WEDDING DAY!!! Oh yeah, these Weddings always go so well in these books.
Theon has been assigned to escort Ramsey’s bride, Arya Stark (really Sansa’s old friend, Jeyne Poole), down the aisle. As the ward of the Starks, who are now all presumed dead, Then Greyjoy is the closest thing to Arya’s “family” that she has left to give her away. Which is messed up in a whole lot of ways beyond the fact that Arya isn’t even Arya.
Jeyne Poole: Please! No! I don’t want to marry this Ramsay Bolton guy. They say he’s the worst. They say he’s a cruel monster.
Reek/Theon: Y-y-you musn’t say such things, Arya. You must make sure to never anger him. So long as you please him, you will be fine.
Jeyne: Ugh. Nooooo! I’m not Arya, and I don’t want to marry him.
Reek/Theon: NO! You ARE Arya! You must never forget that. You never know who is listening. You must ALWAYS be Arya now.
Jeyne: Help me, Theon. Help me escape and run away with me! I swear I’ll be forever grateful to you. I could be your wife instead. I mean you’re no Beric Dondarrian or anything, but you’ll do.
Reek/Theon: Oh yeah, Jeyne had a crush on Beric. That’s so weird and I forgot all about it. But no. I can’t run away with you. There is no escape. Ramsay will find us… and when he does…
Theon shudders at the thought. He thinks back to Roose’s promise that once Theon goes through with this, he will have his titles restored to him and could take his father’s throne. But Theon knows the truth. He is just a pawn that the Boltons are using to make this wedding ceremony look more legitimate. If Theon says this girl is Arya… then people who have doubts will believe it. After all, he grew up with Arya and would know. Theon knows that Bran and Rickon are still alive because he didn’t kill them… but nobody else knows that, leaving him as the and only choice left to ID Arya. Some of these other lords and ladies had seen Ned Stark’s little runt girl before, but only half payed attention to her. Theon is key to shutting people up. But Theon knows that as soon as he has played his part, he is of no more use to Roose. Roose won’t keep his promise. He’ll let Ramsay go back to torturing him.
Reek/Theon: Basically, the best hope I have is if Stannis attacks and kills everyone, including me.
Theon takes Jeyne through the ruins of Winterfell to the weirwood trees in the godswood. There, Ramsay Bolton is waiting. Theon finds the whole thing super eerie, considering that he grew up with everyone here, then betrayed them, and watched this place burn down when Ramsay attacked it. The place is full of a thick mist and foreboding ravens. They were once Maester Luwin’s ravens. But now Luwin is dead and his tower burned down. Yet the ravens remain. This is all his fault.
Raven: Corn.
Theon presents Jeyne to Ramsay.
Ramsay: Who goes here?
Theon: It is Arya of House Stark, who comes here as a woman flowered to be married. And who are you?
Ramsay: Ramsay of House Bolton, who comes to claim the bride. And who is this who brings her to me?
Theon: Theon of House Greyjoy, the Ward of Ned Stark. Lady Arya… do you take this man?
“Arya” looks worriedly at Theon. Theon knows she’s not Arya. She’s Jeyne. It rhymes with “pain.” Just like he’s Reek that rhymes with “WWF Star The Iron Shiek.”
Half of Theon hopes that Jeyne screams out “no!” and reveals to everyone that she’s not Arya. How isn’t this obvious to everyone? Jeyne has brown eyes. Arya had grey eyes. DUH. Maybe Ramsay will be so angry that he’ll kill them both right there instantly, rather than slowly torture him.
Jeyne: Yes, I take him man.
Well, so much for that.
Ramsay: And I take this woman.
Sooooo, that was a pretty short ceremony. They all depart. For a moment as they walk away, Theon hears what he thinks is his name being called by the trees. The trees seem to say “Theon,” not Reek. But it’s probably just the wind, so he brushes it off.
Bran: Or maybe it’s me talking through trees again, reminding Theon who he really is.
Yes, that’s possible too.
Bran: A good man.
Well, let's not get carried away, Bran.
Theon/Reek walks away to avoid dealing with people, but randomly bumps into a guy.
