Darkstar has retreated back to his castle where we can’t reach him.

The Sandsnakes all look at each other.

Nymeria: Well, the story is half-true at least. Will Balon actually believe it though?

Arianne: If Princess Myrcella tells them that it’s what happened.

Obara: Oh sure. Maybe she’ll tell that story today. But for the rest of her life? When she’s safely back in King’s Landing with her mom, Cersei? No way she keeps to that story forever. We’ll be exposed by Balon. We should kill him now.

Doran: SHUT UP! Geez, if the three of your weren’t Oberyn’s daughters, I would have you locked up back in that tower again. Now I’ve had enough of your stupid plots and accusations that I’m doing nothing. You think I’m worthless? You think I’m grass that can be walked all over? Do you know who thinks that too? The Lannisters. And that is exactly what I want them to think. But do you know something about grass? It’s where vipers live… ready to strike. Your father was the Red Viper. But a viper with grass to hide in won’t surprise anyone. They’ll see it coming a mile away. The Red Viper needed me. The Red Viper needed the grass. You think I’m nothing like my brother? You think he wanted war when I did not? But you think and know shit. We were on the same page. We made many plans together. Plans that we never told you about. Viper and Grass. Now that he is gone, I would like you to be involved in those plans. You can be my new vipers. My Sand Vipers. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can trust you three fucking morons enough for that to happen. You’re dipshit vipers more likely to bite your own asses than strike a Lannister.

The Sand Snakes look at each other. They had never seen this type of attitude come from their uncle before. He’s droppin’ shit hard.

Tyene: It’s doing NOTHING that has us frustrated, uncle. Just give us SOMETHING to do, and we will do it.

Doran: Words are fucking wind. You can say that you will follow my commands, but that’s worthless coming from you three dipshits. I mean just look how incompetent you were in the TV show.

Obara: HEY! Don’t judge us by the TV show! We rule in the books!

Doran: Swear to me. Swear to me on your father’s grave that you will do as I command. Cuz you all have to prove you’re ready for me to drop some knowledge on you.

Again, they look at each other. One by one, they bow and swear.

Doran: Good, good. Now I can actually tell you all some things. Dorne is not without friends at the King’s Court. And boy to I have some juicy stuff for you. You remember how Balon Swann invited me to Kings Landing? And then his face turned whiter than a GOP convention when I mentioned heading there by sea instead of land? That’s because shorty already has his orders from Cersei. Going by sea would have ruined the whole plan. There was to be an “ambush” on the road. Tystane would be murdered, with me as a witness to see the whole thing. The raiders would be a bunch of people shouting “Half-man! Half-man!” Balon Swann would even swear he saw Tyrion in the group, leading them. Of course, nobody else would see it.

Tyene: Trystane!? Why the hell would Cersei want poor, innocent, young Trystane dead? He’s just a boy!

Doran: Because she’s a fucking monster. And it ends the engagement between Trystane and Myrcella so she can have her back for her own purposes. And to blame Tyrion for all of her problems in the world and have me take her side.

Obara: Give me my spear and I’ll kill Balon now. I’ll kill all of them!

Doran: Balon is a guest beneath my roof and has eaten with us. I will not allow him to be harmed. Did you not just read that last Theon chapter? Bitches who break the sacred laws of guest right get their own family members served to them. No. Balon will go to the Water Gardens and hear Myrcella’s story. He will send a raven to his queen, saying what happened. And I will “beg” him to go hunt down Darkstar in High Hermitage to avenge the death of his brother of the Kingsguard and the maiming of Myrcella. OBARA! You will accompany him. Lead Balon to Darkstar. That is your mission.

Obara: It… it shall be done, Prince Doran.

Doran: NYMERIA… our war against King’s Landing must remain a secret for now. So we must return Myrcella, just as Cersei asks. But I shall not go with her as Cersei wants.  You shall go to King’s Landing in my stead, and take my seat on the Small Council, just as your father the Red Viper did for me. Be careful though. For King’s Landing is a pit of… well…

Nymeria: Yes. Vipers. I shall do as you say, Uncle.

Doran: And last, for you TYENE. Your mother was a Septa, was she not?

Tyene: Well, not a very chaste one, obviously. But then again, father always was a charmer.

Doran: You shall travel to King’s Landing too with Nymeria, but you shall go to a different hill. You shall infiltrate the order of the Sword and the Stars, which has been reformed by the new High Septon. This High Septon is not a servant of the Lannisters as the other High Septons were. We might be able to use him. Get close to him. Gain his trust.

Tyene: Hahaha, I can do that. I look good in white anyway. So long as our plot is over by labor day, we're cool.

Doran: Go now, girls.

Arianne: I know you can do it, dear cousins. Dorne is with you.

The three look at each other once more and say the words together.

Sand Snakes: Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroked. And no “bad pussy” jokes. Ever.

Ah, the famous motto of Dorne. Good to hear.

Doran: Ah, good. If I have to change any of our plans, I will send word to you. Sometimes, the situation changes quickly when you play the game of thrones. I will need to—

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Arianne: Oh shit. Areo... aren't you supposed to be provding security to prevent this from happening?

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back out of some secret passage.

Areo: Erm, sorry about that, Prince Doran.

The Sand Snakes depart to carry out their orders. Arianne stays.

Arianne: It should have been me going to King’s Landing. Not Nymeria.

Doran: True, but you are too valuable. You are my heir and I need you here. Besides, I have news from Essos.  A fleet has set sail, carrying a large army.

Arianne: Is it Queen Daenerys? Is Quentyn with him?

Doran: I don’t know. All I know is that there will be elephants, apparently.

Arianne: Elephants? Oh… there BETTER be elephants. You know how angry people get when you think a sellsword company from Essos, let’s say the Golden Company, is going to bring elephants and they don’t.

Doran: Whoever they are, we shall find out soon and see if they mean to land here.

And with that, the scene is done.

Doran: Oh shit. Areo. You’re still in the room? I forgot all about you. Did you hear all of that?

Areo: Yeah. But I’m sort of a useless character just here to be a fly on a wall and hear everything that more important characters say. I’m not quite sure why this couldn’t have just been an Arianne chapter and conveyed all the same points, only through the point of view of an interesting character who matters.

Doran: True.

ADwD 37: The Prince of Winterfell (Theon IV)

WEDDING DAY!!! Oh yeah, these Weddings always go so well in these books.

Theon has been assigned to escort Ramsey’s bride, Arya Stark (really Sansa’s old friend, Jeyne Poole), down the aisle.  As the ward of the Starks, who are now all presumed dead, Then Greyjoy is the closest thing to Arya’s “family” that she has left to give her away. Which is messed up in a whole lot of ways beyond the fact that Arya isn’t even Arya.

