ASoS 26: Jon III

Jon is hanging out with Magnar of Thenn and his fellow Thenn dudes. They plan to head over the Wall... soon.

The Magnar of Thenn: Hey, you're not a double agent trying to betray us, are you?

Jon: No. Of course not. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wonder off and brood alone.

He wonders off, and goes to find wherever Ghost has gotten himself. 

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Whattup?]

Jon: Ghost, we gotta go over the Wall. And there is no way you can come with me. So we're going to have to part ways soon. I'm sorry.  I hope you're smart enough to find Castle Black on your own! That's where you should go, boy. Do you understand me? I hope you do!

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Don't talk down to me, asshole. Of course I understand you. It's well established in this book series that you're part warg yourself and you and me have a mental connection. Based on that, I can clearly understand you. I guess I'll see you at Castle Black. If you live.  Bye, Felicia].

Ghost leaves. Probably to go find some wolf girls to get it on with. Because he's mentally linked with Jon Snow and Jon is thinking about very similar things.

Jon heads back to the camp.

Ygritte: Hey. So we should have sex now. You know, to prove that you're no longer a chaste Crow loyal to the Night's Watch.

Jon: Hrm. I suppose... if I HAVE TO in order to prove myself.

They have the sex. 

Jon: That actually felt pretty good. But now that I've done it, I've proven myself. I never have to do that again! Just once. That's all I needed to do it to prove myself to the Wildlings. It's BARELY even breaking my vows so long as I only do it once.

Ygritte: Hey! Come back here.

They then have sex three more times before the next morning. 

Jon: DAMNIT! Why does that feel so good?! This is so dishonorable. I feel all this shame inside. I wonder if that's how my dad felt when he cheated on mom with some lady to make me, his bastard/

Wildling: HEY WOLF BOY! Stop fucking that ginger. The Magnar and Jarl want to see you.

Jon: Jarl? I forget which one Jarl is again.

Wildling: Some guy that Mance gave joint custody of this company to. Magnar leaves half of it, and Jarl leads the other half of it. But it's a very tense situation because the two hate each other, and are extremely jealous.

Jon: Wow. Why would Mance do that? It doesn't seem to make much sense.

Wildling: Well, I think it's mainly used as a narrative device to show that, even though it SEEMS like we Wildlings are all one big mass of people, we are in fact a bunch of different tribes with different loyalties. Although we all want to live and have joined together under Mance... it's really a paper-thin alliance that could easily fall apart.

Jon: Ah, I see.

Jon goes to see the Magnar and Jarl. 

Magnar: Jon, tell me how these Crow patrols work, so that we can better evade them. AND DON'T FUCKING LIE!

Jon: Well, they ride on mules on top of the Wall in groups of four.  Some groups also on horse survey the case of the Wall. It's a mix of warriors to watch out for Wildlings, as well as builders to check on and verify the condition of the wall. Make sure there aren't any holes or cracks developing.

Magnar: No shit, Sherlock. You're explaining the obvious. What I'm asking is what he schedules are. So that we can go at a time when they're not doing their rounds.

Jon: Ah, well. That's actually done pretty randomly. It's not a set schedule. That way we keep the Wildlings guessing. If we had a set schedule then the Wildlings would be able to simply watch us and figure it out.

Magnar: Ugh. That sucks. And how many of these Castles along the wall are staffed by Crows? And how many Crows are there, total?

Jon: Well, only Castle Black, Eastwatch by the Sea, and the Shadow Tower have men in them. As for the number of men... uhm...

Jon thinks of the accurate number, but then doubles it. 

Magnar: Are you sure that's right? Because it sounds like you thought of an accurate number, but then doubled it.

Jon: What? NO! Of course not.

Magnar: I saw you counting on your fingers. And then you mouthed "what's double that?"

Jon: No. No. I said... err... Double Dare. Not Double That. Remember? That Mark Summers TV game show where the kids got slimed and stuff.

Magnar: We don't have that TV show up where the Thenns live.

Jon: Okay. Is that all you wanted to know? Because I've got to find my new girlfriend. I do not have the self control to stop having sex with her.

Magnar: Fine, whatever. Keep that shit to yourself though. GET A ROOM.

Jon goes looking for her. But he doesn't get a room. He gets a cave.

Jon: What the hell are you doing in this ice cave?

Ygritte: Oh, it's called Gorne's Way.

Jon: Oh, I think I've heard of Gorne. That's some sort of legend about a King Beyond the Wall from thousands of years ago.

Ygritte: Yes. Gorne was looking through these caves to find a secret passage to the other side of the wall underground.  But there are thousands and thousands of tunnels and passages here and he got lost. They say his descendants still wander these caves, centuries later. And they're cannibals. So if people come down here they get eaten by them.

Jon: Okay, first of all... I call bullshit on that whole story. Second... if it is true that's gross because they all must be super inbred now. And last... if it is true then why the hell would you even come down here?

Ygritte: Because there is an awesome hot spring in here. Look!

She takes her clothes off and jumps in the hot spring. I don't remember if there is a spring in the book or if that's just the TV show. But let's just say there is.

Jon: Oh. Okay. I'm up for that. Let me try something new on you that I just thought of.

Jon tries that thing. 

Ygritte: HOLY SHIT! That felt really good. Is that how you southern Lords have sex down there? I really liked that!

Jon: No. It's just something I made up on my own. It doesn't have a name yet.

Ygritte: Let's call it, "Cunnilingus."

Jon: Sure. Why not?

Ygritte: Do it again. I want you to do it to me forever! Let's just say in this cave forever and join Gorne's descendants.

Jon: Well, my tongue will get tired a lot sooner than that, and I don't see a really reliable food source. Also joining a tribe of inbred mole people doesn't sound that appealing.

Ygritte: Why do you have to ruin everything?

ASoS 25: Davos III

Davos sits in a warm jail cell, deep within the volcano of Dragonstone. There is no light, so he cannot really tell night from day. His only clue as to the passage of time is his two jailers - who seem to work on a shift schedule with one being the night jailer and the other being the day jailer.  But his jailers won't even talk to him. 

Davos: HEY! HEY! Tell me what's going on! How is King Stannis? How many of the fleet survived? Are any of my kids alive? And I know this is a long shot... but aas anyone found my lost fingerbones in the ocean?

Jailer: ...

Davos: Ah, well at least you're better than fucking Mord.  *cough*cough* 

Davos goes into a coughing fit. That sickness he caught when he was washed away to sea and stranded on that island still has''t gone away. His cough is awful and he feels like he's going to die. But Maester Pylos stops by every once and a while and helps give him medicine and food to make him better. For a while, he pukes up all the food. Eventually, he improves and feels like he's not dying. 

Davos: I wonder why they're keeping me alive. I bet it's only so that cunt Mel can sacrifice me on the pyre to her red god anyway.

Melisandre: Bitch, you talking shit about me?

Davos: Oh... oh SHIT! Mel... I didn't know you were there. But in fairness, it's super dark here. So how would I?

Mel: The night is dark and full of terrors.

Davos: You're a broken record with that shit. So you gotta burn me or what? You evil fucking mother of darkness.

Mel: Oooh... Mother of Darkness? Band Name?

Davos: Hrm. Maybe.

Mel: But anyway... no. I'm actually the opposite of that. The Lord of Light's purpose for me is to keep the darkness at bay.

Davos: At bay? Huh? Interesting choice of words. Because the last time I was in a BAY with you, it was the bay outside of Storm's End and you made me steer my boat up into the secret tunnels where you gave birth to an EVIL FUCKING SHADOW BABY that MURDERED Cortnay Penrose.

Mel: Shadows only exist where there is light. Anyway, I can't do that again because King Stannis is too weak to mount me and put that magical shadow baby seed in me.  But I guess I could technically take some love juice from anyone if I really wanted. Including you. So how about you at least enjoy yourself while you're imprisoned?

Davos: Wait... you're trying to have sex with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GET AWAY FROM ME! I want nothing to with your crazy fucking cult religion. It's worse than scientology.

Mel: Your faith in the false seven gods is misplaced. There are not seven - there are only two. Two sides in the great war! On one side there is my god, the god of light - R'hllor. Then there is the Great Other, whose name must not be spoken, the Lord of Darkness, the Soul of Ice, the God of Night and Terror.

Davos: Voldemort?

Mel: Which side do you serve? I look into your heart and I see doubt.

Davos: Yeah, doubt and arterial plaque.

Mel: Why did you try to kill me?

Davos: I got a question for you instead - who betrayed me and told you of my plan? Was it fucking Saan, that shithead pirate?

Mel: Technically nobody betrayed you. I saw it in the flames. Although admittedly, after I saw it in the flames you shouted to the entire island that you planned on killing me. So that's on you.

Davos: Well, if you can see the future in the flames... then how come we lost at King's Landing?

Mel: If I was allowed to come to the battle, things would have been very different and we would have won. The Lord of Light chose to punish Stannis for his lack of faith.  Despiet that lack of faith, Stannis still remains the Lord's chosen one - Azor Ahai reborn.

Davos: Say what now?

Mel: Azor Ahai. The legendary hero who wielded the blade, Lightbringer. You know. Hyrkoon the Hero?

Davos: Nope. Never heard of him.

Mel: Yin Tar?

Davos: Nah.

Mel: Neferion.

Davos: No.

Mel: Eldric Shadowchaser.

Davos: Still not ringing a bell.

Mel: The chosen one! For it was foretold that when the red star bleeds that--

Davos: --OH GOD NO. NOT THIS COMET SHIT AGAIN. I THOUGHT WE LEFT THIS COMET STUFF BEHIND IN THE LAST BOOK!

Mel: Whatever. The point is that Stannis is that guy. And you, Davos, you have served R'hollor as well... even as you doubt his existence. The flames tell me that you still have a role to play.

She leaves. 

Davos: Cryptic.

Three days later... or at least what Davos THINKS is three days, due to the changeover of guards...

Ser Axell Florent: Get in this jail cell, traitor!!!!

Florent comes down and throws in a new prisoner, his own relative and the Hand of King Stannis, Alester Florent. 

Davos: What the hell? Aren't you Stannis's Hand?

Alester: Yes! I am! Or was, I guess.

Davos: Then why are you being thrown in this dungeon with me?

