ACoK 38: Arya VIII

Arya: Oh snap! Tywin Lannister is finally leaving Harrenhal tomorrow! And I didn't even get a chance to be his cup bearer.

Because that never happened in the books. 

Arya: I bet with Tywin gone, everything will calm down and life will become much easier. We'll probably all be treated a lot better.

Weese: The fuck you will, Weasel! If anything, life is about to get much worse for you. The castle is still the same size as it used to be, and now with less people - that means the people remaining will need to do more work. Also, it's been about five minutes since I last beat you, so...

Weese beats her. 

Arya: Fuck this guy. Fuck everyone here. I hope all these Lannister soldiers riding out get killed by my brother Robb.

Weese: Now girl, deliver my shit for me.  Here is a message I need you to give to a knight who owes me money. Be on your way.

And so Arya runs off to deliver the message. Weese doesn't know that Arya can read, so he doesn't even think about the fact that Arya is checking out all the messages she delivers. She's been able to figure out a couple of things through Weese's notes, but nothing really big. It's mainly just mundane crap. Weese isn't an important enough guy to deliver important messages about troop movements, battles, or anything that interests Arya. 

Sometimes she's even had to deliver messages to outside of Harrenhal. Arya thought about stealing a horse and running away. But she's scared. She knows that if she's caught that she'll be delivered to Vargo Hoat of the Bloody Mummers. And that guy is crazy.

Arya: Hey you. Here is a note from Weese.

She hands it to the knight. 

Knight: Girl, I can't read.

Arya: It says you owe him money.

Knight: Hahaha, FUCK THAT!

The knight tries to hit her. But she pulls some of that Water Dancer mojo and dodges it. She also grabs his drinking horn from his belt, which has some silver on it. 

Arya: YOINK!

Knight: HEY! Give that back!

But she doesn't. Arya returns to Weese. 

Arya: Here you go, Weese. That knight said wasn't going to pay you. So I stole this from him because it has silver and looks like it might be worth something.

Weese: Oh, good work, Weasel! See, that's why I like you. You're so good to me. I promise never to beat you again. Also, I'm having a big-ass capon for dinner tonight. As a reward for you giving me this silver, I'll share it with you!

Arya: What the hell is capon?

Weese: It's a castrated, force-fed rooster.

Arya: That is such a weird and specific food item.

Next Arya wanders around, looking for Jaqen H'ghar. She figures its about time to ask him to kill another motherfucker for her. 

Arya: Excuse me, have you seen Jaqen H'ghar? I'm worried he might be leaving soon with all those people heading out with Lord Tywin.

Random Guard: Who the hell is Jaqen H'ghar? You know, I'm not on a first-name basis with every character in this book series.

Arya: Oh, he's this guy who works for Ser Amory Lorch. His hair is half-white, half-red.

Random Guard: Oh, yeah. I've seen that dude. He'll be staying here then. Ser Lorch has been named Castellan of Harrenhal while Lord Tywin is away. The Mountain and a whole bunch of other people... they'll be leaving though. Anyone with Lorch stays.

Arya: Oh snap! I better hurry along then. If I want to ask for the Mountain to be murdered, I need to do that soon since he's leaving!

And so Arya continues on her quest for Jaqen H'ghar, but checks back in on her boss Weese to make sure she's not in trouble. 

Weese: YO! New task for you, Weasel. I need you to deliver this new message to Lucan the Blacksmith. Ser Lyonel is leaving with Kevan Lannister tomorrow and needs a new sword (of omens).

Arya: Okie dokie.

Arya goes to the blacksmith shop to visit Lucan. Fortunately, the blacksmith shop is where Gendry works, so Arya has a chance to ogle him some more as he forges steel with his shirt off. 

Arya: *drool*

Gendry: HEY! I see you there, Arya! We need to talk.

Arya: Uhh... what about? *tries to look innocent*

Gendry: Don't worry, it's not about you staring a hole into my abs. It's about Hot Pie. I ran into him the other day and he said that he heard you back at the town by the God's Eye. He heard you shout "For Winterfell!" as the battle happened.

Arya: So?

Gendry: Well, you could be giving away who you are by doing that. So I had to lie to Hot Pie and tell him he was crazy. I told him you said "Go to Hell!" instead of "For Winterfell!"

Arya: That's stupid as fuck. Why would I say that?

Gendry: BITCH, it's the best thing I could come up with on short notice. So anyway, if you run into Hot Pie and he asks you, tell him that's what you said.

Arya: Okay, sure. Whatever. Could I rub some oil on your chest now?

Gendry: NO!

Lucan: What do you want, girl? Stop bothering my smith.

Arya: Here is a letter from Weese. Lyonel's sword (of omens) has been broken and he needs it repaired (before battling Mum-Ra). Or some shit like that. He needs it by tomorrow.

Snarf: SNARF!

They then throw Snarf into the forge because he's annoying. 

Lucan: Ugh. My steel is too good for a oaf like Lyonel, but whatever.

Lucan hands her a new longsword (of omens).

Arya then heads back to Weese to deliver the sword, but gets distracted along the way. At first she thinks about using her note from Weese to run away. Barely anyone here is literate, so she could just tell them the note says whatever and they'd believe her. But she figures it's too risky. Then she hears a bunch of soldiers talking about Robb Stark's victories. They say he has an army of giants from the North. As she listens to them gossip, the time gets away from her and--

Weese: --Ah, there you are, you stupid little shit!

Weese grabs the sword away from her and hits her. 

Weese: I sent you, like, HOURS ago to get that sword. Be a little faster next time, you stupid idiot. God, you're just the worst.

Arya: DAFUQ? Earlier today you were thanking me for giving you the silver and promised to never hit me again. You also said you'd share your chicken dinner with me!

But Weese doesn't remember any of that shit because he's really fucking stupid.

Weese: New task. Go to Tuffleberry at the bar and tell him that he owes me six kegs of ale. Have his men deliver it to me at once.

So Arya storms off to find Tuffleberry.  She hopes to run into Jaqen H'ghar along the way.

Arya: Oh, Weese is SO DEAD when I find Jaqen!

But instead of finding Jaqen, she finds Rorge, the asshole that was locked in the Night's Watch cart with Rorge. 

Rorge: OH SHIT! Arry the little boy is now a girl! I want to rape and murder you even more now.

Arya: You remember that I saved your life, right?

Rorge: Yeah, thanks. As a reward for that, I'll rape you even HARDER.

Arya: Wow, you are just THE WORST and that's saying a lot in these books. Anyway, Jaqen H'ghar is my friend, you know that right?  Maybe I should tell him that you just threatened me.

Rorge backs away. He's obviously scared of Jaqen. 

Rorge: Uhh... I got no problem with you, miss. I'll be on my way.

Arya: Where is our mutual friend anyway?

Rorge: Taking a bath.

Arya: Great. I just got done eerily staring at Gendry while he was blacksmithing, so now I can go creep on Jaqen while he's in a bath.

She goes to do exactly that. 

She tip toes into the men's locker room and...

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl wears shoes that are too squeaky to sneak up on a man. A man is not fooled.

Arya: Damn.

Coach: HEY YOU, GIRL! Get out of the men's locker room! We don't let little girls in here.

Jerry Sandusky: But little boys are okay, right?

Everyone then gets together to grab Jerry Sandusky and throw him into the forge to burn alive too, no matter which side of the War of the Five Kings that stand on. Everyone can agree on that. 

Arya: Okay, that's enough random cameos of characters to kill off in a forge after one throw-away line. I'm here to whisper something in your ear, Jaqen.

She leans in close. 

Arya: Weese.

Jaqen H'ghar: A'iiiiiight.

Arya then goes to deliver the message to Tuffleberry.

Tuffleberry: HELL NO. My men aren't bringing shit to Weese. If he wants his ale barrels, he can come and pick them up his goddamn self. Tell him to go fuck himself and that I fucked his mother in her eye socket and she liked it. Tell him those exact words, verbatim.

Arya goes back to Weese but does NOT tell him those exact words, verbatim. She knows Weese will take it out on her and beat her even more. Arya breaks it to him gently, and he doesn't even beat her at all. 

At dinner that night, Arya starts to feel bad about ordering the killing of Weese. 

Arya: Look, Weese isn't necessarily a good person. He's human shit. But there are a lot of people out there even worse than him. Why am I wasting my kills on him?

Arya stares at Weese as he eats the capon. Weese catches her looking and Arya thinks he has a gleam of recognition in his eye. 

Arya: Oh yeah! I bet he feels really bad for how he treated me earlier, and he just remembered to share that chicken with me. Dinner time! Yum yum!

But Weese stands up with an angry face and walks over to her. 

Weese: BITCH! How many times do I have to tell you to not stare at me when I eat? DAMNIT!

He smacks the shit out of her. She falls and her dress tears on a nail.

Weese: And you better mend that dress before you go to bed!

The next morning, she wakes up with a kick by Weese. 

Weese: Wake the fuck up, girl. We all gotta get up and wave goodbye to Lord Tywin.

And so they get up and watch as Tywin's procession leaves, taking the important Lannister lords and soldiers with them, including the Mountain and Polliver. It's only then that Arya realizes...

Arya: SHIT! Why did I waste my kills on Weese and Chiswyck? Lord Tywin is the real monster here. He's their boss! I should have wished his name a long time ago. I need to find Jaqen H'ghar and tell him to replace "Weese" with "Tywin Lannister" before it's too late!

Arya runs through the crowd, knocking people over and looking for Jaqen. But instead she finds...

Crowd: Hahaha! Oh man! Look at this! It's Weese's pet dog eating Weese's neck out. This is CRAZY! He raised that dog since it was a pup. And yet somehow the dog went nutso and decided to sink its teeth into his throat. Easy come, easy go, I guess.

Arya: Shit.

Arya looks up and sees Jaqen H'ghar standing nearby. He nods at her and throws her the "peace" sign. 

Jaqen H'ghar: No, dumbass. A man does not do the "peace" sign. A man holds up two fingers. A man is signalling that a girl has gotten two of her kills in. A narrator should know this.

Okay, I stand corrected. 

ACoK 37: Theon III

Theon and his force of eight or so ships has just attacked the Stony Shore, a town on the west coast of the North.  Nominally, the forces at the Stony Shore were supposed to be defending the North against attack. In practice, it's really just a fishing village and it was a pretty pathetic showing.  The Northern defenders were worthless, and the forces of the Iron Isles fucked them up. Big time. 

The leader of the defenses was Benfred Tallhart, a man that Theon knew and had actually visited as Ned Stark's hostage/adopted son.  But now Benfred's men are all dead around him and he is held captive. 

Benfred: Fuck you Theon, you fucking traitor cunt! *spits in Theon's face*

Theon: I mean, I guess I probably deserved that a little.