Jeyne Poole: Please! No! I don’t want to marry this Ramsay Bolton guy. They say he’s the worst. They say he’s a cruel monster.

Reek/Theon: Y-y-you musn’t say such things, Arya. You must make sure to never anger him. So long as you please him, you will be fine.

Jeyne: Ugh. Nooooo! I’m not Arya, and I don’t want to marry him.

Reek/Theon: NO! You ARE Arya! You must never forget that. You never know who is listening. You must ALWAYS be Arya now.

Jeyne: Help me, Theon. Help me escape and run away with me! I swear I’ll be forever grateful to you. I could be your wife instead. I mean you’re no Beric Dondarrian or anything, but you’ll do.

Reek/Theon: Oh yeah, Jeyne had a crush on Beric. That’s so weird and I forgot all about it. But no. I can’t run away with you. There is no escape. Ramsay will find us… and when he does…

Theon shudders at the thought.  He thinks back to Roose’s promise that once Theon goes through with this, he will have his titles restored to him and could take his father’s throne. But Theon knows the truth. He is just a pawn that the Boltons are using to make this wedding ceremony look more legitimate.  If Theon says this girl is Arya… then people who have doubts will believe it. After all, he grew up with Arya and would know.  Theon knows that Bran and Rickon are still alive because he didn’t kill them… but nobody else knows that, leaving him as the and only choice left to ID Arya. Some of these other lords and ladies had seen Ned Stark’s little runt girl before, but only half payed attention to her. Theon is key to shutting people up.  But Theon knows that as soon as he has played his part, he is of no more use to Roose. Roose won’t keep his promise. He’ll let Ramsay go back to torturing him.

Reek/Theon: Basically, the best hope I have is if Stannis attacks and kills everyone, including me.

Theon takes Jeyne through the ruins of Winterfell to the weirwood trees in the godswood. There, Ramsay Bolton is waiting. Theon finds the whole thing super eerie, considering that he grew up with everyone here, then betrayed them, and watched this place burn down when Ramsay attacked it. The place is full of a thick mist and foreboding ravens. They were once Maester Luwin’s ravens. But now Luwin is dead and his tower burned down. Yet the ravens remain. This is all his fault.

Raven: Corn.

Theon presents Jeyne to Ramsay.

Ramsay: Who goes here?

Theon: It is Arya of House Stark, who comes here as a woman flowered to be married. And who are you?

Ramsay: Ramsay of House Bolton, who comes to claim the bride. And who is this who brings her to me?

Theon: Theon of House Greyjoy, the Ward of Ned Stark. Lady Arya… do you take this man?

“Arya” looks worriedly at Theon.  Theon knows she’s not Arya. She’s Jeyne. It rhymes with “pain.” Just like he’s Reek that rhymes with “WWF Star The Iron Shiek.”

Half of Theon hopes that Jeyne screams out “no!” and reveals to everyone that she’s not Arya. How isn’t this obvious to everyone? Jeyne has brown eyes. Arya had grey eyes. DUH. Maybe Ramsay will be so angry that he’ll kill them both right there instantly, rather than slowly torture him.

Jeyne: Yes, I take him man.

Well, so much for that.

Ramsay: And I take this woman.

Sooooo, that was a pretty short ceremony. They all depart. For a moment as they walk away, Theon hears what he thinks is his name being called by the trees. The trees seem to say “Theon,” not Reek. But it’s probably just the wind, so he brushes it off.

Bran: Or maybe it’s me talking through trees again, reminding Theon who he really is.

Yes, that’s possible too.

Bran: A good man.

Well, let's not get carried away, Bran.

Theon/Reek walks away to avoid dealing with people, but randomly bumps into a guy.

*bump*

Guy: Oh, excuse me. My name is Abel, I’m a singer who heard about the Wedding here and came to play.  I’ve brought with me SIX groupies, because I’m sort of a big deal.

Theon: How are you a big deal if I’ve never heard of you? Also, those groupies sort of look like Wildling spearwives.

Groupie: HOW DARE YOU! Take that insult back or I’ll slit your neck just like I was trained to do as a wildling spearwife! Trust me, Mance can vouch for that!

“Abel:” Shhhh!!!! SHHHHH!!!! Come on now, “Groupie,” everything will be fine. Me, a random singer named “Abel,” and my six groupies are just here for the wedding. I am definitely not Mance Rayder, here to spy on things.

Theon/Reek: Uhh… whatever.

The wedding feast is held soon after in the Great Hall of Winterfell.  This Hall too was burned down, bust most of it has been quickly patched up for the wedding by the Boltons, to make Winterfell look at least a tiny bit like the great city fortress it once was. Of course, as soon as the hall was patched up, Roose Bolton executed all the workers who did it. Why? It shows no narrative purpose other than to continue to show that Roose is a huge dick.

At the great feast table, Ramsay and his new bridge Fake Arya / Jeyne are at the center, with Roose Bolton close by.  Theon sits in a far corner, next to Lady Dustin. People spit at him as the walks by. People point and laugh and scorn him. He knows he deserves it. After everything that Ramsay has done to him, such insults are like nothing to him.

Suddenly, the huge whale of a man, Lord Wyman Manderly stands up. It takes him a solid minute to do so though.

Lord Manderly: AHH!!! A toast everyone! A toast! But not a toast of alcohol! A TOAST OF FOOD! MMmmmm! FOOD! That is what I have brought as a gift!

Guy in Back of Great Hall: *shouting* It’s not a gift if you plan to eat it all yourself, fatass!

Crowd: *mild laughter*  

Lord Manderly: Anyway, I have baked THREE GREAT PIES to celebrate this feast. The most delicious pies you’ll have ever tasted! SO GOOD! Have them! Have pieces of them! They’re so good!

His men start to cut up pieces of the three pies, and they are handed out to everyone. Bigger slices are handed out to the Freys in attendance.

Little Walder: Mmm! This tastes really good. What is this? A pork pie? I thought your fat ass only liked eel pies.

Lord Manderly: OH. “Pork,” huh? No! No! A special type of eel! Yes, more delicious eel pies from rare, expensive, luxurious species of eels. These eels are especially slippery. They are the slimiest, most disgusting of all slippery eels! Yet when you kill them and slowly tear their flesh off while they are still alive, hearing their screams of pain… IT MAKES THEM TASTE SO MUCH BETTER!

Big Walder: Strange. I’ve never heard of any types of eels like that. What are their exact species names?