*bump*
Guy: Oh, excuse me. My name is Abel, I’m a singer who heard about the Wedding here and came to play. I’ve brought with me SIX groupies, because I’m sort of a big deal.
Theon: How are you a big deal if I’ve never heard of you? Also, those groupies sort of look like Wildling spearwives.
Groupie: HOW DARE YOU! Take that insult back or I’ll slit your neck just like I was trained to do as a wildling spearwife! Trust me, Mance can vouch for that!
“Abel:” Shhhh!!!! SHHHHH!!!! Come on now, “Groupie,” everything will be fine. Me, a random singer named “Abel,” and my six groupies are just here for the wedding. I am definitely not Mance Rayder, here to spy on things.
Theon/Reek: Uhh… whatever.
The wedding feast is held soon after in the Great Hall of Winterfell. This Hall too was burned down, bust most of it has been quickly patched up for the wedding by the Boltons, to make Winterfell look at least a tiny bit like the great city fortress it once was. Of course, as soon as the hall was patched up, Roose Bolton executed all the workers who did it. Why? It shows no narrative purpose other than to continue to show that Roose is a huge dick.
At the great feast table, Ramsay and his new bridge Fake Arya / Jeyne are at the center, with Roose Bolton close by. Theon sits in a far corner, next to Lady Dustin. People spit at him as the walks by. People point and laugh and scorn him. He knows he deserves it. After everything that Ramsay has done to him, such insults are like nothing to him.
Suddenly, the huge whale of a man, Lord Wyman Manderly stands up. It takes him a solid minute to do so though.
Lord Manderly: AHH!!! A toast everyone! A toast! But not a toast of alcohol! A TOAST OF FOOD! MMmmmm! FOOD! That is what I have brought as a gift!
Guy in Back of Great Hall: *shouting* It’s not a gift if you plan to eat it all yourself, fatass!
Crowd: *mild laughter*
Lord Manderly: Anyway, I have baked THREE GREAT PIES to celebrate this feast. The most delicious pies you’ll have ever tasted! SO GOOD! Have them! Have pieces of them! They’re so good!
His men start to cut up pieces of the three pies, and they are handed out to everyone. Bigger slices are handed out to the Freys in attendance.
Little Walder: Mmm! This tastes really good. What is this? A pork pie? I thought your fat ass only liked eel pies.
Lord Manderly: OH. “Pork,” huh? No! No! A special type of eel! Yes, more delicious eel pies from rare, expensive, luxurious species of eels. These eels are especially slippery. They are the slimiest, most disgusting of all slippery eels! Yet when you kill them and slowly tear their flesh off while they are still alive, hearing their screams of pain… IT MAKES THEM TASTE SO MUCH BETTER!
Big Walder: Strange. I’ve never heard of any types of eels like that. What are their exact species names?
Lord Manderly: Uhh… uhh… *shifty eyes*… well the three pies are made from three different types of rare eels! The first is a Freshwater Eel known as Anguilla Rhaegaria. The next is a maritime species known as Congrinae Symondus. And the final one is another marine species, Gorgasia Jaredica. All are well renowned for being hideous, monstrous, remorseless, murderous beasts while alive. However, if you viciously kill them… they become so succulent, so delicious!
Aenys Frey: Mmm, this eel pie is really good. I swear it tastes like pork though. You know who would really love this pie? My son, Rhaegar Frey. Too bad he went missing, along with my younger half-brothers, Jared and Symond, while traveling with Lord Manderly not that long ago.
Hosteen Frey: You said it, Anus!
Aenys: AH-KNEES! It’s pronounced, “AH-KNEES!”
Manderly sits down after helping to serve pieces to everyone, and starts to dig into the eel pies himself.
Lord Manderly: MMM! SO GOOD! OMG, these are the BEST PIES I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! I love food, everyone knows this. But this is the GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE. IT TASTES SO GOOD. SO. GOOD.
Roose raises his eyebrow quizzically, but then starts to eat some of the pie too.
Lady Dustin: Ugh, look at this guy. Craven to the bone. A total coward! The Freys murdered his family, and here he is pretending nothing happened and serving them pie. I bet he’d love to kill them all.