Uncle Aeron Greyjoy: Blasphemy! How dare he spit in your face! We must sacrifice him to the drowned god now!

Theon: Sure. Why not? I mean our executor is so shitty with his aim that he'd probably miss slicing his head off anyway. So throwing Benfred in the water is probably the more humane way to go.

And so they dunk Benfred into the ocean and hold him down, drowning him. His body goes stiff and they just push it out to sea. 

Theon walks around the Stony Shore to inspect their victory. His men are running around like crazy. Stealing. Murdering. Raping. The Iron Isles way. His men cut the fingers off of the dead to steal their jewelry. That's "paying the iron price" for jewelry, as Theon remembers.

He then sees two of his men, drunk and fighting over plunder.

Theon: HEY! HEY! Knock it off there! No fighting!

But they keep fighting. Nobody gives a shit about Theon and nobody respects him. 

Theon: Well fuck that then!

Theon grabs a bow and arrow and aims towards one of the fighting men's ale tankards.

Theon: Hahaha, I'll shoot this ale tankard right out of his hand! That will show him I'm the boss with my impressive skills at aiming. That will win them over to finally obey me!

But Theon has shit aim and instead shoots the guy right in his stomach.

Theon: Oh. Oh fuck.... uhhh.... uhhh.... I mean... I MEANT TO DO THAT! YES! I JUST KILLED THAT GUY! For fighting over plunder! Let that be a sign to you all that Theon is badass and will fuck you up if you fight each other!

Guy: Uhh... he's not actually dead.

Theon: WELL JUST SLICE HIS NECK AND GET IT OVER WITH.

And so they do that. Because less men to split the loot with means more loot for everyone. Iron Isles guys are kind of dicks like that. 

Theon then goes on a long flashback, remembering how he got into the circumstance that brought him here and because GRRM continues to like doing in media res chapters that start in the middle and then go backwards. But fuck that, you don't need to read about a damn flashback. Let's move on... Theon wanders off and talks to Dagmer, the commander of one of his ships.

Dagmer: Hey man, how did the battle go?

Theon: Oh, pretty good. We kicked ass. Only lost one man and that man I killed myself totally on purpose because I'm badass. Not at all accidentally because I'm incompetent. If I have only one regret, it's that we didn't capture enough horses.

Dagmer: Horses? That's some land people shit there. We're sea people. We don't need horses.

Theon: How about instead of answering your question I just flatter you to get you on my side? After all, you are the greatest fighter in the history of the Iron Isles and my father sending you here with me to raid the coast is an insult to your greatness.

Dagmer: Go on, I'm listening and am indeed highly susceptible to flattery.

Theon: Well, just like how YOU are the greatest fighter, I also deserve to be leading the larger army that my sister is leading.

Dagmer: Your father trusts her because he knows her. He hasn't known you for, like, ten years.

Theon: But what was I doing those ten years away? I was showing how capable I was. When I was with Robb Stark's army, we had amazing victories. I was the MASTERMIND of the battle that captures the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister.  People like you and me are too good for this raider shit we're doing now. We need to be taking castles like my sister is assigned to do. So I say we do that instead.

Dagmer: Nah man, I don't think your uncle Aeron is going to approve of that.

Theon: Aeron will have no choice but to go along with it if all the men agree we are to do it. And you can help me win them over because you're the best and everyone respects you.

Dagmer: Okay, so what exactly is your little proposal?

Theon: You and our best men ride down towards Torren's Square and lay siege to it.

Dagmer: That's crazy talk. Torren's Square is inpenetrable. I could never take it.

Theon: True. But the forces at Winterfell will then race south to help defend it. Which will leave Winterfell totally defenseless!

Dagmer: Ah, the ol' razzle-dazzle fakeout, huh? A classic.

ACoK 36: Tyrion VIII

An emergency meeting of the Small Council begins, as stunning word hits Kings Landing that Renly Baratheon is dead. 

Varys: Holy shit, people. Not even my birds saw this coming. They cut this boy's throat like soft cheese.

Littlefinger is in the middle of eating Camembert, but puts it down.

Littlefinger: Thanks for the analogy, asshole. Now my appetite is ruined.

Tyrion: So who did this shit?

Varys: Accounts differ. Some say it was this ugly woman that was part of Renly's Rainbow Kingsguard. Some say it was a spurned lover. Some say it was Lady Cat Stark. Some say it was Stannis with a magical sword. Some say it was some kind of smoke monster.

Cersei: You mean like on Lost?

Varys: I guess.

Tyrion: Well, how are we supposed to believe any of it is true at all with all these different accounts?

Varys: On that I am certain. Renly is dead. How is the only confusion.

Tyrion: Joffrey won't be happy. He was saving a spike here for Renly's head and now his sick ass will be deprived of that. I'm not happy either. I wanted Renly and Stannis to get into a long war with one another. Now their forces will likely all fall behind Stannis and we'll have a bigger threat to face.

Varys: Well, not ALL of the forces. While most of Renly's bannermen have joined Stannis, some have not. The Tarleys and Tyrells, for instance. They say Loras Tyrell flipped his shit when he learned that Renly was dead. He murdered three of his fellow Rainbow Guards, including  Emmon Cuy and Robar Royce. He then rode off to Bitterbridge, most likely to meet up with his sister --Renly's Queen, Margaery.

Tyrion: Damn. Didn't Yohn Royce already lose his son Waymar in the prologue to A Game of Thrones? This guy just had another one of his sons, Robar, killed. Talk about bad luck, nothing goes this man's way.

Varys: And Ser Cortnay Penrose still holds Storm's End on behalf of Renly. He refuses to turn the castle over to Stannis without proof of Renly's body.

Tyrion: Well, it is good news that the Tyrells haven't joined Stannis. Maybe we can win them to our side.

Cersei: Why would they want to join us? They probably hate us more than they hate Stannis.

Littlefinger: Well, I am the Master of Coin. I can always pay them to love us.

Tyrion: Maybe lesser lords would be susceptible to bribery, Baelish. But the Tyrells are already hella rich from all that dot-com money they made when they sold all their AOL stock before the bubble burst. We'll need more than gold to win over Highgarden. We'll need to give them something that gives them pride and bragging rights. What about a marriage alliance with Joffrey? That Margaery girl is... what?... 15? 16? Sure, a little older than Joffrey but at least her womb is fertile. Joff can start working on her and making her pop out babies instantly.

Cersei: WHAT?! But Joffrey is already betrothed to Sansa Stark!

Tyrion: Who cares? That marriage alliance meant something when Ned was alive and the Starks were our allies. A marriage between Joff and Sansa is worthless now.

Cersei: But Joffrey so loves that girl! And he's not interested in having babies yet. He's just a boy.

Tyrion: You think 13 year old boys aren't interested in sex? Hahahaha, oh man, Cersei. That is the ONLY thing they are interested in. And does he "love" Sansa? Can a sociopath really love anyone? I'll tell you what though - I caught him having Boros Blount cut off Sansa's clothes to humiliate her while he got off on it. Is that love? This Margaery girl is supposed to be cute. He'll be just as pleased with her.

Littlefinger: The Hand speaks true, Queen Cersei. While Sansa's soft, delicate, supple body that looks just like her hot mother's body when she was her age is certainly sweet, Margaery is lovely and beddable now. And while Sansa brings only that smokin' jailbait, ginger, spinner body of hers... the Tyrell girl also brings with her 50,000 swords as well as those awesome Tyrell Corportation Replicants for off-world labor.

Tyrion: Littlefinger, you are SO FUCKING GROSS when describing Sansa, you creeper.

Littlefinger: Oh, don't worry. The gross-ness between me and Sansa is just getting started. It gets worse from here. Much worse.

Tyrion: The bottom line is, I think Joff just needs to get laid. Maybe he'll find that he likes relieving his stress that way even more than by killing things.

Tyrion and Varys then head nod to each other. Tyrion has been plotting to get Joffrey to Chataya's brothel, but it's been tough with the Hound always around.

Varys: And even if the King does love this Sansa girl, he must understand that the needs of the realm come before his own desires. A marriage alliance with Highgarden is quite sensible.

Cersei: Joffrey is the KING. Why should he want Renly's sloppy seconds?

Tyrion: And the king is a boy not yet old enough to rule on his own. He should do as the Hand, that's me, and the Regent, that's you, command him to.

Cersei grumbles. She wants to argue, but Tyrion is absolutely right.

Tyrion: SO THEN! If it's settled... now we need to send someone to deliver our offer to the Tyrells. It needs to be someone super high-ranking and important to show them that we mean business. But it can't be one of us Lannisters, because if they don't mean to make peace with us then we'll likely be taken hostage.

Littlefinger: Hey, I'll do it!

Tyrion is suspicious. I mean why WOULDN'T he be? This is Littlefinger, after all.

Tyrion: I mean... you do fit the bill of the level of person we need to send to show that we are serious. But I still have a bad feeling about it.

Littlefinger: What? Why?

Tyrion: I dunno. It's just, like, what if we send you as an emissary to the Tyrells and then you just wind up using this as an opportunity to engage in some nefarious plot with Lady Olenna Tyrell to poison Joffrey at his wedding feast?

Littlefinger: *sweats nervously* ...Look, all I'm saying is give me 100 gold cloaks as an escort, and also our hostages, Horas and Hobber Redwyne. The Redwynes are loyal to Margaery's father, Mace Tyrell. It will be a sign of friendship to return them. We also need to bring plenty of horses and gold to help out with the deal, as well as a written copy of the deal to show we mean business.

Everyone looks at each other. Littlefinger's plan makes a lot of sense. Eventually, they all nod and agree thinking the chances that Littlefinger will betray them and plot with the Tyrells to murder Joffrey with poison at his wedding is SUPER low.

Littlefinger: Great, have Varys write the terms down on paper and I'll be off in the morning. We've got to get to the Tyrells before anyone else. And I do expect a great reward for all my services in doing this. *cackles like super villain*

And with that, everybody heads out except for Cersei and Tyrion.

Cersei: So how's that giant chain you're building going, brother?

Tyrion: Pretty good, pretty good. But not quite finished yet. We should thank Cortnay Penrose for holding onto Storm's End. If he had just given it up to Stannis, then Stannis might already be marching towards us. But all we need is another two weeks or so, and our defenses will be as planned.

Cersei: Oh brother, I thank you so much for everything you're doing to help defend this city and advise Joffrey. You're just a good brother and uncle!

Cersei then kisses Tyrion and walks away.

Tyrion: Oh wow. That bitch is being NICE to me? Something must be up and she's plotting some shit. I just KNOW IT.  

ACoK 35: Bran V

Bran is working the bellows for the blacksmith, Mikken.

Bran: Wait... what is a "bellows" anyway?

