Tyrion has finally given in to Sharkleberry Fin’s constant requests for him to ride him and perform all sorts of stunts and tricks to entertain the crew of the PERFUMED SENESCHAL ship. Morale has been low as they’ve crossing the sea and have had no wind at all. Which has prevented much movement and brought their voyage to a grinding halt.
Anyway, the crew seems to be mildly amused by their antics.
Sharkleberry Fin jumps out of the water with Tyrion on his back.
Sharkleberry Fin: TASTES SO HIP…
Tyrion: It’ll make you FLIP!
The pink, shades-wearing shark does a bunch of backflips while levitating in the middle of the air, before splashing back into the sea. The sea suddenly turns into a pink Kool-Aid flavor that gets into everyone’s mouth.
Crewman: Mmm. Tates… sort of like… fruit… kind of.
Other Crewman: Yeah. Mainly tastes like chemicals and sugar. But yeah. Fruit-like chemicals.
Sharkleberry Fin: I prefer the term “artificial flavors.” It sounds much better than “chemicals.” Any time someone says “chemicals” it’s MAKO-ing me CRAZY!
Crewman: That pun was a stretch.
Tyrion: I agree. Not that good at all.
Other Crewman: Still better than any shit like jousting on pigs with another dwarf though. So carry on, pink shark.
Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!
Jorah: This is disgraceful, Tyrion. Don’t think that doing these little shows with the shark will make Dany like you any more. She’ll still make you answer for your crimes.
Tyrion: Oh, and how do you think she’ll treat YOU?
Jorah: Huh?
Tyrion: Do you really think I believe that you’re on good terms with your beloved queen? It seems to me like I ran into you while you were in EXILE away from her. Obviously she figured out about you and your spying for Varys and King Robert back in the day. Or else you’d still be with her now. Not in a whorehouse. You REALLY think that bringing me to her will win you some sort of award? That she’ll let you back into her company? If you ask me, it’s more likely she’ll execute YOU for coming back. Not me.
Jorah: Shut up.
Tyrion: And who knows what she’ll say after I tell her that I found a silver-haired whore that looked just like her sitting in your lap. You obviously have some stuff to work out, Jorah.
Jorah: Oh for fuck’s sake, I can’t listen to any more of this.
Jorah pistol-whips Tyrion on the back of the head, and Tyrion passes out for several hours.
When he eventually wakes up, with a knot on his head…
Tyrion: Ow! What the hell? How did that dude pistol whip me? Pistols haven’t even been invented yet.
Sharkleberry Fin: What about a SHARK-uebus?
Tyrion: Say what now?
Sharkleberry Fin: Sorry, it was meant to be a pun on “arquebus.” It’s a forerunner of the modern rifle. Maybe the closest thing to a gun that this time period might have.
Tyrion: Hrm. Well since this “time period” is a fictional universe, it’s hard to say. It is loosely based on the War of the Roses, the 15th century English conflict. The arquebus also appeared in Europe in the 15th Century, which would mean that the same sort of Late Middle Age society in which this fictional society is inspired by would also have been at least contemporary to use of early firearms in war. Still, I don’t feel like any form of guns have ever been mentioned in this series. And we already have dragons and shit, so why also have guns?
Sharkleberry Fin: Hey, why did Jorah hit you anyway? That was not FIN-tastic at all.
Tyrion: Why did he hit me? For love.
Sharkleberry Fin: Huh?
Tyrion: Don’t worry about it. Never fall in love, Sharkleberry Fin. Love is madness.
Sharkleberry Fin: But I’m already in love! With the taste of my delicious Kool-Aid flavor!
Tyrion: Ugh. Why do I bother?
But after a long time with no wind, finally the winds to pick up.
Tyrion: Well that’s good, right?
Moqorro: Not really. Look at that.
He points to a HUGE storm in the distance.
Tyrion: Yikes, those clouds are blacker than you, Moqorro.
Moqorro: Dude, if I were not a holy man I would punch the shit out of your racist dwarf ass right now.