Theon: Really? Maybe you should tell Lord Bolton of your concern.
Lady Dustin: Oh come on, Roose knows. Just look. The one person who wasn’t eating the pie was Roose. See him watching Lord Manderly? Roose will not eat anything that Wyman Manderly does not eat, nor take a sip from any beverage that the fat lord of White Harbor does not drink.
Theon: Damn, you’re right.
Lady Dustin: Roose thinks of everyone as his “playthings” to toy with. That’s where his sick fuck of a son Ramsay probably got it from. He probably wants to become the King of the North himself one day, after he defeats Stannis. He’ll murder Manderly soon enough. Anyone who stands in his way dies.
Theon: Are you worried that Roose might think you stand in his way?
Lady Dustin: Heh. You’re smarter than you look, dipshit. I could be a thorn in his side if I choose to be. That why he’s taking great pains to make sure I’m on his side.
A group of Maesters then enter the great hall, and hand a note to Roose.
Lady Dustin: Freaking Maesters. I hate them. Everything is their fault. That whole Tully marriage thing is their fault.
Theon: Wow. Tully marriage? What are you talking about?
Lady Dustin: Don’t worry, I’ll have some more exposition for you about that in your next POV chapter.
Roose stands up and makes an announcement.
Roose: Stannis’s forces have departed Deepwood Motte and are headed this way to us. If you’ll excuse me… I must depart to discuss strategy.
When Roose leaves, a lot of the other Lords start leaving to. One guy who doesn’t want to leave is Lord Manderly, who has drank a TON of booze and is shitfaced.
Lord Manderly: WHY ARE PEOPLE LEAVING? Let’s stay! Stay and celbrate! YOU, bard!
Mance Rayder… uhh… I mean “Abel:” Me?
Lord Manderly: Yes, you! Do you know the song about the Rat Cook? Play it! It’d love to hear that song!
Abel: Oh yeah. You mean the song about the Chef who murders a prince and then BAKED THE PRINCE INTO A PIE AND FEEDS HIM TO HIS OWN FATHER? Then he’s punished by the gods for his deed and transformed into a rat as punishment. Not because he committed murder. Not because he fed a son to his own father. But because he violated the most holy law of all – GUEST RIGHTS, THE SACRED LAWS OF HOSPITALITY WHICH SAY YOU SHOULD NEVER BETRAY OR KILL A MAN INVITED INTO YOUR HOME AND FED.
Aenys Frey: Hahahaha! Yeah! I love that song! Play it! I just wish my son, Rhaegar was here to hear it with me!
He eats more pie.
Abel: Wow. Are we really doing this? Okay then. *whips out Lute*
Lord Manderly’s Helpers: Ugh. Our Lord is drunk. We’ve got to get him out of here. Somebody call for the forklift.
With all of the Lords gone or on their way out, one of Ramsay’s yes-men, Sour Alyn, walks up to Theon.
Sour Alyn: Reek, Ramsay has need of you. It’s time for the bedding ceremony. Ramsay wants you to carry his bride to his bed.
Theon reluctantly gets up and obeys, worried about a trap at every moment. He picks up Jeyne and carries her to Ramsay’s bedchamber. She doesn't look happy about the whole thing.
Ramsay meets him there, waiting, and hands him a knife.
Ramsay: Cut off my bride’s clothes for me.
Theon/Reek: Oh wow, giving me a knife, huh? That’s a real level of trust.
But in Ramsay’s presence, Theon is no longer Theon. He cowers back into Reek, too afraid to do anything. He cuts off Jeyne’s clothes, as commanded. Although he briefly thinks about maybe cutting Jeyne’s throat to end her suffering.
Ramsay: Okay, now that Arya is naked I’m ready to go… no… no wait. I think she needs to be moist down there, first, if you know what I mean. REEK!
Reek: Y-yes, L-Lord Ramsay?
Ramsay: Get working on that.
Reek: Y-you mean you want me to go get some KY?
Ramsay: No. You know EXACTLY what I mean.
