The music plays and the studio audience applauds. Finally, things settle down and Arianne Martell takes her seat.
Arianne: Hey everyone, it’s me! Arianne Martell, the best character not actually featured in HBO’s show, “Game of Thrones.” Well, it’s Noon East Coast time and the last episode of HBO’s show will be airing later tonight. I guess we should use this as a time to reflect on the show, as well as talk about some predictions for the final episode. So how about I bring out my special guests?
Audience: YES! WE WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH!
Arianne: Please welcome… joining me in studio today… is EVERY POV Character from the books! Here are… Lord Eddard Stark, Lady Catelyn Stark, Daenerys Targaryen, Tyrion Lannister, Jon Snow, Bran Stark, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Theon Greyjoy, Davos Seaworth, Jaime Lannister, Samwell Tarly, Cersei Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Aeron Greyjoy, Victarion Greyjoy, Asha Greyjoy, Areo Hotah, Arys Oakheart, Quentyn Martell, Barristan Selmy, Jon Connington, and Melisandre! Myself too, of course!
The audience goes wild as it takes all these characters a ton of time to sit down in the chairs in the studio.
Barristan Selmy: Wow, I didn’t even know I was a POV character.
Arianne: Oh, you’re not yet. You will be soon though. Just wait a few chapters, okay? After Dany flies off on Drogon later in this book, GRRM will need someone to explain what’s going on in Meereen.
Cersei Lannister: Ugh. Spoilers! *rolls eyes*
Jon Snow: Hey… aren’t there some folks missing? Like the Prologue and Epilogue POV characters?
Arianne: Ah, it looks like you do know something after all, Jon Snow!
The audience laughs.
Arianne: You’re of course referring to Will, Ranger of the Night’s Watch; Maester Cressen;
Chett, Steward of the Night’s Watch; Merrett Frey, 9th son of Walder Frey; Pate, Novice at the Citadel; Varamyr, Skinchanger; and the epilogue closer for this book that we haven’t seen yet… none other than Lord Regent, Kevan Lannister.
The audience cheers, expecting some surprise appearance for those characters as well.
Arianne: Well, you won’t see any of them because they’re boring and lame.
Audience: Oh. You have a point though.
Arianne: And you know what? Let’s… um… let’s kick out fucking Areo Hotah too. That guy is such a fucking creeper. Always staring at me. Gawking.
Areo Hotah: But my princess! I love you! All I wish to do is protect you.
Arianne: Dude, you probably have an altar to me on your wall and it’s making me a bit uncomfortable. And while we’re at it… let’s get fucking Aeron and Victarion Greyjoy out of here too because they are just the lamest fucking characters ever.
Armed members of the Kingsguard come in and take Areo, Aeron and Victarion away. Melisandre and Arys Oakheart both look at each other nervously, knowing that each of them only had one POV chapter themselves and are therefore basically on the same level as the Prologue and Epilogue guys.
Arianne: Oh no, don’t worry. You two are safe. Mel, you kick ass and are a great character. And Arys… well… I do sort of feel bad about tricking you with sex and getting you killed. A woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do, right?
Audience: YOU TELL HIM, SISTER!
Arianne: Haha, anyway. First thing is first. A big hello back to all of our dead characters! It’s great to see you again. NED!
Ned Stark: It’s great to be here, Arianne. Geez, it feels like it’s been forever since Book 1, hasn’t it?
Arianne: Yeah. Wow. I mean you had 15 POV chapters. You were absolutely the hero and main character. And then…? BAM! But enough about the books. How about the show?
Ned Stark: Well, back when I was on the show, the books and the show were nearly identical. So my story is pretty much the same in both.
Arianne: True. It’s sort of fucked up that you lied to your wife about Jon Snow’s identity, isn’t it? She sort of distrusted you and hated Jon his whole life. Don’t you think you could have just told her the truth?
Ned Stark: Well, as we saw from some of the final episodes, it’s possible that she might have that “snitch” gene in her DNA. That could be where Sansa got it from.
Sansa: HEY!!!!!!
Arianne: And speaking of your Lady wife… CAT! What the hell is happening?
Lady Stoneheart: *gurgles blood*
Arianne: Oh, no… no, please. Can you just revert back to Cat Stark for this segment? I don’t know if I can handle the blood gurgling thing.
Cat: Okay, cool.
Arianne: That Red Wedding. So fucked up, right?
Cat: Robb was such a dumbass, wasn’t he?
The audience laughs. Robb Stark was a dumbass.
Arianne: And our LAST dead-in-the-books character (who is not a throwaway Prologue or Epilogue character) is of course my younger brother, Quentyn. Hey bro!
Quentyn: Wait… WHAT?! What do you mean I’m dead in the books?
Arianne: Oh… uhh… damn. I’m getting a little ahead of myself, aren’t I? That’s still a few chapters away.
Quentyn: I… I… erm… AGGHH!!!!
He freaks out and runs away.
Arianne: Hahaha, yeah. That seems like my worthless brother. Just wait to see how fast his ass runs around when he’s being incinerated by a dragon.
Audience laughter.
Arianne: But then again, sometimes dragons burning people to death is no laughing matter. So let’s now talk to Season 8, Episode 5’s biggest villain… the mistress of the face-heel turn, the Mad Queen herself… Daenerys Targaryen!
Audience: BOOOOO! BOOO!!! WE TRUSTED YOU! SOME OF US NAMED OUR CHILDREN “KHALEESI!”
Dany: Yeah, sorry about that. But you shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve always been going in that direction.
Arianne: So, incinerating civilians now, isn’t it?
Dany: I guess.