Alester: We've lost this war! Stannis will never take the Iron Throne. But he's a fool. He won't leave his room and he holds on to these impossible dreams. All he does is hang out with the Red Woman and mumble about waking up "stone dragons" from the depths of Dragonstone. He's going to get us all killed! All I wanted to do was try to salavge something from this mess. All I wanted to do was make some sort of peace that would prevent us all from being executed. So I wrote a letter to Tywin Lannister, offering terms. Stannis gives up his claim to the throne and retracts his statement that Joffrey is an incest child. In exchange, he's confirmed as Lord of Dragonstone and Storm's End and we have peace.  And I was going to offer to seal the deal by marrying Shireen to Tommen.

Davos: Well, Stannis is a stubborn asshole. He's never going to yield. He's never going to retract his statement about Joffrey. Especially because he believes it's true. And since he thinks it's true... that means he thinks that Tommen is an incest baby. Which means he'd never allow Shireen to be married to him. So your plan is sort of shit.

Alester: Well yeah, Stannis obviously thought so too. Hence be being thrown in this jail.

Alester then begins crying. 

Davos: Ugh. I think it was better when I was alone.

ASoS 24: Bran II

Bran, Meera, Jojen and Hodor are walking through the woods and the hilly mountains of the north.

Summer:  *Woof* [Translation: Hey! I’m here too! Just because I’m not a human doesn’t mean that you get to leave me out].

My apologies. Summer is there too.

Meera: I love going through the mountains. So much fun! *stubs toe* OW! I fucking hate these mountains.

Bran: You can't both LOVE and HATE them, Meera.

Meera: Why not?

Bran: Because they're two totally opposite things like ice and fire.

Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Ice and Fire" flashes again and again.

Bran: What the hell?

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the mountains.

Bran: Ugh. No. Lame. These mountains are lame. This would be so much faster if we could just travel on the Kingsroad like normal people.

Jojen: Like, no way, dude. *smokes weed* The 4-0 is gonna catch us if we do that. You’re, like, supposed to be dead, Bran. Someone could recognize you. We need to, like, avoid meeting travelers on the road at any cost.

Traveler on the Road: Oh, hi there!

Jojen: DAMNIT!

Traveler on the Road: No, it’s cool. Don’t worry about me. I’m a mountain person. You can trust me.

Bran: Yeah, I see you got that pinecone brooch. That must mean that you’re from the House Liddle. The House Liddle are loyal to the Starks.

Liddle: I’d prefer if you call it a “clasp” rather than “brooch,” since brooch sounds like it’s some sort of fancy, ornate decoration for middle-aged women.

Bran: I mean it’s shaped like a pinecone. That’s pretty decorative. In order to call it a “clasp,” I’d think it would have to be a boring rectangular or circular fastener.  Once it gets decorative, it turns into a brooch. That is a brooch, sir. I'm not trying to be harsh and I'm not judging you. But I'm calling a spade a spade. I'm keeping it real. It's a brooch, just fucking own it, man.

Liddle: Whatever. You guys want some oakcakes, blood sausage and ale?

Hodor: Ah yes! That would be quite delectable indeed, good ser! For oatcakes are quite pleasant and high in nutrients. It will be most well for our journey northward. And blood sausage? Another treat that will give us lots of energy for our travels ahead! While the name might be quite offputting to many, blood sausage is quite delicious. It’s flavors can vary from region to region though, as much of the flavor comes from the seasonings. English/Irish blood sausage, the more Spanish-style Morcilla, as well as Asian types of blood sausage all quite different flavors! The most common of those is, of course, Sundae, which is a Korean delicacy. Obviously not to be confused with the other "sundae," which is an ice cream dessert. Needless to say, if you're in Korea and someone asks if you want a sundae, you should be careful as to which one you're getting. I’m partial to Morcilla myself, but I know that—

Liddle: Wow, this guy talks A LOT.

Bran: Yep. That is indeed what Hodor is famous for. His verbose dialogue.

Liddle: You guys need to watch out around here though. There are squids around.

Meera: Guys? I’m here too! And I haven’t gotten any lines!

Bran: Squid? Mmm! I’d like some calamari too!

Liddle: No, I mean ironborn. You know. Greyjoys.

Bran: Oh right. Them.

Liddle: And the flayed men.

Bran: Oh, that’s House Bolton. They’re on our side though.

Liddle: Are they… ARE THEY?

Bran: Uhh… forshadowing, much?

Liddle: Also, there is an ominous lack of word from the Wall. I haven’t heard anything from them in a while, and we Liddles live up north here close to the Wall. Strange.

Bran: Yeah. Creepy.

Liddle: Things just aren’t the same anymore. It was different when the Starks ruled Winterfell.

Jojen: Oh man… the Starks will rule Winterfell again! I’ve seen it in my dreams, man! In my dreams!

Liddle: Wait… is this guy here actually prophetic and able to predict the future? Or is he just a stoner?

Meera: He’s actually both.

After having dinner and exchanging pleasantries, they then move on.

The next day, Bran sees an eagle.

Bran: Oh, sweet! I’m going to try to warg out of my body and go into that eagle. The three-eyed crow told me that I would fly one day!

He tries to do that, but he can’t.

Bran: DAMN IT!

Hodor: Ah, well failure doesn’t mean that you won’t succeed in the future. If at once you don’t succeed… try, try again! That’s the way you have to think about things! It’s always good to be positive and hope for the best!

Meera: Boy that Hodor sure does love to talk!

Jojen: I, like, wonder why he’s called Hodor!

Bran: Ah, good question. You know that’s not his actual name. Old Nan told me that his actual name is “Walder.” Old Nan is his great grandmother.

Meera: Really? You’re sure it’s not “Wylis?”

Bran: Nope. It’s definitely “Walder.” Anyway. He used to be normal and then something happened to him, and afterwards he could only speak in long, verbose sentences in an extremely eloquent way.

Meera: But where exactly does “Hodor” come from? Is it from like “Hold the Door” or something?

Bran: Don’t be fucking stupid, Meera. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Anyway. I’m sad because I just thought about Old Nan. We never saw her body or anything. But I suppose she’s dead now, huh?

Jojen: Probably. It’s not really worth my time to use my greenseeing powers to explore more about Old Nan.

Bran: She always told me stories. She told great stories! I’m going to miss those stories.

Meera: Did she ever tell the story of the Knight of the Laughing Tree?

Bran: No. What’s that story?

Jojen: What? REALLY? He NEVER told that story?

Bran: I just said “no,” asshole. Are you paying attention?  Tell it to me, Meera.

Meera: Okay. So would you like it to be told in a super cryptic fashion where I make it sound like some sort of legendary tale?  Then you can slowly parse out clues from the story and see if applies to any important plotlines set immediately prior to Robert’s Rebellion and the overthrow of the Targaryens?  Or would you simply like me to tell it in flashback format so that it’s totally obvious what is going on?

Bran: The latter, please.

Meera: Okay. Good. Well then, this one time about 17 or so years ago…

Howland Reed: Oh man, I’m a crannogman that lives in the Neck. But I want to learn more about the magic in the world. And so, to do that, I will leave the Neck and visit the Isle of Faces. That is a legendardy place where the Green Men used to live.

And so Howland Reed, Meera and Jojen’s father, does exactly that. He goes there and learns a lot.

Howland: Well, that was fun. I better row out of here now. Maybe I’ll row that way to that giant castle over there.

He rows away. And since you’ve been paying attention to Arya Stark’s storylines you should know where the Isle of Faces is and what it is close to. That’s right – Harrenhal!

Howland: Oh wow. Looks like some sort of Great Tournament is happening here in Harrenhal. And since it is 281, and thus the year of the false spring, I know that thus must indeed be Lord Whent's great tournament!  You know what? Great knights from all around the Seven Kingdoms will be here to fight. But crannogmen from House Reed almost never come! I should go there!

And so he goes there. But since crannogmen are sort of small, he can easily be picked on. Three squires who were just kids, but bigger than the crannogman, came over.

Squire 1: We’re going to beat you up!

Squire 2: Yeah!

Squire 3: Also, yeah!

They start to beat him up, but then someone arrives on the scene and jumps off her horse.

MYSTERY Lady: HEY ASSHOLES! Pick on someone your own size!

The Mystery Lady then kicks the living shit out of them. They run away.

Howland: Wow, thanks. Although it is sort of embarrassing that a woman had to defend me.

Mystery Lady: That’s sort of sexist, but I don’t know how you’re raised so I’m going to let that slide.

Howland: Anyway, I’m pleased to meet you. I’m Howland Reed.

Mystery Lady: And my name is LYANNA STARK!

Audience: WOOOOO!!! LYANNA STARK! WOOOOOOO!!!

Lyanna Stark: Here, let me take you back to the castle, where you can meet my brothers.

She takes him there, and he meets her brothers – Brandon, Ned and Benjen.

Howland: Oh, hi there.

Ned: Howland, you will now be my best friend.

Howland: Oh, okay then. Interesting. 

Howland and Ned instantly become best friends.

Ned: Hey bestie, there is a feast tonight at Harrenhal. Let’s go.

Howland: Yep!

They go to the feast and Howland sees someone familiar.

Howland: OH SHIT! That kid there is one of the kids that tried to beat me up. But now he’s wearing a Frey outfit. That kid was a Frey?

Lyanna: Yeah. The Freys are sort of giant dicks. And the two other kids appear to be from the Houses Haigh and Blunt. You should challenge the knights that those squires work for in combat at the tournament we’re having tomorrow.

Howland: Really? I should challenge the bigger, stronger knights that those three squires work for? Because you just saw the squires make a total fool of me, right? They were kicking my butt! What makes you think I’ll do better fighting THEIR KNIGHTS in the tournament?

Lyanna: Hrm. Well. If YOU don’t beat them up to get vengeance… then maybe you should pray to the old gods tonight that someone else of about your same height and build does.

Howland: Interesting that you say that, considering that you, Lyanna Stark, are about my same height and build. You know, except for the breasts thing. You have those and I do not.

Howland goes to bed that night and prays to the old gods.

At the tournament the next day…

Mike Tirico: This is Mike Tirico here, alongside Shquille O’Neal. And we’re about half way through the first round of  Lord Whent's Great Tournament of 281!

Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.

Mike Tirico: You know Shaq, this is about the time in the tournament that some sort of MYSTERY knight appears to join the challenge. A person that nobody knows or recognizes. And since their face is hidden by a helm, nobody can tell who they are.