Mikken: It's like one of those things that looks like an accordion that you use to blow air into a fire so that it gets hotter.

Bran: Oh, okay.

Alebelly then walks in. I can't remember if I've explained who Alebelly is before. He's just a fat, worthless guard who works here at Winterfell. All the first-tier guards and soldiers went south with Eddard first (and promptly died). Then the second-tier guards went south with Robb for the war. So alebelly is what Bran is left with. 

Alebelly: Ah, here you are, Bran. We got a raven with a letter from your brother.

Bran: Sweet! Let me see it!

Alebelly: Well, the letter is back at Maester Luwin's place.

Bran: Cool. I guess you're going to carry me back there then.

Alebelly: Ugh.

But Alebelly carries him back anyway. Rickon is there, waiting. So are those two Frey kids.

Luwin: Okay kids, time to talk to you all about war!

Kids: YAY! WAR!

Luwin: Robb beat the shit out of the Lannister army at the Battle of Oxcross, killing the leader of the Lannisters there - Ser Stafford Lannister. He's also taken a bunch of castles and is now at Ashemark, the stronghold of House Marbrand.

Bran: Thanks for the plot exposition, Luwin!

Rickon: When are Robb and daddy coming home?

Bran: Hahaha, you fucking moron, Rickon. Daddy is dead.

Big Walder: Who gives a shit if Robb beat Stafford Lannister? Who the fuck is that even? It's like that character was made up this chapter just to die.  Until Tywin Lannister is defeated... none of that matters.

Bran: As much as I hate these Frey kids, he's right.

Luwin: Well, there is also some terrible news I have to share about the war too. And I'm sorry to say this, Frey kids, but your uncle Ser Stevron Frey died in the battle.

Big Walder: Meh.

Little Walder: Yeah, who cares?

Luwin: Wow, that is some cold shit there. You kids should be ashamed.

Bran: Wow! That Frey guy dying really makes me sad. But the Frey kids don't seem to be that upset about it. This reminds me of the prophesy that Jojen made about the Frey kids enjoying their meat more than me. Jojen's prophesy must have been all metaphoric and the "meat" really meant "news."

Luwin: Holy shit, Bran. You really are stretching the premise of that prophesy a little thin.

Osha then shows up to take Bran away back to his room. 

Bran: Hey Osha, do you know the way north? I want to go there.

Osha: Sure, you just follow the Ice Dragon!

Bran: WHOA! Is there really an Ice Dragon? Or is that just some constellation in the sky? You know, like how you find the little dipper constellation and it points to Polaris, the "North Star?"

Osha: Well, in this chapter it's not 100% specific, although the text of "The Sword Sword," a Dunk and Egg prequel story, strongly supports that I was implying the latter. As for whether there are Ice Dragons or not... we'll just have to wait and see.

Bran: But Viserion is an Ice Dragon in the TV show now, right?

Osha: The books are the books, and the show is the show. Let's just keep these things separate, okay?

Bran: I want to go north and meet the three-eyed crow!

Osha: I literally have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.

Osha sets him down and leaves. 

Not long after, Meera shows up to his bedroom. 

Bran: YES! Okay! Go ahead and take my pants off. You know I can't myself.

Then Jojen shows up, right behind her. 

Bran: Awwwww! Damnit.

Jojen: Whoa, like, sorry for breaking into your room like this, man. I was just looking for my stash!

Bran: Oh hey - Jojen! That story you told me. The one about your green sight. It came true. Only it wasn't my supper. It was a letter from Robb.

Jojen: Yeah, man. When I smoke the whacky tobacky, it's hard to interpret my dreams, man. There are so many colors and things, man. Far out.

Bran: So how about you tell me another one of your dreams then? Since I've taken great lengths to interpret your vision about eating dinner to really mean reading a letter - I am now officially part of the cult of Jojen, and am willing to believe that anything you say is a true vision of the future.

Jojen: So, like, the last time I hit a blunt I dreamt about the sea, man. The sea rose up and flooded Winterfell. All these people died, man!

Bran: OH SHIT! Who?

Jojen: Alebelly, Septon Chayle, and Mikken. They all died, man. Sorry to break it to you, buddy. 

Bran: OH SHIT! Your dreams always come true! After all -- you told me that I wouldn't enjoy my dinner and I didn't enjoy the contents of a letter. That's a PERFECT example of your 100% effective accuracy in dream interpretation!  WE NEED TO WARN THEM!

Jojen: That won't save them, man. There is no way to save them. Now tell me about your dreams, man.

Bran: Well I have different dreams. Some of them are wolf dreams. I run around and kill squirrels and shit.  Then there are the other dreams where the crow tells me to fly and fetch him corn. Then I just fall. I never used to fall. I used to feed the crows in the tower and I never once fell. But now I fall every time I have the crow dream. Sometimes there are other dreams when trees are talking to me. They call my name.

Jojen: Dude, those wolf dreams aren't dreams, man. They're REAL! You're a warg, Bran!

Bran: THE FUCK I AM! Old Nan would tell me stories about those creepers. I'm not one of them.

Jojen: It's true. People will hate you because they fear you. But it's only because they're fascists who don't understand you.

Bran: I don't want to be a warg! I want to be a knight!

Jojen: No way, man. You're, like, the winged wolf. You gotta learn to fly, brother. But you can't learn to fly unless you smoke so much doobie that your third eye opens.

Jojen then taps bran on the forehead, indicating where hid third eye is. 

Jojen: It's your ajna, man. It's your charka. The gate that leads to the inner realms of higher consciousness.

Bran: You fucking hippies always get into Eastern Religion for some reason and I don't know why. Luwin says the dreams are just dreams and that's that.

Jojen: These dreams are more, man. They are the past. They are the present. They are the future, man. They are enlightenment. A deeper state of spiritual being. The third eye is the mind's eye.

And so they leave, with Bran totally freaked out by this crazy hippy shit.  Bran tries to "open" his third eye, but has no luck. All he does is burst a blood vessel in his forehead and give himself a migraine.

For the next several days, Bran tries to warn everyone about Jojen's freaky hippy dream, but no one seems to believe him. Mikken laughs, and jokes that he always wanted to see the sea. Septon Chayle states the gods will take him when they do, and he does not think he will drown since he grew up on the banks of the White Knife. 

Septon Chayle: Also, you have a library book due, Bran. Don't think that being a cripple who can't walk will get you out of the late fee. I am charging you for that shit. And why did you check out a book about Taoism anyway?

Bran tells Alebelly too. He's the only one who seems to believe Bran. So to avoid drowning, he refuses to take a bath and starts stinking really badly.  Eventually the townspeople grab him and force him to shower because he's rank AF.

And hey, speaking of stinky people... 

Ser Rodrik Cassel: Hey everyone! I'm back! And I have this hostage here. His name is "Reek."

Bran: Oh shit. You were gone?

Rodrick: Yes. Now let me tell you where I was. Remember all the shit about civil war that broke out here? With this bastard son of Roose Bolton kidnapping and marrying Lady Hornwood and then House Manderly sending an army to go attack him and the Boltons? Well, Lady Hornwood is dead now.

Bran: FUUUUUUCK! I wish I had respected her a little bit more in all those chapters rather than making fun of her. And I'm sorry for you too, Rod. Because I know you wanted to hit that.

Rodrick: Yeah. It was brutal. Anyway, this bastard kid, Ramsay Snow, chained up Lady Hornwood and starved her to death. All her fingers were eaten off and she apparently did it herself because she was so hungry. My forces tracked down this Ramsay Snow kid and shot him to death. So he's totally dead and we'll never hear about him again. Although I somewhat fear that his father, Lord Bolton, might still want to lay claim to the lands of House Hornwood. Lady Hornwood did sign a will that said Ramsay was the heir. Although she signed it under duress, so it should be invalid.

Bran: So what is up with this smelly Reek asshole then?

Rodrick: Ah, well he is Ramsay Snow's stank-ass, weird servant. We need to keep him alive as a witness. That way we can prove to Robb that Ramsay was a sick fuck that forced Lady Hornwood to sign the will before he murdered her. Then Robb will rule in favor of the House Manderly. Right now the Manderlys and the Boltons are still fighting over the land and my men weren't enough to stop it. So we just came back home to here.

Bran: Cool, that's nifty.

"Reek:" Yes, I am definitely "Reek." I'm not at all just Ramsay Snow in disguise, with the real Reek taking my place and getting shot instead. Mwahahaha!

Bran: Why would you say that?

Rodrick: So now we have another smelly asshole in this town. Speaking of which, Bran, why did you make it so that Alebelly wouldn't bathe again? I heard about that.

Bran: Ah, you see... [Bran explains the whole story about the green dreams and the drowning].

Rodrick: Hrm, sometimes I think you're fucking crazy, Bran.

Luwin: I told Bran that too. We have no risk of being drowned here in Winterfell. Unless, of course, we interpret Jojen Reed's dream as a metaphor. Then the water that fills Winterfell and drowns us could be symbolic of armies coming from the water and killing us. Which is totally plausible, considering the numerous reports we are hearing about people from the Iron Isles attacking our coastline and raiding all over the North.

Rodrick: Hrm. So should we believe that this drowning dream is a metaphor alluding to the exact thing you are describing as happening... and therefore look to double or triple our security?

Luwin: Nah.

Rodrick: I agree! "Nah" is the obvious and correct answer.

Bran meets with the Reeds later that night. 

Bran: ...So... in conclusion, I talked with Luwin and Rodrick and they both said that nothing bad would happen. So I know your dream about Chayle, Alebelly and Mikken dying won't come true.

Meera: Maybe it's possible to for prophesies to not come true. Maybe the future can change. Maybe the future is what we make of it!

Jojen: No way, Meera. They're going to die, man. It's happening. Sorry to be such a bummer.

Meera: NO! Stop being a dick, Jojen. Bran and Alebelly can fight to avoid their fates!

Bran: Whoa, whoa, WHOAAAAAA! Bran? BRAN?! Why the fuck did you just mention my name for? Am I going to drown too?

Meera's face turns red as she revealed too much. 

Meera: Errm... uhh... no... it's just that...

Jojen: --I, like, had another dream, Bran. Sorry, man. But I walked behind the 7 Eleven, man. And I scored this really good quality Durban Poison off of a dealer. This is great stuff, man. The purest sativa you can get, shipped in from South Africa. And after just one toke I had my dream, man. And I saw you dying, buddy! I saw it! You and your brother, Rickon.

Bran: WHAT?!

Jojen: Yeah, man. You know this new guy who showed up in town named "Reek?" Well, your dead bodies were laying in front of him. And he was, like, skinning off your faces with a blade.

Bran: FUCKING SICK, MAN. You are SICK!