Arianne: Are you pretty confident that this is where you’ll be heading in the books too?
Dany: Maybe. But it will probably be executed better. The books are simply better at having characters with “shades of gray” for their personalities, while the show makes people strictly “good” or “evil.” So when someone flips from one side to the other, it’s really drastic-seeming. I assume it the books my story progression will be handled a little better, especially because I’m a POV character and you can see what’s going on in my mind.
Arianne: Of course, you’re assuming the books will actually ever be finished.
Audience: HAHAHA! SO TRUE!
Dany: Yeah, right Arianne. Gosh I hope they are.
Arianne: Anyway Dany, I’ll get back to you in a minute. Let’s talk about a few more Season 8 deaths. Jaime and Cersei. How are you two doing after last week’s episode?
Jaime: Eh. You know, the books have really been going in a different direction for us than the show. So who knows how close our stories will be to the books. I mean I guess it’s good that we died together.
Cersei: Yeah, and I’m sure a lot of people are disappointed about the “Valonqar” theory stuff not panning out like they had hoped. Although to be fair to the show, that was a book-only prophecy. So you can’t really say the show failed to fulfil the prophecy because it didn’t exist in the show.
Arianne: Good points. Theon, you recently died on the show too. How fucked up is it that you get a redemption story where everyone loves you now after all that horrible shit you did in Book and Season 2… and yet now everyone fucking hates Dany after she freed a million slaves?
Theon: I suppose it’s pretty fucked up. But then again I didn’t slaughter an entire city. Well. Actually. I sort of did a little with Winterfell. But it’s a much smaller city, so there’s that.
Arianne: Barristan! You’ve been dead for what seems like FOREVER in the show. But you’re still alive and kicking in the books. What’s up with you?
Barristan: Eh, well it sucked sort of dying early. But then again in the books Dany does have like 4,000 assistants and characters around her. I can see why they slimmed that down and streamlined it for the show. I assume in the books I’m going to fulfil some of the roles that folks like Varys, Tyrion, Grey Worm, and the aged-up Missandei play in the show. Or maybe I’ll just die soon anyways. Who knows?
Arianne: Indeed. Now to talk to a guy like me who missed the TV show cut, Jon Connington! HEY BUDDY! How’s it going?
Jon Connington: Uh, fine I guess. Although like you say, I’m not that emotionally invested in the show because I’m not even in it.
Arianne: They give a lot of your story Mojo from the books to Jorah Mormont. But your main schtick is all that stuff with Young Griff, AKA maybe Aegon Targaryen and the Golden Company. If all the theories about the Golden Company in the books are correct… about Aegon really perhaps being a Blackfyre… wouldn’t that be cool?
Jon Connington: I suppose so. At least the Golden Company would do something in the books. In the show they just… well…
Arianne: Indeed. That was sort of a big letdown, huh?
Cersei: You’re telling me!
The audience laughs.
Dany: Hahaha, sorry. I mean it’s not that hard to predict what would happen there, right? My awesome dragons versus some sellswords on horses?
Arianne: Okay, okay. So we’re doing this blog on the night of the final episode. Let’s cut to the chase. Theories. What do we think is going to happen? Jon… are you the Prince that was Promised or what?
Jon Snow: I dunno. If you divide the books as written so far up chapter-wise, I have the second most chapters after Tyrion. So I’m obviously pretty important.
Arianne: That’s right. Including the 5 published books and the 11 known The Winds of Winter chapters, Tyrion has 49 POV chapters, and you have 42. Rounding out the top 10 are Arya, Dany, Cat, Sansa, Bran, Jaime, Ned and Theon. So are you going to kill Dany or what?
Jon Snow: I dunno. I mean how would I even do that? I mean I obviously could. I could get close to her and just stab her with Longclaw. But then I’d immediately be dead after that. She’s still got Grey Worm with her. And did you see his face in that battle? He was all about committing war crimes against surrendering soldiers. She’s got Dothraki left too. And Drogon is still there. I would be so dead.
Arianne: So is that the ending? You kill her and get killed too? You make a sacrifice for the greater good?
Jon Snow: Guess we’ll have to see. Or somehow I get away. Don’t know how though.
Bran: Maybe I can warg into Drogon and then use him to burn everyone else to death. Then inside of Drogon I just, like, fly myself into a volcano or something and kill myself.
Arianne: Hrm. That would neatly get rid of Dany and all her armies quickly. But I just don’t see that happening. For one it would mean you’d have to do something useful in the show, rather than just sitting there and rolling your eyes back and being a creepy motherfucker who just quotes epic past quotes from the show.
Bran: Yeah, that’s true I guess. And I suppose if I could warg into Drogon, maybe I should have done that last episode to prevent thousands of innocent civilians from dying.
Arianne: Another good theory is that Arya does the deed and kills Dany, what with her awesome face-swap stuff. HEY ARYA! You haven’t talked yet!
Arya: Just politely waiting my turn, Arianne.
Arianne: So you think you’re going to do it?
Arya: Well. Me or Jon. Those are the most popular theories. I hear about one where I kill Grey Worm fist, take his face, and do it. I’m not sure about that. Seems a little black face-ey.
Arianne: Well, GRRM has been a lot more racist than that in the books. And if Jon gets killed… there is also the theory that you sit on the Iron Throne yourself.
Arya: I don’t really think I’d be interested in that.
Arianne: No, you don’t. So are YOU the Prince that was Promised? Is the catspaw dagger Lightbringer? Is Needle Lightbringer? You did kill the Night King, after all.