Lord Manderly: Uhh… uhh… *shifty eyes*… well the three pies are made from three different types of rare eels! The first is a Freshwater Eel known as Anguilla Rhaegaria.  The next is a maritime species known as Congrinae Symondus. And the final one is another marine species, Gorgasia Jaredica. All are well renowned for being hideous, monstrous, remorseless, murderous beasts while alive. However, if you viciously kill them… they become so succulent, so delicious!

Aenys Frey: Mmm, this eel pie is really good. I swear it tastes like pork though. You know who would really love this pie? My son, Rhaegar Frey. Too bad he went missing, along with my younger half-brothers, Jared and Symond, while traveling with Lord Manderly not that long ago.

Hosteen Frey: You said it, Anus!

Aenys: AH-KNEES! It’s pronounced, “AH-KNEES!”

Manderly sits down after helping to serve pieces to everyone, and starts to dig into the eel pies himself.

Lord Manderly: MMM! SO GOOD! OMG, these are the BEST PIES I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! I love food, everyone knows this. But this is the GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE. IT TASTES SO GOOD. SO. GOOD.

Roose raises his eyebrow quizzically, but then starts to eat some of the pie too.

Lady Dustin: Ugh, look at this guy. Craven to the bone. A total coward! The Freys murdered his family, and here he is pretending nothing happened and serving them pie. I bet he’d love to kill them all.

Theon: Really? Maybe you should tell Lord Bolton of your concern.

Lady Dustin: Oh come on, Roose knows. Just look. The one person who wasn’t eating the pie was Roose. See him watching Lord Manderly? Roose will not eat anything that Wyman Manderly does not eat, nor take a sip from any beverage that the fat lord of White Harbor does not drink.

Theon: Damn, you’re right.

Lady Dustin: Roose thinks of everyone as his “playthings” to toy with. That’s where his sick fuck of a son Ramsay probably got it from. He probably wants to become the King of the North himself one day, after he defeats Stannis. He’ll murder Manderly soon enough. Anyone who stands in his way dies.

Theon: Are you worried that Roose might think you stand in his way?

Lady Dustin: Heh. You’re smarter than you look, dipshit. I could be a thorn in his side if I choose to be. That why he’s taking great pains to make sure I’m on his side.

A group of Maesters then enter the great hall, and hand a note to Roose.

Lady Dustin: Freaking Maesters. I hate them. Everything is their fault. That whole Tully marriage thing is their fault.

Theon: Wow. Tully marriage? What are you talking about?

Lady Dustin: Don’t worry, I’ll have some more exposition for you about that in your next POV chapter.

Roose stands up and makes an announcement.

Roose: Stannis’s forces have departed Deepwood Motte and are headed this way to us. If you’ll excuse me… I must depart to discuss strategy.

When Roose leaves, a lot of the other Lords start leaving to. One guy who doesn’t want to leave is Lord Manderly, who has drank a TON of booze and is shitfaced.

Lord Manderly: WHY ARE PEOPLE LEAVING? Let’s stay! Stay and celbrate! YOU, bard!

Mance Rayder… uhh… I mean “Abel:” Me?

Lord Manderly: Yes, you! Do you know the song about the Rat Cook? Play it! It’d love to hear that song!

Abel: Oh yeah. You mean the song about the Chef who murders a prince and then BAKED THE PRINCE INTO A PIE AND FEEDS HIM TO HIS OWN FATHER? Then he’s punished by the gods for his deed and transformed into a rat as punishment. Not because he committed murder. Not because he fed a son to his own father. But because he violated the most holy law of all – GUEST RIGHTS, THE SACRED LAWS OF HOSPITALITY WHICH SAY YOU SHOULD NEVER BETRAY OR KILL A MAN INVITED INTO YOUR HOME AND FED.

Aenys Frey: Hahahaha! Yeah! I love that song! Play it! I just wish my son, Rhaegar was here to hear it with me!

He eats more pie.

Abel: Wow. Are we really doing this? Okay then. *whips out Lute*

Lord Manderly’s Helpers: Ugh. Our Lord is drunk. We’ve got to get him out of here. Somebody call for the forklift.

With all of the Lords gone or on their way out, one of Ramsay’s yes-men, Sour Alyn, walks up to Theon.

Sour Alyn: Reek, Ramsay has need of you. It’s time for the bedding ceremony. Ramsay wants you to carry his bride to his bed.

Theon reluctantly gets up and obeys, worried about a trap at every moment. He picks up Jeyne and carries her to Ramsay’s bedchamber. She doesn't look happy about the whole thing.

Ramsay meets him there, waiting, and hands him a knife.

Ramsay: Cut off my bride’s clothes for me.

Theon/Reek: Oh wow, giving me a knife, huh? That’s a real level of trust.

But in Ramsay’s presence, Theon is no longer Theon. He cowers back into Reek, too afraid to do anything. He cuts off Jeyne’s clothes, as commanded. Although he briefly thinks about maybe cutting Jeyne’s throat to end her suffering.
                                                                
Ramsay: Okay, now that Arya is naked I’m ready to go… no… no wait. I think she needs to be moist down there, first, if you know what I mean. REEK!

Reek: Y-yes, L-Lord Ramsay?

Ramsay: Get working on that.

Reek: Y-you mean you want me to go get some KY?

Ramsay: No. You know EXACTLY what I mean.

Jeyne: Wow, these books are EVEN WORSE than the show.

ADwD 36: Daenerys VI

Dany is watching the last episode of "Game of Thrones" on HBO. It comes to an end. 

Dany: What? REALLY? Jon stabs me while he's kissing me? How fucked up is that? And Bran... I mean... BRAN?! Is that for real?

Barristan: Well, he is the first POV chapter of the first book. Discounting prologues, of course.

Dany: Ugh. Now where were we, plot-wise?

Barristan: You said you were going to go feed the starving, sick people with the pale mare disease. They're outside of the city walls. 

Dany: Right. Riiiiiiiiiight.

One of the gates to the city walls of Meereen opens, and Dany steps out.

Barristan: But my Queen, I beg you not to do this! You REALLY plan on feeding these plague-ridden starving refugees from Astapor yourself?

Dany: Of course I do. I ordered that they be fed and taken care of, so I should be strong enough to help do that myself.

Barristan: You’re too valuable, my queen.

Dany: Too valuable? No! Why the poor, downtrodden people are just as important as the rich and powerful.

Barristan: You mean like the civilians of King's Landing?

Dany: Shut your mouth.

Barristan: I'm just saying. If you catch the plague, then—

Dany: —Please! Everyone knows Targaryens can’t get sick. I’ve never been sick my entire life.

Barristan: Who taught you that?

Dany: My brother, Viserys.

Barristan: …

Dany: What?

Barristan: I mean he's not really a trustworthy source of information.