Shaq: That’s true, Mike.

Suddenly, a knight shows up. The knight’s shield has the logo of a laughing face on a weirwood tree.

Mike Tirico: OH WOW!!! And here we are! A mystery knight has finally arrived! Let’s call this knight, “The Knight of the Laughing Tree” because the shield.

Shaq: Yep, this knight looks like he’s pretty small though.

Mike Tirico: Everyone looks small to you though, Shaq. You’re huge!

Shaq: But he’s, like, really, really small! Like maybe some sort of crannogman.

Mike Tirico: Or possibly a woman.

Shaq: Yes, Mike. That would be highly unusual, but we can’t tell for sure under all that armor. So, from now on, let’s refer to his knight in a gender neutral way and avoid saying “he” or “she.”

Knight of the Laughing Tree: *in voice that sounds suspiciously like a woman trying to sound like a man* I would like to challenge the Knights from House Frey, Haigh and Blount!

Frey Knight: Sure. I’ll take you on. You look super small. Like a crannogman. Or maybe a woman.

Haigh and Blount Knights: Us too!

The Knight of the Laughing Tree then kicks all of their asses.

Shaq: Yikes! Those guys are going to need to put Icy Hot all over their bruises if they want to get rid of the pain.

Knight of the Laughing Tree: Now that I have beaten you all, I get to keep your armor. But instead of keeping it, I promise to give it back to you so long as you do one thing… scold your squires for their embarrassing and unprofessional behavior!

Crowd: WOOOOOO!!!!!! You’re the best, Knight of the Laughing Tree! Thank you for the valuable moral lesson.

Mike Tirico: Wow! That was some great action there, Shaq! And don’t forget that the tournament continues tomorrow. I hope to see more of the mystery knight then!

Later that night…

Mad King Aerys II: DAMNIT! Who was that stupid mystery knight? Looked like some sort of crannogman. Or maybe a woman.

Prince Rhaegar: I don’t know, dad. You want me to find out?

Aerys: YES! I order to you track down and determine the identify of the Knight of the Laughing Tree.

Rhaegar: Okay. Sounds good. I’ll do that.

Aerys: And if the knight winds up being a super brave and beautiful woman, you have to promise not to fall in love with her, Rhaegar! Do you hear me?!

Rhaegar: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Of course. I’m a happily married man. Obviously. I’m married to Elia Martell. I have two kids.

Aerys: Okay, I’m just checking. I know how you’re super attracted to strong women. If you find out that this “Knight of the Laughing Tree” is actually a smokin’ hot brunette girl with amazing fighting skills that entered the tournament to uphold the honor of friend and scold dishonorable people... then you just need to ignore whatever impulses that makes you feel.

Rhaegar: YEAH DAD, I SAID OKAY ALREADY! Get off my case, old man!

The next day…

Aerys: So, did you find the Knight of the Laughing Tree?

Rhaegar: Y---uhhh… I mean “no.”

Aerys: It sounds like you were about to say “yes.”

Rhaegar: Well no. I did not.

Aerys: Why does it look like you stayed up all night? Were you with someone?

Rhaegar: What? NO! NO! Of course not!

Aerys: Is that a long, brunette hair on your shoulder?

Rhaegar: LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME LIVE MY LIFE, OLD MAN! NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO GO FIGHT IN THIS TOURNAMENT!

Back at the Tournament…

Mike Tirico: Well, another day and another several rounds of great jousts coming up, including that mysterious Knight of the Laughing Tree, Prince Rhaegar Targeryen, Brandon Stark, Yohn Royce, Arthur Dayne, Barristan Selmy, and others!

Shaq: Oh hey, I just noticed that Lyanna Stark’s is sitting in her front row seat in the audience today. Her seat was empty yesterday.

Mike Tirico: I’m not sure why that’s important enough to bring up, but okay. Anyway. The Mystery Knight should show up soon!

Aerys: YES! YES! SOON! Rhaegar! When the Mystery Knight shows up, I want you to run down the field and pull off his mask! Then we’ll know who he is!

Rhaegar: You mean “her”, right? Because it’s a female.

Aerys: WAIT! How do you know? I thought you didn’t know who it was!

Rhaegar: Uggh…. Uhhh…. Uhhhhhhh…. I mean, YEAH! You’re right. It could also be a small male like a crannogman or something. Right.

But the Knight of the Laughing Tree never shows up and is never seen or heard from again.

Mike Tirico: Well, that is a pretty disappointing conclusion.

Shaq: Conclusion? But they tourney isn’t over yet! Let’s see who wins it!

And so the tourney goes on, with no Knight of the Laughing Tree. Rhaegar wins. Obviosuly. Rhaegar is the best.
Crowd: WOOOOO!!!! WE LOVE RHAEGAR!

Mike Tirico: I guess all that remains now is to see who Rhaegar awards the prize of “Queen of Love and Beauty.” It’s traditional for the winner of any joust to pick one lovely lady from the audience to get this prize. Of course, it’s a given he’ll give it to the daughter of the host, Lord Whent. That’s pretty much the custom.

Instead Rhaegar rides up to Lyanna Stark and puts a crown of blue winter roses in her hair.

Rhaegar: *winks*

Lyanna: *winks back and then rubs her sore shoulder from what looks like a 1-day old jousting bruise*

Audience: *GASP*

Mike Tirico: WHAT THE HECK?! This is unprecedented, folks! And scandalous! First off al, Rhaegar is married to Elia Martell. And second – isn’t Lyanna Stark engaged to some guy called Robert Baratheon?

Meera: The end.

Bran: Well that story sucked. So who was the Mystery Knight? Was it the crannogman?

Meera: Jesus Christ. You a moron, Bran.

ASoS 23: Daenerys II

Dany stands in a giant square in Astapor. Kraznys mo Nakloz, a slave seller, is showing off his products to her. And by “products” I mean “human beings” called “The Unsullied.”

Kraznys mo Nakloz: [In Valyrian] Hey translator, tell this stupid blonde bitch that I got bigger tits than her and that I’m totally going to screw her over.

Kraznys’s Translator, Missandei: [In the Common Tongue] Noble Daenerys, Kraznys mo Nakloz welcomes you to Astapor and says he looks forward to making a deal with you.

Dany: Haha, oh. Kraznys doesn’t realize that I can speak perfect Valyrian. This is going to be so much fun. I won’t let on that I know what he’s saying.  Also, Missandei! HEY THERE! Glad to meet you. You look a bit young though.

Missandei: Yes, I am like 10 years old in the books.

Dany: HOLY CRAP. Really? Geez, I’m glad they aged you up for the TV show.

Kraznys: Tell this filthy cunt that we emotionally traumatize these kids until they become soulless slaves who will die for anything we tell them to die for. We run these kids so hard that most of them die.

Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied go through rigorous training and are very loyal.

Dany: Ask Kraznys why the Unsullied are eunichs.

She asks. You get the point. I won't go through all of this translation stuff here.

Kraznys: That way they have none of the passions or temptations of men. Nor do they feel pain! Here, watch this!

He orders a slave to walk over. He then takes out a blade and cuts the man’s nipple off. The Unsullied doesn’t even flinch.

Not Barristan: HOLY SHIT! GROSS! Is that really necessary?

Kraznys: No. But it was hilarious. I get these motherfuckers all jacked up on barbiturates until every nerve in their body is dead and they can’t feel anything anymore.

Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied are given a pleasant concoction which deadens pain and emotion, but it’s totally safe and FDA approved.

Kraznys: Tell that blond whore that I want to pour honey on her tits. And then lick it off. And then cum on them and lick that off too. Because I’m super weird and gross. Also, tell her that the slaves aren’t permitted names. They reach into a bag every day and pull out a new name. This dehumanizes them further because fuck them and fuck you.

Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied are given a new name every day by pulling a name outy of a bag. Because it’s sort of like a fun game. Like that “Three Strikes” game on The Price is Right. You know, where they pull the numbers in the price of a car out of the bag and hope they don’t pull out any of the three strikes in the bag. Because if they pull out the three strikes before they can get the correct price of the car, they lose.

Dany: Yes. That game is fun but very challenging. Probably one of the hardest games on the show. Which is why that game typically features luxury cars. Are you sure Kraznys didn’t say anything else other than that? Because it seemed like he was talking for a while. And I thought I heard him mention something about honey.

Missandei: No. That is all he said.

Kraznys: As part of the training, we also make sure the Unsullied murder an infant. We also give them a puppy to raise. After spending years with the puppy and becoming best friends, we then surprise them on their 12th birthday with the realization that they have to murder the puppy. They must strangle it with their bare hands. Any who does not is put to the sword and killed.

Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied also have puppies. It’s cute.

Kraznys: Well, now ask this dumb bitch how many slaves she wishes to buy. I grow tired of her. There are 8,000 currently available to purchase. That’s one slave for every time I’d like to punch her in her face. Also, let her know that they come with their weapons. She can use the handles of the sword as giant dildos to stick up her fishy twat.

Missandei: Kraznys kindly asks how many Unsullied you are looking to purchase and notes that there are 8,000 available. Their weapons are included.

Dany: Hrm. Let me confer with my trusted advisor.

Jorah: Here I am, Dany!

Dany: No. Not you.

Jorah: WHAT?!

Dany: Haven’t you noticed that I’ve been keeping you distant from me ever since you SEXUALLY ASSAULTED me? I’m never alone with you. I make sure of that.  I was talking to Not Barristan.

Not Barristan: Hahaha, suck it, Mormont.

Jorah: *pouts*

Dany: So, Not Barristan, what do you think?

Not Barristan: I say you should buy NO slaves. Slavery is an abomination. There has not been slavery in the Seven Kingdoms for years.  Just imagine how much  you’d be hated if you showed there with slaves. There will be many that oppose you and side with the Lannisters just because of your slaves alone.

Jorah: I disagree. Slavery isn’t that bad.

Dany: SHHH!!!! I wasn’t talking to you, rapey slave seller guy. Not Barristan, what would you have me do? You know I need an army!

Not Barristan: *mumbles* Many will rally to you, surely. The name “Targaryen” still means something in the Seven Kingdoms.

Dany: Yeah, that argument doesn’t sound that convincing. Not even  you seem to believe it.