Arya: I dunno. The Night King isn’t really in the books. There is the Legendary Night’s King from the past, but it’s just a story and it’s not the same. I think the legend of Azor Ahai ending the Long Night made a lot of show watchers assume that the Prince that was Promised is the person who kills the Night King. Again, it’s one of those confusing and muddling the books and show thing. It would definitely be satisfying for me to kill Dany though. I think that’s pretty likely. I mean does Jon even have the balls to do it himself?
Jon: Hey! Come on, sis!
Arya: Technically we're cousins now.
Jon: True.
Arya: I’m just saying, you’re like dad… “honorable” to a fault that’s so stupid that it will get you killed.
Ned: Yeah, that’s sort of true.
Arya: Jon, you bent the knee to Dany and you’re refusing to betray her. You probably will in the last episode… but when push comes to shove, could you actually stab her to death? You might need me to do it for you.
Arianne: And what about the pale horse you rode out of town on? There is a theory that it was Bran.
Bran: That theory is stupid.
Arianne: I agree. Do you think it intentionally mirrors the pale horse prophecy from the books?
Arya: Probably not. The pale horse thing in the books is clearly just the plague thing in Essos. For this, it’s probably just pale horse = death from the bible. Which is sort of a weird analogy because this is set in a fictional universe that uses a totally different religious system.
Arianne: Well, another person who hasn’t talked is a man we’ve mentioned before as the man with the MOST POV chapters. And that’s despite being left out of an entire book. Given that, he is arguably the main character of the entire book/show. This makes him another viable candidate to be the man who ultimately sits on the Iron Throne. Ladies and gentlemen… TYRION!
They applaud. He’s been sitting there the whole time anyway, but they applaud still.
Tyrion: Thanks Arianne. It’s great to be here.
Arianne: So… what about you on the Iron Throne? Or maybe some combo with you and Sansa? You’re technically legally married. The book series is largely based on the York/Lancaster feud of the War of the Roses, which became the Stark/Lannister feud here. The actual War of the Roses ends with a marriage between the two houses. Maybe you and Sansa could rule together.
Tyrion: Maybe. It seems a bit too neat though. It’s great that I survive to the last episode, but of people remaining to be a final victim of Dany’s newfound cruelty, I’ve got to be a top candidate, right? Me and Davos. I mean how is that guy still alive?
Davos: I'd argue with you, but I can't.
Sansa: Yeah, to follow up on what Tyrion said, I think a lot of people are reading too much into the crypts moment with us. Like we’re really in love or something. I think it was just a nice character moment where we showed some final respect to each other and acknowledged the past.
Arianne: So you think you’re going to die, Tyrion?
Tyrion: I hope not. Although I’d say it’s more likely I’d die than sit on the Iron Throne. I think the show has sort of proven that people are generally terrible and I’d be rejected by them because they see me as a monster based on my physical appearance. When people vilified me in the past, they claimed it was me plotting to have the throne for myself. So I can’t see me actually sitting on the throne as a logical outcome.
Arianne: So no "the dragon has three heads / Tyrion is a secret Targaryen because the Mad King raped Tywin's wife?"
Tyrion: Probably not. At least in the TV show. It's sort of late to pull that now. But who knows in the books?
Arianne: So what about just you alone, Sansa? Your character seems to have evolved from whiny annoying girl to competent manipulator and political player?
Sansa: I’m a little confused as to the “Sansa will sit on the Iron Throne” theory too. I think I’d rather just rule in Winterfell as the lady of Winterfell and disregard the Iron Throne altogether. In fact, maybe that’s the answer. Maybe nobody sits on it and the Seven Kingdoms once again become seven, independent kingdoms.
Arianne: Yeah, that’s another great theory. Maybe the whole story GRRM has been playing with us – “Who will sit on the Iron Throne in the end? Who will win the Game of Thrones?” was all just a red herring and the answer is that NOBODY will sit on the Iron Throne. I like it. Davos, Sam, Brienne, Asha, Arys, Mel. Whattup? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. Do any of you have some thoughts about how the show ends up or your own stories?
Davos: As Tyrion implied, I’m just surprised to even still be alive on the show. Don’t get me wrong or anything, I love that I am. It’s just crazy after everyone else important they’ve killed that I’m still here. Again, maybe like with Tyrion’s thoughts that he could be a goner in the last episode… I could too. Dany kills me and it's sort of the last straw that breaks the camel's back to Jon turning on her. Who knows though? All I know is that I’m pretty sad that Missandei is dead so I can’t be a creeper around her anymore.
Sam: Well, for me... my goodbye with Jon seemed pretty definitive. Which means they’re trying to say “you two will never see each other again.” That means Jon either stays in Kings Landing as king… or he dies. He certainly won’t come back to rule Winterfell, I assume.
Brienne: I’m shockingly still alive too. In the books half of my face has been eaten off by Biter and I’m tricking Jaime into going to get killed by Lady Stoneheart. I really, really, really thought I was going to die in the Battle of Winterfell.
Asha: And I have no idea if I’ll ever be seen again, or if I’m just done. They did mention making Bronn the ruler of Highgarden. Gendry the ruler of Storm’s End. A new ruler of Dorne. Me the ruler of the Iron Isles. Maybe Tyrion having Casterly Rock because his dad was so against it. Sansa at Winterfell. Edmure, if he’s still alive, back at Riverrun? Robin Arryn at the Vale? So maybe they do work in a scene tonight where they have everyone “bend the knee” to the new ruler, whoever that may be. Probably Jon.
Arys Oakheart: I’m just glad to even be included in this panel and not kicked out like the lame Greyjoys and Areo who fucking killed me. Say Arianne, you wanna hook up again tonight? I've missed you.