Jeyne: Wow, these books are EVEN WORSE than the show.
Theon has been assigned to escort Ramsey’s bride, Arya Stark (really Sansa’s old friend, Jeyne Poole), down the aisle. As the ward of the Starks, who are now all presumed dead, Then Greyjoy is the closest thing to Arya’s “family” that she has left to give her away. Which is messed up in a whole lot of ways beyond the fact that Arya isn’t even Arya.
Jeyne Poole: Please! No! I don’t want to marry this Ramsay Bolton guy. They say he’s the worst. They say he’s a cruel monster.
Reek/Theon: Y-y-you musn’t say such things, Arya. You must make sure to never anger him. So long as you please him, you will be fine.
Jeyne: Ugh. Nooooo! I’m not Arya, and I don’t want to marry him.
Reek/Theon: NO! You ARE Arya! You must never forget that. You never know who is listening. You must ALWAYS be Arya now.
Jeyne: Help me, Theon. Help me escape and run away with me! I swear I’ll be forever grateful to you. I could be your wife instead. I mean you’re no Beric Dondarrian or anything, but you’ll do.
Reek/Theon: Oh yeah, Jeyne had a crush on Beric. That’s so weird and I forgot all about it. But no. I can’t run away with you. There is no escape. Ramsay will find us… and when he does…
Theon shudders at the thought. He thinks back to Roose’s promise that once Theon goes through with this, he will have his titles restored to him and could take his father’s throne. But Theon knows the truth. He is just a pawn that the Boltons are using to make this wedding ceremony look more legitimate. If Theon says this girl is Arya… then people who have doubts will believe it. After all, he grew up with Arya and would know. Theon knows that Bran and Rickon are still alive because he didn’t kill them… but nobody else knows that, leaving him as the and only choice left to ID Arya. Some of these other lords and ladies had seen Ned Stark’s little runt girl before, but only half payed attention to her. Theon is key to shutting people up. But Theon knows that as soon as he has played his part, he is of no more use to Roose. Roose won’t keep his promise. He’ll let Ramsay go back to torturing him.
Reek/Theon: Basically, the best hope I have is if Stannis attacks and kills everyone, including me.
Theon takes Jeyne through the ruins of Winterfell to the weirwood trees in the godswood. There, Ramsay Bolton is waiting. Theon finds the whole thing super eerie, considering that he grew up with everyone here, then betrayed them, and watched this place burn down when Ramsay attacked it. The place is full of a thick mist and foreboding ravens. They were once Maester Luwin’s ravens. But now Luwin is dead and his tower burned down. Yet the ravens remain. This is all his fault.
Raven: Corn.
Theon presents Jeyne to Ramsay.
Ramsay: Who goes here?
Theon: It is Arya of House Stark, who comes here as a woman flowered to be married. And who are you?
Ramsay: Ramsay of House Bolton, who comes to claim the bride. And who is this who brings her to me?
Theon: Theon of House Greyjoy, the Ward of Ned Stark. Lady Arya… do you take this man?
“Arya” looks worriedly at Theon. Theon knows she’s not Arya. She’s Jeyne. It rhymes with “pain.” Just like he’s Reek that rhymes with “WWF Star The Iron Shiek.”
Half of Theon hopes that Jeyne screams out “no!” and reveals to everyone that she’s not Arya. How isn’t this obvious to everyone? Jeyne has brown eyes. Arya had grey eyes. DUH. Maybe Ramsay will be so angry that he’ll kill them both right there instantly, rather than slowly torture him.
Jeyne: Yes, I take him man.
Well, so much for that.
Ramsay: And I take this woman.
Sooooo, that was a pretty short ceremony. They all depart. For a moment as they walk away, Theon hears what he thinks is his name being called by the trees. The trees seem to say “Theon,” not Reek. But it’s probably just the wind, so he brushes it off.
Bran: Or maybe it’s me talking through trees again, reminding Theon who he really is.
Yes, that’s possible too.
Bran: A good man.
Well, let's not get carried away, Bran.
Theon/Reek walks away to avoid dealing with people, but randomly bumps into a guy.