Kraznys: Ask that dumb bitch if she’s made a decision or not. Shit or get off the can! I’ve got other potential buyers, you know. Ones that don’t waste my time by starring in shitty Terminator reboots.

Missandei: Kraznys kindly asks if you know how many slaves you would like yet.

Dany: Tell Kraznys that I will need time to consider.

Dany and her crew then head back to the ship.

Dany: *sigh* What do I do? What do I do?

Not Barristan: They say the bricks of Astapor are red with the blood of slaves. This is a foul city. With the money and goods we have, we should hire swords instead of buy slaves.

Dany: Yeah, my brother tried to do that for years, and received nothing but empty promises.

Not Barristan: Yeah, well… he didn’t have three ships full of valuables to sell. He also didn’t have three dragons.

Dany: Fine, smarty pants.

Dany then reflects upon Jorah. She didn’t understand why Jorah distrusted Not Barristan so much. Probably just jealously. He doesn’t want any other man moving close to her.  When will Jorah realise that she has no interest in him.  Sure, when he kissed her… it woke up something inside of her. Some feelings of lust. But it wasn’t for Jorah. Just general horniness for pretty much anyone except Jorah. In fact, the night after Jorah did that to her… she started paddling the pink canoe, if you know what I mean.

Dany: I don’t.

Dialing the rotary phone.

Dany: Huh?

Having a little “Girls’ night in.”

Dany: Oh wait. Female masturbation. Yes. I get it. I did that. Until Irri walked in on me and was like, “Can I help you finish?”

Irri: You didn’t say, “no.”

Dany: Let’s not talk about this anymore. This is a little gross and graphic. Quite frankly, I find it disgusting that GRRM even wrote about this.

Jorah: Oh, hey Dany. I can help you out with tha—

Dany slaps Jorah in the face.

Jorah: Ow. What the hell?

Dany: How dare you take me to Astapor, you piece of shit! You and your slavery fetish, Jorah. Why did I ever bother listening to you? You know they torture these kids, right? They brutalize them. They make them kill babies and puppies. This is some sick, sick shit.

Jorah: I’m sorry, Khalessi.  I’m just saying… you need this army.

Dany: You once said I reminded you of Rhaegar. But Rhagar led FREE MEN into battle. Not slaves.

Jorah: True. But Rhaegar also died. So there’s that.

Dany: I should sail the hell out of here right now. But now I can’t. Because I NEED to find some way to buy those 8,000 slaves. But I also want to find a way to do it where I can create some moral justification so I can sleep at night and tell myself that I’m not a terrible person.  Now if you’ll excuse me. I need some alone time with my dragons.

Irri: And me, right? I can be there for your alone time too.

Dany: No. Stop it, Irri. No more lipstick lesbian scenes this chapter. I just want to feed my dragons.

And so she has some alone time with her dragons. That time it's not a euphemism for female masturbation.

ASoS 22: Arya IV

Arya, Gendry, and their captors (The Brotherhood without Banners) spend the night in Castle Lychester, with Lymond Lychester, an old knight and the last in the line of a small house.

Lymond: I lost all my sons in Robert’s Rebellion. My house will die after I am gone. But I still have my glory. Why I remember this one time I fought in a battle against Ser Maynard. There we were on a bridge when—

Arya: --Okay, we’re just staying at your place for the night. No reason for any extensive backstory about you. We’ll never see or hear from your character again.

Lymond: Aww. Hey. Too bad about that Lord Beric, huh?

Lem: What about Beric?

Lymond: I heard he was hung.

Lem: Well, his dick is pretty large.

Lymond: Huh?

Lem: Uhh... uhh... I mean he’s better now. From the hanging!

Lymond: Huh?

Lem: He was hanged but he’s better now.

Lymond: What do you mean by that? You mean Thoros cut him down or something? Before he died?

Lem: Sure. Let’s go with that. Thoros got there in time and cut him down BEFORE he died. Right.

They then leave and go to find the “Lady of the Leaves.”

Arya: Lady of the Leaves? Why does this sound like she’s a character in some sort of medieval fantasy story?

Greenbeard: Uh, because this is a medieval fantasy story.

Arya: Ah, right. Right.

The Lady of the Leaves winds up being an old, thin white-haired lady who lives in a Riverlands village that rests in the trees.

Anguy: Psst! Lady of the Leaves. Tell us where Lord Beric is.

Arya: Why do you have to keep asking all these people where Beric is? Don’t you work for Beric? Shouldn’t you know where he’s at?

Lady of the Leaves: It matters not. I hear the Mountain caught Lord Beric and killed him He stabbed him in the eye with a knife.

Lem: Ah, but he didn’t die. He’s doing fine. He just wears an eyepatch now like a pirate. It’s cool.

Lady of the Leaves: Really? You’d think someone who gets stabbed in the eye would die.

Lem: Nope. He’s totally fine.

Arya: Man. A lot of people seem to have stories about Beric being dead and murdered in various ways.

Lem: Well, none are true. He’s totes alive.

Lady of the Leaves: Well, that’s good to hear.

Arya: Nobody still answered my question about why the people who work for Beric don’t know where Beric is. Why would he hide from his own men?

Tom o’ Sevens: Well, if nobody knows where he is or what his plans are… then nobody can betray him! It’s genius, really!

Arya: No it’s not. It’s stupid. This is a stupid plot device. Just pick more trustworthy people.

Harwin: Even trustworthy men can be tortured.

Arya: Torture doesn’t work. I saw it with my own eyes. I’d see people being tortured every day by the Mountain and his henchmen.

CIA Director Gina Haspel: Sure it does! Torture is great. Just look how well Iraq and Afghanistan went.

Lem kills Gina Haspel.

And because Leaf Lady has no info, they move on and spend the next night in a looted sept.

Arya: Man, who desecrates a sept? I bet a bunch of assholes!

Harwin: It was Northmen loyal to the Starks.

Arya: Ah, I see.

Harwin: Hence what I was saying earlier. North. South. Stark. Lannister. It doesn’t matter. Nobody looks out for the smallfolk. Except for us.

Arya: This is dumb. I just want to go home. Why can’t you just take me to my mom at Riverrun?

Anguy: Maybe we will. I can take you there and make you a cool bow to shoot people with, because killing seems like it’s sort of your “thing.”

Arya: It is.

Anguy: But before that… we need to collect a ransom for you.

Arya: Why?

Anguy: It’s sort of how our business works. We catch highborn captives along the road and then ransom them off. The gold we get in return is what we use to buy our food and supplies. And we use that to defend the smallfolk.

Arya: Oh, cool. I guess.

Tom O' Sevens: Hahaha, I bet when we show up to Riverrun to ransom you, Edmure will not be happy to see me.

Arya: Why's that?

Tom O'Sevens: Ah, well your uncle Edmure hates singers, did you know that? It's because of me. I used to sing back at Riverrun, back in the day. He once was trying to mack on some girl and take her to bed. But he got super drunk and had whisky dick. So I took the girl to bed instead. Then I wrote a song about it called "Floppy Fish" that became super popular. Hahahaha. It was the best! Edmure still hates me to this day because everyone knew the song was about his flaccid penis.

Arya: Gross. I don't need to hear that about my uncle. So this kidnapping and ransoming thing you're doing. How long will this go on for? I mean… are you going to keep this up forever?

Harwin: Our journey began when Ned Stark sent us out to find and kill The Mountain. And that is when our quest will end, once the Mountain is dead.

Arya: Yeah, but will your quest keep going if the Mountain is killed but then resurrected by a disgraced Maester as Ser Robert Strong?

Everybody blinks, because they have no idea what Arya is talking about.

The next day they head to the High Heart – an ancient hill that was once sacred to the Children of the Forest. A ring of 31 weirwood stumps sit on the hill.

Arya: Why 31?

Harwin: It’s the name number of flavors as Baskin Robbins ice cream. Baskin Robbins was sacred to the Children of the Forest.

Arya: Ah.

Greenbeard: Well, it’s night now. Better rest.

Arya: It’s night now? WHAT? We just came here like four lines ago. The days and nights are changing crazy fast. This story is just chugging along.

Witch: Hi everyone. I’m a witch.

Arya: AGHH!!! WITCH!

Witch: But you can call me “The Ghost of High Heart.”

Arya: No, I think we’re just going to call you, “Witch.”

Witch: Whatever.

Tom: We actually came here on purpose, Arya. We wanted to meet the Witch. To ask her where Beric is at. She might know.

Witch: Yes, but instead of telling you where Beric is, let me tell you about my dreams and dark prophesies.

Tom: Okay. Sure.

Witch: …

Tom: Go on.

Witch: There is a charge. It’s $4.99.

Tom: Goddamnit. Can I pay you with a song instead?

Tom pulls out his acoustic guitar and starts playing “Shadow of the Day” by Linkin Park.

Witch: The old gods stir and will not let me sleep! A shadow with a burning heart butchers a  golden stag! A man without a face waits on a bridge for a man with a drowned crown and seaweed. A woman comes out of a river that was once a fish!

Arya: Creepy. So are we playing that prophesy guessing game again? Okay. Fine. Here we go. The first one is Stannis killing Renly. Easy. Then we we have a faceless man killing Euron Greyjoy and Lady Stoneheart. Am I right? I’m obviously right.

They then go to sleep and wake up the next day. The witch is gone.

Arya: Well that was crazy. Who was that old hag?

Tom: Just some crazy old lady. Don’t listen to her.

Harwin: Well, this still hasn’t gotten us any closer to Beric. Damnit.

Arya: Well, we just woke up. Now it’s time to—

Greenbeard: --Nope, too late. Now the day is over already.

Arya: WHAT? Another one?

Greenbeard: Yes. And now we’ve moved on to Acorn Hall, the seat of House Smallwood.

Arya: RIP Thoren.

Greenbeard: What? Who?

Arya: Thoren Smallwood. He was just killed by a zombie bear a few chapters ago.

Greenbeard: Ah. Well that’s not the Smallwood here, obviously. Here is Lady Smallwood.

Lady Smallwood: Hi.

Arya: Hi. How exactly are you related to Thoren?

Lady Smallwood: The books never bother to explain. We’re a pretty small house so it probably wasn’t worth explaining. Actually, I’m not even really a Smallwood. My name is Ravella Swann. I just married Theomar Smallwood.