Arianne: No. Okay, Melisandre?
Mel: I died in a pretty cool way, so I’m good. No idea how all my Azor Ahai prophecy stuff is going to wind up. Will be interesting to see if the Prince that Was Promised or Lightbringer even come up at all.
Arianne: Any final thoughts from around the table? Some last reflections on this TV show because it’s all over. Anything you want to discuss. Any theories or still-open storylines from the show or the books that you’d love to see resolved? Let me start off with my own… the Sand Snakes. What’s up with them? They’re being sent off by my bad on infiltration missions. That’s pretty cool. Would love to see where that winds up in the books. Ned, how about you go next?
Ned: Uh, I mean my family makes up a good chunk of the POVs in the books. Me. Jon. Arya. Sansa. Cat. Bran. Even if the story wasn’t about me, I think the Starks are really the true heros. So I do hope Dany is defeated and the Starks win. I assume that will be what happens, but I’d really like it if more of them don’t die this last episode, or in the books. The independence theory is cool too. The Starks just rule the north independently. That would be totally fine. I don’t need Jon or Sansa to sit on the throne. If Winterfell is free, that's a big enough win.
Arianne: Cat?
Cat: Well, obviously the Lady Stoneheart think remains unresolved. What am I up to? Do I kill Jaime? If I don’t then what could he say or do that would convince me to let him go? Oh yeah… I also got that Tom O Sevens guy who has infiltrated the Freys and is killing them. That’s sort of cool. I do wonder if anything will happen with that. Or my brother Edmure. Where is he? What’s up with him? Did Arya free him from the Freys before she killed them all? I bet it won’t be answered though.
Arianne: Dany?
Dany: Well, it was a good ride. Fuck, I don’t want to die and I know a lot of people are pissed off that I’m the 11th Hour baddie for the last two episodes. But it was a great run, wasn’t it? It would be really cool if I didn’t die. But I think I am. They just made me too irredeemable to save. Which is sort of ironic because the allied powers firebombed innocent civilians in World War II and are still the “good guys” and yet I don’t yet to still be good? Fucked up.
Arianne: Tyrion?
Tyrion: I’m just glad that both the show and this blog left fucking Penny out. Sharkleberry Finn is terrible too, but not as bad as Penny. Also, I hope I live too. By the way. To whoever is sitting on the throne, I will make a great Hand. Or like Asha said, maybe my last F-U to my dad is getting Casterly Rock.
Arianne: Jon?
Jon: I’d like to say that for the books I hope it’s me warging into Ghost after I get stabbed instead of the "Melisandre bringing me back" thing. Me warging into Ghost would be awesome.
Arianne: Bran?
Bran: I am not Bran. I am the Three-Eyed Raven/Crow.
Arianne: Okay, never mind. Forget your ass. Sansa?
Sansa: Yeah… wow. I sure to have a lot I could say. Where the books have left off I’m at a really different place than in the show, so I have no idea what direction I’m going. I’m never married to Ramsay. I’m still with Littlefinger. I just really hope that they’re not setting up that “Lyn Corbray is a pedophile who will rape and kill Robert Arryn” thing like I think they are. And it will be interesting to see what happens with my marriage to Harry the Heir. Is he also terrible and abusive like Ramsay was? What happens to Littlefinger too. There is no way the books do what the TV show did. He's a total creeper towards me and I may end up being involved in killing him similar to the show, but it will be in a different way. Anyway, for the show… I don’t know. I do really want to rule Winterfell and that seems appropriate for me.
Arianne: Arya?
Arya: I just want to kill, like, at least six more people before this show is over. Probably more. Killing people is awesome. Hi Dany!
Arya waves at Dany and Dany flinches.
Arianne: Theon?
Theon: I’m so glad to be dead now. The last several years of my life have sucked.
Arianne: Davos?
Davos: I really wanted to use some of that aphrodisiac, hard dick crab and get it on with Missendei! Haha.
Arianne: Gross.
Davos: But more seriously, my hanging books storyline is now going to Skagos and looking for Rickon. As if anyone cares about non-zig-zaggy Rickon.
Arianne: Jaime?
Jaime: Eh, like Cat said… how do I escape what is, I presume, being led to by death by Brienne to her? On, and the Valonqar stuff too. Do I kill Cersei in the books rather than just hug her while rubble falls?
Arianne: Sam?
Sam: I just want to see if the show ends with me becoming the author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” though, telling the story of the whole thing and writing it down. Oh, and speaking of your Sand Snake cousins… what’s up with Sarella / Alleras? The whole Aemon riddle about the Sphinx and her being called the Sphinx. It seems important. And also what is Jaqen H'ghar doing in the Citadel? All great questions for book-only people. The show won’t address them, but I wanna see.
Arianne: Cersei?
Cersei: *has passed out, drunk on wine*
Arianne: Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised by that. Brienne?
Brienne: The Jaime/me sex thing will TOTALLY not happen in the books. That was absolute fan service. I’m just stating that now. I’m really glad the show didn’t tear off half of my face like the books did though. That was just awful.
Arianne: Asha, Arys, Barristan, Jon, Mel… anything else from any of you?
All of Them: Eh, not really.
Arianne: Well, that was fun. Guess now we just grab some popcorn and see how this fucked up ride goes tonight. We’ll be back on Tuesday with your next regularly scheduled Chapter, A Dance with Dragons 35. And it’s going to be a Dany chapter, by the way.
Dany: OooOoo. So we’re going to probably work in a lot of inside jokes about how the show ends into that blog?
Arianne: Eh. Maybe.
The audience cheers and the credits role. After the credits, Sam Jackson shows up because Sam Jackson always shows up after the credits.