Meera: This can't happen if Reek is dead, right? I say we go to the dungeons and kill him RIGHT NOW.

Jojen: Violence is never the answer, man! Make love, not war.

Meera: You're super annoying, Jojen.

Jojen: I've seen the future, Meera. You won't succeed. If you try, then the pigs will stop you. They'll never believe you, man. There is no way for Bran to avoid his fate. The green dreams don't lie!

Meera: Right. They are just wildly metaphoric and can be interpreted in multiple ways?

Jojan: Well yeah, I guess.

ACoK 34: Jon IV

The men of the Night's Watch arrive at the "Fist of the First Men." It's a giant hill beyond the haunted forest that actually looks a bit like a giant rock fist coming from the ground.

Lord Commander Mormont: Well, this looks like a good, defensive location to set up shop.

Thoren Smallwood: Yes, it shall be easy to defend. We will stay here.

Jon: But it's super high up and there is no water here. We'd have to climb down the hill every day to get water.

Lord Commander: Stop whining, kid! Just go down and fetch water when I tell you to. I think the defensive benefits of this place far outweigh that. Besides... the First Men built this giant stone ring here thousands of years ago that will protect us even more.

With that settled, Jon begins to set up the stuff for the Lord Commander. He can tell that ol' man Mormont is tired and beat. Too old to have gone on this expedition.  After that's all done, Jon goes off to find Ghost.  As they were coming up the Fist, Ghost got spooked and refused to follow the rest of them.

Jon: Hrm. My wolf, which on numerous occasions has continually showed the ability to sense danger and magical forces in his surroundings, refuses to come to this area. So, rather than being sensible and taking that as a sign of possible impending doom... I will just ignore it and figure that he's being a silly dog.

Eventually, a skiddish Ghost shows up.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I'm not saying that you're all going to die. But you're all going to die.]

Night falls and Sam shows up to chat with Jon.

Sam: Whattup? How long are we here for? I'm scared of this place.

Jon: Lord Mormont says that we are to wait here until the last 100 men from Qhorin Halfhand's army of the Shadow Tower show up. You better send a raven back to Castle Black and let them know.

Sam: Okay. I know the raven I send will be happy about that. These ravens hate being caged. I wish I were a raven too. I'd fly back to Castle Black and go eat some pork pies.

Jon: Of course you would, fatty.

Raven: Corn. 

The two then return to camp. In the sky is "Mormont's Torch," the name they have given the Red Comet.

Brother of the Night's Watch: They say that the Red Comet means that some young queen in Essos should step into her husband's funeral pyre with her dragon eggs to hatch them, and then should follow the comet to Qarth in order to--

--A bear comes out of the woods and eats that guy. Now there are only 199 men here instead of 200.

Mormont: There you are, Jon! I'd like some hot, spiced wine.

The book then goes on for what feels like four pages of GRRM explaining just exactly the right amount of spice that Lord Mormont likes in his wine, as well as the preferred lemon content of his beer in the mornings. I'm not kidding. We'll skip that bullshit here in the Jingle of Ice and Fire. 

As Jon makes the wine, he overhears other talking about the best strategies to attack the armies of Mance Rayder in the Frostfangs where they are hiding out.

Mormont: Forget that nonsense. I'm not attacking anyone. I mean to stay here at the Fist and let them come for us. We have good defense here. I want the Rangers to pull back and stop scouting so much.

Jon: What?! But the Rangers are supposed to be out looking for Uncle Benjen.

Mormont: Hahaha, yeah. Like that is going to happen, kid. Your uncle is dead as fuck.

Jon: *pouty face*

Mormont: But seriously... do you think it's easier for 200 men to go out and find one man... or one man to find 200 men? If we stay here and make all sorts of noise, have camp fires that give off smoke, etc... then if Benjen is alive... he will find us.

Jon: Oh, I guess that makes sense.

Mormont: You're damn right it does.

Jon: So here is your spiced wine, m'Lord. Want me to start making your dinner too?

Mormont: Nah. I'm not even hungry. I'm just going to drink and pass out.

And so Mormont does that. 

Even though Mormont wasn't hungry, Jon is. With his boss taking an old man nap, Jon heads back to grab some grub of his own. He joins Dywen, Grenn, Dolorous Edd, and Hake... who are all eating some stew.

Dywen: I don't like this place. It smells like... cold.

Edd: Don't be a moron, "cold" doesn't smell.

But Jon knows exactly what Dywen means. He smells it too. Some more cryptic shit. And speaking of cryptic shit... Ghost shows up again. 

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: HEY! Follow me, Jon.]

Ghost then runs away. 

Jon: What? What is it, boy? Do you want me to follow you?

Ghost turns back. 

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Yes, dickhead. That's EXACTLY what I just said.]

Ghost keeps going. 

Jon follows him. 

And follows him.

And follows him. 

It's the middle of the night. The land is full of rocks and roots that are tripping him up in the dark. Jon loses track of Ghost several times. But he eventually finds him again and again. 

Finally, Ghost stands in a spot by the ground and sniffs at it.  

Jon looks. It looks like some makeshift grave. The soil has clearly been disturbed. 

Jon: Gross, Ghost. You want me to dig up some dead body so that you can eat it? I don't think we're that desperate for food yet.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Look, just fucking do it, okay.]

Jon digs up the ground and instead of finding a body, finds a nice piece of cloth that is wrapping something up. He unwraps it and finds a shitload of weapons. 

Jon: Wow! Swords, arrowheads, knives! Some kind of OLD, CRACKED WARHORN. I wonder if this OLD, CRACKED WARHORN means anything. All kinds of sweet shit. But it's not made from metal. It's made from... geez... what is this? Oh yeah, I know! This is obsidian, AKA, "dragonglass." And this cloth that it's wrapped in. It's very nice. WAIT A MINUTE. I recognize this! This is the cloth of the Night's Watch!

So of COURSE Jon assumes this must have something to do with Benjen. I mean this kid is obsessed. 

ACoK 33: Catelyn IV

Cat is in the sept in the village, just as implied in her very recent previous chapter. Here we go into some background about the seven gods and the religion of the Faith of the Seven. Whatever. Cat imagines the faces of people she knows in the chalk faces of the gods in the sept.  

She thinks and thinks.  This news about Joffrey being an incest bastard is what got her husband and Jon Arryn killed. By the Lannisters! And she now realizes this must be why the Lannisters wanted Bran dead too. He must have found out!

She prays and thinks for so long that Ser Robar Royce has to come in and interrupt her. 

Robar: Uh, Lady Stark. It's almost dawn. I need to get you back to watch the battle, like King Renly commanded.

And so they head back, with a sleepless night. As they ride through, they travel right in the middle of Renly's army. They get to the King's pavilion where all sorts of leaders are discussing strategy for the battle. Brienne is getting the king suited up in his armor.

Cat: I would like to speak to Renly one last time.

Mathis Rowan: No. He's busy. We're busy talking war stuff. Fuck off.

Randyll Tarly: So, like I was saying... we need to ride out now. Our men are in position. If we ride out at dawn, as Stannis stated, then the sun will be rising into our eyes and blinding us. It was part of Stannis's trick to get an advantage.

Mathis: I agree, my King.

Renly: Nah, we ride at dawn like we agreed. Who cares about the sun in our eyes? We should just wear those flip-down shades like outfielders do at 7PM baseball games to catch fly balls. Our army will win no matter what. Ser Loras always comes through. If you know what I mean.

Tarly: Gross.

Renly: All that I ask is, after we win, that my brother's body be treated with respect. None of that shit like with Mussolini, okay? You know. No need to throw his corpse in a truck and then hang it upside-down in Piazzale Loreto, pelt it with vegetables, spit on it, urinate on it, shoot bullets into it, and kick and beat the face until it's unrecognizable. Then after that, move the body and prop it up on the metal girder of a half-built Standard Oil service station and hang it from a meat hook.

Mathis: Holy shit, is that really what happened to Mussolini?

Renly: Yep.

Tarly: That sounds SO AWESOME.

Renly: Ugh. You're really creepy, Randyll Tarly. You know that, right?

Tarly: Whatever. So what do we do if Stannis yields?

Renly: Stannis? YIELD? That will never happen. When he was sieged at Storm's end he promised to catapult out anyone who yielded. The only reason he didn't is that they were running out of food and he thought they might need to keep bodies around to eat. Although there is still the matter of Ser Barristan Selmy. If he is not with Robb Stark and not with me... then he MUST be with Stannis! That man needs a king to obey. It's in his nature. If we find Selmy with Stannis's forces... he must not be harmed.

Cat: Wow, you really, really, REALLY like emphasizing this "where is Selmy?" thing along with the "Which side is he going to show up on?" thing. You're hammering us with foreshadowing, man.

Renly: Ah, Cat! I see you are here then, huh?  Well, let's have that little conversation you asked for.  Please, everyone else leave. I'd just like for it to be myself, Cat and Brienne in this next scene.

This is a super weird request that will leave no witnesses to whatever happens next. But everyone obeys the king and leaves.

Cat: Renly! I just figured it all out when I was praying. My son, Bran. The Lannisters must have tried to kill him too. It all makes sense now. Cersei and Jaime stayed back at Winterfell when everyone else went hunting. Bran must have caught them doing the horizontal nasty and they pushed him out of the window. We should conceive a great council meeting! We will have Bran testify and tell everyone what he saw. That will prove that Joffrey is not the legitimate heir.  Then the Council can pick the new king. We can do this all without resorting to violence and killing.

Renly: The time for talk is over, Cat. The time for war is now! We must... must... hrm... did it just get really cold in here or am I crazy?

Cat: No. I feel it too. A sudden breeze of cool wind.

Cat looks at Renly's shadow. It starts moving. All on its own. The shadow lifts a sword up. But Renly isn't lifting a sword. 

Cat: DAFUQ?

The sword plunges into Renly's neck and he starts bleeding out. 

Brienne screams. Blood is pouring everywhere. 

Cat: OH SHIT! That is HORRIBLE! I can't imagine dying like that. You know, having my neck slashed open and the blood just pouring out like that. BRUTAL! What a horrible way to go!

Hearing all the screaming, Rainbow Warriors Ser Robar Royce and Emmon Cuy run back into the tent.  They see Brienne there, holding Renly and Renly bleeding to death. 

Emmon: MURDER! MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!

Emmon goes in to kill Brienne. 

Cat: NO! Wait! I saw everything. Brienne didn't do it. It was some sort of evil magic sorcery bullshit. The room got cold and there was this, like, shadow. And do you know what I felt? Stannis. I can't really explain it. But I felt Stannis's presence. He did it, somehow.

Robar: Uhm... I am really confused. Should I believe this bullshit?

Emmon: No! 

Cat: Please Robar! That's the truth. Now you've got to let us go. Nobody will believe us. They'll kill us.