Arya: Oh.

Lady Smallwood: You’re filthy, girl. Let’s get you cleaned up and put in proper clothes.

And so Lady Smallwood forces Arya to take a shower and put on a nice dress.

Arya: Gross. I look like a girl now.

Lady Smallwood: As you should! Girls are supposed to like pretty dressed and be into things like needlework.

Arya: Oh, ahaha. I’m into needlework, all right. If you catch my drift.

Lady Smallwood: I hope you’re referring to sewing and not to stabbing people.

Arya: We’ll just leave that to your imagination.

After the bath, everyone has dinner.

Harwin: So, you probably can guess why we’re here, Lady Smallwood. We’re looking for Beric.

Lady Smallwood: Well, he and Thoros were here lest than two weeks ago, driving some sheep through.  The last I heard, he was heading for the Stoney Sept down by the Threepenny Wood.

Tom: HOLY CRAP! Does somebody actually know where Beric is at? I figured we’d just keep on jumping from place to place with no answer for the next 16 chapters.

Lady Smallwood: Oh you, Tom. You’re such a miscreant. Always going around singing songs to ladies to seduce them and then having unprotected sex to produce illegitimate babies. You cad, you! You should give those girls some more TANSY TEA so that they can INDUCE ABORTIONS.

Arya: Hrm. Interesting that you mention TANSY TEA in underlined, italicized allcaps like that. I wonder if that references back to another chapter.

Lem: Well Lady Smallwood, any other important plot exposition you feel like dropping on us while we’re here?

Lady Smallwood: Ah yes, a pack of wolves came by recently. Not actual wolves. I mean Stark soldiers. They were looking for Jaime Lannister. They were wearing some symbol on their outfits that had a black and white sun on it.

Arya: Oh wow, that sounds like the Karstarks. They are close allies of the Starks and would never, ever betray us in any way.

Greenbeard: Odd that you’d say that.

Lady Smallwood: If you want to talk about betrayals, these Karstarks were talking about how Lady Cat was the real betrayer. They said that she freed Jaime Lannister and let him go.

Arya: WHAT?! NO! LIES! LIES! LIES!

Arya angrily tosses her plate of food and starts pouting.

Harwin: Okay Arya, that’s enough temper tantrums from you. Get out of here!

Arya is sent away. Gendry follows her.

Gendry: I was waiting to see if I’d get any lines in this chapter. Hey Arya, you want to come and check out the smithy here? I’m a blacksmith apprentice, so anywhere I go I like to check out what the smithy looks like.

Arya: That sounds super boring. But okay.

They go to the smithy.

Gendry: Cool, huh?

Arya: Whatever. Hey. Do what do you know about these guys that we’re being taken to? Beric and Thoros?

Gendry: Well, I don’t know much about Beric. But Thoros used to come around to my smithy back in King’s Landing. He used to buy a new sword from my master after every tournament because he’d put wildfire on it for dramatic effect. He’d fight with his sword on fire and it would scare everyone. But it was just a trick. And it totally wrecked and melted his sword. The steel was ruined.

Arya: I wish I had a flaming sword. I would kill so many people. 

Gendry: Hahaha, that sounds exactly like the type of thing you’d say. But you don’t even look like you anymore. I mean look at you. You’re all cleaned up and wearing a pretty dress. You actually look like a girl. You’re kind of… uhm.. cute. Even. Yeah. *blushes*  You even smell good.

Arya: Oh, I got a part of me you can smell.

Gendry: What?

Arya: Huh?

Gendry: Could you say that aga--

Arya: --OHMYGODLETSHAVESEXNOWGENDRY!

Gendry: Huh? What did you sa--

Arya: Nothing! I said nothing! Forget I said anything.

Gendry: I think you said—

Arya: --NOOOO!!!

Arya punches him and the two start fighting.

The rest of the outlaws hear the commotion and walk over to the smithy to watch them fight.

Harwin: Break it up! Break it up!

The two are now filthy. Arya has a rip in her new dress.

Gendry: Oh no. I’m sorry, Arya. I was just horseplaying. I didn’t mean to rip your dress.

Arya: Now rip the rest of it off.

Gendry: What?

Arya: I mean… uhh… ermm… ahh…

Arya runs away.

Lady Smallwood then gives her another bath and a new dress.

Arya: ANOTHER BATH? Yuck! I hate bathes. Oh, also I’m sorry for destroying the dress you just gave me.

Lady Smallwood: It’s okay. It’s clear you and that Gendry kid have some pent up sexual tension you need to work out before this book series is over.

ASoS 21: Jaime III

Jaime, Brienne, and Ser Cleos Frey arrive at Maidenpool, the town that takes its name from the pool where the legendary Florian the Fool first spied Jonquil bathing with her sisters.

Jaime: I can’t wait to see this famous pool!

They approach it. The pool of water is full of dead, bloated corpses.

Brienne: Eww.

Jaime: Maybe I should sing the famous song about this pool.

Brienne: Please don’t.

Jaime: Okay, instead of that I will fall back into self-reflection, thinking about when my mom caught me and Cersei sleeping with one another as children. She had to separate us to keep us apart from one another. It was only Tyrion being born and killing her that eventually gave me and Cersei the opportunity to start having kid sex with each other.

Brienne: Never mind. I’d prefer you sing the song instead of talk about that.

Jaime: Whatever. Maybe Stannis did us a solid by bringing the story out in the public like that. We don’t have to hide our shame anymore. We can have it out in the open just like the Targaryens did.

Brienne: Stop talking about this aloud, Jaime. You’re supposed to be internally narrating these ideas to yourself in this chapter. Not broadly announcing them.

Jaime: Eh, it’s funnier this way. And while I’m broadly speaking out my internal monologues, I’ve also decided that I’m actually going to keep my part of the bargain with Cat Stark and release Sansa and Arya when I get back to King’s Landing. Simply as a giant fuck you to everyone who just assumes I will do the opposite.

Cleos Frey: So do I get any dialogue in this chapter?

Jaime: No.

Cleos: Oh. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. After all, the adventure of the three of us still has a long way to go! We’re not even close to King’s Landing yet. I’m sure we’ll have dozens of more fun chapters with zany adventures together. Plenty more opportunities for my character to be developed are abound in the near future!

They are suddenly attacked by archers. Cleos falls from his horse, but his foot catches in the stirrup and he’s dragged off by the horse as it runs away. As the horse runs, Cleos’s head frequently bashes into nearby rocks and trees.

Jaime: Oh. He is so dead. Anyway. CHAAAAAAAARGEEEEE!!!

Jaime charges at the archers. Brienne shrugs her shoulders and does the same.

Archer 1: Oh wow. They are charging at us. What do we do?

Archer 2: I don’t know. Who is stupid enough to charge directly at archers?

Archer 1: Usually I’d agree with you. But look at that lady there. She’s like 7 feet tall.

They run away.

Jaime: Wow, I can’t you joined me in doing that. Honestly, that was about 30% courage on my part and another 70% of me was just trying to commit suicide.

Brienne doesn’t answer back though. She hisses and pulls an arrow out of her leg. She also has another one sticking in her back. 

Jaime: Oh shit. Can I help you with those wounds? They look pretty bad.

Brienne: Leave me alone, Oathbreaker! I can take care of myself.

Jaime: Whatever, bitch.

They follow the trail of destruction that leads to Cleos Frey’s horse. Cleos lay there on the ground. His head is a mushy red paste.

Jaime: Told you. Dead. Adios, Cleos Frey. Hey wait. Didn’t the last chapter also kill a Frey? These Freys are going down like chubby girls on prom night. 

Brienne: That was both sexist and discriminatory towards body shapes.

Jaime: Have you met me? Of course it was. Now let me take Cleos’s sword.

Brienne: No.

Jaime: What? He’s not using it any more. On account of the fact that his cranial vault is leaking out cherry Jell-O.

Brienne: I said no. You are not to be trusted, Kingslayer.

Jaime grabs the sword anyway and swings it at her, despite his bound hands.

They fight. Jaime is impressed with her skills in defending herself.

Jaime: Wow, you’re pretty good at this. I haven’t killed you yet. But then again, my hands are bound. Maybe you should untie them and make this a fair fight.

Brienne: SHUT UP!

Brienne strikes back and lands a few blows that almost catch Jaime. After a while, he begins to lose his breath.

Jaime: *gasp*gasp* Sorry, I’m a bit out of practice. What with me being bound in chains and put in a dungeon for several months.  My conditioning and endurance is obviously suffering from that.

Brienne: YIELD!

She strikes him and he defends it at the last second, falling to his butt.

Jaime: Never!

She attacks again, once more almost delivering a deadly blow.

Brienne: I said YIELD! Don’t make me kill you!

Jaime escapes once more, and stumbles into the nearby river. They continue to fight in the river where Brienne keeps the attack on.

Jaime: Holy shit… am I… am I… LOSING?

Brienne then pins Jaime down. It looks like it’s all over for Jaime Lannister now!

Brienne: YIELD, Kingslayer! Or I will have to—

Laughing Men: *laughing*

Jaime: What the hell?

Along the river emerge a number of men, all watching the fight and cat-calling. Jaime soon recognizes them.

Jaime: The Bloody Mummers!

Urswyck: Well, we like to go by the name, “Brave Companions” instead. “Bloody Mummers” is a bit of an insult. Typically that’s what someone calls us behind our backs rather than to our faces.

Jaime: Bloody Mummers. Brave Companions. Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-toe. It’s good to see some staunch Lannister allies though. This wench Brienne of Tarth is highborn and will fetch a good ransom from her family. Well, I guess you should go ahead and free me from these chains now.

Urswyck: Uh huh, uh huh. I see where you’re going with this, Jaime. Just one issue with that though. It’s that whole “staunch Lannister allies” part of what you said.

Jaime: Go on.

Urswyck: We’ve actually switched sides. We’re on Team Stark now.

Jaime: WHAAAAAAAAAA?

Brienne: Ah, well then. It’s good to hear that you are on Team Stark. I have been sent by Lady Catelyn and Jaime Lannister is under her protection. No need to attack either of us.

Urswyck: Uh huh, uh huh. I see where you’re going with this, Brienne. Just one issue with that though. It’s that whole “No need to attack either of us” part of what you said.