Arianne: Hey everyone, it’s me! Arianne Martell, the best character not actually featured in HBO’s show, “Game of Thrones.” Well, it’s Noon East Coast time and the last episode of HBO’s show will be airing later tonight. I guess we should use this as a time to reflect on the show, as well as talk about some predictions for the final episode. So how about I bring out my special guests?
Audience: YES! WE WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH!
Arianne: Please welcome… joining me in studio today… is EVERY POV Character from the books! Here are… Lord Eddard Stark, Lady Catelyn Stark, Daenerys Targaryen, Tyrion Lannister, Jon Snow, Bran Stark, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Theon Greyjoy, Davos Seaworth, Jaime Lannister, Samwell Tarly, Cersei Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Aeron Greyjoy, Victarion Greyjoy, Asha Greyjoy, Areo Hotah, Arys Oakheart, Quentyn Martell, Barristan Selmy, Jon Connington, and Melisandre! Myself too, of course!
The audience goes wild as it takes all these characters a ton of time to sit down in the chairs in the studio.
Barristan Selmy: Wow, I didn’t even know I was a POV character.
Arianne: Oh, you’re not yet. You will be soon though. Just wait a few chapters, okay? After Dany flies off on Drogon later in this book, GRRM will need someone to explain what’s going on in Meereen.
Cersei Lannister: Ugh. Spoilers! *rolls eyes*
Jon Snow: Hey… aren’t there some folks missing? Like the Prologue and Epilogue POV characters?
Arianne: Ah, it looks like you do know something after all, Jon Snow!
The audience laughs.
Arianne: You’re of course referring to Will, Ranger of the Night’s Watch; Maester Cressen;
Chett, Steward of the Night’s Watch; Merrett Frey, 9th son of Walder Frey; Pate, Novice at the Citadel; Varamyr, Skinchanger; and the epilogue closer for this book that we haven’t seen yet… none other than Lord Regent, Kevan Lannister.
The audience cheers, expecting some surprise appearance for those characters as well.
Arianne: Well, you won’t see any of them because they’re boring and lame.
Audience: Oh. You have a point though.
Arianne: And you know what? Let’s… um… let’s kick out fucking Areo Hotah too. That guy is such a fucking creeper. Always staring at me. Gawking.
Areo Hotah: But my princess! I love you! All I wish to do is protect you.
Arianne: Dude, you probably have an altar to me on your wall and it’s making me a bit uncomfortable. And while we’re at it… let’s get fucking Aeron and Victarion Greyjoy out of here too because they are just the lamest fucking characters ever.
Armed members of the Kingsguard come in and take Areo, Aeron and Victarion away. Melisandre and Arys Oakheart both look at each other nervously, knowing that each of them only had one POV chapter themselves and are therefore basically on the same level as the Prologue and Epilogue guys.
Arianne: Oh no, don’t worry. You two are safe. Mel, you kick ass and are a great character. And Arys… well… I do sort of feel bad about tricking you with sex and getting you killed. A woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do, right?
Audience: YOU TELL HIM, SISTER!
Arianne: Haha, anyway. First thing is first. A big hello back to all of our dead characters! It’s great to see you again. NED!
Ned Stark: It’s great to be here, Arianne. Geez, it feels like it’s been forever since Book 1, hasn’t it?
Arianne: Yeah. Wow. I mean you had 15 POV chapters. You were absolutely the hero and main character. And then…? BAM! But enough about the books. How about the show?
Ned Stark: Well, back when I was on the show, the books and the show were nearly identical. So my story is pretty much the same in both.
Arianne: True. It’s sort of fucked up that you lied to your wife about Jon Snow’s identity, isn’t it? She sort of distrusted you and hated Jon his whole life. Don’t you think you could have just told her the truth?
Ned Stark: Well, as we saw from some of the final episodes, it’s possible that she might have that “snitch” gene in her DNA. That could be where Sansa got it from.
Sansa: HEY!!!!!!
Arianne: And speaking of your Lady wife… CAT! What the hell is happening?
Lady Stoneheart: *gurgles blood*
Arianne: Oh, no… no, please. Can you just revert back to Cat Stark for this segment? I don’t know if I can handle the blood gurgling thing.
Cat: Okay, cool.
Arianne: That Red Wedding. So fucked up, right?
Cat: Robb was such a dumbass, wasn’t he?
The audience laughs. Robb Stark was a dumbass.
Arianne: And our LAST dead-in-the-books character (who is not a throwaway Prologue or Epilogue character) is of course my younger brother, Quentyn. Hey bro!
Quentyn: Wait… WHAT?! What do you mean I’m dead in the books?
Arianne: Oh… uhh… damn. I’m getting a little ahead of myself, aren’t I? That’s still a few chapters away.
Quentyn: I… I… erm… AGGHH!!!!
He freaks out and runs away.
Arianne: Hahaha, yeah. That seems like my worthless brother. Just wait to see how fast his ass runs around when he’s being incinerated by a dragon.
Audience laughter.
Arianne: But then again, sometimes dragons burning people to death is no laughing matter. So let’s now talk to Season 8, Episode 5’s biggest villain… the mistress of the face-heel turn, the Mad Queen herself… Daenerys Targaryen!
Audience: BOOOOO! BOOO!!! WE TRUSTED YOU! SOME OF US NAMED OUR CHILDREN “KHALEESI!”
Dany: Yeah, sorry about that. But you shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve always been going in that direction.
Arianne: So, incinerating civilians now, isn’t it?
Dany: I guess.
Arianne: Are you pretty confident that this is where you’ll be heading in the books too?