Tyrion: Sorry. It’s how I was raised. I’ll try to do better. Anyway, I guess this is what the Widow meant when she said we’d never reach Qarth, huh? This storm will divert all ships and we’ll have to sail to Meereen instead.
Moqorro: Really? HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. I can’t believe you actually keep telling yourself that.
The storm comes to them. It’s terrible. It last for hours and hours. Below deck, everyone is sick and vomiting everywhere. Tyrion closes his eyes for a minute. When he opens them again, Sharkleberry Fin is right at his face.
Tyrion: AGH!!! What the hell, dude? Are you trying to kiss me? Sorry, shark. I’m not into you that way. I’m… ermm… married, to my dear wife Sansa. I could never betray her.
Sharkleberry Fin: WHAT?! Kiss? No! I was trying to eat you. But you caught me.
Tyrion: Why the hell would you try to eat me?! I thought we were bros now!
Sharkleberry Fin: Yeah right. That’s what I thought too. But then one of these crew members said that you were my “chum.”
Tyrion: …
Sharkleberry Fin: …
Tyrion: …
Sharkleberry Fin: …
Storm: *destroys half of the ship*
Tyrion: You did that whole thing just to set up that lame chum pun?
Sharkleberry Fin: It wasn’t a LAME pun. It was a FIN-TASTIC pun!
Suddenly the storm stops.
Tyrion: Oh, we must be in the eye of the storm now, where it’s calm. I better go above deck and run away from all these damn puns.
Tyrion goes up. The storm immediately comes back.
Tyrion: Well that was stupid. But then again, that's how an eye of a storm works.
The mast of the ship is broken apart by the winds. Thousands of huge splinters shoot out in every direction, impaling or seriously wounding almost everyone, Tyrion included.
Tyrion: OWWWW!!! What the hell? I’ve already had part of my ear cut off… my nose cut off… just how many damn horrific, permanent injuries is GRRM going to give me before this book series is done? I can’t possible see how I’ll make it through two more of these damn books.
Moqorro: Well, at least you weren't swept away by a random gust of wind.
The priest is then swept away by a random gust of wind into the ocean.
Sharkleberry Finn: Oh. He dead.
Tyrion: Well, at least I don’t have to listen to him preach anymore. He had a prophecy about this whole thing, huh? He knew the storm was coming? Dumbass. Well, you know what they say. Prophecy is like ordering an inexperienced dominatrix. Sure, it costs less and you’ll save some gold… until you choke to death because she doesn’t understand the concept of a safe word.
Jorah: Who are “they” that says that? Literally NOBODY says that, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Whatever.
Jorah: Besides, you're messing up a great book line about not being able to trust prophecy, which is a really good line which will probably pay off later in the series when all these prophesies don't pan out. Like the Valonqar. Azor Ahai. All that.
Tyrion: Anyway, it’s not like Moqorro was an important character that we needed in order to successfully navigate to Meereen.
Ship Captain: Hey, do any of you feel a sudden breeze?
The Ship Captain is then swept away by a random gust of wind into the oceann.
Tyrion: Well hell. That guy we DID need to successfully navigate to Meereen.
The almost totally wrecked ship, with no sails, drifts aimlessly at sea for several days.
Sharkleberry Fin: Dude, you know you could just jump on my back and I can swim you over to Meereen, right?
Tyrion: CRAP! Why didn’t you tell me that days ago? Well come on, lets get going!
But just as Tyrion tries to mount the pink shark, another ship emerges from the horizon and approaches them.
Tyrion: Oh wait! Maybe that ship will save us! Jorah. Can you see what ship that is? Does it have a name on it?
Jorah: I can’t see a name, but I can smell what the ship is. It’s a slave ship.
Tyrion: What? How can you tell a slave ship just by the smell? That’s crazy talk. Surely it could be something else like—
Sailor from Other Ship: —OH HEY LOOK! IT’S JORAH MORMONT!
Tyrion: Oh wow! What a coincidence! How would guys from another ship randomly know Jor— oh wait. Jorah used to sell slaves. Shit. It’s a slave ship. Well why not? Every other possible terrible thing has happened to me. Guess it’s time to be sold into slavery now.
Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!