Dany heads out to the camp of the sick anyway with her bloodriders, and this place is DIS-GUST-ING! The whole place is full of the stink of death and rotting corpses.  Those who are still barely alive, cry out to her as she walks by.

Dany: Oh wow, this place is horrible. So much suffering. They look malnourished. Why have they not been brought more food?

Aggo: Dany, I, Aggo, know this a tough thing to hear… but these people dead. Even the alive ones are dead. They all doomed.  We only have limited food left in the city. I say it dumb to  waste food to feed mouths that will die soon anyway. And to add to that… most people we send out to feed and care for these sick people? They get sick and die too. These people are fucked, and it impossible to un-fuck them. Anything we do to try to un-fuck them just fucks us.

Barristan: It’s true. Our stores dwindle and we will need to withstand a siege.

Aggo: It is known.

Dany is sort of a really poor leader (you can tell from how much of a shitdown Meereen is), so she can’t handle that as an answer.

Dany: No! We must continue to care for these people. And why do we let their dead lay here, stinking? They should be gathered up and burned. Yes. BURN. BURN THEM ALL. A-HEHEHEHE!!!!

Everyone stops are stares at her for a second. And they said there was no foreshadowing! Anyway, Aggo breaks the silence.

Aggo: You not listen to what Aggo say before? If we send people to gather and burn dead bodies… they get bloody flux and die shitting blood too.  Not everyone magically immune to sickness like you.

Dany: Have Grey Worm and the Unsullied gather these bodies and burn them. I order this!

Aggo: Really? Okay, Aggo will do as his Khaleesi commands. Aggo just wonders if you know address of Grey Worm’s mom so you can send her a card saying how sorry you are that he dead.

Grey Worm is fetched and hears Dany’s commands.

Grey Worm: It shall be done, Queen. I just ask permission that we Unsullied be allowed to bathe in the sea water to purify ourselves afterwards, in accordance with our religion.

Dany: Oh really? Is that a thing in your religion? I didn’t even know about it.

Grey Worm: Of course not. You’re a white savior character. Why bother learning about our unique cultures and traditions when it’s not important to your story arc as the white savior? You saving us poor, brown people is all the readers need to know. Little details like our own faiths and beliefs are unimportant because we are just plot devices to promote your narrative of white goodness.

Dany: I… uhh… ermm… ahhh…

Grey Worm: Nah, I’m just fucking with you because I’m really pissed that I have to pile up and burn all these dead bodies today when I was planning to watch some soccer games on the big screen at that one pyramid. It’s all good.

Grey Worm goes off to do that body burning stuff. But was he really just kidding with Dany? No. Of course not.

Later, Dany returns back to her own pyramid and bathes.

Dany: SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! I can feel plague germs all over me! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Missandei: Hey, mind if I bathe with you?

Dany: OMG, I'm so glad that you're still alive!

Missandei: Huh?

Dany: Get in here and bathe me, you sexy, alive thing you. 

Missandei: Sexy? Remember that in these books I am a 10-year old girl. 

Dany: Yeesh.

Irri: I though you were supposed to bathe with us.

Jhiqui: It is known.

Dany: I still find it hard to believe that you two characters are still around. We literally have nothing for you to do, plot-wise anymore.

Irri: Perhaps we can argue over Rakharo and talk about how cute he is now. He used to be all small, but he obviously hit Dothraki puberty and is big as hell now. Those muscles.

Jhiqui: Mmm sister, yeah. IT. IS. KNOWN.

Dany: *rolls eyes*

Missandei: I can hear the people outside scratching on the walls at night. Scratching to get inside of here.

Dany: Do you can’t, stop BS’ing me, Missandei. You’re probably just having bad dreams. But don’t worry. As much as I care for them and feel bad for their suffering, I won’t let them in to spread plague.

Missandei: Right. You’ll just send all sorts of troops out there to mingle with them and bring the plague back inside that way.

Dany: I… uhmm… ermm… OKAY… MOVING THIS PLOT FORWARD…

Dany gets dressed in a traditional Tokar with plans to meet with her husband-to-be, Hizdahr zo Loraq, for dinner. But before meeting with Hizdahr, she meets up with Reznak mo Reznak and Galazza the Green Grace Galare to talk wedding planning.

Dany: Look, I promise I won’t be one of those Bridezillas! I just need everyone in the audience to wear this one shade of topaz that I found because it’s so pretty. Dresses. Suits. Footwear. It all has to be topaz and if anyone dares not wear all topaz, they are banned from the wedding. And it better not be ANY shade of topaz. It needs to be the one shade I like. I’m sending everyone some Pantone color strips that shows the EXACT shade that I want them to wear. And no woman in the ceremony is allowed to be taller than me. Anyone who is taller than me needs to hunch down and act like a cripple. Oh, and I plan on sending a bill to any no-show guests. And the only food that will be served is these new green “detox” smoothies that I’m totally into now. But again, I’m totally not a Bridezilla.

Reznak: Uhnn huhhhh. So anyway, about the feet washing ceremony.

Dany: The what now?

Reznak: You need to wash your husband’s feet to prove you are an obedient servant to him now.

Dany: THE FUCK I WILL.

Green Grace: Queen, I know it is not your tradition… but the union will not be recognized by our people if you don’t do this. If the people do not think the wedding is legitimate, then you will never have peace.

Dany: *sigh* Whatever.

Reznak: You should also probably reopen the fighting pits as a “wedding gift” to your husband.

Dany: OMG WILL IT EVER END WITH THIS FIGHTING PIT STUFF?! UGH. Look. When I am married to Hizdahr, he will be a king. Let him reopen the pits. I want nothing to do with it.

Everyone else just shrugs their shoulders, because honestly that seems like a pretty legit compromise.

Later, Hizdahr arrives and they start their dinner.

Hizdahr: Mmm, we’re having a very special dinner tonight. My favorite meal! Dog!

Dany: *vomits in mouth a little* Oh… yeeeeeeah. That sounds great.

Hizdahr: Doesn’t it?

Dany: Oh hey, “honey.” You hear about this feet washing thing I have to do?

Hizdahr: *sigh* Yeah. Another one of these stupid old traditions that they love in Meereen. Look, I’m not about that life, Dany. When we’re in charge, that’s one of the types of things I’d like to get rid of. But for now, it’s something we probably need to do in order to keep the peace.

Dany: Cool, I guess. Although if you’re one of those foot fetish people… I can tell you that this is not going to work.

Hizdahr: No way, those people are freaks. But back to talking about peace. I’ve heard back on offers for peace with Yunkai. They say they want us to give them a bunch of gold, and allow them to resume the slave trade.

Dany: No and no. To hell with that.

Barristan then comes in, and interrupts the engaged couple.