Robar: Uhh... sure?

Emmon: NO! That's bullshit, man! Are you crazy?

But Cat donks Emmon on the side of the head and knocks him out. She then cuts a hole in the side of the tent. She and Brienne sneak out. They head back to their camp. 

Cat: Hey bitches, we need to get out of here ASAP.

Wendel Manderly: Why? I haven't had my sixth breakfast yet! And I want to watch the battle.

Cat: Oh, there ain't going to be no battle this morning. Renly is FUCKING DEAD.

Shadd: WHAT?

Perwyn Frey: And why the fuck is this ugly Brienne woman with you?

Cat: Too long to explain. Every minute we waste with plot exposition is a moment closer to us all being viciously murdered by angry Renly-loyalists.  Long story short - Renly is dead, we didn't do it, but we will be blamed.

Lucas Blackwood: Okay, let's get the hell out of dodge then.

Robin Flint: Yep. I just also wanted to talk too, to remind everyone that I am also a character that travels with Cat.

Cat: Brienne, we have extra horses. Ride with us!

And so they saddle up and run the fuck out of there. Cat knows that in on fell swoop of black magic, Stannis has killed Renly and soon Renly's army will defect to Stannis's side.  And Stannis has already declared her son Robb as a traitor and an enemy. 

Cat: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

ACoK 32: Sansa III

Sansa has just been summoned by King Joffrey after Joff got word of Robb Stark's latest victory. 

Sansa: I don't wanna!

The Hound: If you keep him waiting, it's just going to be even worse for you. He'll have you beaten even harder.

Sansa: I didn't have anything to with what Robb did! It's not my fault! He's the traitor, not me!

Hound: Wow, you're such a well-trained little bird to repeat what they tell you to repeat. You duplicitous cunt. You'll sell out your brother in half a second and I think that's petty as fuck. And coming from me, who wants to murder my own brother, that's saying something.

She'd led through the lower bailey and everyone stares at her. She passes by a cat with a crossbow bolt in it, dying slowly on the ground because Joffrey is a sick fuck. She also passes by Ser Dontos the Knight/Fool. 

Dontos: Be brave, my little one!

Sansa: Oh wow, coming up and whispering to me in public in front of everyone. Very smooth. What a smart way to be secretive about our plot together, Dontos.

Finally they arrive and Sansa kneels before the king. 

Joffrey: You must answer for your brother's treason!

Lancel: Yes! Your brother led an army full of wargs who used tricks and evil magic to defeat our far superior Lannister forces! That's the only thing that makes logical sense. Not that his army was better than ours. They attacked at night like cowards when our forces slept and then ate their corpses.

Sansa: That really doesn't sound very plausible.

Joffrey: I am going to beat the shit out of you as punishment for that!

Sansa: Please, no! I have done nothing to harm you.

Joffrey: Sure you have. Remember when your wolf ate my arm?

Sansa: That was Arya's wolf, not mine! My Lady was innocent and did nothing wrong. Yet you killed her anyway.

Joffrey: Uh, as I recall it was YOUR FATHER who killed Lady.  But if you want to talk about me killing... that's cool. I want to kill you too, but my mother says not to, because then Robb will kill Uncle Jaime. So instead I will merely have you beaten. Hound... BEAT HER, NOW!

Hound: Nah.

Joffrey just stands there with a stupid look on his face. 

Joffrey: DO IT!

Hound: Nope.

Things start to get super awkward. So Dontos runs into the middle and hits Sansa with a big, soft, inflatable party balloon, shaped like a mace. It doesn't hurt at all, but Sansa sees what Dontos is trying to do. He's trying to distract everyone so Sansa doesn't get the shit beaten out of her for real. It's working pretty well, because everyone is laughing at the fool's antics. Everyone except for Joffrey. 

Joffrey: Nope. Not good enough. I want a REAL beating.

Meryn Trant pushes Dontos out of the way while Boros Blount punches Sansa in her stomach. Boros then pulls out a knife and starts to rub it against Sansa's thighs. 

Hound: Enough of this shit, stop it.

Joffrey: NO! I'm the King! Don't listen to the Hound! Listen to me! Beat her!

And so Boros, who is obvioulsy a sick fuck, takes his knife and begins to cut Sansa's clothes off in front of everyone. Things are looking REALLY bad until... 

Voice: --WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

Everyone turns around and looks. 

Tyrion: What are you sick fucks doing to this poor girl? What sort of pussy-ass, punk bitch of a "knight" tortures an innocent girl?

Boros: I do as the King commands!

Tyrion: Oh really? Well, the King is a sick, twisted, mentally ill child and I am his HAND, who really rules until he comes of age. And OH LOOK, I'm also not alone.

Tyrion snaps his fingers and from behind emerge his sellswords and tribesmen.

Boros: I'm not scared of them.

Macho Man Randy Savage jumps off the top ropes and gives Ser Boros Blount an atomic elbow drop. It is so powerful that Boros dies right there. However, let's just go ahead and say that Boros has an identical twin, also named Boros, so that future chapters that include him can go on without continuity errors. 

The Hound then takes off his cloak and wraps Sansa up so that she's no longer naked. 

Joffrey: How dare you! I am the King and I can do as I like!

Tyrion: Yeah, some other kings said that as well. Like Aerys II. Do you know what happened to him?

Boros's Identical Twin, Boros: How dare you threaten the king! I will tell Cersei of this.

Tyrion: Oh, it's not a threat. It's a history lesson. I'm teaching my nephew. And what do you think, Joffrey? Do you need Boros to run and tell your mommy? Huh? Huh? In front of all these witnesses here are you going to cry to mommy and ask for her help? I thought you were a KING, not a bitch boy who cries for mommy to save him.

Thoroughly embarrassed, Joffrey does nothing.

Tyrion: If you keep being a little punk, your reign will be shorter than me. You can NOT threaten people and beat them to win their love.

Joffrey: Mother tells be it's better to be feared than loved. And Sansa FEARS me.

Tyrion: Oh wow... a twelve year old girl fears you. Good job. But Stannis and Renly Baratheon aren't twelve year old girls. They will fucking eat you alive. Ugh. I can't even look at your shitty ass anymore. Come on, let's get out of here. And bring Sansa.

So Tyrion and his crew roll out, taking Sansa with them back to the Tower of the Hand. Sansa is a little nervous, obviously. She hasn't been back to the Tower since it was her father's place. And can this Tyrion guy be trusted? He is a Lannister, after all.  But Tyrion sees that Maester Frenken looks after Sansa and treats her wounds. 

Despite all this kindness, Sansa still doesn't trust Tyrion because Tyrion is physically unattractive to her. And Sansa is a terrible, shallow human being who only likes people if she finds them attractive. 

Sansa: HEY!

Sansa stays the night to recover. She tries to go to the godswood, but is told it's too late.  When she wakes the next morning, she refuses breakfast because she thinks it's some trick. Then Tyrion shows up. 

Tyrion: You know girl, you're my GUEST. Not my prisoner. Stop hating on me. Eat your stupid food.

Sansa: Is it true what they say? About my brother's army?

Tyrion: It's true that they won the battle, yes. All that warg and sorcery shit though? Nah. The Lannister armies are fucking incompetent. That was just an excuse they made up. But Robb Stark isn't my problem. He's my father's problem. My problem is this fucking asshole, Joffrey.

Sansa: Don't say that about him! He is my beloved husband-to-be and I love him with all my heart.

Tyrion: Jesus Christ, girl. You don't have to lie to me. I'm not a moron. By the way, you have your period yet?

Sansa: That was an odd follow-up question. But no, I have not.

Tyrion: Well, that's good I guess. And the follow-up question might have seemed odd, but what I was trying to get at is that there is NO WAY now that you and Joffrey will be married. I know what everyone is saying, but after everything that has happened... nope. Which is a shame, because it was actually one of King Robert's few good ideas.

Sansa: Are you trying to trick me into saying something? I... I... I just want to be loyal.

Tyrion: Yeah, loyal and FAAAAAAAAR away from any Lannisters. Am I right? Look, when I was your age I wanted the same thing.

Sansa still doesn't reply. 

Tyrion: Hey, I notice you've been visiting the godswood a lot lately. What have you been praying for?

Sansa has been praying for Robb to win and for Joffrey to die. But she doesn't say that. 

Sansa: For peace and an end to war.

Tyrion: Eh, whatever. We'll have an end to the war if your brother lays down his arms and goes home. I'd send you home too then.  Look, I want to protect you, I really do.  I'll have my Vale clansmen here protect you.

Macho Man: OOOH YEAAAAAH! Anyone who lays a hand on the Lovely Miss Sansa will have to face the Ma-cho Maaaayne!

Sansa: No thanks, those guys scare me.

Tyrion: I know. But they scare Joffrey too. That's the point.

Sansa: I want to leave! I don't like it here. This is where all of my father's men were murdered. I just want to go back to my own bedchamber.

Tyrion: Sure, sure. I get it. Okay, we'll send you back then. 

ACoK 31: Catelyn III

Cat and her crew are the first to show up on a new field. It's new because this place used to be the woods. But the woods got all cut down by Stannis to build siege equipment for the upcoming battle. 

Wendel Manderly: Lady, there is no reason for us to stay here. Renly and Stannis mean to go to war, and we have no part of that.

Cat: Do you think I WANT to be here? No. My father is dying and I'd much rather be at Riverrun with him than here. But I promised my son that I would come here for the good of the realm. And so here I am.

Cat then does an extended flashback thinking about the history of Storm's End and shit. But you don't need to hear about that. 

Stannis and his forces are the next to arrive. Stannis rides up with some lady wearing red beside him. Cat does everything she can to try to not sing "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh to herself as she sees her. But she fails. 

Stannis: Oh FUCK. Cat Stark?! What the hell are you doing here? I didn't expect to see your ass. And also, my condolences about your husband dying and everything. Whatever. I didn't even like that a-hole.

Cat: WOW. And you wonder why no Lords actually want to follow you?

Stannis: What did that guy ever do for me?

Cat: Let's see, let's see... so recently he gave his life in order to defend YOUR RIGHT to be King rather than Joffrey. And if we flash back to, let's say, Robert's Rebellion... then you were also being sieged here at Storm's End and about to die. Then my husband rode up to break the siege and saved you.

Stannis: Yeah yeah yeah. So at the cost of his own life he provided the strongest evidence that I am the rightful king by blood to the Iron Throne and he also saved my life as well as the lives of all my men. BIG DEAL. I mean OTHER THAN THAT what has he ever done for me? 

Cat: *sigh*

Stannis: I mean, he got to be Hand of the King when I wanted to be but I'm a petty bitch that's jealous because my brother liked him more than he liked me. Whatever. Regardless of how I feel about him, I promise to avenge your husband's murder when I capture King's Landing. And I promise to deliver you your daughters back, dead or alive. Let's be honest here. Probably dead.