Tyrion: NO! It’s REALLY NOT! Bad timing, shark. Bad timing.
Sharkleberry Fin: Sorry. GILL-ty as charged.
Anyway, the crew seems to be mildly amused by their antics.
Sharkleberry Fin jumps out of the water with Tyrion on his back.
Sharkleberry Fin: TASTES SO HIP…
Tyrion: It’ll make you FLIP!
The pink, shades-wearing shark does a bunch of backflips while levitating in the middle of the air, before splashing back into the sea. The sea suddenly turns into a pink Kool-Aid flavor that gets into everyone’s mouth.
Crewman: Mmm. Tates… sort of like… fruit… kind of.
Other Crewman: Yeah. Mainly tastes like chemicals and sugar. But yeah. Fruit-like chemicals.
Sharkleberry Fin: I prefer the term “artificial flavors.” It sounds much better than “chemicals.” Any time someone says “chemicals” it’s MAKO-ing me CRAZY!
Crewman: That pun was a stretch.
Tyrion: I agree. Not that good at all.
Other Crewman: Still better than any shit like jousting on pigs with another dwarf though. So carry on, pink shark.
Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!
Jorah: This is disgraceful, Tyrion. Don’t think that doing these little shows with the shark will make Dany like you any more. She’ll still make you answer for your crimes.
Tyrion: Oh, and how do you think she’ll treat YOU?
Jorah: Huh?
Tyrion: Do you really think I believe that you’re on good terms with your beloved queen? It seems to me like I ran into you while you were in EXILE away from her. Obviously she figured out about you and your spying for Varys and King Robert back in the day. Or else you’d still be with her now. Not in a whorehouse. You REALLY think that bringing me to her will win you some sort of award? That she’ll let you back into her company? If you ask me, it’s more likely she’ll execute YOU for coming back. Not me.
Jorah: Shut up.
Tyrion: And who knows what she’ll say after I tell her that I found a silver-haired whore that looked just like her sitting in your lap. You obviously have some stuff to work out, Jorah.
Jorah: Oh for fuck’s sake, I can’t listen to any more of this.
Jorah pistol-whips Tyrion on the back of the head, and Tyrion passes out for several hours.
When he eventually wakes up, with a knot on his head…
Tyrion: Ow! What the hell? How did that dude pistol whip me? Pistols haven’t even been invented yet.
Sharkleberry Fin: What about a SHARK-uebus?
Tyrion: Say what now?
Sharkleberry Fin: Sorry, it was meant to be a pun on “arquebus.” It’s a forerunner of the modern rifle. Maybe the closest thing to a gun that this time period might have.
Tyrion: Hrm. Well since this “time period” is a fictional universe, it’s hard to say. It is loosely based on the War of the Roses, the 15th century English conflict. The arquebus also appeared in Europe in the 15th Century, which would mean that the same sort of Late Middle Age society in which this fictional society is inspired by would also have been at least contemporary to use of early firearms in war. Still, I don’t feel like any form of guns have ever been mentioned in this series. And we already have dragons and shit, so why also have guns?
Sharkleberry Fin: Hey, why did Jorah hit you anyway? That was not FIN-tastic at all.
Tyrion: Why did he hit me? For love.
Sharkleberry Fin: Huh?
Tyrion: Don’t worry about it. Never fall in love, Sharkleberry Fin. Love is madness.
Sharkleberry Fin: But I’m already in love! With the taste of my delicious Kool-Aid flavor!
Tyrion: Ugh. Why do I bother?
But after a long time with no wind, finally the winds to pick up.
Tyrion: Well that’s good, right?
Moqorro: Not really. Look at that.
He points to a HUGE storm in the distance.
Tyrion: Yikes, those clouds are blacker than you, Moqorro.
Moqorro: Dude, if I were not a holy man I would punch the shit out of your racist dwarf ass right now.
Tyrion: Sorry. It’s how I was raised. I’ll try to do better. Anyway, I guess this is what the Widow meant when she said we’d never reach Qarth, huh? This storm will divert all ships and we’ll have to sail to Meereen instead.