Barristan: Excuse me, Your Grace. The Stormcrows have returned with news.

Dany: S-stormcrows? You mean… like… Daario?

She bats her eyes are starts to get all swoony.  Hizdahr gives her some side eye.

Barristan: The armies of Yunkai are on the march. Daario has lots of information about it, but he refused to brief me about it. He says he will only tell you.

Dany gets up from the table, just as the course of dog meat arrives.

Dany: Oh look at that! What a shame. I guess I can’t eat dog after all, my dear husband. So sorry, but I have to go hear a report about the Yunkai forces from my soldier.

Hizdahr: What a shame! I guess we could save you some dog to have later.

Dany: No, no. I couldn’t possibly impose you disgusting monster. You should have my portion. Now to go meet Daario. Of course it’s SUPER SENSITIVE news he probably has to report to me. Which means he needs to “debrief” me in private. Like in my bedroom probably. Yeah, my bedroom sounds like the most logical and secure place. Send Daario there at once!

Barristan: Uhhh. Of course, Your Grace.

Hizdahr: *devastatingly vicious side eye*

Dany goes back to her bedroom chambers, slips into something from Victoria’s Secret, and waits in her bed for the report from the leader of the Stormcrows.

Daario walks in, although he’s wounded and covered in blood.

Dany: OH NO! My poor baby! I mean… uhh… soldier. You look hurt. You need to get that wound treated!

Daario: Oh this? It’s nothing. Most of this blood isn’t even mine. It’s blood from a traitorous sergent who tried to defect and join the enemy. So I ripped his heart out of his chest.

Dany: Like Kano from Mortal Kombat? *swoon*

Daario: Well, I was thinking more like Mola Ram in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But same thing. Here, I got you this as a Valentine’s Day gift.

He drops the man’s heart on the table.

Dany: So sweet! I can’t believe one of the Stormcrows tried to betray me though.

Daario: Bad news, my beautiful Queen. He wasn’t the only one. Brown Ben Plum and his entire Second Sons company have defected and joined Yunkai.

Dany: WHAT?! OMG! I just sent him out with a ton of gold to bribe our enemies to join our side! But instead he STEALS the gold and gives it to our enemies and joins them?!  AGHHHHH!!!

Daario: It’s not all bad news. I convinced some of our enemies to flip to our side. Even without the gold.  Also, as for Brown Ben, I can kill him for you, my love.

Dany: Maybe later. For now, I need to order the gates to be closed to defend ourselves from this oncoming Yunkai attack. I also need to tend to your wounds so you don’t die of an infection like my last husband.  Take all of your clothes off right now, so I can get a better look at them.

Instead of doing that, Daario walks right up and kisses her on the lips. They make out for like four minutes before Dany notices that all her handmaids are in the room watching.

Dany: Uh, you gals can leave now.

Irri: But I like to watch. It is known.

They leave.

Dany: Oh, Daario! There was the prophecy! That three people would betray me! I feared you would be one of them. But you weren’t. It was Brown Benn. He was the second. Or the third? I don’t know. I’m not quite sure how to count them. Does that Lhazar Witch Mirri Maz Durr count? Jorah most certainly does. But what about—

Daario: —I would never betray you, my love. All that I ask for is that you never leave me behind in Meereen and have whatever happens to me be a dropped plot point.

Dany: By the way… I know this is an awkward time to mention this. But I’m getting married. To Hizdahr.

Daario: *shugs* Whatever. Like that will stop me.

Dany: But I never wanted him. I wanted you! But you’re a sellsword. How could I trust a sellsword who boasts that he’s slept with hundreds of women?

Daario: Did I say hundreds? I meant thousands.

Dany: Really? Man, I’m really glad that STDs aren’t a major thing in these novels.

Daario: Thousands of women… but I’ve never been with a dragon.

Dany: What? Like Drogon?

Daario: No, you. Idiot.

Dany: Ah, right.

She drops her dress. They start making out again and begin taking off their clothes. But Dany starts patting around Daario's body. 

Daario: What are you doing?

Dany: Just checking to make sure you don't have a knife to plunge into my heart.

Daario: Why would I do that?

Dany: Like I said, just checking. 

Daario: I do have something I want to plunge inside of you though.

Dany: Then what are you waiting for?

They do it.

Game of Thrones: The Final Episode (A Jingle of Ice and Fire Special)

The music plays and the studio audience applauds. Finally, things settle down and Arianne Martell takes her seat.

Arianne: Hey everyone, it’s me! Arianne Martell, the best character not actually featured in HBO’s show, “Game of Thrones.” Well, it’s Noon East Coast time and the last episode of HBO’s show will be airing later tonight. I guess we should use this as a time to reflect on the show, as well as talk about some predictions for the final episode. So how about I bring out my special guests?

Audience: YES! WE WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH!

Arianne: Please welcome… joining me in studio today… is EVERY POV Character from the books!  Here are… Lord Eddard Stark, Lady Catelyn Stark, Daenerys Targaryen, Tyrion Lannister, Jon Snow, Bran Stark, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Theon Greyjoy, Davos Seaworth, Jaime Lannister, Samwell Tarly, Cersei Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Aeron Greyjoy, Victarion Greyjoy, Asha Greyjoy, Areo Hotah, Arys Oakheart, Quentyn Martell, Barristan Selmy, Jon Connington, and Melisandre! Myself too, of course!

The audience goes wild as it takes all these characters a ton of time to sit down in the chairs in the studio. 

Barristan Selmy: Wow, I didn’t even know I was a POV character.

Arianne: Oh, you’re not yet. You will be soon though. Just wait a few chapters, okay? After Dany flies off on Drogon later in this book, GRRM will need someone to explain what’s going on in Meereen.

Cersei Lannister: Ugh. Spoilers! *rolls eyes*

Jon Snow: Hey… aren’t there some folks missing? Like the Prologue and Epilogue POV characters?

Arianne: Ah, it looks like you do know something after all, Jon Snow!

The audience laughs.

Arianne: You’re of course referring to Will, Ranger of the Night’s Watch; Maester Cressen;
Chett, Steward of the Night’s Watch; Merrett Frey, 9th son of Walder Frey; Pate, Novice at the Citadel; Varamyr, Skinchanger; and the epilogue closer for this book that we haven’t seen yet… none other than Lord Regent, Kevan Lannister.

The audience cheers, expecting some surprise appearance for those characters as well.

Arianne: Well, you won’t see any of them because they’re boring and lame.

Audience: Oh. You have a point though.

Arianne: And you know what? Let’s… um… let’s kick out fucking Areo Hotah too. That guy is such a fucking creeper. Always staring at me. Gawking.

Areo Hotah: But my princess! I love you! All I wish to do is protect you.