Dany: Maybe. But it will probably be executed better. The books are simply better at having characters with “shades of gray” for their personalities, while the show makes people strictly “good” or “evil.” So when someone flips from one side to the other, it’s really drastic-seeming. I assume it the books my story progression will be handled a little better, especially because I’m a POV character and you can see what’s going on in my mind.
Arianne: Of course, you’re assuming the books will actually ever be finished.
Audience: HAHAHA! SO TRUE!
Dany: Yeah, right Arianne. Gosh I hope they are.
Arianne: Anyway Dany, I’ll get back to you in a minute. Let’s talk about a few more Season 8 deaths. Jaime and Cersei. How are you two doing after last week’s episode?
Jaime: Eh. You know, the books have really been going in a different direction for us than the show. So who knows how close our stories will be to the books. I mean I guess it’s good that we died together.
Cersei: Yeah, and I’m sure a lot of people are disappointed about the “Valonqar” theory stuff not panning out like they had hoped. Although to be fair to the show, that was a book-only prophecy. So you can’t really say the show failed to fulfil the prophecy because it didn’t exist in the show.
Arianne: Good points. Theon, you recently died on the show too. How fucked up is it that you get a redemption story where everyone loves you now after all that horrible shit you did in Book and Season 2… and yet now everyone fucking hates Dany after she freed a million slaves?
Theon: I suppose it’s pretty fucked up. But then again I didn’t slaughter an entire city. Well. Actually. I sort of did a little with Winterfell. But it’s a much smaller city, so there’s that.
Arianne: Barristan! You’ve been dead for what seems like FOREVER in the show. But you’re still alive and kicking in the books. What’s up with you?
Barristan: Eh, well it sucked sort of dying early. But then again in the books Dany does have like 4,000 assistants and characters around her. I can see why they slimmed that down and streamlined it for the show. I assume in the books I’m going to fulfil some of the roles that folks like Varys, Tyrion, Grey Worm, and the aged-up Missandei play in the show. Or maybe I’ll just die soon anyways. Who knows?
Arianne: Indeed. Now to talk to a guy like me who missed the TV show cut, Jon Connington! HEY BUDDY! How’s it going?
Jon Connington: Uh, fine I guess. Although like you say, I’m not that emotionally invested in the show because I’m not even in it.
Arianne: They give a lot of your story Mojo from the books to Jorah Mormont. But your main schtick is all that stuff with Young Griff, AKA maybe Aegon Targaryen and the Golden Company. If all the theories about the Golden Company in the books are correct… about Aegon really perhaps being a Blackfyre… wouldn’t that be cool?
Jon Connington: I suppose so. At least the Golden Company would do something in the books. In the show they just… well…
Arianne: Indeed. That was sort of a big letdown, huh?
Cersei: You’re telling me!
The audience laughs.
Dany: Hahaha, sorry. I mean it’s not that hard to predict what would happen there, right? My awesome dragons versus some sellswords on horses?
Arianne: Okay, okay. So we’re doing this blog on the night of the final episode. Let’s cut to the chase. Theories. What do we think is going to happen? Jon… are you the Prince that was Promised or what?
Jon Snow: I dunno. If you divide the books as written so far up chapter-wise, I have the second most chapters after Tyrion. So I’m obviously pretty important.
Arianne: That’s right. Including the 5 published books and the 11 known The Winds of Winter chapters, Tyrion has 49 POV chapters, and you have 42. Rounding out the top 10 are Arya, Dany, Cat, Sansa, Bran, Jaime, Ned and Theon. So are you going to kill Dany or what?
Jon Snow: I dunno. I mean how would I even do that? I mean I obviously could. I could get close to her and just stab her with Longclaw. But then I’d immediately be dead after that. She’s still got Grey Worm with her. And did you see his face in that battle? He was all about committing war crimes against surrendering soldiers. She’s got Dothraki left too. And Drogon is still there. I would be so dead.
Arianne: So is that the ending? You kill her and get killed too? You make a sacrifice for the greater good?
Jon Snow: Guess we’ll have to see. Or somehow I get away. Don’t know how though.
Bran: Maybe I can warg into Drogon and then use him to burn everyone else to death. Then inside of Drogon I just, like, fly myself into a volcano or something and kill myself.
Arianne: Hrm. That would neatly get rid of Dany and all her armies quickly. But I just don’t see that happening. For one it would mean you’d have to do something useful in the show, rather than just sitting there and rolling your eyes back and being a creepy motherfucker who just quotes epic past quotes from the show.
Bran: Yeah, that’s true I guess. And I suppose if I could warg into Drogon, maybe I should have done that last episode to prevent thousands of innocent civilians from dying.
Arianne: Another good theory is that Arya does the deed and kills Dany, what with her awesome face-swap stuff. HEY ARYA! You haven’t talked yet!
Arya: Just politely waiting my turn, Arianne.
Arianne: So you think you’re going to do it?
Arya: Well. Me or Jon. Those are the most popular theories. I hear about one where I kill Grey Worm fist, take his face, and do it. I’m not sure about that. Seems a little black face-ey.
Arianne: Well, GRRM has been a lot more racist than that in the books. And if Jon gets killed… there is also the theory that you sit on the Iron Throne yourself.
Arya: I don’t really think I’d be interested in that.
Arianne: No, you don’t. So are YOU the Prince that was Promised? Is the catspaw dagger Lightbringer? Is Needle Lightbringer? You did kill the Night King, after all.