Cat: You're such a charmer, Stannis.

Stannis: So you never really answered why the hell you're here. Have you and your shitty kid Robb thrown in and allied with my dickhead brother, Renly? Because you know I'm the RIGHTFUL heir. I have come here to claim Renly's armies.  If you aren't with me then you're against me. etc. etc.

Cat: We haven't thrown in with anyone. I'm neutral. We only come to extend a hand in friendship to anyone who will listen and avoid senseless warring against one another.

Stannis: Wait... what was that word you said?

Cat: Which word?

Stannis: You said something in-between "hand" and "anyone who will listen."

Cat: Friendship?

Stannis: Yeah, that's it. What's that?

Cat: I'm confused. You don't know what "friendship" means?

Stannis: No.

Cat: Well, it's the emotions or conduct of friends, or the state of being friends.

Stannis: And what's a "friend?"

Cat: COME ON! You have to know what that means.

Stannis: No. I have no clue what friends are.

Cat: I'm not sure why that surprises me. It really shouldn't since nobody fucking likes you. OH WAIT! That Onion Guy. Whatshisname?

Stannis: Davos Seaworth?

Cat: Yes. Wouldn't you call him a "friend?"

Stannis: No, I'd call him my "subject."

Then Renly and his University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors ride up. 

Renly: OH SHIT! Stannis!! You are looking old and rough, my man. And what the fuck is up with those banners that your army is waving? Those aren't the House Baratheon banners.

Melisandre: It is the fiery heart of the Lord of Light!!!

Renly: So I guess that "Stannis has joined a cult" thing is true, huh? Probably one of those crazy sex cults like Allison Mack from Smallville joined. Whatever. I guess it's a good thing you have a different banner. If we both had the same banner, this battle could get really confusing.

Cat: Please my Lords, I beg you not to battle one another. Our true enemy is he Lannisters.

Renly: Yeah, that's cool. I'd prefer not to fight too. And there is an easy way for that to happen. Stannis just needs to get down from his horse, walk over to me, and then bend his fucking knee.

Stannis: HELL NO! I'm the oldest. You will bend the knee to me, usurper!

Cat: Please you two, be reasonable.

Stannis: Reasonable? Speaking of usurpers, Lady Stark, I consider your son Robb to be one as well. I am the ONLY king. Once I'm done with Renly here, your shitty traitor son is next on my list.

Cat: You know, some will call YOU the usurper, given that Robert has two totally legitimate sons that come before you in the line - Joffrey and Tommen.

Everyone just laughs at that, including Cat. It is pretty hilarious.

Renly: Oh Cat, you have GOT to see the letter that Stannis sent to everyone about those kids being bastards of incest. It is hardcore. Totally self-serving on Stannis's part because it works to promote only his claim. But still, a hilarious read.

Cat: Why is this shit only coming out now? If Stannis knew about this already then why did my husband have to die CSI'ing this shit?

Stannis: I had already told the last Hand, Jon Arryn, about my knowledge. If I had told Robert myself then he would not have listened. But if he heard it from his trusted friend, Jon... well...  that would be different. But then Jon died. By no accident, I'm sure.

Cat: My sister Lysa, Jon's widow, also pointed the finger at the Lannisters for his murder.

Renly: Whatever. Who cares about these dead people and all these bullshit claims over who has the "right" to the throne?  The bottom line is who has the bigger army to TAKE the throne? And that person would be me.

Renly then reaches under his cloak, as if to draw out his sword. Stannis immediate reacts by starting to draw his own sword. But then we see that Renly doesn't pull out a sword at all. Instead, he has a peach in his hands. 

Renly: So you want a peach, Stannis? Man, I love eating peaches! If you know what I mean! Hahaha, because they look like vulvas and boy do I love eating those.

Cat: Okay, you're trying too hard, Renly. It's just not that effective a lie with those rainbow flags waving in the background.

Stannis: Get that peach out my face, moron. No I don't want that shit.

Renly: A man should never refuse a sweet, fresh peach. Soon we won't have any for quite some time. After all... WINTER IS COMING.

Cat: Stop that! You're not supposed to say that line. That's a Winterfell thing.

Renly: Now you refuse my peach, Stannis? Rude. After you also refused to even come to my wedding with Margaery.

Stannis: Come on, everyone knows that wedding was a farce. Less than a year ago you were plotting to marry that whore to Robert and now you take her yourself?

Renly: Farce? Hahaha, no! A year ago I planned to marry her to Robert because Robert was the king. Well now Robert is dead and I'm the king, so I married her.  And Margaery is no whore. In fact, she was a maiden when I first took her to the bed chamber.

Stannis: And she's gonna stay that way if she's married to you.

Melisandre: OOOOH! Burn!

Stannis: Get it? Get it? Because you're a homosexual and you're not even really interested in her.

Cat: Yeah, everyone got it, Stannis. No need to explain the joke.

Renly: Pfft, while we're talking about people who never have sex with women... look at yourself, Stannis.  You have ZERO male heirs. Only one girl with a stone face. Me and my queen are going to pop out a TON of boy heirs from all the hot sex I do with her. Which I will, by the way, be totally interested in because I love the peaches. As demonstrated by me eating this one. Obviously. Because I'm straight.  Anyway, I get it it Stannis. If I was married to that ugly wife of yours, I'd send my fool in to bed her too.

At that point, Stannis has had enough and pulls out his sword, [fake] Lightbringer. It glows oddly in the wind and everyone looks at it. 

Stannis: I would kill you now, Renly, if not for the sake of our dear dead mother and father. So, in deference to them, I will give you until dawn tomorrow to lay down your arms and bend the knee to me. I will forgive your treason and make you my heir until I have you a son and everything. Even put you on my war council. But you must bend the knee.  If you have not done so by dawn... it will be WAR!

Renly: HAHAHAHA, OH MAN! Behind me I am supported by the Houses Rowan, Tarly, Caron, Tarth, Penrose, Fossoway, Cuy, Mullendore, Estermont, Selmy, Hightower, Mahoney, Tackleberry, Sweetchuck, McGlunk, Conklin, Jones, Hooks, Callahan, Oakheart, Crane, Caswell, Blackbar, Morrigen, Beesbury, Shermer, Dunn, Footly and Florent. And do you realize how messed up that last House is? Florent? That's the House of your WIFE! Your own wife's House has sided with me.  There are only two Houses that have sided with you, Stannis.  And those are the Houses of JACK and SHIT.

Stannis: Shut up. A good third of those Houses are just names of Police Academy characters.

Cat: What did I JUST SAY about not explaining the jokes, Stannis?

And with that, Renly turns around and rides off. 

Lady Stark, being awful at the "I'm neutral in this" thing, rides off with Renly. How does riding off with one side make you appear to be neutral, exactly? Whatever.

Cat: Renly, I implore you not to go to war. Stannis has the right of it, you know. He is the heir by law if Joffrey is the child of Jaime Lannister.

Renly: Yeah, I guess he's the heir so long as he is alive. Which means that technicality won't be a problem after dawn tomorrow.  Because I GONNA KILL HIS AYASS!

Cat sighs and rides back with Renly. These two dickhead brothers just won't get their shit together. Which means that Robb is going to have to fight the Lannisters alone. 

When they get back to Renly's main army, his advisors give council. 

Lord Rowan: Our castle has great provisions and we could hold in a siege for a long time. I say we stay in the castle and let Stannis attack and exhaust his resources.

Renly: And not face him in a head-to-head battle? Then the people will say I am scared of him. No! We fight on the field... tomorrow at dawn!

Renly then goes naming which Lords will command which parts of their army. The overall leader is, of course, given to the Knight of Flowers. 

Renly: *winks*

Loras Tyrell: *winks back*

Cat: Okay, enough of this shit. I'm leaving. I saw a sept back in that village and I need to pray for all of your dumb asses.  I think you need to pray too.

Renly: Oh yes, I will pray. But I'll need some help doing so. Loras, come back to my private chambers and help me... uhm... pray.  Lady Cat, I will send one of my Rainbow Guard, Ser Robar Royce, to escort you to the village. I want him to bring you back tomorrow so that you can watch me win this awesome battle and report back to Robb how sweet my army is.

Cat rolls her eyes and ventures to the nearby village with Ser Robar escorting her.

Cat: Do I know you? You look sort of familiar.

Robar: Well, my dad is Yohn Royce, bannerman to House Arryn.

Cat: Oh yeah, right. Don't you have a brother or something?

Robar: Yeah, an older brother, Andar. He appeared in the last book at the Hand's Tournament with me but will never be mentioned or seen again. Of course, I also have a younger brother, Waymar. He was sent up to the Wall. But nobody has seen him in a while. My dad keeps asking, "Where is Waymar? What happened to Waymar?"

Cat: Oh right. The prologue guy.

Robar: Huh?

Cat: Never mind. 

ACoK 30: Arya VII

Arya, being inquisitive as she is, wonders what King Harren originally named the five towers of Harrenhal. Now they are known by their post-Dragon burning names: the Tower of Dread, the Widow's Tower, the Wailing Tower, the Tower of Ghosts, and the Kingspyre Tower. Together the five towers can also form Voltron: The Defender of the Universe. 

Arya now sleeps and works in the vaults beneath the Wailing Tower. Not to be confused with a "Whaling" Tower, as it would be hard to extract oils from Cetacea from a stationary, land-bound tower. 

Life still sucks for Arya, but things are moderately better than before. She can regularly eat food and bathe now. She occasionally sees Gendry working in the forge and Hot Pie in the kitchens. And although she still fears for her life it's not as bad as when The Mountain was having people executed every day for no reason. 

Arya mainly sweeps the floors, runs errands, sends messages, delivers water and food to Lannisters men, and sometimes does some table bussing. Her boss is Weese, who is a giant piece of shit.

Arya: I'm adding him to my list of names of people to die. Fuck this dude.

Arya doesn't bother to learn the names of her co-workers. Not because she's anti-social, but because people here tend to die, and she prefers not to get to know people's names if they're just going to die soon anyway.  A lot of these morons are scared of the "Ghost of Harrenhal." But Arya isn't scared of ghosts. She's scared of these very much alive asshole Lannister men.

Sometimes she feels like revealing who she is to see if that will get her out of this situation. But she figured Weese wouldn't believe her, and would just beat the shit out of her for making up a story. So she doesn't do anything. 

Arya's only source of entertainment, since TV hasn't been invented yet, is vicariously listening to stories being told by all these Lannister men. They talk and talk and talk, and act like "the help" isn't even there, listening. Like they're nobodies that are too stupid to hear. 