Urswyck and the Bloody Mummers then beat the shit out of Jaime and Brienne. After they lay on the ground with broken bones and blood running down their bodies, the Mummers tie them up to some horses to take back to their camp.

Jaime: Well Brienne, good work.

Brienne: How is this my fault?

Jaime: I mean you could have just unbound me from my chains a long time ago.

Brienne: And you would have killed me!

Jaime: Whatever. Maybe. Maybe not. But I’m going to do you a solid and give you some advice. Please listen to me. You know what’s about to happen next. You’re a woman. Maybe not an attractive woman. But you’re still a woman. And the Bloody Mummers… well… you can probably guess what they’ll want to do to you. I know you’re going to want to fight back. But don’t. Don’t resist.

Brienne: How do you know that they’re not more interested in doing that to you, pretty boy?

Jaime: Yikes. I’ll make them kill me first.

Jaime then gets an idea.

Jaime: HEY! HEY! Urswyck you asshole! How much do I have to pay you in order to betray Vargo Hoat?

Urswyck: A fat lot more than you have, Kingslayer.

Jaime: Oh please. Haven’t you ever heard that a Lannister always pays his debts? Besides. Didn’t you hear where I said Brienne is from? Tarth? Have you heard of it?

Urswyck: Sure. They call it “The Emerald Isle.”

Jaime: Right. Because it’s full of emeralds!

Urswyck: I thought it was because all the green grass.

Jaime: Nope. Definitely emeralds. The island is full of super expensive, valuable emeralds. They wash up on the beach like seashells. The local townspeople use them to fill in potholes. That’s how many there are.  If you deliver myself and Brienne to King’s Landing insead of wherever you’re taking us… you’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams!

Urswyck: Hrm. So all I’d have to do is trust the word of an Oathbreaker, huh? Fuck that.

Urswyck slaps Jaime in the face. The ride continues.

They head back to the Bloody Mummer’s camp, which is set up near a sept that Vargo’s men are desecrating.

Brienne: Please! I beg of you! You are men loyal to the Starks! I have been sent by Lady Cat Stark and her son, King Robb!

Vargo Hoat: Ah, Bwreanne of Tarwtffff! I care not abwout what you haff to shay!

Jaime: Oh shit. It’s the speech impediment guy again? I thought we got done with him after those Arya chapters.

And look who else from the Arya chapters are here! It’s Rorge and Biter!!!

Rorge grabs Brienne and pulls her off the horse.  Someone else grabs Jaime and brings him towards Vargo’s fire.

Jaime: I see you’re not THAT loyal to the Starks then, huh? Well. The Lannisters can be very forgiving. Turn back to team Lannister and I’ll forget your betrayal.

Vargo: Bethrayal? Hahaha! Forgeth our bethrayal? No, you will haff to promithe me more thhan thhat, Kingshlayer! I’ll take half the hold of Catherly Rock!

Jaime: Yes, yes. Of course! You’ll have so much gold.

Vargo: But firthh, I mush send Lord Tywin a messageth!

Vargo snaps his fingers and Urswyck knocks Jaime down to the ground. The other Bloody Mummers grab him and hold his chained arms forward.

One of the Mummers, a Dothraki, draws his arakh blade from his side.

Jaime: Oh yeah, that’s a pretty impressive scare tactic there. Put that big sword in front of me and make me think that you’re going to do something super nasty. Well, I get it. You’re going to swing that sword down and everyone will THINK that you’re going to maim me. But in reality, you’ll just cut my chains apart and free me. Hahaha. Classic GRRM misdirection there. Pretty good writing, actually. It’s sort of how the last book ended too. Everyone thought that Cat Stark was going to kill me. But what she did was free me.  So it won’t be surprising when this Dothraki warrior here—

*SLICE*

JAIME: —AGGHHHH!!!!! AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! YOU CUT MY FUCKING HAND OFF!

ASoS 20: Catelyn III

The corpses of Tion Frey and Willem Lannister are laying on the floor next to Robb Stark’s throne. Both are young boys.

Robb: DAFUQ happened here?

Greatjon Umber brings forward Lord Rickard Karstark and four of his men, all in chains.

Edmure Tully: Karstark murdered this Frey and this Lannister in cold blood. Not only that, but he murdered two of my own men in Riverrun to get to them. Prison guards where they were being held.

Robb: Rickard! Literally… WHAT… THE… FUCK?

Karstark: The Lannisters killed my sons, and so I kill theirs in return.

Robb: This is MURDER.

Karstark: THIS IS JUSTICE!

Leonidas: THIS IS SPARTA!

Robb: Killing innocent squire boys in a jail cell is NOT equal to how your own sons died… bravely on the battlefield. I know because I was there and fought next to your sons. There is a difference between war and murder.

Karstark: It was not my intention to kill boys. But I deserved revenge on Jaime Lannister. Unfortunately, your bitch mother deprived me of that revenge by freeing him. Only blood can pay for blood.

Everyone then looks at Cat. She just sort of shrugs. But on the inside… she feels a little guilty. Would these two young boys still be alive if she hadn’t freed Jaime? Was she the cause of all this?
Robb: Lord Rickard, what you did here today is treason.

Karstark: Hahaha. How can it be TREASON to kill our enemies… but it NOT be treason to free them? If anyone here is guilty of treason, it’s YO MOMMA.

Everyone: OOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo!

Greatjon: You want me to gut this asshole for you, your majesty?

Robb: No. I will handle this mys—

But just as Robb is about to say something, he’s interrupted by the return of the Blackfish, Ser Brynden Tully.

Blackfish: We must speak privately.

Robb: Okay.

The two begin to walk off to go to speak privately, bringing along Cat and Edmure.

Greatjon: Wait! Before you go… what do we do with these prisoners?

Robb: Hang everyone except for Karstark. I have my own plans for him.

One of the Prisoners: But I didn’t kill nobody! I was only standing watch for the rest of them!

Robb: Hrm. Good point. You will be hanged last. So you can watch all of the others die. Since you like watching so much. Punk ass bitch.

Everyone: OOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo!

King Robb and his Tully family then retire to some private room.

Blackfish: Karstark’s men are all deserting now, ever since he was arrested. That’s hundreds of more soldiers we’ve lost. That in addition to all the Freys we lost before.

Robb: Oh, cool. Cool. I guess now we’re TOTALLY SURROUNDED BY ENEMIES. Except to the east where we have the completely useless Vale with my aunt, who won’t even join the war.

Cat: Yes. We will never hear back from Lysa. She’s as useless as a sack of sugar to a diabetic. I’ve sent her letters. No response.

Robb: And I haven’t heard anything back from Ser Rodrick either. Odd. I mean… he’s gotta still be alive, right? No way would they kill off Rodrick! And Walder Frey has ignored me too. Obviously.

Edmure: You know, we can probably keep these murders a secret. If the Lannisters find out about them… there will be hell to pay!

Robb: If I am to be a true king, then I must represent truth, justice and honesty. If I hide the truth and scheme, then I’m no better than the villains we’re fighting.  We must let the Lannisters know what happened here… and that the culprits behind it have been punished.

Edmure: And what about Lord Karstark’s son, Harrion? We should keep him as a hostage to ensure the Karstarks don’t attack us.  Better yet, we should just not execute Lord Rickard.

Robb: Rickard killed more than just those boys. He killed my honor. You know, I thought it would be easy to be a good king. I’d just be loyal to my friends and brutal to my enemies. But now I can barely tell the difference between the two. Karstark must die.

The next day, the court has gathered for Lord Karstark’s execution.

Robb: Just as my father, Ned, used to say… we Starks roll hard. If you’re man enough to sentence a man to death… you’ve got to be man enough to carry out the sentence yourself.

Robb picks up his sword.

Robb: Lord Rickard Karstark, I sentence you to death by beheading. Do you have any final words?

Karstark: Let my final words be a long story about the history of the Karstarks and Starks. About how we share blood and are really one family. You see, the Karstarks are an offshoot of the Stark family, dating back to---

--Robb cuts his head off.

Robb: That story was boring.

Later that afternoon, Cat goes to her father’s solar. Hoster Tully is clearly now on his deathbed.

Cat: I’m actually super surprised that he’s not dead yet. How many damn chapters has this guy been “dying” for?

As she looks over her fading father, Queen Jeyne Westerling.

Cat: Oh, hey Jeyne.

Jeyne: Look. This is a little bit of an… uhm… delicate question I have for you. I need some advise related Robb.

Cat: Uh huh, go on.

Jeyne: It just seems like I’m unable to make him happy.

Cat: Have you tried anal yet?

Jeyne: WHAT?!

Cat: I’m just saying.

Jeyne: No, no, no. I mean… like… he just seems to be angry all the time now. He’s miserable. He’s fighting war… imprisoning and executing his own men. He’s so sad and depressed. I try to make him feel better, but nothing seems to work.

Cat: Ah, I see where you’re going with this. Well, Jeyne, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Just leave him be and give him his space. When he’s ready to come around to you… he’ll come around to you.

Jeyne: Really? Oh wow! Thanks for the great advice.

Cat: That and give him an heir.

Jeyne: Well that would seemingly contradict your advice about keeping my distance from him. I’d obviously have to be with him to make that happen. It would also contradict your advice about anal. I might not be that experienced, but even I know that won’t work.

Cat: Oh. You thought I was referring to him penetrating you anally, huh? Hahaha, no. Haven’t you heard of strap-ons?

Jeyne: Gross. Why would you think your son is into that?

Cat: Mother’s instinct.

Jeyne: Anyway, we are TRYING for children, for sure. I hope we have two boys! I’ll name them Eddard and Brandon.

Cat: Aww, that’s so sweet. After my husband and son who were brutally murdered.

Jeyne: It’s going to be so great being a mother! Me and Robb raising our children together as a big, happy family!

Cat: Yep, and I’ll love being a grandmother!

Jeyne: Correct, because you will still be quite alive after page 705 of this book. Mass trade paperback edition, I’m (of course) referring to.

ASoS 19: Tyrion III

The Small Council assembles in the chamber room. At  the table are Tyrion, Cersei, Varys, Lord Tyrell, Kevan Lannister, the new High Septon, the newly re-installed Pycelle, and a bunch of people Tyrion doesn’t recognize. The king’s seat is, as usual, empty.  Lord Tywin walks up to the seat and sits down in it like a boss.