Arya: I dunno. The Night King isn’t really in the books. There is the Legendary Night’s King from the past, but it’s just a story and it’s not the same. I think the legend of Azor Ahai ending the Long Night made a lot of show watchers assume that the Prince that was Promised is the person who kills the Night King. Again, it’s one of those confusing and muddling the books and show thing. It would definitely be satisfying for me to kill Dany though. I think that’s pretty likely. I mean does Jon even have the balls to do it himself?
Jon: Hey! Come on, sis!
Arya: Technically we're cousins now.
Jon: True.
Arya: I’m just saying, you’re like dad… “honorable” to a fault that’s so stupid that it will get you killed.
Ned: Yeah, that’s sort of true.
Arya: Jon, you bent the knee to Dany and you’re refusing to betray her. You probably will in the last episode… but when push comes to shove, could you actually stab her to death? You might need me to do it for you.
Arianne: And what about the pale horse you rode out of town on? There is a theory that it was Bran.
Bran: That theory is stupid.
Arianne: I agree. Do you think it intentionally mirrors the pale horse prophecy from the books?
Arya: Probably not. The pale horse thing in the books is clearly just the plague thing in Essos. For this, it’s probably just pale horse = death from the bible. Which is sort of a weird analogy because this is set in a fictional universe that uses a totally different religious system.
Arianne: Well, another person who hasn’t talked is a man we’ve mentioned before as the man with the MOST POV chapters. And that’s despite being left out of an entire book. Given that, he is arguably the main character of the entire book/show. This makes him another viable candidate to be the man who ultimately sits on the Iron Throne. Ladies and gentlemen… TYRION!
They applaud. He’s been sitting there the whole time anyway, but they applaud still.
Tyrion: Thanks Arianne. It’s great to be here.
Arianne: So… what about you on the Iron Throne? Or maybe some combo with you and Sansa? You’re technically legally married. The book series is largely based on the York/Lancaster feud of the War of the Roses, which became the Stark/Lannister feud here. The actual War of the Roses ends with a marriage between the two houses. Maybe you and Sansa could rule together.
Tyrion: Maybe. It seems a bit too neat though. It’s great that I survive to the last episode, but of people remaining to be a final victim of Dany’s newfound cruelty, I’ve got to be a top candidate, right? Me and Davos. I mean how is that guy still alive?
Davos: I'd argue with you, but I can't.
Sansa: Yeah, to follow up on what Tyrion said, I think a lot of people are reading too much into the crypts moment with us. Like we’re really in love or something. I think it was just a nice character moment where we showed some final respect to each other and acknowledged the past.
Arianne: So you think you’re going to die, Tyrion?
Tyrion: I hope not. Although I’d say it’s more likely I’d die than sit on the Iron Throne. I think the show has sort of proven that people are generally terrible and I’d be rejected by them because they see me as a monster based on my physical appearance. When people vilified me in the past, they claimed it was me plotting to have the throne for myself. So I can’t see me actually sitting on the throne as a logical outcome.
Arianne: So no "the dragon has three heads / Tyrion is a secret Targaryen because the Mad King raped Tywin's wife?"
Tyrion: Probably not. At least in the TV show. It's sort of late to pull that now. But who knows in the books?
Arianne: So what about just you alone, Sansa? Your character seems to have evolved from whiny annoying girl to competent manipulator and political player?
Sansa: I’m a little confused as to the “Sansa will sit on the Iron Throne” theory too. I think I’d rather just rule in Winterfell as the lady of Winterfell and disregard the Iron Throne altogether. In fact, maybe that’s the answer. Maybe nobody sits on it and the Seven Kingdoms once again become seven, independent kingdoms.
Arianne: Yeah, that’s another great theory. Maybe the whole story GRRM has been playing with us – “Who will sit on the Iron Throne in the end? Who will win the Game of Thrones?” was all just a red herring and the answer is that NOBODY will sit on the Iron Throne. I like it. Davos, Sam, Brienne, Asha, Arys, Mel. Whattup? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. Do any of you have some thoughts about how the show ends up or your own stories?
Davos: As Tyrion implied, I’m just surprised to even still be alive on the show. Don’t get me wrong or anything, I love that I am. It’s just crazy after everyone else important they’ve killed that I’m still here. Again, maybe like with Tyrion’s thoughts that he could be a goner in the last episode… I could too. Dany kills me and it's sort of the last straw that breaks the camel's back to Jon turning on her. Who knows though? All I know is that I’m pretty sad that Missandei is dead so I can’t be a creeper around her anymore.
Sam: Well, for me... my goodbye with Jon seemed pretty definitive. Which means they’re trying to say “you two will never see each other again.” That means Jon either stays in Kings Landing as king… or he dies. He certainly won’t come back to rule Winterfell, I assume.
Brienne: I’m shockingly still alive too. In the books half of my face has been eaten off by Biter and I’m tricking Jaime into going to get killed by Lady Stoneheart. I really, really, really thought I was going to die in the Battle of Winterfell.
Asha: And I have no idea if I’ll ever be seen again, or if I’m just done. They did mention making Bronn the ruler of Highgarden. Gendry the ruler of Storm’s End. A new ruler of Dorne. Me the ruler of the Iron Isles. Maybe Tyrion having Casterly Rock because his dad was so against it. Sansa at Winterfell. Edmure, if he’s still alive, back at Riverrun? Robin Arryn at the Vale? So maybe they do work in a scene tonight where they have everyone “bend the knee” to the new ruler, whoever that may be. Probably Jon.
Arys Oakheart: I’m just glad to even be included in this panel and not kicked out like the lame Greyjoys and Areo who fucking killed me. Say Arianne, you wanna hook up again tonight? I've missed you.
Arianne: No. Okay, Melisandre?