*bump*
Guy: Oh, excuse me. My name is Abel, I’m a singer who heard about the Wedding here and came to play. I’ve brought with me SIX groupies, because I’m sort of a big deal.
Theon: How are you a big deal if I’ve never heard of you? Also, those groupies sort of look like Wildling spearwives.
Groupie: HOW DARE YOU! Take that insult back or I’ll slit your neck just like I was trained to do as a wildling spearwife! Trust me, Mance can vouch for that!
“Abel:” Shhhh!!!! SHHHHH!!!! Come on now, “Groupie,” everything will be fine. Me, a random singer named “Abel,” and my six groupies are just here for the wedding. I am definitely not Mance Rayder, here to spy on things.
Theon/Reek: Uhh… whatever.
The wedding feast is held soon after in the Great Hall of Winterfell. This Hall too was burned down, bust most of it has been quickly patched up for the wedding by the Boltons, to make Winterfell look at least a tiny bit like the great city fortress it once was. Of course, as soon as the hall was patched up, Roose Bolton executed all the workers who did it. Why? It shows no narrative purpose other than to continue to show that Roose is a huge dick.
At the great feast table, Ramsay and his new bridge Fake Arya / Jeyne are at the center, with Roose Bolton close by. Theon sits in a far corner, next to Lady Dustin. People spit at him as the walks by. People point and laugh and scorn him. He knows he deserves it. After everything that Ramsay has done to him, such insults are like nothing to him.
Suddenly, the huge whale of a man, Lord Wyman Manderly stands up. It takes him a solid minute to do so though.
Lord Manderly: AHH!!! A toast everyone! A toast! But not a toast of alcohol! A TOAST OF FOOD! MMmmmm! FOOD! That is what I have brought as a gift!
Guy in Back of Great Hall: *shouting* It’s not a gift if you plan to eat it all yourself, fatass!
Crowd: *mild laughter*
Lord Manderly: Anyway, I have baked THREE GREAT PIES to celebrate this feast. The most delicious pies you’ll have ever tasted! SO GOOD! Have them! Have pieces of them! They’re so good!
His men start to cut up pieces of the three pies, and they are handed out to everyone. Bigger slices are handed out to the Freys in attendance.
Little Walder: Mmm! This tastes really good. What is this? A pork pie? I thought your fat ass only liked eel pies.
Lord Manderly: OH. “Pork,” huh? No! No! A special type of eel! Yes, more delicious eel pies from rare, expensive, luxurious species of eels. These eels are especially slippery. They are the slimiest, most disgusting of all slippery eels! Yet when you kill them and slowly tear their flesh off while they are still alive, hearing their screams of pain… IT MAKES THEM TASTE SO MUCH BETTER!
Big Walder: Strange. I’ve never heard of any types of eels like that. What are their exact species names?
Lord Manderly: Uhh… uhh… *shifty eyes*… well the three pies are made from three different types of rare eels! The first is a Freshwater Eel known as Anguilla Rhaegaria. The next is a maritime species known as Congrinae Symondus. And the final one is another marine species, Gorgasia Jaredica. All are well renowned for being hideous, monstrous, remorseless, murderous beasts while alive. However, if you viciously kill them… they become so succulent, so delicious!
Aenys Frey: Mmm, this eel pie is really good. I swear it tastes like pork though. You know who would really love this pie? My son, Rhaegar Frey. Too bad he went missing, along with my younger half-brothers, Jared and Symond, while traveling with Lord Manderly not that long ago.
Hosteen Frey: You said it, Anus!
Aenys: AH-KNEES! It’s pronounced, “AH-KNEES!”
Manderly sits down after helping to serve pieces to everyone, and starts to dig into the eel pies himself.
Lord Manderly: MMM! SO GOOD! OMG, these are the BEST PIES I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! I love food, everyone knows this. But this is the GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE. IT TASTES SO GOOD. SO. GOOD.
Roose raises his eyebrow quizzically, but then starts to eat some of the pie too.
Lady Dustin: Ugh, look at this guy. Craven to the bone. A total coward! The Freys murdered his family, and here he is pretending nothing happened and serving them pie. I bet he’d love to kill them all.