Tywin: It’s good to be the Hand.

Pycelle: Uh, Tyrion. You’re in my seat.

Tyrion: Eat a bag of dicks, Pycelle. A whole bag.

Kevan: Watch your mouth, nephew. Anyway, we have some business to discuss. First of all – the health of my son, Lancel. He is not doing well. He was badly injured in the battles to defend King’s Landing. He should have recovered by now, but for some reason he remains sick.

Cersei: Yes. Terrible. What an odd… coincidence. That he’s still sick, I mean. It would be a shame if he died. If he died and wasn’t able to tell anyone about the things he knows about. Terrible.

Varys: In other news, we recently had a very successful attack on the Boy Wolf’s forces.

Tywin: Yes, the child must soon return north to defend Winterfell. He will not be able to claim his home back from the ironmen or he will be seen as no king at all. That will leave Riverrun undefended and ready to attack.

Kevan: Balon Greyjoy has sent us a letter, proposing an alliance.

Mace Tyrell:  We should agree to this alliance. Let him have the north and he will take care of our Stark problem.

Tywin: An alliance? I think not. What good would that do us?  He is already doing our work for us… and for free. He’s fighting with the Starks. We have given him nothing for this. Let him keep doing what he is doing. Let them all battle among themselves. Then we will swoop in after and fight what remains.

Tyrion: Yeah, like the SPECTRE fighting fish thing.

Cersei: What? I don’t follow?

Tyrion: The analogy that SPECTRE uses for who they are. In one of those early James Bond movies. I forget which one. From Russia with Love, I think.  Blofeld vaguely explains the philosophy and motives behind SPECTRE, and he uses the Cold War as an analogy. The US and Russians are two fish fighting. Let the two fight until one kills the other. Then the survivor will be weak and injured. But you’re still healthy. Then you go in and kill the exhausted winner. Something like that.

Pycelle: I was in a James Bond movie once.

Cersei: Oh, uhh… okay, Tyrion.

Tywin: Something like that, son.  But more importantly, it buys us more time to consider better offers.

Tyrion: Better offers? Do you have something in mind, father?

Tywin: No. I’m just going to be cryptic like that. So that later in the book we can drop some sort of new, secret alliance that nobody saw coming.

Pycelle: What? Like the Boltons or something?

Tywin: *sigh*

Tyrion: See, this is why nobody likes you, Pycelle. You just go and destroy all that dramatic momentum with shit like that.

Cersei: We can’t forget about Lysa Arryn.

Tyrell: I hate those Arryn bitches. They are, like, my arch enemy! Lysa hasn’t sworn fealty to King Joffrey. We should march on her and fight her now!

Tywin: No, I have other plans for Lysa Arryn. I am sending Littlefinger to the Vale to woo and wed Lysa. It should be easy. After all, Littlefinger has already blasted that before. He’s been all up in there.

Tyrion: Hrm. Before a match to Littlefinger wouldn’t make sense because he was a nobody. But now that he’s the Lord of Harrenhal, it makes PERFECT sense for him to wed Lysa. Almost as if his request for Harrenhal was well-planned out for ages as part of some sort of grand masterplan between him and Lysa that goes back to the VERY BEGINNING OF THE BOOK SERIES.

Cersei: *rolls eyes at Tyrion*

Tyrion: And just what are we going to do about the Master of Coin position if Littlefinger leaves?

Tywin: Well, that explains why you’re in the room, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Huh?

Tywin: I mean you’re not Hand of the King anymore. You really have no role on this Small Council anymore. Unless…

Tyrion: Wait, you’re going to make ME the master of coin? Don’t you remember anything about my math skills, dad?  I flunked out of Algebra in high school. I took an economics class as an requirement in college for my B.S. and did so poorly in it that I had to become a liberal arts major.

Tywin: Well, it’s going to be you. Littlefinger leaves tomorrow.

Tyrion: Didn’t he JUST get back to King’s Landing?

Tywin: Next up… wedding arrangements for my son and Margaery.

Pycelle: Ah yes, I hear news that Prince Doran Martell and three hundred Dornishmen will be arriving in time for the ceremony.

Tyrell: UGH! Doran Martell?! I HATE THE MARTELLS! Those guys are my arch enemies! No way! Why did we invite them?

Kevan: Jesus Christ, Mace. How many arch enemies do you have? Don’t you get along with anyone?

Tywin: Lord Tyrell, it is best you make peace with Doran ASAP. He is coming at my invitation. And when he arrives, he will have a seat on the Small Council.

Tyrell: WHAT?!

Tywin: I have also promised him the justice that King Robert denied him for the murder of his sister, Elia, and her children.

Everyone in the room goes silent at that remark. Because it’s pretty much an established and well-known fact that Elia and her Targaryen children (Rhaenys and Aegon) were murdered by the Mountain on the orders of Tywin Lannister himself.
Tyrion: Uhm… dad… are you sure you’ve though this one through?

Tywin: Moving on… the lands that we’ve recently claimed from those houses in rebellion. We need to divvy those up.

Varys: Oh, but before we discuss that… can we talk about this crazy rumor I’ve heard from my spies in Essos? Apparently, a three-headed dragon has hatched in Qarth. Or something like that. Maybe it’s three dragons with one head each. They say that—

Tywin: --OH MY GOD, nobody cares. Varys, surely that’s FAKE NEWS and we have nothing to worry about related to dragons in Essos.

They then move on to discuss other matters of importance: The gold cloaks who deserted their posts when Stannis’s forces were attacking.
Tyrion: We should send them to the Wall.

Twyin: What? To help defend the North from Wildlings? Please, the Mance Rayder and the Wildlings are practically our allies if they’re attacking the north. Let’s just bust all their knees apart with hammers and throw them in the streets to be beggars. That should serve as a good warning for what happens to turncloaks. Okay, I think our business here is done. Everybody leave!

Everybody gets up to leave.

Tywin: --UNLESS your last name is “Lannister.”

Tyrion: Awww. Damnit.

Tyrion, Cersei and Kevan all stay. Everyone else departs.

Tyrion: So what? Now we’re doing one of those “everyone else is gone so we can talk freely about our REAL plan” scenes? Good. Because I have some stuff that I didn’t want to share in that open forum. Namely about Littlefinger. We can’t trust that guy.

Kevan: Why? He’s served us well. He’s even brought us news about a plot by the Tyrells to sneak Sansa out of the city and marry her to Willas, the heir to Highgarden.

Cersei: WHAT?! Those damn Tyrells! How dare they plot behind our backs like that.

Tywin: Indeed. I will not allow it. The Tyrells and Starks together? No way, Jose! And so, to prevent that, I will arrange a marriage between Willas and Cersei.

Cersei: Uhm… what?

Tywin: You heard me, daughter.

Cersei: NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Tywin: You will do as I command.

Cersei stands up, throws both middle fingers in her father’s face, and storms out of the room.

Tyrion: Hahaha, that was pretty hilarious. Better not tell Jaime about his plan or he’ll kill Willas. You know what I mean.

Tywin: I don’t see what you’re laughing about, son. It’s about time you stop your filthy, whoring ways and get married too. And by that I mean to Sansa Stark.

Tyrion: Say what now?

Tywin: You heard me. Marrying her to the Lannisters made sense when we wanted to marry her to Joffrey, and it makes just as much sense still. When the boy wolf is dead and defeated, it will be your and her heirs that rule Winterfell.

Tyrion: I don’t think the Tyrells are going to go for this plan.

Tywin: They won’t have a choice in the matter. I plan for you and Sansa to be married soon. Before the Tyrells can even announce their plans for Willas and Sansa. Then they will have no cause to protest.

Tyrion: Sansa is just a child. I can’t marry her.

Tywin: Yes, a child who has had her first blood.

Kevan: And she’s got some pretty nice ta-ta’s developing.

Tyrion: Gross. You pervert.

Kevan: You’re the one who’s going to marry her. So you’re the real pervert.

Tyrion: NOT BY CHOICE! I’d much rather have a woman who actually WANTS me.

Tywin: Hahahaha, oh man… TOO RICH, Tyrion. Too rich. Do you think those whores you sleep with ACTUALLY want you?

Tyrion: Look, I’m just saying this doesn’t make sense. I get that you want the Lannisters to have a solid claim to the North. But if so… why not take that proposed deal with the Greyjoys? The Greyjoys are the ones who actually hold the North now. Why not marry me to that Greyjoy daughter? What’s her name? Yara or something?

Tywin: Asha. Where the hell did you get “Yara” from?

Tyrion: *shrug* Anyway, I’m just saying.

Tywin: The Greyjoys might hold Winterfell for now. But they will not hold it for long. Mwahahaha.

Tyrion: Uh oh. You’re doing that cryptic “you know something but you’re not telling anyone else” thing again.

Tywin: I am.

Tyrion: And any claim my children with Sansa might have to Winterfell depend on us actually defeating Robb Stark, which isn’t guaranteed. And any children Robb Stark has will also come in line ahead of ours. Isn’t he supposed to be engaged to some Frey girl or something like that?

Tywin: About that… he has broken his oath to marry the Frey girl. He has taken up with some Westerling instead.

Tyrion: WHAT?! Why would he do that? That is STUPID AS FUCK.

Tywin: I know, right?

Tyrion: I’m surprised you’re taking this so well, dad. The Westerlings are sworn to House Lannister. That type of betrayal is usually something that would send you into a fury.

Tywin: Yes. Well. I have a plan.

Tywin then gives a slight smirk.

Tyrion: A smile? A SMILE? You never smile, dad! Oh shit! Things are on like Donkey Kong.

ASoS 18: Samwell I

The greatest and most handsome character of all time, Samwell Tarly, easily walks through the snow and is under no physical duress at all. He’s not a whiny little bitch that wants to give up and die. No. He’s not like that at all.

Sam: Hahaha, because I’m the narrator I get to change how this story goes and makes myself look better.

The amazing and super-strong Samwell flexes his handsome huge muscles and---

---WAIT. NO. STOP. This just isn’t right! Besides. It’s not super-duper CONFIRMED that Sam is the narrator of the Song of Ice and Fire. That’s just a theory. So let’s just go back to a generic, boring “neutral” narration.
Sam: Boo.

So… *ahem*…

Sam, that whiny, fat slob was somehow able to survive the attack by the Wights in the prologue.
He now stumbles through the snow, crying and wanting to give up. He knows that if he stops he’s going to die.