Solider: Oh, do you know about this girl here named Pia? She is sleeping with EVERYONE. All you have to do is take a number.

Other Solider: That's nothing! Have you hear about the wife of the jailer? She's pregnant... and not by him!

Third Solider: Did you hear Lord Lefford keeps a candle by his bed at night because he's scared of ghosts? Hahha! What a punk!

Soldier: That's nothing! I hear the cooks spit on certain people's food. Want me to tell you which ones?

Other Solider: Who cares about spitting in food? I heard a rumor that Joffrey Baratheon is a bastard. Lord Tywin ordered the message about it to be burned.

Weese: I hear those Baratheon brothers Stannis and Renly are claiming the throne. Crazy, right?

Third Soldier: That's old news. I hear that Beric Dondarian is finally dead. Killed by the Bloody Mummers.

Solider: That's such bullshit. Everyone claims they killed Beric. Amorch Lorch said he killed him too.

Other Solider: Yeah, and The Mountain claims he killed him already... TWICE!

Arya: What the fuck is this shit? Gossip Girls: Westeros?

Two weeks later, the aforementioned "Bloody Mummers" arrive in town riding their strange black-and-white horses. They are a rag-tag group of sellswords carrying a flag with a black goat on it. They look like they have seen some shit... and killed tons of people along the way. 

Vargo Hoat: Greetings, I am Vargo Hoat, leader of the "Brave Companions."

Solider: What the fuck is that you're riding?

Vargo: A zorse.

Other Solider: SHUT UP! Just call it a fucking "Zebra."

Third Soldier: Why do you have a goat on your flag?

Vargo: G.O.A.T. Greatest Of All Time. YEAH!

Soldier: Really? That's what the goat stands for?

Vargo: Nah man, we're from the Free City of Qohor, in Essos.  Our god is a black goat. That's all.

Immediately these "Brave Companion" guys start getting into fights with the other soldiers. Probably over petty arguments like, "Who the hell worships a goat?" Lord Tywin has to hang a bunch of people just to calm everyone the fuck down by letting them know "Hey, if you get into another fight I will hang you."

It's a pretty effective strategy. 

The Brave Companions don't stay long. Soon they leave to go out to battle again, but not before dropping some more gossip that Arya can overhear. 

Vargo Hoat: Hey man, we're heading out to go fight Roose Bolton by the Ruby Ford. Peace, bitches!

Next Arya hears rumors about captives from the Battle of the Green Fork. She tries to meet some of them, thinking that maybe these Stark-allied men can help her escape. One of them is a goddamn fat Manderly son. So he doesn't care about escaping. He just cares about whether or not the kitchen has eel pies to eat. It doesn't, but he eats everything else anyway. 

The next group to arrive in town is led by Ser Amory Lorch, the same dick who burned down the village they were in and had Yoren killed. But who she sees with Amory is what REALLY pisses her off.

Arya: OH SHIT! It's Jaqen H'ghar, Rorge and Biter. I freed them from that caged cart when the barn was on fire. And what do they do? They JOIN team Lannister? FUCK THAT! I hate them. I should have never saved their lives. Just like Gendry said. I'm going to strongly consider adding their names to my list.

Arya thinks she's all slick and shit. She thinks Jaqen H'ghar didn't even notice her when she walked by.  

She goes to bed that night and is awoken by a man holding her mouth down. 

Jaqen H'ghar: A boy had become a girl. A man is very confused by this. Is this some Katelyn Jenner shit?

Arya: No, I was always a girl. Just pretending to be a boy.

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl has saved three lives. Therefore three lives is owed.

Arya: Wait... what? Can you speak in a less cryptic and poetic voice and just describe the situation to me in plain English?

Jaqen H'ghar: You saved me, Rorge and Biter from dying. The Red God was expecting three lives. According to my particular religious beliefs, because you saved our three lives... I am now bound in service to kill three people of your choice in return.

Arya: Oh damn, that is a SWEET religion. Oh man. SO MANY NAMES! SO MANY NAMES!  Weese, Dunsen, Chiswyck, Polliver, Raff the Sweetling, the Tickler, the Hound, Ser Gregor, Ser Amory Lorch, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, and King Joffrey and Queen Cersei. How do I even choose?

Jaqen H'ghar: I'll give you some time to sleep on it.

And so he leaves.

Arya takes some time to consider who she wants to kill. The next morning she yawns and Weese beats the shit out of her for it. So Weese is a pretty strong contender on the list. She thinks about running to Jaqen to give him the name ASAP. But then again... can she really trust this guy? He is with the Lannisters now, after all. Is this some sort of trick? 

Weese sends her to go up and see if some Lannister men need their clothes mended. She walks into the room and hears a bunch of them talking. She decides not to interrupt them because she might get beat for interrupting them. Or for NOT interrupting them. This is a lose-lose situation, really.

Chiswyck: Hey, so check this out. I got to tell you all this awesome story. We went to this alehouse, right. And there was this cute serving girl. So we all started sexually assaulting her and she ran away. Then we went to the kitchen to go grab her. Then all of us started repeatedly raping her. Over and over. Her brother ran out to protect her, and so Raff just stabbed him in the heart with a knife and he died. Then The Mountain was like, "this isn't rape, we're just having sex with a whore." And he threw the girl's father a silver coin as payment. But then check this out... after we all repeatedly raped that girl, the Mountain asked for some change back because he said that the girl wasn't even worth a single silver. HAHAHAHA! Isn't that the best story ever? So hilarious! What a great tale! I tell it everywhere I go. It's all true and represents the type of human being I am. The type who lives to be involved in gang-rape while forcing the girl's father to watch as that happen and as while we murder his son.

Arya: Oh, this is one sick fuck.

Arya walks away without even asking is anyone needed their clothes mended. 

Weese: Did you ask?

Arya: Nah.

Weese beats the shit out of Arya. She doesn't care though. Two days later, she runs into Jaqen H'ghar in some big hall where she's filling everyone's wine cups. As she walks to to Jaquen to fill his cup, she whispers in his ear...

Arya: Chiswyck.

A few pass and nothing happens. She thinks maybe Jaquen is full of shit. BUT THEN... she hears some more gossip.

Solider: Did you hear, man? Fucking Chiswyck just randomly fell off a walkway and died!

Other Solider: Oh MAN! That's messed up. I wonder if it was the Ghost of Harrenhal.

Arya: HAHAHA... I, ARYA STARK, AM THE GHOST OF HARRENHAL, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

ACoK 29: Tyrion VII

It's, like, the middle of the damn night and there is a knock on Tyrion's door. 

Tyrion: What the hell? I was watching Red Shoe Diaries!

Podrick Payne: What? Really? That still comes on?

Tyrion: Nah man, I have the VHS cassette tapes. I just can't get enough of David Duchovny walking in slow motion on train tracks with his dog.

Pod: Okay, now you're just fucking with me.  Lancel Lannister is here to see you.

Tyrion: Hahaha! Probably sent by Cersei. Like fucking LANCEL could intimidate me. I bet she thinks that him coming in the middle of the night will catch me off guard. But it won't since I'm usually up at this time anyway doing work because I'm a boss Hand of the King like that.  Anyway, I'll mess up my hair to make it look like I just woke up anyway. Play along with her little ruse.

Pod: Whatever.

Pod lets Lancel in and excuses himself.

Lancel: The Queen DEMANDS that you release Pycelle from the dungeons!

Tyrion: Oh, is she feeling better? Glad to hear that happened before the plumbing of the Red Keep burst and flooded the dungeons. If Pycelle had died down there, it would have been from Cersei's own feces mudslide.

Lancel: Gross.

Tyrion: Here, have some mulled wine. It will help you sleep, since you're up at this late hour.

Lancel: NO! I came here to intimidate you like the big, strong boy I am! Not to drink with you!

Tyrion starts laughing at how pathetic Lancel is at being tough. 

Lancel: And the queen also demands that Jacelyn Bywater be fired for defying one of her orders!

Tyrion: Oh, so I guess that means she ordered HIM to release Pycelle first and he said no? So only now she's bold enough to come after me? This is such weak sauce. You two are such punk-ass bamas.

Lancel: What? Bama?

Tyrion: Don't worry about it. Go to Urban Dictionary if it concerns you that much.

Lancel starts to reach for his sword.

Tyrion: If you so much as touch that fucking play sword you have there, I will have Macho Man Randy Savage come in here and give you a gutwrench suplex right out of the window. It will be just like what King Longshanks did to his son's lover, Philip, in Braveheart.

Lancel: That film is not historically accurate. The character of Philip is most likely based on Sir Phillip de Mowbray, who was killed in a battle in 1318 -- well after the death of Longshanks himself. And there is zero evidence that he had any sort of sexual relationship with Edward II. Although whether or not Edward II was bisexual is certainly still up for historic debate. And that's just the beginning of the historical inaccuracies. Take the Battle of Stirling Bridge, for instance. There wasn't even a bridge in the film. And William Wallace sleeping with Edward II's wife, Princess Isabella of France? First of all, she wasn't even married to Edward II until after Wallace's death. And even if you ignored that, she was born in 1295. The scene where she has sex with Wallace in the movie isn't given a particular date, but it obviously occurs sometime between the Battle of Falkirk (1298) and his capture and execution in 1305. That means Wallace would be having sex with, at max, a nine year old. And Isabella and her maids speaking in French to each other to be secretive and hide their plots from the English? That wouldn't have worked at all. King Edward was a Plantagenet, meaning he came from the royal house which originated from the lands of Anjou, France. Pretty much all English nobility spoke French. Not as a second language - but as their FIRST language. Common use of  English by nobility and the ruling government didn't really occur until August 1417 when Henry V issued an edict promoting the English language. That was in the middle of the Hundred Years War of England against France too, so it probably only occurred as a bit of an anti-Franco sentiment. Like how after France didn't support the US Invasion of Iraq in 2003, some morons started calling french fries "Freedom Fries."

Tyrion: Cool, cool. So when you fuck Cersei... does she let you do a cream pie or do you just pop your load on her stomach?

Lancel turns red and says nothing. 

Tyrion: I wonder what KING Joffrey will say if I tell him that you're banging out his mom.

Lancel: I... I... I only did as I was ordered! Lord Tywin commanded be to obey all of Cersei's commands when I became King Robert's squire!

Tyrion: What? Did my father order you to fuck my sister? Your own cousin?

Lancel: No! I mean... not directly... but... PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T TELL JOFFREY! THAT DUDE IS A SICK FUCK! HE WILL MURDER ME!

Tyrion: But I am duty bound, by my honor, to inform the King of this. You know, unless we can make some sort of deal. Like you becoming my spy and telling me what Cersei is up to.

Lancel: ANYTHING! ANYTHING!