Arianne: Dude, you probably have an altar to me on your wall and it’s making me a bit uncomfortable. And while we’re at it… let’s get fucking Aeron and Victarion Greyjoy out of here too because they are just the lamest fucking characters ever.

Armed members of the Kingsguard come in and take Areo, Aeron and Victarion away.  Melisandre and Arys Oakheart both look at each other nervously, knowing that each of them only had one POV chapter themselves and are therefore basically on the same level as the Prologue and Epilogue guys.

Arianne: Oh no, don’t worry. You two are safe. Mel, you kick ass and are a great character. And Arys… well… I do sort of feel bad about tricking you with sex and getting you killed. A woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do, right?

Audience: YOU TELL HIM, SISTER!

Arianne: Haha, anyway. First thing is first. A big hello back to all of our dead characters! It’s great to see you again. NED!

Ned Stark: It’s great to be here, Arianne. Geez, it feels like it’s been forever since Book 1, hasn’t it?

Arianne: Yeah. Wow. I mean you had 15 POV chapters. You were absolutely the hero and main character. And then…? BAM! But enough about the books. How about the show?

Ned Stark: Well, back when I was on the show, the books and the show were nearly identical. So my story is pretty much the same in both.

Arianne: True. It’s sort of fucked up that you lied to your wife about Jon Snow’s identity, isn’t it? She sort of distrusted you and hated Jon his whole life. Don’t you think you could have just told her the truth?

Ned Stark: Well, as we saw from some of the final episodes, it’s possible that she might have that “snitch” gene in her DNA. That could be where Sansa got it from.

Sansa: HEY!!!!!!

Arianne: And speaking of your Lady wife… CAT! What the hell is happening?

Lady Stoneheart: *gurgles blood*

Arianne: Oh, no… no, please. Can you just revert back to Cat Stark for this segment? I don’t know if I can handle the blood gurgling thing.

Cat: Okay, cool.

Arianne: That Red Wedding. So fucked up, right?

Cat: Robb was such a dumbass, wasn’t he?

The audience laughs. Robb Stark was a dumbass.

Arianne: And our LAST dead-in-the-books character (who is not a throwaway Prologue or Epilogue character) is of course my younger brother, Quentyn. Hey bro!

Quentyn: Wait… WHAT?! What do you mean I’m dead in the books?

Arianne: Oh… uhh… damn. I’m getting a little ahead of myself, aren’t I? That’s still a few chapters away.

Quentyn: I… I… erm… AGGHH!!!!

He freaks out and runs away.

Arianne: Hahaha, yeah. That seems like my worthless brother. Just wait to see how fast his ass runs around when he’s being incinerated by a dragon.

Audience laughter.

Arianne: But then again, sometimes dragons burning people to death is no laughing matter. So let’s now talk to Season 8, Episode 5’s biggest villain… the mistress of the face-heel turn, the Mad Queen herself…  Daenerys Targaryen!

Audience: BOOOOO! BOOO!!! WE TRUSTED YOU! SOME OF US NAMED OUR CHILDREN “KHALEESI!”

Dany: Yeah, sorry about that. But you shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve always been going in that direction.

Arianne: So, incinerating civilians now, isn’t it?

Dany: I guess.

Arianne: Are you pretty confident that this is where you’ll be heading in the books too?

Dany: Maybe. But it will probably be executed better. The books are simply better at having characters with “shades of gray” for their personalities, while the show makes people strictly “good” or “evil.” So when someone flips from one side to the other, it’s really drastic-seeming. I assume it the books my story progression will be handled a little better, especially because I’m a POV character and you can see what’s going on in my mind.

Arianne: Of course, you’re assuming the books will actually ever be finished.

Audience: HAHAHA! SO TRUE!

Dany: Yeah, right Arianne. Gosh I hope they are.

Arianne: Anyway Dany, I’ll get back to you in a minute. Let’s talk about a few more Season 8 deaths. Jaime and Cersei. How are you two doing after last week’s episode?

Jaime: Eh. You know, the books have really been going in a different direction for us than the show. So who knows how close our stories will be to the books. I mean I guess it’s good that we died together.

Cersei: Yeah, and I’m sure a lot of people are disappointed about the “Valonqar” theory stuff not panning out like they had hoped. Although to be fair to the show, that was a book-only prophecy. So you can’t really say the show failed to fulfil the prophecy because it didn’t exist in the show.

Arianne: Good points. Theon, you recently died on the show too. How fucked up is it that you get a redemption story where everyone loves you now after all that horrible shit you did in Book and Season 2… and yet now everyone fucking hates Dany after she freed a million slaves?

Theon: I suppose it’s pretty fucked up. But then again I didn’t slaughter an entire city. Well. Actually. I sort of did a little with Winterfell. But it’s a much smaller city, so there’s that.

Arianne: Barristan! You’ve been dead for what seems like FOREVER in the show. But you’re still alive and kicking in the books. What’s up with you?

Barristan: Eh, well it sucked sort of dying early. But then again in the books Dany does have like 4,000 assistants and characters around her. I can see why they slimmed that down and streamlined it for the show. I assume in the books I’m going to fulfil some of the roles that folks like Varys, Tyrion, Grey Worm, and the aged-up Missandei play in the show. Or maybe I’ll just die soon anyways. Who knows?

Arianne: Indeed. Now to talk to a guy like me who missed the TV show cut, Jon Connington! HEY BUDDY! How’s it going?

Jon Connington: Uh, fine I guess. Although like you say, I’m not that emotionally invested in the show because I’m not even in it.

Arianne: They give a lot of your story Mojo from the books to Jorah Mormont. But your main schtick is all that stuff with Young Griff, AKA maybe Aegon Targaryen and the Golden Company. If all the theories about the Golden Company in the books are correct… about Aegon really perhaps being a Blackfyre… wouldn’t that be cool?

Jon Connington: I suppose so. At least the Golden Company would do something in the books. In the show they just… well…

Arianne: Indeed. That was sort of a big letdown, huh?

Cersei: You’re telling me!

The audience laughs.

Dany: Hahaha, sorry. I mean it’s not that hard to predict what would happen there, right? My awesome dragons versus some sellswords on horses?

Arianne: Okay, okay. So we’re doing this blog on the night of the final episode. Let’s cut to the chase. Theories. What do we think is going to happen? Jon… are you the Prince that was Promised or what?

Jon Snow: I dunno. If you divide the books as written so far up chapter-wise, I have the second most chapters after Tyrion. So I’m obviously pretty important.

Arianne: That’s right. Including the 5 published books and the 11 known The Winds of Winter chapters, Tyrion has 49 POV chapters, and you have 42. Rounding out the top 10 are Arya, Dany, Cat, Sansa, Bran, Jaime, Ned and Theon. So are you going to kill Dany or what?