Mel: I died in a pretty cool way, so I’m good. No idea how all my Azor Ahai prophecy stuff is going to wind up. Will be interesting to see if the Prince that Was Promised or Lightbringer even come up at all.
Arianne: Any final thoughts from around the table? Some last reflections on this TV show because it’s all over. Anything you want to discuss. Any theories or still-open storylines from the show or the books that you’d love to see resolved? Let me start off with my own… the Sand Snakes. What’s up with them? They’re being sent off by my bad on infiltration missions. That’s pretty cool. Would love to see where that winds up in the books. Ned, how about you go next?
Ned: Uh, I mean my family makes up a good chunk of the POVs in the books. Me. Jon. Arya. Sansa. Cat. Bran. Even if the story wasn’t about me, I think the Starks are really the true heros. So I do hope Dany is defeated and the Starks win. I assume that will be what happens, but I’d really like it if more of them don’t die this last episode, or in the books. The independence theory is cool too. The Starks just rule the north independently. That would be totally fine. I don’t need Jon or Sansa to sit on the throne. If Winterfell is free, that's a big enough win.
Arianne: Cat?
Cat: Well, obviously the Lady Stoneheart think remains unresolved. What am I up to? Do I kill Jaime? If I don’t then what could he say or do that would convince me to let him go? Oh yeah… I also got that Tom O Sevens guy who has infiltrated the Freys and is killing them. That’s sort of cool. I do wonder if anything will happen with that. Or my brother Edmure. Where is he? What’s up with him? Did Arya free him from the Freys before she killed them all? I bet it won’t be answered though.
Arianne: Dany?
Dany: Well, it was a good ride. Fuck, I don’t want to die and I know a lot of people are pissed off that I’m the 11th Hour baddie for the last two episodes. But it was a great run, wasn’t it? It would be really cool if I didn’t die. But I think I am. They just made me too irredeemable to save. Which is sort of ironic because the allied powers firebombed innocent civilians in World War II and are still the “good guys” and yet I don’t yet to still be good? Fucked up.
Arianne: Tyrion?
Tyrion: I’m just glad that both the show and this blog left fucking Penny out. Sharkleberry Finn is terrible too, but not as bad as Penny. Also, I hope I live too. By the way. To whoever is sitting on the throne, I will make a great Hand. Or like Asha said, maybe my last F-U to my dad is getting Casterly Rock.
Arianne: Jon?
Jon: I’d like to say that for the books I hope it’s me warging into Ghost after I get stabbed instead of the "Melisandre bringing me back" thing. Me warging into Ghost would be awesome.
Arianne: Bran?
Bran: I am not Bran. I am the Three-Eyed Raven/Crow.
Arianne: Okay, never mind. Forget your ass. Sansa?
Sansa: Yeah… wow. I sure to have a lot I could say. Where the books have left off I’m at a really different place than in the show, so I have no idea what direction I’m going. I’m never married to Ramsay. I’m still with Littlefinger. I just really hope that they’re not setting up that “Lyn Corbray is a pedophile who will rape and kill Robert Arryn” thing like I think they are. And it will be interesting to see what happens with my marriage to Harry the Heir. Is he also terrible and abusive like Ramsay was? What happens to Littlefinger too. There is no way the books do what the TV show did. He's a total creeper towards me and I may end up being involved in killing him similar to the show, but it will be in a different way. Anyway, for the show… I don’t know. I do really want to rule Winterfell and that seems appropriate for me.
Arianne: Arya?
Arya: I just want to kill, like, at least six more people before this show is over. Probably more. Killing people is awesome. Hi Dany!
Arya waves at Dany and Dany flinches.
Arianne: Theon?
Theon: I’m so glad to be dead now. The last several years of my life have sucked.
Arianne: Davos?
Davos: I really wanted to use some of that aphrodisiac, hard dick crab and get it on with Missendei! Haha.
Arianne: Gross.
Davos: But more seriously, my hanging books storyline is now going to Skagos and looking for Rickon. As if anyone cares about non-zig-zaggy Rickon.
Arianne: Jaime?
Jaime: Eh, like Cat said… how do I escape what is, I presume, being led to by death by Brienne to her? On, and the Valonqar stuff too. Do I kill Cersei in the books rather than just hug her while rubble falls?
Arianne: Sam?
Sam: I just want to see if the show ends with me becoming the author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” though, telling the story of the whole thing and writing it down. Oh, and speaking of your Sand Snake cousins… what’s up with Sarella / Alleras? The whole Aemon riddle about the Sphinx and her being called the Sphinx. It seems important. And also what is Jaqen H'ghar doing in the Citadel? All great questions for book-only people. The show won’t address them, but I wanna see.
Arianne: Cersei?
Cersei: *has passed out, drunk on wine*
Arianne: Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised by that. Brienne?
Brienne: The Jaime/me sex thing will TOTALLY not happen in the books. That was absolute fan service. I’m just stating that now. I’m really glad the show didn’t tear off half of my face like the books did though. That was just awful.
Arianne: Asha, Arys, Barristan, Jon, Mel… anything else from any of you?
All of Them: Eh, not really.
Arianne: Well, that was fun. Guess now we just grab some popcorn and see how this fucked up ride goes tonight. We’ll be back on Tuesday with your next regularly scheduled Chapter, A Dance with Dragons 35. And it’s going to be a Dany chapter, by the way.
Dany: OooOoo. So we’re going to probably work in a lot of inside jokes about how the show ends into that blog?
Arianne: Eh. Maybe.
The audience cheers and the credits role. After the credits, Sam Jackson shows up because Sam Jackson always shows up after the credits.
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