Tyrion: Oh man, this was almost too easy. So here is what I will do. I will release Pycelle to the Queen's custody. That way Cersei can THINK you came in here and intimidated me. That dumb bitch won't suspect a thing. But we'll know the truth. And you'll tell me all the shit she tells you. If not... well... the Joffrey thing.

Lancel: Of course! So sorry! So sorry!  Also, to answer your earlier question... I pop my load on her stomach.

And then Lancel runs away. 

Tyrion: Jesus, it's a good thing that my uncle Kevan Lannister has other sons because Cersei is going to kill that moron as soon as she figures out that he's become my spy.  And even if Cersei doesn't kill him... what happens when Jaime comes back? If Jamie finds out that Lancel has been doing Cersei... then HE'D kill him. Needless to say, this dumbass is doomed.

And with that done, it's now the middle of the night but Tyrion is restless. 

Tyrion: PODRICK! Get your ass back in here!

Pod: Yes, m'lord.

Tyrion: Summon Bronn and get my horses ready. It's time for a late night booty call to Chataya's brothel.

And so the same-ol, same-ol happens. Just like last time; you get the drill. They head out to Chataya's brothel and Tyrion pretends that he's going to see Chataya's daughter, Alayaya. But really he exits through a secret passage and goes to a DIFFERENT brothel to see Shae.

ACoK 28: Bran IV

Meera Reed is dumb enough to try to take on Bran's direwolf, Summer, in the Winterfell godswood. She is armed with this awesome frog-hunting trident thing with a net. Summer is armed with the fact that he's a giant wolf with fangs and claws.

Yet somehow, Meera is able to catch Summer in the net and win the fight.

Summer: *woof* [Translation: What the hell? When I get out of here, I am going to eat this bitch!]

Jojen: Whooaaa, man! That was some choice fighting there, Meera. But fighting is never the answer. We should all just get along and become one. Man. Woman. Direwolf. All the animals. All the flowers. Together.

Bran: Come here, Summer! Come!

Summer breaks free and goes over to Bran, instead of killing Meera. He's a good boy.

Bran: Wow that was cool, Meera. I can't believe you did that! You two are super awesome. Much better than those Frey kids. I wish you two were living with me rather than these shitty Freys. Did your master at arms teach you how to fight?

Meera: No. Our father did. We don't have any master at arms, nor knights, nor ravens. We just live the swamp life at mobile Greywater Watch.

Bran: It sounds awesome. When the war is over, I want to come down and hang out with you.

Jojen: Haha, because you, like, totally think that my sister is a foxy mama. I get it, man.

Bran: WHAT?! Uhh... no I don't!

Jojen: It's cool, man. It's cool. Peace and love. Let's just smoke some grass and become one with our animals.

Bran: No. I swear! It's just... I really want to leave Winterfell. This place sucks. Just let me give you a quick flashback about something that happened to prove my point...

Earlier... Bran finds himself with Ser Rodrick.

Rodrick: Oh shit, Bran! I got to give you the latest gossip on this Lady Hornwood shit!

Bran: Whaaaaat? Nobody cares about Lady Hornwood. Those chapters about Lady Hornwood's dating situation were so boring.

Rodrick: Nah, this is some cool shit here. Remember when we talked about that bastard son of Lord Bolton, Ramsay? Well... this dude just KIDNAPPED Lady Hornwood and claimed her as his wife. He said the lands were now his.  And then Wyman Manderly marched his men to Hornwood Castle to lay claim to it instead. It's like there is this total civil war here in the north while Robb is down south, fighting.

Bran: WOW! That is crazy. This is a pretty precarious situation up here then, huh?

Rodrick: I know. Would be a shame if someone realised how vulnerable we were up here and attacked us, wouldn't it?

Bran: See the shit I gotta put up with as Lord of Winterfell? I just want to run away.

Meera: I hate to break this to you, but you can't run anywhere. You're crippled.

Bran: I meant metaphorically, you bitch.

Jojen: WHOA! Heavy, man! Heavy. Let's all be as one. I'll pass this joint around and we can all have the greensight.

Bran: What the hell is this greensight shit that Jojen keeps talking about?

Meera: Oh, when he gets high he can see things that have happened. And sometimes... he sees things that haven't happened yet. And then later they do!

Bran: Really?

Jojen: Yes, it's true, man. One day I saw a vision of Mama Cass choking on a ham sandwich. Then, like, a month later... it happened!

Bran: No it didn't.

Meera: What?

Bran: Common urban myth. Cass Elliot died in her sleep. A coroner did an autopsy and determined the cause of death was "fatty myocardial degeneration due to obesity." There was no ham sandwich.

Jojen: Whoah. Maybe I just made up that rumor then. Maybe that urban myth is my fault!

Meera: Are you sure, Bran? Because I was pretty sure that ham sandwich thing was real.

Bran: Yeah, I'm sure. She died at 9 Curzon Square. It's the same place where Keith Moon died four years later.

Meera: WHAT?! Curzon Square?! HOLY SHIT! I stayed at the London Hilton on Park Lane a few years ago. That was just around the corner. I wish I had known that then! I good have done some sightseeing!

Jojen: We don't need to fly to London to see it, Meera. Let's all smoke a doobie and we can float there in our minds and greensee it... without paying those corporate pigs who run the airlines and hotels all that moolah.

Bran: Hey Meera, that's not all you missed when you were in Mayfair, London! You could have also checked out the places where Disraeli, Florence Nightingale, and P.G. Wodehouse lived. Not to mention, you could have gone to the Pine Bar at the Millennium Hotel Mayfair. That's where Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned with Polonium-210 back in 2006!

Meera: WOW! Mayfair sounds like it's great! And with Oxford Street being the northern border of Mayfair and with Soho directly to the east, you know that great shopping and dining is just moments away!

Jojen: WHOA, MAN! STOP THIS CORPORATE ADVERTISEMENT! This feels groady, man.

Bran: Anyway, that greensight shit sounds cool, Jojen. What else do you see in your dreams?

Jojen: Oh, I'll tell you all about my dreams, Brando. But only after you tell me about yours!

Bran: What?! What dreams!? I don't have any crazy dreams. Especially not about turning into animals and stuff.

Jojen: Haha, I knew it! Those aren't dreams, man! It's the greensight. And you don't even need to smoke to have it. It's like your body is naturally high, man. That's so groovy!

Bran: What?

Jojen: I know you! I see you in my dreams, daddy-o! You're the winged wolf, man. But the winged wolf is held down by chains. The chains of "the man." But that's okay, man. Because you're friends with the crow that pecks at those chains. And the crow can set you free, buddy.

Bran: That is some REAL hippy shit there, Jojen. I don't kno---Wait... did you just say... crow?

Jojen: Yeah, man.

Bran: How many eyes does this crow have?

Jojen: Three eyes, daddy-o! Everybody knows that.

Bran: HOLY SHIT! YOU KNOW ABOUT THE THREE-EYED CROW TOO?!

Jojen: Right on, buddy. Everybody who tokes the Mary Jane knows about the Three-Eyed Crow. That hep cat is always trying to bum some corn off everyone he meets.

Bran: Yeah. He does talk about corn a lot. I gotta meet this crow from my dreams!

Jojen: Cool, man. Cool. But if you want to do that then you can't come to Greywater Watch. You have to go north. That's where the crow lives. Beyond the wall. And when the crow opens his third eye... he can see the whole world, man. Just like you can see stuff. Like that night of the Harvest Festival. I knew you were inside of Summer, and I don't mean in a way where you'll get arrested by the pigs for animal abuse. I mean in a way where you and Summer became one. Just like I was one with all my buddies at Woodstock. I even felt you fall in your dream, Bran.

Bran: I'm getting a little uncomfortable with your ability to see my dreams, Jojen. Can we talk about something else?

Jojen: Do you always fall, man? Every time you dream?

Bran: I SAID I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, JOJEN!!!

Bran starts to get angry. And then the direwolves start to get angry. Shaggydog and Summer start to circle Meera and Jojen.

Meera: HOLY SHIT, JOJEN! Stop! Can't you see? Bran is warging into those dogs! His anger is making them angry. They're all connected. He's going to kill us! We need to climb up these trees and escape!

Jojen: No way, Meera. Today is not the day I die, man!

Meera: Again, stop saying that. That's another character's line.

Bran: Whoa, man. Sorry.

Bran starts to calm down. Does his anger really make the direwolves angry? Can he really warg into Summer? Are his dreams real? Is the three-eyed crow real?

Bran: This is so embarrassing. You know what, I'm just going to call Hodor and have him take me away.

And so he does.

Later, Bran finds himself with Maester Luwin.

Bran: Dude, I was totally with Meera and Jojen and they said I had the greensight.

Luwin: Ah, greensight. An old story. They say the Children of the Forest could see the world through the eyes of the weirwood trees. Which is why the First Men cut them all down in the south. They say that the greenseers could control animals and fish and shit.

Bran: It's real, Luwin! Jojen is one. He can see things. Sometimes things in the future and then they come true. Just like when me and Rickon had that dream the same night that dad died. And then it wound up that it was true.

Luwin: *sigh* You know, Bran. There are many mysteries in this world. Do you see my chain? Every link on a Maester's chain represents mastery of a different area of knowledge. The black iron represents knowledge about ravens, gold represents math and economics, brass represents elite breakdancing skills, platinum represents winning every rap battle you've ever participated in.  Very few Maesters have ever earned that link, including myself and Maester P of the No Limit Soldiers. But even rarer still these days are those Maesters who earn the link of Valyrian Steel. That represents magic and the higher mysteries of the world. So I'm sort of an expert in things like greensight. But I can tell you this, Bran... the days of magic are gone. There are no more dragons or giants or Children of the Forest. Neither you nor Jojen Reed are greenseers. If you dreamt of something that happened then it was merely a coincidence.

Later that night, Meera comes to Bran's bedroom.

Bran: Sweet! YESSS!!!

To talk.

Bran: Oh. BOOOOOO!!!

Meera: Why the hell was your direwolf trying to kill me and Jojen earlier? Not cool.

Bran: Sorry. Jojen shouldn't have made me angry by asking me all those questions about my dreams. Summer could tell that I was angry and so he got angry at Jojen. But you're both wrong. Maester Luwin said that we're not greenseers. And he's an expert and has a chain about that kind of shit.

Meera: Did you ever consider that your Maester could be wrong?

Bran: Nope.

Meera: Then let me leave you with this cryptic message then... I bring you another dream from Jojen. You will dine and have the best cut of meat. And the Freys will have a shitty cut of meat. And yet the Freys will enjoy your meal more than you yours.

Bran: Really? That's your cryptic dream? Is that supposed to be some sort of crazy riddle or something? It sounds really lame. Plus I was planning on ordering pizza anyway.