Jon Snow: I dunno. I mean how would I even do that? I mean I obviously could. I could get close to her and just stab her with Longclaw. But then I’d immediately be dead after that. She’s still got Grey Worm with her. And did you see his face in that battle? He was all about committing war crimes against surrendering soldiers. She’s got Dothraki left too. And Drogon is still there. I would be so dead.

Arianne: So is that the ending? You kill her and get killed too? You make a sacrifice for the greater good?

Jon Snow: Guess we’ll have to see. Or somehow I get away. Don’t know how though.

Bran: Maybe I can warg into Drogon and then use him to burn everyone else to death. Then inside of Drogon I just, like, fly myself into a volcano or something and kill myself.

Arianne: Hrm. That would neatly get rid of Dany and all her armies quickly. But I just don’t see that happening. For one it would mean you’d have to do something useful in the show, rather than just sitting there and rolling your eyes back and being a creepy motherfucker who just quotes epic past quotes from the show.

Bran: Yeah, that’s true I guess. And I suppose if I could warg into Drogon, maybe I should have done that last episode to prevent thousands of innocent civilians from dying.

Arianne: Another good theory is that Arya does the deed and kills Dany, what with her awesome face-swap stuff. HEY ARYA! You haven’t talked yet!

Arya: Just politely waiting my turn, Arianne.

Arianne: So you think you’re going to do it?

Arya: Well. Me or Jon. Those are the most popular theories. I hear about one where I kill Grey Worm fist, take his face, and do it. I’m not sure about that. Seems a little black face-ey.

Arianne: Well, GRRM has been a lot more racist than that in the books. And if Jon gets killed… there is also the theory that you sit on the Iron Throne yourself.

Arya: I don’t really think I’d be interested in that.

Arianne: No, you don’t. So are YOU the Prince that was Promised? Is the catspaw dagger Lightbringer? Is Needle Lightbringer? You did kill the Night King, after all.

Arya: I dunno. The Night King isn’t really in the books. There is the Legendary Night’s King from the past, but it’s just a story and it’s not the same. I think the legend of Azor Ahai ending the Long Night made a lot of show watchers assume that the Prince that was Promised is the person who kills the Night King. Again, it’s one of those confusing and muddling the books and show thing. It would definitely be satisfying for me to kill Dany though. I think that’s pretty likely. I mean does Jon even have the balls to do it himself?

Jon: Hey! Come on, sis!

Arya: Technically we're cousins now.

Jon: True. 

Arya: I’m just saying, you’re like dad… “honorable” to a fault that’s so stupid that it will get you killed.

Ned: Yeah, that’s sort of true.

Arya: Jon, you bent the knee to Dany and you’re refusing to betray her. You probably will in the last episode… but when push comes to shove, could you actually stab her to death? You might need me to do it for you.

Arianne: And what about the pale horse you rode out of town on? There is a theory that it was Bran.

Bran: That theory is stupid.

Arianne: I agree. Do you think it intentionally mirrors the pale horse prophecy from the books?

Arya: Probably not. The pale horse thing in the books is clearly just the plague thing in Essos. For this, it’s probably just pale horse = death from the bible. Which is sort of a weird analogy because this is set in a fictional universe that uses a totally different religious system.

Arianne: Well, another person who hasn’t talked is a man we’ve mentioned before as the man with the MOST POV chapters. And that’s despite being left out of an entire book. Given that, he is arguably the main character of the entire book/show. This makes him another viable candidate to be the man who ultimately sits on the Iron Throne. Ladies and gentlemen… TYRION!

They applaud. He’s been sitting there the whole time anyway, but they applaud still.

Tyrion: Thanks Arianne. It’s great to be here.

Arianne: So… what about you on the Iron Throne? Or maybe some combo with you and Sansa? You’re technically legally married. The book series is largely based on the York/Lancaster feud of the War of the Roses, which became the Stark/Lannister feud here. The actual War of the Roses ends with a marriage between the two houses. Maybe you and Sansa could rule together.

Tyrion: Maybe. It seems a bit too neat though. It’s great that I survive to the last episode, but of people remaining to be a final victim of Dany’s newfound cruelty, I’ve got to be a top candidate, right? Me and Davos. I mean how is that guy still alive?

Davos: I'd argue with you, but I can't.

Sansa: Yeah, to follow up on what Tyrion said, I think a lot of people are reading too much into the crypts moment with us. Like we’re really in love or something. I think it was just a nice character moment where we showed some final respect to each other and acknowledged the past.

Arianne: So you think you’re going to die, Tyrion?

Tyrion: I hope not. Although I’d say it’s more likely I’d die than sit on the Iron Throne. I think the show has sort of proven that people are generally terrible and I’d be rejected by them because they see me as a monster based on my physical appearance. When people vilified me in the past, they claimed it was me plotting to have the throne for myself. So I can’t see me actually sitting on the throne as a logical outcome.

Arianne: So no "the dragon has three heads / Tyrion is a secret Targaryen because the Mad King raped Tywin's wife?"

Tyrion: Probably not. At least in the TV show. It's sort of late to pull that now. But who knows in the books?

Arianne: So what about just you alone, Sansa? Your character seems to have evolved from whiny annoying girl to competent manipulator and political player?

Sansa: I’m a little confused as to the “Sansa will sit on the Iron Throne” theory too. I think I’d rather just rule in Winterfell as the lady of Winterfell and disregard the Iron Throne altogether. In fact, maybe that’s the answer. Maybe nobody sits on it and the Seven Kingdoms once again become seven, independent kingdoms.

Arianne: Yeah, that’s another great theory. Maybe the whole story GRRM has been playing with us – “Who will sit on the Iron Throne in the end? Who will win the Game of Thrones?” was all just a red herring and the answer is that NOBODY will sit on the Iron Throne. I like it.  Davos, Sam, Brienne, Asha, Arys, Mel. Whattup? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. Do any of you have some thoughts about how the show ends up or your own stories?

Davos: As Tyrion implied, I’m just surprised to even still be alive on the show. Don’t get me wrong or anything, I love that I am. It’s just crazy after everyone else important they’ve killed that I’m still here. Again, maybe like with Tyrion’s thoughts that he could be a goner in the last episode… I could too. Dany kills me and it's sort of the last straw that breaks the camel's back to Jon turning on her. Who knows though? All I know is that I’m pretty sad that Missandei is dead so I can’t be a creeper around her anymore.

Sam: Well, for me... my goodbye with Jon seemed pretty definitive. Which means they’re trying to say “you two will never see each other again.” That means Jon either stays in Kings Landing as king… or he dies. He certainly won’t come back to rule Winterfell, I assume.