Moqorro: Really? HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. I can’t believe you actually keep telling yourself that.
The storm comes to them. It’s terrible. It last for hours and hours. Below deck, everyone is sick and vomiting everywhere. Tyrion closes his eyes for a minute. When he opens them again, Sharkleberry Fin is right at his face.
Tyrion: AGH!!! What the hell, dude? Are you trying to kiss me? Sorry, shark. I’m not into you that way. I’m… ermm… married, to my dear wife Sansa. I could never betray her.
Sharkleberry Fin: WHAT?! Kiss? No! I was trying to eat you. But you caught me.
Tyrion: Why the hell would you try to eat me?! I thought we were bros now!
Sharkleberry Fin: Yeah right. That’s what I thought too. But then one of these crew members said that you were my “chum.”
Tyrion: …
Sharkleberry Fin: …
Tyrion: …
Sharkleberry Fin: …
Storm: *destroys half of the ship*
Tyrion: You did that whole thing just to set up that lame chum pun?
Sharkleberry Fin: It wasn’t a LAME pun. It was a FIN-TASTIC pun!
Suddenly the storm stops.
Tyrion: Oh, we must be in the eye of the storm now, where it’s calm. I better go above deck and run away from all these damn puns.
Tyrion goes up. The storm immediately comes back.
Tyrion: Well that was stupid. But then again, that's how an eye of a storm works.
The mast of the ship is broken apart by the winds. Thousands of huge splinters shoot out in every direction, impaling or seriously wounding almost everyone, Tyrion included.
Tyrion: OWWWW!!! What the hell? I’ve already had part of my ear cut off… my nose cut off… just how many damn horrific, permanent injuries is GRRM going to give me before this book series is done? I can’t possible see how I’ll make it through two more of these damn books.
Moqorro: Well, at least you weren't swept away by a random gust of wind.
The priest is then swept away by a random gust of wind into the ocean.
Sharkleberry Finn: Oh. He dead.
Tyrion: Well, at least I don’t have to listen to him preach anymore. He had a prophecy about this whole thing, huh? He knew the storm was coming? Dumbass. Well, you know what they say. Prophecy is like ordering an inexperienced dominatrix. Sure, it costs less and you’ll save some gold… until you choke to death because she doesn’t understand the concept of a safe word.
Jorah: Who are “they” that says that? Literally NOBODY says that, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Whatever.
Jorah: Besides, you're messing up a great book line about not being able to trust prophecy, which is a really good line which will probably pay off later in the series when all these prophesies don't pan out. Like the Valonqar. Azor Ahai. All that.
Tyrion: Anyway, it’s not like Moqorro was an important character that we needed in order to successfully navigate to Meereen.
Ship Captain: Hey, do any of you feel a sudden breeze?
The Ship Captain is then swept away by a random gust of wind into the oceann.
Tyrion: Well hell. That guy we DID need to successfully navigate to Meereen.
The almost totally wrecked ship, with no sails, drifts aimlessly at sea for several days.
Sharkleberry Fin: Dude, you know you could just jump on my back and I can swim you over to Meereen, right?
Tyrion: CRAP! Why didn’t you tell me that days ago? Well come on, lets get going!
But just as Tyrion tries to mount the pink shark, another ship emerges from the horizon and approaches them.
Tyrion: Oh wait! Maybe that ship will save us! Jorah. Can you see what ship that is? Does it have a name on it?
Jorah: I can’t see a name, but I can smell what the ship is. It’s a slave ship.
Tyrion: What? How can you tell a slave ship just by the smell? That’s crazy talk. Surely it could be something else like—
Sailor from Other Ship: —OH HEY LOOK! IT’S JORAH MORMONT!
Tyrion: Oh wow! What a coincidence! How would guys from another ship randomly know Jor— oh wait. Jorah used to sell slaves. Shit. It’s a slave ship. Well why not? Every other possible terrible thing has happened to me. Guess it’s time to be sold into slavery now.
Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!
Tyrion: NO! It’s REALLY NOT! Bad timing, shark. Bad timing.
Sharkleberry Fin: Sorry. GILL-ty as charged.
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