Sam: Whatever. I’d rather die than engage in more physical activity.

Sam falls down in the snow to die.

As he lay in the snow, ready to meet his maker… he decides to… yes… that’s right… do an in media res chapter where he FLASHES BACK to fill in the narrative holes between the prologue and now…

Sam: Ugh. In media res with a flashback again? Is this GRRM’s only narrative trick? Does he know how to write chapters any other way? Why not just start from the chronological beginning and then work your way forward?

Because reasons.

Escaping the Fist of the First Men, Sam lost his sword. But he still holds on the the dragonglass dagger that Jon gave him.

Sam: Oh right. GRRM does have other narrative tricks. That one is called FORESHADOWING. I’m glad I saved that dagger. As well as this bag of peanuts I got from a baseball game. Mmm. Delicious, salty peanuts.

Mormont: Sam, release the Ravens! Send word to Castle Black! We’ve been attacked by Wights!

Sam: Okay, sure.

Sam releases the ravens. All of them.

Mormont: Wait… did you write the notes about being attacked by the wights?

Sam: Oh. Oh yeah. Right. I guess I was supposed to attach the note to the ravens BEFORE I released them. Huh? Yeah. I forgot to do that. LOOK, I’M UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.

Sam is woken from his flashback by someone kicking him.

Grenn: Get out of the snow, you far piece of shit. You’ll die if you stay there.

Sam: Yeah. Whatever. Just let me die.

Grenn tries to pick him up. But Sam is too fat.
Grenn: Damnit. If only there was some sort of gigantic, strong character who had just been conveniently introduced in the prologue despite never being mentioned as a member of the Night’s Watch before. He’d be able to lift Sam up.

Small Paul: Hi there! I’m Small Paul! One of the conspirators that was trying to help Chett (Duke) kill Lord Mormont and escape.

Grenn: Hey! You! Small Paul! Help lift Sam up.

Small Paul: Okay.

He lifts Sam up.

Sam: No! Stop! I just want to die.

Grenn: Shut up and just fill up this chapter by flashbacking again.

Sam: Okay.

Sam flashbacks again.

Sam remembers seeing a wight twist a man’s head off. He remembers seeing an undead zombie bear with the wights. He remembers finding a horse and joining Dolorous Edd and some others.

Edd: Yeah. I’m in this chapter finally. Huzzah!

Sam: Why are you being so casual. There is an UNDEAD BEAR roaming around here.

Mormont: Smallwood!

Thoren Smallwood: What’s up, Lord Commander?

Mormont: Call in the remaining men. We need to do a tactical retreat down the south slope.

Thoren: Right away, sir. I’ll just go ahead and—AGHHHH!!!!!!!

That undead zombie bear walks up and tears Thoren Smallwood’s head off and eats it.

Sam: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!! Did I not just warn everyone that there was a fucking UNDEAD BEAR?

Now all realizing the seriousness of the situation, everyone on horse runs away as fast as they can. Not everyone is on a horse though. So the people on horses just ride over those slowpokes in the front that don’t have horses.

Sam, Edd, Mormont, and Other Important Characters: *ride horses*

Irrelevant Extras: AGHHH!!!! *are casually trampled to death by main characters*

Sam rides as fast as he can, only stopping once they reach the cover of some trees.
Sam: *whew*, that was a close o—

Suddenly, one of the other brothers of the Night’s Watch knocks Sam off his horse and steals it. He rides off.  Now Sam has to walk the rest of the way.

Sam: And after that, I can’t remember anything else. It’s all sort of a haze. Something about giant ice spiders, I think.

Grenn: Whoa, ICE SPIDERS? Why aren’t we lingering on this plot point more? I want to explore this issue.

Small Paul: Ugh. Too heavy.

Small Paul drops Sam in the snow. He just can’t anymore. He just can’t.

Grenn: Well, what are we going to do now?  Just leave Sam to die?

Small Paul: Maybe.

Other: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Leave him right there.

Grenn: Hrm. Perhaps. I mean I’m not sure how we’re going to... wait… what? AN OTHER? AGHHHH!!!!!!!! WHITE WALKER! WHITE WALKER!!!!

Grenn and Small Paul run around in comic circles, given the arrival of this Other, riding on his disemboweled horse.  This is scary enough so even Sam’s fat ass gets up and starts running.

Sam: Other! OTHER! OTHER! AGHHH!!!!

The other pulls out his sword and stabs Small Paul.

Small Paul: UGHH! Tell my mother… all I ever wanted… was a pet raven… to love. *dies*

As Paul falls over dead, his large body pulls the sword away from the Other.

Grenn: Look! His sword’s gone! He’s defenseless. Now’s are chance!

Sam: Be brave, Sam! Be brave!

Sam pulls out his dragonglass dagger, which was next to his bag of delicious, salted baseball game peanuts, and starts screaming like a girl while blindly slashing it at the Other.

Other: OW! OW! HEY! OW! STOP CUTTING ME! That really hurts and… uhm… wait… that really stings, man. Hey. HEY! Is that a peanut shell I see on the side of the dragonglass dagger?

Sam: Yes.

Other: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK. I’m allergic to peanuts!

The White Walker / Other then explodes.

Grenn: HOLY SHIT. That was amazing, Sam.

Grenn picks up the dagger, which now lays in a steaming pile of ash where the Other used to be.

Sam: Ahahahaha. WOW. That was insane. I can’t believe I killed an Other *vomits everywhere now that the adrenaline is fading*

Grenn: Come on, we need to go find Mormont.

ASoS 17: Arya III

Harwin leads Arya, Gendry and a party of bandits including Lem (aka the Brotherhood without Banners) southward.
Arya: HEY WAIT! We’re going south? That’s the wrong way. Riverrun is North!

Gendry: Whatever. We’re probably just using some sort of secret way that only these bandits know.

Arya: Hey. Where is Hot Pie?

Gendry: Oh, he’s been written out of the story. He’s gone now. He stayed behind at the Inn of the Kneeling Man to make food there. Presumably hot pies.

Arya: Oh, wow. That was a rather abrupt character departure for somone who has been with us for the last two books. And Harwin… I can’t remember whether I told you or not… I watched your father die.

Harwin: Yeah, you weren’t that specific. But I figured.

Arya: So what’s been up with you?

Harwin: Well, I now travel with Lord Beric Dondarrion. We were ambushed at the Mummer’s Ford by the Mountain. Lord Beric was killed. But then he got better.

Arya: Wait. What? Repeat that agai—

Harwin: --Anyway, it was a great battle against the Mountain’s men. And we promised that for every one of our men killed, we would avenge them tenfold.

Arya: Are you sure you don’t mean “Avenged Sevenfold?”

Harwin: No, why?

Arya: Just asking.

Harwin: Anyway, when we heard that King Robert died… and then after that Lord Stark… Lord Beric decided that we would keep on fighting against the Lannister forces. We made a vow to defend the countryside and prevent the pillaging. But with Robert dead and Joffrey on the throne – that now made us outlaws rather than men of the King as we had been with Robert. Still, we wear that new status as a badge of honor.

Arya: Yeah, you’re an honorable gang of outlaws that are just trying to do the right thing, huh? Sort of like Robin Hood and his men.

Harwin: Yeah, sure, I guess. Sort of. 

That evening as they ride further South, they pass a village.
Villager: Oh, hey there Harwin!

Harwin: Sup?

Villager: Did you hear? Some men from Riverrun came through here recently. They were looking for the Kingslayer. Apparently he escaped for something.

Lem: Oh man. Jaime Lannister has escaped? We’ve got to make sure Thoros knows about this. And Beric would LOVE to be the guy to capture the Kingslayer. We could hang him. That would be so sweet.

The next morning, after stopping to rest for the night, they head out again. Once more, they go south.

Arya: WHAT THE HELL?! This is no secret way to Riverrun! I told you guys yesterday… this is the wrong way! Look at the side of the trees that the moss is growing!

Lem: Bitch, we’re not going to Riverrun.

Arya: Huh? But I’m Arya Stark! And Harwin serves the Starks! You’ve got to do what I say!

Harwin: Did you not pay attention to anything I said? I don’t serve the Starks now. I serve Beric.

Arya: THIS SUCKS! Hey you! Yeah, YOU! New character!

Guy: Me?

Arya: Yeah, you. What’s your name?

Guy: Greenbeard.

Arya: Take me to Riverrun. I’ll give you a reward.

Greenbeard: Nah. I’m taking you to Beric. He’ll know what to do with you.

Arya: Shiiiiiiit!

Tom o’ Sevens: Don’ worry, Arya. Beric will treat you well. He’ll even likely send you back to your mother, just like you want. But he’s the one who needs to make the decision. Not us.

Anguy: Yeah. He makes the decisions about all our captives.

Arya: Captive? CAPTIVE?! THE HELL I AM!

Arya then darts and makes a run for it. Her horse breaks away and charges off.

Arya: Hahaha, suckers! EAT MY DUST!

The outlaws give chase but Arya’s too fast. She escapes to freedom and--- hahaha, no. Just kidding. They easily catch her.
Harwin: Well, that was a pretty good effort, Arya. You really are your father’s daughter, huh? Too bad he’s dead and I serve the Lightning Lord now.

Arya: Lightning Lord?

Harwin: Yeah, that’s Lord Beric’s nickname.

Arya: Really? Because it sort of sounds like a shitty comic book villain.

Harwin: I guess it does. A little.

Arya: Like a B-Team villain to a B-Team superhero.  Like someone from The Flash’s Rogue’s Gallery.

Harwin: No, I get it. You don’t have to explain further. I agree completely.

Arya: What the hell is wrong with you, man? I know my father is dead. But now you should be serving my brother, Robb. He’s the King in the North!

Harwin: I mean no harm to your brother. But why should I fight for him? He already has thousands of men who fight for him. He has an army. But who fights for the little people? Who fights for these smallfolk in the countryside? Their villages have been burned down. Their men murdered. Their women raped. Their children starved. Us. That’s who fights for them! The Brotherhood without Banners! Because no one else will.  Now are you going to try to escape again? Because if so, I’m going to tie your annoying ass up.

Arya: Ugh. I guess not. For now.

Harwin: What was that last bit?

Arya: Nothing. I said nothing.