Brienne: I’m shockingly still alive too. In the books half of my face has been eaten off by Biter and I’m tricking Jaime into going to get killed by Lady Stoneheart. I really, really, really thought I was going to die in the Battle of Winterfell.

Asha: And I have no idea if I’ll ever be seen again, or if I’m just done. They did mention making Bronn the ruler of Highgarden. Gendry the ruler of Storm’s End. A new ruler of Dorne. Me the ruler of the Iron Isles. Maybe Tyrion having Casterly Rock because his dad was so against it. Sansa at Winterfell. Edmure, if he’s still alive, back at Riverrun? Robin Arryn at the Vale? So maybe they do work in a scene tonight where they have everyone “bend the knee” to the new ruler, whoever that may be. Probably Jon.

Arys Oakheart: I’m just glad to even be included in this panel and not kicked out like the lame Greyjoys and Areo who fucking killed me. Say Arianne, you wanna hook up again tonight? I've missed you.

Arianne: No. Okay, Melisandre?

Mel: I died in a pretty cool way, so I’m good. No idea how all my Azor Ahai prophecy stuff is going to wind up. Will be interesting to see if the Prince that Was Promised or Lightbringer even come up at all.

Arianne: Any final thoughts from around the table? Some last reflections on this TV show because it’s all over. Anything you want to discuss. Any theories or still-open storylines from the show or the books that you’d love to see resolved?  Let me start off with my own… the Sand Snakes. What’s up with them? They’re being sent off by my bad on infiltration missions. That’s pretty cool. Would love to see where that winds up in the books. Ned, how about you go next?

Ned: Uh, I mean my family makes up a good chunk of the POVs in the books. Me. Jon. Arya. Sansa. Cat. Bran. Even if the story wasn’t about me, I think the Starks are really the true heros. So I do hope Dany is defeated and the Starks win. I assume that will be what happens, but I’d really like it if more of them don’t die this last episode, or in the books. The independence theory is cool too. The Starks just rule the north independently. That would be totally fine. I don’t need Jon or Sansa to sit on the throne. If Winterfell is free, that's a big enough win.

Arianne: Cat?

Cat: Well, obviously the Lady Stoneheart think remains unresolved. What am I up to?  Do I kill Jaime? If I don’t then what could he say or do that would convince me to let him go? Oh yeah… I also got that Tom O Sevens guy who has infiltrated the Freys and is killing them. That’s sort of cool. I do wonder if anything will happen with that. Or my brother Edmure. Where is he? What’s up with him? Did Arya free him from the Freys before she killed them all? I bet it won’t be answered though.

Arianne: Dany?

Dany: Well, it was a good ride. Fuck, I don’t want to die and I know a lot of people are pissed off that I’m the 11th Hour baddie for the last two episodes. But it was a great run, wasn’t it? It would be really cool if I didn’t die. But I think I am. They just made me too irredeemable to save. Which is sort of ironic because the allied powers firebombed innocent civilians in World War II and are still the “good guys” and yet I don’t yet to still be good? Fucked up.  

Arianne: Tyrion?

Tyrion: I’m just glad that both the show and this blog left fucking Penny out. Sharkleberry Finn is terrible too, but not as bad as Penny. Also, I hope I live too. By the way. To whoever is sitting on the throne, I will make a great Hand. Or like Asha said, maybe my last F-U to my dad is getting Casterly Rock.

Arianne: Jon?

Jon: I’d like to say that for the books I hope it’s me warging into Ghost after I get stabbed instead of the "Melisandre bringing me back" thing. Me warging into Ghost would be awesome.

Arianne: Bran?

Bran: I am not Bran. I am the Three-Eyed Raven/Crow.

Arianne: Okay, never mind. Forget your ass. Sansa?

Sansa: Yeah… wow. I sure to have a lot I could say. Where the books have left off I’m at a really different place than in the show, so I have no idea what direction I’m going. I’m never married to Ramsay. I’m still with Littlefinger. I just really hope that they’re not setting up that “Lyn Corbray is a pedophile who will rape and kill Robert Arryn” thing like I think they are. And it will be interesting to see what happens with my marriage to Harry the Heir. Is he also terrible and abusive like Ramsay was? What happens to Littlefinger too. There is no way the books do what the TV show did. He's a total creeper towards me and I may end up being involved in killing him similar to the show, but it will be in a different way. Anyway, for the show… I don’t know. I do really want to rule Winterfell and that seems appropriate for me.

Arianne: Arya?

Arya: I just want to kill, like, at least six more people before this show is over. Probably more. Killing people is awesome. Hi Dany!

Arya waves at Dany and Dany flinches.

Arianne: Theon?

Theon: I’m so glad to be dead now. The last several years of my life have sucked.

Arianne: Davos?

Davos: I really wanted to use some of that aphrodisiac, hard dick crab and get it on with Missendei! Haha.

Arianne: Gross.

Davos: But more seriously, my hanging books storyline is now going to Skagos and looking for Rickon. As if anyone cares about non-zig-zaggy Rickon.

Arianne: Jaime?

Jaime: Eh, like Cat said… how do I escape what is, I presume, being led to by death by Brienne to her? On, and the Valonqar stuff too. Do I kill Cersei in the books rather than just hug her while rubble falls?

Arianne: Sam?

Sam: I just want to see if the show ends with me becoming the author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” though, telling the story of the whole thing and writing it down. Oh, and speaking of your Sand Snake cousins… what’s up with Sarella / Alleras? The whole Aemon riddle about the Sphinx and her being called the Sphinx. It seems important. And also what is Jaqen H'ghar doing in the Citadel? All great questions for book-only people. The show won’t address them, but I wanna see.

Arianne: Cersei?

Cersei: *has passed out, drunk on wine*

Arianne: Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised by that. Brienne?

Brienne: The Jaime/me sex thing will TOTALLY not happen in the books. That was absolute fan service. I’m just stating that now. I’m really glad the show didn’t tear off half of my face like the books did though. That was just awful.

Arianne: Asha, Arys, Barristan, Jon, Mel… anything else from any of you?

All of Them: Eh, not really.

Arianne: Well, that was fun. Guess now we just grab some popcorn and see how this fucked up ride goes tonight. We’ll be back on Tuesday with your next regularly scheduled Chapter, A Dance with Dragons 35. And it’s going to be a Dany chapter, by the way.

Dany: OooOoo. So we’re going to probably work in a lot of inside jokes about how the show ends into that blog?

Arianne: Eh. Maybe.

The audience cheers and the credits role. After the credits, Sam Jackson shows up because Sam Jackson always shows up after the credits.