Theon: Really? Maybe you should tell Lord Bolton of your concern.
Lady Dustin: Oh come on, Roose knows. Just look. The one person who wasn’t eating the pie was Roose. See him watching Lord Manderly? Roose will not eat anything that Wyman Manderly does not eat, nor take a sip from any beverage that the fat lord of White Harbor does not drink.
Theon: Damn, you’re right.
Lady Dustin: Roose thinks of everyone as his “playthings” to toy with. That’s where his sick fuck of a son Ramsay probably got it from. He probably wants to become the King of the North himself one day, after he defeats Stannis. He’ll murder Manderly soon enough. Anyone who stands in his way dies.
Theon: Are you worried that Roose might think you stand in his way?
Lady Dustin: Heh. You’re smarter than you look, dipshit. I could be a thorn in his side if I choose to be. That why he’s taking great pains to make sure I’m on his side.
A group of Maesters then enter the great hall, and hand a note to Roose.
Lady Dustin: Freaking Maesters. I hate them. Everything is their fault. That whole Tully marriage thing is their fault.
Theon: Wow. Tully marriage? What are you talking about?
Lady Dustin: Don’t worry, I’ll have some more exposition for you about that in your next POV chapter.
Roose stands up and makes an announcement.
Roose: Stannis’s forces have departed Deepwood Motte and are headed this way to us. If you’ll excuse me… I must depart to discuss strategy.
When Roose leaves, a lot of the other Lords start leaving to. One guy who doesn’t want to leave is Lord Manderly, who has drank a TON of booze and is shitfaced.
Lord Manderly: WHY ARE PEOPLE LEAVING? Let’s stay! Stay and celbrate! YOU, bard!
Mance Rayder… uhh… I mean “Abel:” Me?
Lord Manderly: Yes, you! Do you know the song about the Rat Cook? Play it! It’d love to hear that song!
Abel: Oh yeah. You mean the song about the Chef who murders a prince and then BAKED THE PRINCE INTO A PIE AND FEEDS HIM TO HIS OWN FATHER? Then he’s punished by the gods for his deed and transformed into a rat as punishment. Not because he committed murder. Not because he fed a son to his own father. But because he violated the most holy law of all – GUEST RIGHTS, THE SACRED LAWS OF HOSPITALITY WHICH SAY YOU SHOULD NEVER BETRAY OR KILL A MAN INVITED INTO YOUR HOME AND FED.
Aenys Frey: Hahahaha! Yeah! I love that song! Play it! I just wish my son, Rhaegar was here to hear it with me!
He eats more pie.
Abel: Wow. Are we really doing this? Okay then. *whips out Lute*
Lord Manderly’s Helpers: Ugh. Our Lord is drunk. We’ve got to get him out of here. Somebody call for the forklift.
With all of the Lords gone or on their way out, one of Ramsay’s yes-men, Sour Alyn, walks up to Theon.
Sour Alyn: Reek, Ramsay has need of you. It’s time for the bedding ceremony. Ramsay wants you to carry his bride to his bed.
Theon reluctantly gets up and obeys, worried about a trap at every moment. He picks up Jeyne and carries her to Ramsay’s bedchamber. She doesn't look happy about the whole thing.
Ramsay meets him there, waiting, and hands him a knife.
Ramsay: Cut off my bride’s clothes for me.
Theon/Reek: Oh wow, giving me a knife, huh? That’s a real level of trust.
But in Ramsay’s presence, Theon is no longer Theon. He cowers back into Reek, too afraid to do anything. He cuts off Jeyne’s clothes, as commanded. Although he briefly thinks about maybe cutting Jeyne’s throat to end her suffering.
Ramsay: Okay, now that Arya is naked I’m ready to go… no… no wait. I think she needs to be moist down there, first, if you know what I mean. REEK!
Reek: Y-yes, L-Lord Ramsay?
Ramsay: Get working on that.
Reek: Y-you mean you want me to go get some KY?
Ramsay: No. You know EXACTLY what I mean.
Jeyne: Wow, these books are EVEN WORSE than the show.
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